← The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
Are Kids Trying to Make Us Crazy? Why Kids Do Weird Things
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- [00:01]
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- [01:37]
A
Hey there. If you've ever been a new parent, and I'm guessing most of you have been, you saw your child do something so strange you had to call your pediatrician. Maybe your kid shook their head back and forth and you thought, oh my God, that was totally a seizure or pulled on their ears and you thought maybe she has an ear infection. Pediatricians hear these questions all day long. That's why I have my guest today, Dr. Diane Arnaut, a pediatrician in Fort Worth, Texas, and the author of the new book A Pediatrician Mom's Guide to Surviving your First Year of Parenthood. Her book is all the questions that she hears every single day in her office. She calls it a data driven warm hug for parents, and I know exactly what that means. She understands the science, but also is reassuring. It's different from most parenting books you'll have to see for yourself. You can pick up hiccups and flip to any question that's worrying you and get a Quick answer from someone who has already heard it. And as you'll hear, she's lived it too. Every day with kids is different. You know that one day you're worrying about sleep, the next day it's about feeding. Then it's a rash or behavior or some new habit that suddenly comes out of nowhere. So in this episode, Dr. Arnout and I decided to talk about the weird things that babies and kids do that make parents worry, but that pediatricians recognize as totally normal parts of development. Because honestly, what's better than getting the advice from one pediatrician? Getting it from. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the pediatrician next door. I'm that doctor friend you call for practical advice about your kid's health. I mix the science of medicine with the reality of parenting. Meet Dr. Diane. She's one of those pediatricians who thinks about parenting the same way I do. Like, if the two of us were sitting at a park with a group of other moms, we would have the same combination of relaxed and, and hyper alert that pediatricians often have. We might be totally comfortable letting our kids play on the swings while we chat. But if there's a swimming pool nearby, you would see both of us instantly be laser focused lifeguards scanning the water, waiting for someone to drown. Because pediatricians know something that all parents know. Kids are capable of amazing things and sometimes terrifying things. So Dr. Diane and I are going to walk through some of the quirky, surprising, and sometimes alarming things that kids do. Do you have any favorite silly things that kids or babies do that parents come into the office for it and you're like, oh no, no, no, that's normal. But they're really worried because I have several favorites.
- [04:12]
C
Oh yes, it's, I call them FBMs, funny baby movements. I talk about it all the time in my office. And the one that always makes me giggle is the fake cough of infants because people come in for that and then they look at me and I, you know, when I say it's fake and they say I paid a copay for you to tell me that cough is fake. I love, I love babies and I particularly love the four to nine month old stage. Right. That's when things get fun. But they also get very confusing for a parent who may not have, you know, seen these funky movements and funky behaviors that they've done prior.
- [04:51]
A
I have a couple of those that are my favorites too, and one is the cough. And I think they do it because they think it's fun and they learned how to do it.
- [04:57]
C
Yes. And think like a little person. I made a new sound. I've never heard myself make that. It felt funny in my head and in my body. And then everyone looked at me the minute I did it, and I got attention. And how fun was that? Let me do it again. And if there's a repetitive response to that, oh, my God, it's hilarious.
- [05:15]
A
No, I had a kid who came in and they kept sticking their tongue out. So eight months old, obviously. Right. Kept sticking their tongue out. And the parents were like, it's definitely a seizure. Like, I really need to check her out for a seizure. And then she did it in the office. And I'm like, yeah, she's just. She's getting your attention. She likes that one.
- [05:29]
C
And full disclosure, your girl, Dr. Diane, has actually thought her kid was having a seizure with one of these movements before. Oh, you know how it goes with your own kids. Your doctor brain completely leaves. Every time I put my child, he was nine months old. I'll never forget. Every time I put him in the high chair, he shook his head in the most bizarre way. Like it was a very rhythmic, bizarre eyes fluttering kind of thing. Like, you know, like you can't see it with seizures sometimes, rarely. He did it so much. I videotaped it. And I happened to have a neurologist in my phone, as one does. And I texted that video over to him, tear glistening in my eye, and he texted me back and he said, diane, he's learning how to say no. Turns out that kid was learning, telling me that he didn't want to. He had seen me do it with my head. He was playing. He had nothing else to do because I was locking him into a high chair. And that was always the moment he decided to start shaking his head. And I'll never forget it. It happens to the best of us. Those weird movements are spontaneous and worrisome sometimes.
- [06:33]
A
What about the teeth grinding kids?
- [06:34]
C
Do you get those in your office all the time? And my kids would set off their monitor, you know, like the monitor, the video monitor. Oh, one of my kids, she ground her teeth so hard, it would set that thing off. And, you know, you cringe. Oh, my God. It's like, why do they do it?
- [06:50]
A
Is it self stimulation?
- [06:52]
C
Oh, no, you've got these cool new things in your mouth. And they just showed up a couple days ago, and you hear a sound in your head that's really loud when you clack them together.
- [07:02]
A
Why not?
- [07:02]
C
Why not play around with that, you know?
- [07:04]
A
Well, speaking of cool new Things you find on your body, like your ears?
- [07:09]
C
What? Yes.
- [07:10]
A
Do you know about kids that find their ears?
- [07:12]
C
Oh, of course. I. And I mean, I. You know, we kind of talk about this every day. Ear pulling. I don't find ear pulling or ear tugging to be a really strong positive indicator that a kid has an ear infection. I just don't. It's almost never an ear infection. Now, if you couple it with a really bad cold and a fever and we're not sleeping great. Sure, I mean, I need to see that kid. But people all the time come in saying, oh, we're tugging on the ear. You know, my friend, it's because we found that ear. That. What a cool appendage. That's something I can grasp, you know, that's always available to me. Same with hair and same with kind of batting the head. Same thing. I mean, infants are exploring and learning about their bodies, and so when they hear, you know, we hear things in our head when we touch our face and we touch our head and we smack or we smack things. What a cool new thing. Let me play with that more. Let me freak my parents out, because this is just.
- [08:05]
A
Oh, that reminds me of the kid that I had that kept hitting her ears. And it turned out she was very verbal. She was 2. And when we asked her, her mom brought her into the clinic. She was like, oh, no, it sounds cool. You're like, oh, yeah, it does sound cool.
- [08:18]
C
It does sound cool.
- [08:19]
A
But her mom never asked her, right?
- [08:21]
C
We take for granted that things sound different in our heads when we swallow, when we gag, when we bat our faces, when we bat our ears, when we put a finger in our ear. I mean, think about a small child who puts a finger in the ear and realizes that, oh, it sounds different now when I do that. Oh, there's like a kind of whooshing sound when I do that. Let me do it over and over. And then, boom, we got a worried parent who's, you know, noticing their kids sticking their finger in their ear all
- [08:44]
A
the time instead of being worried. If we would just imitate them and try some of these things, we might be much calmer people.
- [08:50]
C
I agree. I agree.
- [08:51]
A
It's like when you're going for a walk with your toddler and, like, they stop at, like, every leaf or they just have to inspect out, like, a new staircase that they didn't know about. You know, we don't do that. We just ignore everything.
- [09:02]
C
No. Adulthood sucks, doesn't it? Like, we complete. I remember taking. Oh, she was just, like, melting down my toddler outside, and the wind was blowing that day, and she was freaking out in the house as they do. And I took her outside. I just. I just needed a minute. You know, when you need a minute, you need to change a pace. What is it about taking kids outside, taking a baby outside, taking a toddler outside? Everything immediately calms down. It feels like they just took a breath, but I remember the wind blowing through, like, the four hairs on her head. And it was just such a reminder. Like, we need to slow down as adults, too. Like looking at a leaf. Like, leaves are beautiful. They're crunchy. When you smash them with your foot, they crunch a lot. That's so satisfying. Let's crunch every single leaf we can find when we walk. You know, like, that's. That's how little people think. I love it. We could all, like, learn a thing or two from them. Slowing down.
- [09:50]
A
Oh, for sure we need to slow down. It would be more meditative. It'd be very good for us. Here's another. One of my favorites is parents who bring in their kids because their joints are clicking or popping. And I really don't really know what to say, except I know their ligaments are loose, but, like, they freak out. Shoulders and hips, right?
- [10:05]
C
Oh, yes. And I actually address this in my book Hiccups. Like, there's a chapter. There's a goofy, funny chapter I put in there called the top 10 things I'm asked about Daily that I never thought I'd be asked asked about when I finished training.
- [10:19]
A
I love that.
- [10:20]
C
And yes, and there's some doozies in there, but one of the most common thing, it always blows my mind is the crunching. You pick up your kid under the arms to lift them up from the armpits and everything crunches. The spine, the neck, the arm, the shoulders really crunch a lot, too. And, you know, I just remind parents, if your kid isn't screaming, it doesn't. They don't put me in pain, you know, like, first of all, it's fine, you know, you haven't done anything to harm your child. I know that kind of freaks you out. Feels really weird. But I also think that human bodies crack and pop a lot when they are in periods of life where they're growing fast. I always used to. So. So teenagers do this too. Like kids who are going through puberty. I don't know if you ever get this question a lot, but kids who are going through puberty, I get a lot of, like, knee, popping, ankle.
- [11:09]
A
Oh, my God, no, you're right.
- [11:10]
C
I do.
- [11:10]
A
Never mind. I totally do.
- [11:12]
C
But, like, think about it. Like, there are two times in a kid's life where they're really growing super fast. The first year or two of their life, and then when they go through puberty again. So to me, in my head, and I don't. I don't know if there's any data on this, but, like, that's the crunchiest part of their life. Their. Their joint. They're growing so quickly that, like, their joints, there's more gas in those joints. And I think they're popping a lot more. And so I do a lot of reassuring with the popping joints.
- [11:37]
A
No, there literally is gas in the joints, though. And I think people don't realize that you're, like, releasing it when you move. Funny for teenagers, too.
- [11:44]
C
Yep.
- [11:44]
A
It's so helpful to be a parent because you're right, I didn't learn a lot of this stuff in training. You know, we learn all the really sick kids. But yeah, now that I've been through the lifespan of my kids, you're right. I can connect the things that happened as a baby and as a teenager and reassure people more.
- [11:57]
C
I mean, sometimes I kind of cringe to think about the advice I gave before. Do you ever do that? Like, before I had children, I gave good advice and it was, you know, it was definitely evidence based. But then after kids, like, I feel like I delivered it so differently.
- [12:10]
A
Okay, here's another favorite. When kids drop their toys on the floor or their food on the floor constantly, or at the grocery store and they're in the cart and they just keep dropping whatever toy you gave them and they drop.
- [12:21]
C
I have a story about that. Jack, my son, once, he did that all the time. It drove me crazy. The fork off the high chair and the food he would. In the shopping cart, he would grab things behind him, the groceries, and throw them on the ground. And he once did it with a jar of spaghetti sauce. I'll never forget that day. Yeah, that was a nightmare.
- [12:41]
A
Okay, that's the guy taking off their diaper.
- [12:44]
C
Yes.
- [12:44]
A
Yes, it is.
- [12:45]
C
Oh, kind of.
- [12:46]
A
Yes.
- [12:47]
C
But I always explain it to parents. The way I explain it to parents is that think about the concept of gravity, something we take for granted every day. How cool is it that with very little effort you can make something move? Like, very little effort. You open your hand and something moves and it moves to the ground. And that is, I mean, think like a little person. That is a brand new idea, a brand new concept. The minute that light bulb goes off, you gotta practice you gotta experiment with that. How fun is that?
- [13:13]
A
Well, they're total scientists, right? So your son dropped lots of different things on the floor. And then do you remember what his reaction was when the glass went on the floor?
- [13:21]
C
He was completely fascinated. That one sounded when he threw the marshmallow bag on the ground. That made no noise, but then he threw this giant thing of glass on the ground, and it splattered, and the red. The red sauce went everywhere. How fascinating was that? There weren't even tears. It was just like an experiment in different textures and different matter.
- [13:39]
A
That's some real lived experience there. I can't believe that happened to you.
- [13:43]
C
Yeah, it was not my favorite science experiment. But it's pretty fascinating when you kind of sit and think like a little person. Like, wow. It's a totally different way to look at things.
- [13:52]
A
So you just kind of have to accept it. I know when I'm in clinic, too, and a kid will keep dropping something and the parents start to get a little frustrated, like, just keep it in your hand. And I think it's funny, you know, I guess because developmentally I know what that child's doing. He's not trying to be annoying. He's like, no, I know what's gonna happen if I do it again. Is the same thing gonna happen this time, or is it gonna float up?
- [14:11]
C
Exactly.
- [14:11]
A
You don't know if the toy is gonna go up in the air or
- [14:13]
C
down exactly until you do it. Are they gonna. Are they gonna tie it up for me? Yeah. How are they. Yeah.
- [14:18]
A
Are they gonna pick it up for me?
- [14:19]
C
Yeah. If I drop it in front of this doctor, I don't really know her very well. What's she gonna do when I do it? Is she gonna look at me? Is she gonna pick it up? Is she gonna laugh? Will she throw it away? Will she get back? Yeah.
- [14:28]
A
So I think the right. I don't know what the right answer is. Sometimes I pick it a bunch of times, and then I'm like, yeah, I'm tired with this game. And then I just ignore the child. I don't know what the right thing is to do for parents, because incessant.
- [14:39]
C
You know, I kind of. Some parents don't want that item that just landed on the pediatrician floor. So, you know, I take it. Shouldn't patient by patient place. Right.
- [14:49]
A
Here's another of my favorites. When kids play with their food. Playing with your food is incredibly important. And it's funny when parents are like, well, if you're just gonna play with it, I'm Gonna take it away. But it's exploration, right? They're learning what the food feels like before they put it in their mouth. Oh, I agree with you. I've also seen data that they learn language and words better if they're physically playing with something with their hands at the time. Something squishy.
- [15:12]
C
Oh, I didn't know that.
- [15:13]
A
That's fascinating.
- [15:14]
C
That's a good one.
- [15:15]
A
Yeah.
- [15:15]
C
Yeah. I think parents do get frustrated. I mean, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna front. Like I, I remember the nightmare that was spaghetti night. And the sauce went.
- [15:26]
A
You have a lot of trauma from tomato sauce too, you know, fair.
- [15:30]
C
The sauce would go everywhere and it was always a bath night.
- [15:33]
A
We were an Alfredo family because of that. I'm just kidding.
- [15:38]
C
That's an amazing comment to make. I love that.
- [15:42]
A
Bath night.
- [15:43]
C
Bath night. I agree with you. I especially encourage it if I have a child who is struggling with table foods. Some babies really prefer puree, prefer a clean experience, and prefer to be spoon fed and get a little nervous when parents start adding texture or table foods into their day. And I kind of, I kind of nudge parents a little bit, a little bit more just to offer that more often, to offer a hands on experience more often. Despite the, despite the mess.
- [16:13]
A
And do you tell them, don't worry if they're not eating it, just as long as it's in front of them
- [16:17]
C
smelling it, I say, why don't we smell it? That's exactly why they feel those things with their hands. If you've never eaten something before, I mean, we take for granted again that we do this every day. But if you've never eaten a certain texture before, doesn't it make sense to want to touch it before you put it in your body? It makes sense to me. And then sometimes we put it in there and it doesn't feel exactly like we thought it would. So we're gonna spit it out just to be sure we're safe. And I think babies have a lot of innate protective mechanisms in place so that they don't choke and die. And so I think that gag is a lot stronger in babies than it is in us. And the cough reflex and the vomiting reflex, that's all there to protect them. And it just may be triggered easily in some kids. So I have like 6 month olds who are, you know, sucking on a piece of steak. They love it. And I have kids who are still working that at 10 to 12 months old.
- [17:03]
A
That is a fascinating perspective. I think you're right that they have A stronger gag and vomiting reflex to protect them. And we need to, you know, pay attention. And sometimes we need to kind of overcome it because it can be a
- [17:13]
C
little excessive and it can be terrifying to see as a parent. But that's a talk I give nearly every day because understandably, parents worry about their kids choking.
- [17:23]
A
Do you think choking is part of learning how to eat? I mean, that's kind of a strong statement.
- [17:28]
C
Sure. I think that the sensation that you might choke is vital. I want them to feel that sometimes. I want them to get a bite back there that's a little bit too big for them to handle. We learn.
- [17:43]
A
I guess I should say gagging is kind of a part of learning how to eat. Right?
- [17:47]
C
It's kind of gagging. And some children really get scared from gagging. They get scared by it and they don't want to move forward for a little while because of that experience. Of course, parents do too, and that's understandable. So it makes sense to me that when a kid gets a good chunk of something in their belly, in their throat, swallows it, makes it to the belly, and then the big puke happens afterwards. That really scares parents a lot. But I think it's just our innate human protective mechanisms in place. Like it's there to help us not choke and die. And I think they're really good at it. That gagging and vomiting when they learned how to eat.
- [18:21]
A
And speaking of choking and gagging, that is a great place for us to pause for a quick break. I'm going to cut us off because if you've ever been in a room with more than one doctor, you may have noticed that once we get going. Well, this part of the conversation very quickly turned into war stories about gagging, choking and vomiting, which you do not need to hear. When we come back, Dr. Diane and I will talk about some of the other entertaining things kids do, like saying no biting and barking like a dog. All the joys of parenting and more coming after this short break. I always read the label on food and drink packages, and honestly, most sports drinks, they don't make the cut. They always have too much sugar. And then there are the artificial ingredients that you just shouldn't put in your body. That's why I feel good about cur. Cur is a plant based hydrating electrolyte drink mix with no added sugar, just clean ingredients and only 25 calories. I use the cure hydration packs all the time. They make drinking enough water easier because they taste good. From a science standpoint, hydration works. Best when you combine fluids with electrolytes. That's how your body absorbs water efficiently. Cure uses the same formula proven to hydrate as effectively as an IV drip and for Kids Cure Kids mixes are formulated with pediatricians and free of artificial ingredients and common allergens. Staying hydrated isn't just about water. You also need electrolytes. That's why I recommend Cure. It's clean, tastes great and my patients love it. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you@curehydration.com drwendy that's-r w e n D Y Real ingredients, real hydration, ready for the whole family. As someone who talks about health every day, I can tell you that lasting change beats extreme change every time. And when it comes to weight loss, having medical guidance matters. With weight loss. By hers, you're connected to a licensed provider who learns your history and determines whether treatment is right for you. If it is, your plan can include oral medications or GLP1 injectables plus ongoing support, medication adjustments and practical tools for tracking sleep, hydration and movement. I like that hers is personalized, science backed care designed to help you make steady progress you can maintain, not something you're going to abandon in three months. If feeling stronger, healthier and more like yourself is part of your plan this year, this could be worth exploring. Feel like your best self again? Visit forhers.com Dr. Wendy to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you. That's F O r h e r-s.com d r w e n d y for hers.com Dr. Wendy Weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescription required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchased. Not to brag, but my daughter is an actual rocket scientist and you know where that journey started with the toys she played with. It was always a challenge for me to find activities that would keep her engaged and I remember the day she got her first Eureka crate from Kiwico. She was already a teenager when she opened her first electronics crate and from that time on she was hooked. What I love about Kiwico is that they do the legwork for you. The projects are thoughtful and hands on and challenging in just the right way and you can do them over and over again. So instead of scrambling for ideas, you can sit down and spend that time tackling the project together. Kiwico sends a new crate right to your door every month and you can pause or cancel anytime. It's creativity without the stress. Tinker Create and innovate with Kiwico. Get up to 50% off your first monthly crate at kiwico.com code drwendy. That's up to 50% off your first crate at k I w I c o.com code dash r w e n d y. Pandacrate is an exception. See site for details. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. And that is the word no. What do you talk to parents about when they're frustrated about their toddlers? Just no. Everything's no.
- [22:31]
C
No, everything's right off the bat. Oh, so the toddler saying no or
- [22:34]
A
the parents saying yeah, the toddler.
- [22:36]
C
The toddler saying no. I always joke, I always joke that a 2 year old's favorite words are no and mine.
- [22:41]
A
Oh yeah.
- [22:42]
C
And I respect toddlers. I mean they are learning about themselves, they're learning about the people around them, the relationships with people around them and they're learning about autonomy. They're learning about I am my own person and I have my own wants and my own needs and my own feelings. And so if no comes out quite a bit, that's understandable to me. And it's experimental sometimes too. Like mom wants me to put my toys away so that I can put my shoes on. No, I don't want to do that. Well, a toddler doesn't understand the need to get ready to go to school. A toddler doesn't understand the need to clean up. That's an adult idea. That's an adult feeling.
- [23:23]
A
But they're starting to understand I have some control over the world and if I say no, maybe somebody will listen.
- [23:29]
C
And sometimes it works. And so why not try it every 14 seconds in my day?
- [23:37]
A
That makes me think of biting too because that shows up at about the same ages is, you know, why are toddlers biting?
- [23:44]
C
I oops. Biting. So it's something I talk about every day and I always feel for parents whose, whose daycares have called them up saying your kid is biting everybody. I feel for parents because you can't, you know, you're not going to get far sitting a two year old down on a couch and talking about biting and feeling you just not, you're not going to get far. Biting happens because of a big feeling in the moment. Right. I don't think children are marching into that room with preparations to bite everyone. I just think that there's something that happens and it's very quick and little people don't have that frontal lobe development yet to. To learn the action and the reaction. And I think, again, I respect toddlers and I respect their feelings, and I think that's a big feeling in the moment. And guess what? Sometimes biting works. And the kid drops the toy that he took from me, and it gets a reaction. And sometimes it's experimental. I'm just gonna see what happens when I do that. But I think it's a very normal part of raising a toddler. And it even extends into pinching and slapping. And I always tell parents, like, this isn't something that you've done wrong. This is just a part how other people react to our actions. And also learning how to process big feelings.
- [24:54]
A
Toddlers do a couple of other really interesting things. One that comes to mind is that they'll become more attached to one parent than the other. And I assume that's learning who they are, creating an identity. But what do you think it is and what age do you see that happen?
- [25:09]
C
Oh, it's the. I see it a lot. Like, you know, 15 months, 18 months. I don't know if that's when you notice it.
- [25:17]
A
Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.
- [25:19]
C
Yeah. I experienced it in my own house. Like, son only wanted me. Oh, right. And it was always me. I'm like, couldn't you prefer your dad? Like, you know, for a couple weeks, I was always the one who needed to change the diaper. I was always the one who would dress him. Because if dad did it, it was World war three.
- [25:39]
A
Right.
- [25:40]
C
And I can't say that I know. I'm not sure what, like, triggers this to happen, but it's such a normal part of raising a toddler to have people, people, preferences. Always explain to parents, don't get your feelings hurt. It's gonna pass. It's, you know, it, it passes usually within a few weeks. And then they'll swap out and dad will become the favorite. But. Yeah, isn't that funny how they, how they do that?
- [26:06]
A
It is. And it's so universal that that's why I think it's normal.
- [26:09]
C
Yeah, I agree.
- [26:10]
A
And I do think it has something to do with security and with identity.
- [26:16]
C
Exactly.
- [26:16]
A
We don't know. We can't ask them.
- [26:18]
C
Like, maybe it's also, I am my own person and I'm going to assert myself. And this is something. I'm also going to assert myself. I have preference here, and this is my preference.
- [26:28]
A
That is a lot to do with all toddlers behaviors, every one of them, good and bad, is that I can assert My own will. Now I just found out that I can assert my own will.
- [26:39]
C
Exactly. And I think that the ego is forming at that age. So that is just being aware I am my own person. It's a big part of that. Those years. Yeah.
- [26:49]
A
My other favorite at this age, a little bit older, is when they pretend to be a cat or a dog, and they're, like, just really committed to the role, you know, or like their cat. No matter where you go, they're still a kitten.
- [26:59]
C
I don't know.
- [27:00]
A
That is a little bit older, though, right? That's like over two, I think, most of the time.
- [27:04]
C
So my children go to a private school, and there is a testing process for the private school that happens at 4 or 5 years old. My kid barked the entire time. The entire. The entire time. The walls were thin. I was in the next room, and Abby barked the whole time.
- [27:25]
A
Was it the younger child or your older child?
- [27:27]
C
Yes, it's my younger child.
- [27:28]
A
Yeah. See?
- [27:29]
C
And then she still got in. Yeah. No. Yeah. Because thankfully, her brother chose not to bark that day. Why is it that they do that? I don't know that I have, like. I'm trying to brainstorm on this. It's such a universal experience. And I have no. I see them all the time. Oh, yeah. They come in and meow through their whole entire checkup. Hey, what's your favorite food?
- [27:49]
A
You know, and start licking their paws.
- [27:51]
C
Yes. And. And so that is, you know, them, I think, wanting to sort of control how that experience is going to go with me. And that's okay. And I, you know, I don't take any offense to it. Some of them, it's not a bit. I mean, they are a cat for a good couple. Couple weeks. It's cat central. I tell parents, if you're getting to a point where you're losing your mind a little bit and you're not getting sort of answers to questions, or then I gently tell parents, like, you know, how about you just explain. I don't understand what you're saying. When you're a cat and whenever you feel like you're gonna be Molly again, go ahead, and then you can talk to me. But then when you feel like being a cat again, you go be a cat.
- [28:29]
A
I mean, that's the same approach with whining is like, sorry, I just don't hear whining.
- [28:33]
C
Sorry, I don't know. I don't understand that. But when you feel like talking like a big girl again, come on and find me. Let's figure this out.
- [28:39]
A
You know, I think the dog cat thing is, like, developing an identity where they're like, oh, wait, there are other perspectives. So they try it on, and then they just try it on for, like, way too long. Way too long.
- [28:48]
C
I think that's a great point. You're absolutely right.
- [28:52]
A
Moving on to older kids, one of the things that I notice a lot is that they're all about fairness. You know, maybe six, eight years old. Like, what is it? Why do they care so much about things being fair?
- [29:05]
C
I think that is an age where, you know, they're in school, they're starting school, they're seeing more structure. They're in an environment where there's other human beings who are just as kind of chaotic as they are with their feelings and their actions. And I think they start to understand the concept of rules and societal rules. Right?
- [29:25]
A
Absolutely.
- [29:26]
C
I think that's just an age where they're identifying that that's happening, and then they're identifying that the world isn't fair.
- [29:33]
A
I don't know how you respond to this, but when parents complain to me about their kids fighting or arguing with them, I often say, you know what? Maybe you need to engage a little bit, because in that, like, 12 to 14 years, they're starting to learn how to arbitrate. You know, like, I don't want to practice piano tonight because I have homework. And you're like, well, you're practicing the piano. I mean, that's in a moment where I think it's okay for a parent to be like, okay, tell me why. Tell me why you want what you're asking for and pause. Because they need to learn how to, you know, argue back and forth with everybody. So why not start with their parents?
- [30:05]
C
Well, we are their safe space, right? We're their safest person. And so it makes total sense to me that at that age, pushing boundaries a little bit is completely normal. And I also respect the fact that, man, I have bad days, and when I come home, I don't want to, you know, fricking play the piano. I want to veg, I want to eat a snack, and I want to, like, just, you know, watch a show. And I respect kids in that way and that I feel like, all right, you know what? There's give sometimes, but when you do give, you might get that sort of response in the next few weeks, too. Like, you know, if you give a little bit, teenagers love to take that and try it again and try it again and try it again and push a little further. And so I just, you know, make it Clear like, hey, this is an exception. You've had a rough day. Let's, you're right. Let's just take a break. But if I've got a teacher coming and we are using up their time, then it's important that we respect that person too. And so I think stopping instead of just yelling because I said so, it is take it a step further, engage with them and explain why.
- [31:07]
A
Well, that brings us to the biggest and hardest part of parenting. I don't know if you've quite gotten here yet, but the point at which your kids, their peers and their friends are more important than the family, and that's starting to separate. It's a very, very normal stage. And it's really hard.
- [31:21]
C
It is. It's like, you know, I'm a sensitive soul and I cry sometimes in my office with families when they're struggling. And I will tell you, the one time I am always guaranteed to tear up with families is when the parent of a 14 year old or 15 year old will kind of kick the kid out of the room and come to me and say, Dr. Diane, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He doesn't want my input anymore. I'm worried he's depressed. I'm worried abc, I worried it's a mental health problem. And I have to sit there and explain to them, no, this is completely normal and it sucks. And then I cry and then they cry and we talk about how hard it is. But science is something I always fall back on when I have a really strong emotion about something with my children. And I read something somewhere that our teens are supposed to pull away from us for a scientific reason. You know, when we lived in tribes and caves and stuff, it was really important for the genetic makeup of the population for humans to mix. Right. For young people to go from one tribe to the next tribe. Well, what forced them to do, why would they leave their home tribe to go somewhere else? Because they were sick of their parents and they were sick of the, of the authority and they were looking into peers and peer relationships and they were looking to explore other people and other, other peoples. And so the thought is that, you know, teenagers want to leave the home and want to sort of stretch that, that bond in order for genetic diversity, you know, as our kids will kind of mix a little more back in the tribe days and the caveman days. So whenever I'm tearing up about this concept, I just think, okay, this is for genetic diversity in the human species. They're pulling away for a reason. I know it, but it does hurt. But it's so normal. And at the end of, you know, when they give you a little, I always tell parents when they when they give you a little bit, don't push them. When they come into your room at night before bed and they want to chat with you for the first time that day, don't push them. For more info, just be a sounding board. Open those ears. Let them talk to you. That's what they need. That's what they appreciate.
- [33:31]
A
As hard as some baby and toddler behaviors can be to figure out, most of the things that kids do make perfect sense when you look at it through the lens of development. From those funny baby movements, or FBMs, as Dr. Diane calls them, to the crunchiest stages. When kids are growing and their joints pop and crack, children do a lot of things that confuse us. But if you think about evolution, these behaviors make sense. Curiosity, experimenting, testing boundariesthose are the traits that helped humans survive from the moment they're infants, exploring the world with their mouths and their hands all the way to the day they leave our nest. Kids are wired to learn by trying things out. And even when they get older and start pushing back, they do still need you. You can't go see your pediatrician for every single concern. I mean, who has the time? That's why, instead of paying a copay, you can get answers to many of your everyday worries by reading Dr. Diane Arnaut's book Hiccups. I'll put a link to the book in the show. Notes if you found this episode helpful, I'd ask a small favor of you. Would you send it to a friend? Parenting is a lot easier when we share good information with each other. So text this episode to a new parent, a friend with a baby, or anyone who might be wondering if the strange thing their kid did is normal. For more from the pediatrician next door, find me on the web@ pediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com if you've got a question about the weird things kids do, send an email to helloediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com for a chance to hear your voice on the show. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the pediatrician next door. This show is produced by Red Rock Music. Make sure to subscribe and leave a review wherever it is you're listening. I'll be back next time with more. Found something funny? Send it instantly. TikTok makes sharing with friends effortless. One tap. Whole group laughing moments move fast. Download TikTok now.