← The OCD Stories
The OCD Stories
Story: Rowen (Sexual orientation themed OCD, relationship themed OCD) (#491)
00:59:35
In episode 491 I chat with Rowen who has kindly agreed to share her OCD story with us. We discuss her story, compulsively confessing, sexual orientation themed OCD, relationship themed OCD, the possibility of her birth control (IUD) affecting her...
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- [00:00]
A
You're listening to the OCD Stories podcast hosted by me, Stuart Ralph. The OCD Stories is a podcast dedicated to raising awareness and understanding around obsessive compulsive symptoms. I do this through interviewing inspired therapists, psychologists and people who have experienced OCD. Welcome to the OCD stories and welcome to episode 491 of the podcast. And in this one I chat with Rowan who has kindly agreed to share her OCD story with us and. And in particular we talk about compulsively confessing sexual orientation, themed ocd, relationship themed ocd, the various compulsions and obsessions she had within this theme, the possibility of her birth control affecting her mental health, words of hope, and much more. If OCD is interfering with your life, NOCD can help their licensed therapists specialise in exposure and response prevention therapy material Most proven therapy for OCD with NOCD, effective treatment that is 100% virtual, is available for children and adults with OCD and most members get started within seven days on average. No hassle, just real science backed help and support between sessions. Begin your journey@nocd.com or the link will be in the episode description. So thank you to Rowan for her time and story. I deeply appreciate it. Thank you to you guys for listening. As always, it means a lot. And without further ado, here is Rohan. Welcome to the podcast, Rohan.
- [01:31]
B
Thank you for having me.
- [01:32]
A
Yeah, it's good to have you on. So, as you know, I'd love to hear your OCD story and you can share that now in as little or as much detail as you want to give.
- [01:42]
B
Well, thank you. So just for context, I'm 25 years old. I got diagnosed with OCD when I was 22, so in 2021. I always thought getting diagnosed at 22 was actually quite late, especially considering now that I know what I know. I think I actually had it unofficially from the age of about six and there were about, there were two or three obsessions before my main obsession that made me like fully get diagnosed. But the obsessions beforehand, I always just thought it was anxiety, but knowing what I know now, I think it was the onset of ocd. So it officially started when I think I was about six and I've always been quite a, I've always been quite a well behaved child. I hated getting in trouble, whether that was with my parents, a teacher, a stranger, I, I hated getting told off and I'm not sure how it started, but I used to confess to my mum constantly, anything that I'd done wrong, whether that was accidentally hurting someone or saying a swear word, anything. Anything like that. I used to go and say to her, oh, I've just done this thing. And I think at the start, she didn't really care that much. I think she was like, oh, okay, well, don't do it again. And it got to the point where it was actually really starting to annoy her. And that was actually the first time I heard the word confession was when I was about 6 and she used to say, can you stop confessing to me? I remember this one time we were in a soft play and I accidentally kicked this little girl as I was climbing up. I think it was like these, like, soft stairs. I accidentally kicked this little girl and I turned around and said, sorry. And she went, it's okay. And instead of just leaving her that I ran to my mum, who was sat having a coffee, and I went, I've just accidentally kicked this little girl. But I said, sorry. She said it was okay. And my mum was like, okay, I don't need to know that. Like, she was starting to get really annoyed. And she did used to punish me a little bit for it. She'd say, if you confess to me today, I don't care what it is, like, you will be on the naughty step. She was starting to get really, really annoyed. I just remember feeling guilty about things I'd done in the past and things that I. Even things I hadn't really done. Like, I remember this one time when I. One of my friends when I was little had got parents who were divorced and she was talking to me about them. And just because I was a child and like, a lot of kids lie, I just said to her, oh, my parents are getting a divorce as well. And she was like, oh, really? And then that was it. And then a year and a half later when I was about six and I started having these thoughts, I thought, oh, my God, I remember over a year ago when I told that horrible lie. I'm gonna have to confess that to my mum and dad. And I remember thinking, if I confess this now, a, there's not a lot of point because it was over a year ago. And B, I'm gonna get in so much tr. But I didn't care about that. I confessed regardless. And I did get in trouble because my parents were like, why would you tell people at school that we're getting divorced when we're not? Even though it was years ago. But I thought, I've got to say something. Like, I've got to get rid of this guilt. I honestly felt like I Killed someone. It was awful and I think because of the whole confessing side of things, I do think that was probably the start. It wasn't, I wouldn't say it was awful and it definitely wasn't like textbook ocd. But the way I felt then was actually very similar to how I felt when I got a bit older. So the next I'd say obsession slash compulsion that happened was between the ages of like 8 and 10. I. Every time I went to a sleepover or I had a friend come over for a sleepover, everything would be fine. And then as soon as my friend would leave or as soon as I came home from the sleepover, I'd get so upset. It was as if I really, really missed them. But I didn't miss them that much. It was, it was really, really weird. The first couple of times it happened, I think my parents just thought like, oh, she's just a bit sensitive. And then it started to happen every single time. And it got to the point where I started saying to my mum, I don't want to go to so and so's house because I'm going to have to come back and then I'll be upset. And I was really starting to avoid going to their houses because I just hated how it made me feel when I came home. I know. I remember being at the pub once and I just come back from my friend's house and I just started crying at the table and my mom had to take me to the toilets and like understand why I was crying and I remember telling her like, oh, I'm just really sad because I've come home from so and so's house and I just feel so sad and bored. And she was, she like gave me a hug and everything and as soon as that happened I felt instant, instant relief and I just felt so, so happy. But that continued for about two years, up to the age of about 10. And I didn't, I didn't like avoiding the places because I actually really, really wanted to go because you know what 10 year old doesn't want to go to a sleepover. It's amazing, but I just thought I can't go because if I go to that person's house for a sleepover, as soon as I get dropped off home, I'm gonna have those horrible sad feelings again and I don't want that, so I'm going to avoid. So that was kind of the second incident because I think that was where the avoidance came in. So at first it was confessing and then it was Avoiding still, I wouldn't say that was well known. Ocd, like, even, like, knowing what I know now, it took me a long time to work out. Oh, my God. Maybe that was maybe what happened when I was younger with my friends. Maybe that was part of it. I always just thought it was anxiety, but I think maybe it was part of it as well. So then everything was fine. From then I kind of. I stopped getting upset when I came back from my friend's house. For some reason, it literally just went very quickly after that. And then when I was about 15, I don't remember which TV show it was, but I. I love watching TV and watching films. I studied film at uni. I did it A level. I've always been a massive film geek. I love watching things like that. And I was watching a TV show and in the TV show there were. I don't remember if there were loads of characters or if it was just one character that was a lesbian. It was one of the two. And that was my next obsession. I started to think, oh, God, what if I'm secretly gay? Now, I'd been straight all the way through to this age of 15, and I just remember thinking, am I gonna. Am I having, like a midlife crisis at the age of 15? Like, I've always, always fancied boys and now what if I start fancying girls? Like, what if one day I just wake up and I'm a lesbian? And it was really weird because my family are very, very liberal. Like, they would not have cared if I was gay or not, but I just remember thinking, deep down, I know that I'm not gay, but I couldn't for the life of me work out why I was having, like, all these awful thoughts. And I started accidentally making myself sick because I was so, so anxious. I was anxious to the point that I would cry and I would actually be physically sick. And I had zero appetite as well. Not because I was trying to lose weight. It was just a symptom of me just worrying like crazy. And a few people in my family had noticed that I'd got very thin, but it was around the time when I was doing my gc, so I kind of played it off as, oh, I think I'm just nervous because I've got my exams. Which I think I was a bit nervous for my exams. But this was a different type of worry. This wasn't just, I'm a bit scared that I'm not going to do well. This was more like I felt physically sick with these thoughts and I Wouldn't even say they were bad. But I was just constantly questioning, but what if I am secretly a lesbian, even though I know that I'm not? But why do I keep having these thoughts? Obviously, if I'm thinking about it constantly, I must be, because why else would I be thinking about it all the time? This kind of came to a head, like, just after I did my gcse. Obviously, if you're not from the uk, you might not know, but you have study leave, which basically is when you only go into school to do your exams and then you just. You're just kind of off school for the summer. And so I had a lot of time on my hands and time by myself because my parents were at work, my siblings were still at school, and I was just kind of by myself. And I do think that made it worse because I was continuing to watch these kind of things and continuing to think basically just spiral. And these thoughts just really continued. And then the day. A couple of days before my 16th birthday, I remember I had a few of my friends over for a sleepover and it was really bad. At this point, I feel like this was like a breaking point. And the whole time they were over, I just wanted them to leave because I thought, I just want you to go. And then I can go downstairs and talk to my dad because he needs to know about these thoughts because I'm making myself sick. Like, this has to stop. And I still was thinking to myself, I don't actually think I'm a lesbian, but why do I? Why am I having these thoughts? And then I felt guilty because I thought, well, you know, there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian, so maybe I'm just ashamed. And it was. It was just really horrible. It was a really horrible time. And then I remember my friends left and I was so nervous because I thought, when they leave, I'm going to have to go downstairs and tell my dad because my brother and sister were at my grandma's house for the night so that I could be on my own. And I thought, okay, I've got like a half an hour window before they come home. And then my chance is gone. I've got to go downstairs and just. I don't even know what I'm gonna tell him because I don't even know what the hell's going on in my own head. But I've got to tell him. I've just. I've just got to tell him something. So I walked downstairs and just burst into tears. And he. He. Bless him, he Thought I was pregnant. He said to me, like, oh, my God. Like, when afterwards, once I told him, he went, bloody hell. Like, I thought. I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant or something. And you're only 16. So I don't remember exactly how I told him. I basically said, I keep having these thoughts about whether I'm gay and I don't think I am, but I can't stop having thoughts that I could be. And I'm really, really stressed and I keep making myself sick. And my dad was really nice. He was like, you know, you're only 15, your hormones are going crazy. Like, everyone has weird thoughts. He did say, like, the thoughts themselves actually aren't what's worrying me. It's the fact that you're making yourself sick like that, to me, isn't normal. And like, whatever. Whatever you're thinking about is fine. But the sickness thing is the thing that's really bothering me. And he did say. He was like, you know, we don't care if you're a lesbian or not, but I personally don't think you are. I do think it's just hormones. And I know, I know that sort of thing you've got to be careful saying to people who actually are gay because it can, like, invalidate them. But in my case, like, I. I'm not and I wasn't. So it actually did work in that instance. And so he rang my mum and they were talking about it over the phone. I don't know if he. He said exactly what had happened, but he basically said, you know, Rowan's really upset about something. She keeps on worrying that she's gay, but she's not. Like, I don't think he really understood it, but I didn't really understand it either. And so he comforted me. And then after that, I was. That those thoughts kind of went away. I had a few days afterwards where I was kind of still a bit sensitive, I was still a little bit fragile, but then they kind of just went away on their own. And then I remember my sister was watching the Vampire Diaries and I started watching it with her and it was almost like I just turned back and I was like, oh, my God, this is. I. I knew that I wasn't gay because I fancy all these. Got all these guys. And I remember thinking, I feel so much like myself again like this. This past six months, where I've been having an identity crisis. I don't know what that was. That was just weird. That's not relevant anymore. I'm back to my old self. And it literally just went straight away. It was really, really strange. So that was that. And then. So I feel like in terms of relationships, I've always had quite high expectations when it came to relationships and romance in general. I think it's probably because I did watch a lot of films when I was younger. I didn't really care about the boys at my school because I just wanted boys to be like they were in films. And I just remember thinking at school, like, no one here even comes close to these really high expectations that I had. And I was quite old as well, I probably say I was like. I was still having these thoughts about that when I was about 17, which. And I knew that wasn't really normal quotation marks, but I just thought, I don't really need a boyfriend right now because I've got all the men in the TV shows and they. I basically can have a relationship without having the difficulties that come along with it. I can have, like, a parasocial one. And so When I was 20, I met my current boyfriend and I really, really liked him, like before we went out and then we started going out and it was just before COVID hit. And I think what I can remember, we had quite an intense, like, honeymoon period. Like, I was obsessed. I thought about him all the time, I was happy all the time. And I do remember thinking, oh, my God, this is actually just like the, like, the film type of portrayal. Like, it actually kind of has exceeded my expectations. How weird is that? And everything was. Was really. Was going really, really well. And then when we got to about. Oh, I also thought I should notice. I should note he was also my first boyfriend as well, because like I said, I didn't really care about boys because they weren't going to meet my expectations. So I think that that comes into play a little bit later. We'd probably been going out for about a year and a half and I was also working from home at this point because lockdown had eased and I basically had got my first job out of uni and I was. It was completely remote, which was fine to start with, because I remember thinking, oh, I'm going to save on petrol. But then after, like, four or five months, I started to feel very isolated. I'd gone from being at uni, where obviously you're living with people, you've got loads of people on your course, there's people your age and a bit older all around you. And now suddenly I was in my room by myself. That was my office and I was literally Just seeing my family members and my partner on a regular basis. My partner would come over to me at the weekend or I'd go over to his at the weekend. So aside from like five people, I wasn't really seeing anyone. I wasn't interacting with anyone. And it was really, really, I think it was starting to get to me. And it kind of got to the point where I wasn't even that excited to see my partner anymore because I've seen him all the time and he was the only person I was seeing. I was thinking, oh, I'm not even that excited to see you all the time. Like, obviously we've been together a year and a half at this point. So I was well aware that, you know, those butterflies and lovely feelings aren't going to last forever. I was well aware of that. But I think part of me thought, oh, but that's not going to happen to me. I'm going to have that forever because I'm one of the lucky ones. And at this point it was starting to go away and I had noticed it a little bit that, oh, I'm not as excited to see him anymore. Or could that mean something or. Probably not. Like, I was kind of brushing it to one side. And then we went to Beaver Castle one day. It was just on a Sunday afternoon, I think we just went for some, like, fish and chips and to have a look around. And I just had this horrible thought that, oh my God, what if I don't actually love you anymore? What if I've fallen out of love with you because I'm no longer having those really nice feel good butterfly feelings? And it was the same anxiety that I had back when I was 15 about the sexual orientation. And it was also the same anxiety that I'd had when I was younger with the confessing and with the whole friendship thing. So I was sick again that day and I kind of just blamed it on the fish and chips because I wasn't really sure what happened because I remember thinking, I, I don't want to split up with you. Like, I want to be with you. But I just really don't like these feelings. I'm not really sure why I've had them because nothing's really happened with us. We're still in a really good place. The only thing that's changed is time. Like, we're no longer in the early days anymore. So the next two days were absolutely torture. I was just going over them, over the thoughts. I was still thinking, okay, maybe I've just fallen out of love. Maybe I love him, but I'm not in love with him. And I'm not really sure what the difference is. I was just. And I started to think, oh, you know, sometimes he's a little bit loud and sometimes he's a bit annoying. And even though I'm annoying as well, but I wasn't thinking about that. I was just focusing on him and I was basically focusing on all of his flaws. And I spoke to my dad about it because my dad has kind of always been very, like, he's a really good person to talk to. He's very, very understanding. So I spoke to him. And obviously, without context, if someone's saying to you, because I remember I just came, kept saying, I just keep having doubts about my relationship. Like recently, I'm just having doubts. And obviously if someone's coming to you saying that, the first thing you're going to think of, well, is maybe you should break up with them. And when he said that, it genuinely. I think at one point I actually, like, put my hands over my ear was. And said, don't say anymore. Don't say anymore. I was so, so heartbroken when he said that because I thought, I. I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. But what if I'm. What if I have to? Like, what if this is the beginning of the end? All these people talk about, you know, breakups and is this what they go through? Is this what I'm going to have to go through? And because he was also my first partner. So my dad. My mum and dad got together very young. They were at school and then they ended up getting divorced when they're in their early 40s. And my dad was kind of basically saying, you know, he's only your first boyfriend. Most people don't stay with their first partners. You know, it's fine. Just, you'll be absolutely fine if you break up with him. And I remember thinking, because he's my first partner, am I going to have to break up with him to get life experience? Am I supposed to break up with him and then go and date loads of other people, even though I don't really want to do that right now? So that was another thing that made me think, oh, God, maybe. Maybe I should. Maybe I have to break up with him because he is my first boyfriend. And. And, you know, as. As I've been told, people usually stay with their first partners. Usually their first partners is kind of like a. Almost like a trial run. Nobody really stays with their first partners. So I ended up ringing my boyfriend the following day, and I. Oh, no. I sent him a really, really long message, basically just saying, oh, I'm really scared. I'm having doubts. I'm really sad that I don't have the same feelings as I did at the beginning. I think I just kept saying to him, I'm having doubts. That's all. Like, that. That's basically all I could describe was, I'm having doubts about our relationship, but nothing's happened. And then I sent the message and went and went and sat in the bath and was just crying, like, waiting for him to ring me. And he did ring me, and he basically said, you know, don't worry about things like that. Like, I don't have the same feelings as we did at the beginning. You know, it's not like we're moving in together. We're not getting married yet. Like, we've only been together a year and a half. Just don't worry about things like that. It's. It's okay. Because he's quite different to me in terms of I'm quite an anxious person, and he is not an anxious person. So I don't think it. I think it bothered him a little bit because I think he probably thought, oh, where's this come from? But I think he was able to realize, oh, okay, she's obviously just a little bit stressed, maybe. So I told him this, and then everything was. I felt really, really reassured afterwards. It honestly felt like a weight had been lifted. And I kind of thought, okay, that's obviously the weird few days I've just had about me doubting. That's probably gonna go as well, just like everything else has gone. Unfortunately, this continued for about eight months. Kind of started the obsession sort of started, like, I want to say, more surface value. So they started off with me thinking that I didn't love him anymore. And I would constantly be checking my feelings around him. I'd hug him and I'd think, oh, I didn't feel anything when I just hugged him, so that must mean that I shouldn't be with him anymore. Or I'd hug him and go, oh, my God, I did. I got those butterflies for a few seconds. That must mean that we're right for each other. I was nitpicking him about, like, his appearance. I remember thinking, oh, every time he has his hair cut, he doesn't look as good. And you're supposed to always be attracted to your partner. And I'm not always attracted to my partner. And I'm sure he's not always attracted to me, but I don't care about that because that's not important. But what's important is how I feel about him. I started thinking, you know, maybe what if he's not funny enough? Like, sometimes he makes jokes and I don't get them really, really awful things at the beginning, just. But they were probably more like surface level ones. I remember I used to. Because we used to Snapchat each other quite a lot. If he'd Snapchat me a picture where he looked good, I'd immediately screenshot it. And then every time I felt like the thoughts come back, I'd go into my phone, look at the picture, and most of the time I got like the nice feelings back. And I thought, oh, my God, I find him attractive because I'm looking at the picture and I'm feeling all good inside. So that was. Obviously, I didn't realize it was a compulsion. I just thought it was me trying to help myself. I did do a lot of Googling at the start, but then I remember very quickly I got scared of Googling because I used to read things I didn't want to read. I used to see a lot of like 10 reasons why you should break up with your pawn. And I did actually use to avoid them because I thought that is not something I want to read. Because if. If I take a quiz and it says I have to break up with my partner, I will genuinely feel like I'm having a panic attack. That is not something that I even want to go near. I started to have really horrible thoughts about cheating. I started because at this point we were going back to work in the office. Like the remote working was kind of coming to an end. And I was working in a department with all men. And I remember thinking, oh my God, like, what if I go into the office and I see someone who's good looking and I find them better looking than my partner and then I have to dump them. I was really, really, really upset about that. And it got to the point where I used to deliberately make myself look ugly to go to work. Like, I'd wear really baggy clothes that wouldn't show my figure. I wouldn't wear a lot of makeup, I'd make sure my hair was a mess, and I just wouldn't talk to anyone. And when my partner found out about that, he was actually quite concerned because he said, you shouldn't want to go to work looking ugly. You should want people to think you look nice. And if people fancy you, then okay, that's Nice. You shouldn't want people to not want to talk to you. I also used to imagine him cheating on me. And then I used to test myself to see how I felt. So I used to think, okay, if I feel jealous when I'm thinking about him cheating on me, then that's, that means I should stay with him. Which is just a really weird thing to be thinking about because no one wants to imagine that. But I did use that as form of reassurance. I remember, I think I stopped having Donna meat and chips from the chippy because a character in Coronation street who worked in a chip shop and like a Donner meat chip shop cheated on her boyfriend. And I remember thinking, me having the same food that that character had. How can I be sure that I'm not gonna do the same thing that she did? So that, that was just crazy. I still, I still can't believe that that was even a compulsion. I do sometimes laugh about it because I think, God, how, how far fetched is that? But at the time, I genuinely did believe that. I thought if I had the same thing that this character had, I'm probably going to end up in exactly the same position. And then throughout all of this, I, I'd be very, I'd be very, very needy and clingy at the same time. And I just confess all of my thoughts to him. I, I, I probably like straight up hurt him at times. I think. I used, I used to say to him, you know, I'm, I'm scared that I don't find you good looking anymore. I'm scared that, you know, what if I find someone else good looking and I just tell him all these and he'd kind of comfort me when he could, and I'd just be, I'd cry and cry and cry. And I thought, I know that I'm hurting you by saying all this, but I have to tell you, there's no way I can keep this to myself. Because if I keep it to myself, then I'm lying to you. I've got to tell you everything I'm feeling. And then throughout all this, I'd have moments where everything was fine again. Usually if we were doing something nice, I'd have days where I'd have no anxiety and I'd be so, so happy. And it would make me quite needy and clingy with my partner. And it almost lured me into a false sense of like, security, hope. Because then as soon as that day would be over, I'd think, okay, the next time I have a horrible obsession All I need to do is think back to that amazing day I had and everything's going to be fine. And that just wasn't the case. I'd be thinking back to these days, trying to get the feelings back and trying to think, you know, look, I was, I felt great. This, so I don't need to feel bad now. And it never really worked. It was almost like I got false hope every time I had a good day because I thought, okay, maybe I'm coming towards the end of it. And I just, I just never really was. And I had, I had so many breakdowns in public. I had a breakdown at Thought park, which is a theme park in the UK for people who don't know. I had a breakdown in my car. I used to cry if we were out in a shopping center. I cried once when we were in Heavenly Desserts. I was halfway through eating and I was absolutely fine. And then I just got the thought that I didn't love him anymore. And it literally made my blood go hot. I felt so, so sick. And it was just, I think it was just made worse than it was in public. And then after about three months, I realized that these thoughts weren't really going away because every time I had a good day, like I said, I sort of did get a false sense of. I kind of did have a. It kind of did give me false hope. I kept thinking, okay, I don't think I'm bad enough for therapy just yet. Like, I think, I think I can cope with it. Like, yes, it's bad, but I think I'm okay. And then one day when I was googling because I remember thinking, I think I've got relationship anxiety and I was googling and it kind of sounded like what I'd got. But then eventually I did come across relationship ocd. And after looking at the symptoms, I thought, oh my God, I think this is what I've got instead. And because I did used to think to myself when I was going through these horrible thoughts, I thought surely someone else has had these. This can't be normal. This can't just be. Oh, you know, everyone goes through this when they're in a relationship because everyone would be crying if that was the case. This really can't be normal. And if it is normal, then I'm screwed because I can't deal with it. So my, my dad's, My dad works with someone who was a well being officer. So I had a call with her and she was really, really nice. I mean, I didn't really know it was OCD at the time. So I remember just like telling her my problem and she was really, really good. She was like, you know, relationships are really, really hard. And, you know, a lot of people do give up, but it's important that you. You try not to fall into these traps where you think everything's perfect. And she, she kind of gave me help without reassuring me because she didn't, she didn't really talk about ocd, but she sort of gave me some, like, reasonable expectations. And that did work for a bit. I. I had a couple of, probably like a week or so where I was feeling a bit better and again, I thought, okay, she's helped me, so I probably don't need any more help. And then it kind of just came back again and it was getting worse and worse and I was ruining my relationship. Like, my partner was. He didn't know how to help me. Like, he was trying to help me and he couldn't. I was trying to talk to my mum about it as well, and my mum was kind of getting confused because she was kind of saying, you know, if you don't want to be with him, it's fine. And I was trying to stress like, no, I do. I really, really do, but I don'. I don't know how to stop these thoughts. And I just wanted to talk to someone who really understood because no one got me. And I wanted to talk to people, but I was so scared that if I kept talking to people, people would be saying the wrong thing and it would make me even more triggered. So I became really, really isolated. And I remember that summer, this was in 2021, and I swear every single song that I heard on the radio was about breakups. Every single song. Maybe it's just because I was hypersensitive, but I turn over the radio straight away every time that came on. And I stopped watching loads of films. Any. Any film that involved breakups or anything like that. Like, I. I didn't even watch Friends. Like the bit with Russ and Rachel, I thought, I can't watch that. Like, that's just way too triggering. I remember this one girl in the office once talking about how she was with her ex fiance for like seven years and I ran to the toilet and was sick because I thought, oh, my God, you were with someone for seven years and you're not together anymore. How the hell are you coping? I've only been with my partner for a year and a half and I can't imagine not being with, like, that person. And it was. I Had no idea why this girl's relationship ended. It could have been an awful relationship, but I didn't even think of that. It just. I just overheard it and I just immediately felt sick. And I used to get really upset when people would say, like, oh, you don't see a future with your partner, then there's probably no point. You should probably break up. That used to upset me because I used to think, well, I don't know if I see a future with them because I don't want to live like this. This isn't a future for me. Like, I'd rather not be here if I'm constantly having these thoughts, like, I can't think about marriage yet because this is absolutely awful. So I contacted a mental health service in. I don't know whereabouts it was. It was called Vita Minds. And they were. They. They were really good because they. They sent out a survey for me, and I think it's free, which is probably why this was the case. But I spoke to the woman over the phone, and she was really, really nice. She was very sympathetic, and I do think she understood what I was going through. But then afterwards, a couple of weeks later, she said, unfortunately, because you don't want to harm yourself or harm others, we just don't have, like, the funds to help. Like, because we're. We're like a charity. We. We only have, like, a certain amount of resources, and we're basically, we have to prioritize the people at that severe end of the spectrum, which I completely understood. Part of me did think, yeah, but what happens if the people in the middle of the spectrum then go to the severe end because they're not getting help. But I did understand, like, where she was coming from. So after that happened, I thought, okay, I'm going to have to go private. Like, I know it's expensive, but it's going to. It's an investment. So I don't care. I. I will more than happily look for a therapist. So I did find one, and I'm. I still see her now. I don't see her very often, but she was absolutely amazing. I explained her everything that had been going on, and I did say to her, I don't think it's just anxiety. I think I do actually resonate more with the OCD side of things than the anxiety. And she did agree with me as well. She said, it sounds like it definitely is. And I was seeing her for. I think I was seeing her, like, every two weeks at the start, which, if I could go back and go Every week. I absolutely would have done, because I definitely needed to see her every week. But because it was the first time I was actually seeing a therapist, I didn't really want to go in, like, feet first. I was still a little bit nervous. So I was seeing her for every two weeks, and things were still really, really bad. I found that every day on a Friday, usually on a Friday, people are happy because they're finishing work and it's the weekend. Whereas I was so nervous because I thought, I'm going to have to see my partner. And as soon as I see his car, the feelings are going to be there and the thoughts are going to be there. And I'm going to be making his time miserable because he's having to deal with a really needy, crying girlfriend where he doesn't really know how to help me, but he's trying to help me. And then on Sunday, when he'd leave or when I'd leave his house, I'd be so upset because I'd miss him. And I also remember thinking, oh, my God, this Friday, I'm gonna have to do it all. I'm gonna have to do all over again. It was just an endless cycle. I kind of lost a lot of, like, interests as well. Usually things to do with, like, makeup and skin care. I remember seeing a. I think it was Charlotte Tilbury. It was an advert about a new makeup product. And I remember thinking, well, I can't wear that makeup product, because if I wear that, then people might think I look good. And then I'm obviously trying to impress people who aren't my partner. I. I genuinely thought that. And so I thought, well, there's no point me trying to look nice anymore. I was also really hyper focused on, like, what my family thought of him and what my friends thought. Like, every time he was around at my house, I'd be watching my family's faces. If he said something that wasn't funny or if he said something that was a bit weird, I'd be looking at them. And then if they made a weird face, I'd instantly think, oh, my God, they hate him. They obviously think he's not right for me. They're probably laughing at me secretly. They're probably thinking, oh, how's Rowan picked someone who is not right for her? And it was. It was absolutely awful. And I used to tell my partner this. I say, you know, why did you make that weird joke? Like, my dad wasn't laughing. Why did you say. And it was kind of upsetting him because he was Kind of having to walk on eggshells around me all the time. And he felt like he couldn't be himself because I was constantly nitpicking at him and I wasn't doing it to be horrible. I just, I thought if he does exactly what I want, then I won't have these feelings, which was very, very, very controlling. But I wasn't being controlling to like coerce him. I just want, I just didn't want the anxiety anymore. And I thought if I control what he, how he acts and how he has his hair and how he dresses, then I'm not going to get the anxiety because I'll be doing everything right. Obviously. I realized very quickly that that was not possible and not healthy. So that did not continue and he wouldn't have let that continue anyway. But that was just something that I thought, oh, maybe this will help. And then the first time I ever had a panic attack was on the 1st of November, 2021. I remember it was a Monday and the weekend before it had just been on me all weekend. I'd not really been able to have a break. Usually I'd have like a few days where it would be fine and then it would come back, whereas this weekend it was non stop. I was having so many horrible thoughts and I stayed over at his house on the Sunday night because I didn't want to go home because I thought, I just, I just want to be near you. I just want to like cling to you because I'm scared if I go home then if I'm not near you, then I could break up with you type of thing. And I was having so many horrible urges. And then I drove into work and the whole day at work I was just, it was, I was feeling so low and I was just having so many horrible thoughts. And then on the way home from work, I remember there was so much traffic, it took me forever ever to get home. And I just wanted to get home and just cry to my dad. I'd already texted him at work saying, I've had the worst weekend and I'll need a hug, but I just feel like it, it just took forever to get home. And I remember thinking, why of all times is this happening today? Like, I just want to get home and just have some comfort. And then my brother texted me saying, oh, I'm out tonight. Is it okay if you get the dogs from mums? Which was going to be another like 15 minutes. And I was like, oh my God, any other day I absolutely would have done, but why now? Like I. I just, I just want to get home. I was full on crying in the car. I ended up getting home quite late and I like just burst through the door and was just crying so loudly and like, not just like a little sniffle with some tears, like I was wailing. It was as if I was like a child again. And I was breathing so, so, so heavily. And I didn't realize it was a panic attack at first. I laid told my therapist and she's told me that it was, but I've. I've never felt like that before. It was. I felt like I was going to die. I was so, so, so upset. And my dad comforted me. He gave me a cup of tea and was like hugging me. And I think at this point he, he realized at this point that it wasn't a relationship problem, it was more of like a mental health problem. Just because I think he gathered very quickly that this behavior isn't normal. Like you should not be coming home four out of the seven days in the week, crying and crying and crying and asking me over and over again, do you think I'm in the right relationship? And all that. Like, that's not normal. So that was the first time I had a panic attack. I remember Christmas was okay. I remember being really worried about whether or not I'd have a good Christmas because this was the first time that I'd be experiencing Christmas with this new anxiety and ocd. But I remember that Christmas actually was fine. I think it let me have a little break just for those couple of days. And then around New Year's Eve, we were going. Me and my partner had planned to go and stay in a hotel in Nottingham, just go out for some drinks. And I ended up getting Covid on the 30th of December. And my dad and his girlfriend also had Covid, so obviously we couldn't go out. So I couldn't go and go to the hotel and everything. So me, my dad and his girlfriend just isolated in our house. And the first like day or two, it was fine. You know, we were just kind of. It was a bit depressing, obviously, because it was over New Year, but this was still during COVID so no one was really doing anything. So I didn't feel like I was missing out too much. And then after like two or three days, the thoughts just got worse and the thought, I think it was more the fact that he wasn't there to kind of like give me reassurance. And he wasn't there for me to like, hug because I used to, like, literally hold on to him like I was a koala bear, because I was terrified of, like, letting go. Because part of me thought, okay, if I hug him this tightly, this will prove to my brain that actually I should be with him. And not being around him was really, really getting to me. I was facetiming him for ages during the night, just crying and telling him that, you know, I was really, really sad and the thoughts were just getting worse. And then I had a day where I was fine, where like, we went on a little walk and I was telling my dad all this at the same time. So he was in the loop with all this. And my therapist was helping. But obviously at this point I was still only seeing her for every two weeks. So I kind of made a decision then that after Christmas I was going to go back every week. I also started listening to the OCD stories around this time, but I only listened to one episode because I was scrolling and scrolling to try and find a relationship themed one. And I did find one and I think it did help me, but it did trigger me a little bit. So I clicked off it. So that was like my first introduction to, like, podcasts and everything. And I remember thinking, okay, these, these look good, but I don't think I'm there yet to be able to listen to them because I'm just scared that it's going to tip me over the edge. So after I had a day where I was feeling okay and I wasn't obsessing about my relationship, I was feeling fine. I then started having a few, like, harm OCD type thoughts. I remember being sat in the living room and just having the urge to go and drink bleach, even though I. I'd never, ever had that urge. And I think it's because I was on YouTube and I was watching a video, I think on like, mtv. It was called like My Strange Obsession or something like that. And it was about somebody who was obsessed with drinking petrol. And I suddenly thought, I have the urge to go and drink bleach. And I was. I was terrified to move from the living room. And the way my dad's house was set out was you kind of had to go through from the living room, through the dining room to get to the kitchen and then the stairs. And I deliberately went the long way around so that I wouldn't have to go past the kitchen. And the thing is, I knew deep down that I wasn't going to go and drink bleach. But it was. I just thought, oh, please don't tell me that as well as dealing with the relationship themes, I'm also going to have to deal with harm as well, because one is enough. And I can't even. I haven't even got one, like, sorted out so that. How the hell am I going to have to deal with this as well? And I just felt like. I don't know, I just. And I just remember thinking, I don't feel like I can talk to my dad about this one because I feel like this might really worry him. And it almost felt as if OCD was trying to prevent me from talking to people, because I did. I. I was actually really good at talking to people and, like, opening up. But I thought, I just don't feel comfortable telling people about this because I'm scared that they'll think I'm suicidal when I'm not. I'm. I know. I know why it's happening. I know it's basically ocd. It's just latched onto another thing. But this. This theme just felt a little bit different. Thankfully, it didn't last very long. And then the relationship theme was back on me, which at the time I was actually kind of grateful for, because I thought, okay, I know. At least I know I've been dealing with this a little bit longer, so I feel like I know it a bit better than that one. And then in January, basically everything came to a massive head where I don't even remember exactly how it happened, because honestly, this day I've kind of, kind of blocked out because it was absolutely horrendous. I was at my boyfriend's house and I think I was getting ready to go, and we were, like, lying in his bed and it just came on me again. So I started crying. And then he started crying as well. And he said to me, do you want me to just, like, end it now so that you won't have to deal with this anymore? And I immediately started screaming and crying and I was like, no, no, no. Like, that's absolutely not what I want. And then he started crying as well, which obviously made me cry even more. And he was like, well, I just don't know what to do anymore. Like, I don't know how to help you. And it was the worst feeling ever because I always kind of thought. I never. I never thought it would get to that. And then I was sick again. So he came with me to the toilet and, like, held my hair back and I was proper, like, shaking, so everything worked out okay. Towards the end, I messaged my dad. I explained to him what happened, But I was just so shook up that it had got to that far. I, like, I don't really see my partner cry very often because he's not really a crier and he doesn't really get anxious. So the fact that he was and the fact that he was even contemplating ending our relationship to help me, even though I knew deep down it probably wouldn't help because I knew that as soon as it was ended, it would probably just latch onto something else anyway. So I knew that that was not what I wanted. And then the entire drive home, I was just crying the whole time. I honestly could not see. I didn't, I did not know how the hell I'd be able to stop this at all. It was just, it was just ongoing. And I think as well, because it was affecting other people, that made it even worse because I felt a bit of pressure to kind of not get better, but to help myself more because I could see it was impacting, it was really impacting my partner. And my dad was so, so worried about me. And I remember thinking, you know, I'm 22 years old and you're worried about me. Like, I'm a 10 year old, you shouldn't have to deal with this. I'm an adult now, I should be able to kind of deal with it myself a little bit easier. And I just can't. So that was, I want to say that was like the lowest of the low. That was really, really bad. And then I told my mom about it the next day. I sent her a really long message when I was at work because my mom was aware of this, but because she wasn't quite as clued up about mental health things as my dad, I feel like I didn't talk to her as much about it. And so sometimes when I did talk to her, she didn't really give me the response that I wanted or needed. She didn't really understand. So I sent her this big, long list of like, what had been happening and she seemed to really, really get it, which was obviously really, really nice and validating. And then a couple of days later I had. I don't even. I think it was called a, like a disassociation episode, I don't think depression, because I did ask my therapist and she said it so sounds like a disassociation episode. And it basically happened when I was with my mum. And because I had, I had had episodes before where the thoughts and the anxiety had got so much that I had gone a bit numb. But this was the first time where it honestly felt like an out of body experience. I felt so, I felt so awful just because of how numb I was. And because this happened when my mum was there, I think she finally realized, oh God, this actually, this is really, really serious. Like, this isn't just her being a bit sensitive. This, this is actually really scary because she said to me afterwards it was one of the scariest things that she'd ever seen. She managed to like snap me out of it. And I started crying again, which she was happy about. She was like, no, keep crying because I'd rather you be crying than sitting there staring like you've just murdered someone. Like you look terrifying. And then she basically was saying, I, I just find it weird that it's, it's just come on you quite quickly. Like, I like, what, what could have actually spiked this? And I was trying to say to her, you know, a lot of the time OCD is just like biological or it's just chemical. You know, it does, it doesn't have anything to do with family members. Sometimes it's just, sometimes it just happens. And she said to me, okay, but what's. Has anything changed, like in the last year? And I said, so. Well, the only thing that's changed is the day after, a couple of days after the Beaver Castle incident, which is that like the first relationship OCD theme. I had the copper IUD implanted, the contraceptive one. And I was like, it's not got anything to do with that because it's the non hormonal one. And B, this, I had it put in the day after all the thoughts started, so it can't have anything to do with that. And my mum was like, well, yeah, fair enough, but do you think it's done something? Because it's probably made it worse. Like, I know it's non hormonal, but the fact that it's got copper, it's doing something like short, like I'll, I'll just, I'll just have a look and check. And she sent me some articles. That night she slept in my bed with me because I, I asked her to, and she was going to anyway. And she basically found loads of articles about how if you have the copper coil, sometimes an overload of copper can block some hormone that releases serotonin. I'm not sure exactly what it said because it was a long time ago, but I, I read there was loads of articles about it and someone had even said that since having the copper coil put in, they'd actually experience OCD thoughts. And I thought, oh, my God, you. Do you think this might be it? And I was still a bit skeptical because I thought, but it can't be, because I had it way before and it doesn't have any hormones in. So I'm still not sure. And my mom was saying, I think you should get it removed just in case, because at least then you've ruled out that that could be a problem. So I was like, okay, I agree, because I'd had some problems with it anyway, and I didn't really like it. So I got it removed basically, like, the week after. And I don't know whether it was a. I don't think it was a placebo, because I don't think a placebo would have lasted for this long. I instantly started to feel a bit different in a good way. And I started to feel a little bit stronger to the point where. So I started. I was able to listen to some of your podcast episodes, and I wasn't feeling triggered. And I was able to talk a bit more about it with my therapist, and I wasn't feeling triggered. I ended up buying that relationship OCD book by Shiva. Yeah, I bought that. And I listened to her podcast on her episode on your podcast as well. I followed loads of people on Instagram that were talking about OCD and relationship OCD as well. I found loads of YouTube videos, and none of it was triggering me. It was actually really good, like, education. I was really, really educating myself. And I bought loads of workbooks as well. It was almost like I was doing homework. And in a weird way, I actually really enjoyed it, especially doing the workbooks. They were really good. And I think the difference was I just felt a little bit stronger to be able to deal with the treatment side of things. And then I started learning about erp. I feel like with erp, I was able to kind of do this not by myself, because my therapist did help me. Like, she helped me create, like, a hierarchy. But I feel like I started being able to do it naturally. So I deliberately started talking to more men at work. I'd not tell my partner every time I was having a thought or sometimes I say to him, oh, I'm. I'm having the thoughts. But I wouldn't say to him, what about? So he'd still give me a hug and company. But I wasn't actually seeking reassurance. I was kind of just giving enough away because I also didn't want to keep telling him stuff because I knew that it was going to be hurtful, and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. So things like that kept happening and they kept improving. And then I think acceptance and commitment therapy also started to help me as well. And I started to really dive deep into just really understanding, like general relationship expectations and learning about, you know, what's realistic and what isn't realistic and, you know, how your thoughts and feelings don't. Don't equal facts. And to really place a lot more emphasis on your values and your partner's values more so than the random thoughts that you're having. Because I was, I would still get them every now and again, but I was so much. It was so much easier for me to like, deal with them. Like 2022, aside from January, was such a better year for me and I genuinely did not think that that was going to happen at all. So I start, I started get started getting better. I was decreasing my therapy sessions again and then I kind of increased them because I had a little bit of a flare up. Then I decreased. That's basically what 2022 was like. I'd have a flare up, then I'd be fine, then it would come back and then I'd be fine. But it was a lot more inconsistent than the previous year, which was just, it was bad, like all the way through. So that kind of continued. And about a year later, I started having. Every now and again I'd start having thoughts about. So the rel. It was still relationship ocd, but it was almost like it was flipped. So I started thinking, oh, but what if my partner leaves me? What if he doesn't think I'm good looking? What if he doesn't think I'm funny and all that. And that was really, really disheartening because I just remember thinking, I don't know how to deal with that. I think a lot of content out there that I was looking at was mainly to do with obsessing about how you're feeling and about how you kind of put yourself on a pedestal and you're nitpicking your partner. Whereas this was the other way round. Thankfully, again, it didn't last for too long. I'm not really sure why it even came on me. I don't know if it probably thought, okay, well, you, you've dealing, you're dealing with this side, okay, so something else at you now. But I basically just dealt with it the same way as I dealt with everything else. I think I did actually message Shiva on Instagram and she told me herself, just deal with it the same way as you've been Dealing with everything else. You know, it's. What did they say? Content. Oh, no, process, not content. Which is really, really important because I didn't really believe that to start with. I thought, yeah, but the content is kind of important because it has this. But then actually, just. Just from that alone, it made me realize that actually content really isn't important. It's. It's how you deal with it. So everything else worked out okay towards the end, and then me and my partner ended up moving in together at the end of 2023. So that was a really, really big step because I genuinely could ever be able to get to that stage. So, yeah, from then it's been fine, I guess.
- [57:26]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's amazing. Well, yeah, you know, so many twists and turns there. And whether removing the contraception was the thing or whether it was placebo, I guess doesn't really matter. The fact is it helped whatever it was. But it's interesting. Yeah. What you said, and maybe it will resonate with other people listening. But, yeah, I'm really glad. But that also shows that sometimes we just need something in place, whether that's taking a medication or something changing in life that then allows us to engage in therapy. Like you said, you were then able to do all the workbooks, listen to podcasts. Yeah. And not just read the workbooks. It sounds like you actually did them.
- [58:08]
B
Yeah.
- [58:08]
A
The whole point of them. So that's really good. And yeah, no, you've just. You've done a really good job at detailing out your story. So I just want to ask, is there anything else you wanted to say or any words of hope you wanted to give people listening?
- [58:25]
B
Probably just continue doing the work, even if you don't think it's going to make a difference. If you keep doing it, it will. I think that really helped me when I was really struggling.
- [58:36]
A
Awesome. Yeah, good words. Good words. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. It's been awesome to hear it.
- [58:42]
B
Thank you so much for having me.
- [58:44]
A
Thank you for listening to this week's podcast and thank you to our patrons who helped make this episode possible. And if you would like to find out more about Patreon and the rewards and benefits, then there will be a link in the episode description. If you enjoy the OCD Stories podcast and would like to support us, please subscribe and rate the show wherever you listen to the podcast. And thank you to NOCD for supporting our work. If you want to find out more about nocd, you can click the link in the episode description and quick disclaimer. Guys, this podcast is not therapy. It is not a replacement for therapy. Please seek treatment from a trained professional and until we speak, take care.