← The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
Ep. 134: Is Screen Time Ruining our Kids’ Brains? How Parents can Build Healthy Online Habits and Real-Life Connections
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Payment of $45 per three month plan $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmo hi, I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm your partner in parenting. I don't want to just hand out advice. Instead, I investigate the mysteries of childhood with you. This isn't a one way conversation. I need you to form your own opinions, to think about your kids as you listen to this, and to ask questions. So as I tell you today's story and walk you through the research, ask yourself, does this sound familiar? And message me after the episode to let me know what you think. Today's episode is about something that affects every single family. It's something on every parent's mind, but that kids have absolutely no concern about. It's the amount of time kids spend on their screens. Virtually every parent asks about it when I ask if they have any concerns during their child's annual well visit. And I suspect parents want me to tell their kid that screen time and video games and social media are poisoning them. And I'd love to help you out, but it's not that simple. The issue of screen time is complicated and it keeps changing as technology changes. So I really don't know what to say anymore. In my opinion, the truth is there is no way that the amount of time we spend online is the problem. I know that because I spend a ton of time on my computer every day. Like a lot. And I think I'm just fine. So maybe the real question isn't are Screens ruining our kids brains. But instead, something I worry about a lot more, are we losing human connection when we spend so much time online? We're going to answer this question and hopefully it will scare our kids enough that they will limit their screen time out of fear that they're going to become more awkward with real people or worse, be like their parents. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the pediatrician next door. I'm that doctor friend you call for practical advice about your kid's health. I mix the science of medicine with the reality of parenting. Let me start with a case. Years ago, I met a little boy named Max. He was three years old, healthy, smart. But his teachers and his parents were worried. They thought he might be on the autism spectrum because Max had frequent tantrums. His play was not normal. It was actually really repetitive. And all of his conversations, every one of them circled back to the same topic. It was Thomas the Tank Engine. In fact, if another kid tried to change the subject, Max couldn't handle it at home. His tantrums were crazy. He would kick and hit and scratch and scream at his mother. And during his tantrums, he would yell phrases from cartoons. Like he would scream I hate it. Leave me alone. Which is a line that his parents discovered he copied when he heard it on a television show. He mostly mimicked phrases that he heard on shows. When I first met him, it did seem a little bit like autism, but something didn't quite add up to me. I talked with Max and he had a really good, normal vocabulary. He spoke really well and he made great eye contact. I knew he had met all of his milestones on time and he otherwise was doing pretty well. So what was that feeling I was having? The diagnosis of autism didn't quite sit right with me. I asked his mom more questions about their life and his activities. And I discovered one clue that changed everything for me. Max was watching at least five hours of television every day. And remember, he was only three years old. So that's the mystery I want to solve today. What happens when screens take the place of human connection? And Max is a perfect example. He's a one person experiment of what happens when a developing child is excessively exposed to media. He was watching a minimum of five hours a day and not different shows. Sometimes he watched the same episode on repeat and mostly it was Thomas the Tank Engine. His mom didn't see a problem. In her mind, these were good shows. Educational, safe. She thought, as many parents do, that if the content was wholesome, the amount didn't really matter. But since he was watching this much tv, he wasn't reading books. He wasn't building with blocks or drawing, and he wasn't playing imaginatively with other kids. Most of his experiences in life came from what he saw on the screen. But here's the real question that I need to figure out. What happens when a child spends more time learning from a screen than from people? I know that humans are wired for connection. That's something we learn about in neurology. We see it every day. Babies are literally born completely dependent on adults to even synchronize their breathing and their heart rate and their sense of calm. And that wiring doesn't go away when we get older. If you've heard of mirror neurons, you know what I'm talking about. So I started to wonder, if kids are wired for connection, what happens when they don't get enough of it? I went digging for answers, and I came across a study from Harvard that's been running for more than 80 years. It's one of the longest studies ever done on human health. I've talked about this study before. It's the Harvard Study of Adult Development. And here's what's fascinating about this study. The researchers were looking for a reason that people lived longer, healthier lives, and they weren't looking for a magic gene or a superfood. What they uncovered again and again was that the people who lived the longest, healthiest lives were the ones with strong social connections. And that was it. It wasn't their cholesterol or their bank account. It was connection. And then came the part of this study that made me stop and reread. It was about loneliness and social isolation. They say it's as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 15. And I remember thinking when I read this, I would never tell a parent it's fine for their child to smoke a pack a day. So why do we shrug off loneliness and lack of connection like it's no big deal? That's when it hit me. This isn't just about kids being glued to their iPads. This is about all of us. When our connections shift from face to face to screen to screen, we do lose something. And the part that really gets me, we don't just feel disconnected. We actually end up feeling like outsiders in our own lives. Scrolling is like showing up at a party where everyone looks gorgeous and successful and perfectly put together, but no one posts the moment they cried in the car after work or when dinner burned and it turned into cereal night. Okay, so maybe I should start posting these things just to balance things out. Kids feel this, though. They scroll past flawless, selfless dream vacations and friend groups that look super cool. What they don't see are the lonely weekends or the awkward cafeteria moments that never make it online. And when all you see is the shiny stuff and you start to feel like you're not enough, whether you're 13 years old or 43. So the investigator in me wanted to dig deeper. Of course, if scrolling leaves us feeling disconnected, what's happening inside the brain that makes this so powerful? When I first started reading the neuroscience, I'll be honest, I thought about Las Vegas and not a parenting journal. Because when what we found out is that dopamine, that's the brain's reward chemical, works the same way whether you're pulling a slot machine or refreshing TikTok. And here's the part that really stuck with me. The brain releases more dopamine when rewards are unpredictable. That's why slot machines are addictive and why social media feels impossible to put down. It's that unpredictability that keeps us addicted and keeps giving us more dopamine. I remember reading this. It was late at night and I was thinking, oh, no, we're basically handing our kids pocket sized slot machines and we call them phones. And here's the real problem. When the reward system is overstimulated, everyday life stops feeling rewarding. So hanging out with family, finishing a school project, even kicking a ball in the yard, that's not going to compete with the fireworks that are going off in a kid's brain every time they check a screen. And for kids, this is way more intense than for adults because their brains are still under construction. The reward circuits in their brains, the part that craves novelty, those are functioning just fine. But the part that controls self restraint, that's not built yet. So if a teenager tells you, I just can't stop scrolling, it's not weakness, it's neurobiology. So that made me wonder, if our kids are being trained to expect constant fireworks, what happens when life is just normal? The answer is it starts to feel flat. So fun things like baking cookies and laughing with a friend and playing basketball, those are things that should be joyful. Now they just feel boring next to the rush of the screen. And it's not just about dopamine. I came across another set of studies that measured empathy levels in college students. And what does that actually mean? Empathy is our ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes, to imagine how they feel and respond in a caring way. It's the difference between noticing that your roommate looks upset and asking them, hey, are you okay? Versus just sending them a thumbs up emoji from across the room. Researchers believe this decline in empathy is tied to the way we communicate. When we talk face to face, we pick up on subtle cues. The wobble in someone's voice, the way their eyes water, Even if they say, I'm fine. Those moments are where empathy grows. But when the bulk of our interaction are texts, snaps, or emojis, those cues vanish. So kids are still connecting, but they're missing the practice of truly tuning into another person. I see this in family life all the time. Think about siblings who are fighting over a toy. One hits, the other, cries. And in real life, the hitter sees the tears, hears the crying, and maybe even feels a little bit of guilt. That's empathy. But if that same interaction happens in a video game or a chat room or a group text, none of that feedback is there. The learning moment is gone. Okay, so that's the issue of empathy. And we're losing it when we lose our connection. But then there's also the issue of attention. This is something I've thought a lot about. I once sat at a coffee shop and I was trying to finish my charts when I realized I had checked my phone three times in, like, two minutes. And not because it buzzed, but because my brain is trained to expect that I might get a message. And that's when it clicked for me. We're not just multitasking anymore. We are completely scattering our focus. So what effect does this have on us? You know, dinner table conversations are always interrupted by texts. What does that do to us parents? I see them nodding while they're mentally adding milk to the grocery list. They're not really listening to their kids. Every time we divide our attention, we are rewiring our brains to have distraction. And the more we do it, the more comfortable it feels, and the harder it becomes to be really present with people who are sitting right in front of us. This is the point when I really started to worry about my own use and my kids use of social media and television and on and on. And the more I uncovered, the more it felt like the pieces of Max's puzzle were falling into place for me. He wasn't broken. He wasn't destined for autism. His brain was doing what all brains do. He was adapting to what he was experiencing. And what he was experiencing wasn't giving him the social fuel that he needed to develop. So now I got to the point where I had to ask, if we know screens can short circuit our connection, why do we still lean on them so much? And part of that answer does come from the pandemic. When the pandemic hit, screens became our lifelines. I mean, school, work, birthday parties, even weddings, those were all online and it was necessary. But I noticed something that once the world opened back up, a lot of people never rebuilt those in person habits. I mean, Netflix nights stayed easier than dinner out and Zoom Book clubs were replacing real ones. Kids were swapping their bike rides to just play Roblox. And they're not going to the mall anymore because instead they just use Snapchat. Now when I see families in clinic, I can tell we're still living in that post. Pandemic hangover screens kept us going when we didn't have another choice. And they sped up a trend that was probably already eroding our face to face connection. Take the case of a middle schooler I saw not that long ago. His mom told me that he used to bike to his friend's house every day after school and they would like play basketball in the driveway or hang out, you know, raid the pantry, normal kids stuff. But during the pandemic, that stopped. And then when things opened up again, their habit never came back. They stopped hanging out. Now they just hop on Roblox with the same friend. They still hang out, but they're with their headsets. So his mom asked me, is this good enough? Does it count as friendship? And her question has really stuck with me because on one level I want to say, yeah, he's socializing, he's laughing, he's making memories with another person. But on the other hand, something's missing. He's not learning how to read his friend's body language. He's not sharing a bag of chips and fighting over who gets the last handful. And he's not biking home at dusk, sweaty and sunburned with that tired and happy feeling you only get after really playing outside. So here's the question we've been investigating. When kids swap in person experiences for online ones, does it matter? And the evidence I think, says yes. I don't know what you think. Let me know. Research consistently shows that kids who spend more time in real world activities like sports or church or just hanging out, they have lower rates of depression. Long term studies show that the more face to face time kids have, the better protected they are against mental health struggles. I'll give you one more example. A mom told me her son spent most afternoons in his room with his tablet. He was on YouTube. Maybe a little gaming, some texting. Nothing dangerous, but definitely isolating. And over time, she noticed he was more irritable and harder to talk to. So against his will, she signed him up for a neighborhood basketball league. And. And at first, he totally hated it and he complained constantly. But after a few weeks, something changed. He started to talk with his mom about his teammates at dinner. And he was even laughing more. That's the power of real world connection. The basketball wasn't just exercise. It was really good for his mental health. The team gave him something no screen ever could. It gave him eye contact and shared jokes and the frustration of missing a shot and the joy of making one. Screens couldn't do that. But people did. And it's not just kids. We're caught in the same trap too. Outside of work, we average how many hours a day on screens? 7. We average 7 hours a day on screens. Outside of work. That's time we could spend listening to our kids give a long winded story about Minecraft. But instead, we're scrolling, often sitting in the same room with our family and kids. Notice this. Researchers even have a name for it. They call it technoference. It's what happens when parents get pulled away by devices. I remember one mom telling me that she often scrolls her phone at the playground because she's bored. And she'd look up and see her toddler staring at her and saying like, hey, did you see that? I went down the slide by myself. And that moment of pride, that child had that chance to say, wow, you did it. That was gone. And her child knew it. So here's where we are. Screens aren't evil. They're entertaining and they're useful. But when they take over real time, we do lose something essential. We lose human connection. And we know it from research and we know it from experience. And that loss shows up in our kids behavior, in our own health, and in our families. Which leads me to our next big question. If we know all of this, what do we do about it? We'll find out Next.
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We know this. And that brings us to the part everybody wants to know, what do we do about it? And I wish I could give you one simple answer. Like, I wish I could say like two hours max. That's it. Believe me, it would make my job in clinic so much easier. But it doesn't work that way. Screens are here to stay, and the question isn't if we use them, but how. So when I started digging into the research, I did notice a theme again and again. It's not really about the number of hours. It's about the bigger picture of a child's life. And that lines up with what I was already seeing and saying in my own practice. Over the years, I've started thinking about it as three pillars. It's sleep, movement, and connection. And then the American Academy of Pediatrics updated their guidelines and it felt like confirmation of what I was already saying. They also emphasized balance and context over counting hours. So talk about this with your kids. Here are the three pillars of having a healthy childhood and balancing screen time. The first pillar is sleep. And here's where I do not negotiate. Kids need sleep, adults need sleep, and screens are sneaky thieves of sleep. The blue light delays melatonin. That's the hormone that tells your brain it's time for bed. And I've had teenagers tell me I can't sleep without TikTok. And and I have to bite my tongue and not say, no, you can't sleep because of TikTok. So here's the rule. All devices must Be off at least one hour before bed. You can make whatever rule specifically that you want in your family. The phones should charge in the kitchen, not under pillows. And yes, everyone's going to complain, and you might, too. But your child's growing brain and your sanity will thank you. And you may all need to buy alarm clocks. I know they're hard to use. The second pillar. It's movement. Kids need at least one hour of active play that makes them sweaty every single day. And that's not negotiable either. When kids come into my office with mood issues, depression, anxiety or trouble sleeping, one of the first things I ask is, how much time are they moving? And if they've been outside riding bikes or playing soccer or just running around, then an hour on Minecraft is not the end of the world. So screens don't have to be the enemy when kids are also exercising. And there's an added benefit, too. Movement means connection. Shooting hoops with a friend, riding bikes with a sibling, even a walk with the family dog can spark conversation and connection that you'd never get if everyone was on their screens. The third pillar. I think maybe we've discovered this is the most important. I don't know. Tell me what you think. But it's connection. Ask yourself, is your child spending time with family, friends and caring adults every day? Like real time, Are they having conversations? They can be silly or short or deep, whatever. If, yes, if they're spending this time together, then screen time becomes one piece of a balanced life instead of the whole pie. I'll give you an example. A dad told me he didn't mind his son's obsession with his online games because it was. It was the only time this dad saw his son light up. But I asked if he ever played the game machine with his son, and he admitted no. So I suggested he join him. Even if the dad is terrible. And he was. His son told me later. You know what? His son loved teaching him. It turned out that his isolating hobby could be turned into a shared one. And that's connection. Now, here's where I have to flip the mirror back on us. Because if I'm being honest, kids aren't the only ones who are addicted. I've had parents admit they scroll at the playground because they're bored or sneak looks at their phone during bedtime stories. I've done it, too. And kids notice. That's when your device interferes with your connection to your child. And kids do not like to compete with your phone, so they act out to pull you back into their real world. What I've learned about this is simple. If your child is talking to you, make eye contact. Put the phone down. If you're holding it. Even a one minute conversation where you're fully present matters more than an hour when you're doing the dishes or half listening or cleaning up toys or whatever you're doing. But none of this is as bad as this one thing. And I couldn't find any literature on this. Actually, maybe I could. Here's the big trap. When parents use screens as a way to help their child regulate emotions. I know, I know. Handing your toddler their phone at Target works like magic. And the tantrum stops. But what does this teach them about how to calm down? It doesn't teach them anything. They need to practice strategies for calming down and you know all of them, you've heard them before. If you haven't, ask Dr. Becky. Label their feelings. I see you're angry. Teach them to take a breath, blah, blah, blah. Okay, we can do a whole episode on that. It's practice, it's messy, it's worth it. And if your family feels stuck in this endless screen cycle of nagging, bargaining, blow ups, my advice is to start small. Just have a conversation. Ask your kids, what do you love most about being online? You can tell them what you love most about being online. What's hardest about being online? You can tell them that too. You might be surprised at how honest your kids are. Once you've listened and you've shared your experiences and your concerns, that's when you can create rules together. It's not a good idea to just make rules. Don't declare phones off at 9. Instead you really do need to say, I think 9 o' clock is a good time. What do you think is a fair bedtime for phones and go from there? Not because I think you should necessarily respect them entirely, but because kids are far more likely to follow rules if they help write them. And don't forget, you gotta make your offline world really appealing. Screens are always going to be the go to if the only other option is staring at a blank wall. So make sure your house has, you know, I don't know, board games, art supplies, basketballs, or books that are similar to your child's interests. If the options are easy and fun, screens aren't always going to win. And then the last thing I found, and I've read this all over every study ever done, is that not all screen time is equal. Violent videos at midnight. That is like a huge problem. Facetiming grandma. That's fine. That's connection. YouTube tutorials to learn the guitar. Fine. That's creativity. So check the content, see what your kids are using. I like to recommend Common Sense Media. It's a website and a great tool for reviews of games, movies, like everything. I still laugh. I think about how my daughter's behavior was, like, horrific. Every time she watched two Disney Channel shows back to back the Mean girl scripts, they just seeped right into her brain. So in our house, one of our rules was she could only watch one episode and couldn't watch more than one at a time. And I often would watch with her. That tiny little rule just made a huge difference in her behavior. Okay, after all of this, after digging deep into the latest research, here's where I've landed. And tell me if you agree. Screens are not the villain, but when they crowd out sleep, movement and connection, you know, those three pillars, that's when we have to step in. And maybe, just maybe, it means that we should join a pickleball league just to be a good example. Or start a book club in person or pull out a board game after dinner. Because in the end, what makes us happiest and healthiest? You know this. It isn't scrolling. I wish it were. It's being in the same room and laughing. I love to laugh so hard I cry. It's talking and it's being together. Now, if we've followed all of this information together, I would love to hear your take. What's working in your house? Have you found a rule or routine that makes screen time easier to manage? Or maybe you've had a total failure that turned into a funny story? I want to hear that too. I especially want to hear that the best way to share is by leaving a comment in Apple reviews. That way other parents can see your ideas. They can try them in their own homes, and we can all learn from each other. And here's the fun part. I will read some of your stories on future episodes. So if you've discovered a trick that actually works or one that spectacularly did not work, leave it in your review and your story is going to make it onto the show. Because this isn't just about me giving you advice. It's about all of us figuring out how to raise kids in this digital world together and to raise ourselves. So tonight, look your child in the eye. Soak it in. That connection is what it's all about. Even if your child rolls their eyes at you and asks why you're staring at them, maybe they'll just give you a hug. For more from the pediatrician next door, find me on the web@ pediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com if you've got a question about the weird things kids do, send an email to hellopediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com for a chance to hear your voice on the show. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter. And I'm the pediatrician next door. This show is produced by Red Rock Music. Make sure to subscribe and leave a review wherever it is you're listening. I'll be back next time with more.
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