Episode 934: Comparing Our Inside to Other People’s Outside

Summary

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Episode Overview

Episode Title: Comparing Our Inside to Other People’s Outside
Podcast: The Official BNI Podcast
Host: Dr. Ivan Misner
Episode Number: 934
Date: October 29, 2025

In this episode, Dr. Ivan Misner, founder and Chief Visionary Officer of BNI, discusses the dangers of comparing our inner experiences (“behind the scenes footage”) to the carefully curated exteriors people display to the world, especially through social media. He explores why we engage in such comparisons, the psychological cost, and practical strategies to overcome this tendency and focus on personal growth.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why We Compare Ourselves to Others (01:10–04:30)

• Human Wiring for Comparison:
  Dr. Misner explains that social comparison is part of human nature, a remnant of how we determine our place in a tribe or community.

  “Our brains are built for social comparison. It's how we assess where we fit in a tribe or a community or a chapter.” (01:35)

• Curated Perfection:
  In today's world, especially with social media, people tend to present a polished version of their lives, hiding struggles and failures.

  “People show the polished outside of their successes, vacations, best angles on social media. Rarely do they show the tears, the struggles, the sleepless nights.” (01:50)

• Impression Management:
  The version of others we see is often marketing, not reality. We have "emotional blind spots" because we know our own insecurities but only see others’ highlight reels.

  “We only see the edited trailer of other people's lives, not the behind the scenes footage.” (02:20)

• Survivor Bias:
  We often only notice the “winners” and forget that most are struggling behind the scenes, which warps our perceptions of success.

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2. The Cost of Comparison (04:30–06:05)

• Thief of Joy:
  Comparing ourselves to curated exteriors distorts reality and can rob us of happiness.

  “Comparison to me is the thief of joy. It distorts reality. You judge your whole messy inside world against somebody's carefully staged outside and it's an unfair fight.” (05:00)

• Paralysis and Imposter Syndrome:
  Such comparisons can fuel imposter syndrome and stop us from taking risks or celebrating our own progress.

  “When you constantly measure yourself up against others, it can stop you from taking risks, starting projects or celebrating your own progress.” (05:25)
  Dr. Misner references Episode 912 for a deeper dive on imposter syndrome.

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3. How to Avoid Unhelpful Comparisons (06:05–08:07)

Dr. Misner shares actionable strategies:

• Flip the Frame:
  Turn envy into education—rather than asking “Why am I not where they are?”, ask “What can I learn from their journey?” (06:15)

• Gratitude as an Antidote:
  Practice daily gratitude by writing down small or big wins.

  “Gratitude focuses you on what you do have rather than what you lack.” (06:34)

• Curate Your Inputs:
  Be mindful of your media consumption—mute social feeds that trigger negative comparison.

  “Don't consume content that poisons your self worth.” (06:47)

• Micro-dosing the News:
  Avoid overconsumption of news, especially when it erodes your self-esteem and creates unnecessary fear. (06:55)

• Rule of Context:
  Remember that you know your own struggles but only see others’ highlight reels.

  “Give yourself the same grace you give them… Life is a marathon, not a sprint.” (07:07)

• Compete With Yourself:

  “The only competitor worth beating is the you of yesterday.” (07:24)

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4. Ivanisms: Dr. Misner’s Key Takeaways (07:00–08:07)

Dr. Misner shares four phrases—or Ivanisms—to reinforce the episode’s main message:

1. “Stop comparing your behind the scenes footage to someone else's highlight reel.”
2. “What we see in others is often performance, not reality, not the total reality.”
3. “Your inside voice doesn't hear their inside struggles, so don't assume they don't have any.”
4. “In life, the only scoreboard that matters is your own growth.”

“Run your own race because your inside journey matters more than anyone else's outside show. And stop comparing your life to someone else's Instagram feed filters, they don't pay the bills and hashtags don't hug you at night. Run your own race, laugh along the way. And remember, even the highlight reel has bloopers that other people haven't seen.” (07:43)

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5. Discussion on Social Media and Authenticity (08:34–09:43)

• Social media often presents a "false narrative" of others’ lives.
• Dr. Misner acknowledges he uses social media but emphasizes educational over self-promotional content.
• Not everyone’s life is perfect—there are always challenges and “bloopers” behind the scenes.

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Notable Quotes

• “Comparison to me is the thief of joy.” (05:00) – Dr. Ivan Misner
• “Stop comparing your behind the scenes footage to someone else's highlight reel.” (07:04) – Dr. Ivan Misner
• “Life is a marathon, not a sprint. …The only competitor worth beating is the you of yesterday.” (07:13, 07:24) – Dr. Ivan Misner
• “Run your own race because your inside journey matters more than anyone else's outside show.” (07:43) – Dr. Ivan Misner
• “Hashtags don't hug you at night.” (07:50) – Dr. Ivan Misner

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:10 – Introduction to topic: inside vs. outside comparisons
• 01:35 – Why we socially compare: human wiring and community
• 02:20 – Emotional blind spots and the highlight reel effect
• 05:00 – Cost of comparison: ‘thief of joy’ and its consequences
• 06:15 – Strategies to avoid comparison (flip the frame, gratitude, curate feeds)
• 07:00 – Ivanisms and key takeaways
• 08:34 – Social media, authenticity, and educational content

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Closing Thoughts

Dr. Misner encourages listeners to recognize their own unique journeys, focus on personal growth, and be mindful of the curated nature of others’ public personas—especially on social media. The only “scoreboard” that truly matters is one’s own personal development and happiness.

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For more on imposter syndrome: Refer to [Episode 912].
For more on gratitude: Search the BNI podcast archives for gratitude-themed episodes.

Transcript

[A]

Episode 934 comparing our inside to other People's outside.

[B]

You're listening to the official BI podcast with BI founder and chief visionary officer Dr. Ivan Meisner. Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips from the man who's been called the father of modern networking, along with suggestions and insights into getting the most from your membership in the world's largest networking organization, bni.

[A]

Hello everybody, and welcome back to the official B and I Podcast. I'm Priscilla Rice and I'm coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. And I'm joined on the phone today by the founder and the Chief Visionary Officer of B and I, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Hello, Ivan, how are you and where are you?

[B]

I have just gotten back from the B and I membership cruise US cruise to the Caribbean and spent several days with BNI members from all over the United States. It was a blast.

[A]

Wow, that sounds like fun. Okay, and what do you have to share with us today?

[B]

So for quite a few years, I have, you know, talked to my kids and mentored business people, particularly when, you know, they felt like they just weren't enough, they weren't as successful as they should have been or, or could have been, or are. And, and you know, they would sometimes compare themselves to other people. And you know, I really, I've thought about this a lot and I think the problem with that is that we compare our inside to other people's outside. And so I'll explain that more, but first, let me, let me say why I think we do this briefly. What it means is we compare who we are and we know who we are to what we see from other people and how they behave. And we do this because I think it's human wiring to some extent. Our brains are built for a social comparison. It's how we assess where we fit in a tribe or a community or a chapter. The problem is that today's tribe or community or chapter includes curated Instagram feeds and highlight reels. Right? I think impression management is part of it. People show the polished outside of their successes, vacations, best angles on social media. Rarely do they show the tears, the struggles, the sleepless nights. We forget that what we see is to some extent, marketing. It's certainly not the full and complete reality of someone's life. We have emotional blind spots. We have full access, full access to our insecurities, our failures, our doubts. But we only see the edited trailer of other people's lives, not the behind the scenes footage. I also think there's a bit of A survival bias. We notice the winners, not the strugglers. It tricks us into thinking that everyone else has figured it out except us. I can't tell you how many times people said that they have got it all figured out and. Or sometimes when I'd talk to people and I'd say I really struggled with that and they would say, wow, I thought you had it all figured out. Well, it's because you see my outside, you don't see my inside. I struggle with the same kinds of things that a lot of other people struggle with. I think there's a cost of this kind of comparison, and it begins with this comparison to me is the thief of joy. It distorts reality. You judge your whole messy inside world against somebody's carefully staged outside and it's an unfair fight. You'll often lose that fight. I think there's an element of a paralysis and imposter syndrome. And when you constantly measure yourself up against others, it can stop you from taking risks, starting projects or celebrating your own progress. I would urge the listeners here to Listen to episode 912 of BNI podcast 912 about imposter syndrome where somebody was came to me and asked me about imposter syndrome and I have a whole episode on that. The third thing I want to talk about is how to avoid the comparisons. These are some things to consider to avoid comparing your inside to other people's outside. First flip the frame. Instead of saying why am I not where they are? Ask what can I learn from their journey? Turn envy into education. What is it that I can learn from what they did to get to where they are? I think gratitude as an antidote. And I've talked about gratitude. Do a search on B and a podcast, you'll find quite a few podcasts that I've done on gratitude. Write down your daily wins, small or big. Gratitude focuses you on what you do have rather than what you lack. And I think it's a powerful, powerful thing to include in your life, to be grateful for the things that you have achieved in your life. And we've all got things that we're, you know, we feel we could do better at. I certainly do, but I try to spend as much time as possible in gratitude. This is an important one. Curate your inputs. Let me explain that if certain social feeds trigger comparison, mute them. Don't consume content that poisons your self worth. I started saying this during the COVID pandemic. Micro dose the news. I really feel strongly about that one. The news has become less about news and more about opinions regarding the news. And so don't consume content that poisons your, your self worth, your value or that that has you. You know, be fearful of the world. Go back to the state of gratitude. Remember the rule of context. You know your whole story, but you only see others highlight reel. So give yourself the same grace you give them. You have your own highlight reel and you know they see that and they may not see the other troubles that you've got and understand that you, you know, you, you, you run your own race. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Yes, I wrote a book with that title. Networking is a marathon, not a sprint. And it's a callback certainly to the title of that book, which I'll be talking about in some future podcasts. The only competitor worth beating is the you of yesterday. So run that race. You know, be better than you were yesterday. On my social media, I have a whole series of Ivanisms. So I'm going to give you some Ivanisms before I wrap up.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That relate to, you know, your inside versus somebody else's outside. Here's four of them. First, stop comparing your behind the scenes footage to someone else's highlight reel. Second, what we see in others is often performance, not reality, not the total reality. Your inside voice doesn't hear their inside struggles, so don't assume they don't have any. And the last Ivanism I'm going to share before I wrap up is in life, the only scoreboard that matters is your own growth. That's the scoreboard that is the most important. So just to wrap up, Priscilla, recognize that your story is still being written and the only person you truly need to outpace is the version of yourself from yesterday. Run your own race because your inside journey matters more than anyone else's outside show. And stop comparing your life to someone else's Instagram feed filters, they don't pay the bills and hashtags don't hug you at night. Run your own race, laugh along the way. And remember, even the highlight reel, even the highlight reel has bloopers that other people haven't seen. That's my message for today, Priscilla.

[A]

That's a great message, Ivan. I really like that. Yeah, it's very important to do that, especially since we have all this social media now where it's really a big opportunity to make a great presentation, which, like you said, is not the blooper reel. It's highly produced.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think it gives a false narrative to some extent. And it's important to recognize that not everyone's life is, you know, rainbows and unicorns, that they've had a lot of challenges getting to where they are. And this is said by somebody who loves social media. I use social media, and anyone who follows me on social media knows one thing for sure, that I use most of my social media, certainly my public social media, as an educational platform to talk about the things that I'm teaching as opposed to, you know, recommend products or services or even my own books. You know, I. I have far more educational content than I do any kind of promotional content about my books, although I do promote them on my social media.

[A]

Okay, full disclosure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. That's great. I think that's it for this week. This podcast is sponsored by MeisnerAudioPrograms.com these audio programs will provide you with the tools and the inspiration to powerfully enhance your B and I experience. So check out the great material that's available to [e-mail] and then use the promo code IVAN5O for 50% off of everything. All of the proceeds go to the BNI Foundation. Thank you so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice, and we look forward to having you join us again next week for another exciting episode of the official BNI podcast.