← The OCD Whisperer Podcast with Kristina Orlova
The OCD Whisperer Podcast with Kristina Orlova
153. Hair Pulling, Shame & Healing: Trichotillomania & OCD
00:28:11
Loading summary
Transcript38 lines
- [00:01]
A
Hi, I'm Kristina Orlova, host of the OCD Whisperer podcast. As someone who lives with ocd, I understand the struggles firsthand. If you're here, you're not alone. Before we start, grab your free OCD survival kit at www.corresults.com to help you take control. That's K O R results dot com. Now let's dive into today's episode.
- [00:31]
B
Welcome to OCD Whisper Podcast. Today with me, I have a special guest, guys. Her name is Anila. Can you please tell us a little bit about yourself? Yeah.
- [00:39]
C
Hi, everyone. First, Christina, thanks for having me on the show. My name is Anila Idnani and I am one of the co founders of Habit Aware. And Habit Aware is a mental health tech company that started because I have a mental health condition. I have many mental health conditions and that mental health condition is called trichotillomania, which is the compulsion to pull out hair, which is a body focused repetitive behavior which is related to OCDs in the DSM 5 as it's in the diagnostic manual. And we help people overcome those conditions.
- [01:17]
B
I love it. So that's a lot of words you just said. So for anybody listening, right, because this is part of this process is helping folks understand of what all these things mean. So I would love to hear a little bit about your own story about OCD and trichotillomania and. Yeah, how did, how, when did things first start? How did you notice that something wasn't quite right?
- [01:39]
C
Yeah, so my journey with my mental health started in my early tweens. I started pulling out my hair at that time. And then in middle school, high school, it got worse. My father was sick with cancer during my high school time and, and we lost him at the end of high school. So it was kind of just, you know, it was the 90s. We weren't really focused on our mental health care. We were really focused on his physical care. So we just didn't talk or have the language to acknowledge what all was going on. And my hands took to pulling out my eyebrows and eyelashes as a coping mechanism as, as a self soothing. And it's really only in these now recent years of learning how to tame that that my anxiety really showed itself. And even the, you know, and then as it relates to ocd, I don't have a formal diagnosis of ocd, but as I've come to understand ocd, I definitely have lived with intrusive thoughts and that repetitive cycle and the sort of R and then compulsions to kind of quiet the rumination yeah.
- [02:57]
B
So when we're talking about the pulling, can you share a little bit about from what you've learned of, you know what, what do you think? I guess drives that?
- [03:08]
C
Right.
- [03:08]
B
Because this is something I know that not everybody talks about enough. Ocd, I think, is getting a little more kind of coverage, if you will. But I think, you know, when we're talking about any kind of hair pulling or biting or skin picking or anything in that of that nature, it tends to kind of come with a lot of shame and people feel embarrassed and really don't want to kind of disclose. Right. I think as humans, we generally seem to want to do as best we can to sort of mask and present as like, I'm okay, everything's fine, but, you know, on the inside things aren't. So if you can share a little bit about that.
- [03:45]
C
Yeah. So when I started pulling, you know, think 10, 11, 12 years old, I thought I was wrong and weird and the only one. Right. And so I did hide a hid with a black eye pencil. And so no one ever knew that I was engaging in this behavior. And 100. It's that shame, it's that fear of judgment, it's that our own negative self talk of, oh, my God, Anila, you're making yourself ugly. You're never gonna find love. You're, you know, you're messed up, you're wrong, you're weird. So, so berating myself, but then also fearing the beratement of other people. Right. So that keeps us small and that keeps us quiet. And so I, I always say the secret makes us sick. So it perpetuates the cycle of the behavior of these unwanted behaviors that we get anxious, we get nervous that someone's going to find out. And then again, that's getting us off our baseline, that's getting us imbalanced, that's we're losing our sense of calm and stability. And so we need the behavior again to get us back to stability. And so I hid for 30 plus years, 20 plus years. And then a couple of years ago, I was pregnant with my first child who is now 12 years old. So 12 years ago, I had a really bad late night pole session. So I was pregnant. So again, I think the hormones. So it started in my tweens during puberty and then pregnancy again between the hormonal change, I think, plus stress at work. I pulled out both eyebrows one night, and when I woke up the next morning, I looked in the mirror by my bed, realized what happened, and ran to the bathroom to get my black Eye pencil. And standing in the doorway of the bathroom was my husband. So this is the person that I said, in sickness and health, I will share everything. But even with him, I didn't want him to find out, right? Because again, I was telling myself for so long, I'm disgusting for this. How can the man that loves me find out about this, right? I didn't want to be rejected. That fear of rejection was so strong. But in that moment, I shared my hair pulling secret. I told them, I pulled them out, we went to the Internet, we, we took to, to understanding what this was. He really wanted to understand that shame and read more stories and recognized, okay, this, I understand why she didn't tell me. And then a few weeks later we're sitting on the couch and I'm pulling and not realizing it because that's the other component of this is our hands are in control. It's not us, it's not, it's not our conscious self. And I'm pulling while we're watching tv. And he gently grabbed my hand. And that was this aha moment of oh yeah, if I just had something that notified me and I literally wrapped my fingers around my wrist, that hypothesis of if I just knew it was happening, could I make a different choice? Could I make a decision instead of engaging with this disorder? And so it didn't exist. So we built the habit of wear keen smart bracelet. And that's how we've been able to help the community with hair pulling, skin picking and nail biting through this power of awareness. So the bracelet uses gesture detection. It's got sensors inside that are looking for that angle, that speed, that motion. And then it sends that vibration to say, hey, your hands are not where you want them to to be. And then with that, that person can affect change.
- [07:33]
B
That's pretty amazing to be honest, because we're talking about a couple of different things and one of them that really stands out to me is awareness, right? And this is something at least for me, being a therapist that specializes in treating OCD and anxiety disorders, living with OCD myself, when people ask, and just over now time when I sit think about what's the bottom line of change, right? And I think a big piece of it is, is, is a hundred percent becoming fully aware of what's happening so you can really understand what it is. And then the next step is usually you get to then decide what you want to do with it. That, that really, I would say is really that that's it. And so how do we get people there, you know, and in this case you said, well, I, I recognize when my husband did that. Oh, I, I wasn't, I wasn't aware of that. I was just so automatic. It was totally out of your awareness. And then you, you put that and you build this tool and now you're like, okay, so. And I noticed, I think, you know, you're wearing it right now, right? So is it then like anytime you move that it just vibrates a little bit and gives you a little signal to bring your awareness to that so that a person can catch it and, and decide to put their hand away or what would that be?
- [08:46]
C
Yeah. So you train the bracelet for your specific behavior. So this was, we call it the scanning motion. It's that thing you do before you pull or before you pick. You know, you're looking for the pimple or the skin imperfection or maybe the act of nail biting. So you train it for that specific behavior and then it's kind of constantly looking for that calculation that it creates. And then when it senses a match, it'll vibrate. And so that's the idea, is that with awareness. And I think that's the beauty of what we've been able to create is this idea of exactly what you're just saying, right? You can't change what you don't know is happening. And awareness is the key to any behavior change, to any change you want to make in your life where you want to improve, right? And so if you're not aware that something is happening, or you refuse to acknowledge that something is happening, you cannot change it, right? And so awareness is so powerful, that first step, it vibrates. And then again, like I mentioned before, it's really about not just putting your hands down because these, like our hands are trying to communicate with us, right? They're trying to talk to us. They're trying to tell us something our body is constantly telling us, right? Like if you're hungry, your stomach growls, if you have to go to the bathroom, you'll feel, you know, my, my 7 year old will dance back and forth, right? Like our bodies are speaking to us. I have a friend I was just talking to earlier today and she was talking about how when she gets stressed, her vision starts blurring, right? And so these behaviors, hair pulling, skin picking, nail biting, body focused, repetitive behaviors are again, just another way of our body trying to talk to us, trying to say, hey, slow down, take care of me. And so it's not just about putting your hands down, it's about answering that need. And as the more you do that, the more you really retrain the neural pathways away from those old quote unquote bad habits to healthy habits.
- [11:01]
B
So then are we talking about like, I know, habit reversal training. I know there's comb. So are we talking about then with. With this, like combining it with that therapy approach where you're together or on your own? I guess you could. But sitting down and really being able to kind of think through so that you can kind of understand what is really behind this. Is this actually right now, like you said, my body doing this, my hands are doing this in response to stress. Is it boredom? Is it something else so that you can kind of hone in a little bit more? And what's really the purpose of that? And then from there decide what would makes sense then to do instead of that?
- [11:41]
C
A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it. That's why we recommend the bracelet with a treatment professional to go through that thought process that you just explained, right? Like, what's going on, what's the scenario, what's the why? And then use that information to choose the right healthy strategies for you. And so for myself, right, since my 10, 12 years old, up till I'm 42 now, right. So for 30 years or. And actually this is probably about, about 10 years ago when we were starting to develop the bracelet, that was first prototypes. So in my 30s, I finally figured out, okay, it's during the day when I'm stressed at work and I'm go, go, go. And I finally realized, oh, yeah, I'm not going to the bathroom, I'm not taking a lunch break, I'm not drinking water, I'm not taking care of myself. Right. And so once that all clicked, seeing that data of the times of day through the app and starting to actually again, be aware of how am I treating myself during the day made me realize, okay, I have to change those habits. So now I drink water like 24 7, basically. And that's my biggest strategy during the day. And this is, you know, this gets me up, this gets me moving. I also go for walks, I take breaks. God forbid I ever took a break in my 20s. Working.
- [13:12]
B
I know, right?
- [13:16]
C
So it's just these. It's honestly, it's so. It's so simple. It's not easy, but it's simple. It's. It's just taking care of yourself. It's drinking more water, it's making sure you're getting up, it's stretching when you're stuck at your desk all day. Those are the, the little things that add up to being able to take control of these behaviors. But it does take that effort of pausing and asking yourself those questions and then strategizing and experimenting to see what replacement strategies work.
- [13:52]
A
Yeah.
- [13:52]
B
And with that, because I love that you said that, like, look, they're not overly complicated, but it is a process of kind of slowing down to uncover what is it really about.
- [14:03]
C
Right.
- [14:03]
B
And like you said for you, you uncovered several things that were happening at once, like a cluster, and so then you were able to make those changes. Is there anything you'd say that happens cognitively in terms of thought processes that you became aware of that you didn't know before?
- [14:18]
C
Yeah, so I noticed again during the day it was concentration and focus. So there's probably, you know, I think right now there's this huge trend of adult ADHD because we're finally like finding out more information. And so now I'm like, okay, I wonder, you know, was. Was. Is my BFRB kind of a coping mechanism for focus for, for the ADHD symptoms that, that I, that I lived with and then just. Yeah. And then cognitively from the more of like, what am I thinking about? Like, to get the negative self speak right. Like at work, you know, the stress of that, etc. So 100% there's stress involved, there's physical, you know, physical discomfort involved. And then at night it was pure tiredness and exhaustion, but I was pushing through and still working late at night. And so now I just go to sleep. Like my body can't even stay awake past 9, 10pm at this point because of that retraining.
- [15:23]
B
And so can I ask you, like, what's something that's shifted in terms of like a paradigm internally? Like how you look at things is like, have you learned to recognize, wow, I was really being super critical in a way that was really not necessary or there isn't kind of almost like not taking it personal, personally, ourselves, because I think oftentimes we, we can absolutely turn stuff against ourselves and personalize so many things and, and use that to essentially beat ourselves up. Would you say that there's a pivot that you made there with, with all of this work that you did and became aware of all this stuff?
- [15:55]
C
Yeah, I think it started with awareness of my hands and then it turned to awareness of my thoughts and just that inner critic inside was so noisy and it's still there, but it's a lot quieter. I do a lot of like meditation and prayer and that kind of thing now to kind of help me not be so negative. You Know, gratitude, journaling, things like that, that help me see the world with rose colored glasses on instead of, you know, gray glasses, if you will. But it takes again, it takes work. It's, it's simple, but it takes work. You have to choose, right? Even with water, someone who drinks, you know, four coffees a day and soda, it's a struggle to switch to plain water. You know, it's, it is, it's, it's challenging, but it's. You have to decide for yourself. It's the. If it's the right thing for you to do because of what it gives you by letting go of and by saying no to some of these things that are giving you something else that you think is good for you. The energy, the, the flavor, whatever it is, it's just a trade off that you need to decide how to balance.
- [17:14]
B
Yeah, I mean, everything you're saying, I think is exactly right. And I want one. As folks are listening to all this, you know, one thing I always like to say is like, there's not like a one size fits all. So you really do have to hone in for yourself. Where are you in terms of your own life? Of course, cultural dynamics, you know, your age, like you said, how bad are things? What do you want instead of what currently is there? What are you willing to give up or not? I mean, we have to work with ourselves and, and we do change and evolve. So it's not like, you know, I don't think it's like a one and done. I did it once and eureka, it's forever now, resolved. I think we revisit these things like you said, to your point, when you were younger, you know, your father had cancer and he passed away, then became a mother. Right. So, I mean, these are just a couple, couple of big examples of changes we all go through. Getting older is a change, you know, and I think just to know that we can keep adapting and adjusting our tools, techniques, strategies. Right. Like you said, now maybe while I kind of just need to go to bed earlier and if I don't finish, sounds like you just put a pause and you don't need to keep pushing in a way that isn't really useful.
- [18:25]
C
Yeah. And I think I, I wonder if that understanding of life comes just with age. Like in your 20s, you're just like, you know, I have a niece who's in her 20s right now and she was working in an internship this summer and I mean, they would make them stay till 11pm doing nothing, you know, but it's just the culture of that young age, of you're an intern and this is what you do. And so there's that question of, of, you know, okay, am I going to put myself through that or am I going to go choose something else that doesn't destroy me at my young age? But by. I feel like by your, by the time you hit your 40s, you're. You're like, never again am I going to ever let anyone do that to me. You know, my time is precious, my body is precious. But yeah, that exactly what you just said about something always comes up in life. Right. Like these behaviors we'll even see in, in the community or people in online Facebook groups where they'll be like, I stopped hair pulling. But then the next sentence will be, but my skin picking has gone out of whack. And so you're really just trading one unhealthy coping mechanism for another. And so that's why it's really important to identify the right healthy strategies. And then, yeah, knowing that, you know, I've been I. That, that this is a chronic health condition and it's not about being a hundred percent free of this thing. Like, to me, the cure is what, where I'm at, which is 100 shame free. I don't care anymore if I have a gap in my eyebrows or my eyelashes, but I'm, you know, 80, 90, I'm like 90 pull free. Like last night, I think I pulled a little bit out because I was super stressed about something that's happening at work right now. Right. So, you know, but I gave myself grace now, and I understand that it was happening. And even today I was working and this little corner was like, just pull me, pull me, pull me, like. And I acknowledged it and I got up and I went for a walk instead. And I, you know, texted with a friend and then I came back and sat down and that feeling, that urge had gone, you know, but I gave myself movement, I gave myself a break. I talked to myself about it. I acknowledged it was happening. So again, all of that is different ways of acting on your awareness.
- [20:45]
B
Yeah. And kind of the other thing I'm hearing you say that you're not explicitly saying, but I'm picking up on, is acceptance. And, and really, I think this goes hand in hand when we learn more about ourselves and get to a state when you say grace, I mean, really what we're talking about, I think, is that we accept ourselves in our totality with all the things that are great and then all the things that we could say are the shadows or the things we may be not proud of and saying, you know what? That's. That's me as a whole. Like, I'm gonna have to love on all the parts so that you can let go of the shame and the embarrassment and be able to stand there and just say, this is just my story. This is what it is. And some days are great, and some days, like, you know, I feel that urge, but now I know what it is. So here's what I did instead.
- [21:32]
C
Yeah, 100% accept. I think there's, like, a false understanding of what acceptance is. I feel like acceptance to a lot of people is, well, I have this, and this is my lot in life, and I can't do anything about it. Acceptance. And then there's acceptance of, I have this, but I can still find a way to make it small in my life, and I can work at that, and I can do that. And it may not go away completely, but again, I can make it small. It doesn't have to take up space. It doesn't have to be this big, heavy burden that I carry. It can be this little thing that, you know, taps me on the shoulder every now and again when I need to take care of myself. And learning to shift it from this burden to more of like a superpower, in a sense, or more of an advantage of, hey, I have something that notifies me when I'm out of balance. You know, like, I have. I have my hands. As soon as my hands go here, I now know, okay, it's time for bed. Okay, it's time to go for a walk. You know, like, we can just flip the script. These are not our enemies. These are actually just our buddies saying, hey, take care of me and we don't have to.
- [22:50]
B
Yeah, I love that perspective, by the way. I think it's beautiful to be able to. To take something and reframe it. Because, you know, a lot of things in life, I think, do have to do with our perspective. And. And we don't often used to say, like, you don't have to change it. 180. I mean, just 1 degree, 1%. Right. 1% shift to see it just a little differently, where you don't have to, like, fake it and pretend everything is all positive and happy. We're not talking about that, but we are seeing when you can step back for a second and just reflect honestly about, okay, yes, this thing bothers me. Yes, it's there. Yes, I don't like it. But also, let me be a little bit more realistic about, you know, okay, well, if this is the thing I have to deal with, like, people often share stories about, well, what if you have a physical ailment, right? Like, you understand, you have it. Okay, well, how then will you work with that so that you find ways, and there are ways, and there's lifestyle changes you can make and other things you can do? I mean, I think it's human nature to want, you know, like, one quick fix, easy answer. Just give it to me now, yesterday, and let's. Let's move. Let's have it be all awesome from here on out and never a problem ever again. I'm like, well, that.
- [23:55]
C
That's realistic.
- [23:56]
B
Yeah, that's not life, man. Like, live has ups, it has downs and sadness and tears and joy and excitement, and it all can happen within one hour. Even. So that. That's just the human experience.
- [24:08]
C
Yeah, I. I think it's. And it's. I think. And that's life. Life is about challenges and how you meet them. Like they say, you know, life. Is your teacher gonna keep giving you the same lesson until you learn it. Right? Like, and so this is our moment with. With these behaviors. Let's learn the lesson. Just take care of yourself.
- [24:31]
B
Yeah.
- [24:32]
C
You know, and. And a lot of this came. Came really also from meeting with the treatment professional. A lot of this sort of shift in my mentality and even learning to see my hair pulling as something that's good came from working with the treatment professional who helped me finally look at the loss of my dad and my grief that I was holding on to. And this was again in my 30s where she asked me to find five good things that came from his death. And I was able to. And from then on, I no longer like. Like, his. His death anniversary was three, four days ago, and it's the first time I didn't cry or maybe the second time I haven't cried. Right. So it's been like two decades plus. And because of that work and because I feel him still with me and because I still talk to him and I trust in him, I don't feel like I ever lost anything, you know, And. And that really stems from, again, that shift in perspective that you talked about of. I choose to now see this big, bad wolf in my life as my cute, furry little doggy who's sleeping over there right now. Right. Like, flipping the script on how I view that loss because I can see so many gains from it. And. And so if there's anything you've. Everyone who's listening takes away from this conversation is our challenges are there to help us and when we meet them with love instead of fighting them, they go away so much faster.
- [26:23]
B
I love that. I mean that that's, I think, really, really beautifully said. I want to thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing your story and because your own insights in this journey and process and so glad that you built this tool. And so if anybody listening would like to find you, how can they find you?
- [26:39]
C
Yeah, you can find me at Habitaware on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter or X, whatever. And then habitaware.com is our website if you want to take a look at the offerings we have for folks in the BFRB community. We have our Smart bracelet, we have our E course that teaches the system that we kind of talked about. We do peer coaching and we have an online community as well taking people through this journey of behavior change and lifestyle change through hope and love. And my email address is anilahabitaware.com so if you feel compelled to reach out, I love to hear from folks. I love to connect. And yeah, I'm very, very grateful to have this opportunity. Thank you so much. Christina.
- [27:28]
B
Thanks.
- [27:31]
A
Thanks for listening to the OCD Whisperer podcast. Remember, freedom from OCD is a journey.
- [27:37]
B
And you're not alone.
- [27:38]
A
Visit www.coraresults.com to explore of help masterclasses like Sneaky Rituals with Jenna Overbough or ICBT Masterclass with Christina and Abe. Don't forget to grab your OCD CBT journal tracker and planner while you're there. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, share and leave a five star review to help others find the podcast. Together we can make a difference. Keep going and I'll see you in the next episode.