Podcast Summary: The Overwhelmed Brain

Host: Paul Colaianni, Relationship and Emotional Abuse Expert
Episode: His ex is unsafe for our relationship
Date: December 21, 2025

Overview

This episode centers on a listener’s inquiry about handling disputes within an intimate relationship, specifically involving a partner’s continued connection to an ex who the current partner finds unsafe and boundary-crossing. While relationships and boundaries are a frequently covered topic on the show, Paul uses this scenario to dig into the deeper issues of trust, insecurity, personal sovereignty, and the subtle patterns that can undermine or protect emotional wellness in close relationships.

Paul’s emphasis is on moving beyond surface-level solutions or “common-sense” approaches, instead challenging listeners to examine their trust, personal growth, and the indirect consequences of controlling behavior.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: The Listener’s Dilemma

• [01:16] Listener shares her background: Started with a polyamorous relationship, now monogamous.
• Her partner’s ongoing attempt to remain friends with his ex, who is "not over him," has led to discomfort after the ex crossed boundaries and sent the listener direct messages.
• After some boundary-setting, the ex attempted to reconnect after a family tragedy, leading to the listener expressing:

  "Having her in our lives makes me feel unsafe. He allows her to break boundaries and has their entire relationship.”

• The partner agreed to avoid meeting the ex for now but felt resentment because he couldn’t make the choice on his own terms.

2. Paul’s Process: Trust vs. Control

• [06:20] Paul reframes the central issue as one of trust rather than the specifics of friendship with exes:

  “It’s about trust. You either trust the person that you’re with or you don’t.”

• He reflects on his own past relationships, stating that loyalty must be the foundation—otherwise, old wounds or insecurities will always find “new actors” to manifest through future situations.

3. The Sovereign Partner & Resentment Dynamic

• [14:40] Explains why it’s critical that individuals feel free to make their own decisions:

  “If I make a decision that you want, that I haven’t come to a conclusion about myself, I will build resentment towards you.”

• Paul warns against even subtly “guiding” a partner’s choices, as planting the smallest seed of resentment can grow, leading to secrecy or further disconnection.

4. Deconstructing Insecurity and Jealousy

• [25:20] Paul urges the listener to introspect: Is the discomfort about time or emotional attention, or rooted in a broader trust issue?
• Asks at the root, would the objection exist if the friend was not an ex or not female?
• Stresses:

  “Whatever it is inside of you, it is inside of you. … You do have an issue with this that you need to address in yourself.”

5. Healthy Boundaries and Relationship Foundations

• [29:10] Not all issues are the “problem of one person." Partners share responsibility for relationship health.
• Establishing and nurturing trust is foundational:

  “The foundation has to be solid first. Foundation is also you. You are the foundation of a two-person relationship.”

• Paul delineates that working on your own emotional health is what enables you to “bring the best version of yourself into the relationship.”

6. Trust as an Attractive Quality

• [34:15] Explains the paradox: The more restrictive or insecure we are, the less attractive we become to our partner.

  “People don’t like feeling controlled. … [When] I started to let it go… I had to start learning to trust that they would make the right decision… When you’re with somebody who wants you deep down, they’ll want to keep that relationship and not screw it up.”

7. Warning of Unintended Consequences

• [38:40] Highlights how fears can foster the very outcomes they’re intended to avoid:

  “What we fear, that we push onto others, will often bring the outcome that we fear happening.”

• Cites the example of emotional abusers whose controlling behaviors can push partners away.

8. Concrete Guidance and Final Thoughts

• If the partner’s time, energy, and focus become overly absorbed by someone else, impacting the intimacy and quality of the relationship, it becomes a concrete relationship issue—not just an “insecurity” to work through.
• [44:45] If discomfort would not arise with a platonic male friend, the issue is rooted in trust specific to romantic or sexual competition—something to work on internally or clarify within the relationship.
• Paul’s closing advice:

  “If you can’t build trust with him, then the relationship may not have the strong foundation that you need.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On trusting others:

  “A loyal, trusting person will not pursue someone who is pursuing them, unless they’re ready to break it off… If they’re a liar or ready to betray, then they’re not a trusting person.” (13:30)

• On supporting a partner’s freedom:

  “If you have a trustworthy partner… even if there’s something super compelling that you know will be a temptation for them, the trust always wins.” (32:10)

• On the dangers of control:

  “Even the most neutral or least negative comment… Even the tiniest seed you plant… all these gears turn that create an outcome that you were trying to avoid in the first place.” (39:00)

• On self-work and relationship health:

  “Bring the best, most healthy version of yourself… that’s how you create the life you want.” (47:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – 05:30: Show intro, context for “dispute resolution” questions, listener letter read
• 05:31 – 14:30: Framing the issue as a matter of trust vs. control; Paul’s personal experience
• 14:31 – 25:00: The dynamics of resentment; why sovereignty in decision-making matters
• 25:01 – 32:00: Insecurity, jealousy, and self-responsibility in addressing discomfort
• 32:01 – 38:30: Foundations of mutual trust and its effects on attraction
• 38:31 – 44:00: The risk of manifesting feared outcomes through controlling behavior
• 44:01 – 52:00: Final guidance, cautions, and closing deep dive on the scenario

Key Takeaways

• Trust is foundational to all relationships; controlling a partner's choices undermines both trust and attraction, and can lead to resentment or secrecy.
• Self-reflection is essential. Before blaming a partner or demanding boundaries with others, examine whether your insecurity is situational or systemic.
• Resisting control promotes connection. Encouraging and trusting your partner—provided they are trustworthy—increases intimacy and makes you more attractive, emotionally and relationally.
• Address real issues, not imagined ones. If a partner's connection to someone else genuinely erodes your quality time or emotional safety, have open discussions about those concrete impacts instead of defaulting to demands.
• A healthy relationship is built by two people, each responsible for managing their own insecurities and showing up with trust and honesty.

This episode offers a nuanced look at romantic boundaries, jealousy, and the subtle hazards of letting fear dictate relationship dynamics. Paul’s advice is practical, nonjudgmental, and geared toward fostering trust and personal growth for both partners.