← The Overwhelmed Brain
The Overwhelmed Brain
Everything is good except the idea of marriage
00:33:08
A woman shares her struggle about getting married, feeling as if she isn't special because her partner has been married in the past. What is making her feel this way? Can this be overcome?
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. Welcome back. If you have heard this show before and if you haven't, welcome to the show. I am your host. Been doing this since 2013 and some people find it interesting, some people don't. And I like to get right to the subject matter. I don't like to waste a lot of time. No fluff, just want to talk about what I want to talk about right now. Somebody wrote to me and said, this is my first time writing to you. I discovered your show in 2021. So as of this recording four years ago when I first started my personal development journey, it has become such an impactful part of my growth. So thank you for that. You are welcome. I want to ask for some advice that I've already asked friends and I'm currently seeking therapy about. I'm in a relationship that's just over a year old. It's a same sex relationship and we're both women. Not sure if that matters, but I don't think I've ever heard about gay people on the show. Let me just address that right now. I have talked about all kinds, everyone. There are a lot of heterosexual relationships that I talk about, but there are those that are gay and some of them are polyamory and some people are trans. And I mean, I talk about everyone and everything and everything is allowed because we're all people now. You know, some of my values, we are all people and we all have the same stuff that we're dealing with. I mean, not all of us, but we have, we have to deal with stuff. We have to deal with the challenges of life. We have to deal with our emotional state. We have to deal with the toxic people in our life that show up sometimes out of the blue. Sometimes they're there since we were born. And so it all kind of happens the same way inside of our heads, inside of our hearts, inside of our lives. And it's true that some people are more marginalized and discriminated against, but not here. So thank you for sharing that. And no, it doesn't matter. But sometimes it does. Sometimes it does matter because of the difficulties of being a certain way. Because some people, they're against that. Some people are against another person being gay or trans or bi or anything. Some people are against that. So I don't judge people who are against it and I don't judge people who are it. I have several people in my family that are sort of all of the above so I'm quite supportive of anybody that you want to be. In fact, if you've listened long enough, which it sounds like this person has, and maybe you're listening right now, have not heard me long enough, or you've been listening for years, I think that you should be yourself, be your authentic self, whatever that means to you. Anyway, now you again, know my values. And that's, that's how I treat others. I treat others the way I want to be treated. And I believe you are just as important, just as lovable and worthy and just as amazing as any other person in your life. Any other person in my life. And we all have varying degrees of how we show up in the world. So let's get to the question again. Or coming back to the question, she goes on to say, I love my girlfriend, we have fun, we have similar world views and we support each other. But our relationship has been struggling due to external pressures like the political climate, her job, and myself being in school. On top of that, I can't get over the fact that. I mean grad school, not high school. I can't get over the fact that she is divorced. It makes me feel less special and it makes the idea of marrying her triggering for me. I don't know what to do because honestly, if it wasn't for that one thing, I don't think there would be a problem. Thank you for sharing that. So you want my thoughts on this? You mentioned a few things, but then you said if it wasn't for that one thing, I don't think there would be a problem. So the other things you said, your relationship has been struggling due to external pressures, political climate or job, and yourself being in school. But on top of that. So there are those other things. On top of that, the fact that she's divorced. And it sounds like maybe you may be a bit younger, because if you're worried about somebody who got a divorce, maybe you're worried about that you aren't important or worthy, or you are less important than the persons that she married, or you don't feel like somebody should be be in another relationship or be married to somebody else because it diminishes who you are to them. And the reason I say that, you might be younger. And if you aren't, I apologize. But this is usually what happens when we're younger. We haven't had enough life experience to realize that divorce can be a wonderful way to get out of a relationship that isn't working. And I'm not saying that I endorse Divorce, that, that is something that you have to decide for yourself if you ever, if you are married. But a divorce is a wonderful thing. Divorce is sometimes the necessary step because you found out that the person you married or even yourself did, isn't the right person for the other person. So if it's yourself, you can say, you know, I married this person and I'm not the right person for them because they're looking for XYZ or I can't get XYZ from them, it's just not working. Or you are having these hellish arguments, you can't stop doing it. So you find out that you are much more peaceful without the other person. So I just want to preface this saying, yes, I endorse marriage and commitment. And I'm not saying you have to be married. I just say I support that stuff. I support a long term committed relationship. I support anything where both people support each other. I support love in the sense that love means supporting the other person's happiness. So if you are with somebody who supports your happiness and they or you are supporting their happiness, then I believe that is a healthy, happy, long lasting relationship or can be. So that's not your question, but I'm making, or I'm putting that out there to maybe help you understand that divorce is a natural part of life. And yes, some people are told you shouldn't get a divorce or it's against God or your religious beliefs or whatever it is. I know some of us that gets drilled into our heads, but when they're not the right person, they're not the right person. So I believe that when a marriage isn't working out and you've tried what you could and they've tried what they could and it just doesn't work, you might have to do it. It is a natural part of life, It's a natural part of relationships. So I say that in order to at least maybe decrease the amount of stigma around divorce, because divorce can have that huge stigma. Oh, you're divorced. Like, it's not what this person's saying, but somebody else might say, oh, you got a divorce. Oh, you got to watch out for that person who gets a divorce because they must not be a good match or that's not it. That's not true. It's just what happens. Sometimes we marry someone and it turns out when we get married, the problems start, something happens and now we have to figure it out. I like to see marriage as amplifying what already is. So if things are going well, they usually get better. And if things are going bad, they usually get worse. And the thing is, you know, when we get married, we are hoping they are the right one that we are going to spend the rest of our lives with. And sometimes that's not true. And so we have to make a decision like, oh crap, now I got married and I feel stuck. I don't see it as getting stuck. It certainly is harder to get a divorce because there are now commitments and attachments and sometimes kids and sometimes houses and sometimes shared businesses and shared expenses or shared bank accounts, all kinds of things that are involved. And so here I share with you my thoughts on divorce. When I got married, I thought, this is it. This is the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and it's never going to end. And it's great. Now I can kind of settle into this and enjoy my life. However, it didn't work out. I was married for like four years. Didn't work out. We were together for eight, married for four and it didn't work out. And it was mostly my fault, I admit. Was all my fault. I'll just take all of the blame because if I was accepting and I loved her in the way I described love to you just a moment ago, then we probably would still be together and everything would be going great. But I didn't. I wasn't supporting her happiness. I was trying to selfishly fulfill my happiness by being controlling and manipulative and just not treating her the way she should have been and she deserved to be treated. So it didn't work out and she took the right steps to leave the relationship. And when I discovered that she did not want to keep trying to work on the relationship, I just initiated the divorce because I thought that was the right thing to do, even though it was painful. So let me get to your question. Oh, and by the way, that was the right choice. It was the right choice for her. It was the right choice for me because it made me finally reflect and look at myself and realize that marriage is only long lasting when you are both supporting each other's decisions, the decisions that make them happy, the path they want to take to fulfill their life, to follow their passions or whatever that is supporting someone else's happiness. So marriage doesn't always work out. Sometimes you have to get a divorce. Sometimes that is the best thing to do and sometimes it changes your life for the better. So let's remove the stigma from divorce and that's going to rub some people the wrong way. Again, I'm not saying go get a divorce. If you want a divorce, I think you should work on it. I think you should work on what the problem is until you're exhausted and you realize it's not working or it won't work, and then you have to take the next step. So if you disagree with that and you believe that you should stay married no matter what, I won't argue with you. I support you believing in that. But. Well, I may argue with you if the other person's abusive. So if there is an abusive relationship and that person wants to get a divorce but they're not allowed to, I have a problem with that. But I will not trounce on your values about marriage and divorce. If you're listening and you had different thoughts about that, that's absolutely, you have your right to that opinion. So let me come back to address what this person's really saying, which is I have to kind of do some mind reading here because you said I cannot get over the fact that she's divorced. You didn't tell me why. You did say it makes you feel less special and it makes the idea of marriage to her triggering for you. That that's kind of a why. But why does it make you feel less special? So I have to guess and good thing I have a lot of references because I've worked with a lot of people over the years and my references are those couples who, when the other person got into a committed relationship or and this is again referencing, if you're young, what ends up happening is, oh, you've been with somebody else. Now I feel these feelings that I am not this special one because you didn't choose me first or we didn't meet first. And that brings up the fear of not feeling worthy and important to a person because the other person took that role. I mean, that's the thought process. In some people. If they don't feel special because that person was with another person or married another person first, then insecurities come up for some people. And so my assumption is that your insecurity about not being first or not being the one not being that special person that was in their life and now since they've been married, they have wasted all their special person credits and there are none left for you because now that they've had a special person in their life, there's not enough of them feeling like you're special. So you're going to enter this, maybe enter a marriage where you feel like you are not going to be treated as well or not going to be seen as wonderful as the first person. Again, I'm making assumptions here, but this is what happens if we have feelings of low self worth, feelings of a fear of abandonment, a fear of rejection. Very typical dysfunctions, sorry to call them that, but they are because you're not fully functional. When you have fears that are guiding you or dictating your decisions or making you feel, like you said, the idea of marriage is triggering to you. So those are insecurities that are popping up for you and you might have some internal. Well, you probably do have some internal program in you that says if I'm not first or if I'm not the first person you've married, if I'm not the first person that you've been in a long term committed relationship with, then I'm not special enough. October 10th was World Mental Health Day. And this year we're saying thank you to therapists. I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to therapists all over the world. When I went through depression after a really bad time in my life, therapy helped me get through it. Having someone to talk to who knew how to guide me through what I was experiencing made all the difference. And Today's sponsor is BetterHelp and BetterHelp therapists have helped over 5 million people on their mental health journeys. That's millions of stories and millions of journeys. And behind every one is a therapist who showed up and they help someone take a step forward. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists who work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed with over 12 years of experience. And all you have to do is fill out a short questionnaire and they match you up with the right therapist to almost every time. Like the first time they match you up, it's probably going to be the right one. But the good news is you can change therapists at any time, so they make it easy. So for World Mental Health Day and month, we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Get 10% off your first month over@betterhelp.com brain that's BetterHelp. H E L P.com brain and so your friends are going to say, of course you're special, of course you're wonderful. But I don't want to tell you that. Oh, it's true. I agree with your friends, but I don't want to tell you that I don't want to tell you something you've already heard. What I want to tell you. I want to give you a reframe. A reframe is another way to look at it. And if you look at it differently, because right now you're looking at it a certain way and you know, I kind of know how you feel if. If my assumption of how you feel is correct. Because when I was young, if my partner was with somebody, and I'm talking about almost a teenager, if my partner was with somebody before me, oh boy, that sucked. I was jealous, I was insecure and I hated it. I didn't want to even visualize it. And that was part of the problem, is that I visualize my partner with another person. Why would I waste my time doing that? Why do we waste our time visualizing our partner with another person? Unless there was an infidelity, and that is typical. That's what happens if there's infidelity. We visualize them with the other person. We can't get it out of our minds so we continue to obsess about it. And that makes sense. I mean, that's part of what happens in a betrayal like that. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the insecurity that came up for me when I was a teenager. And visualizing her was making me crazy. But I was making me crazy. I was making her feel bad for having been with someone else or multiple people making her feel bad for having been with other people. Because if they were with other people, then what does that make me? Less special? And if they were with other people, then that means maybe all these other people were really good, you know, really good sexually, really good relationships. But they all failed in some, you know, for some reason. And now she's stuck with me. I get that. I felt that before. So here's how I want you to look at it. And this is the way I started seeing it, is first of all, this person that is with you, out of anybody else in the world, she is with you and choosing you day after day after day. And the idea of marriage coming up after she's already been married and probably burnt, sometimes you'll get married and get burnt and that person is not who they said they were or they changed and you did not expect those changes. And you thought this was going to be the one and they turn out to be a jack hole. They turn out to be not the person that you married. And so you get your divorce and you move on and you hope that never happens. Again. And then you meet someone special like you and you say, wow, I didn't think I could enjoy life as much with someone else because that marriage really jaded me. It poisoned my thoughts about being in a long term relationship. I may not even have thought about getting married again because it was so bad. But this person I'm with is so damn special to me. I just love her so much. I can't imagine being without her. I want her in my life for the rest of my life. For the rest of our lives together. That is. That's mind blowing. When somebody decides that they want to be with you and only you and be in a relationship with you for the rest of your lives together, that blows my mind. What if they were married three times before Paul? I mean, that's the question, right? What if they were married all those times? That tells me that they haven't found the right one yet. That tells me that they're still looking. It also tells me they've had a lot of experience with marriage and they realize that if it's not working, that I need to exit this marriage. Now, three times is excessive. Sure, you're telling me about one time, but how old is somebody who gets married three times? They're typically a lot older. I'm not saying everyone, but typically. I mean, there are celebrities that have gotten married eight times. There are so many times where they tried to get into a relationship and it didn't work and they tried again and it didn't work. And some people believe marriage is the way to go. Like if you meet someone and you're committed and you want to live together, you got to get married. So some people believe that too. So I don't hold it against anyone who's gotten married many times. Sometimes it's just not the right person and you don't realize it until enough time has passed. Because sometimes you meet someone and they are wonderful the first few months and then it turns out this isn't the right person for me. Or they're hurtful, abusive, they're just hard to be around. Or you found that they were a different political persuasion or they're racist or homophobic or whatever. You just find things out about people and so you realize that this person isn't right for me. I have to protect myself. And then when you get a divorce, it's painful, it's hard. You realize how much time and energy and emotion that you invested into a marriage that didn't work. You tried and tried and it didn't work. And so you get out of that marriage. And some people will say, I'm never getting married again. I had a good friend that said that I'm never getting married again. He said, I will never. It's too much hassle and it was a nightmare. So he said, I'm not getting married. And then someone came along that felt so good to him and was committed to him and just loved his happiness, loved seeing him happy, supported that. And he eventually got married and I think he's still married today. I haven't talked to him in a while, but I think he's in the happiest relationship of his life because he found the right one. Sometimes the first person isn't the right one and we don't know it until we meet the right one and we realize, oh, this is what it's supposed to be like. This is what marriage is supposed to feel like. It's supposed to feel good or a long term relationship. This is what it's supposed to feel like. Wow, I want more of this in my life. I want to spend every single day with this person for the rest of my life. That is, again, mind blowing. It's so special when somebody feels like that for you. So there's my first reframe for you to see that she could spend her time with anyone in the world every day, but she chooses to spend it with you. That is an honor. That's how I see it. It's an honor that, that my wife wants to spend any time with me at all. It's true. I feel honored. I feel grateful. I'm so grateful because I know she could have the pick of the litter. I know that she could find someone else and it probably wouldn't take her long. I think that she is a catch. And the fact that she does not want to go be someone else's catch, she makes me feel special. And that's how I want you to see this. This is my second way to look at it. My second perspective is that because she was married and divorced, that is why you're special. That is why you are so important to her, is that she's already found out what special isn't. She's already figured that out and she realized, wow, I don't want that again. And the person I'm with is not that. Thank God. Thank God that that person, the person that I was married to, is out of my life. And the person that I'm with today is in my life. And again, you see it as the person that you're with could spend her time with anyone in the world right now and she's with you. That's what she wants. So that's another way to look at it. And I'm not just saying this. I believe it 100%. I feel this on a daily basis. Sometimes I do miss a day. But for the most part, this is how I see my wife. I'm so grateful to be with her. I wanted to be with her all day. Even like today, I wanted to be with her all day. And we had to work outside and I had to do a lot of heavy labor. I wanted to be with her because even working hard together is still being together. And I just enjoyed the day, even though I'm a little stiff right now, it's hard to walk. But we worked hard in the yard, and it was wonderful. So I have those perspectives in my own relationship. And I want to give you one final perspective. And that is, would you rather be the first marriage that didn't work out or the second marriage that was the right choice? The choice that made her feel like she finally found the right one? Because unless you tell me that she said, I got married before, it's no big deal. And getting married again is going to be the same, probably less exciting, which I guarantee you. She's not saying that. I guarantee it. And if she is, you're in the wrong relationship. But from what I'm gathering, this relationship would be amazing if you got comfortable with the idea of marriage. Not that I say you have to get married. In fact, you've only been together a year. A year is not that long. I mean, it's long enough, but it's not that long. Maybe two years, maybe a year and a half. I mean, who says you have to do it right now? Maybe you can talk about it and plan for it, or don't talk about it and someday ask her. The point is to be the person they choose after having a bad experience or a bad marriage and not being the first person that they didn't want to be with. That means who you are and how you show up and how you make them feel was enough to make them consider marriage again. Like, they may have been turned off by marriage after getting that divorce, but for you to show up and make them think, wow, I could actually marry this person that makes you the most special person in their life. I hope I have given you something to think about, something to chew on. And I wish you the best with this because it sounds like a great relationship. And you just need to work through some stuff. And if you are not so young and you've just been carrying these insecurities around with you. Or even if you are young, but if you're not so young or if you are young and you've been carrying these insecurities around with you, I want you to work on those. I have episodes on the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection, not feeling important and all that. Go to TheOverwhelmedBrain.com and look for those search terms. You can type in the word insecurity. You can type in the word even, like divorce or marriage or special or something like that. Fear of abandonment is a good one. Like abandon and rejection. Those are going to help you with some of the insecurities that you might have if you still have those after listening. And you know this isn't the Cure all episode, but you can listen to those and they might be helpful as well. And I wish you the best. You're gonna get through this and you're gonna get past these fears or insecurities that you are carrying around with you because you're gonna realize how darn special it feels to be someone's only choice to spend the rest of your life with. Especially when they have had a bad experience being married and now they're considering it again. You've got something. You've got something in order to pull them from that space that they may have been in. So I hope this helps. Thank you for writing that. Thank you for sharing. This going to do great. You're going to be fine. You're going to get through this. I wish you the best. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank Brad and Ashley and Way and Crystal and angel for their support, their financial support for being in the Patron program or sending me money. And that's what they're doing. They send me money every month. And I'm just grateful, grateful for anyone who supports the show. And anyone who supports listens. You don't have to send money. You can just listen. And that's how you support it. Because, you know, sometimes a sponsor is on and the more listeners you have, the higher the amount the sponsor will pay sometimes. And so that works out too. But definitely the patrons and the people who donate are absolutely essential to the continuing operation of this show. Because without them, it changes things. It changes, I guess, how much money I have to pull out of my own pocket to keep going. And I'm going to continue doing it no matter what. So when somebody values the show and gives back, that warms my heart. Thank you so much for giving back because you value what you hear on the show. And if you want to give back like these patrons do, head over to MoreToB.com and there are ways to do that over there. Thank you again. And if you want a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and abuse over@loveandabuse.com and we'll go over all kinds of stuff about manipulation, emotional abuse and control and just the general difficulties that might be plaguing a relationship that you're in. And I gave you all kinds of helpful information over there. That's over@loveandabuse.com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and you are causing all these problems, then and you want to change that about yourself, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over@HealedBeing.com and with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing. Sam La.