The Overwhelmed Brain

Episode: Everything is good except the idea of marriage
Host: Paul Colaianni
Date: October 26, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Paul addresses a heartfelt listener question about feeling insecure in a relationship where everything feels right—except for the idea of marriage. The listener’s concern stems from her girlfriend being divorced, triggering feelings of being “less special” and leading to discomfort around the idea of marrying her. Paul explores the emotional root of this issue, reframes the perception of divorce, and offers practical, compassionate advice on handling insecurities and building a deeply fulfilling bond.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Inclusivity and Relationship Dynamics (00:00–05:00)

• Paul affirms that his advice is for everyone regardless of sexual orientation or relationship structure.

  • Notable quote:

    "I talk about everyone and everything and everything is allowed because we're all people... We all have the same stuff that we're dealing with."
    — Paul (01:55)

• He recognizes the unique societal challenges faced by marginalized identities but insists on universal respect and validation:

  • Emphasizes that the show is a supportive, nonjudgmental space—"I believe you are just as important, just as lovable and worthy and just as amazing as any other person in your life." (03:04)

2. The Letter: Love, But Struggling with the Past (05:00–09:30)

• The listener’s situation:

  • In a year-long same-sex relationship.
  • Feels triggered by her partner's divorce, making marriage feel fraught despite an otherwise strong bond.
  • Also notes external pressures (politics, jobs, school), but the major emotional block is “the fact that she is divorced.”

• Paul empathizes and begins to dissect the core issue:

  • Suggests the feeling may indicate younger age or inexperience, though apologizes if incorrect.
  • Explains that divorce is often stigmatized, but it can actually be a “wonderful way to get out of a relationship that isn’t working.” (08:55)

3. Reframing Divorce and Marriage (09:30–18:00)

• Paul offers a perspective shift on divorce:

  • Marriage amplifies what already exists; a bad marriage can get worse, a good one better.
  • Divorce isn’t a moral failure; it’s sometimes necessary for individual growth and happiness.
  • Shares his personal story of divorce and self-reflection:

    “It was mostly my fault, I admit… I was trying to selfishly fulfill my happiness by being controlling and manipulative and just not treating her the way she should have been… So it didn’t work out, and she took the right steps to leave.”
    — Paul (12:47)

• On releasing the stigma:

  • "Let's remove the stigma from divorce... sometimes it changes your life for the better." (15:10)

• Stresses that support for marriage and for divorce aren’t mutually exclusive; what matters is support for personal happiness and mutual respect.

4. The Root of Insecurity: 'I Can't Get Over She's Divorced' (18:00–24:35)

• Paul analyzes why being “second” can feel painful:

  • This can stem from fears of not feeling worthy, important, or irreplaceable—common emotional threads tied to low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, or rejection.
  • These feelings can be particularly acute if one hasn’t had much life experience or hasn’t worked through these wounds.

• Notable quote:

  “If they don't feel special because that person was with another person... insecurities come up for some people. My assumption is your insecurity about not being first... brings up the fear of not feeling worthy and important.”
  — Paul (20:18)

• He distinguishes these from issues like betrayal or infidelity, focusing on natural feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that can arise even in the absence of such events.

5. A Personal Story and Emotional Reframing (24:35–32:35)

• Paul relays his own youthful struggles with partners’ past relationships:

  • Admits to jealousy, insecurity, and obsessive thinking about a partner’s history, and how this fed self-doubt.

• Offers a direct reframe:

  • The “specialness” isn’t negated by their past; rather, the fact that she chooses you now, after all she’s experienced, makes the relationship uniquely valuable.

    “This person that is with you, out of anybody else in the world, she is with you and choosing you day after day after day… That blows my mind.”
    — Paul (27:15)

• Highlights that experience can make a current partner more sure, not less:

  • “Because she was married and divorced, that is why you’re special. That is why you are so important to her, is that she’s already found out what special isn’t.” (29:58)

6. Would You Rather Be the First or the Right One? (32:35–37:00)

• Final perspective:

  • "Would you rather be the first marriage that didn't work out, or the second marriage that was the right choice?" (33:30)
  • Emphasizes the honor of being the partner someone chooses after learning and growth.

• Encourages patience—there’s no pressure to rush into marriage. Use the time to process, communicate, and enjoy the relationship.

7. Support, Insecurity Work, and Resources (37:00–End)

• Paul recommends further exploration:
  • Visit TheOverwhelmedBrain.com for episodes on abandonment, rejection, and insecurity.
  • “You’re gonna get through this and you’re gonna get past these fears or insecurities that you are carrying around with you because you’re gonna realize how darn special it feels to be someone’s only choice to spend the rest of your life with.” (39:41)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Divorce can be a wonderful way to get out of a relationship that isn’t working.” (Paul, 08:55)
• “Marriage is only long-lasting when you are both supporting each other’s decisions… the decisions that make them happy, the path they want to take to fulfill their life.” (Paul, 13:25)
• “The person you’re with could spend her time with anyone in the world right now and she’s with you. That’s what she wants.” (Paul, 29:33)
• “Would you rather be the person they choose after a bad experience, or the first one that didn’t work out?” (Paul, 33:30)
• “You just need to work through some stuff… You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna get through this.” (Paul, 41:25)

Episode Timestamps for Key Segments

• Inclusivity & Universality of Struggles: 01:55–03:30
• Listener’s Dilemma: 05:00–09:30
• Reframing Divorce: 09:30–18:00
• Root of Insecurities: 18:00–24:35
• Personal Story & Visualizing the Past: 24:35–27:15
• Honoring the Choice & Why You’re Special: 27:15–32:35
• First vs. Right Choice in Marriage: 32:35–37:00
• Path Forward & Resource Suggestions: 37:00–End

Tone and Language

• Paul’s delivery is direct, supportive, and deeply empathetic, mixing personal stories with actionable advice.
• The episode maintains a warm, conversational feel, interspersed with moments of honesty and even self-deprecation ("That was mostly my fault, I admit…").
• Throughout, listeners are affirmed in their feelings but gently challenged to explore what's beneath the surface and try new, empowering perspectives.

Takeaway

This episode is a must-listen for anyone struggling with insecurities about a partner’s past, especially in the context of commitment or marriage. Paul masterfully normalizes divorce, reframes the idea of being “second,” and offers concrete, loving strategies for building self-worth and stronger bonds.