The Overwhelmed Brain: “The Five Words That Will Change Your Life”

Host: Paul Colaianni
Air Date: December 28, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Paul Colaianni zeros in on a deceptively simple but transformative phrase: “That doesn’t work for me.” He argues that these five words empower you to establish boundaries, honor your values, and unlock real change—especially in the face of relationship and emotional challenges. Through detailed listener questions and stories, Paul demonstrates how shifting from passive wishing to active boundary setting allows for genuine self-respect, growth, and healing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Five Transformative Words: “That Doesn’t Work for Me”

• Timestamp: [01:00]
• Paul introduces the episode’s central idea—using “That doesn’t work for me” (and its variations) as a life-changing tool for boundary setting, self-advocacy, and actionable change.
• What It Means:
  • It’s a clear boundary statement, signaling to yourself and others that something is unacceptable.
  • It shifts your mindset from passively hoping for change (“I wish things were different”) to actively moving toward it.
  • Instills a sense of responsibility and agency to make changes as needed.
• Notable Quote:

  “That’s not going to work for me is action, and I wish or hope things were different is inaction, stagnation.” – Paul ([03:24])

• He emphasizes that while this phrase is simple, its real power is in fueling the next steps, whether that’s a conversation or life change.

2. Setting Boundaries: From Passive Hope to Active Decision

• Timestamp: [04:40]
• Paul discusses the psychological and practical difference between wishing things were different versus saying something doesn’t work and doing something about it.
• Action vs. Inaction:
  • Inaction: “I wish this were different” leads to no change and maintains the status quo.
  • Action: “That doesn’t work for me” prompts planning, conversation, and change.
• Practical Use:
  • “You have boundaries you don’t even know are there sometimes... and sometimes you do know and you don’t say anything.” ([01:50])
  • The phrase is both an “action affirmation” and a command to your subconscious: time to plan and change.

3. Listener Question #1: Disconnection in Marriage

• Timestamp: [10:35]
• A listener describes feeling lonely as his wife increasingly spends time away; he feels their bond fading.
• Paul’s Advice:
  • Stop asking accusatory questions. Instead, share your feelings: “I miss you,” “I want to spend time with you,” etc.
  • Approach from self-reflection, not accusation, to avoid defensiveness.
  • Start the conversation with, “This isn’t working for me,” internally first, then use “I feel” statements outwardly.
• Notable Quote:

  “Sharing what you miss, sharing what you feel is my approach...Instead of saying, ‘Why are you out all the time?’ That’s accusatory, it puts someone on the defensive.” – Paul ([13:20])

• The real work is letting your partner see your feelings and then noticing her true response—if she doesn’t care to change, that’s crucial information.

4. Listener Story #2: Leaving a Narcissistic, Emotionally Immature Partner

• Timestamp: [20:10]
• Listener thanks Paul for helping them leave a 25-year emotionally abusive relationship.
• Paul’s Reflection:
  • Gives credit back: The listener acted because “this didn’t work anymore.”
  • Repeats that recognizing “this doesn’t work for me” is often the critical turning point for exiting deeply entrenched unhealthy dynamics.
• Notable Quote:

  “Even in a long-term relationship with somebody who mistreats you…when you have exhausted all the conversations and they’re not going to change, that’s when you might have to make a different choice for yourself.” – Paul ([23:15])

5. Listener Story #3: Gaslighting & Healing After Emotional Abuse

• Timestamp: [24:20]
• Person endures years of being demeaned, called names, and subjected to the silent treatment, finally seeking therapy and leaving.
• Paul’s Breakdown:
  • Explains the “emotional abuse fog”—why victims often cling to hope for the abuser’s love, and why this dissipates over months after separation.
  • Reminds listeners: If someone’s main behavior is to make you feel worthless and unloved, this isn’t love.
  • On Trauma Bonding:
    • Abusers make you feel terrible so that you seek validation back from them, deepening dependence.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Remember, in a romantic relationship, someone’s supposed to love and support you…you should feel good with the person that you’re with, not constantly feeling bad.” – Paul ([28:45]) “After two to four months, typically…your thoughts change automatically. You don’t have to think about it.” ([34:10])

• Personal Story: Paul shares about his mother—a poignant example of the fog lifting after leaving a 40-year abusive marriage.
• Reassurance:
  • Healing takes time, but “the fog lifts” and new, healthier thoughts emerge.

6. Listener Question #4: Walking on Eggshells with OCD Partner

• Timestamp: [38:02]
• A decade-long relationship marred by criticism, nitpicking, no intimacy, and walking on eggshells.
• Paul’s Response:
  • Plant the seed: “This isn’t working for me” is the beginning of any real change.
  • Relates his own experience: Staying in a relationship for too long can blunt self-awareness about what’s healthy or not.
  • Change starts with you, especially when the other person refuses to do so.

  “If your partner won’t change, you need to change. And that doesn’t mean you need to adapt and become more resilient to his abusive behavior.”—Paul ([42:15])

  • Emphasizes: When you realize, “this doesn’t work for me,” take steps, however painful—be that healing, leaving, or seeking support.
• Warning: If safety is a concern, prioritize protection over confrontation.
• Notable Quote:

  “You are worthy, you are lovable, you are important, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.”—Paul ([45:45])

7. The Hard Truth: Acceptance, Agency, and Responsibility

• Timestamp: [47:59]
• Not all difficult dynamics can be fixed—sometimes your only power is to change yourself.
• Distinguishing between hoping for change (which keeps you stuck) and committing to change (which frees you).
• Real transformation begins by accepting, “This is who they are, this is how things are…what can I do next?”

Memorable Quotes

• “That doesn’t work for me is action, and I wish or hope things were different is inaction, stagnation.” – [03:24]
• “Plant the seed: ‘This isn’t working for me’ is the beginning of any real change.” – [38:10]
• “You are worthy, you are lovable, you are important, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.” – [45:45]
• “Acceptance that sometimes we just have to say this is who they are. If something is going to change, I need to take steps to make a change.” – [48:52]

Key Timestamps & Segments

• [01:00] – Introduction of “that doesn’t work for me” as a life-changing boundary
• [03:24] – Action vs. Inaction explanation
• [10:35] – Addressing disconnection in marriage; advice to share feelings instead of accusations
• [20:10] – Story of leaving an emotionally immature narcissist
• [24:20] – Leaving and healing from emotional abuse; understanding trauma bonds
• [38:02] – Walking on eggshells in a relationship; the mandate for self-change
• [45:45] – Reminders of self-worth
• [47:59] – The necessity of acceptance and self-agency

Tone & Style

Paul’s approach is compassionate, realistic, and frank. He avoids platitudes, instead anchoring every message in practical steps and honest self-reflection. The language is direct but empathetic, fostering a sense of encouragement and understanding for listeners at any stage of their healing journey.

Summary Takeaways

• “That doesn’t work for me” is a powerful statement of self-worth and boundary, setting you on a path of action rather than passivity.
• Healthy relationships require clear boundaries; if issues persist, change must begin with you.
• Healing from emotional abuse takes time, but clarity, self-compassion, and stepping out of the “fog” are possible.
• You cannot control or fix others; you can only choose your own direction and wellbeing.
• Self-worth is foundational: “You are worthy, you are lovable, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

If you are feeling stuck, in pain, or uncertain, start by bravely asking:
“Does this work for me? If not, what is my next step?”