← The Overwhelmed Brain
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These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. All right, I'm gonna say this as nicely as possible. I will do my best, but it's gonna sound harsh. What I'm going to tell you is meant to be encouraging. It's meant to lift you up, not bring you down. And that is, if you are currently blaming yourself for stupid decisions, stop blaming yourself for stupid decisions. Don't blame yourself for the decisions that you made. When you've made decisions that haven't worked out, they didn't work out. When you've made decisions in the past and you're thinking, damn it, I should have done this. I should have said that I should have made a different decision. And now look what I ended up with. If you blame yourself, you can let that go. I'm giving you permission to let go of the fact that, yes, you made stupid decisions. So stop blaming yourself for having made a stupid decision or stupid decisions. Decisions aren't stupid. They're just not informed enough. You don't have enough knowledge to make the right decision or the best decision. You don't, because if you did, you would have made a different decision. So I've said this very same thing in different ways on different episodes, but it basically comes down to if you had known better, you would have made a different decision. And if you blame yourself for not knowing better, stop it. Stop blaming yourself for not knowing better. Because if you knew better, you would have made a different decision. So you can't blame yourself for something that you didn't have the capacity to do at the time. And if you blame yourself for having the capacity that you should have had at the time, stop that too. Because if you had had the capacity to make a better decision, you would have made a better decision. You don't know the outcome of every decision that you're going to make. You believe that you're making the best decision possible. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you are just guessing. Maybe you are just trying to make the best decision based on what you know, but you didn't know enough. All bad decisions, all stupid decisions are based on not knowing enough or not applying enough or. Or based on fear. I should have been stronger. I should have been braver. I should have done this instead. I should have said that. And when you think back to a decision that you have made that you know was based on fear, like you made a decision to stay in a toxic relationship, you made a decision to go that way instead of that way, because that way was too hard or too scary. You still made the decision having a lack of resources, meaning you didn't have enough or know enough or feel strong inside yourself enough or intelligent enough at the time, which means you were lacking at the time you made that decision. You didn't have enough to go on. So you made the best decision possible. And that is every decision we ever make. Always. Every decision that you make is the best decision based on the resources that you have and what you know and how you feel. It's all combined. It's a very holistic approach to life. I'm going to make this decision based on what I know, what I feel, what I believe. And when I make this decision, I hope it all turns out well. Even when we know we're making not the best decision, we still hope it turns out well because we're making that decision for some sort of benefit. Even if that benefit is to avoid pain or avoid conflict or avoid suffering. Sometimes we make decisions knowing that suffering is a part of it. I made a decision in my past that I've talked about where I told my stepfather he wasn't allowed to come into my mom's home. It was the first time I stood up to him. And, you know, if you don't know the story, he was an abusive alcoholic, and he was most of my life. And of course, the entire time, my mom was married to him. And so one day he shows up after they get divorced, and I had to make a decision. And that decision was scary to me, and it was something that I had to make in the moment, right away, and it was something that I've never done before. So all these little calculations and all the gears are turning in my head in milliseconds, and I have to make a decision. So what kind of decision do we make in those moments? We make the best one that we believe we should make at the time that we believe will give us the outcome that we want. That's the hope we hope we get the outcome we want. In the past, my decision was based on not facing the wrath of his anger, his violence. And what I mean by that is that let's just say that he was being awful or being hurtful to someone that I loved. He'd never really hurt me. So, I mean, there was one incident, but in all, I was very lucky in my upbringing, but it was very scary because I was a kid. I heard him yelling. I heard him screaming. I heard him smashing things. I heard my mom yelling back. And it would become A nightmare for us children in the house to have to listen to that and hope that he never came up the stairs. I don't want to paint such an awful picture or trigger you. I'm sorry, but this is the kind of survival that some children go through hoping they get out of it okay. And all my life, I never stood up to him. I was always afraid of him. Even when I grew up and was taller than him and bigger than him, and there was no reason I should have been scared of him, but I still was. It's all mental, emotional and psychological. All this stuff that I dealt with, us kids dealt with growing up with him. It plays a huge part in our decision making. And so my decisions back then were to avoid conflict and avoid a violent or aggressive reaction, to avoid pain. And then I grew up and became an adult, and it still took me a long time, up until my 40s, to be able to stand up to him and say, no, or, you're not allowed in, or, she doesn't want to talk to you. I didn't say the following, but I could have said, now go away. I could have said that, but I didn't. I just didn't let him in, you know, during this one incident. And that was the first time that I made that kind of decision. The times before that I didn't stand up to him, that I didn't stand up courageously and speak up for myself or for my mom or for any family member those times, I was still making the best decisions with the knowledge and belief and the resources that I had. Even though I could think about it and look back and ask myself, why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I do something different? Why couldn't I have just stood up to him then? And if I think about that, too much regret will start to seep in, and that's not a good thing. We can't regret the things that we didn't do because we didn't have enough information or belief or emotion or intelligence data, whatever it is, to back up the decision that we made. Because if we did, we would have made a different decision. When I made the decision not to let him in my mom's house, instead of allowing fear to take over and make my decision for me, I decided to face the fear instead. I decided to face the consequences of what might and probably would happen by choosing to stand up to him for the first time ever. I did this with a boss, too. I used to be afraid to speak up to my boss or tell my boss what was on my mind for fear of being fired? So I did that to a boss prior to this incident with my stepfather, which helped me to gain some courage inside myself. Because the decisions that I've made throughout my life, that didn't necessarily give me the outcome that I wanted, but the outcome I wanted to avoid instead. Those decisions were usually based on being afraid of what happens next. And so that's when I came up with the question, okay, if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences, what would I do instead? Or what I say instead? And that's how I started getting past this. What would I do? If I had absolutely no fear of the consequences, what would I do or say then? And that the answers that came were the decisions that I really wanted to make. I really wanted to make that. In fact, I think I asked myself that question when my stepfather showed up at the door that time. I asked myself, okay, what do I really want to say right now? If there were no consequences or if I had no fear of the consequences, what would I say? And then, of course, in these milliseconds, I'm also telling myself that, you know, I could make this decision and something bad could happen to me. And then again, in these milliseconds, I told myself, so what? Something bad happens, just deal with it. I'm not giving you this advice. I'm saying in this moment, I felt like I had grown up. I felt like I'm an adult talking to another adult, and I shouldn't have to talk to him as if I fear him. I want to talk to him as if I am okay standing on my own two feet, and I could face him without fear, even though it was still there, and say what I want to say without fear, even though the fear was still there, and just face the consequences. Because what overrides the fear is the future that we want. That's how I see decision making now, is that if I have any fear in this decision, I ask myself this other question. What do I want for my future? Because if I face the music in this moment, you know, face the conflict, bring it up, let's just get it on the table and put it out there and see what happens, then I won't have to face it later. And so when I was making decisions before about my stepfather, about standing up, about avoiding his wrath or aggression or violence, which I never tested, but I never wanted to test that, but in the past, before that moment at my mom's house, I just chose based on the fear of the consequences, the fear of the results that I was getting, going to get because I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of conflict. I was afraid that if he went off on me, I didn't know what to do next. Another reason we make decisions, because we don't know what to do next. When XYZ happens, after we make that decision. But when the future that you want overrides the fear of the decision that you're about to make, you will make a decision that makes for a better future. And what I mean by that is, in the moment that I told my stepfather, you're not allowed to come into the house, the future I pictured, if I didn't say that, was the past that I kept getting, it was the repetitive moments in my past, in my family's past, that no one has ever stood up to him and that this would continue unless I stopped it right now, right here, right now, and said, sorry, you're not allowed in. And those words, a little paraphrase there, but I said something similar. Those words changed my life, changed my future, changed my mom's future, changed the entire outcome of everything that was to come. Just because I made a different decision, because I chose to let the future I wanted override the fear of the consequences of the decision that I was about to make. And when that happened, when that override took place, I changed my life. And this is how my decision making works now, is that when there's an important decision to make, I allow the future of what I want to occur, of the outcome that I want, override the fear of the decision in the moment. And yes, that might mean I say something to someone that creates conflict, that creates a problem in the moment. But what happens is I've done it. I put it on the table. I've put it out there to be resolved. Today, instead of kicking the can down the road. One of my wife's favorite phrases, kicking the can down the road. So nothing happens until you finally pick up the can and say, that's enough. Or you finally crush that can and throw it out and say, this is what I'm going to do instead, I'm done delaying. I'm done trying to make things work. When all I have to do is decide this one thing or do this one thing or say this one thing. That's all I need to do, is to change the direction of my future by making this decision. What if it turns out terrible? Well, you're still making the best decision that you know within the resources and the knowledge and the beliefs and the values that you have, and your emotional state, too. And when all of that comes together and you make that decision, that will be your future. And if you are making a decision based on what you want for your future, it will be the right decision. Now, what does that mean? It means later on, you could look back and say, oh, crap, I made the wrong decision. But you didn't, because you did the best you can with all those resources that I just named. And you will always make the best decision based on the resources and the knowledge and the emotional state and all of that in the moment. You will always make the best decision because that's where you are. If you are in a space that you want to avoid conflict and you make a decision to avoid conflict instead of trying to stop it in its tracks, that's where you are. And that's what you're probably going to get in the future. Until you get to the point where you say, I've had enough. I'm done with that. I've had enough. And what did I say a few episodes ago? This isn't working for me. This isn't working for me. I've had enough. It's time to make a different decision. And then the fears come up, like, oh, if I make a different decision, this will happen. And they'll say this, and then people will believe that, and my family will disown me. And all the future that we don't want starts to appear. But what overrides that? What's the future that we don't want? The future that we want. But I don't want my family to be mad at me. But what is the future that you do want? Let's just say that your family is mad at you for making that decision. What is going to give you peace inside you if you make that decision and you move forward with it? And now you can look back and say, I did it, and now I don't have to think about it anymore. It's kind of like the eat that frog concept. I don't know if you've heard that. It's a book, I think, and in the book it says, eat that frog first thing in the morning. That's a gross analogy. But what they're saying is, do the hardest thing you can now to make the rest of your day or the rest of your week or whatever, easier. So if you have to call that very difficult to talk to person, and you're delaying and delaying and kicking the can down the road, what's better to think about it for three weeks and Be anxious about it and have it constantly pop up in your mind or just get it done. Let's just get this over with. Let's just do it right now and I'll deal with whatever comes afterward. I used to do that at work with my co worker. I would say, let's eat that frog. Let's just do that right now. When I worked in an office many years ago, and she agreed. She's like, yes, let's just get this over with. And then we do it. We don't have to think about it anymore. The only thing we might think about is, oh, that sucked. Or maybe it went great, or maybe it, you know, went better than we thought. And either way, it's over. Either way, we're done. And now we can move on and we can put our focus on other things. And every single time we did that, life improved at least. Our stress levels decreased and our positivity, our optimism improved because we ate that frog either first thing in the morning or got it done right away while we were talking about it, which allowed us to move on from it. Because you know how it feels to continually think about something that you don't want to deal with. I hate that feeling. I don't want to deal with this thing. And I keep thinking about it because I have to prepare for it, and I'm not prepared for it, and I don't want to deal with it. And it's coming and I have to get it done. This reminds me of somebody I know who doesn't want to make that phone call to somebody that he knows because he knows it's going to be a hard phone call. But he is constantly talking about it. He's constantly telling us how difficult it will be to speak the truth to this other person. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with their reaction. I don't want. But it's constant. That's all that's on his mind. I think it's time for him to make a decision. I think it's time to eat that frog. I think it's time for him to realize that the future he wants is delayed until he decides to take care of this sooner than later. That's really all I have for you today. It's a short episode. This actually came from my wife. She made a decision yesterday that changed everything. It changed everything for her with a relationship that she has with someone because she finally decided to say something because it was on her mind. It's been on her mind for Years and years. And she finally decided to say something to somebody that she couldn't stand back and let continue. So she said something that she's always felt like saying but never did, and that was yesterday. And today she woke up and she said, I feel so good. I feel energized. I mean, I'm a little tired because I lost some sleep. You know, I got some hot flashes and stuff. She's in menopause, but I feel really good. And I asked her, is it because of what you said to that person? And she said, maybe it is. I feel really good. And so we talked about that for a little bit. And I realized that's true. Every time I've made a decision that has changed something, changed my life that has been weighing on me, or even something like an unhealed tether to someone or something, if I just may throw out that visual, an unhealed tether to something negative, something that impacts you negatively, that you carry around with you that maybe you don't think about all the time, but when you do think about it, it's right there and it doesn't feel very good. And it can maybe weigh you down or de energize you. And sometimes when you heal that tether, you can feel energized. And that's what we both noticed this morning, is how good she felt after that. And again, it's not like it was weighing her down, but when she thought about that situation with this person, she did have some negative thoughts about it. And so healing that tether made her feel different. It gave her some energy. It was like trapped energy there. And by addressing the topic, addressing what was on her mind for many years, finally speaking about it, there was a release of sorts. Now, will this be a buildup of something else? Maybe. But that release has happened, that has now been addressed. And so this is what we can do for ourselves sometimes. Is that the thing we've been holding on to for so long? We can. I mean, we know how this feels. I've been wanting to tell you forever. That's how sometimes we have somebody in our life that we want to tell something to and we don't because of whatever we think is going to happen if we tell them, or we're bound by secrecy or if we say it, it might cause hurt or whatever. And sometimes we hold on to that for so long that it does affect us. We do carry it around. It can de energize us. It can tire us out. And then when we finally address it, when we finally Bring it up and we put it on the table. It can sometimes heal the tether. It can sometimes release the energy and make us feel new or different or positive or sometimes worse. Sometimes it. It doesn't go the way we want, but it frees up what was already there. It frees up what we've been dealing with, what we've been thinking about. And if there is a new issue to deal with, then we can deal with that too. We can make a decision based on the same premise, the same philosophy that the future that we want will override the fear that keeps us from making the decision that we want. And that could change your life. So I hope this helped. If you are thinking about something that you want to make a decision on and maybe it's time to make that decision, or maybe not. Maybe you want to kick that can a little bit further down the road just to make sure that you plan ahead. Well, sometimes we do have to plan for the decisions that we make and that's perfectly okay too, because we want to be prepared. Sometimes some of the decisions that we make are life changing and the goal is to get the future that we want. That's my goal. At least I hope it's yours too. I appreciate you. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank the patrons of the week. They are Heather and Maria and Christy. Thank you so much for your support of the show. Very grateful for your contributions and they are valuable to me and they value this show enough to give back. And again, I am so grateful for you. If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to MoreToB.com and there are options to do so over there. And I have another podcast that I've been doing since 2019 called Love and Abuse over loveandabuse.com if you are having difficulty in your relationship and there are elements that make you feel bad, listen to that show and that's going to help you through a lot of stuff. That's over@loveandabuse.com and if you know you're the difficult person in the relationship where you might be doing some emotionally abusive behaviors, whether you know it or not, sign up for the free lessons over@HealedBeing.com and you'll learn pretty quick if that's you. And I hope the people who need it actually get it because your life will change when you make that decision. I know that for a fact because once you become the person that people want to be around, your life does change. And what I mean by that is if you're showing up as hurtful or controlling or manipulative, people don't want to be around that. And so it's important to work on that. That's over@HealedBeing.com Again, sign up for the free lessons and you'll learn a lot about yourself. And with that, always keep your mind open, because that's how you make the best decisions. Be firm in those decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true, true about you. You are amazing.