Ep. 142: Why Kids Push our Buttons: Staying Calm and Connected - with Todd Sarner

Summary

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The Pediatrician Next Door – Ep. 142

Why Kids Push Our Buttons: Staying Calm and Connected
Host: Dr. Wendy Hunter
Guest: Todd Sarner, Psychotherapist & Parenting Coach
Date: November 19, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, Dr. Wendy Hunter explores why parents often clash with their kids—whether toddler tantrums, teen eye-rolls, or repeated family power struggles. She is joined by psychotherapist and parenting coach Todd Sarner, founder of Transformative Parenting, to unpack the root causes behind kids “pushing our buttons” and how parents can cultivate more calm, connection, and resilience in family dynamics. Together, they demystify the emotional wrestling matches that tire out parents and offer a transformative roadmap built on attachment, self-regulation, and practical resets.

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Key Discussion Points

1. The Real Reason Behind Clashing With Kids

• Parenting Conflicts are Universal
  Dr. Wendy opens with a relatable story of witnessing a parent-child meltdown in a store, questioning why we repeat the same battles (03:02). She frames the episode as a quest to answer: Why do we clash even when we know better?

• Nervous System Collisions
  Todd Sarner immediately shifts perspective:

  • "Sometimes it's just a clash of nervous systems and people not being regulated." (04:02)
  • Stress and lack of regulation in both parent and child can cause emotional blow-ups.

• Parent's Role in Regulation

  • “You actually have more ability to regulate yourself than your child does themselves. And so it's kind of incumbent upon you to learn how to become a more calm parent.” (04:54)

2. The ‘Septic Tank’ Analogy: Buildup and Overflow

• Todd introduces his favorite analogy for stress/frustration tolerance:

  • “Imagine you have a septic tank inside of you...if it gets too full, you're gonna blow. Something bad’s gonna happen. And we just call that aggression.” (05:32)

• Both parent and child accumulate stress, and if either “tank” overflows, explosive reactions are inevitable.

• Dr. Wendy reflects:

  • “This image is great, even though it's gross, maybe because it's toxic. Two people, both overwhelmed, both trying to feel safe, but their stress responses are out of sync.” (06:34)

3. Prevention Over Cure: How To Disrupt The Cycle

• Don't Wait For Trigger Moments
  • Todd’s advice: “That is never going to be your most effective strategy to think, what can I do in that moment? The most effective thing to do is not get there in the first place.” (07:06)
  • Self-care, proactive “parasympathetic tone” building (using exercises like the 4-7-8 breath) are crucial.
    • 4-7-8 breathing: “Breathe in four through your nose, hold at seven, and release it through your mouth to the count of eight.” (07:47)
• Real-Life Calm
  • Dr. Wendy shares her “door handle pause” before entering the house (08:40), making a conscious choice of emotional energy.

4. Changing Your Mindset: From Blame to Understanding

• Deficit vs. Conflict Mindset

  • Todd: “If I have a mindset that my child is doing this on purpose, then I’m going to automatically have a conflict mindset… The deficit mindset is: my child doesn’t know what to do right now… Maybe my child’s just disoriented, maybe then my job is to figure out how to orient them.” (09:51)
  • Adopt an “EMT/Paramedic mindset”—focus on what’s needed now, not who’s to blame.

• Memorable Quote:

  • “Children do not wake up saying, ‘How will I frustrate my mother today?’” (11:33)

5. Why Standard Parenting Strategies Often Fail

• Sticker Charts and Timeouts Don't Fix Disconnection
  • Todd calls much conventional advice “incomplete," "one size fits all," and “reactive" (16:19–18:00).
  • Timeouts may create “defensive detachment” rather than fix the problem if a child is actually seeking connection. “You can’t sticker chart your way out of disconnection.” (19:28)

6. The Art of Repair: What to Do After a Blowout

• Simple, Guilt-Free Repair
  • Todd’s script: “Hey, I didn’t like the way I was talking to you there. Mommy really lost her temper. Daddy lost his temper. That’s not how I want to be with you. I love you. I need to do better, and I’m going to work on it.” (20:21)
  • If ruptures are frequent, focus on patterns/triggers rather than guilt: “Feeling a little bit bad about it is… okay, that’s your conscience, cool. Listen to it. But then do something about it.” (21:35)
• Pattern Recognition
  • Look for timing—are meltdowns always before school, after, or at bedtime?

7. Navigating Parental Disagreements

• Divide and Conquer Doesn’t Work
  • One parent says, “kids need more attention;” the other says “they need more limits.”
  • “They’re both right. ... Kids also need to be taught cause and effect... [but] they don’t need you to yell and scream and punish them. They need you to be firm and clear. But they also need you to have some empathy in there to balance it out a little bit.” (23:10–24:22)

8. Todd Sarner’s ‘Roadmap’ to Transformative Parenting

• Attachment Comes First

  • Start with actively building connection—greet each other, maintain physical and emotional proximity, create village/community.
  • “Imagine your kid has a little green light in their forehead, and your job is to not proceed until you get that light on.” (28:10)

• Create Predictability and Structure

  • Reduce chaos: kids need ritual, play, downtime, and predictability (29:25).

• Teaching Not Punishing

  • Discipline is about teaching and guiding, not about consequences or rewards alone.
  • Example: “If my child yells in the car, I need to calmly say that’s not okay, and if you keep doing it, I need to pull over. I’m not mad at you, but I will.” (29:45)

• Dealing with Defiance

  • Recognize willful “no” as a developmental need for autonomy.

• Memorable Todd-ism:

  • “Don’t do whack-a-mole parenting.” (24:54)

9. Resources and Further Learning

• Attachment & Connection:
  • Book: Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood
• Consequences & Self-Regulation:
  • Book: Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay
  • Children’s book: My Mouth is a Volcano for learning self-control.
• Todd Sarner’s Book:
  • The Calm and Connected Parent: An Attachment First Guide to Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of Screens and AI (32:35)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• "Sometimes it's just a clash of nervous systems and people not being regulated." — Todd Sarner (04:02)
• “Imagine you have a septic tank inside of you… if it gets too full, you’re gonna blow.” — Todd Sarner (05:32)
• “You can’t sticker chart your way out of disconnection.” — Dr. Wendy (19:28)
• “Children do not wake up saying, ‘How will I frustrate my mother today?’” — Todd Sarner (11:33)
• “If you have a mindset that my child is doing this on purpose, then I’m going to automatically have a conflict mindset.” — Todd Sarner (09:52)
• “Don’t do whack-a-mole parenting.” — Todd Sarner (24:54)
• “Imagine your kid has a little green light in their forehead, and your job is to not proceed until you get that light on.” — Todd Sarner (28:10)
• “You didn’t damage your child from a few squabbles or even if you yelled at them.” — Dr. Wendy (22:48)

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Segment Timestamps

• 03:02 – Why do we clash with our kids? (Story & Framing)
• 04:02 – The core reason: Colliding nervous systems
• 05:32 – The ‘septic tank’ analogy
• 07:06 – Why “what do I do in the moment?” is the wrong question
• 08:40 – Door handle pause & practical calming tips
• 09:51 – Shifting from blame to deficit/compassionate mindset
• 16:19 – Why classic behavioral tools fail over time
• 20:17 – How to repair after a parental blow-up
• 23:10 – Navigating disagreements between parents
• 26:02 – Todd’s roadmap explained: Attachment, predictability, and teaching
• 28:10 – “Green light” connection metaphor
• 32:35 – Recommended books & resources

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Episode Takeaways

• Clashes with kids are rarely about the surface behavior—they’re about unmet needs, overflowing “septic tanks,” and collided nervous systems.
• True parenting change starts with the parent’s own regulation and mindset shift from blame to understanding.
• Most mainstream strategies are band-aids; lasting change requires relationship resets, structure, and modeling emotional resilience.
• Repair after mistakes is not only possible but powerful—guilt is only helpful if it prompts positive change.
• Strong families balance attachment and empathy with age-appropriate boundaries, structure, and predictability.
• No quick-fix exists. The roadmap is a process that nourishes connection first, teaches proactively, and grows along with your child.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hello friends. Guess who? That's right, it is I, the replacer. Once again, I've been called on so you can play the new Call of Duty Black Ops 7 with three expansive modes, 18 multiplayer maps, and the tastiest zombie gameplay you've ever freakin seen. Call of Duty Black Ops 7 available now. Rated M for Mature.

[C]

Today I've got a mystery for us to solve that affects every single one of us. No matter your age or whether or not you have kids. It is that no matter our best intentions, sometimes we end up clashing with people. You know what I'm talking about. Sometimes it's a store clerk or an airline counter attendant. Sometimes it's our parents or our teenage children. And oftentimes it's toddlers. I promise you there is a lesson for every one of those situations in today's episode. So here is what inspired me to talk about this topic today. I was standing in line at the store last weekend when I heard it. You know, a child whining and then the no. And then the mom sighs and the kid was pleading. Mom was negotiating. I could feel my own anxiety rising. It's like parenting ptsd. I have nothing but sympathy for parents when I see this in public. This parent had already tried reasoning and bribing and then threatening to leave the store. Everybody has that moment, right? We love our kids more than anything, but sometimes it feels like we're having the same fights over and over. Not to mention the clashes with our older kids because of their eye rolling mostly. Why do we clash with our kids even when we know better? And how can we finally stop? That is what we're gonna figure out today. This may be one of the biggest mysteries I've ever explored on this show.

[D]

I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the pediatrician next door. I'm that doctor friend you call for.

[C]

Practical advice about your kid's health.

[D]

I mix the science of medicine with the reality of parenting.

[C]

Today, we're getting to the bottom of the emot emotional wrestling matches that we have with our kids that Leave us drained. And we're going to talk about how to break the cycle. Parents tell me all the time they have tried everything. I hear that phrase all the time. The sticker charts, negotiating with their kids. Bribery. That's why I'm looking for a new angle. It is time to transform parenting. And that's how I found my expert. This week, we are going to solve this issue with Todd Sarner, a psychotherapist and parenting coach, and he is founder of his clinic, aptly named Transformative Parenting. So I just dug right in, and he got right into it with me. I was like, todd, why do parents clash with their kids? What is really at the root of the problem? Skip all the stuff we already know. We have heard it before. What is happening in our heads. Here's what he thinks our inner thoughts would sound like if we put little speakers inside our amygdalas. Are you ready? This is Todd at his best. This is your kid's brain.

[E]

It's. I am having a very hard time managing my stress, my stress responses and my nervous system. You're having a hard time managing your stress responses and your nervous system, and those are clashing with each other. That's a big one. It's a regulation thing. So many parents tell me. I've worked with a couple thousand parents in parent coaching, and if they have a good day and they had a good night's sleep and they're getting along with their spouse and work went well today, and things are just flowing. Their kid does something and they're like, come on, we have to do this differently. And they have a bad night's sleep and they're fighting with their spouse, and their boss chewed them out today, and a financial hit happened, and the kid does the exact same thing, and they lose their mind. Right. So sometimes it's just a clash of nervous systems and people not being regulated. And that's why I put so much emphasis on, hey, parent, you actually have more ability to regulate yourself than your child does themselves. And so it's kind of incumbent upon you to learn how to become a more calm parent. Become more regulated.

[C]

To be honest, I'm not super excited to hear that answer. That sounds like a lot of work on my part, but it's probably what we need to hear. And regulating our own nervous system is probably beneficial to us personally and good for all of our relationships. Okay, so two nervous systems are colliding. Actually, he has an amazing analogy for this that is super going to help you understand. Wait till you hear this.

[E]

I have this Concept that I talk about a lot about resilience and adaptation. And I kind of explained this to parents by saying, look, imagine you have a septic tank inside of you. In the literature, they talk about frustration tolerance and things like this. But I say, imagine you have a septic tank and that septic tank is getting full. Imagine your child has a septic tank and that's getting full. And it's getting full from all sorts of little and medium and big things in life. I couldn't make this happen today. My teacher got mad at me today. I kind of wanted to stay home. My parents are fighting today or whatever, and that builds up, and if it gets too full, you're gonna blow. Something bad's gonna happen. And we just call that aggression. Whether it's physical aggression, especially when they're younger, emotional, psychological stuff, passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, it erupts. And that is just gonna happen. If this. If, like. Let's just say we allow our children's septic tank to get too full. What if ours is too.

[C]

This image is great, even though it's gross, maybe because it's toxic. Two people, both overwhelmed, both trying to feel safe, but their stress responses are out of sync. I can picture this overflow and understand I need to work on myself as a parent. But that takes time. None of us can keep our septic tanks low all the time immediately. Not when we've been in this pattern of clashing and butting heads for so long. So I asked Todd, what can I do now in the moment when it's happening?

[E]

Look, that is never going to be your most effective strategy to think, what can I do in that moment? It will never be satisfying. The most effective thing. And it is a great question, because we all get there, right? But the most effective thing to do is not get there in the first place. Honestly, that sounds so simple. Yeah, Todd. But somebody might be listening and saying, because they blew up yesterday at their kid, it makes 100 times more sense to keep your septic tank low, to get out your feelings and your frustrations, and to build up what we call your parasympathetic tone by taking a walk in the morning, doing 20 minutes of meditation, doing breathing exercises like 4, 7, 8. Breathing. Simple as can be. I wish I could profit off teaching that to you, but I can't because I just told you, breathe in four through your nose, hold at seven, and release it through your mouth to the count of eight. Do that. I used to do that every day on the way to work when I had a commute I would do that before any public talk. Doing things like this and investing and building up your kind of, like, calm resources is your number one thing.

[C]

That idea that parents need to be in the right place themselves is so simple and so easy to forget. But it's everything. When we're constantly rushing, multitasking, or worrying about the next meltdown, our bodies stay in that fight or flight mode. And when we're there, even small things that our kids do, like spilling cereal or taking too long to put on their shoes, can feel like an emergency to our body. Todd reminds us that we can't show up calm if our own nervous system is fried. But hear me on this. This is good news. It doesn't take a full spa day to reset, though you should definitely make time for that. Sometimes it's as small as taking the long way home with the windows down in your minivan, standing barefoot in the grass for 30 seconds before you go inside your house, or actually sitting down while you drink your coffee instead of drinking it on the go. One thing I do very often is what I call the door handle pause before I walk into the house. At the end of the day, I take a deep breath and I decide the spirit I want to bring inside my home. How do I want to make people feel when they're around me? Because when I am in a calm, parasympathetic state, I see my kids differently. I realize they're not giving me a hard time, they're having a hard time. And that's exactly where Todd goes next. Because it's not only about calming ourselves, it's also about changing the way we see our children. Stick with me here.

[E]

I find this to be such a valuable mindset to have in those moments that if I have a mindset that my child is doing this on purpose, then I'm going to automatically have a conflict mindset. I'm going to be antagonistic with my child or my spouse, by the way. Like, if I. If I think my spouse is doing something on purpose to upset me or not meet my needs on purpose. If I try to have a deficit mindset, if I try to have that pause in my brain that goes, okay, what's going on here? The deficit mindset is more like, my child doesn't know what to do right now. My child doesn't know how to use their words. I allowed my child's septic tank to get up to a 9 or a 10. That doesn't make me a horrible parent, but at least I can stop and pause and Go. I saw clues that they were at a 6 or 7 earlier and I didn't do anything about it. So I don't have to be mean, mean to myself, but at least maybe I can pause, you know what I mean? That is the most effective intervention is educating, filling the gap of what's actually going on here. Take a deep breath. And the best attitude to have when stuff's hitting the fan is I teach people when there's incidents of aggression and stuff to take, like a, an emt, a paramedic mindset. My job is not to assign blame. This came to me when I had a car accident a few years ago. Somebody ran into me and then hit a couple other cars because they were going so fast. And the paramedics showed up and everybody was like, it's his fault. It's her fault this happened. That happened. The paramedic. I don't care. Are you okay? Okay, you go over here. Okay. Hey, this isn't working. You go over there. That is the attitude that I teach parents to have. If you just try to have that attitude that my child's not. I joke about this all the time. Children do not wake up saying, how will I frustrate my mother today? You know, I'm totally not going to listen to her when she tells me something after school. Like, that doesn't happen. Not really. Sometimes when they're teenagers, we kind of get close sometimes, but usually underneath it's just, I don't feel connected to you right now. I feel overwhelmed. And that's what's the root. So if I can try to have some kind of mantra like that, like maybe my child's just disoriented, maybe then my job is to figure out how to orient them.

[C]

When we stop seeing our child's behavior as something they're doing to us and start seeing it as a sign they're confused or disconnected. Everything shifts once you notice that. The real question is how do you reset? How do you turn things around and help both of you feel calm and connected again? We're going to figure that out after this quick break. How do you stay hydrated? For me, it depends on the day. Sometimes I'm running between patients, sometimes I'm traveling and sometimes I just forget to drink enough water. That's why I always have a few cure hydration packs in my bag. Cure is clean and simple. Plant based electrolytes, no added sugar and only 25 calories. I love that it hydrates better than water alone and actually makes me want to drink more. My favorite flavor right now is berry pomegranate. It's refreshing without being too sweet or artificial. Cure has made staying hydrated so much easier. Whether I'm on the go all day or working out, I just mix a packet into my water bottle and I'm good to go. Staying hydrated isn't just about water.

[D]

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[C]

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[D]

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[C]

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[D]

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[C]

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[F]

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[E]

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[G]

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[C]

Before the break. Parenting coach Todd Sarner helped us see that when kids act out, they're not trying to give us a hard time. They're showing us that they need connection. But here's the tough part. Even once we understand that most of the strategies parents are told to use don't really help. Have you tried sticker charts? Yeah. You have timeouts, deep breaths? Yes. They all work for a day or maybe longer, but then we always seem to be right back in the same loop. Todd says there's a reason for that.

[E]

I find that most parenting advice not all. And luckily, this has changed a bit. Most parenting advice is incomplete. It's one size fits all. And quite often it's reactive. It's, what do you do when your child does this to make them stop? Right. And that's not the right narrative to have from the beginning. And we've already touched on some of these things. A lot of parenting advice I find, even by good intentioned people, is they have a good relationship with their kids. They do certain things. People around them say, you have a great relationship with your kids and it's all working. What do you do? You should write it down. And then they tell everybody. But what that presupposes is that the relationship is in a good place. Right. And I find that a lot of the parenting advice that people are given is again, not getting to the root of what's really going on with the child. And it doesn't honor relationship. Like it used to be the worst thing in the world you could do to shun somebody or to send them away. That was the worst thing you could do. Pretend they weren't there. Right. But timeouts became a really, really big automatic one size fits all solution. And I think pediatricians at one point were just like, how do we get parents to stop spanking their kids? So like, okay, let's give them a timeout. But sometimes that works against you. Your child is acting up a little bit and they're trying to get attention and they're feeling disoriented and so they start poking and then you go, go to your room. That was the opposite of what they were seeking. They were seeking proximity. So the first couple times you do it with some kids, they're like, oh, no, no, no, okay, I won't, I won't, I won't. You know, and then you go, that works. That's awesome. Right? But then it stops working because A kid's natural instinct is to attach. It is biologically, psychologically, emotionally, at such deep levels. Kids are born with the instinct to attach to you. That is a strong bond. And they seek that proximity with you physically. They seek it emotionally. They seek it psychologically. And when we use that instinct to attach against them by saying, you can't be around me or you have to go away, that causes, unfortunately, a byproduct of attachment in that instinct called defensive detachment, which is eventually kids start just going, okay, fine, I don't care, whatever. And when they're in that place, nothing works. Most parenting advice, I think, doesn't work because it's either, this is what I did with my kid, but you have three kids and they're all different, or it's reactive or it's piecemeal, I believe. Look, I think I've developed a really good roadmap. I like it. I'm proud of it.

[C]

Todd says when parents say they've tried everything, it usually means they've tried every behavioral tactic, the timeouts, reward charts, consequences. But they haven't tried a true relationship reset. You can't sticker chart your way out of disconnection. If your child's behavior is coming from disconnection, no amount of consequences or reward charts is going to fix it. You can't discipline a child into feeling safe with you. What really works is repairing the relationship, getting that sense of connection back so they can calm down and listen. But that's obviously easier said than done, especially when you've just had a big blow up and everyone's upset. So I asked Todd, what does that reset actually look like in the moment if you're in the middle of a big blowout?

[E]

If you do blow up, keep it simple.

[C]

Don't.

[E]

Don't make it about them. If you only. Wouldn't, you know, none of that. Hey, I didn't like the way I was talking to you there. Mommy really lost her temper. Daddy lost his temper. That's not how I want to be with you. I love you. I need to do better, and I'm going to work on it. And I love you, and that's it. Don't go into your history and how your parents treated you. And if it's happening a lot, then I still don't want to make you feel guilty or bad, but kind of look at that. If it's happening a lot, the repair and the apologies will have lesser effect. I'm just trying to be real. I'm not trying to. Again, there's so much Parental guilt. There's so much pressure, I find, especially among moms that I work with, there's so much extra pressure on moms. Usually moms tend to be the ones carrying more of the mental load. And because they're carrying more of the mental load, which is such a big topic these days, comes up in almost every couple that I work with. Mental load ideas. Moms are the ones who sometimes are coming to me with this, hey, if it's happening a lot, step back a little bit. Feeling a little bit bad about it is. Okay, okay, I feel a little guilty. I shouldn't, okay, that's your conscience, cool. Listen to it. But then do something about it. Add an extra self care practice. Find some help around that specific issue that keeps happening. Look at, hey, is this always happening at the same time of day? Maybe we. Because that always is when people tell me their kids blow up, I go, okay, is it right before school, is it right after school? Or is it right before bed? And like, how'd you know that? Because that's when it almost always is. Okay, so maybe you need to look at having a little bit more structure at night and a little bit more predictability and another ritual or something. Because a lot of times what's happening is you didn't do that and things were allowed to boil or they weren't, you know, your kid didn't downregulate enough. But repair, very simple. I didn't mean to do that. I want to do better. You don't deserve that. I love you. I'm working on it, I promise. Even if I lose my mind sometimes, even if mommy forgets how much I love you in a moment, I always come back to it. I always come back to I love you. And I always come back to, we're going to figure it out.

[C]

It's a relief to know that even if things get messy, you can always come back and repair. You didn't damage your child from a few squabbles or even if you yelled at them. But sometimes the hardest part isn't just calming your child. It's when you and your partner don't agree on how to handle those moments. You know what I'm talking about. So what are we supposed to do? Is if parents aren't on the same.

[E]

Page, one of the parents is almost always afterwards. I feel guilty, I feel bad. They need more of our attention. They're not getting enough of us. I read this thing about attachment and it says that, you know, the relationship matters the most and we have to do this that's usually the mom, but it's not always the mom. And then the other parent is, they need more limits. We are spoiling them. It's usually dad, but not always. And then because they're both entrenched in these positions, they polarize more in their positions. And by the time they come to me, they're really locked in like, he's not listening to me. The kids need more attachments. She's spoiling these kids. And I don't believe in kids need boundaries. And my dad would have never let me talk to him that way. Right. The thing is, they're both right. Okay, but with a caveat. I would say mom is right or that parent is right. Hey, there's probably an attachment problem here. There's probably something where the kids attachment cups are not full enough often enough. And that is the root of most of the issues. But kids also need to be taught cause and effect. They also need to be taught that, hey, if you're yelling in the car, I pull over the car. I don't need to yell at you. I don't need to threaten for 20 minutes that I'm going to pull over the car. I just need to pull over the car. And now 20 minutes that we spent in the car comes out of the time we were going to be at the park. That's not a punishment. That's just reality because we had to pull over. Right? And kids need limits. They need you to say no to them, but they don't need you to yell and scream and punish them. They need you to say no. And they need you to be firm and clear. But they also need you to have some empathy in there to balance it out a little bit. Both parents are speaking truth. They're just doing it the wrong way in the wrong order, and they're fighting about it, right? Whatever guide you find, whatever roadmap you find, find the right guide and find the right roadmap. Don't just do whack a mole parenting, which I talk about all the time, which is like, oh, this kid's having this problem. Let's find a solution, okay? And then this kid's having this problem, right? Don't do it that way. It's draining. Find a good guide, find a good narrative, and start talking to your spouse like, hey, you're right, they do need boundaries. I just think they also need this. How do we work together to make this work? How do we work to balance it? And having a guide or a roadmap to point to is usually a Helping thing.

[C]

Let's talk about parenting, rehab. It's not punishment, no judgment here. It's. It's just a reset button for your whole family. So what is the roadmap? Let's get into it.

[E]

And so I would encourage you put a plan in place, find that roadmap, but have a mindset of, we're gonna do this for a few months. Because the way these things change and the way that I've just kind of dialed it in myself, and my practice is, let's do a little at a time. Let's learn a little bit about attachment. Let's learn a little bit about needs. Let's go out and try it. Then let's talk about it, and let's work it through, and then let's move on to the next thing, and then let's have a little bit more structure, and then let's do some consequences the right way and get on the same page now. Let's learn how to set limits. Right? But that is the way it changes, guys. It doesn't change because you read a blog post. It doesn't change because you read a book. We've mentioned Dr. Becky a couple times. There's very few people out there that I agree with as much as Dr. Becky. She's awesome. She's great. It's good to see her blowing up. And on all the podcasts, and if that works for you, go do that. I just find sometimes an app or a one thing doesn't do it. It's a process that you have to go through, find a trusted third party that can speak to both of you, whether it's a therapist, sometimes, because the alternatives are. I have. I have a lot of parents that I've worked with that are like, they didn't even consider parent coaching because they didn't even know what it was. And my roadmap, though, is the way I do it. And I would encourage you to follow this, whether you talk to me about it or not. I could go straight to talking to you about resistance and defiance, because that's what most of my parents want me to do. They want the first session to be about that. But I don't do that. I've talked to you for three or four weeks about how to keep a more constant, active connection in your home with your kids, because I know by the time we get to resistance and defiance, you're going to tell me the same thing that almost every parent tells me. Todd, I still want to hear this, but I got to tell you, it's not Happening as much. And I respond in a very mature way, and I say, duh, because you're spending more time keeping that green light on, right? I have a little green light in my screen that tells me the camera's working. I have a little green light on the side of my MacBook that says, the power is plugged in. Imagine your kid has a little green light in their forehead, and your job is to not proceed until you get that light on. Right? So the roadmap. I want to stray there. The other developmental instinct to resist and defy some people are like, wait, you said there was two. Is sometimes I need to make room for my own development. Sometimes I need to figure out what I think, what I feel about something. It might be the exact same thing you do, Mom. But right now, I need to say no first, and then I need to figure out how I feel. That is an important part of your child's development for them to become willful in a powerful, good way, a resilient human being. So they need to develop that over time. And unfortunately, that's going to come at my expense when I say, you want to go to ice cream? And they go, no. You know? So I start out with attachment and connection. Build more of a culture where we greet each other first, where we help children feel connected when they're apart, where we build a village where we take our rightful position that we're supposed to be in as leaders by being an alpha parent. And that means to me, not a dictator, but a papa bear or a mama bear.

[C]

That.

[E]

That's your attitude, Right? I got this. You're not their best friend. You're not a dictator. But then I talk to people, and this is how I would follow the roadmap. Look at your life. Is it crazy? Is it hectic? Do your kids not know what's happening from day to day? And are they going from school to enrichment to enrichment, to tutor to enrichment, to homework, to bed? Right. Kids need downtime, Kids need to play, and kids need predictability, and they need structure and they need ritual. So if that's not present enough in your life because it's so crazy, bring some of that more in. But then the third phase is after you've paid attention more to attachment and connection, after you looked at regulation and teaching consequences and predictability. Now, are there behavior problems still? Well, again, people usually say to me, todd, I still want to talk about discipline, but things are way better. Yes, duh. But we still need to know that behavior is usually a signal that our child doesn't know how to do something back to our deficit model. So I do have to have developmentally friendly, developmentally safe, relationship friendly responses that are effective to like if my child yells in the car, I need to calmly say that's not okay. And if you keep doing it, I need to pull over. I'm not mad at you, but I will. And then I need to do it right. Stuff like that. That's the roadmap that I suggest.

[C]

If you're feeling stuck in those same old clashes with your kids, Todd's roadmap gives us a way forward. Your first step is education. Learn about attachment and connection. One place to start is to find a book about attachment or one idea is Eli Harwood's book Raising Securely Attached Kids. Your next stage is learning about consequences and self regulation. This is where you teach your child what to do instead of teaching them what not to do. There's a subtle difference and you gotta teach them how to calm themselves when emotions run high. A good resource for this stage is Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay. I loved that book. I don't even know if it's in print anymore. And if you have younger kids, I like using children's books. Like there's one called My Mouth is a Volcano that can help them see what self control looks like in real life. Next, take a look at your family's predictability, rituals, rhythms. Todd says kids don't just need love, they need a sense of security, of what's coming next. And that might mean protecting quiet time, keeping bedtime rituals or creating anchors in the week like Sunday pancakes or a walk after dinner. Even five minutes of something predictable that happens on a routine basis tells kids you're safe and you can relax. You know what's coming. Todd says that if you do all of these things, by this point most families already notice a huge difference. Things are gonna feel lighter, and then you can move on to that final step. Remember, your kids just don't know some things yet. They're still learning emotional skills, self control and empathy. Just like we're still learning patience. I saved the best for last. And that is Todd Sarner's new book. It's called the Calm and Connected An Attachment First Guide to Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of screens and AI. Todd that's a very long title, but we'll just stick with calling it the Calm and Connected Parent. It's a great book. It shares real stories and easy tools that guide you through his roadmap. And it has a ton of resources in one place. You'll find links for all these resources in the show. Notes thank you so much, Todd, for sharing your advice and your humor. If this episode helped you see your family's conflicts in a new light, please, please, please share it with a friend who might need a little hope today. And don't forget to follow the pediatrician next door wherever you listen.

[D]

For more from the Pediatrician Next Door, find me on the web@ pediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com if you've got a question about the weird things kids do, send an email to helloediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com for a chance to to hear your voice on the show. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the Pediatrician next Door. This show is produced by Red Rock Music. Make sure to subscribe and leave a review wherever it is you're listening. I'll be back next time with more.

[C]

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