Episode 945: Turning Personal Connections into Relationships

Summary

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Podcast Summary — The Official BNI Podcast

Episode 945: Turning Personal Connections into Relationships
Host: Dr. Ivan Misner
Co-Host: Priscilla Rice
Release Date: January 28, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Ivan Misner dives into the essential topic of transforming casual personal connections into strong, business-building relationships—a foundational skill for effective referral marketing. Drawing on his decades of networking experience and BNI leadership, Ivan outlines practical strategies to shift conversations from the personal to the professional, nurturing these connections into credible, mutually beneficial relationships that spark referrals.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Core Challenge: Moving Beyond Visibility

• Visibility, Credibility, Profitability (VCP) Process
  • Most people get “stuck” at visibility—being liked and trusted socially—but fail to establish themselves as credible professionals in the eyes of their network. (01:45)
  • Without credibility, referrals are rare or nonexistent.

Quote:

“A relationship at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by a purposeful business interaction.”
— Dr. Ivan Misner (01:25)

2. Intentional Language: Signaling Professional Identity

• Adjust casual dialogue to gently shift focus to business without sounding pushy.
• Examples of intentional language:
  • Swap, “How’s life?” for “How’s business these days?”
  • Instead of, “We should grab coffee sometime,” try, “I’d love to learn more about what you do professionally. You strike me as someone who might be great to work with.” (02:40)
• Go into one-to-one meetings prepared to share and listen.

Quote:

“A good networker has two ears and one mouth and should use them both proportionately.”
— Dr. Ivan Misner (03:30)

3. The Soft Business Hook

• Naturally weave business experiences into everyday stories.
• Example: “A funny thing a client I worked with last week was dealing with…” then relate a common professional challenge.
• This approach tells stories rather than pitches, showcasing your relevance and expertise. (04:15)

4. The ‘Feel, Felt, Found’ Technique

• A classic way to empathize and pivot conversations toward solutions:
  • “I understand how you feel. Someone else felt the same way until they found out [solution].” (05:30)
• Can modify language while maintaining the essence; doesn’t have to sound too “salesy.”

Memorable Moment:

Priscilla Rice: “Yeah, I’ve never heard of that before. That’s interesting.” (09:07)
Ivan Misner: “If you make it a third-party thing… that's feel, felt, found.” (09:09)

5. Elevating Conversations: Respect Their Expertise

• Ask for the other person’s professional opinion:
  • “You're in such and such industry—can I get your perspective on something I've been seeing?” (06:00)
• Shows respect and credibility, deepening rapport.

6. Inviting People Into Your Business Circle

• Don’t just ask for referrals; offer opportunities:
  • Invite contacts to a BNI group as a visitor; frame the invitation as adding value to both them and the chapter.
  • “I’m part of a business professional group where we pass referrals. I’d love to invite you as a visitor.” (06:40)

Quote:

“You’re positioning yourself as a connector, not a taker.”
— Dr. Ivan Misner (07:30)

• Dr. Misner built BNI by constantly inviting people to chapter meetings and encouraging them to bring business cards.

7. Making the First Move: Giving Before Asking

• Offer something—such as sharing a contact or making a recommendation—before expecting anything in return.
  • “I just shared your information with someone who might need your services. Let me know how it goes.” (08:20)
• Builds natural (not forced) reciprocity, a foundation of long-term relationships and effective networking.

Quote:

“Networking is all about relationships. It’s not about transactions.”
— Dr. Ivan Misner (08:50)

8. Reciprocity: The Heart of Referral Marketing

• Relational reciprocity is key: not a transactional exchange but a mutual, ongoing relationship that seeds future business opportunities.

9. The Call to Action: Don’t Let Connections Stagnate

• A connection “left stagnant will remain stagnant until it's activated with intention and with business purpose.” (08:55)
• Activate, nurture, and grow these connections to enable a successful referral process.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Ivan Misner:

  “A relationship at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by a purposeful business interaction.” (01:25)

• Dr. Ivan Misner:

  “A good networker has two ears and one mouth and should use them both proportionately.” (03:30)

• Dr. Ivan Misner:

  “You’re positioning yourself as a connector, not a taker.” (07:30)

• Dr. Ivan Misner:

  “Networking is all about relationships. It’s not about transactions.” (08:50)

• Priscilla Rice on ‘Feel, Felt, Found’:

  “Yeah, I’ve never heard of that before. That’s interesting.” (09:07)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:16 — Main theme introduction
• 01:45 — Visibility vs. credibility and the referral gap
• 02:40 — Using intentional language to shift to business conversations
• 03:30 — The importance of balanced listening
• 04:15 — Soft business hooks: blending stories with business
• 05:30 — The ‘Feel, Felt, Found’ technique explained
• 06:00 — Asking for expertise, elevating the conversation
• 06:40 — Inviting contacts to a BNI group (adding value)
• 08:20 — Giving before you ask, seeding reciprocity
• 08:55 — Importance of activating relationships with intention
• 09:07–10:54 — Deeper discussion and example of ‘Feel, Felt, Found’

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Takeaways

• Be Intentional: Purposefully guide conversations from casual to professional.
• Listen and Give: Prioritize listening and giving before seeking referrals.
• Build Credibility: Share stories, show expertise, and invite participation.
• Focus on Relationships: Treat networking as an ongoing relational process, not a transaction.
• Activate Connections: Don’t let relationships stagnate; act to grow and nurture them for meaningful business success.

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For feedback and real-world experiences on turning personal connections into business relationships, Dr. Misner welcomes comments on the BNI Podcast website and reads every response.

Transcript

[A]

Episode number 945, turning personal connections into Relationships.

[B]

You're listening to the official BI podcast with BI founder and chief visionary officer, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips from the man who's been called the father of modern networking, along with suggestions and insights into getting the most from your membership in the world's largest networking organization, bni.

[A]

Hello, everybody, and welcome. Welcome back to the official BNI Podcast. I'm Priscilla Rice and I'm coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. And I'm joined on the phone today by the founder and the Chief visionary officer of BNI, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Hello, Ivan, how are you and where are you?

[B]

I am doing great, Priscilla. This week I'm back from Hawaii. I was in Hawaii for Transformational Leadership Council event, which went great. And of course I did a BNI presentation while I was there. And this week I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina, in the B and I Global headquarters. I still sit on the Board of directors. And so I was this week I'm in Charlotte.

[A]

Great. And what are you going to share with us this morning?

[B]

Well, I'm going to share a little bit of information about something that I've been talking to the media about both this week and next week. Similar things in the I've been talking to the media about these topics and I thought they might make a great podcast. And this one's about turning personal connections into relationships. A relationship at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by a purposeful business interaction. It's a kind of a spin on a scientific phrase, but it's accurate. And, you know, you've got to keep that relationship going by having touch points. And I would recommend that people go to episode number 708, which is about VCP. I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about VCP here in this episode, but in that episode I talk about VCP being a process, not a formula. And that you have to move from visibility to credibility to profitability and that whole process. And most B and I members know that. The core challenge that I want to talk about here today is that many people remain stuck in the visibility stage. They're liked, they're trusted to some extent as individuals, but they're never repositioned as professionals where they get credibility. And without making this shift, referrals rarely if ever happen. So I'm going to give you several strategies to make that shift and then I'm happy to chat with you about it afterwards if you'd like Priscilla. Okay, so to move from casual, you have to have intentional language. So you start signaling your professional identity through conversations. Instead of saying, you know, how's life? Try how's business these days? Instead of we should grab coffee sometime, try I'd love to learn more about what you do professionally. You strike me as someone great to work with or someone who might be great to work with. And of course I talked a lot about one to ones in podcasts and so be prepared if you're going to do a one to one with somebody you know, go into it prepared to share your information, but to also listen to their information. Remember, a good networker has two ears and one mouth and should use them both proportionately. So this works because it shifts the tone toward business. Without sounding pushy, you want to as you meet people, kind of shift the the tone of the conversation towards business. Another technique is to use a soft business hook. Naturally weave your business into everyday conversation. Something like a funny thing a client I worked with last week was dealing with and then you know, some column common challenge that they might have and it reminded me how often that comes up and you just have that kind of conversation. It works because you're not pitching your storytelling and relevance builds credibility. Can also use a technique that I have talked about for many years, the feel felt found technique. Especially if somebody's talking about a problem that they're having. You know, I understand how you feel so and so felt the same way until they found out such and such. And you know, I talked to a lot of people. I and I use this technique in BNI a lot. And, and people say yeah, but these are salespeople, they know the feel felt found technique. Yeah, kind of. You don't have to use those words. You know, I understand where you're coming from. I know someone that had a similar situation and you know what they discovered. It's the same technique but it's, it's taking them out of the loop. It's not about them, it's about somebody else's situation that is in a similar situation that that the individual you're talking to may have had. So it's a, it's a great soft business hook to use. Ask when you're talking to people, ask for their expertise, engage in their professional opinion. In other words, something like you're in such and such industry. Can I get your perspective on something I've been seeing? And this works because you show respect for their knowledge and elevate the conversation to a business level. And then at Some point in the conversation, invite them into your business circle. You know, don't ask for a referral, offer access. Invite them to a BNI group. I'm, I'm a part of a business professional group where we pass referrals. I'd love to invite you as a visitor. I think you'd bring a lot of value and I think there might be people who would consider doing business with you or referring business to you. And this obviously works because you're positioning yourself as a connector, not a taker. I mean, I know people and we've talked about this in the podcast. I know people, they get, they tell their assistant, put every cold call through to me, I'll take it. And then I'll tell them, I'm happy to meet you next, you know, whatever day of the week. Their chapter meets next Tuesday at 7am at this location. Bring plenty of business cards. I'm happy to talk to you about what you do then. And you bring people in. But even in a one to one conversation or in a networking conversation, I think casually inviting people into your chapter is a very effective way to grow your chapter and to make connections. It's the way I built BNI was by constantly inviting people into a BNI chapter meeting and telling them to bring plenty of business cards because they're going to meet a lot of business professionals. It's okay to make the first business move is the next topic. You know, give before you ask, I, I, you might say, I just shared your information with someone who might need your services. Let me know how it goes. You know, if you've met them once before and you've, you've suggested them to someone, tell them and that you shared their information or tell them, you know, what is it okay if I share your information with some I know? I think they need your services. This works because it builds credibility and it creates a natural reciprocity, which is one of the reasons why B and I work so well. Is that natural reciprocity? Not, not a forced reciprocity, not a transactional reciprocity, but a relational reciprocity. That's why I called this turning Personal connections into Relationships. Because networking is all about relationships. It's not about transactions. I know, I'm in the previous podcast, I talk about an article I read years ago where they said networking's dead. Relationship marketing is the future. Well, excuse me, networking is all about relationship marketing. That's what it's all about. And by the way, everything that the person said in that article was totally networking related. But Networking in terms of building relationships, not being transactional. So reciprocity needs to be about a relational process. Let me leave you with this thought and then I'm happy to. If you want to chat about this topic, I'm happy to do that. Priscilla. A connection that's left stagnant will remain stagnant until it's activated with intention and with business purpose. And if you do that, you're going to maintain connections with people. You're going to create connections, maintain connections, and that will lead to a referral process. And that's my topic for today. I would love to hear anyone that has had some similar experiences in turning turning personal connections into particularly business relationships. I'd love to hear from on the podcast. And as I've mentioned before, I read all of the comments. I don't always comment on all of the comments, but I read all of the comments that are posted up on BNI podcast. So what are your thoughts, Priscilla?

[A]

Well, my thoughts are that some of what you said I'd never even heard before.

[B]

Oh, feel, felt found.

[A]

Yeah, I've never heard of that before. That's interesting.

[B]

You know, I think I've done a podcast on it maybe a long time ago, but I could do a whole podcast just on that. It's a great technique to use when you're trying to shift someone from where they are to where they're going to be successful. And what I found many, many, many, many years ago was that if you just go in and you say, hey, look, you know, you got to change what you're doing and you want to, you want to move it in this direction, people get defensive. Yeah, but if you make it a third party thing, you know, I understand exactly where you're coming from. I met some people before that were in a really similar situation and you know what they discovered? That's feel, felt. Fine. I understand how you feel. I know somebody that felt that way in the past and you know what they found. And when you position it like that and you tell them what the individual or the group. Oftentimes I'd be talking to a chapter and I would talk about how a chapter turned themselves around. But if I said to the chapter, you need to turn yourselves around, you know, I hear what you're saying, but you got it, you got to do this instead, then you get defensive. But if instead you say, you know, I've seen a group that had they were in a similar situation and they felt very much the same way you're describing and you know what they discovered is that if they did this, their chapter would be way more successful. And, you know, I'd love to talk to the leadership team about how to move in that direction. It's a field field found that takes the individual or the chapter out of the equation and makes it all about the individual or chapter that has discovered something and become successful. Does that make sense? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I think it's a really very smooth and easy way to do exactly what you're suggesting. I think it's great.

[B]

Yeah. It's an old negotiating technique or sales technique that I learned decades ago. I actually learned it long before I started bni. So that's everything I've got for today, and I think our time is almost up.

[A]

Thank you so much. I think that was really helpful. That's it for this week. This podcast is sponsored by MeisnerAudioPrograms.com these audio programs will provide you with the tools and the inspiration to powerfully enhance your B and I experience. So check out the great material that's available to [e-mail] and then use the promo code IVAN5O for 50% off of everything. All of the proceeds go to the B and I Foundation. Thanks so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice, and we look forward to having you join us again next week for another exciting episode of the official BNI podcast.