Episode 946: Small Talk

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: The Official BNI Podcast
Host: Dr. Ivan Misner (with Priscilla Rice)
Episode: 946 – Small Talk
Date: February 4, 2026

Main Theme:
In this episode, Dr. Ivan Misner, Founder and Chief Visionary Officer of BNI, explores the critical role of small talk in networking. Drawing from frequent media inquiries, personal experience, and the context of International Networking Week, he shares actionable advice on using small talk strategically to build valuable connections. The conversation covers what makes small talk effective or detrimental, how first impressions are formed, and practical tips for remembering names and making meaningful initial contact in professional settings.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Power of First Impressions and Small Talk

• First Impressions Are Instant

  • Dr. Misner underscores the speed at which people evaluate you:

    "People form their first impression within seven to ten seconds. That's why I wrote a book called Seven Second Marketing many, many years ago." — Dr. Ivan Misner [02:15]

  • Small talk is a bridge to deeper conversation; it can communicate warmth, approachability, and confidence, setting the tone for future interactions.

• Elements That Matter Instantly

  • Your greeting tone, eye contact, and using the person’s name all contribute to the first impression.
  • Presence is key:

    “Are you present or just physically in the room while your mind is still parking the car?” — Dr. Ivan Misner [02:15]

Good and Bad Small Talk: What to Avoid, What to Try

• What Signals Nervousness vs. Confidence?

  • Negative Openers: apologizing for not being good at networking, disliking networking events, or oversharing personal issues are either neutral or damaging.

    "That's a neutral, negative. Either people don't care or it's a negative comment." — Dr. Ivan Misner [03:34]

  • Confident Conversation Starters: focus on the other person, ask what excites them, compliment something specific, and react positively.

• Curiosity is Confidence

  • People appreciate when they are asked thoughtful questions and allowed to expand on their experiences:

    "Confidence isn't loud. It's curious." — Dr. Ivan Misner [04:01]

• Interview Framework

  • Good networking mirrors interviews: ask questions, let others expand, aim to create a connection that leads to a relationship.

Small Talk Topics: Pitfalls and Opportunities

• Weather Talk: Flight or Runway?

  • Talking about the weather is acceptable if brief; use it to segue into real conversation:

    "Weather can be a Runway, but it shouldn't be the flight itself." — Dr. Ivan Misner [05:27]

    • Example: use weather as a lead-in to discuss hobbies or personal stories.

• Deal-Breaker Topics

  • Gossip and controversial topics (esp. politics/religion) can instantly close doors.
    • BNI specifically prohibits politics and religion at meetings, a rule learned through hard experience:

      "I can tell you absolutely, positively, it's a negative within a networking context." — Dr. Ivan Misner [08:33]

  • Avoid complaining about the event or environment; you never know who’s listening:

    "I've seen people complain about an event...not realizing they were talking to one of the people that helped organize it." — Dr. Ivan Misner [08:59]

The Strategic Purpose of Small Talk

• The goal is not to fill silence but to:

  • Find common ground
  • Build trust
  • Begin a relationship, not just exchange business cards:

    “You aren’t collecting business cards, you’re collecting relationships.” — Dr. Ivan Misner [09:23]

• Small talk can be the start of a strategic partnership, so approach it with intention.

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Practical Tips for Remembering Names

• The Common Challenge

  • Priscilla Rice mentions the difficulty of remembering a new acquaintance's name, often lost due to simultaneous focus on reading their body language. [10:19–10:56]

• Dr. Misner’s Recommendation

  • Repetition is key:
    • Ask the person to repeat their name and spell it.
    • Use their name multiple times early in the conversation.
    • Introduce them to others to reinforce the name.
  • For more strategies, he recommends a past podcast episode:

    “Go to episode number 478 of my podcast. 478. It’s called Remembering Names.” — Dr. Ivan Misner [10:56]

  • "But the key to me is repeating the name...and repeating it immediately. Because what happens is you lose it immediately. At least I do." — Dr. Ivan Misner [11:57]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On First Impressions:

  “You are evaluated faster than a sneeze in a cat cafe.” — Dr. Ivan Misner [01:49]

• On Small Talk Not Being Shallow:

  “Small talk doesn’t have to be shallow. It’s a bridge to meaningful conversation…” — Dr. Ivan Misner [02:12]

• On Stepping into a Political Minefield:

  “No politics. Don’t bring in politics into a chapter. And after 41 years, I can tell you absolutely, positively, it’s a negative within a networking context.” — Dr. Ivan Misner [08:33]

• On the Goal of Networking:

  “You aren’t collecting business cards, you’re collecting relationships.” — Dr. Ivan Misner [09:23]

• On Name Forgetfulness:

  “Somebody tells me their name and it’s immediately gone.” — Priscilla Rice [10:26] “Repeat your name for me. And then the person repeats their name...and then use the name throughout the conversation.” — Dr. Ivan Misner [12:05]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:11] – Introduction to small talk as a topic, and distinction from ‘Smart Talk’
• [01:44] – How quickly small talk is evaluated (first impressions)
• [03:34] – Examples of nervous vs. confident small talk
• [05:27] – Weather talk as small talk: how to use and when to pivot
• [06:43] – When small talk becomes a deal breaker (gossip, politics, religion)
• [09:23] – The real purpose of small talk in networking
• [10:04] – Discussion on remembering names effectively

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Summary Flow & Tone

The conversation is friendly, practical, and rooted in Dr. Misner’s vast experience with networking. Anecdotes (like the cat cafe and the city councilman incident) add a relatable touch, while the advice is actionable and grounded. The tone is warm, with an emphasis on learning from mistakes and focusing on building authentic relationships.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Make your small talk matter: be present, show curiosity, and steer clear of divisive topics.
• First impressions are formed within seconds—make yours count.
• Confidence in small talk is shown by asking thoughtful questions, not by dominating the conversation.
• Use small talk to build bridges, not to fill space.
• Remember names by immediate repetition and usage in conversation.
• Focus on relationships, not just transactions, for effective networking.

For a deeper dive into name recall, listen to Episode 478: “Remembering Names.”

Transcript

[A]

Episode number 946, Small Talk.

[B]

You're listening to the official BNI podcast with BI founder and chief visionary officer, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips from the man who's been called the father of modern networking, along with suggestions and insights into getting the most from your membership in the world's largest networking organization, bni.

[A]

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the official BNI Podcast.

[B]

Priscilla.

[A]

I'm Priscilla Rice and I'm coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. And I'm joined on the phone today by the founder and the Chief Visionary officer of B and I, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Hello, Ivan, how are you and where are you?

[B]

Well, I tell you, I'm kind of all over the world this year because this is International Networking Week and I'm doing a number of talks and videos for people around the world. International Networking week started in 2007, so we're coming up on our 20th anniversary and it's, it's been a way of really getting exposure for BNI Worldwide.

[A]

Interesting. Okay, what are you going to teach us this morning?

[B]

Well, I'm going to talk about a small talk and I did have a podcast not long ago. Episode number 937 is called Smart Talk, not small talk, but it's, it's interesting. The media has been asking me a lot lately about this topic, small talk, and there are a number of questions that they've been asking me. So I'm, I'm going to share the questions that they've asked and what my answers are and then we should have a little time at the end. Priscilla.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

To talk about it if you'd like.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So one of the first questions I'm asked by the media and I do about 150 interviews a year, not counting my podcasts with you, I do about 150 interviews a year. So I do quite a few and, and virtually all on networking topics. And one of the first questions that I'm being asked is, is your small talk being evaluated the moment you say hello? And the short answer to that is, yeah, yes. It happens faster than a sneeze in a cat cafe. It is immediately. Have you ever been in a cat cafe, by the way?

[A]

Yes, yes, I have.

[B]

I have. I have too. In Japan. It's really strange. And for those people who don't know what a cat cafe is, you go into a cafe in Japan and you have tea usually, and there's like, I don't know, what do you think, 20, 30 cats in that are all over the place.

[A]

The one I, I would, the one I saw was or was in actually was. They were trying to get them adopted. Was yours?

[B]

Wow. No, this is, this is an actual, like, coffee shop or tea shop that I went into in Japan with one of my children, Dorian, and, and my late wife and we had, you know, tea and cats all over the place. That was pretty crazy. But I'm off topic. But it, it, it, it does. You are evaluated faster than a sneeze in a cat cafe. People form their first impression within seven to ten seconds. That's why I wrote a book called Seven Second Marketing many, many years ago. The tone of your greeting, your eye contact, and even how you say the other person's name all send a message. You know, are you present or are you just physically in the room while your mind is still parking the car? Small talk doesn't have to be shallow. It's a bridge to meaningful conversation and it shows, it can show warmth, approachability, and confidence. So I'm, I'm next asked, you know, what topics signal what you're, that you're nervous and which convey confidence. So topics like apologizing for yourself. Oh, you know, I'm not really good at networking or I'm not really a fan of networking events that, that don't do that. That's, that's a neutral, negative. Either people don't care or it's a negative comment. It's not going to help you in any way whatsoever. Also, oversharing, personal issues, you know, tmi, too much information. That's another potential problem. I don't see that happen as often, but I do see apol. People apologizing for themselves, you know, saying that they're not good at networking or whatever. Confident conversation starters focus on the other person. Ask, you know, what they're excited to be working on. React positively to something that they've shared. Compliment something specific, not, not generic that they've said or done. Confidence isn't loud. It's, it's curious. The person who asks thoughtful questions looks like the one who knows what they're doing. And you know, people love it when you've asked them questions and you've allowed them to talk. It's. I would equate it a lot to doing interviews with the media where the media will ask me a question and they allow me to, they allow me to expand. And that's really what a good networker should be doing, is allowing the other person to expand based on the questions that they ask. And you want to make A connection with somebody. Last week we were talking about, you know, relationships, connections that lead to relationships. You want to have a connection that leads to a relationship. Show that you're curious. Another question that I'm often asked is, does talking about the weather mark you as uninspired or lazy? So talking about the weather is okay if you don't stay there longer than the forecast? You know, it's easy to do that. And weather can be a Runway, but it shouldn't be the flight itself. You, you can and should pivot pretty quickly. Yeah, it's been really, really hot. You know, how are you keeping cool in this weather? Any fun projects that you're doing indoors or outdoors? You know, I might talk about, well, it's been hot here in Austin, where I live. I've been taking the boat out and it's always like 10 degrees cooler when you're on the water and going fast. And I might go fast a little bit in my boat. So it's usually pretty, pretty cool. So you have a conversation like that, suddenly you've kind of gone from being a meteorologist to a meaningful conversationalist. Apologies to the meteorologists that might be out there, but it, it's, it's okay to talk about weather, but just don't stick there. So here's the next question I've been asked a lot. Can the wrong type of small talk be a deal breaker? And the answer to that is absolutely. Small talk can open a door and it can slam it shut. A deal breaker. Small talk includes gossip. Makes people wonder what you're going to say about them. Controversial topics right out of the gate, especially politics. It's one of the reasons why in BNI we don't do politics and religion. And I know that, you know, that really angers people. People sometimes really feel like I, you know, I need to be able to talk about how I feel.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Talk about how you feel, just not at a B and I meeting. And, and I'll tell you how we learned this. And I know I did a podcast many years ago about this. We learned this the hard way many, many years ago, like 35 years ago or more, when a chapter brought in an outside speaker, which a, they shouldn't have done because we, we really don't have outside speakers. We let our members have the, the, the, the, the feature presentation, but they brought in an outside speaker who was a local city councilman. And he, first thing he did was start talking about a, some local ordinance that was going to be changed. And he just riled the chapter Up. Half of it, the chapter loved it. Half of it was furious. And, you know, I, I heard. I wasn't there, but I heard all about it, and I was like, okay, guys, no politics. Don't. Don't bring in politics into a chapter. And after 41 years, I can tell you absolutely, positively, it's, It's a negative within a networking context. Now, having said that, you want to be politically active, God bless you. Go do it. I, I'm all for it. And the funny thing is I talk about. Don't, don't talk about politics. But I have a bachelor's degree in political science, so I enjoy politics. I, I talk about it with friends, but I don't do it in a networking environment. And I urge you, if you want to network effectively, stay away from that topic. It's, it's, it's bad. Okay, I sidetracked a little bit, complaining about the event you're at. Yes, people do it. I don't recommend that you complain about the event that you're at. I've seen people complain about the event that they, they were at and ended up not realizing they were talking to one of the people that helped organize it. Oh, no. Yes, I saw that happen. And it's like, okay, you know, you know, take out foot and, you know, just change feet. Right. Insert foot into your mouth. So the purpose of small talk isn't to fill silence, it's to find common ground and to build trust in networking. You're. You aren't collecting business cards, you're collecting relationships. So, yes, a strategic hello can lead to a strategic partnership, and it often does begin with that small talk. So that's my message for today. Priscilla, any thoughts?

[A]

Yeah. Okay. I have a thought from the beginning of your speech, and it's about when the number of seconds it takes for people to judge you, and you had a very low number, like seven seconds or something. Is that right?

[B]

Yeah, it's very short. It's, you know, a couple of senses. I wrote a book on this, but it was really mainly aimed at, you know, meeting people in a group as opposed to one to one. But generally speaking, yeah, just a few seconds and people. You're already making an impression on people, good or bad.

[A]

So the reason I mention it is because my big fear is forgetting somebody's name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was thinking, why, why does it disappear? Somebody tells me their name and it's immediately gone. And I think it's because I'm looking at their eyes and I'm kind of trying to get an an analysis of what this person's like or something about them or, you know, it's. It's kind of what you were talking about, except then I also forget their name. So I think there must be a way to remember their name.

[B]

There are some suggestions. And, you know, some people have these really elaborate techniques where, you know, you remember some facial feature and think of somebody else, and it's a full moon on a Tuesday, and you think about, well, I can't do all that. I do recommend that you go that. I think this is a great question. And if you're interested in more information on Priscilla's question, go to episode number 478 of my podcast. 478. It's called Remembering Names. And in there, I talk about some things that I do, like repetition. Priscilla, it's very nice to meet you. How do you spell that, Priscilla? You know, because I'm guessing there's different ways to spell it. And so you get them to name it again, then use their name in the conversation. So, Priscilla, what do you. Fun. What do you do that's interesting here? What's most interesting about your business? And then as you're talking to them, say, hey, Priscilla, I have somebody here that might want to have a chat with you, that might want to meet with you. Is it okay if I, you know, bring them on over and introduce you? I mean, there's a number of things that you do, but the key to me is repeating the name.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And repeating it immediately. Because what happens is you lose it immediately. At least I do.

[A]

Yeah. It's true. It just disappears.

[B]

And so I'll oftentimes say, repeat your name for me. And then the person repeats their name. I get it, Priscilla. And then. And then use the name throughout the conversation. Go to that podcast, everyone. Episode number 478. And I think we're out of time. Did you have another question or. We're good now?

[A]

That was it, Ivan.

[B]

All right, well, thank you. Thank you, Priscilla. It's always good talking to you.

[A]

You're welcome, Ivan. Okay, great. I think that's it for this week. Podcast is sponsored by MeisnerAudioPrograms.com these audio programs will provide you with the tools and the inspiration to powerfully enhance your BNI experience. So check out the great material that's available to [e-mail] and then use the promo code IVAN5O for 50% off of everything. All of the proceeds go to the B and I Foundation. Thanks so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice, and we look forward to having you join us again next week for another exciting episode of the official B and I podcast.