Podcast Summary

The Pediatrician Next Door – Ep. 130: What Grieving Parents Wish You Knew: How to Help a Friend Through Loss of a Child—and Cherish Your Own Parenting Journey

Host: Dr. Wendy Hunter
Guest: Hans Kohlberg
Date: August 27, 2025

Episode Overview

In this emotionally powerful episode, Dr. Wendy Hunter sits down with Hans Kohlberg, a father who lost his 10-month-old daughter, Aviva, to discuss the realities of parental grief. Together, they explore what it means to support grieving parents, how families can honor a lost child, and why all parents should treasure the everyday moments. Hans openly shares his family's journey—from early pain to finding purpose—offering practical advice for friends and loved ones, and insight into how his grief has intertwined with his ongoing parenting and creativity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Personal Story of Loss and Grief

• Hans’s Experience: Hans recounts losing his daughter Aviva suddenly and the deep, unpredictable pain that followed.
  • “It’s been the most excruciating pain that any parent can ever imagine. It was unexpected...we embraced the grieving process tremendously.” – Hans Kohlberg [03:52]
• Society’s Discomfort: One of the greatest surprises for Hans was society’s inability to engage with grief meaningfully. Many friends disappeared, simply not knowing how to act or what to say.
  • “Some of my best friends that I had five years ago...have not even reached out to me once.... People just don’t know how to talk about loss.” – Hans [04:31]

2. Supporting a Grieving Parent: Presence Over Perfection

• Simple, Powerful Advice:
  • “Three words: just show up.” – Hans [05:43]
  • The best support came from friends who didn’t try to fix anything—just sat in silence, offered company, or simply hugged him in his pain.
  • “What will hurt, what will be counterproductive, is that if you as a friend completely disappear...it’s going to be pain upon pain, if you will.” – Hans [06:21]
• On Empathy:
  • Avoid saying “I can’t even imagine,” which inadvertently distances the speaker from the bereaved.
  • “Empathy is actually bringing yourself together and trying to imagine. So ‘I can only imagine’ is a complete 180 from ‘I can’t even imagine.’” – Hans [07:57]

3. The Ever-Present Nature of Grief

• Nonlinear Process: Grief resurfaces unpredictably and integrates into daily life, forever changing one’s outlook as a parent and person.
• Holding Dualities: Hans describes learning to hold both pain and joy together, finding reminders of his daughter in little things (butterflies, dolphins) and never fully “forgetting.”
  • “There’s never a day that goes by that I don’t think about her ... One of the difficult things about grief is holding both that pain and joy in the same context.” – Hans [08:56]

4. Navigating Difficult Conversations as a Grieving Parent

• “How many kids do you have?”

  • This is a fraught question for bereaved parents. Hans chooses to honor all of his children, living and lost, by usually responding with the true total.
  • “I actually do like talking about my daughter and hearing her name and sharing her story because it’s still...a very big part of my life.” – Hans [11:36]
  • Even small actions, like writing Aviva’s name at a coffee shop, keep her memory alive.

• On Sensitive Language:

  • Dr. Hunter suggests and Hans affirms that “Do you have kids?” is gentler, acknowledging families experiencing infertility, miscarriages, or loss, and allowing them to answer in a way that feels comfortable.
  • “Even that question...can actually be very sensitive for many people, but it is almost a better way to put it than ‘how many kids do you have?’” – Hans [12:30]

5. Support Beyond the Early Days

• Continuity Matters: Acts of kindness right after the loss—cards, flowers, meals—are important, but true support comes with continued check-ins, especially on birthdays, anniversaries, or just because.
  • “There’s a big difference between the friends that actually did that and the ones that actually continue to check in...that means a lot.” – Hans [13:57], [14:15]

6. Honoring Grief Through Creativity

• Writing as Healing: Hans wrote a children’s book, Baby Aviva Orangutan Diva, inspired by a joyful zoo memory, as a way to process grief and celebrate Aviva’s spirit.
  • “It’s a great joyful story about courage and inner strength.” – Dr. Hunter [14:55]

The Healing Journey: Grief, Growth, and Parenting

7. Gratitude and Living in the Moment

• Changed Perspective: Hans’s grief sharpened his sense of presence and gratitude; he considers the difficult moments of parenting a blessing, not a burden.
  • “It’s not something to get angry about...because we actually do have that opportunity...which is a blessing in and of itself.” – Hans [18:33]
• Practicing Gratitude:
  • Writing three things he’s thankful for each night helps bring focus to the positive, acknowledging that human brains are wired for worry but can be retrained.
  • “Moving that to the front of my mind has changed the perspective of how I approach each and every single day.” – Hans [19:40]

8. Parenting Rainbow Babies

• Navigating Anxiety: Subsequent pregnancies brought fear and anxiety, but Hans and his wife leaned on faith and cultivated mindfulness, staying “in the moment” wherever possible.
  • “It was such a much more terrifying pregnancy...just taking it one day at a time...being fully present right then and there.” – Hans [22:15]

9. Grieving as a Couple: Together or Apart

• Avoiding the Divide: Hans and his wife learned that while grieving looks different for each partner (she inward, he through action), having a shared mission and open communication kept them united.
  • “We made a commitment to ourselves that we wanted to be on that side.” [23:57]
  • Their shared purpose—helping others—became their North Star after Aviva’s death.

10. Giving Back: Founding Avocado Health

• From Pain to Purpose: Hans founded Avocado Health, a company providing on-demand answers for parenting questions, motivated by his unresolved search for answers about Aviva’s passing.
  • “Daddy doesn’t know what happened, but I’m going to do everything I can to make sure no other parent has to feel that same way.” – Hans [25:31]
  • Avocado Health aims to make expert advice accessible for parents in their most vulnerable moments.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “Three words: just show up.” – Hans Kohlberg [05:43]
• “Empathy is actually bringing yourself together and trying to imagine. So ‘I can only imagine’ is a complete 180 from ‘I can’t even imagine.’” – Hans [07:57]
• “There’s never a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.” – Hans [09:48]
• “You never really understand and appreciate that opportunity that you have until it’s taken from you.” – Hans [27:58]
• “Treasure your moments and lead with love.” – Hans [27:55]

Important Timestamps

• Introduction & Main Theme [01:00 – 03:50]
• Hans’s Loss and the Social Response to Grief [03:52 – 05:36]
• How to Support Grieving Parents & the Power of Empathy [05:36 – 07:57]
• How Grief Attaches to Daily Life [08:12 – 10:33]
• Navigating ‘How Many Kids Do You Have?’ [10:33 – 12:30]
• What Support Looks Like Long-term [13:09 – 14:37]
• Honoring Aviva Through Creativity [14:37 – 15:52]
• Living with Presence and Gratitude [18:04 – 21:11]
• Parenting After Loss & Rainbow Babies [21:11 – 23:25]
• Maintaining Partnership Through Grief [23:25 – 25:23]
• Building Avocado Health—Mission Born from Loss [25:23 – 27:41]
• Advice for All Parents [27:41 – 28:40]
• Resources and Closing Reflections [28:40 – end]

Grief Resources Mentioned

• The Compassionate Friends: Nationwide support for families experiencing the death of a child
• Child Loss Foundation: Support and community for grieving families
• Book: “Finding the Sixth Stage of Grief” by David Kessler

Conclusion

This profound conversation is both a guide and a comfort to anyone walking the road of loss, or supporting someone who is. Hans Kohlberg's perspective as a bereaved parent centers on presence, truth-telling, creativity, and a daily practice of gratitude and love. His story challenges listeners to cherish every messy, precious moment of parenting, and to never underestimate the power of simple, continuing kindness.

“Treasure your moments and lead with love...That is actually a blessing.” – Hans Kohlberg [27:55]