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These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. Welcome to the show. My name is Paul Koliani and I am glad that you're here. We are on episode number 656 for those of you keeping track. Got your spreadsheet out? Anyway, again, I'm glad that you're here. I'm going to get right into today's topic, or actually a couple topics today. One of them is just, I don't know, this may be a short segment here, but I watched somebody on YouTube talk about. In fact, it was Adam Savage. If you know Adam Savage from Mythbusters, he has a YouTube channel and he was reading a message that was from somebody that created something for themselves. They created. I don't know what it was. They made something. And Adam's a maker. He makes props for movies and things like that. And so people write to him. And there are other makers out there that call them makers. And I'm. I'm fascinated by it because it's kind of in the engineering, creative, artistic space that I like to follow and sometimes be a part of. I used to do similar things. I used to fix things. And so this guy wrote and he said, I made this device for myself and whatever it was, and I really enjoyed it. And I decided to make one for a friend of mine, or it might have been family, but what he did was he made this duplicate of this device because he thought it would be a great gift. And he gave it to them and they graciously accepted it. And I don't know how long later, but he called them and asked, so what do you think? Are you enjoying it? And they said, we don't really use it. And we ended up throwing it away. I heard that and I thought, wow, that's pretty forward for somebody to say that after you give them a gift. But, you know, that really hurt his feelings. And he also felt like a little less confident in himself. Like maybe he thought, maybe I'm not as great of a maker or creator as I thought I was. And so these people that he gave it to, they said, you know, when you make things like that, it's really for you, not for us. So we didn't really find any use for it. Again, very blunt, very forward. And it's certainly something that I could never say to someone if they gave me a gift, especially something that they made with their own hands. I would just, I'm gonna tell you right now, I'd probably say, I love it. I love it. And then I'd probably put it in the closet if I didn't, but I wouldn't get rid of it. And if they ever came over, probably be on the table, somebody would see it and they go, oh, there's my thing. I made you, of course. And I know I'm revealing some stuff here, but I've liked everything that anyone has ever made me. So that's never been a problem. But if, if something like that happened, there would be. It would be awkward. I mean, you know, it would be awkward. You probably have experiences. It would be awkward to receive something that not only you can't use, but maybe you just don't like. Like, I think I had an episode a long time ago where I talked about, what if somebody made you a statue of a big toe and they loved it, and that was their specialty. They made these weird body parts for people's lawns and they gave it to you, would you just stick it in your front lawn? Saying, thank you so much. That's a hard thing. Because if it took them a whole number of hours, hundreds of hours, or whatever, and then you said, wow, I don't know what I can do with this. Thank you. I mean, how do you deal with that? And what's interesting is I'm not talking about the reception today, I'm talking about the giving. At least in this segment, when we give something to someone, my rule of giving is especially something that you've put a lot of time and effort into. My rule of giving is to give with no strings attached, meaning no expectations, no obligations, no response required. Just give. I made this for you. I thought of you and I hope you like it. That is my rule. I just give and then I hope they like it. And then the most important part of the rule is never asking about it again, never bringing it up, never talking about it, just leaving it with them because it is something that you made for them. And if they didn't like it, I don't want to put somebody in a position where they have to fabricate something. Lie. I don't want them to have to lie, even though I understand it's something that you want to find out, like, how do you like it? What are you doing with it? Are you using it because it's interesting to you and you put time and effort into it or money or whatever, all of it, all the above. And if they didn't like it or they aren't using it, do you have enough self worth? Do you have enough self love and self Everything. Do you feel strong enough to accept the truth if they were to give it to you? And if that's the case, if you do, oh, no problem. Great. You know, go ahead and ask if you want. But I'm still not in favor of doing that, because I really want to give with no strings attached. That is my rule. So when I give something, I just leave it. Here's a good example. We have a friend, and she said, oh, I would like to read your book. I wrote a book called the Overwhelmed Personal Growth for Critical Thinkers, and it has done well. I wrote it back in 2017. And, you know, when you have friends and family, you don't go around saying, hey, here's my book. I hope you read it, at least. I don't do that. I mean, maybe I should do that, but I don't. And I didn't. But she asked. She said, I would love to read your book. And I had copies. So I said, sure. Here you go. And I never asked her about it again. And I left it, and I've actually given it to a few friends. I never asked if they read it. How's it going? It's not because I was afraid of the answer. It was because it was theirs. It is theirs. I'm giving it to them. If they choose to read it, if they choose to burn it, if they choose to pass it on or give it to Goodwill or whatever, totally up to them. I'm not here to grill them, ask them a bunch of questions about it. I just gave them the book or the gift and let it go. And then this one friend that we gave it to, she said, I have been reading your book. And I said, really? And I thought that was great. You know, that's so nice for her to come to me and say that. That tells me that she was putting her time and effort into it. But she said, I can't get past the one thing about values because I don't know what's important to me. And I thought, whoa, that's something we need to talk about, because you have to get past that in order to get through at least that chapter of the book. Values what are important to you? The values that we hold are what are important to us about the different areas in life. So somebody might ask you what's important to you about a relationship, and you might say, well, I want somebody who's honest. I want somebody who makes me laugh. I want somebody I'm attracted to. Those are all values. Those are all things we value in another person, in a relationship. And everyone has different values. Somebody might say, I want somebody who never cheats on me. And that might be their highest value because they've been burned before. So if you've never had that happen, or you're just not worried about that, then you're going to have other values that make that list. And so I was just, you know, in the book, I was asking the person to write down what's important to them about the different aspects in their life. And she said she couldn't get past that part. I was thinking, oh, no, do I have to rewrite that? But she really did have a problem there. So I said, hey, you know, if you want to talk about that and if you want to explore that, I'm happy to do that. But that's where she was with the book. And that was something that, you know, somebody else might run into and they don't want to say anything like, paul, I got through your book at least part way. And then I couldn't get past that part because I couldn't think of what was important to me or whatever. And if that's the case, then of course they could ask me. They could write to me if they're not local or whatever, or they can just let it go and move on with their life. And no matter what, I'm okay, whatever direction they take, because I'm not invested in their response. I'm invested in the act of giving. I guess the act of putting it out there. And if they want it, great. If they don't, they can move on without it. That's my whole point about this. The segment, at least, is that when we give, we give without strings attached and we let the person be. And then we may never hear about what we gave them forever. Maybe they never mention it again. And will you be okay if that's the case? That's where we need. In my opinion, this is where we need to get to. Where we can give something and be okay if we never hear about it ever again. And if you get to that point, that, to me, is truly giving. Giving with no strings attached, letting the other person know. I mean, this is something that I had to teach my mom. My mom used to give me things and ask me about everything she gave me all the time. Are you enjoying it? Are you having fun? Did you read it yet? Did you put it in the VCR yet? You know, when we had videotapes and I used to have to answer these questions, and if I didn't get to it, it's almost like she felt insulted or hurt. And I remember one day she asked me about a stereo that she gave me while I lived at home. And she bought it for me. It was great. It was a dual cassette player, and I used to use that thing all the time. And then I moved out, and I was living with my girlfriend at the time. And eventually that player either died or I upgraded or something. And she would call me and ask me about things. And she asked me about that stereo. How are you enjoying that stereo? How is it going? And I said, mom, I don't have that stereo anymore. It's been a long time. And I forget what I said, but it might have broken. Like I said, I could have just gotten rid of it or sold it. And she said, you don't have it anymore? I said, no, I don't. And, you know, I'm sorry, but I. I couldn't keep it because whatever it was back then, and she was really hurt. And so I asked her the magic question. Did you expect me to keep it forever? I asked her nicely. I asked her, you know, mom, when you give me something, do you really want me to keep it forever? Or I said something like that. And she thought about it, and she said, well, I guess not. She just never thought about it. I guess not. I guess you're right. I don't expect you to keep it forever. In fact, things get old. Things break, and sometimes we just don't want it anymore or sell it or whatever. And after that, she was a completely different person. And it was genuine. Her changes were genuine. It wasn't like she was burying resentment or anything like that. She. She really understood that. She had this belief that the things that she gave were a part of her. And I'm putting words in her mouth, but this is my assumption. The things that she gave me were a part of her, and if I got rid of it, that was like a part of her being tossed out or sold or whatever. And after I asked her that question, do you expect me to keep things forever? It finally dawned on her that it was probably not a healthy belief. And I gotta give her kudos for her to be able to change that quickly, to be able to develop a whole new belief system around something that it appeared that she held onto for a long time, like that was part of her that I was getting rid of. But when she let that go because of that realization that maybe I shouldn't expect people to keep things forever, and that's kind of a silly belief, and I'm again putting words in her Mouth, because things happen. If I expect Paul to keep something forever, that might be expecting too much. And from that point on, again, completely different person. After that, she changed 180. And I know it was true, because after she gave me things in the future and she didn't stop giving me things, she always loved buying me stuff and just sending them my way. We lived a thousand miles apart, and she always found stuff when she was out and about, and she would send stuff to me and she would say, you know, I sent that to you, but you don't have to keep it. Don't worry about it. And I said, well, I like it. I'm going to keep it. And she says, oh, that's fine. Either way, though, I'm okay. And she meant it. And this isn't. Again, this wasn't like a repressing resentment, like, oh, you don't have to keep it. You can throw it away if you want, whatever, it won't hurt me, you know, it wasn't that attitude. She really meant it because many, many years went by where she was no longer attached to the gifts she gave, and she was a different person. I mean, at least in that respect, she completely changed her attitude and her approach to gift giving. And our relationship improved. Not that it was on the rocks or anything, but it just improved exponentially because now we could give back and forth. And I gave to her and she gave to me, and there was no expectation that we would have to keep it or even like it, because I remember her sending me stuff, saying, you know, I found this, and I don't know if you'll like it or not, but I was thinking of you, and it looked like something that you might be able to use. If you don't like it, I don't care. It's. It's up to you if you want to keep it. So our conversations around gift giving just got very relaxed and it was nice. And again, it improved our relationship. So that's. That's one example. When you give something to someone, anything, when you tell them how wonderful they look and they don't say anything back, or they don't give you a compliment. If you say something like, I love you, and you're fishing for that, I love you back, that's when it feels like there's an expectation, a string attached. It's the same thing I have with apologies. Like when you apologize to someone, don't expect anything back. You're apologizing. This is something that you're doing that, you know, you need to do. If you do, you know, if you need to apologize for something that you did, you know you need to do it. So you're making the move to do that. But don't expect them to be forgiving. Don't expect them to say, I forgive you, or say, thank you. Just know that you did your part. If you gave a gift, if you said a nice thing, if you said, I love you, if you apologize all of that when you expect nothing in return, then it shows that your gift or your words or your apology is really about the other person and not yourself. That's what those strings are. When you have strings attached, it's telling the other person, I want you to now come back to me and give something back to me. Those strings pull people back. They feel like obligations and expectations. And so when we let go of those strings or we cut them so they don't exist, then what we're doing is giving without conditions, giving without expectations, and letting the other person know that this is really about them. And we also allow them to do whatever they want with whatever we just gave them. If we gave them nice words, they can do whatever they want with those nice words. If we just apologize, they can do whatever they want with that apology. You just do your part and you move forward. Now. It's nice when you get the return. It's nice when they come back and say, well, thank you so much. I use it all the time, or, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you. All of that would be wonderful. But it doesn't always happen. And we free ourselves from the expectation and the sometimes disappointment. Sometimes we feel disappointed when somebody doesn't return or come back to us with some sort of reciprocation or thank you or whatever. And it can feel bad because we have expectations. So again, coming back to that original story that Adam Savage was talking about with that maker, Adam actually didn't go in that direction to tell the guy who wrote to him that, don't ask. I'm a don't ask guy. So if you do something or make something for someone and you choose to ask about it later, boy, you better be ready for the truth. And you better have a strong constitution. Because if you get information that you don't want to hear or don't like, it might affect you in a negative way. And it's just best to do your part and leave them be and know that you've done your part. And everyone always says it's the thought that counts anyway. What if they don't like what you gave them. It's the thought that counts. It's like the perfect saying. It really is the thought that counts. At the end of the day they will remember, wow, that was really nice of them to do that. You know, if they thought it was nice. But that really, that's really what it comes down to. It's how they take the gesture. The thought that counts. The gesture that counts. There's so much a therapist has to do before and after their session with a client. For so many years there have been multiple tools for them to use and lots to juggle. I remember having to do that with every client that I worked with when I was doing one on one sessions as well. I was getting tired of the juggling. That's why I'm so happy to talk about Simple Practice. If you're a therapist listening, you already know your work doesn't end when the session does. There's scheduling, notes, billing, insurance, follow ups, all of the admin that happens before and after the work you actually care about. Simple Practice is an all in one EHR that is HIPAA compliant, high Trust certified and built specifically for therapists. It brings scheduling, billing, insurance and client communication into one place so you're not juggling multiple systems. Automated appointment reminders help reduce no shows and note templates make documentation faster so the business side of your practice feels lighter. And if you're just starting out or growing your practice, there's a credentialing service that takes the headache out of insurance enrollment, which can honestly be a huge lift. If you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try SimplePractice. Start with a seven day free trial and then get 50% off your first three months. Just go to SimplePractice.com to claim the offer. That's SimplePractice.com. And so there's the first segment. I wanted to talk about this other thing really quick. Somebody wrote and said I've listened to all the podcasts all Love and Abuse, my other podcast and this one. And my question is if somebody says I didn't mean it like that, or that's not what I meant, or you took it the wrong way and if they say that over and over again, would you start to think that they do mean it? Like when they say I didn't mean it like that, maybe they did mean it like that. My husband has been saying it to me a lot recently when mentioning something about me. We've been married for a long time and he has put his foot in his mouth on many occasions, but not so many times in such a short period of time within the last few months. He's making me feel like I'm crazy and that I'm taking everything he says the wrong way, but I know I can't be taking everything the wrong way. Thank you for writing that. Thank you for sharing what you're going through. And wow, there's my personal reply and my professional reply. And my personal reply might override my professional reply to this. I'm going to say that he is crazy making you. I'm going to say that he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to get away with either insulting you or shaming you or belittling you by saying, I didn't mean it like that or you're taking it the wrong way. And the reason I say that is because it has increased. Not only has it increased, but you're noticing it. It's one thing to hear it every now and then, it's another thing to hear it over and over again. That's the point where you realize something else is going on. Something else is on his mind. This is my personal reply to you, not my professional reply. My professional reply might be, well, it's possible he's experiencing some hurt or anger and he's saying things in a way without expressing what he really means. We could explore that, we could analyze that. But really what it comes down to is he's just being a jerk. He's just being hurtful and awful. Like if I said something to my wife and she took it the wrong way, yes. I might say like, no, that's not what I meant, and then explain it. But I wouldn't want her to feel bad for not taking it the way I intended. Because in order for her to understand the way I intended, I would have to explain it the way I intended without getting offended. And what I mean is, when you get offended because somebody didn't take it the right way, something else is under that. Something is under that offended feeling. Which is why if he's doing this over and over again, there's a little bit of anger or resentment in there. And that's what I'm getting from your message. So when he says, no, that's not what I meant, it does sound like that's what he meant. Again, this is my personal reply. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. But when I see this kind of reaction in someone like this happens in emotionally abusive relationships where they'll say, oh, you're just Being too sensitive. You're so sensitive, you take everything the wrong way. You take everything personally. When I hear that, that is someone being insensitive to the sensitivities of the other. So when I hear somebody talking like, I didn't mean it like that and that's not what I meant, and you took it the wrong way, it's the same idea, it's the same formula. Because you're getting frustrated, you're getting. You're scratching your head trying to figure out what he does mean. And he is offended that he can't explain himself. That just doesn't sound like a loving, supportive, kind, caring thing that a partner would do. They would say, no, no, that's not what I meant. This is what I meant. So there's something definitely underneath what's going on there? And it would be great to find out. And I'm gonna give you a maybe a good response or two that you can use when he says something like that. But it's important to understand that there is something else under there because the frustration level sounds like it has risen. And so he's either not being direct and just wants to continue coming at you with whatever he's saying first and then saying, no, that's not what I meant. Like, wow, that dress is really wide. And you say, what do you mean? You're saying that I'm fat? And he says, no, that's not what I meant. It's possible that he's saying that the dress is too big on you. Yes, little misunderstandings like that are, you know, that makes sense. But if more and more comments like that keep coming out, especially if they are around very similar things, the way you look, the way you talk, you are, you've been out of work. And there are a lot of passive aggressive comments about that or whatever. If they're very similar in nature, then they probably are pointing at something that he's not saying. And so that's important. You want to find out, okay, this is one thing that you can say. You could say, look, you've been telling me this a lot. What's going on? That's a good question. He might say, what do you mean, what's going on? You're just misunderstanding me. And then the follow up to that would be, okay, I'm misunderstanding you. Help me understand what's going on. Get into that deeper conversation and say things like, you've never been this way before, you've not done this before, and you are saying this quite a bit. So I want to talk about this I want to clear it up so I don't misunderstand. Help me understand. That is one approach. The goal is to find out what's under there if you can. And it's also helpful to figure out if something has changed or happened in the last few months. To think about that and ask yourself if he's just not being honest. Because what happens when we don't express ourselves as it comes out in other destructive ways? I mean, if you have something to say about someone, what they did, and you feel angry, you feel upset, but you don't say it, and maybe you don't want to make the other person upset themselves, maybe you don't want to make them feel bad. You might come up with passive aggressive ways to make them feel bad without being. I mean, this is what the definition is. Without being direct. Which is why it's important to have a direct conversation. What is going on? You've been doing this. I know something's going on. I had to say that to my wife when we first met. I know something is going on. You've been upset for a few days now. Something is wrong. Talk to me, even if you can't explain it. That's what I had to do. I said, I don't know what it is, but there's something different. There's something wrong. You don't look at me. You haven't kissed me. What? What is going on? And she finally came up with it. She finally said it. And it was something that we could work out right away. And it was great. We could work it out. And then from that point on, it changed. So sometimes we need to have that, what feels like a hard conversation. Tell me what's going on. This isn't like you. We should be able to have these kinds of conversations with people in our lives, the people that we love. What is going on? Because this isn't like you. And then you have a conversation. Now, if you have that conversation and he gets more upset, then we know clearly there's something else. There's something bigger inside of him that he is not saying. I mean, I'm telling you this, there's something bigger because if he gets upset, that tells me that there is a bigger wall of defense coming up. Instead of saying, yeah, I want to work this out too. I want to fix this because I love you and I love us and I want us to get, get along and have wonderful days together. Not this stress and tension because a, quote, healthy, normal couple wants to work things out. The one who doesn't want to work things out and just becomes defensive and just points the finger at you. Something else, something bigger is not being said. And that's when it needs to come out. It needs to be talked about. Because that's not natural or normal in a, quote, normal, healthy relationship, to talk, continue to make someone feel bad. Because I'm sure when he says, you don't understand me, you're misunderstanding me, that he sees your face, he sees you back down, he sees that you're not happy. And when I see my wife is not happy, I feel unhappy. I feel bad in the moment, maybe we're arguing, then I might not feel bad. But later on, like, no more than an hour, I'm gonna talk to her again. I'm gonna make sure that we're on good terms and apologize. If I said something and she apologizes to me, and we actually have a great conversation and we move past it, but we bring it out in the open, we put it on the table, and that's important. So I told you I was gonna give you maybe a response or two when he says these things, like, I didn't mean it like that, or that's not what I meant. So even before it gets to that point, because you're probably having responses to his comments or something he says or does, you're probably responding in a way that opens the door for him to say this. And so before it ever gets there, when you see this door open, because you probably are starting to realize when it happens, even with simple, benign things, I would suggest that you ask the question, do you mean X meaning, do you mean that I look fat in this dress? I'll use that example. Is that what you meant? And you say it, you know, not with any anger or upset. You're just trying to clarify, do you mean that? And if he says, no, no, no, I don't mean that at all. Okay, well, what do you mean? Before I misinterpret it, what do you mean specifically? I mean one of the things that, if he's being passive aggressive, one of the things that passive aggressive people do not like is the question, what do you mean by that? So if he says something that sounds passive aggressive before it even gets to this point that you explained, if something sounds passive aggressive, ask the question, what do you mean by that? So you can ask the question, did you mean X? Or what did you mean by that? Or what do you mean by that? So that you get clarification. But the passive aggressive person does not like to clarify. So if he is being passive Aggressive and he is holding back what he really wants to say or something that's been bothering him or whatever. What do you mean by that? Is a good question. Because that will usually squash any passive aggressive behaviors. Because passive aggressive people don't want to be direct. They want to hold back and try to convey their emotions without you knowing they're trying to convey their emotions. So they want to convey upset towards you. They don't want to say, I'm upset at you. They want to be either sarcastic or passive aggressive. And it makes sense that if they're passive aggressive and then say, that's not what I meant, that they're trying to cover what they just did. So by asking the question, what do you mean by that? Before it even escalates to that point, if you can catch it in time, you got to catch the passive aggressive comment first. And you can usually catch that by a feeling that you have, like, oh, that didn't feel very good. So instead of responding after that feeling and saying something, you know, like, why would you say that to me? And then he says, well, that's not what I meant. So try not to have that response. Instead, ask the question. You know, be curious. This is a place to explore. Like when you feel something bad after he says something that's probably passive aggressive, you ask the question, what did you mean by that? Or did you mean X? And then if he says, no, no, no, that's not what I meant, then dig a little bit. Because what happens with passive aggressive people? And I'm just making the assumption that he's being passive aggressive. But what usually happens is if he's being passive aggressive is they'll say something and the other person won't dig enough, they won't be curious enough. And then the moment passes by and it doesn't come up again until the next passive aggressive comment. And that moment needs to be explored. And passive aggressive people don't like that. They don't want you to explore what they just said. They don't want you to dig into what they just said. And so that could be an approach that you want to start thinking about and just, you know, you're not being upset about it, you're just asking the question and expect some resistance. But the goal is to squash the passive aggressive behavior completely. Because if he's always passive aggressive and you're always asking, what did you mean by that? He's going to soon realize that passive aggressive behavior is not beneficial. So there's that part. Now the other thing that you can say if it goes to that point where he says, well, that's not what I meant, and you took it the wrong way, then this is where you try to get another direct answer in the opposite direction, which means he has to commit to what he's saying. And what I mean by that is, let's just say that that's not what I meant. You took it the wrong way. And then you can ask the question, okay, what way should I have taken it? Instead of saying, well, I didn't know what you meant, or, I'm sorry I took it that way. Don't. Don't say, I'm sorry. Don't say anything like that. Just ask the question, what way should I have taken it? You know, again, don't be upset. Just be direct. What way should I have taken it? And at this point, he has to face the music. Meaning, let's just say I'm just going to throw this out there. It may be 100% false that we'll use this example that he really wants to say, you're gaining a lot of weight and I'm not attracted to you anymore. So he says something like, that dress looks really wide on you. And you react and say, what do you mean? Are you saying that I don't look good anymore? Because you might have that response? So you have that response. And he says, no, no, no, that's not what I meant at all. Trying to protect himself. Because if he really meant that you're gaining weight and he doesn't like it and he doesn't want to say that, then let's just say that that's how it went. So he says, no, no, that's not what I meant. You're taking it the wrong way. Then just stop a moment and ask him, okay, how should I take it? Then? That's drilling into his response. Again, the whole point, if you can't remember these specific words that I'm saying, the whole point is to get direct with a passive person, because passive people don't like to be direct. Oh, okay. Well, I took it that way. So what way did you mean it? And he might lie, he might tell the truth, but, you know, if he's trying to hide something, he might say something like, well, I just mean that the dress is too big for you because it's not fitting you right. Oh, that's what you meant? Well, okay, thank you for that. And now he has to face the fact that every time you want clarity on something, he has to either come up with a lie or be truthful. And it will be difficult for him because A passive aggressive people don't like to be direct and B passive aggressive people are hoping to get away with what they just said because they're usually conflict averse and C, because passive people don't like direct questioning or diving into the subject that they're trying to hide from, they're unlikely to continue doing the behavior much longer because if you've discovered how to become direct with them and get them to talk, whether the full truth or a lie or whatever, they don't want to have to face that. So typically they will back off and they might find some other way to put you down or whatever they're doing, but they will typically back off and not do that behavior anymore because now you have a resource, a tool to use when they do it. And so yeah, I think there's something going on here that he's not speaking up about. And who knows what it is? You know, maybe he's becoming forgetful and he doesn't want you to know that he's less of a man. You know, I'm just throwing that out there. Some people feel less like themselves if they become forgetful and they start hiding what they're forgetting from others and they are making things up like this, who knows? But that's why it's important to really dive into it and get direct with anyone who's being passive aggressive. And again, I'm guessing that he's being passive aggressive. But personally, yes, professionally I would have to explore that further. So I hope that's helpful. I hope you don't have to deal with that anymore, but I have a feeling you're going to have to until you figure things out or have him dive deeper into what's going on so that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Cuz that doesn't sound like very much fun and I definitely don't want you to feel that way. Thanks for writing and I'm going to end the show. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain. I want to thank the patrons of the week, Deborah and Tammy and Soup. Always, always grateful for you and thank you so much for your, your patronage, your donations. Soup said. Listening to the episode about being stuck, I felt hopeful, I felt about upcoming changes in my life. Your voice and ideas are a guide and companion. I'm very grateful for what you do. I'm very grateful for you. Thank you so much for always sending me a kind word and sending me messages. And of course you show your support and I am so grateful thank you everyone for listening and thank you to the patrons for giving. And I'm so glad that you found value in the show and you wanted to give back and you can do that. If you are listening now and you want to give back, head over to MoreToB.com and there are options to do that over there. Thank you again. And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and abuse over@loveandabuse.com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, I have a program that helps a lot of people heal over@HealedBeing.com that is where you can stop the difficult behaviors like passive aggressiveness and of course the deeper stuff like control and manipulation and emotionally abusive behaviors. Again, that's over@HealedBeing.com and with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions. Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want. Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure. And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you. You are amazing. Sam. Sa.