← The OCD Stories
The OCD Stories
Story: Jack Henderson (OCD, eating disorder, therapy, poetry) (#504)
00:53:27
In episode 504 I chat with Jack who has kindly agreed to share his OCD story with us. We discuss his OCD story, guilt and shame, diet and exercise as part of OCD, an eating disorder diagnosis, exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP),...
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- [00:00]
A
You're listening to the OCD Stories podcast hosted by me, Stuart Ralph. The OCD Stories is a podcast dedicated to raising awareness and understanding around obsessive compulsive symptoms. I do this through interviewing inspired therapists, psychologists and people who have experienced OCD. Welcome to the OCD stories and welcome to episode 504 of the OCD Stories podcast. And in this one I chat with Jack who has kindly agreed to share his OCD story with us. In and in particular we talk about guilt and shame, diet and exercise as part of his ocd, an eating disorder diagnosis, exposure and response prevention, therapy, medication, going to support groups, being creative, expressing through poetry the idea of signal versus noise, self compassion. He reads us some of his poetry and much more. And thanks to our podcast partners. Nocd. If OCD is interfering with your life, NOCD can help their licensed therapists specialise in exposure and response prevention therapy. The most proven therapy for OCD with NOCD, effective treatment that is 100% virtual, is available for children and adults with OCD. And most members can get started within seven days on average. No hassle, just real science backed help and support between sessions. Begin your journey@nocd.com or I'll put the link in the episode description. So thank you so much to Jack for his time and his story. I deeply appreciate it. Of course, thank you to you guys for listening. As always, it means a lot. Without further ado, here is Jack. Welcome to the podcast, Jack.
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B
Thanks Duke.
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A
Yeah, it's good to have you here. So yeah, as you know, I'd love to hear your OD story and you can share that now, as little as much detail as you want to give.
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B
Yeah, so I know looking back that I had OCD since I was around, probably around 7 years old, so about best part of 20 years. And initially it was looking back or at the time I just thought maybe I was a worried kid, you know, like I had a lot of separation anxiety when my parents would drop me off at school and, and also had like an intense fixation on like morality, but I wouldn't have seen it as morality. It was like good and bad. So I was always like the goody two shoes at school. Like I hated getting in trouble, I hated ever doing anything that could be perceived as like wrong or a transgression or even though I wasn't particularly religious, the idea of having done something sinful and sort of needing to sort of pray for forgiveness and that kind of thing and that then sort of coincided around that age where I started to get well at least from, from what I can remember, the first intrusive thoughts, which were, you know, really scary to me and, and not what I wanted to think about. And they were sort of all your common or garden taboo type intrusive thoughts really. You know, if you, if you can think of it, I, I would, you know, I probably, probably had before and it probably would have caused a bit of distress, you know, growing up. And I just got really, in my head, I would, I would want to work out the meaning of the thought. You know, why did I have that thought? Surely if I had that thought, then it, then it must automatically mean something. You know, I was from a very early age, I think, sort of fused with this, you know, thought, action, thought identity, kind of, kind of, kind of way of thinking. And very early on I, I developed, I guess it was a, you know, a compulsion, a coping mechanism. And the response would be to. If I had a thought that was a taboo in nature that was scary to me that, that I didn't like, I would in my mind visually push it away as if I, you know, I would imagine myself pushing the thought away from, from my head. I sometimes sort of think of it like it was a sort of internal force field. You know, like in the Simpson movie when they put the dome over, over Springfield. It was kind of like I had that in my head and I was. Anytime a thought came in, I could imagine myself with my arm pushing it, pushing it away. And I also would have sort of verbal, not out loud, but in my head responses to the thought. So maybe there was like a taboo sexual thought and I would, I would in my head say the words, no, I don't want that, or, or F off or, you know, something, something to that effect. And that got so obviously because, you know, the more we don't want something to pop up, the more it does pop up. And that sort of started the cycle of that and then it got to a point where it would actually spill out into almost sort of like tick like movements. So the action I'd imagine doing in my head, this sort of pushing away motion actually started spilling out into. I know listeners can't hear this, but, you know, actually sort of flicking them away with my hand or something like that. And I would remember at school, secondary school, I would get to break time and I would like run to the, or I'd get into like the, like the common area or whatever, the classroom, put my stuff away and then just like run to the bathroom and almost ritualistically sort of peel off these thoughts or flick away these thoughts that had been bothering me. And I think I knew it's that, it's that sort of classic thing of you only know your own experience. Like you can't have a reference point for what's normal and what's not. So I think I just sort of thought well maybe everyone's just better at hiding this and dealing with this than I am. And that really again especially with the taboo ones from that sort of relatively early age. I know OCD is most often talked about as an anxiety disorder but I think for me it's always this framework of sort of guilt and shame have been as prevalent for me or as kind of upsetting to me as the anxiety has been and has really, really knocked my self esteem a lot over the years. I think I was just so, I was in this fight or flight mode, you know, for the best part two decades where nine times out of ten I'd be feeling in that panicky anxious state and then the one time out of 10 that I just didn't have the energy to be anxious or we'd sort of, you know, swap over into almost like a depressive state. And so this, this continued yeah, from, from around the age of seven through secondary school and I went to university and it kind of, it, it reached such a time tipping point I guess where I felt more and more out of control. The thoughts were becoming more and more frequent. They were taking up so much of my day just on sort of mental watch for these thoughts, fending them off every conversation, every interaction, everything was, was also there was this sort of second brain going on of the intrusive thoughts. And yes, I was feeling more and more out of control and I think as a way of falsely and, and wrongly, you know, unhealthily as it turned out way of getting back some of that control. I turned to diet and exercise and I had like, I hadn't been like, I wasn't like massively overweight or anything but I was quite a large kid at points through, through primary school and through teenage years and then around university time. So sort of 18, 19. I started to lose a bit of weight when I went to, to uni and, and it's, it was kind of a double edged sword in a way because I, I, you know sometimes something like losing weight can make you feel, feel good. But then I, I sort of took that to, to the extreme and it was this, I think just an extension of the ocd. I think it was, it wouldn't have manifest, I don't Think I would have had the eating disorder had I not had the ocd because it was just this extreme manifestation of wanting some semblance of control back in my life. And so, you know, I couldn't control my thoughts or what, what my head was saying, but well, I could at least I can control my diet and how much I exercise and, and that sort of thing. So I ended up losing a lot of weight, sort of obsessively exercising and having a real fixation on, on going to the gym, wasn't feeding myself enough. And yeah, it kind of reached a, reached a tipping point around 1920 where I got home and I, you know, I just, I was like, I can't keep on doing it like this. And I ended up getting diagnosed with ednos, which is eating disorder not otherwise specified I think it stands for. So essentially I met the criteria or several bits of the criteria for various different eating disorders, but not all of them for one, if, if you can see what I mean. So like my BMI wasn't technically sort of underweight enough to be classes anorexic and I wasn't displaying enough purging behaviors to be diagnosed with bulimia, but it had sort of aspects of all these different things. So I dropped out of university. I mean it didn't help that I was doing a degree which I have no idea why I was doing. Like I started doing a marine biology degree and like I've always wanted to be a writer slash actor. So I have no idea still to this day why I chose that degree. But yeah, I dropped out from uni and moved back home and ended up enrolling on a part time degree with the Open University which I guess for any non UK listeners is like remote learning, part time learning, that kind of thing, which was much more, in much more sense given, you know, what I wanted to do sort of longer term. And yeah, I, I got kind of, I think muddled on for another couple of years. You know, I got on top of the, the eating, you know, I had treatment for VILLA through the NHS and it was, it was really good, really helpful. I had like a CBT form of CBT sort of, with this particular focus on eating disorders and my weight got back up and I developed a better, a healthy relationship again with, with food and with exercise. But like I was still day to day just all the time going through these, just, just constantly having intrusive thoughts or constantly at least compulsing about intrusive thoughts. So I'd be ruminating all day, I'd Be again beyond high alert for any thoughts that I didn't want to have and I'd be pushing them away and, and as you can imagine that's quite an exhausting means of operating day to day where you never feel like you can let your guard down in your own head is how I felt until I got diagnosed maybe two or three years later. So I got diagnosed a couple of years ago now. But I'd sort of been suspicious that it's something I had for a while I think, you know, a lot of people have that thing of they type into Google what does. I had this thought about X. What does it mean? And it's you know, intrusive thoughts comes up and it's something like made a millions or, or you know, or something from the ISDF or whatever it might be. So I had an inkling but then I, yeah, I got it formally diagnosed and got put on to a waiting list for, for treatment which I'm still on. But it was at such a point where I would like, I guess I would use it. Like I've always been relatively sort of high functioning with it. I've managed to keep working, you know, managed to get, get, get on enough with life. But it was, I wasn't like living, you know, like I wasn't like it was still really preventing me from or causing like daily disruption internally even though it didn't, maybe it didn't look on the outside like it was, you know, I was still getting caught up on things and ruminating on a thought for, for hours at a time or still really the idea of letting my brain sort of have any thought was, was sort of, you know, scary to me if you like. So yeah, I got, I got put on the, the waiting list for treatment which I'm still technically on but I was like I need. And at that time I started listening, you know, to podcasts like yours, probably a bit compulsively at times probably. So I needed, I'm sort of better with that now. There was a time where any OCD content online, I was just consuming it sort of, yeah voraciously. So I try and I try and I listen now because I enjoy it and I find it interesting not, not hopefully from a place of I need the answer I'm on. So I started, I was like, I need some sort of treatment for this. It's severe enough that I know I can't tackle it on my own. I think if I'd have tried to do some self directed ERP then I think it probably just would have backfired and I wouldn't have done any of the RP bit and it probably would have got me dug into a deeper hole. So I ended up looking privately and I'm doing that fortnightly at the minute and have for about just over a year now. Like ideally I would do it weekly but that's just not financially viable and my therapist is great. It's really good, really good sort of grounding in ERP as well as sort of drawing on other approaches as well. Uh, and yeah, now now it does tend to be those sort of morality based things now and responsibility based things now and, and getting caught up on just that idea of. Of. Of being, you know, super moral if you like we for sort of full transparency like at the minute. The last few months have been yeah, really, really pretty tough with, with the ocd. There was a point towards the back end of last year where I was. I felt like I was really making some, some good progress through the ERP and then a couple of big like life like that was we my girlfriend and I, we moved to, to Edinburgh and obviously OCD loves a stressor and loves any big sort of change and, and moving from the south of England like it was a geographically like it's a big move. So it was logistically more a bit tricky to, to organize than had it been, you know, going from one end of the street to the other. And yeah, just I, and also the fact I think, you know, I think OCD just does kind of sort of wax and wane and it sort of, it was a naturally sort of trough moment combined with those stresses. Even though everything went really well with the move, it was all. It all went as well as it could have done. It was. It went absolutely fine. But I just think, you know, just general stress. Yeah you know, can, can. It's a bit of a breeding ground for, for ocd. And I guess my, my, my skills weren't strong enough at that point or that scaffolding wasn't wasn't strong enough at that point where I, I could stop myself from slipping back into those, those, those compulsions. So again, not jumping around a fair bit, but my, my compulsions generally have always been mental. When they have spilled over into physical, it's been like those tics or, or it's been things like reassurance seeking online and that kind of thing rather than any overt sort of more traditional or like conventional kind of compulsions I guess you would. You would call them. So yeah, the past few months have been sort of trying to get back out of that, out of that trough. And yeah, I'm very much sort of midway through my, you know, like my OCD story is very much not, not over. It's sort of midway and it's, it's underway and it's hopefully going to be, you know, headed towards a bit more of a peak moving forward. And I've tried various different medications over the years, none of which had like really much effects. But we've tried another one now which I sort of just about got up to the therapeutic dose now over the last couple of weeks. So I'm hoping that you know, in a, in a four to six weeks time and then just having a prolonged and concerted time on that, that that will, you know, start to take effects. My therapist, you put it in a really good way, he said they, it kind of, the, the medication kind of acts like a lifeboat, a life jacket, sorry, it makes it a little bit easier to swim and do the, the skills based work, you know, the ERP or the ACT or whatever it might be. Yeah, it's like a scaffolding. And so hopefully, you know, in the next couple of months I'll get back to that place where I'm doing more planned scheduled exposures. Towards the back end of last year we were doing imaginal scripting and written scripting. Trying to do that in the morning and the evening as well as what it is more at the minute we've, we've sort of taken a step back from that and said, right, we don't feel like I'm in a place to do those really scary exposures at the minute. But that's okay. We're going to sideways move sideways rather than backtrack. We're going to just focus on response prevention when triggers come up. So at the minute it's been a case of I'll have a fair few sort of recurring obsessions that I will. My singular goal with my task from my therapist is to postpone as much as you can if it comes up. Postpone, treat it, say we'll treat it in the, say we'll tackle it in the next session. And obviously like, you know, by the time the next session comes around, it's either that particular one's gone away or, or you're just in a, in a therapeutic space in which you can sort of safely tackle it rather than saying, oh, I'm going to do ERP with it. And then actually I'm kidding myself and I did the exposure but then I spelled spent three hours Wondering, you know, mentally arguing or playing mental ping pong about it. So yeah, that's, that's kind of where I am with it really. Like I feel positive like moving forwards, like I've got an amazing partner, like she's just my everything and, and has been so helpful and, and a really supportive family as well. So that really helps. It's, it's. I'm very much aware that not everyone has that kind of scaffolding or support network around them and that's been really good to have. But yeah, now that I'm doing the therapy, now that I'm on maybe a medication, I think that might work. I am more optimistic about yeah, moving forwards whilst at the same time being fully aware. I think something I've had to come to terms with is the acceptance piece of just having the condition and having you know, it be it be chronic and that's hard. I think I've, I've done over the past couple of years I think I've done quite a lot of grieving for the time lost to the disorder because I think that's what people can forget. When it's not so visible, it's. You're still losing time. You feel not present when you need to be present or want to be present in your. Like I look back and I just, all of my teenage years and sort of late, just before being a teenager years was spent lived through this lens of ocd. You know, there wasn't a day where I wasn't compulsing loads and I think just looking back that that is quite a, quite, quite a big thing to kind of realize because it wasn't like I still had, you know, good, like a really ostensibly, you know, really, really good upbringing. You know, like I say, really supportive family, had friends and was doing well in, in school but sort of internally I was just really struggling to keep my head above the surface with it all and it was like having two brains. It was, that's how I always think of it. It's like you have your day to day living brain and you have your OCD brain which is just constantly there almost like a, like a parasite, you know, it's just this thing that hangs off of you and then, but just takes up more and more of your attention and I've still got to probably do some work on, on that kind of grief and acceptance that, that you know, I can't. Those years have happened and that time is gone and that's whatever but you know, I need to focus on being as present as I can now. And yeah, that's kind of where I'm at really. Since I moved to, moved to Edinburgh, I joined an in person support group that, that meets once a month and that has been so, so helpful. I, I, last year I actually did, I joined one of Chrissie Hodges's peer support groups and that, and that too was really helpful. And I think it's, it can't be overstated how important that aspect of community, of being able to talk to people that get you without you needing to explain it is because it, you can't understand it if you don't have it. And you can be really, really sympathetic but you can't be empathetic. And having people in the same room as you as you're talking about some OCD experience and there's, you just see all around, just the whole room there are just nods and murmurs of agreement because everyone, everyone gets it. And, and just having people around you that get it is, I don't think it can be overstated how important that is and how, and from, from a social perspective as well. You know, it's just like minded people, you know, you, I've made sort of new friends at that group and, and hopefully going to sort of do more social things outside of the OCD context as well. So that's, you know, another, another positive of it. And yeah, the other thing that has really helped me try to deal with OCD has been creative arts and writing in particular. I always loved writing and performing growing up and for like I say, I went to, I went to uni and was doing a marine biology degree for some, some reason which will, scientists will never work out and, but, but since I, I dropped out and I did this creative writing degree with the open uni, I was like this is, this is what I want to do. And, and in my, in my, my day job if you like, I, I am also a writer for a, for a business. So all day, every day I'm writing pretty much and I, and I write poetry and I am writing or attempting to write a novel and it's the protagonist of which is someone that, that lives with OCD and it's about him trying to navigate life with ocd, navigate life in spite of ocd. But also, yeah, just, it's getting better now. But there are that many portrayals in media that are accurate per se about, about the OCD experience. And I think for me at least writing is one of the mediums in which it's easiest to convey because you can just, just in the Nature of, you know, you can, you can spend, I could spend several paragraphs, you know, writing in detailed description about a particular compulsion in a way that conveys how much time it takes even just reading about it. You sort of, you can create that compulsive world if you like, in a way that I think it can be more difficult in something like TV or film. And it's, it's. Yeah, it's a massive outlet for me. I, it's a way to sort of help make sense of my OCD and it's a way to, to try and like I always feel a bit better once I've written something, if I'm, if I have something writing wise that I could direct my creative energy into. Because I think inherently everyone with OCD is, is a creative person. Right. Like the scenarios we create in our head are so fantastical often and so have so many plot twists and you know, amazingly lurid characters that if you, if you stop and ask anyone with ocd, they'll be able to, yeah, essentially they could give you a, a best selling novel, I'm sure, like just in terms of what their brain comes up with. So if I find, well, like, you know, I love writing and I mean I do it for a job. So like why not try and actually direct some of that creative energy into a productive and useful and something that's important to me, you know, outlet rather than getting to the end of a day, having spent eight hours coming up in my head with these, you know, compulsion based scenarios and that kind of thing. So that's very much in its infancy, very much in first draft stage. But I'm hoping now especially saying on here is going to help keep me more accountable to finishing it. But it's called slippery and I titled it because that's kind of how I think of, yeah, think of ocd really. It's. Well, it can be both. It was either going to be called sticky or slippery because obviously, you know, OCD thoughts are super sticky. But also it's that elusive. It always slips out of your grasp when you think you've got it. When you think you've done that one compulsion that, that's going to have answered whatever question has your mind has suddenly come up with. It slips out of, out of grasp in that kind of whack a mole way. And the whack a mole thing has been something I've tried to. When I first heard the term I was like, oh yeah, that's so how OCD is. You know, it's, I think again if you ask most people about OCD that have ocd, they probably had more than one theme through the years. And I think trying to tackle the root processes and recognize, apply that framework of whether it's ERP or APT or whatever to the underlying mechanism rather than getting too bogged down in the content. My therapist showed me a lot of Reed Wilson's work and that idea of signal versus noise has been such an integral part, I think recently of getting myself back out of that kind of trough. I felt really stuck in the quagmire of content mud. And that idea of make the decision that it's noise and commit to that even when it doesn't feel like, even when it feels like a signal. And that's, that's the thing I think is, is for me hardest about OCD is, is, is how real it feels like it feels like. I think in your earlier position you would refer to it as like reacting as if there's like a tiger there, right? And, and, and the fear or the shame or the guilt, disgust or whatever the emotion is, it is so, so strong as, as though, you know, you, your life was in imminent danger and being able to commit to that. I'm going to leave this on a park here. I'm not going to address it. I'm going to let it be there and do nothing about it whilst it feels like the house is burning down, not meaning to be triggering. Because I know that some people's worries, the stoves and things like that, but have you ever seen that meme of there's like a, it's a cartoon dog and it's in a building and that's how I think for me at least that's what it feels like, resisting compulsions. You're the dog and you're going, I'm fine and the house is burning down around you. And every time that meme just comes into my head because I'm like, that's what it feels like. It feels like, you know, your, your body's smoke alarm, smoke detector is going off and, and just injecting adrenaline through your entire body and you just have to be chill about it. And I think that's so, it's so unfair, isn't it? So it's so unfair that the, the, the, it's like you're caught between a rock and hard place, right? It's like, well, you know, I can, I can give into the compulsion, which I don't want to do, or I can make the recovery oriented decision, which obviously is the, the better thing to do, but it still feels like in the moment, sorry, swearing. And, and you just can't convey that sense of fear, right? You can't convey that intensity of emotion, the, the panic attacks or the, the, the real sense of loathing that you might give yourself as a result of this stuff. It's just, you know, these aren't, they're not soft, round emotions. They are blunt, jagged, you know, pierce you right in where it hurts you, emotions often as soon as you wake up. And I think that's really, I think it's testament to people with, with OCD that we're able to, you know, and I think that we're able to deal with that. And my hope is that as I do more of this erp, as I try to do more of this committing to treating OCD as noise rather than signal that that will get easier. But you know, it's always going to be, I think I'm always going to have to remind myself even, even amazing recovery, you're still going to have OCD and you're still going to be dealing with it. And I think I just, I'm not sure if other people feel the same, but I just know that I'm going to have to be so mindful about not taking that first slippery step down the slope in compulsions again. I think I'm the sort of person that really needs a rigid, strict approach to, to recovery. You know, I, I think because I have the tendency to try and maybe over complicate treatment or over complicate and get really involved in those mental processes which, which ultimately are sort of fruitless. Whereas I think almost for me it's often the simpler the better. It's something's upset you or distressed you, you, you want to do something about it, don't do something about it and keep it as simple as that. And maybe that will shift in years to come. Maybe I already tried to bring a little bit of act into it and do kind of. Well, is this decision taking me towards my values or a way and sort of framing it that way. But I think one of the reasons I slipped back into sort of further down the OCD slope over the past few months was that I sort of was just dipping my toe back into compulsions. If you like, you know, it can't hurt just to do this one check or this one Google search or whatever it might have been, or review this one thought just one more time. And then before you know it, you're really in the midst of it again. And it's so Sneaky like that. You, I think you always, I think we, we have a, as humans with egos, I think we all like to think we know what we're doing all the time and like we, we have the, the solutions and the answers to things. But OCD will always find a way to, you know, pull the rug from underneath you. It's always one step ahead. It's always making you look one way whilst it's stealing your wristwatch. Like it, it, it's just always finding another way to trick and deceive and to just get you biting on it. And I need to be better at recognizing that. And I am, you know, I am getting there. But it's, I still fall for its tricks way too easily for my liking. But then I have to give myself, you know, self compassion over that and know that I will. Recovery is not a straight line and I will sort of slip up and have these, these lapses rather than relapses. And that's, that's part of recovery. Self compassion is something I massively struggle with. I, I think it's such a. I, I can recognize how, how important a part it is of recovery not just for ocd, but just in, in life in general. Right. And I think I listened to Kimberly Quinlan's audiobook on it and that's one of those things where on an intellectual level I can kind of go, yeah, that's, that's really important. You need to do more of that. But when it comes to actually being self compassionate and being sort of my own biggest ally, feel like I struggle with that. And again, I think it's going to have to be a little bit of fake it till you make it just, just even if it doesn't feel like convincing or it doesn't feel right, just just try and work with this stuff. And then like it did at the back end of last year with the erp like before you know it, you realize, oh, it is actually working. But to start with it is a bit of a leap of faith and you're, you're not necessarily sure or you don't believe what you're doing or you're not sure. You're like, oh yeah, but, but what if. Or you know, my OCD saying this. So I think taking those leaps of faith is, and it is that it is a, it does feel like that. Again, it's like it's your, your, you basically you're telling your brain, yeah, you just get, just wait in that fire. And, and I just, yeah, I know I said it before But I just think that's such a. Such a cruel disorder, isn't it? It's such a. Yeah, just such a hurtful and, and damaging disorder in that way. But yeah, that's, that's kind of my story, really. So, so very much in it still very much hoping to sort of progress more to a point where it doesn't dominate my life in the way it has in the past. I mean, like, genuinely, your, Your podcast was so instrumental in me sort of realizing that I had OCD and just feeling less alone with it. But I think I. Yeah, for a time I think I veered too much into the territory of where OCD was almost becoming my identity. So I'm just more mindful now of it's. It's. I have ocd, but I'm not ocd. And yeah, it's a work in progress, but, you know, maybe. Well, it's always going to be a work in progress and I think that's just. That's what you've got to come to terms with, Right?
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A
Exactly, exactly. And now I'm, I'm grateful to hear the podcast helped you. Yeah. Like you said, we. We've got to learn a lot, but also not let it become our identity with. There's more to us than just the ocd and we want to make sure we're building up those aspects of ourselves that you have. What, when you did the eating disorder therapy on the nhs, what. What therapies did they use for that?
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B
So I think it was called cbte and I think it's. It's from. It was, it's a few years ago now, but from. From memory. It was a lot of psycho education, a lot of sheets and handouts about, you know, sort of reframing cognitive distortions, but with a real focus on, yeah, the food and the, and the diet aspect of it. And I would have to keep food diaries and stuff like that, and I would, you know, weekly go and have. Have talks with, with a therapist about it. But yeah, it was. I think predominantly it was the psychoeducation piece.
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A
Okay, cool. Thank you. And yeah, you mentioned about doing therapy fortnightly, and how do you, how do you find you get the most out of that? Because obviously, you know, it'd be great to have it weekly, but it's not always that simple. So is there anything you and your therapist do to maximize the time between sessions? Whether that's increase extra homework or you're making sure you're practicing the skills? Is there anything you're doing?
- [42:40]
B
Yeah, I think I mean recently when it's been in this sort of tougher spot, it's been more, I would say it's been more of a check in and a motivation and it's been a. Reminding, you know, myself of how, of the basic skills and it. So it's kind of been knuckling down on. Get back to basics, get back to what you know, works and trying to maybe tackle that self compassion piece as well. You know, just acknowledging this is like really tough, hard stuff is really. He, he. My therapist has OCD himself and has lived experience. And I think that for me, I think that's really, really important was, was finding someone that again, like, like I said earlier gets it and I, I never want to. You know, there are amazing therapists out there that, that treat ocd, that don't have ocd. But just, just for me personally, I think I needed someone that could, could speak to the lived experience side of it. And then, and then in, when, when times are sort of when I'm more involved in, or when, you know, I'm doing more active exposures and stuff, I think it's. We, we do, we have done exposures in session but it's been a more case of. Because we have limited time, we're going to use this time to lay out the framework for the specific stuff, but we're not going to do say like we have had times where I've sort of done exposures for like 15, 20 minutes of the hour. But it's probably, it's usually been more of a. Right, here are the different exposures you're going to do. Here's how we're going to do it. Here's what roadblocks might come up. Here's you know, laying out more of a, of a, of a broader plan if you like. And then the actual specifics and the, the skills themselves have been more out of session. Okay.
- [44:41]
A
Yeah, it makes sense. And, and you know, part of you developing who you are is, is your poetry and writing.
- [44:49]
B
So.
- [44:49]
A
Yeah, you mentioned the start. There's a couple bits you wanted to read and.
- [44:52]
B
Yeah, yeah, I was. It's. I do write poetry on all sorts of things but like you know, you write what you know and OCD has been such a, has been such a big part of my life that there are a few poems I've written that sort of speak to, that I'm going to read two if I can. And this first one is called the Doubting Disorder. An itch you can't help but scratch. Yearning for certainty some Perverse fun house full of trap doors, cracked mirrors and shadowy figures sucking on your energy, whispering at your shoulder like some secret hidden aid. It's in your conversations, your past destinations. Sheer obsidian, jagged formations playing with lighters on parched grassy plains, mentally stained. You peel it away. You peel it away. Flick it away, pray it away. You peel it away. It waxes and wanes, testing the strain. Taut wire stretched on some rickety frame. Boo. Ha ha. It's got you again. Got you. A game with only one winner, only one outcome. One teetering tower. That's how the story goes. Until you lift the needle and see it's all the same. Until you clock its patterns and play your own sweet game. So. Oh, thank you. That was. Yeah, that was one called the Doubting Disorder. And then this other one is inventively titled O, C and D. Take a moment, if you will, and question what you cherish most. What's dear to you, near to you, what matters most of all to you. Now take that thing, that precious thing, and stick a target on its back. Drag it screaming through the coals. Then lose it in a haze of black obsessive compulsive disorder. 3 Not so little words that feast on fear, that thirst for more, that nag and scratch, that whine and pour. Hand washing, checking, but so much more. Rumination, confessing, reassurance seeking, avoidance and so much more. A dance through the void of your own muddled mind that leaves you needing so much more. Do si doe with doubt and dread. Foxtrot with that flash of fright. Waltz along with wild thoughts sourcer with shame ridden sights. These are the movements I know oh so well. But I'll submit to you no more. I'll whack those moles no longer. I'll face the mob, the throng of thoughts and offer back a smile in turn. It's simple, you see. My values matter more. It won't be easy learning not to be led by you. You've always been an unwelcome guest interrupting life's big party. I know that all you've wanted in your warped little way is to look out for me. To stave off non existent threats. But I don't need that anymore. So next time you confront me with X, Y or Z, know that I'll be leaving you and your what ifs behind. At least I'll try to.
- [48:17]
A
Yeah, I like that.
- [48:18]
B
I like that. Thank you.
- [48:20]
A
Yeah. That's really good. So how. How often do you write poetry? Like are you writing it daily when it comes up? Are you Sitting.
- [48:28]
B
Yes. So I. Earlier this, a couple of months ago now, three months ago maybe I started actually. Well I, I had, I have a TikTok account and I'd basically been posting the poems, some poems as, as written images and then it was actually a conversation with Duke El Durham. He encouraged me, he said, you know, you should try and perform some of this stuff rather than just having it as these visual images and slideshows. And so I did. And then I sort of arbitrarily set myself a challenge of just reading a poem a day and so I started doing that and it, it was, it's been easier to start with cause I, I had a bank of poems to, to pull from. Um, I'm sort of getting towards the end of those now so we'll see how, see how long I'm able to, to keep it going. Um, and I did have, did have a, a week long break when I was on holiday last week. But apart from that it's been a poem a day and we're up to, I think day 67, 68 was today at the time of recording. So yeah, keeps me accountable. Keeps, keeps the writing process. Cause it's, it's a muscle in a way. You know, it's. And, and not everything I write is, is very much not everything I write is, is good or you know, but that's kind of not really the point. It's just accountability and yeah. Challenge to myself really.
- [49:53]
A
Yeah, I like that. And yeah, and good and good for you for following your passions and, and using creativity to express ocd.
- [50:01]
B
Thank you.
- [50:02]
A
Yeah. And so you've got a billboard. What do you want in Edinburgh? What do you want written on that billboard?
- [50:12]
B
I mean currently in Edinburgh I'd say go on holiday for the month of August because it's the fringe and it's so, so busy. But I think I would, I would just have hang in there. And I know that might make it sound sort of. That it's always going to be more of a struggle than it is, but I think in the really rough moments over the past few months that's what I've sort of just kept on thinking. Just hang in there, just trust the process. Those kind of statements, they hint at something better in the future and if you can just hang in there, it will get better on the other side. So I think that's probably what I'd probably work.
- [51:01]
A
But yeah, I like that. And then you could pick up the phone and call the 20 year old you. What'd you tell him?
- [51:12]
B
Oh, I guess seek Help about this. Like, now I. I think you in your head, it can, you know, thing, I think any mental health, but things like ocd, like, yeah, I thought, oh, no one could possibly understand this. Like, I am the only person to have ever had these thoughts, you know, and then like, as soon as you go to, like, one support group, there's like 20 other people being like, yeah. Oh, that one. Yeah. And not. And not in a demeaning or belittling kind of way, but it's that validating. Yeah. Oh, actually, this is. This isn't that uncommon. And there's help out there, you know, you just have to try and find it.
- [51:57]
A
Yeah, yeah. Really good words. Yeah. And I'm glad you found support groups useful. And is there anything else you wish you could have said or shared today?
- [52:08]
B
No, I think that pretty much covers it all. Yeah. I just think find community where you can, whether that's in person, whether that's online peer support, whatever it might be. I think I really can't stress enough how helpful it is having that shared point of connection with others.
- [52:26]
A
Yeah, yeah, 100%. 100%. Well, thank you so much, Jack, for sharing your story. It's great to hear it and hear your poetry as well.
- [52:35]
B
Thanks.
- [52:36]
A
Thank you for listening to this week's podcast and thank you to our Patreons who helped make this episode possible. And if you would like to find out more about Patreon and the rewards and benefits, then there will be a link in the episode description. If you enjoy the OCD Stories podcast and would like to support us, please subscribe and rate the show wherever you listen to the podcast. And thank you to NOCD for supporting our work. If you want to find out more about nocd, you can click the link in the episode description and quick disclaimer. Guys, this podcast is not therapy. It is not a replacement for therapy. Please seek treatment from a trained professional. And until we speak, take care.
- [53:11]
B
It.