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The Observable Unknown
Mailbag Installment XVII: Ghosting, Narcissism, and the Modern Attention Economy
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Welcome back to the observable unknown. Tonight's letter comes from Simon M. Who writes Dear Dr. Ray, I have for a long time been trying to figure out why exactly it is that so many of my attempts at succeeding as a businessman are not getting recognized. I reach out through emails and ad campaigns. I contact my clients directly. I do many, many things to try to draw business in and I see that this is similar to my dating life. Every time I meet someone who I think I have hit it off with, they do not reply to my mess after we have had a great date and they don't want to meet again, sometimes completely ghosting me in a way that feels super personal. I have been feeling this way ever since the first days of COVID Is that what causes everyone to ignore me? Or is there something else going on? Something wrong with me I'm not paying attention to? Sincerely, Simon M. Simon, your letter describes a quiet but widespread experience. In the present era, many people feel as if their signals vanish into the void. Messages sent but not received, invitations extended but never answered. The first thing I have to say is as this your experience may not be as personal as I'm sure it feels. Let us step back and consider the social environment we inhabit. Several sociologists and psychologists have argued that the early 21st century afforded a measurable rise in narcissistic traits within Western cultures. Jean Twang and W. Keith Campbell, for example, documented generational shifts in self, focus and entitlement in their work on what they termed the narcissism epidemic. But another important observation comes from work associated with the sociologist Joshua Jackson and colleagues who have examined personality trends across decades. Around the middle of the Last decade, roughly 2015, cultural indicators of narcissistic expression appear to crest and stabilize after a long period of expansion. Why 2015? That year marks a convergence of technological and social shifts. Smartphones became nearly universal. Algorithmic social media trends matured. Attention itself became the dominant currency of digital life life. In such an environment, the psychological economy changes. Recognition becomes scarce, not because individuals lack value, but because everyone is broadcasting simultaneously. Imagine a crowded room where everyone is speaking at once. No one is necessarily being ignored deliberately the signal is simply overwhelmed. Email inboxes fill with promotional outreach. Dating apps expose users to a nearly infinite catalog of of potential partners. The human brain, which evolved to manage a tribe of perhaps 150 relationships, now encounters thousands of possible connections each week. Psychologist Barry Schwartz described a related phenomenon as the paradox of choice. When options multiply beyond manageable limits, decision fatigue sets in. Instead of carefully selecting People defer. They postpone replies, they disappear. Ghosting, unpleasant as it may be, often reflects avoidance rather than malice. Your intuition about COVID is also perceptive. During the pandemic, social rhythms fractured. People withdrew physically and psychologically. Many developed habits of minimal response. Communication grew asynchronous, fragmented, sometimes impersonal. Research on loneliness and social withdrawal during the pandemic suggests that even as restrictions lifted, many individuals retained patterns of cautious engagement. The result is a society that is technically connected yet emotionally hesitant. So when someone fails to reply, it may not mean you were rejected as a person. It may mean the other individual lacked the psychological bandwidth to respond. Now we must consider the second possibility. Not because I assume it applies to you, Simon, but because intellectual honesty requires us to examine every angle. Sometimes the signal we send does not match the signal we believe we are sending. In business outreach, excessive volume can resemble noise. In dating, enthusiasm that feels natural to one person may feel accelerated to another. A helpful diagnostic question is, are you inviting response or are you pursuing confirmation? Subtle difference with enormous consequences. Invitation leaves room for curiosity. Confirmation seeks validation. Humans tend to move toward curiosity and tend to move away from perceived pressure. Here are several strategies that may help recalibrate both business and romantic communication. First, slow the cadence after meeting or date. Allow space before the follow up message. A brief, sincere note carries more warmth than multiple attempts to sustain momentum. Second, make the message about shared experience rather than evaluation. Instead of I had such a great time and would love to see you again, consider referencing a specific moment from the encounter. Specificity signals presence. Third, refine your audience. In business, especially outreach, the targets of narrower grade group tends to yield stronger recognition than broad campaigns. Finally, cultivate environments where interaction unfolds gradually. Community organizations, professional groups, and shared interest circles allow recognition to develop through repeated exposure rather than immediate evaluation. Simon, beneath your letter lies a more profound concern. You are asking whether the world sees you. Recognition is one of the most fundamental human desires. Developmental psychology shows that identity forms through mirrored attention. We become ourselves partly because someone notices us. But the modern world is very, very noisy. Recognition arrives less through broadcast and more through proximity. Rather than asking how to be seen by everyone, a more fruitful question might be, where can I become known? In business and in romance alike, depth tends to emerge in smaller arenas. The sociological climate you are navigating is real. Rising narcissism, algorithmic attention economies, and post pandemic social caution have reshaped how humans respond to one another. But these forces do not eliminate the possibility of connection. They simply require a shift in strategy. From volume to resonance. Simon the goal is not to shout louder, it is to speak where listening still exists. If this reflection resonates with you, I would urge you to consider reading my book the 12 Decision Bodies, where I outline the value of properly thought out decisions and a method of appropriately determining how and when decisions should be made. Quantifying and qualifying the value of a decision before executing it is probably the most important thing a human can do. If you have any questions about this mailbag episode or would like to provide some insight, please email me at TheObservableUnknown Gmail.com or text your thoughts to 336-675-5836. All of my volumes that are publicly available can be purchased on Google Play Books or through my website, crowscover.com you may also read more on my publicly available volumes through my personal website, Dr.juancarlosrae.com and wherever you have listened to this mailbag installment, your ratings and reviews help thoughtful conversations find their audience. Until next time, this has been the observable unknown.