Loading summary
Transcript13 lines
- [00:00]
A
Episode 963, the Power of Feel Felt Found.
- [00:08]
B
You're listening to the official BI podcast with BNI founder and chief visionary officer, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Stay tuned for networking and referral marketing tips from the man who's been called the father of modern networking, along with suggestions and insights into getting the most from your membership in the world's largest networking organization, bni.
- [00:31]
A
Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the official BNI Podcast. I'm Priscilla Rice and I'm coming to you from Live Oak Recording Studio in Berkeley, California. And I'm joined on the phone today by the founder and the Chief visionary officer of BNI, Dr. Ivan Meisner. Hello, Ivan, how are you and where are you?
- [00:52]
B
I am on my way to the United Kingdom. I'm leaving Ireland and on my way to the United Kingdom for their. Their annual conference. It's been a few years since I've been to the uk, so I'm really excited to go back. It's one of our first countries outside of North America. As a matter of fact, it is. It is the first country outside of North America that we started.
- [01:12]
A
What, that joined bni.
- [01:13]
B
I mean, yeah, yeah, it was the first country outside the US And Canada. I think they were country number three.
- [01:20]
A
Oh, great. Well, what do you have to share with us?
- [01:23]
B
I have an interest. At least, I think it's interesting. I was talking to somebody about this in the way they manage chapters and I use this phrase and they're like, wow, I've never heard that. And this is really powerful. You need to do a podcast on this. And I'm like, okay, I'll do it. So have you. Have you? This is a rhetorical question for those listening. Have you ever had someone disagree with you and instead of pushing back, you actually listened and leaned in? That's. That's a skill. And today I want to talk about one of the most powerful communication techniques in sales, in leadership, in negotiating, and in networking. Something often called feel felt found. Feel, comma, felt comma, found. Here's the twist. The real power isn't in those exact words. The real power is in the structure behind them. So what is feel felt found in a simple phrase? What it is, is I, you know, I understand how you feel. So and so felt the same way until they found out X. I understand how you feel. So and so felt the same way until they found out this. And at its core, the technique does three things. It acknowledges someone's concern. It shows that they're not alone. It gently introduces a new perspective, and it is Some variation of that phrase usually. And it's used in sales. And I first heard about it in a seminar I took. Oh, I was in my early twenties on negotiating techniques. And they taught us, you know, I understand how you feel. Others felt the same way. And here's what they found. It's simple, it's elegant, it's effective. But let's be honest, if you use those exact words too often, it starts to sound scripted. Plus if you use those words with negotiating experts or with sales experts, they're going to just say, you're doing a feel felt found on me. So you don't have to use those same words. The last thing you want in a relationship driven environment like in networking is to sound like a script. So let's talk about why it works and let's talk about some other alternatives. The technique works because it lowers resistance. When people feel heard and understood and not judged, they stop being as defensive and they start listening. So here's the mistake that most people make in conversations. They try to win the argument. But in networking in business and negotiating in sales, you don't want to win by overpowering. You want to win by aligning. Let me, let me restate that. You don't want to win by overpowering. You want to win by, by aligning. This method creates alignment before influence. It says, I'm with you, I, I. And, and now let me, let me walk you somewhere new. Let me share something interesting with you. The real magic happens in changing the word. Sometimes you don't have to say. You don't have to say, I understand how you feel. Others have felt the same way. Here's what they found. You can say it in ways that feel natural and conversational and authentic without using those same words. So instead of saying, I understand how you feel, you can say, I can see where you're coming from. That makes sense. I hear what you're saying. That's a valid concern. Don't say all of those all at once, by the way. Pick any one of those I particularly like. You know, I see where you're coming from. And then instead of saying others have felt the same way, pick from these. You're not alone in that. I worked with others who thought the same thing. A lot. A lot of people I've met felt exactly like that. That comes up more often than you might think. That's a phrase you can use. I also say, you know, I, I had another chapter that was in the exact same situation. That's beautiful. In bni, I know another chapter I Met another chapter. I worked with another chapter that felt the same way. So these are phrases to, to use instead of saying fuel, felt fun. The third, instead of saying here's what they found, you can say, here's what they discovered. That's my favorite approach. Here's what they discovered. What ended up happening was that's another approach. Or. And what they realized over time was. Or. The interesting thing is now it doesn't sound like a technique, it sounds like a conversation, which it is, but it's a conversation that's guiding people based on your expertise and knowledge and you're helping them be a better version of themselves in business. But if you get confrontational, no, don't do it that way. You got to do it this way. Or what are you thinking? That just makes people defensive. But the whole concept of feel felt found or some variation of it, I see where you're coming from. You're not alone in that. Here's what they discovered is incredibly powerful. And when I was managing chapters, Priscilla, I used this technique almost every time I visited a chapter. And I think this is a great technique for leadership teams to use in a chapter. I think this is a great technique for our members. I think it's a great technique for the membership committee to use in chapters. I think it's a great technique for our members to use with their customers or clients. With, you know, BNI members working with their customers or clients is a fantastic technique because it gets people to, to hear and, and it also gets people to think, I'm not alone in this. I'm not the only person that's experienced this. And you're not making it about them. Because if you say, well, you're doing this wrong, you need to do it this way instead. Or, you know, let me correct you on that. Yeah, those are, those are fighting words. So instead, you know, I'm with you. I get it. I know a group that had the same situation and, and you know, what they discovered and what happened and it, it, it draws people in. So let me tie this directly to something I used to do in helping to turn around BI chapters. I'd often hear something like, this chapter just isn't generating enough business. Now, I could argue with them and I could say, no, you're wrong, the system really works. But that just creates the resistance I'm talking about. Instead I, I'd say something like, you know, I hear what you're saying. I can definitely feel that. I can definitely feel that way sometimes, you know, it, it doesn't seem to Be working and you're not alone. I've seen other chapters go through phase, but what they discovered is that when they leaned in deeper into the process, more one to ones, stronger weekly presentations, a better follow up, the referrals didn't just increase, they multiplied. Let me introduce you to a few of the chapter members in some of the groups that were where you are now and have moved to where you want to be now, notice what happened there. I, I didn't dismiss their concern, I validated it, I didn't isolate them, I connected them to others. And I didn't argue, I guided, I coached. That's the difference between reacting and leading. Now I think this matters today more than ever. In a world where people are cons, just constantly being sold to and algorithms are trying to predict behavior, human connection stands out more than ever. In a world where people are constantly being sold to and algorithms are trying to predict behavior, human connection stands out more than ever. And one of the most powerful ways to connect is to make people feel understood before you try to influence them. Because when people feel understood, they become open. When they're open, that's where transformation happens. If you take one thing from today, if you're listening to this and you take one thing from this today and share it with your fellow members, let it be this. You don't have to push people to change their mind, just have to walk with them. Walk with them long enough for them to see that different path. Because the most powerful conversations don't start with persuasion, they start with understanding. And when you master that, you don't just change conversations, you change outcomes. Validation lowers defenses. And when defenses go down, conversations go up. I'll leave you with this, Priscilla, and want to chat for a minute. I'm happy to do it. You don't, you don't persuade by pressure. You persuade by perspective. And the feeling, felt found technique is all about persuading by perspective and not by pressure. What do you think, Priscilla?
- [10:32]
A
I think that's really good. I wish I could remember how you phrased everything because it was excellent.
- [10:40]
B
Well, luckily there's a transcript. So for everyone who wants to share this with their chapter, there's a transcript of this whole thing. And we do the transcript, by the way, so that people can do searches on, on these.
- [10:56]
A
Yeah, right. And it works so well. I used to print them all the time and then when I was the education coordinator so that everyone could use them.
- [11:06]
B
You know, we do these people have asked me why do we do them so short? And we do them short Because I want. I want members to be able to get through. I want. I want, you know, bite sized pieces of. Of usable information, but we also do it. And I. This was in my mind from the very beginning. I wanted education coordinators to be able to go back to a chapter and do what you just described it out, take down some notes, print it out, go to the meeting and talk about the key points that they heard that particularly resonate with the chapter. So what you're describing is exactly what I had in mind when I started doing the podcast decades ago. That's it for me today, Priscilla. Thank you.
- [11:45]
A
Okay. All right. Well, thank you so much. That was a great presentation. This podcast is sponsored by MeisnerAudioPrograms.com these audio programs will provide you with the tools and the inspiration to powerfully enhance your BNI experience. So check out the great material that's available to you@meisneraudioprograms.com and then use the promo code IVAN5O for 50% off of everything. All of the proceeds go to the BNI Foundation. Thank you so much for listening. This is Priscilla Rice, and we look forward to having you join us again next week for another exciting episode of the official BNI podcast.