← The Overwhelmed Brain
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These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. Welcome to the show. Thank you for tuning in to another episode. I'm going to. Well, first of all, if you've never listened to me before, I'm going to give you a brief explanation about what this show is about. I don't think I've done this maybe in the last 12 years I've been doing this show and actually explain what this show is about. The thing is, I've talked about just about everything except how to make money. I talk about emotional intelligence, relationships, toxic communication, and basically navigating the difficulties of life. That is what this show is about. It is also about making decisions that are right for you. So I don't like to, I was going to say never, but I don't like to come on the air and say this is the decision that you need to make. I rarely do that. So every time you hear me talking about something, that doesn't mean you should go out and do it, it just means you should consider it. It just gives you another option to consider to have on your clipboard where you can go, check, check, check. Oh, what's this? What's this suggestion? Should I do that? Should I not? And I usually have a personal story relating to the suggestion that I'm attempting to give you or sharing with you. And that personal story is the result of that suggestion or just a thought that's going through my mind to help somebody through a challenge that they're going through or how to deal with something that may be a little mysterious or confusing to them because they don't know how to deal with it. For example, your relative says, oh, you still haven't gotten a job yet, huh? It sounds passive aggressive. But is it, Is what they're saying a slight against you? Could be. It could very well be a slight against you and it depends on your past with them. But what we need to do, and here I am giving you a suggestion. I think what we need to do when we hear them talk like that and we think it might be passive aggressive or active aggressive, is not interpret and not assume what they mean, even if you have a long history with them. So if the conversation or it started like that and the conversation continued in a way that put you down, made you feel bad, made you feel guilty, it was like their purpose to do so. I am a full proponent and I would rather say the following. I'm a full proponent of, of clarifying what they mean. I'm a full proponent of putting them on the spot and asking why they asked the question in so many words. So let's just say that somebody you know, a relative or a friend or not so much of a friend, somebody that you have a history with, says something like, oh, you still haven't gotten a job yet, huh? Or something along those lines. Whatever's going on in your life, you could say, well, and you put your hand on the back of your neck and you're trying to figure out the best way to answer this. So it avoids conflict. And you know, the road it will normally go down is very toxic, so you're trying to avoid that road. So all this, all these gears are going on or turning in your head and you just don't want to go there. But you know you have to because now you're in a conversation and it never goes well. But you're going to try to deal with it and tackle it this time. But it's probably going to be the same way you tackle it and deal with it every time, which is probably going to put you in the same place it always puts you. And then you walk away from the conversation feeling bad or guilty in some way or responsible for something that you shouldn't feel responsible for and you shouldn't feel that way. I don't think other people should put you in that place. But sometimes we put ourselves in a place like that. So when somebody says something that sounds harsh or passive aggressive or something that you know will lead into a conversation that you don't want to have, get clarity. And I've talked about this recently, but get clarity in the sense that you ask a question. Sort of like, you know, let's just go through a scenario and I'll give you the question. Hey, you, you still haven't gotten a job yet. That's terrible acting, but I'll leave it in there. Hey, you haven't gotten a job yet, huh? Something like that. You could respond with A, nope. Or B, what do you mean? Or C, why do you ask? Those are very direct and put the other person on the spot. Because. No, with nothing else following. Because they want you to follow it up with something. They want you to say, well, no, because my car is still in the shop. I still haven't purchased a car and I can't purchase a car because I don't have a job. And I mean, they want you to bury yourself in your own hole that you dig. That is a lot easier for them to do. I mean, people like this, not everyone does this, of course, but people like, you know, the type of people who like you to bury yourself in the hole that you create for yourself that they initiated the action upon or for. In other words, they are going to start you down your own downward spiral. And so when you have somebody in your life that wants to start you down your own downward spiral, that is a person that you probably should have different responses for. Still haven't gotten a job yet, huh? Nope. What are they going to say? They're going to have to dig further into their own questioning techniques or manipulation tactics or emotionally abusive ways and come up with something more that reveals more about their reason for asking or saying whatever they're saying. So you say, nope. And then they say, well, why not? You know, they're going to put you on the spot. They're trying to change the spotlight or put it back onto you so that they're not in the spotlight. Because normally manipulative, aggressive people don't like to be in the spotlight. They like to turn it back on you and make you the star. They want to make you the star of this show that they are trying to create. And so you say, nope. And then they say something like, well, why not? Trying to put you on the spot again. And how do you respond to that? That means they want you to explain what you've done, what you're doing, but you don't have to. All you have to say is, I have my reasons. They want to know your reasons so they can pick them apart. They want to put you down. They want to keep you in a powerless state. So instead of saying no because of this and that, don't go to. Because they will have to force that out of you. Hopefully they won't. But that's your goal, is to keep them struggling for the words, for the method to put you down and take your power away. So, nope. And then they say, why not? And then you say, I have my reasons. Notice the confidence in my voice. I have my reasons. That's all you need. And then they might ask, well, what reasons are they? I know this can go on and on and on because they're still trying to dominate you or control you or keep their power over you or make you feel bad or whatever their purpose is. And so they may ask what your reasons are. What can you answer? You can say, well, they're personal to me. And again, this could go on and on and on. But the goal is to not feel insecure about your answers, feel secure in yourself with your answers. With people like this so that they don't put you in the place they want you to be. You don't want to be in their place, you want to be in your place. And in order to be in your place, you want to feel confident and secure in yourself. When you are replying to people like this doesn't mean it's always going to work. But the more confident you show up, the less likely they're able to take your power away. Your power is your ability to make choices, to follow the path that you want to follow, to feel the way you want to feel without somebody else coercing or, or manipulating you in a way that makes you feel like they want you to feel. And that is a very powerless place. When you are around a toxic person and they want you to feel a certain way, they're very good at it. And when toxic people have power over you, you can be very good at submitting, you can be very good at cowering in a way. And I don't mean to say that you're a coward or anything like that. I mean that we can be put in our place by people who are so adept at putting us in the place they want. And the goal is to keep our power. And I know this can be difficult with certain people. They can be relentless and we can't do anything that changes the dynamic between us because they're always that way. And they're going to dig deeper and deeper until they finally crush us. And so the first answer I gave was nope. And so let's go to the second answer. Person says, so you still haven't gotten a job yet, huh? Again, if your history is that you're always feeling bad or guilty or responsible for things that you're not really responsible for, or just down after you talk with them, they make you feel bad in some way, shape or form, and you don't like the conversation or any conversation that you ever have with them, then the goal is to not feel that way. The goal is to walk away feeling a little bit, maybe not empowered, but keeping the power that you have, keeping the power that you felt before you talked with them again, keeping your power so that you can move securely and feel good about yourself through life, through the world, so that they don't control you. I mean, this is what happens. We can make decisions based on what other people are going to say. So we might make decisions based on fear. Those are fear based decisions that we're making because we're so afraid of what somebody else is going to say or think. And if we don't want to deal with what they're going to say or think. We might make decisions that don't really serve us, but really serve them. And I'm not about that. I really think. I mean, unless you're 12, I'm sorry, you do have some time that you kind of have to go through your upbringing and see where you end up. But when you get to that point, when you are off on your own and you're living by yourself, or you get into a relationship and you're living with them, you have your own job, you have your own car, or wherever life takes you, there's a point where you are going to be making decisions for yourself and hopefully not based on any dysfunction or trauma that you experienced in childhood. Never works that way. I mean, it didn't work that way for me. And most people that listen to this show, they might have experienced something in their past that made them make a decision or caused them to think differently or have different values or different beliefs that made them make decisions that aren't right for them. That maybe we're based on fear, and when we make decisions based on fear, we're not going to be making the right decisions for us. That's my belief. Doesn't mean it has to be yours. And I'm not saying that every decision falls into this category. Sometimes a decision based on fear saves your life. But I'm talking about normal, everyday decisions. Like, if I'm afraid to make this decision, am I going to lose my life? Or is it just going to lead to a possibility that I don't prefer? But the other side of it is that I might actually feel empowered or feel like I've progressed somewhere, feel like I've succeeded in something very similar to when I had to deal with my stepfather when he was alive. He showed up at my mom's house. I've told this story a thousand times. He showed up at my mom's house one day, and I had to make a decision in that moment. I didn't want to let him in. If you don't know the story, my stepfather was an alcoholic, an abuser, and he hurt my mom several times. My mom was super resilient and tolerant, and I'm glad she survived all that. I never wanted her to go through that. But she finally got the divorce that went through, and he was gone, out of her life. And then he just shows up at the door. And I've always been afraid of him, but not like always walking around in fear. But I never wanted to be hurt by him. So I made sure that I was the ultimate people pleaser around him. That was a dysfunctional quality that I gained from childhood, but that's what I learned to be around him. And so that was me my whole life. I'm just going to keep the peace. I'm just going to keep the balance and make sure I don't incite his bad behavior. And especially when he gets drunk, I'm going to be even more kind and friendly. And, you know, I'm giving away my power to somebody who doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to have power over me. He needs to go away and drink it off or whatever. You know, at the time, I'd never thought like that. At the time, it was always, he has power over me. There's nothing I can do about it. So he shows up one day after I'd learned a lot about myself, even after I started this show. So the stuff I'm teaching about personal boundaries and making decisions that are right for you, this is all rolling around in my head as I see him after. I haven't seen him for years, and suddenly I see him. And I had been healing and practicing all of this stuff and even teaching it on this show, in my blog, in my courses, then I have the opportunity. I really believe that when you feel like you're healing, your emotional healing especially, has reached another level, and you have declared to God or the universe or whatever's out there that this is the way you want to live from this point on, and nobody should take you off that path. And if they try to, it's okay to stand up for yourself and say no. That's not what I want to do. Not in a harsh or mean way. Just say no, that's not my path. This is my path. And so I got to that point again, you know, talking about it on this show and talking about how this is what I practice and I practice what I preach, and then the universe sends me this challenge, and the challenge is somebody that I never wanted to face again. And that was the most toxic person in my life at the time and probably still is and will always be. But he's gone now, so it's all. It's not there anymore. And he shows up, and that's my moment of decision. Do I make a decision based on what I'm afraid of happening, or do I make a decision based on who I want to be? That was my choice in that moment. Again, am I going to practice what I preach, or am I going to sink back into the people pleasing person that I've always been around him. Because if I do that, what am I going to talk about on my show next week? That my stepfather showed up and I sunk back into that powerless place and I let him do what he wanted to do. Boy, that just felt like crap inside of me. I did not want to feel that again. I did not want to talk. I didn't want to admit it on the air that that's what I was going to do. So you are sort of my accountability there. But it was. I need to practice what I preach. I need to walk. My talk, I talk about personal boundaries. This is my opportunity to test those boundaries. Really, Paul, are you in integrity? That was the question that also rolled in my mind. And this is all happening in nanoseconds. Are you a person of integrity? The person who talks about personal boundaries? The person who says it's okay to stand up for yourself as long as it's not dangerous. And that rolled through my mind as well. Like if I stand up for myself, this could be dangerous. He could throw a swing at me. And so I'm looking down at him because I'm 64 and he's like 5 4, he's about a foot shorter than me and he's about 60 something and I'm fresh into my 40s at the time and I thought, wow, if he does throw a swing at me, I could probably just take a step back and avoid it. Again, nanoseconds, all this stuff is going through my head as it happens. And my choice, again, I'll just wrap this up because those who have heard it, like they know where this is going. My choice at the time was do I say, sorry, you can't come in, or do I say, oh, hi, yeah, come on in. Do I keep my power and tell him, sorry, you're not allowed in here, or do I give away my power and be the person I always was around him? Do I make my decision based on the fear of what will happen? Or do I make my decision based on what I want to happen and who I want to be and who I want to continue being from this point on? Because this moment will define my life. And sure as hell did. That moment defined my life because I got to test the boundaries that I so religiously talked about all the time on my show with clients. I just had the opportunity. The challenge came. And so the nanoseconds flew by and I told myself, okay, the worst case scenario is he throws a punch at me and I get hit. So what? This is worth it. That's what I told myself. This is worth it. Me standing up for myself, me standing in integrity, me walking my talk, feeling full congruence with my words and my behaviors, allowing that alignment to take place, like who I am is who I'm going to be whether he's in my life or not. And this is my opportunity to prove that to myself. And so I said, I'm sorry, you're not welcome here. And then I waited for the violent response, the violent reaction. And it didn't come, didn't happen. So all this time I've been afraid that he would throw a punch or be angry or whatever. And all he did was shrug his shoulders and walk away. He said, oh, okay. It threw me for a loop. I had no idea that that was the response. Because in my mind, and this is what happens, we make up the response so that we don't have to maybe honor ourselves or be in integrity or say what we want to say. The shorter days of fall don't have to be so dismal. Connecting with others helps tremendously. My wife and I have even started meeting a group of like minded people every Sunday close to where we live, which has lightened up those recent short days where the sun goes down earlier every day. This November, our sponsor, BetterHelp, is encouraging you to reach out, check in on friends, reconnect with loved ones and remind the people in your life that you're there. And just as it can take a little courage to send that message or grab coffee with someone that you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy can feel difficult too. But it's worth it. We're healthier with community and with support. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so that you can focus on your therapy goals. If you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, Having served over 5 million people globally this month. Don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. As a listener to this show, you get 10% off your first month when you go to betterhelp.com brain. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com brain. And in that moment I said what I wanted to say and I really believed that what I made up, what I believed would happen, I really believe that would happen and it didn't. And even if it did, even if he threw a punch at me or got violent or whatever, which is how I remember him. Even if that did happen, I can still walk away saying I did what empowered me most or allowed me to keep my power. I can say that I walked in integrity that day. I feel good that I made that decision. Even though I have this black eye, even though he landed a punch on me. I feel really good. I would even feel better. I feel really good that I made that decision because he did not deserve my submission. He didn't deserve it and I didn't want to give it to him. And from that point on, I didn't have to. That was the very last time I saw him. I saw him in pictures, at family gatherings and I never saw him in person again. And I truly believe, like a spiritual thing here, I truly believe that the universe or God sent this person to me and this challenge for me so that I could evolve in some way or at least put me to the challenge so that I know I could do it every time I needed to do it. Because that's what I believe challenges are in our life, is that these challenges come along to give us the opportunity to stand in our own power and do what we feel is the best thing to do for us or back off and let somebody else have their power over us. I'm not saying that every interaction equates to, hey, they have power and I don't, that's not it at all. But in toxic interactions, when one person is usually toxic and the other person, like you isn't, and you are standing there or sitting or thinking like, oh, what's going to happen next? What should I do? I want you to think about and consider the fear based response versus the empowered response. The fear of what could happen, which is usually something we make up, could be true. Absolutely. Versus the decision that is right for us, versus the decision that we feel most empowered to make if everything turns out well. And my belief is, even if it doesn't turn out well, I made the empowered decision. I made the right decision for me. And that feels pretty darn good. After that interaction with my stepfather, I felt so much stronger in myself. I felt like I can tackle anything. After tackling that, I felt like I could honor myself with anyone. And it's true. I can honor myself with anyone. I can just say, no, thanks. Remember that first answer. Nope. I don't have to explain my no to you or anyone that I'm in a Conversation with. If I say no, if the person cares about me or respects me, they're going to say, oh, okay, they're going to honor my no. They're going to respect my answer. They're going to respect my decision. That's a good person to have around because they're not toxic. If you have an answer for someone, they should just trust you at your word. Because I respect you, because I care about you, because I love you, because I know that you're going to make decisions that you believe are right for you. And I'm not here to dictate what you should do. I'm here to honor the path that you want to take. I may not agree with it. I may not want you to do that. I may not want you to make that decision for yourself. And if it's. If there's danger involved, I might say, are you sure you want to make that decision? Because if you do that, there might be danger involved and here's the danger. But if that's what you want to do, I mean, if you feel comfortable doing that, I just want to let you know there's danger involved. And if they say, yeah, I'm aware of the danger, great, great, great, I'll back off. Because you honor that person, you respect them. I think that's a great way to communicate. So if I said no to somebody who said, still don't have a job yet, huh? Well, I keep using this example and my answer is nope. And then they say, oh, okay, how you doing then? Okay, great, let's move forward. No toxicity there. Hopefully I don't have a past with that person. And typically, when we don't have a past with a person, it's not going to be toxic. It's not going to go into a bad direction. It's not going to go where we don't want it to go. It's going to be kind and respectful and all of that, all the good stuff. But we know the kind of people that bring us down the road that we don't want to take. So we say, nope. And then, okay, you know, if it has to go further than that, well, why not? We already talked about that. And now we have answer number two as well that I mentioned way earlier. What do you mean, still don't have a job yet, huh? What do you mean? They may have a quick answer. They may say, what do you mean? What do I mean? I mean, what do you mean, I don't have a job yet? They might say, well, are you saying you have a Job. I'm just asking you what you mean by that. Well, I want to know if you have a job, they might give you a hard time. And maybe this isn't the best example of when to use that response, but what you're doing, again, is turning the spotlight back onto them so that they have to kind of face the music. Because the next answer, why do you ask? Really makes them face the music. It really gets to the heart of the reasons for their questions. Even if they don't give you the reasons, it forces them to, again, be in the spotlight, be on the spot to give you the meaning of the question or the comment. Like, what do you mean by that? That is the second question. Or sort of, what do you mean? Or what do you mean by that? So what do you mean by that? That I don't have a job. Aim. And really, the question is deeper than the surface level way I'm asking it. Like, what do you mean? They're just going to think it's, well, I'm asking you if you have a job. The deeper question, the underlying question is, what's your true intention for asking? And that kind of combines with why do you ask? What is your true intention for asking? Or even better if you want to word it in a more conversational way, is what is the purpose of your question? What is the purpose of asking this? Which is, again, along the lines of why do you ask? So 2 and 3 are kind of in the same ballpark, but there are different ways to respond to people who might say something or ask something or even do something toxic that takes you out of their spotlight and lets you keep your power by. And I don't want to say forcing them to respond, but passing the ball to them more or less, because when the ball's in your hand, it's like a hot potato. They say, here, take this hot potato and hold it in your hands as long as I'm talking to you. And you feel your hands burning and it doesn't feel good. But if you pass it back and say, hey, look, it's your turn now, it changes things. It changes the dynamic again. This isn't effective with everyone, but it can be effective with a lot of people because they probably aren't used to you being this way or feeling confident in yourself and feeling good about your own decisions, because that's what they're trying to do. They're trying to make you feel bad about your own decisions. They're trying to make you feel bad about the decisions you've made throughout Your life and the ones you're making today and the ones you're planning on making tomorrow. They want you to fall into a certain category in their mind so that they can keep their power over you and make you feel bad. And when they do that, where do you end up? You end up exactly where they want you to. And you stay powerless around them. Doesn't mean you are powerless. It doesn't mean that you walk away from them feeling powerless in every other area of your life. It just means when you're around these people, it's more difficult to operate and function in a healthy way or a mentally healthy way because you feel either drained or de energized in some way. Because of them, you feel down instead of either moderate or up. And when somebody brings you down, that's no place you want to stay. At least I don't want to stay there. So I come up with, like I do, I come up with these responses for people that put me on the spot. And I think ahead. This is something I teach in my Healed being program for difficult or emotionally abusive people who want to change. I talk about visualizing ahead. Like, let's just say that an argument or conflict is going to ensue if you bring up this certain subject. What will they say to you? What will you say to them? And how can you respond better? In this case, the person who's being difficult, I want them to respond in a way that isn't directly from a trigger, which is the same as responding from a fear or insecurity inside of them. I don't want them to respond from that place. So I help them visualize. Okay, your partner does this and it upsets you and you feel it, and you're going to say what you normally say, but visualizing what you should say or what you want to say differently, or what else could you do or say in that moment? And they visualize ahead so that they are prepared when they are triggered. They don't have an automatic response. They have a prepared response. It's much more helpful to prepare for a response instead of just letting your mind do its thing. Because if you have automatic responses that lead to outcomes that you don't want, you don't want to have those continually. We need to change those. And so this is one of those ways you visualize ahead. For example, if I know I'm going to deal with a toxic person and we are in the same room or we're on the phone or whatever, and they start to say something that rubs me the Wrong way or it's going in a direction that I always know leads to a bad outcome where I lose my power and they feel like they're in control of me or they want me to feel down or bad. And this is hard now because I don't have those people in my life anymore. So it's hard to come up with these scenarios because I've done very well at filtering these people out. I don't mean just avoiding them. I mean addressing them, facing them, dealing with them. Because when you deal with the difficult people, they have to change or else. The or else part is I won't be a part of your life. So they either change and I'm still a part of their life, or they don't, and I just say my peace and stay away. I don't want to deal with them in my life. They still have stuff to work through, and once they work through it, if they want to come back and try to make peace, great, I'll do it. We'll see where it goes. It doesn't always work that way, but we'll see what happens. I've done that with several people in my life. In fact, there is a kid in high school that I really didn't like, and he was kind of a bully and he was kind of a jerk. I never wanted to deal with him again. And then suddenly we're Facebook friends. And I'm actually appreciating his posts about him and his family. And it makes me feel good that he's in a good place in his life. Who am I? I never thought I would do that, but he reached out, he pulled out the olive branch and put it out there. And we really haven't had a conversation. We're just friends online now. And I feel good about it, and it actually helped me heal something inside of me that I've been holding on to for a long time. So it was great to say, okay, I'll be friends with this guy, and we'll see where it goes. This is another one of those challenges that the universe is sending me, and I'm sure it's going to end up badly. And I'm just going to have to say, what are you, 12 years old? And see where it goes, see what happens. But he never did that. And it's really strange to me. I'm not saying it won't happen. Maybe he still is a jerk in some way, but he doesn't seem like it. He seems like an adult now, and maybe he did grow up just like I did. I had a lot of growing up to do myself. And so it really helped me empathize in a way. It really helped me understand that we were all punks. Maybe not you. We were all punks when we were kids. At least the guys I know some of us were nicer than others and some of us were meaner than others. But hopefully life comes along and we learn a lot and then we move through it and now we feel better and we are treating people better. And when we treat people better, we get along with each other. And sometimes that doesn't work. Sometimes the bad people in your life, or no quotes, bad people in your life stay bad. Sometimes they're jerks. And sometimes you do have to veer away from their presence in your life if possible. And if not, don't put yourself in powerless positions around them, because if you do, where do you end up? You end up carrying that with you and bringing it into all your interactions, hoping that you never run into that person. And again, if they're dangerous, you don't want to deal with them, or if they're just annoying, you don't want to deal with them all for it. If you don't want to deal with somebody, ignore them or avoid them. It's up to you. Just don't let it run your life. Like, I'll never go to that store again because so and so works there. Don't let that run your life unless you're okay in every other aspect of your life. And what I mean by that is sometimes we carry the negativity of the resistance with us. Like, I want to resist this. And that resistance bleeds into other parts of our life. Like, I don't want to go to the coffee shop anymore because that person shows up. And now that's bleeding into other areas of our life that make us feel good. So it changes our life. When anything that we resist changes our life, then I think it's important to address it. Again, I'm not saying that you have to make peace with everyone in your life. It's just if it affects other areas of your life, it does help to heal those areas and move forward. And you may have to stand up for yourself. You may have to say something that, like, we're talking about today. You may have to respond in a way to a person that kind of puts them in their place or at least turns the spotlight back onto them so they understand that you're not here to be their puppet. You're not here to be their control subject or their victim. You're just here to live your life. And even if you're not proud of where you are in life, you haven't reached the proper amount of success or the family or the relationship that you want. I believe that you should still walk confidently in your own shoes and present yourself in a way that shows others that you are making decisions, or at least the best decisions that you believe you should make. Now, unless they're trustworthy, you don't have to just show up as this confident person or have false confidence in yourself. They're trustworthy because you can share the hard stuff with them. I'm talking about, yes, showing a little bit of false confidence sometimes with untrustworthy people or people that bring you down a road that you don't want to go down. Because you may not want to say, for example, the first answer, nope, you may not want to say that. It may not feel good to say that because inside you, you feel something different. You feel definitely not confident because you know where this conversation usually goes. I'm saying, and you don't have to listen to me, but I'm saying that the more confident you are around toxic people, the more confused they'll be about where you are. And confidence tends to exude empowerment, confidence in who you are and the shoes that you walk in, the path that you're traveling, even if you know it's the wrong direction, even if you know there are issues that you need to deal with, they don't need to know it. For example, you can even say, there are problems, but I'm dealing with them. You could even say that. It could be the honest truth. But notice the confidence, the self assuredness, the surety of self. I like to say, when that's in there and you are moving forward in that confidence around these types of people, it's hard for them to find your buttons. It's hard for them to find your breaking points. And if they can't find your breaking point, they may give up. That's the whole goal of this episode. It's like if you can get toxic people to give up on you and stop bothering you with ridiculous questions that always lead you to feel bad when it's over, if that stops, then your life improves. And so if you hear me say it's okay to be falsely confident with those types of people, it is a means to end the toxic interaction that normally takes place. And who knows, it may work. And finally, let me just address why do you ask? Why do you ask? Is a great, deeper layered question that forces them to get into reason mode inside themselves. It causes them to reveal the intention of their question. Still haven't gotten a job yet, huh? Why do you ask? Well, you know, I was asking because you haven't worked in a long time if they intended to make you feel bad or guilty or put you in a space of explaining yourself. So the spotlight's on you the whole time. If that was their intention, now the spotlight's back on them. So now they have to explain why they're asking. Toxic people do not like to be put on the spot. Toxic people don't want to have to explain why they're asking because they don't have a good explanation. If their goal was to make you feel bad or make you feel down in some way, they don't want to have to say that. Have you ever heard a toxic person say, I just want to make you feel bad? I haven't. I haven't heard anybody say that. I've heard somebody get close to that, but I haven't heard anybody actually be honest. I just want to make you feel bad. I just want to make you feel guilty and powerless so that I feel good about myself for making you feel bad. If they said that, they would actually go up a notch in my book because they're being honest, yeah, that's what I was trying to do. They'd still be way down in my book, but they would go up a notch because there's some honesty there. But again, it's not somebody I want in my life, but I would find it interesting if they said that and a little refreshing if they were that honest. But they're usually not. They're usually not going to give you the real reason. They may not even realize how hurtful they're being sometimes. It's like parents who aren't necessarily conscientious of how they come across, and so they just continue being their toxic selves. And you may not be able to get the point across if they're your parents because they believe they will have power over you for the rest of their lives. Some of them. Some of them, at least the toxic ones, may feel like that. And so asking the question, why do you ask? Makes the other person have to reveal their cards. Like, okay, put your cards on the table. Show me what you got. It may lead to a harder conversation because toxic people will dig deeper and try to find another button and try to wiggle out of whatever they're trying to accomplish. But stay confident in yourself. Stay sure of yourself. Walk forward with pride in yourself, no matter where you are in life, you don't have a job, you don't have a relationship, you're poor, you're whatever. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It's not their business. Nobody has to put you down for something you already feel something about. Maybe you feel bad, maybe you feel like a loser, maybe you feel unsuccessful. Doesn't matter. It's not their business. It's your business. And so when a toxic person needs to know your business or wants to put their nose in your business, they don't need to know the ins and outs of how you feel and make you feel worse about anything that you already feel bad about. They don't need to know any of that. That's not their business. And if they really need to know your business that you don't want to share, make sure they leave believing that you have everything under control. And then if you need to, you vent to your friends later. You vent to the people that you trust that love you, that will honor any path that you want to take. That's who you save your real business for. Thanks for joining me today and thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank Brad and Ashley and Steven and way thank you so much for your support, your patronage. These are names that I've read for years now. I mean, I've seen these names so often. They just keep giving. I do not beg, I do not ask them to. They just give. And that's always surprising to me. It's always humbling to me. So thank you patrons for giving your support for so long. Especially some of you have been in there for many, many years. Steven. Many years. He's the only reason I'm mentioning Steven is because he's been on for so long. I don't even know if he listens to the show anymore. But I'm very grateful for you, Steven, and everyone that gives to the Patreon program to support this show. Thank you so much. If you find value in this show and you want to give back to head over to moretlb.com and there are options to do that over there. And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and abuse over@loveandabuse.com and if you resonated with anything I said in today's episode, that podcast over there will be very helpful for you. So that's over@loveandabuse.com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, maybe you're the toxic person that somebody shared this episode with. There's a program that I help toxic people, emotionally abusive people, stop being that way and feel good inside themselves and feel good with others and others want to be around them. That's over@HealedBeing.com if that's what you are looking for or what you believe you need. And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decision and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing.