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Episode 943, what to say to boring people.
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You're listening to the official BI podcast with BI founder and chief visionary officer, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips from the man who's been called the father of modern networking, along with suggestions and insights into getting the most from your membership in the world's largest networking organization, bni.
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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the official B and I podcast. I'm Priscilla Rice, and I'm coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. And I'm joined on the phone today by the founder and the Chief visionary officer of BNI, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Hello, Ivan. How are you? And where are you?
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I am on vacation this week, so. Shh. Don't tell my wife that I'm doing this podcast. I'm actually in Hawaii. I have a meeting next week, the Transformational Leadership Council, which I've talked about many, many, many times.
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Right.
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And that's next week. This week I'm taking a few days off.
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Lovely. You're getting. You're hitting all the wonderful beaches this year and last year.
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Well, maybe I mostly. I may mostly look at the beach rather than go on it.
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Okay, well, all right. Tell us about this boring people thing.
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Yeah, so it. You know, I was thinking about what. What do you say to boring people at a networking event? And I. I started thinking about that because a reporter asked me that question just off the cuff, and she. She said, how do you deal with boring people at a networking event or a boring networking event? And my answer kind of surprised her. I told her about a meeting I attended many years ago, and I walked into a room, looked around and thought, wow, this networking meeting is really boring. People stood in little clusters, staring at their drinks as if the secrets of the universe were hiding in the ice cubes they were looking at. There was no energy, no buzz, no spark. Then something clicked with me. As I stood there with my arms crossed, silently judging the room, I realized something really important. If I'm bored at this networking meeting, it's all my fault. It's all my fault. I was the one waiting for the meeting to entertain me instead of contributing to it. Networking is not a network, a spectator sport. And it certainly doesn't start with being interesting. It starts with being interested. That moment was a personal reset for me. I decided to shift my mindset, and this is what I talked about with the reporter. I decided to shift my mindset and dive in with genuine curiosity, not forced enthusiasm. Simple, authentic interest in the humans. Standing right in front of me. And you know what? The meeting instantly became more interesting. It wasn't the room that changed, it was my attitude that changed. And that's the truth of great networking. If you're bored, you're probably being boring. Not intentionally, not maliciously, not passively. Although passivity is really the enemy of connecting. The real reason people feel boring is, as I've learned over the years and research backs it up, that they're talking to someone who hasn't asked the right question yet. The science of people Researchers show that meaningful two way conversations reduce anxiety. They increase likability and fast track trust. And they also show something else, that people are far more interesting. When you invite them to talk about something, they're genuine that they genuinely care about. That means your job, especially in a tough room, is not to perform, impress or sell. Your job is to spark a conversation that lets the other person shine. You don't have to sell to make it a successful conversation. And business people tend to do that. One of the biggest mistakes people make is is walking into a networking event with a sales mindset. They treat the room like a marketplace instead of a community. And when you're trying to sell, you're focused on your pitch. When you're trying to connect, you're focused on people. And people can be endlessly fascinating. You don't need to close a deal to consider a meeting successful. You just need to walk away knowing you built a connection with that didn't exist 10 minutes earlier. So here's one of the biggest secrets. The less you sound like a salesperson, the more likely you are to eventually get a referral, which is counterintuitive. So take the pressure off. Put the pitch away. Be curious instead of trying to make an impression. Find points of collaboration, not transactions. Networking isn't about convincing people to hire you. It's about discovering how the two of you can benefit each other. Sometimes that looks like business. Sometimes it looks like a shared passion project or introduction. That's why I did the gains exchange many years ago. Goals, accomplishments, interests, networks and skills. Because it covers all of those areas. Sometimes it's just a warm, positive interaction that lays the groundwork for future credibility. Collaboration really starts with exploration, and exploration starts with good questions. So what, what do you actually say to people that you think at first are boring? So let's be honest. There are moments when you're talking to someone and the conversation feels like it's going nowhere fast. You ask what they do, they give you a three word answer. You ask how Long they've been doing it. They shrug. You ask what they like about it. They blink twice like you've just asked them to do algebra, but before writing them off, it's boring. Try upgrading the questions that you ask. People often struggle because the questions we ask are too generic. They lead to predictable, shallow answers. So instead, ask questions that invite real stories, like what's been the best part of your week so far? It's simple, positive. It opens the door to personal insight, not job titles. Ask besides work, what gets you up in the morning? Suddenly you're talking about hobbies, passions, family, creativity, anything but, you know, hard data reports. Ask, are you working on any fun or meaningful projects right now? Meaningful to you? This one is gold. It gives people permission to talk about what they really care about, not just what they do. Ask what personal passion project has your attention? These days, people light up when they talk about something that matters to them. I know this for a fact. I've. I've done this with, with really, really successful people. I asked that question of Richard Branson once, and he just lit up and started talking about a project that he was working on that he really, really loved. So that's a great question to ask. These questions aren't small talk. They're smart talk. And smart talk is the gateway to collaboration. So there's a psychology behind good conversation. Medium.com published a great insight on this. Being social skilled is about making the other person feel interesting or worthwhile. Being socially skilled is about making the other person feeling interesting or worthwhile and hoping something comes back the other way. That's the formula. Make others feel interesting, make them feel seen. Make them feel valued. When you do that, three things happen. They open up more deeply. You become more likable. The conversation becomes richer for both of you. And studies show that most people walk away from a conversation liking you more, even if they were the ones talking the most. Why? Because you made them feel feel good. This is social intelligence in action. If you think someone is boring, try this first. Before you assume they have no personality, shift your mindset. Instead of thinking this is boring, try I haven't discovered their interesting side yet. Change the question. Stop asking questions that lead to yes or no answers or job descriptions. Listen for the spark. Everyone has a topic that animates them. Your job is to find that topic in a networking environment. That's your job. Look for collaboration points. Where do your worlds overlap? Where could they overlap in the future? Remember that curiosity is contagious. The moment you become curious, they often become interesting. And you got to ask yourself, are you the boring one? Are you the one that's boring? We talk about work, weather, or complaints. There's nothing wrong with these topics. Well, actually, complaints are a problem. Don't talk about complaints. Half the people you tell don't care, and the other half are glad you're worse than they are. So don't talk about complaints. So it's okay to talk about work and weather in moderation, but they don't create connection, they don't spark emotion, they don't build trust. A great alternative to so what do you do at a networking event? Asking that question is, what exciting things are you working on these days? It's positive, it's inviting, and most importantly, it leads somewhere. Your responsibility as a networker is that if you walk into a room expecting entertainment, you're going to be disappointed. If you walk into a room expecting engagement, you can be successful. Networking is about taking responsibility for the quality of your interactions. The moment you choose to be interested, you influence the energy of the room and that energy comes back to you. It's the ultimate example of giver's game. You give curiosity, attention, and genuine interest, and you gain connection, opportunity, and trust. So what do you say to boring people at a networking event? You say something that gives them permission to be interesting. Because almost everyone has a great story inside them. They just need the spark. And sometimes that spark is you. Be the spark that brings out the best in others. When you light someone else up, the whole room gets brighter. And that's my message for today, Priscilla.
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That's a great message. I think that's wonderful.
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Thank you. I think we've all experienced it, haven't we? We've walked in and thought this was a really boring event, and maybe we just walked out again feeling it was a boring event. But I try to walk out of events not being bored, finding someone that I can light a spark and learn something from. And I think that's really important.
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Yeah, that's a very good thing to promote.
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Well, that's my message for today, Priscilla. Thanks.
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Okay, well, that's it for this week. Thank you so much for that great information. This podcast is sponsored by MeisnerAudioPrograms.com these audio programs will provide you with the tools and and the inspiration to powerfully enhance your B and I experience. So check out the great material that's available to you@meisneraudioprograms.com and then use the promo code IVAN5O for 50% off of everything. All of the proceeds go to the B and I Foundation. Thank you so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice, and we look forward to having you join us again next week for another exciting episode of the official BNI podcast.