← The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
Ep. 124: How to Answer Unexpected Questions – Uncomfortable Conversations made Easier
00:28:48
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- [00:00]
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Dr. Wendy Hunter
There I recently hosted a private Mother Daughter gathering where I led a question and answer session. The audience was made up of about 50 moms and their daughters ranging from age 11 to 16. I opened up the floor for anonymous questions and what I got was one of the most honest, vulnerable and honestly funny conversations I've had in a long time. We laughed a lot. The idea was to give girls and their moms an opportunity to ask questions that they're embarrassed to ask. And not only did I want them to have their questions answered, but I also wanted them to connect. You know when you feel vulnerable and someone else is there that takes you seriously. That's how you find an authentic relationship with someone. I've heard it said this way and I love this. Nothing grows in the comfort zone and I wanted these mothers and daughters to grow in their relationship. This group felt comfortable getting uncomfortable. So today we are going to get a little uncomfortable. I'm going to share what I learned from that session, the surprising topics that came up, the wisdom the girls brought to the table, what the parents were worried about, and I'm going to give you some practical tips for building authentic parent child relationships. Whether you have a tween a teen or are just preparing to navigate these years, you're about to learn something. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the pediatrician next door. I'm that doctor friend you call for practical advice about your kid's health. I mix the science of medicine with the reality of parenting. Let's start with the big surprise. What the girls really wanted to talk about. I expected and prepared for questions about periods and body changes and those did come up. But the topics that got the most buzz they were vaginal discharge, pooping, and breast size. And I'm going to get to the answers to those questions in a minute. But I want to pause to point out how that we had the opportunity to talk about these topics in this group because the girls were invited to ask questions that they always wanted to ask but hadn't. They were in a space that was set aside to have a discussion and they didn't think that they would be judged or look stupid because nobody knew who asked the question. So if you are looking to have an open conversation with your child, be sure to set up the scene as closely as you can to what we had. You need to set aside plenty of time, privacy and come with an open attitude that can be hard to do one on one, especially if your child is easily embarrassed or shy. It may be that you need to bring up topics at the right time and in a curious way. For example, it's not a bad idea if you're doing your daughter's laundry and you notice discharge, even if she's just nine years old. It's okay if you say, hey, I noticed you started to have some white stuff in your underwear. That's a normal thing at your age and I wanted to give you a chance to talk about it. Do you have any questions? And on that note, let me answer the question. So one note card that a girl passed into me said, is it normal to have white stuff in your underwear? Yes, it is. It's called vaginal discharge and it's totally normal. Vaginal discharge is your body's way of keeping the area clean, moist, and protected from infections. It's made by glands and is mostly made up of water cells and good bacteria discharge can change in color. It can change in texture and the amount depending on where you are during your menstrual cycle. Right after your period, you might notice that there's not very much discharge, but then as estrogen levels rise, the discharge increases and changes texture. It can become creamy or white. And then around the time of ovulation, which is midway through your cycle, you might notice that it changes to a clear, stretchy kind of egg white like substance. This is your body's way of helping you get pregnant, as a matter of fact, but we don't have to get into that right now. After you ovulate, the discharge often becomes thicker and stickier. Again, in the first few years that a girl has her menstrual cycle, she'll often not ovulate. In other words, she doesn't release an egg so the menstrual cycle and the discharge may be irregular and unpredictable and not follow this pattern. Eventually, though, it will show this more predictable pattern. These changes are completely normal. What's not normal is if your discharge smells bad, if it becomes green or gray, looks foamy or chunky, or if you have itching, burning or any kind of discomfort. These could be signs of an infection like bacterial vaginosis or a yeast infection, and you need to see a doctor. These infections can happen when you have an imbalance of the natural yeast and bacteria that live on your skin and in your vaginal area. It can happen from wearing a wet bathing suit or taking antibiotics. So don't think it's something sinister. The other question I got about this topic was if it's okay to have some discharge before you've ever had your period. And yes, that too is totally normal. So how do you handle this? You want to wear breathable cotton underwear and avoid using scented soaps or sprays. And no, this is really important. Wearing a panty liner or pad can increase the amount of discharge and so it's a bad idea. I know that seems counterintuitive, but don't wear a pad. So yes, seeing white or clear stuff in your underwear is a sign your body is doing exactly what it should. It's one of those awkward but completely healthy parts of growing up. Okay, next question. I unfolded the card and it read, what if I only poop once a week? I like to say if you eat every day, you should poop every day. You ideally should poop once a day or at least a few times a week. Most people with healthy guts poop at about the same time every day, as a matter of fact. But among school age people, constipation is really common. What is one of the biggest reasons many kids hold their poop? Because they don't want to use a public restroom at school. It's uncomfortable, it doesn't feel private, and sometimes it is a little embarrassing. I had one patient that had such a difficult case of he had alternating constipation and diarrhea related his severe anxiety that I actually had to write a note to the school to let him use the private restroom in the nurse's office. The problem is, if you ignore the urge to poop, the stool stays in your colon longer and water gets sucked out of it. It gets harder and drier and makes it even harder and more painful to pass later. If you hold your poop, your rectum gets larger to accommodate it and you can actually stop feeling the urge to go, even if there is a bunch of stool ready to come out. This just creates a cycle that is really hard to break. The other thing is that hormones can play a role. So around puberty, the rise and fall of hormones like progesterone can slow down your digestive system, leading to constipation and bloating. That's why some girls feel more gassy or backed up around their periods. I tell girls that every woman alive has been constipated because of their hormones. And. And they all know lots of ways to help. So go ahead and let a woman in your life know that you need help. I guarantee she's got some tricks up her sleeve. The other thing to know is that stress and anxiety can make it worse, since your brain and gut are closely connected. So what helps? Okay, obviously, eating more fiber. Things like fruits, vegetables, whole grains. Drinking enough water to keep things moving. That's super important. And making time every day to sit on the toilet. And ideally after a meal, when your body is more likely to be ready because of the reflex that makes humans need to poop about 20 to 30 minutes after eating. One more question before the break. Okay. Girls had a lot of questions about their breasts. They wanted to know, when do I use a bra? Why is one of them bigger than the other? Why are my breasts so small? How can I make them bigger? In fact, they had a lot of questions about body size and shape. Girls wrote things on their cards like I feel fat or I hate my thighs. Those aren't really questions. The other thing they wrote was, I feel ugly next to my friends. And here's the fascinating part about that. They were all different shapes and sizes, and all of them felt alone. Why is it so rare for a girl to feel good about their body, to not judge their body? Since we feel such a need to be judgmental, I invited the girls to judge their bodies for other characteristics. Judge their body based on how well they can do in a sport. They love how fast they can run, how flexible they are. Focus on what your body can do, not just what it looks like. I told them to compliment their creativity, strength, humor, and parents. This is for you, too. Make sure your compliments go beyond their looks. Say, I love your kindness. I admire how determined you are. And I shared this concept with them, too. I asked if they like dogs. Of course, most people say yes. And I asked them to name some dog breeds. Great. I said, Chihuahua, Great Dane, Bulldog, Labrador. Do you have a friend who is kind of a Chihuahua or she's a Little petite thing. Do you have a friend that's a lovable, athletic Labrador? You see, we're all human. We're all the same species. And just like dogs, we. We come in lots of shapes and sizes. So when you're judging the way you look or comparing yourself to someone else, just think about what kind of dog you are. This helps some people to reframe how ridiculous it is for us to judge the way we look. I also said it's fine to feel self conscious, especially if you're comparing yourself to others or to what you see online. But try to zoom out and see the bigger picture. Can you do 10 pushups? Good for your body. But back to breast size. You know, the moms in the room all wanted to jump in and testify to the fact that girls should enjoy having small breasts because it's way easier. You don't have stretch marks. There's no neck or back pain. They all wanted to go on and on about this. But that is not what the girls want to hear. They don't want our advice. They don't believe us anyway. Instead, I said breast size is mostly determined by genetics. If your mom or a close female relative have smaller breasts, there's a good chance that you will too. But even that is not a rule. Puberty can surprise you. Most girls breasts continue to grow and change all the way into their late teens or even into their early twenties. The super weird part about this is that as hormones are changing, this happens in boys too. And some boys do have enlarged breast tissue for a time during puberty. That is probably more awkward than what the girls are going through. I reminded everyone that breasts start growing by having breast buds which can be quite tender. It happens in boys and girls and you can have a bud on just one side to start. These are not tumors, they're just breast buds. So bodies grow at different rates and breast size is one of the most varied parts of puberty. Some girls develop earlier and some later. Some end up with large breasts and some with small ones. And all of it is normal. Some girls have two very different sized breasts. And if it makes wearing the clothes that you like difficult, I have had patients who need surgery to even out the two sides.
- [13:39]
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- [14:09]
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Dr. Wendy Hunter
Like.
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- [14:38]
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Dr. Wendy Hunter
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Dr. Wendy Hunter
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- [15:14]
Dr. Wendy Hunter
You know what might be more awkward than getting a question you don't know how to answer? It's if your kid wants to talk to you but doesn't know how, these moments are really tricky, but they're also a big opportunity for you to connect. If we can handle this with care, here were some other questions from the cards. How do I tell my mom I don't want to do something she wants me to do? Here's another one. How do I say no to my friends without being weird? And one of my favorites, how do I tell my mom to stop giving advice when I just want her to listen? These kinds of questions say a lot. They show that teens want to talk to their parents. They just don't always know how. And honestly, many parents don't know how to respond when the topics get uncomfortable. But this is a skill we can all get better at. All right? The first question how do I talk to my parent about something I don't want to do? I've had thousands of kids talk to me about this. They want to quit tennis, but their parents are so invested in their sport and they don't want to disappoint them. I've had families whose entire social network is their kid's sport team, and the kid tells me in private that they hate playing. I've had kids tell me they want to leave their church, but they don't know how to tell their parents. So Here is my advice to the kid. Timing is the most important thing. If emotions are high, your message is not going to land with your parent. So you have to wait for a calm moment. Maybe when you're in the car or doing something side by side like cooking or walking the dog. Or specifically ask to talk to your parent and make the time. Then I tell them to start with an I statement. I feel uncomfortable when you need to say this rather than you never let me. That is not going to land right. Or you can tell your parents, I'm not ready for this yet. These phrases express feelings without sounding like an attack, and your teens need to know it's okay for them to set boundaries, even with the people they love the most. Try being honest and specific. Try saying something like, this is one of those times I need you to listen to me, Mom. And if they start problem solving right away and offering bribes or solutions for you to continue in the thing you don't want to do, a child can say, can you let me talk? And not fix it right away. That kind of clarity is really hard, but it helps everyone know what to expect. It also gives parents a moment to shift gears to put down their problem solving hat and just be available and be present as a parent. When your child says something that you don't want to hear, respond by asking a question first. You will want to make excuses and shut them down. Instead, really try to get curious. There is a reason they're talking to you about this, and maybe you can get to the bottom of it. If your child is opening up to you, this is the win you're winning at parenting. Your job in that moment is not to teach, advise or redirect. Your job is to listen and reflect and show your child you care. You can say, wow, that sounds really hard. Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen? That single question can entirely transform your conversation. You say, do you want advice or do you just want me to listen right now? Another helpful tool Try paraphrasing. Say your child is talking to you about feeling left out or having friend troubles. Don't offer advice. Instead, just repeat what your child said back to them in your own words. For example, so you felt like you were the only one not invited. That must have stung. That little moment of reflection tells your child that you get it. And that's often all they really need from you. They need to be heard. And if they're over age 6, they don't want to be told what to do anymore. They want to figure it out on their own and you can be their cheerleader and their sounding board. One of the most powerful lessons I saw during this question and answer session was that teens don't need parents to be perfect. They need us to just be there for them, just literally sitting there listening. The other thing that helps your child is that they need us to match their energy. If they come to you and they're hurt or quiet, you should not respond with high energy advice. If they come to you excited about something that's small but important to them, a new song, a text from a crush, a good grade, that's when you do want to match that energy and be excited too. This kind of emotional attunement builds trust with your child support. Match their energy and they will feel like you get them even when you don't. You will eventually if you keep listening. And finally be willing to revisit the hard stuff. If a conversation didn't go well the first time, it's okay to go back and try again. You could say, you know, I've been thinking about what you said yesterday and I want to understand it better. Can we talk now? That shows humility and models what healthy repair looks like in a relationship. That is an incredible lesson for kids to witness. So the bottom line, honest communication comes from practice and the more space we give for it, the more confident our kids become in using their voice. All right, so after this deeper conversation, things did get a little bit lighter. We all felt connected and authentic and we moved on to talk about some more fun things. We had a very long conversation earlier in the event about social media and online life, and that got super heated. But one of the takeaways from that conversation is that what the girls see online or hear from their friends is really stuck in their brains. So here was one of the questions along those lines. One card read, should I take magnesium or probiotics? I saw it on TikTok, so this is a great question and honestly, it's one I do hear a lot. Most kids and teens do not need trendy supplements if they're eating a well balanced diet with a variety of foods. But there are some exceptions. Vitamin D is one supplement that I do often recommend, especially for kids who don't spend a lot of time in the sun. And iron is another one that can be helpful, especially if you have heavy periods or if you're feeling tired all the time. But low iron probably should be diagnosed with a blood test by your doctor and not by TikTok. Magnesium and probiotics are often Hyped online as cure alls for sleep, anxiety and digestion. And the truth is, for most kids, those benefits are not in existence. And probiotics especially, they vary a lot in quality. If you're curious about a supplement that you saw online, you can bring it up at your next doctor's visit. There might be a safer or more effective option, or your doctor may explain that your body doesn't need it at all. When it comes to supplements, more is definitely not better. It can sometimes be harmful. There is some thought too that probiotics can actually throw off the natural balance in your gut. And this question kicked off a slightly lighter section of our Q and A session. We got into skincare, hair care and all those random things you're kind of shy to ask about. Okay, here was one big question. What should I do about my acne? Acne is super common during puberty because all of the hormonal changes are happening under the skin too. The oil glands in your skin go into overdrive and that can clog your pores and lead to breakouts. So you do want to start with a gentle face wash. Very gentle, nothing fancy, just something labeled for sensitive skin. And you want to wash once or twice a day, especially if you're sweating a lot. And don't over scrub or use harsh products because that can make the irritation worse. I always recommend two specific products to use when a kid starts to have acne. The first is Benzoyl peroxide wash. 5% is fine. It actually acts as a gentle antibiotic. But beware because it does bleach towels and your clothing. So consider using it only in the shower and make sure you rinse it off well. The second product I like is Adapalene. That's the generic name. It's the mildest form of a retinoid. There is a brand name called Differin you can buy at the supermarket, but the generic is fine. It helps to open up your pores, so beware that you may look worse for the first month. It works great on those tiny skin colored fine bumps that are all over your face. The way you use it is use a pea sized amount on one finger, rub it around and put it on your entire face. Try that for two months and if you don't see improvement after Benzoyl peroxide and Adapalene, then you want to see your doctor. This led to another similar question and that was what do I do about dandruff? Dandruff happens when the skin on your scalp sheds faster than usual and usually because of either a yeast or because you have dry skin. So try a dandruff shampoo with ingredients like zinc or selenium sulfide. Use it a couple of times a week only, and when you put it on, leave it on your scalp for about five minutes before you rinse it off. That way it gives it a chance for the medication to work. The next question I got was how often should I wash my hair? And that depends on your hair type and how active you are. If your hair is oily, you'll probably need to wash it every day, and if it's thick and curly or dry, sometimes you only have to wash it every three days. There is no one size fits all answer, so you might want to do what your mom does. The next question was should I shave? That one is a personal choice. There's really not a right age to start, it's just when your kid feels ready. If they do decide to shave, be sure to teach them how to use a clean razor and shaving cream or gel and not soap. And show them how to shave in the direction of hair growth because that helps to avoid irritation. Take your time, and if you don't want to shave, that is fine too. There are other options like waxing and hair removal creams and even laser treatment, though I don't typically recommend that for young kids, each method has their pros and cons. Waxing obviously lasts a lot longer but can hurt. Creams are a great choice for young girls and it's easy, but it can irritate sensitive skin. So again, it's totally personal. There's really no rulebook and you can try different methods. These questions might seem small, but they do matter. Because if your child feels confident in their body and how to take care of it, sometimes everything else feels a little easier too. So be sure to take time to talk to your girls about how to take care of their body and your boys too. So what were the big takeaways from this Q and A session? I got a little insight into what are on our kids minds. So first, when you create space for honest questions, kids are going to show up with honesty even if they're nervous. Second, authenticity starts by you listening. For parents, that means asking questions instead of giving advice. Try paraphrasing. Don't forget that and match your child's energy even if you don't feel the same. If they're excited about something, be excited with them. If they're opening up quietly, you don't need to go full TED talk, just match their tone. Third, and this one is new and one of my favorite recommendations. Create rituals with your kids. Whether it's a Sunday walk or always doing pizza on Fridays, Thursday movie night, or calling grandma on the first of every month, consistent moments of connection are really crucial for maintaining a great relationship. And finally, remember, you do not have to be a perfect parent. You have to be present. Your presence is enough. If you're part of a school, community group or organization and you want to host a talk like this, I would love to connect. I offer sessions for mothers and daughters or mothers and sons or fathers and sons, and also talks just for parents on just about any subject regarding kids, health and parenting. I'm happy to lead a talk about anything. Don't be embarrassed. Just ask for more from the Pediatrician next door. Find me on the web@ pediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com if you've got a question about the weird things kids do, send an email to hellopediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com for a chance to hear your voice on the show. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the Pediatrician next door. This show is produced by Red Rock Music. Make sure to subscribe and leave a review wherever it is you're listening. I'll be back next time with more.
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