A (1:47)

Yeah, that rules.

B (1:49)

There's not a thing I wear that isn't comfortable.

A (1:51)

That's so smart.

B (1:52)

Thank you.

A (1:53)

You're welcome.

B (1:53)

When I'm home, unless people are over, I'm not on my couch. I'm in my bed.

C (1:58)

Wow, that is really interesting.

B (2:00)

I don't really sit on the couch on my own time unless people are here.

C (2:04)

So you're a horizontal gal. You like to be horizontal as much as possible.

B (2:09)

Let me be horizontal. Wow.

C (2:10)

I'm very much a bed only comes into play when I'm sleeping person.

B (2:15)

An ex of mine felt very similarly, and it was a. I would say a pretty big problem.

C (2:21)

You prioritized bed over that ex. And I think that's right.

B (2:24)

Well, we'd get home and I'd be like, let's go sit in bed.

C (2:27)

And she'd be like, no, we're not sleeping.

B (2:30)

She's like, no, it's 4pm and I was like, right. It's like a perfect time to sit in bed.

A (2:33)

Yeah. One of the 24 hours during which it's Appropriate to be in bed.

B (2:37)

I think like the more I'm saying it out loud, it's like I'm very much the grandparents from Willy Wonka.

C (2:42)

Yes, yes. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Like you have everything you need to make bed your life?

B (2:49)

I almost just said something that like I so quickly have to say the next thing. Otherwise it sounds like I'm a particular type of person. I don't have a TV in my.

C (2:57)

House, but quick fix it quick. Hurry.

B (3:03)

But I have a projector full drive.

A (3:05)

In movie screen in the backyard.

C (3:07)

Pretty much. That is pretty much what she was saying.

A (3:11)

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off.

B (3:13)

But I do have. I have an installed projector in my living room and I have a mobile projector in my room and then like a pull down screen in my room.

C (3:20)

So you have like 90s classroom teacher style and AV kit that you wheel out? Yes.

B (3:26)

If I want to watch TV no matter where I am in my house, it's going to go ahead and be like a. Well, can someone just go pull down the screen?

A (3:33)

Science teachers hungover. We're watching Jurassic park because it's science adjacent.

B (3:38)

My teacher made me watch Elf like every week.

C (3:41)

May I say, when I was a teacher, I did like a multi month unit on Elf and I made them watch it for months at a time.

B (3:47)

Teachers love elf. I love Elf, but teachers love Elf.

C (3:51)

When I was a teacher, it just hit for some reason I needed the kids to watch it all. I mean, it's pretty like inoffensively funny for kids and adults.

B (3:59)

Correct. But I would say it lacks almost anything. Excuse me, Any education. Why did I see it in school like six times?

C (4:09)

I was doing it for characterization because I was the theater teacher so I could get away with anything.

A (4:13)

Okay, so for theater, that feels like there's. That movie is full of acting. Chock full.

C (4:19)

As many movies are. But this one specifically, there's acting in it.

B (4:23)

This was my US History class.

A (4:25)

That's so funny.

C (4:26)

Yeah, that one I find much less history on that.

A (4:29)

Okay, so none of this happened or ever could happen.

C (4:33)

New York's not real.

B (4:34)

The North Pole is.

A (4:38)

Now where are you all on Santa? Because I've got some things that might really knock your socks off.

C (4:43)

I.

B (4:44)

If I can be so bold for so long. No one really. I'm Jewish. No one in my family really like addressed Sansa to me. And so I just believed it was real because everyone was talking about him all the time. But then nobody ever really told me he was fake.

A (4:58)

Shelby. Same And I also. There was a period where, like, I don't think my parents trusted me not to blab, so they just kind of went along with the Santa story, except we never got to see him.

B (5:11)

So my thing was, I was like, everyone's coming back to school and being like, I got this for my mom, and I got this from Santa. And I was like, that's so crazy.

A (5:21)

Yeah.

C (5:21)

That is interesting.

B (5:24)

Yeah.

A (5:24)

Oh, there's just like, another. Another guy and you. He's like, at the mall. We, like, walk past the mall and be like, he's at the mall. And they're like, my friend's like, we don't do that. It's like, okay, I guess you're just not fun.

B (5:35)

I was kind of like, I guess. I guess I wonder if I did something to him or why you guys are all seeing. Yeah.

A (5:40)

If you see Santa, you ask if I did anything weird.

B (5:44)

And they're like, I guess you're on the naughty list. And it's like, well, even then, I'd get Cole. Right? And I'm not getting anything. I'm not.

A (5:50)

Which hurts.

B (5:51)

On the naughty list. Yeah. I'm irrelevant.

A (5:53)

The opposite of nice isn't naughty. It's irrelevant. That's right.

C (5:59)

It is nice that your parents were like, josh, just protect it for the other kids. You're not getting any benefits from him. But just protect it for the other kids.

B (6:08)

Just.

C (6:08)

Come on.

A (6:08)

I truly think they thought I was gonna blab. They were like, this kid's a snitch.

B (6:14)

If we don't get Santa, that's the cool thing you get, is to be like, I know something you don't know.

A (6:19)

Right?

C (6:19)

Yeah. You get to be the informant.

B (6:21)

Yeah, I don't even necessarily need to be an informant. I get to be, like, smug, you fool.

C (6:25)

Smug. That is one of the. And it's. Honestly, smug is better than any present. Santa got me the ability to be smug.

A (6:31)

As a child, there was nothing that was more fulfilling to me than feeling smarter than my peers.

C (6:36)

Oh, God, that smile still wets my whistle.

A (6:40)

I have a truly horrid personality, and that is one of the wretched aspects of it.

C (6:46)

Rancid. It's really rancid. But it's important.

A (6:50)

I got a hot milk personality.

C (6:53)

Yes, well, Santa loves warm milk, so this is good. Well, now that we've filled our lives with merriment, much like Santa, I say we go and keep that train going with a little game. Do you want to play a game of Kiss, Marry, Kill?

B (7:19)

Yes.

C (7:20)

Yes. More than anything, please.

A (7:23)

This is the Pillow fort version. Right. Where we try to keep it a little clean, where there's no lovemaking, but we can still murder. So that's exciting that that's still in balance.

C (7:32)

Yeah. Yeah. We have limits.

B (7:35)

Yeah.

C (7:35)

Okay. Kiss, Mary, kill. And this is a question that's specifically for bed loving Shelby Wolfstein.

A (7:41)

I'm so excited for this.

C (7:43)

Shelby. Kiss, marry, kill. Duvet quilt, or weighted blanket?

B (7:48)

Okay, okay, okay.

C (7:53)

While you're thinking, can I say, when did a comforter stop being called a comforter? And now it's a duvet.

B (7:59)

So I do think there's a technical difference, and it is so, sorry to say, dumb.

A (8:06)

That's right.

B (8:07)

A duvet is like the insert, and so they're separate, and a comforter is all one piece. Okay.

C (8:15)

I honestly thought this. And I. I see where I got confused, which is that I've been putting my comforters inside of duvet covers, which is fine. It's the same basic thing.

B (8:24)

I've done that before.

A (8:26)

I will sometimes use a duvet without a cover.

C (8:30)

Like just the open napkin.

A (8:32)

No, no, no, no, no. The inside part.

C (8:34)

Oh, I see. I see, I see, I see. I thought you meant the duvet cover.

A (8:38)

Okay, I see where I'm just, like, now I. Trust me. No need to wrap this.

C (8:43)

I'm with you there too.

B (8:44)

Has anyone ever used a duvet cover as a sleeping bag? I'm sure you could, because in my head just now, that's like a little cocoon.

A (8:53)

It is like a little cocoon.

C (8:54)

I do no sheets just because I. Well, no, I do. I do a fitted sheet and then comforter.

B (9:00)

Person I'm dating is top sheet loyalist and gets mad about no top sheet. And I've been struggling with that, obviously, because, well, sometimes I think the top sheet gets tangled.

C (9:11)

I agree. It feels restrictive.

B (9:14)

It feels like a hazard.

A (9:16)

When I wake up, I will have, like, kicked and twisted the top sheet off. I just care about the big blanket, and my wife will say, like, what makes that happen?

C (9:27)

Why do you do that to us?

A (9:29)

Sleep. Josh is a different guy, and so that is also part of it. I've done that my whole life. So I'm just like, let's get top sheet out of here. It's just a step that I'm gonna undo immediately. On my wife's side, it's fully intact. My side. It looks like I was like, oh, shoot, I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning and just jumped out of bed.

B (9:49)

There are mornings that I'm waking and I'm going my sheet fully sideways, almost hospital cornered. In on the other side of the bed. And I'm going, now how? Now who? Now who?

C (10:00)

Now, I've talked about this on a separate episode, guys, but you both might be candidates for the Swedish. The new Swedish sleeping technique, which couples around the world are doing.

A (10:08)

What's that?

C (10:09)

Well, it can be one queen bed, but you each have your own blankets. So it is like you're both getting twin sized, whatever you need, twin size sheet, twin size comforter. And you're just putting that on the same bed. So each of you can have a light sheet if you like. A light. But I'm hearing a lot about the Swedish sleeping technique.

A (10:26)

My grandparents, my whole life while they were alive, slept in one bed frame with two twin mattresses in it and their own sheets.

C (10:38)

This is basically it. Yeah.

A (10:40)

You know how, like, you hit a point of adulthood where you're like, oh, the thing my family did. I shouldn't tell other people about that. That's weird. And this is one of those. But they were just Swedish secretly.

C (10:52)

Or Scandinavian, I can't remember, but it's one of those. They were. I hate to tell you, they were Swedish.

A (10:57)

Wow.

C (10:57)

You didn't know.

A (10:58)

This is family secrets uncovered. This is like finding your roots.

B (11:03)

Yes.

C (11:03)

Shelby, have you had enough time to think? Kiss, marry, kill, duvet quilt, weighted blanket.

B (11:08)

I've given it a lot of thought, and I think what it's going to end up being is that I'm going to kiss it. Weighted blanket.

C (11:14)

Okay.

B (11:14)

But I think in my head, I was like, well, that's the one you marry. Because it's basically a companion. It's got the weight of a person. But my thing, along with kicking the sheet down, is if your weighted blanket is a little bit over the bed.

C (11:30)

You'Re getting pulled down, you have to.

B (11:32)

Use everything, you have to pull it back up. It's not. It's like I've had to. If you put it at the bottom of your bed to pull it up, it's like, I'm not doing, like, CrossFit right now.

C (11:46)

It is a Pilates segment of the evening. Yeah.

B (11:49)

I want it to be easy to get my blanket. It's a blanket, so I'm going to kiss it.

A (11:55)

May I be vulnerable for a moment just to, like, show you that I see you and I'm here with you.

B (12:00)

Please, I beg.

A (12:01)

I had to clean up some spilled water, like coming out of an air conditioner. So I put a towel down and the towel got full of water and I went to pick it up and I just kind of leaned over the side of my couch to grab it. I nearly popped my shoulder out of place. My shoulder was useless for five days from just the torque of picking up a wet towel.

B (12:20)

A wet blanket.

A (12:21)

Yeah.

B (12:22)

And that's why we don't like wet blankets.

A (12:24)

That's right. Things are too damaging to my joints.

C (12:28)

A towel related injury. It can happen to anyone.

A (12:31)

It was so humiliating. So when you say all the effort taken to, you know, drag a weighted blanket up over the cliff of your bed, I'm right there with you.

B (12:43)

It's like once you're in the weighted blanket. What a joy. Truly. I think, you know, it really does wash the worries away. But to get there is more activity than I want every night for the rest of my life.

A (12:56)

Yeah.

B (12:57)

So I can't marry it.

C (12:58)

So that's a kiss. Yep.

B (12:59)

And then you're between duvet and quilt. And it's tough because a quilt is so sweet.

C (13:06)

It's really gorgeous. Yeah.

B (13:07)

Beautiful. And more often than not it has a story.

C (13:12)

True.

B (13:13)

And that can keep you entertained for your life. But I don't think it's as comfortable as a duvet.

A (13:20)

Yeah.

B (13:21)

And I hate to kill something with such a rich familial character building.

C (13:28)

Yeah.

B (13:29)

But I think I do. I think I do. Kill her.

A (13:31)

And you're going in for the quilt. The kilt.

B (13:36)

I think you have to kill the quilt. Yeah. You have to kill the kilt.

A (13:40)

Yep. Yep.

B (13:41)

And I'm not proud of it. I think more than anything I wish I was marrying the quilt.

A (13:45)

You want to be the kind of person who marries the quilt.

B (13:48)

I want to be the kind of person that's marrying the quilt.

C (13:50)

You just can't underemphasize though, the daily joy of a duvet. Like, I'm with you. What can you do?

B (13:57)

Just another. And I think there's an argument to be made.

A (14:01)

I'll hear it out.

B (14:02)

That putting a duvet in the duvet cover is enough to get it killed.

C (14:06)

Ah.

A (14:07)

I agree. I. I hear that argument.

B (14:11)

There's an argument to be made. But the payoff is important.

A (14:16)

Which is really important. You know, people always say relationship takes work.

C (14:19)

Yes.

B (14:20)

And I think it is nice that our relationship is symbiotic. Me and the duvet.

C (14:24)

And here's the thing with quilt and weighted blanket. That duvet does not have is I do like that I can wash the duvet cover really easy.

B (14:31)

Yes.

C (14:32)

I. That fits in every laundry machine. A quilt and a weighted blanket especially. How are you washing a weighted blanket?

A (14:38)

I don't know how you wash a quilt. I assume you just, like, find a local Italian grandmother and bring it to.

C (14:44)

Her who hits it with a racket.

B (14:47)

I think this is so crazy, but I think you either hand wash or dry clean.

C (14:52)

I can't do that. Blanket to me.

B (14:54)

Why?

C (14:54)

Duvet is marryable to me. Also, because I go, well, I'm with you every single day. I feel good about us. I know our relationship. I trust you. There's loyalty there because I know where you're getting cleaned. And then. Yeah. Do I have to put you back in the COVID For sure. But the feeling of clean sheets, I mean, that's my.

A (15:11)

Love a clean sheet.

C (15:12)

Love a clean sheet.

A (15:13)

Soul. Soulmate clean sheets.

C (15:16)

Absolutely.

B (15:17)

SoulMate clean sheets.

A (15:18)

KP, are you fully aligned with Shelby on this? Or Shelby? I mean, may I recap? You have kiss weighted blanket, marry duvet, kill in cold blood. I think you said.

C (15:30)

You said murder.

A (15:31)

Kind of a no emotion. Just dead eyes kill quilt.

C (15:36)

Let its little table napkin. Kids, watch it as you kill. I'm not aligned because I'm just not a weighted blanket person yet. And maybe I just haven't found the right one. But to me, it drives my anxiety up a little bit because I feel trapped. I go, get off. Get off of me. Get off.

B (15:53)

Have you tried a lighter weight?

C (15:55)

Well, I've tried a regular blanket weight, and that is enough for me, actually.

B (16:01)

That's such a real point.

C (16:04)

I go, yeah, I've tried the weight of 0.5. I don't know, every.

A (16:07)

I guess there's no weightless blankets. There's no such thing as a zero G blanket.

B (16:12)

No. Have you ever slept at someone's house and they have a blanket that's like, tissue paper thin? Like, what do you even use this for?

A (16:19)

Yeah, it's like, oh, are we. I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were doing, like, jail cosplay. Yeah.

B (16:23)

I was like, this is crazy.

C (16:24)

Yeah, I do have a few in my blanket bin. Just because I went to a few weddings where it was like, oh, it gets cold at nights, and here's blankets we're giving out.

A (16:32)

I went to. I went to a friend's wedding that was at a summer camp, or you could stay at a hotel. And they're like, if you stay at the summer camp, there are no sheets or blankets, so you have to bring them. And I was like, I will be staying at the hotel.

B (16:44)

When did weddings become, like, survivalist? They're like, someone was telling me recently. They were like, well, I just went to a wedding, and the only way to get to the Town is by boat. But the place that you have to get on the boat from also doesn't have an airport, so you have to fly. It's planes, trains, and automobiles.

A (17:07)

On the boat. There's two guys with oars. One who only lies, one who only tells the truth.

C (17:12)

Yeah. And you have to bring back a fox, a sheep, and a bag of grain.

A (17:18)

And you can't have more than one in the boat at a given time.

B (17:21)

Okay. You're in a room. There's no windows and no mirrors or. No, there's one mirror.

A (17:28)

Like, is this where the wedding is? No, no, no, no.

B (17:30)

You look in the mirror, you see what you saw. You take the saw.

C (17:36)

Mussel tov. To the happy couple. It is tough. I went to a wedding kind of recently where everyone was given a chore list.

B (17:45)

No.

C (17:46)

And I go, all right, I think perhaps maybe this isn't the spot for us.

B (17:51)

First of all, your marriage doesn't seem fun.

C (17:55)

I've got to be doing dishes. Okay.

A (17:57)

What chore did you end up with? K.P.

C (17:59)

I ended up with, like, putting chairs away and putting them back where they supposed to go the next day. That's fine with me. There are certain chores that I go, that's nothing to me. I don't mind.

B (18:09)

In fact, that feels like a favor less than a chore.

A (18:12)

Such a difference between a favor and a choreography. To me, a part of it is. That's not something I resent having to do in my own home.

C (18:20)

Yes.

A (18:21)

So that. That feels different.

C (18:22)

I agree. I don't mind putting chairs away. Especially like, you can be talking as you're doing that. Dishes. I'm not doing that in my own home if I can help it. So I really don't want to be doing it for your wedding.

B (18:31)

Putting a chair away. You do it, and you're done doing dishes. Your hands are remembering being wet for a little bit of time.

C (18:39)

The body keeps the score at a Jewish wedding.

A (18:41)

You just. Your glass gets dirty, you just break it. Muzzle puffs. We're not. Was us.

B (18:46)

And we're. And we're putting chairs up in the. There's a lot going on.

A (18:49)

Don't put the chair away. That's going up in the sky. That's going to be up there later.

B (18:54)

Please don't do that favor for us. We have to put the chair in the sky. Those are.

C (18:58)

Those are the sky chairs.

B (19:01)

So you're killing the weighted blanket.

A (19:04)

Yeah.

C (19:04)

And Josh. I mean, I guess we'll wrap up with Josh's thoughts here. Do you agree with Shelby? Do you Agree with me. Where do you stand? You have to choose, and I have.

A (19:13)

To pick one or the other. I will say organically, I think a lot of great points were made.

B (19:18)

Thank you.

A (19:19)

You're welcome. I'm definitely all in on marrying the duvet.

C (19:24)

Yes.

A (19:24)

I think about a duvet. I hear All My Life by Casey and Jojo playing in my head. All my life. Duvet for someone like you, et cetera, et cetera.

C (19:32)

We all get it. The merch is coming out soon. Go to hatchforsleep.com.

A (19:38)

People are gonna look for that merch there because they're gonna want it. But I do think I like a quilt even as, like, an object of decor.

C (19:47)

Yes.

A (19:48)

We've bought a few weighted blankets over time to, like, test different weights, and they always kind of end up floor by the side of the bed.

B (19:57)

Because of the weight.

A (19:58)

Because of the weight.

C (19:59)

See, they gotta fix that. They gotta make a weighted blanket with no weight.

B (20:06)

I think the thing for me, I feel perverted kissing the quilt. I feel perverted.

A (20:12)

Grandma made this.

C (20:13)

Cause it's a grandma.

B (20:14)

Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, this is family. I'm gonna kiss it.

A (20:20)

This isn't for kissing. This is for awareness.

B (20:24)

This is to pass stories down generation to generation. I'm gonna kiss that.

A (20:29)

This is all of Uncle Bill's T shirts in one place.

B (20:33)

What do you guys think about when they did T shirt quilts?

C (20:36)

No. I mean, I have so many T shirts that I wish there was a better, but that's not, to me, the better option.

A (20:41)

I like it as a concept. I don't know what I would do with it.

B (20:46)

I think the idea is sleep with it. Yeah.

C (20:48)

Put it in the same spot where the shirts go in the back of the closet.

B (20:52)

Oh.

A (20:52)

I feel like unless we're going full Swedish method, I would feel weird being, like, to my wife, like, you're going to sleep under all my favorite bands. And then comedy festivals I did nine years ago and didn't have fun at Truly.

C (21:04)

My college improv shirts. I need to go cuddle up to those.

B (21:08)

Yeah. My bright red Second City Conservatory.

A (21:12)

Hey, when I. You know how when you go to sleep, you like to remember everything about your past?

C (21:19)

I'm gonna dream of all the backline improv sets. I really miss.

B (21:24)

Yes and yes and yes.

A (21:26)

Yes. But I do think a platonic kiss, not like a full on romantic kiss, like, you know, corner of the mouth to corner of the mouth, like with your. With your great grandmother.

C (21:37)

More for me. I'm tonguing that thing more for me.

A (21:40)

You're seeing your grandmother.

C (21:41)

No, she is. You should see her. She is gorgeous.

B (21:46)

Take your breath away.

A (21:48)

No, I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but I didn't have, like, a slamming grandma.

C (21:53)

Understood. Understood. This.

B (21:56)

Can't relate. My grandmas are bombshells.

A (21:58)

Smokeshows. Yeah.

C (21:59)

Full of skilts. Left and right skills. Absolute gilps. I feel I really respect you guys. And I also respect you both very much.

A (22:11)

Shelby, do you respect us?

C (22:12)

Shelby, Say it.

B (22:13)

I'm just, like, figuring it out.

A (22:15)

Hurtful, but honest.

C (22:17)

You do not have much time to figure it out.

B (22:19)

I'm just figuring it out.

C (22:21)

Well, Shelby's got a lot to think on. I've made up my mind. I respect these two people, and I respect them so much that I'm gonna go to sleep in front of them.

A (22:30)

You know, I think that's a great idea. We've had such a beautiful conversation about blankets, and it has really got me ready for bed. So I'll talk to you next time. Good night, you two.

C (22:40)

Good night, Josh. Good night, Shelby.

B (22:42)

Good night, guys.

C (22:44)

You say you respect us.

B (22:45)

Oh, I respect you.

A (22:46)

Thank you.

C (22:47)

Good night, Sam. Sa.

B (23:49)

To learn more about our phone free light and audio experience, head to Hatch Co. You can also follow us at Hatch Podcasts.