The Pediatrician Next Door – Ep. 142

Why Kids Push Our Buttons: Staying Calm and Connected
Host: Dr. Wendy Hunter
Guest: Todd Sarner, Psychotherapist & Parenting Coach
Date: November 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, Dr. Wendy Hunter explores why parents often clash with their kids—whether toddler tantrums, teen eye-rolls, or repeated family power struggles. She is joined by psychotherapist and parenting coach Todd Sarner, founder of Transformative Parenting, to unpack the root causes behind kids “pushing our buttons” and how parents can cultivate more calm, connection, and resilience in family dynamics. Together, they demystify the emotional wrestling matches that tire out parents and offer a transformative roadmap built on attachment, self-regulation, and practical resets.

Key Discussion Points

1. The Real Reason Behind Clashing With Kids

• Parenting Conflicts are Universal
  Dr. Wendy opens with a relatable story of witnessing a parent-child meltdown in a store, questioning why we repeat the same battles (03:02). She frames the episode as a quest to answer: Why do we clash even when we know better?

• Nervous System Collisions
  Todd Sarner immediately shifts perspective:

  • "Sometimes it's just a clash of nervous systems and people not being regulated." (04:02)
  • Stress and lack of regulation in both parent and child can cause emotional blow-ups.

• Parent's Role in Regulation

  • “You actually have more ability to regulate yourself than your child does themselves. And so it's kind of incumbent upon you to learn how to become a more calm parent.” (04:54)

2. The ‘Septic Tank’ Analogy: Buildup and Overflow

• Todd introduces his favorite analogy for stress/frustration tolerance:

  • “Imagine you have a septic tank inside of you...if it gets too full, you're gonna blow. Something bad’s gonna happen. And we just call that aggression.” (05:32)

• Both parent and child accumulate stress, and if either “tank” overflows, explosive reactions are inevitable.

• Dr. Wendy reflects:

  • “This image is great, even though it's gross, maybe because it's toxic. Two people, both overwhelmed, both trying to feel safe, but their stress responses are out of sync.” (06:34)

3. Prevention Over Cure: How To Disrupt The Cycle

• Don't Wait For Trigger Moments
  • Todd’s advice: “That is never going to be your most effective strategy to think, what can I do in that moment? The most effective thing to do is not get there in the first place.” (07:06)
  • Self-care, proactive “parasympathetic tone” building (using exercises like the 4-7-8 breath) are crucial.
    • 4-7-8 breathing: “Breathe in four through your nose, hold at seven, and release it through your mouth to the count of eight.” (07:47)
• Real-Life Calm
  • Dr. Wendy shares her “door handle pause” before entering the house (08:40), making a conscious choice of emotional energy.

4. Changing Your Mindset: From Blame to Understanding

• Deficit vs. Conflict Mindset

  • Todd: “If I have a mindset that my child is doing this on purpose, then I’m going to automatically have a conflict mindset… The deficit mindset is: my child doesn’t know what to do right now… Maybe my child’s just disoriented, maybe then my job is to figure out how to orient them.” (09:51)
  • Adopt an “EMT/Paramedic mindset”—focus on what’s needed now, not who’s to blame.

• Memorable Quote:

  • “Children do not wake up saying, ‘How will I frustrate my mother today?’” (11:33)

5. Why Standard Parenting Strategies Often Fail

• Sticker Charts and Timeouts Don't Fix Disconnection
  • Todd calls much conventional advice “incomplete," "one size fits all," and “reactive" (16:19–18:00).
  • Timeouts may create “defensive detachment” rather than fix the problem if a child is actually seeking connection. “You can’t sticker chart your way out of disconnection.” (19:28)

6. The Art of Repair: What to Do After a Blowout

• Simple, Guilt-Free Repair
  • Todd’s script: “Hey, I didn’t like the way I was talking to you there. Mommy really lost her temper. Daddy lost his temper. That’s not how I want to be with you. I love you. I need to do better, and I’m going to work on it.” (20:21)
  • If ruptures are frequent, focus on patterns/triggers rather than guilt: “Feeling a little bit bad about it is… okay, that’s your conscience, cool. Listen to it. But then do something about it.” (21:35)
• Pattern Recognition
  • Look for timing—are meltdowns always before school, after, or at bedtime?

7. Navigating Parental Disagreements

• Divide and Conquer Doesn’t Work
  • One parent says, “kids need more attention;” the other says “they need more limits.”
  • “They’re both right. ... Kids also need to be taught cause and effect... [but] they don’t need you to yell and scream and punish them. They need you to be firm and clear. But they also need you to have some empathy in there to balance it out a little bit.” (23:10–24:22)

8. Todd Sarner’s ‘Roadmap’ to Transformative Parenting

• Attachment Comes First

  • Start with actively building connection—greet each other, maintain physical and emotional proximity, create village/community.
  • “Imagine your kid has a little green light in their forehead, and your job is to not proceed until you get that light on.” (28:10)

• Create Predictability and Structure

  • Reduce chaos: kids need ritual, play, downtime, and predictability (29:25).

• Teaching Not Punishing

  • Discipline is about teaching and guiding, not about consequences or rewards alone.
  • Example: “If my child yells in the car, I need to calmly say that’s not okay, and if you keep doing it, I need to pull over. I’m not mad at you, but I will.” (29:45)

• Dealing with Defiance

  • Recognize willful “no” as a developmental need for autonomy.

• Memorable Todd-ism:

  • “Don’t do whack-a-mole parenting.” (24:54)

9. Resources and Further Learning

• Attachment & Connection:
  • Book: Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood
• Consequences & Self-Regulation:
  • Book: Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay
  • Children’s book: My Mouth is a Volcano for learning self-control.
• Todd Sarner’s Book:
  • The Calm and Connected Parent: An Attachment First Guide to Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of Screens and AI (32:35)

Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• "Sometimes it's just a clash of nervous systems and people not being regulated." — Todd Sarner (04:02)
• “Imagine you have a septic tank inside of you… if it gets too full, you’re gonna blow.” — Todd Sarner (05:32)
• “You can’t sticker chart your way out of disconnection.” — Dr. Wendy (19:28)
• “Children do not wake up saying, ‘How will I frustrate my mother today?’” — Todd Sarner (11:33)
• “If you have a mindset that my child is doing this on purpose, then I’m going to automatically have a conflict mindset.” — Todd Sarner (09:52)
• “Don’t do whack-a-mole parenting.” — Todd Sarner (24:54)
• “Imagine your kid has a little green light in their forehead, and your job is to not proceed until you get that light on.” — Todd Sarner (28:10)
• “You didn’t damage your child from a few squabbles or even if you yelled at them.” — Dr. Wendy (22:48)

Segment Timestamps

• 03:02 – Why do we clash with our kids? (Story & Framing)
• 04:02 – The core reason: Colliding nervous systems
• 05:32 – The ‘septic tank’ analogy
• 07:06 – Why “what do I do in the moment?” is the wrong question
• 08:40 – Door handle pause & practical calming tips
• 09:51 – Shifting from blame to deficit/compassionate mindset
• 16:19 – Why classic behavioral tools fail over time
• 20:17 – How to repair after a parental blow-up
• 23:10 – Navigating disagreements between parents
• 26:02 – Todd’s roadmap explained: Attachment, predictability, and teaching
• 28:10 – “Green light” connection metaphor
• 32:35 – Recommended books & resources

Episode Takeaways

• Clashes with kids are rarely about the surface behavior—they’re about unmet needs, overflowing “septic tanks,” and collided nervous systems.
• True parenting change starts with the parent’s own regulation and mindset shift from blame to understanding.
• Most mainstream strategies are band-aids; lasting change requires relationship resets, structure, and modeling emotional resilience.
• Repair after mistakes is not only possible but powerful—guilt is only helpful if it prompts positive change.
• Strong families balance attachment and empathy with age-appropriate boundaries, structure, and predictability.
• No quick-fix exists. The roadmap is a process that nourishes connection first, teaches proactively, and grows along with your child.