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Lowe's official Partner of the NFL these are my personal opinions Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well being. What if you can't get closure to an argument? That was the question that I received recently, and it was regarding an episode that I did called Am I really the problem? Episode number 602 February 2020 8th, 20205 person said. There are so many points from that episode that have to do or applicable to my current marriage that I plan to keep on mind going forward. And one loop that you opened that you didn't close or at least I don't think you closed, was a current problem that my wife and I face is that we'll have an argument and we'll talk through the issue and then everything calms down and goes back to normal. And then there's often not a conclusion and it can feel like an airing of grievances. Neither she or I ever go back to what the argument was about after things calm down and she is wholly opposed to going to therapy. So I'm left with attempting to try things on my own. Do you have any advice on how to seek closure or a conclusion to an argument? I want to thank that person for writing that and I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. I feel your pain. I don't necessarily deal with that myself, but I feel your pain in the argument sense because I hate arguing. I think a lot of us, just who likes to argue with the person that we want to spend quality time with. And it happens, though, when we get into a romantic relationship, when we have even a long friendship or even a work friendship, work relationship, you just get into arguments. And then you'll be trying to argue your point and trying to get your point out there so that they finally understand. I mean, look at the political debates. I want to tell you my point. And this is why you're wrong. And this is why I'm right. The political stuff is all about values. What I value, this is what I value. This is what I'm voting for. And you're not the same. So I either don't like you or we're going to have a friendly debate or something in the middle. But values are what drive us to have these kind of conversations, heated debates. And when your values vary with the other person, this kind of stuff can happen, these arguments can take place. And just a real quick definition of value or a value is what's important to you. So what's important to you about your relationship? I have a feeling you're not going to say arguing. I have a feeling you're not going to say. It's important that they see that I'm right and that they're wrong and that they listen to me and just shut their mouth. Hopefully that's not a value of yours. Because a relationship like that will go downhill in two seconds or at least two months. Because sometimes it can last longer than it should. Because if you're with somebody who refuses to take responsibility, refuses to say they're wrong ever, that's not going to go well. A relationship like that usually has a lot of stress, a lot of tension, and one person always believing they're right, never apologizing, and the other person will apologize and will back off and will be vulnerable and will express that relationship usually doesn't work because why? It takes two. It takes two to balance the seesaw. And if one person is never wrong in their mind, meaning they believe it 100%, but you know they're wrong, there's no point in arguing with them because they won't give in, they won't compromise, they won't see your side, it doesn't matter. So if this person who wrote to me is arguing with somebody like that, that won't get you anywhere. If that's how they are, you, you're not going to get anywhere with them. So I can't help you fix that. They need to come to that place on their own. Realizing that if they never give in, they never compromise, they never sympathize or empathize or see your side at all, then the love and connection or any type of connection that you have will disintegrate. So I'm assuming that this person who wrote to me isn't in that kind of situation. They're probably just having what a lot of us have had regular arguments with people that we care about. The problem this person is having is that there's no closure to these arguments. So they carry forward. And there's one thing that this person said that really stuck out to me, which is it feels like an airing of grievances. When I read that, I'm going to say I'm 99% sure, 99.9% sure that there's underlying issues that haven't been taken care of yet. When you are just airing grievances, you do this, then you do that, and you never pick up after yourself. That is just not going to go anywhere. First of all, there's just too many things to talk about. And if you address one thing, it's going to go to the next thing. Well, you never pick up your socks. Well, you never make the bed. Well, you don't do the dishes, you, whatever. It just goes on and on and it never gets anywhere. So airing grievances, yeah, totally pointless. It's a futile effort. And it doesn't ever get closure because grievances themselves are typically a way to give emotion inside. Repressed emotions and suppressed thoughts are given a voice through grievances. So if somebody lists all these grievances about you, there's something else going on underneath at a deeper level. And what I found is that when that deeper level issue hasn't been resolved, everything else is a problem. This is why I talk about values sometimes. If you don't meet your top values, then everything else is a problem. So it's very similar in comparison to that, where let's just say that I expect or hope for respect and kindness and humor and integrity, honesty, all that stuff in a relationship. But let's just say that I couldn't meet or my partner couldn't meet three or four of those. Then all the other values on my list, like maybe the same political views, maybe it'd be great if they dressed up every day, which is not on my list, but if they dressed up every day and looked sharp or looked attractive, maybe they should do their hair every day. Whatever it is, those values are just kind of in the background and those are would be nices but let's just say that I had some top level values and one of them was honesty. And they tend to lie to me. So now I have a value that isn't being met. And if they tend to lie to me, do I really care if they dress up or make up or whatever the other values are on my list, do I really care? Because honesty isn't being met. And if your top level values aren't being met, the rest of it typically falls apart and doesn't make up for it. I talk about this in my Stop Self Sabotage workbook. And if you're interested, you can go to theoverwhelmbbrain.com and you'll see it over there in the deeper learning section. But the point is, you will not be as happy as you could be or happy at all when you are with somebody who doesn't meet your topmost values. There are compromises that we can make. Like, okay, they don't meet my value of always laughing at every one of my jokes, so I can compromise on that. If they laugh out of 1 out of 10 jokes, great, I'm on a roll, so I will compromise on that. Or, you know, again, just giving you examples. But when they don't meet some very important values to you, then things start to fall apart. There's no good foundation to build upon, and so the rest of it does tend to fall apart. Now, what does this have to do with arguments and heated debates and things like that with somebody you care about? It's kind of the inverse where you have something on your mind from way back when that hasn't been resolved yet. And, and if you don't resolve that, everything else will fall apart. So in an argument, if there's a lot of, if there are a lot of grievances aired, there's typically a top level issue or the deepest issue that hasn't been resolved yet and that will make the rest of it fall apart. There's no foundation. There's no emotionally stable foundation for which to have a heated debate or an argument. Two people must at least. And let's just talk about romantic relationships. Two people in a romantic relationship must have a solid emotional foundation in order to have productive arguments. So if you don't have that, if there's some underlying issue that hasn't been addressed, you will very likely not get anywhere with your arguments because everything that's being spewed out in the moment isn't about what's really going on. Because what's really going on is that thing you're not talking about that happened five years ago that you still haven't resolved. That's still under your skin. For example, let me give you a good example is a man gets upset that his partner, his wife, whoever has talked to her ex and let's just say they had a fight about it or a conversation about it. And she says, you know, talking, talking to my ex is no big deal, but the man is kind of jealous, maybe possessive or maybe immature. I'm calling some people out here, I know that was me a long time ago, but let's just say that they had an argument about it. You're talking to your ex and I thought we had an agreement that we wouldn't talk to our exes or something like that, which is pretty immature. Sorry again, calling you out if you're out there listening. But the point is they had an argument about it and let's just say they didn't reach closure. Well, I don't want you talking to your ex anymore. And she says, okay, fine, I won't talk to him anymore and let's just get past this. But there's no closure there. She still feels like I should be able to talk to anybody I want because I'm an individual with my own independence and I should be able to make adult decisions for myself. So she has these thoughts and feelings that she wants validated. She wants the other person to understand. She wants the other person to say, you know, you're right, you have every right to talk to anybody you want. And that would validate her and it might help them both get past the issue. Okay, you talked about it, you yelled about it, you went back and forth about it. And when the other person says, you know, you're right, I probably should back off and let you do that. I mean, if that's where it needs to go. But that's closure. That's what I mean by closure. You reach an agreement where there's no emotional energy left or at least negative emotional energy left that hangs around or lingers. Because this is what happens in a lot of present day arguments is that we are bringing the lingering emotions and the lingering thoughts into the next argument. And what's worse is that it can compound. So now we have something from five years ago and something from four and a half years ago and something from two years ago. And so we have all this stuff that's building up. And now when we have an argument today, we're talking about unrelated things, we're yelling back and forth about the dirty dishes when it's really about? Well, that time you talked to your ex. And I'm still angry about that. When we haven't closed that first loop, it stays open so that the second and third and fourth, the compounding occurs so that it never gets closed. And then soon. And this happens a lot. Five, 10, 15 years down the road. You don't even remember that you still have that open loop inside you from 15 years ago. And your current arguments are built on that foundation of anger or tension or stress. All these thoughts and feelings that we bring forward into every conversation that we have, even the nice ones, hey, I love you very much. It was so nice to spend the day with you. That sounds like a very kind, caring thing to say from a happy, supportive place or a happy connecting place. And that can still have those lingering thoughts and emotions, those negative lingering thoughts and emotions from a decade or two back or however long the relationship is. And this happens even when you bring this stuff into a new relationship. You can have a new relationship and get mad at seeing somebody do something that you don't like, but you're holding onto it from childhood. You're holding on to something that upset you, that you haven't processed and released in yourself. And so you bring it forward and it lingers. And you walk around with these lingering thoughts and emotions, these unresolved, unhealed thoughts and emotions. Relationships, they come out in different ways because you create new, I'm not going to say trauma responses, but they're sort of like that. Like if you had that argument that. I'll use that as an example again, if that person had a conversation with their ex and the husband says, you shouldn't be having that conversation with your ex. Now there's a little bit of. Again, this is probably not the best term for this, but a little bit of a trauma response inside, like an emotional trigger is formed. So they have a trauma response. Again, don't quote me on that, but let's just say it's a traumatic moment for that person. And in that moment, an emotional trigger is formed. That emotional trigger carries forward. Back in 1995 or so, I was dealing with depression and I felt lost on how to get better. Therapy was expensive, but I knew I had to invest in my mental health no matter the cost. And you know what? It changed my life. Looking back on how much I paid then, I wish I had today's sponsor, BetterHelp, because they make therapy so much more accessible and affordable. Today, with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save up to 50% per session compared to traditional in person therapy. You pay one flat fee for unlimited weekly sessions, saving big on cost and time. Over 30,000 therapists and having served 5 million people, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. It's convenient to join sessions with a click. They make it easier to fit therapy into your busy life and you can switch therapists at any time. Therapy shouldn't feel like a luxury. With BetterHelp you get quality care at a price that makes sense. Whether you're dealing with anxiety, stress, or just want to be your best self, your mental health is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com brain today and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.com brain these emotional triggers that form from these little trauma moments that we have always carry forward until we process and release them. And then we may forget about, or we may forget how they started, we may forget about what happened that caused it, why we're angry in the first place. I mean, I used to get upset for reasons that had nothing to do with the person that I was with and everything to do with something that happened when I was sick. So we carry forward these old traumas, or whatever you want to call them, these significant emotional events that have occurred in our lives and until we heal, process, release them, they turn up in every conversation and they turn into arguments with people that we love that are nothing about what's really happening. Okay, so you're mad that my socks are on the floor. Why are you so mad about that? Because I'm trying to keep a clean house. Okay, so my socks are on the floor. If somebody comes over, I'll pick them up. Yes, but I want a clean house. If somebody walks in the door and they see that, they're going to think badly of us. Okay. It's not that big a deal though. So why, why is it upsetting you so much? And if you had a conversation like that, which probably wouldn't go that well, it really depends on how you argue. But it might get to the point where the person who is upset about the socks on the floor isn't feeling respected, isn't feeling loved, isn't feeling trusted, I mean, these are top level values maybe to this person. So if you're arguing about the socks and they have a top level value that they want to feel trusted by the person they're with, and the person they're arguing with is saying it's no big deal, let's just leave them there and then we can pick them up if somebody comes along, or I'll pick them up when I go to bed or whatever. But the person who's upset that the socks are there doesn't feel, let's just say, trusted, meaning, you know, in this case, they might say, I don't feel trusted because this is what I want. Why can't you just trust me when I say this is what I want? Why can't you just trust me? That I have reasons to say that, that my reasons are valid. Why can't you trust me? That might be in there. And then there's the respect part. Like, why can't you respect what I want? Like, I want a clean house. Why can't you respect that? So it can come down to some deeper level value like that as well that exists. And when we argue we are hitting on other people's values. And it may have nothing to do with what you're really talking about. Like, I must always pick up my socks. Because what's going to happen is it's not just about your socks. It's not just about that. You also left some garbage on the table. You also didn't dust the TV like I told you to. You also. And there are all the grievances, but what do all of those have in common? Sometimes we can find out a common thread. All of this has in common that every time I tell you to do something and you haven't done it and you don't do it in the future, makes me feel like you don't care about me. Makes me feel like you don't love me. You know, if it's a romantic relationship, makes me feel like you don't respect me. And if you don't respect me, what am I doing here? I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't respect me. The other person might say, yeah, but it just sucks. It's just a little dust. It's just this, it's just that. And then that person might think you're micromanaging me. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I do, I try to do this right. And then you find something else. Nothing I do satisfies you. Nothing that might be. I know. That sounds like a real argument, doesn't it? That sounds like an argument that so many people have had, or maybe you have had, and it goes nowhere. Those arguments go nowhere because again, they're just a laundry list of what the other person's not doing right or the other person's not doing enough of. But there is either a common thread, like every time this happens, I feel disrespected, I feel unloved, I feel untrusted, I feel unworthy. Like, you make me feel worthless. And the person who feels like they're being micromanaged, they might say, you nag and nitpick and there's nothing I can do to satisfy you. But if that person tried to see the common thread, okay, they're nagging and nitpicking because something else bigger than what we're talking about is more important. What is more important for my wife, Asha? She loves a clean house. And we don't do it very often. We're not filthy, but we don't pick up the clutter. And sometimes we do some. You know, it's good to have guests over, because then it's a great excuse to clean. We have no choice then. And I've learned that she loves not only a clean house, but an organized house. Because disorganization and clutter, they mess with her mind. They are thorns in her brain. When she walks into a room full of clutter, she can't even concentrate. And we've had to go through periods of a lot of clutter. Mostly, she makes her own clutter. I have clutter here and there. But her nemesis is paperwork. So she can lay all this paperwork on the table, on the floor, and it'll drive her crazy, and it'll be there for weeks, and then she'll finally pick it up and she'll feel so much better. She really, really functions in a clean environment. So, for example, I do the dishes every day. I either wash them by hand or put them in the dishwasher. One way or the other, I'm cleaning up that part of the kitchen. I clean all the dishes off the counter, and I make sure that it is clean to prepare food so that when she comes in, it's all clean. You know what that does for me, for her to be happy that the kitchen is clean? It changes my life. When she is happy about something, it doesn't become a point of contention. And that's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because somebody has to do it. And she's not going to do it. She's always busy doing something else. But she takes care of a lot of other stuff. So I have chosen. I volunteered to do the dishes every day. Plus, it's a nice time for me to meditate. And I'll put my little screen on the windowsill as I do it. So I'll listen to something or watch something on my phone. And so I enjoy that time. I've learned to enjoy it. But I clean up all this area of the kitchen and she loves it. And when you make somebody that you love happy, they are usually happier. They are usually not wanting to argue with you. And this isn't a normal, healthy relationship. If it's a toxic relationship or an emotionally abusive relationship, this scenario is completely different. There are manipulations and schemes and controlling things. And that's not what we're doing here. But that's what I like to do, is to make sure that I'm doing my best to meet some values of hers. If she likes organization, if she likes clean, then I'm going to do my best to help her meet those values. I'm not doing to avoid arguments. I'm doing it because I care. I love her and I want her to be happy. That's not necessarily my resolve for this. I'm not giving you that as a solution. The person who wrote to me or anyone listening that needs to hear this. But it does help. It does help. If you've had arguments that don't have any resolution to understand what they value at a deeper level so that you don't have these arguments about grievances. If you understand what needs somebody is trying to meet in themselves, then grievances don't become an issue. Because what happens in the beginning of the, for example, a romantic relationship. What happens at the beginning of a romantic relationship is that the little stuff is cute. Oh, they leave their socks on the floor. That's so cute. Maybe not to everyone, but you know what I mean. The little nuances, the little quirks about them that were cute in the beginning become annoying and irritating later. But those annoyances and irritations can have a foundation of one or more issues that created an emotional trigger in the moment that was never resolved. And now the quirks and irritations aren't cued anymore because you have developed a different perception of them or they have developed a different perception of you. And that perception has a negative undertone to it or overtone. There's negativity in that perception, and that can help strengthen a negative foundation that lingers into future conversations and arguments. So my suggestion for the person who wrote to me, what I suggest you do is ask yourself what happened in the past? When did the negativity start? When did the lingering start, those lingering negative emotions and emotional triggers where from that point on, since it sounds like maybe that hasn't been resolved, where you have had these arguments that have gone nowhere, that maybe if you resolve that. Maybe if you brought that up, not during the argument, but maybe if you considered bringing it up again, as painful as it might be, or you might not want to talk about it, you might not want to bring up this old past thing because maybe you didn't get a resolution and that's why it's been an issue and that's why you've been having these arguments. But maybe if you bring it up and say, you know, when we talked about that thing and I got mad that day, or you got mad that day, I just want to say what. Where I go is straight to an apology, whether it's your fault or not. And what I mean by that is we don't have to apologize for what we believe we didn't do wrong, but we can apologize for how we made them feel. You could say, I'm sorry that I said those words that hurt you. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. That wasn't my intention. Or if you did do something wrong and you haven't admitted to it, or if you can take responsibility for your role in what happened back then. That is. You say, I gave you a lot of crap about talking to your ex. And I realized how immature that was. I'm realizing it now how immature that was. And I was just thinking about it and I wanted to bring it up and I just wanted to apologize about it. I'm so sorry. Because I know it made you, or at least I believe it made you, feel that I didn't trust you. And I do trust you. Again, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to bring that up and let you know because it was on my mind. I know I make it sound easy, but what I'm trying to do is tackle the origin of what's lingering inside one or both of you. It's important that you tackle where it started. If it's still in there. You have to resolve that. Because grievances are. You can talk about those all day long. They're never ending. There will be something that you can find annoying and irritating and a problem. There's always something you can find as a problem. But problems aren't as big when the foundational emotional challenges that you've had in the past are resolved and at least talked about, at least reached a point of resolution in some way, shape or form where they are never brought up again because they are resolved or at least when they're brought up again. There's no angst, there's no sadness, there's no trigger that is Associated with. With what you're talking about. That's when you know when something is resolved, when the trigger has decreased to the point where you barely feel it because you're just talking about it. As a matter of fact. Oh, yeah, when that thing happened. Oh, yeah, we had a big argument about it. Yeah, I'm so glad we got past that. That's a lot different than saying, oh, yeah, that thing. Yeah, I'm still thinking about that. I'm still thinking about that thing, and I don't want to talk about it. All right. It lingers after that. It lingers. So that's what I find. Like the person who wrote to me. Thank you for sharing all that. I'm sorry you're going through this, but that's what I have found, is that when there are a lot of petty things or a lot of grievances that don't really seem to be that important, but they're huge issues, then it's either one of two things. One, there's some value or some need that that person doesn't feel is fulfilled. Like if it's a trust issue or a respect issue or whatever. Whatever is important to them. And when they express themselves to you and you don't meet that need or value inside them, that may never get resolved. So that might be happening. In order to resolve that, you can ask yourself, what do all these things have in common? If I don't pick up my socks, if I don't take out the garbage, does this person feel disrespected? Do they feel untrusted? Do they feel unworthy? Whatever it is, just find a common thread there. And two is what we just talked about something happened in the past that hasn't been resolved. And sometimes I understand, sometimes it's very difficult to get to that. If they never shared or you never shared with them what they were upset about or what you were upset about, if you were upset about something 10 years ago and you never resolved it with them, you never talked about it with them, it never reached closure inside your mind. And you get into a lot of arguments and they don't know that you're still holding on to this thing from 10 years ago, it may never end. And let's just say that they are holding on to something that they never told you about. That's when you might have to dig a little deeper and say, look, we have these arguments all the time. There must be something else going on. There's some underlying upset that you have toward me or toward us, and I just want to know what's going on. Why does this make you so angry? That's a great question. Why does this make you so upset? Why does this make you so angry? It almost sounds like a start of an argument, doesn't it? But if you really want to know. No, I really want to know. You get angry a lot, and I'm missing something. You might step into that vulnerable space. I'm missing something. It's clear that I'm missing something, because when I do or don't do this thing, you get very angry. So tell me what it is. And if it's just a comment like, oh, I just want a clean house, you might want to find out why somebody might say, well, that's a dumb question. No, it's a really good question. Because if one person wants the clean house and the other person doesn't, it's important for the person who doesn't want the clean house to know why the person who wants the clean house wants it. Why is it important to you to have a clean house? Because when it's clean, I feel better inside myself. There's my wife right there. I feel better inside myself. I feel more organized. I don't have to think about the clutter. It's not in my way. I don't have to worry about tripping over it. I don't have to worry about people walking in. So there's a lot of deeper stuff inside of her that has nothing to do with her pointing the finger at me, saying, you made this mess. You're a jerk. Nothing to do with that. Even though I might have made a mess and I might have been a jerk, I don't know. But it really does go down to a deeper level issue. And that deeper level issue hasn't been addressed. And if I'm not conscientious enough or caring enough even, because this can happen, I don't care if she's upset, whatever. If that happened, that would be a problem in the relationship. But since I don't want that to happen, I want to find out at the deepest level why something bothers her. Only if you have something unresolved. There's always these petty arguments and things like that that we're talking about. If we had unresolved stuff, I would want to know at a deeper level, hey, what's really going on here? You do get upset a lot, and I want to know why. I want to know why that upsets you so much. And we've had conversations like that, and they've been very productive. Because when I find out why she connects with herself. She reflects on what's going on inside of herself that she may not have connected with in the moment, but as we talked about it, she might say, well, it just does this to me because. And then we get somewhere and then we have a bonding moment and it feels really good. And when we get past that, I keep that in my mind. I remember, oh, she gets upset not because somebody might walk in and see those socks on the floor, but because she feels disrespected and unloved at a deeper level.