The Overwhelmed Brain

Host: Paul Colaianni
Episode: My abusive ex wants me to sit next to him at our child's wedding
Date: October 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Paul Colaianni responds to a listener struggling with the fallout of an emotionally and narcissistically abusive marriage. The listener, about a year post-separation after 35+ years with their ex, is facing a difficult request: their ex-husband wants to sit with them at their oldest child’s wedding. The listener is working on honoring boundaries and prioritizing their own happiness, but feels pressure not to be “selfish” on their child's special day. Paul explores how to honor one’s boundaries in the face of past abuse, the difficulty of explaining abuse to others, the concepts of "Gray Rock" and emotional triggers, and the difference between selfishness and healthy boundaries.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Listener’s Dilemma and Background ([00:00]–[03:00])

• Listener shares: After a long, emotionally turbulent marriage, she is now separated. Her ex displays narcissistic traits and wants to sit with her at their child’s wedding.
• Feeling the weight of family dynamics and not wanting to be “selfish,” she seeks Paul’s take.

“For a long time, my life felt very off. I learned a lot from your podcast...I couldn’t explain the chaos in my head to myself, much less to anyone else.”
— Listener email ([00:28])

The Nature of Narcissistic & Abusive Relationships ([01:30]–[03:50])

• Paul empathizes with how abusers can appear charming and ideal at first, then slowly reveal hurtful behaviors.
• Leaving these relationships is hard due to deep emotional, practical, and financial investments.

“Most narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships start off really good. Like, really good... And then the behaviors start.”
— Paul ([01:40])

Wedding Seating Dilemma: Assessing Choice & Power ([03:50]–[09:45])

• Sitting with an ex is ultimately a personal choice; it won’t ruin the wedding if boundaries are honored.
• If the child specifically requests the parents sit together, it’s up to the listener to gauge what they can tolerate.
• The ex is likely seeking control by making this seating request, and could react manipulatively if his wishes are denied.

“Your ex is saying, I want to control where you sit. I mean, this is how I’m reading it.”
— Paul ([21:41])

Emotional Triggers and the “Gray Rock” Technique ([09:46]–[19:42])

• Abusive people seek emotional responses as a way to manipulate and control.
• Paul explains “Gray Rock”—becoming emotionally unresponsive and boring to help deflect manipulation.
• Respond to baiting or toxic comments with a flat, unemotional “OK, whatever” or “No, thank you.”

“Abusive people seek out your emotional response so that they know something landed... But people cannot control your emotions when you don’t show them your emotions.”
— Paul ([11:20])

“Gray rock is hard. Gray rock is not an easy technique because you’re so used to being yourself, an emotional creature.”
— Paul ([13:03])

The Challenge of Explaining Abuse to Others ([19:45]–[24:25])

• Abusers often present a charming, “victim” face to friends and family, who may not believe or understand the abuse suffered by their partner.
• It’s common for someone’s support system to be divided, or for friends to remain loyal to the abuser due to these appearances.

“Friends usually see an entirely different side of the narcissist. To friends, the narcissist is the victim and the narcissist victim is the abuser.”
— Paul ([22:51])

Boundaries, Not Selfishness ([24:25]–[29:50])

• Paul distinguishes between selfishness and boundaries: boundaries are simply what you will and won’t accept.
• “No, thanks” is a complete response—no need to explain yourself to your ex or anyone else demanding more.
• It’s not selfish to decline sitting with an abuser; it’s self-care.

“Boundaries in my definition is what you will and won’t accept... If some toxic person says, Hey, I want you to sit next to me, will you accept that?”
— Paul ([26:05])

Centering Yourself on What Matters ([29:50]–[33:25])

• The core question: Will being near your ex override your attention to your daughter and her wedding day?
• If sitting with your ex distracts or stresses you, say no—your focus should be on your child, not managing emotional fallout from your ex.

“Will your submission to sit next to him override the attention that you will give to your daughter on her special day?”
— Paul ([31:24])

Practical Boundaries in Action—Paul’s Personal Story ([33:26]–[42:45])

• Paul shares a story about standing up to his abusive stepfather for the first time, breaking a long-standing pattern of submitting out of fear.
• The importance of prioritizing the self you want to be over old, fearful habits—even when it feels risky.

“My priority was becoming someone who could stand up for himself and be okay saying no around him... And I knew it was a risk. And so I said my thing. Sorry, you’re not allowed in here. And I waited for the punch... [but] it didn’t happen.”
— Paul ([36:38])

Closing Guidance: Honor Yourself, Not Others’ Control ([42:46]–[47:38])

• Prioritize your well-being and boundaries, especially on emotionally charged days.
• Loved ones should support your boundaries—not try to guilt you into compliance.
• Healthy boundaries are acts of self-love, not selfishness.

“People who love you, people who care about you, people who want you to be happy want you to have boundaries... Boundaries are not selfish. People who love you will want you to honor yourself.”
— Paul ([45:08])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On emotional manipulation:

  “Abusive people are very good at picking apart your explanations. What they’re not good at is you being confident, making decisions that are right for you, following the path you lay out before yourself, and not doing what they want you to do.”
  — Paul ([41:14])

• On handling persistent pressure:

  “When somebody doesn’t honor your ‘no,’ they should honor the decision that you make. Those who don’t honor you honoring yourself aren’t loving people, at least not in that moment.”
  — Paul ([39:50])

• On boundaries vs. guilt:

  “If you say no to someone, that is your answer. And if they say, oh, come on, or whatever they’re trying to do to make you change your mind or feel bad for honoring yourself, then they’re not being loving.”
  — Paul ([40:12])

• On the risk/reward of boundary-setting:

  “It’s worth the risk of honoring myself to create the outcomes that I feel most comfortable with.”
  — Paul ([42:46])

Time-stamped Segment Highlights

• [01:40–03:50] – Understanding the emotional aftermath of a long-term abusive relationship.
• [09:46–13:30] – How abusers provoke emotional responses and how “Gray Rock” disarms them.
• [22:51–24:25] – Why friends may not see or believe the abuser’s real face.
• [26:05–29:50] – Boundaries explained: why saying “no” is not selfish.
• [31:24–32:40] – Encouragement to assess whether sitting with your ex will distract you from your daughter’s moment.
• [36:38–39:10] – Paul’s personal breakthrough in setting boundaries with an abuser.
• [45:08–46:10] – The link between boundaries, self-love, and true support from loved ones.

Final Thoughts and Takeaways

• Boundaries are essential, not selfish. Prioritizing your needs—especially in triggering or emotionally significant situations—demonstrates self-respect and fosters healing.
• “Gray Rock” can help manage interactions with a toxic ex where contact is unavoidable.
• No explanation is necessary. “No, thank you” is enough.
• True supporters will honor your boundaries. Those insisting you comply with others’ wishes are acting in their own interest, not yours.
• Your child’s wedding is about your joyful presence, not appeasing someone who has harmed you.

“You are worth honoring and your decisions matter. And when you make the right decisions for you, that is the most loving thing you can do for yourself.”
— Paul ([47:18])

For more on navigating emotionally abusive relationships, visit Paul’s other podcast: loveandabuse.com.