← The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
When Is a Child Ready for School? Starting Preschool and Moving to the Next Grade
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- [00:00]
Dr. Wendy Hunter
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- [01:37]
Caller/Parent
No, it's our honor.
- [01:38]
Dr. Wendy Hunter
It is our larger honor. No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side and participate in McDonald's while supplies last. Hey there. I have been getting a lot of questions lately about school. So what we're going to figure out today is all about how to handle preschool, kindergarten, school readiness. I get questions like this all the time, like, is daycare good for kids? When should my child start preschool? Should they start kindergarten at 5 or 6? And I'm going to tell you that all of these questions have one thing in common and it's not school. The thing they have in Common is that every mom or parent makes a statement somewhere in their question that they just feel so much pressure. Pressure to do the right thing, whatever that is. Pressure to get ahead. I have two moms today who sent me questions, and what they want to know is what to do without pressure. That's next. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the pediatrician next door. I'm that doctor friend you call for practical advice about your kid's health. I mix the science of medicine with the reality of parenting.
- [02:50]
Caller/Parent
Hi, Dr. Wendy, first time caller, longtime listener. I started looking at preschools for my daughter June when she was around about seven months old because I was convinced I was already behind. The first school I checked out, recommended by a few mom friends that I trusted, ended up being the one that we applied to International Montessori. I was so nervous for the first interview. Seven months postpartum and brain foggy. I even had my mom sit in on the zoom for moral support. Thankfully, it went well. We toured the school, loved it, and June has a spot there at the age of three. They've also said she could start earlier if we want. So my question is, do you have thoughts on starting at 2 versus waiting until 3? Thank you.
- [03:28]
Dr. Wendy Hunter
This question sounds really simple and I wish I could just say, like, start preschool at 28 months. That's the right answer, but obviously I wouldn't have an episode. There was an easy answer. I mean, boring. The answer is that it's not about age at all. If you have researched preschools and I can't believe this mom's search included a zoom meeting, like, that's wow, there is a lot of pressure. Or if you've just talked to other parents, you know, there are some very strong opinions out there. You're going to hear that starting early gives kids an advantage, that preschool builds social skills and sets them up for maybe a shot at the Ivy League. On the other side, there are movements that say kids are being pushed into structured environments too early. They need more time to play, to be at home and given the opportunity to develop at their own pace. And then there's this middle ground. So I want to find that how do you know when is the right age and what is the right preschool? Let's start with what the research shows because, you know, I love evidence. When we look at the science, there is a pretty clear overall message that, yes, high quality preschool is beneficial. For example, there was a large study published in the journal Child Development. Seems like they should know it looked at children in what researchers call center based care, which means formal daycare in preschool settings, rather than just like less formal places like in home preschools. And what they found was that those children start kindergarten with stronger early reading and math skills. Compared to children who stayed at home until kindergarten. These preschool graduates were more familiar with routines, more comfortable in a classroom, and better prepared for structured learning. Okay, so perfect. I get it. There are also some very well known long term studies, and one of the most famous is called the HighScope Perry Preschool Study. And this one followed a group of children from preschool all the way into adulthood. And what these researchers found was very compelling. Children who attended high quality preschools were more likely to graduate from high school, earn more money as adults, and they even had better health. Okay, have you heard of Head Start? This is another one that's been studied for decades. Head Start is a federally funded preschool program for families who might not otherwise be able to access early education. But this one is more than school. Head Start also provides healthcare, some nutrition, and family education, and support to families. Research shows that kids in Head Start begin kindergarten with better academic and social skills, especially if they are coming from a home where opportunities are not as available. So when people say that preschool matters, they are correct. It can't be argued, yes, your child should go to preschool. And I'm really excited that June was already accepted. That's like, yay, good for you. And you chose a good school. But, and this is where it gets more nuanced. The benefits are not the same for every kid or for every program. Okay, you heard me use the term high quality. What does that mean? A report from the National Institute for Early Education Research makes this point very clear. The biggest benefits are seen in high quality programs, which means they have trained teachers and there are standards for them, very small class sizes, and there is a strong relationship between the teachers and the kids. And when programs don't meet these high quality standards, the benefits are smaller or even disappear. So the program that you choose matters a lot. And it sounds like you've got an ideal program. So good job starting early on this process. There's also an interesting piece of research from the study of early childcare and youth development, which followed children over many, many years. And that study found that kids in early childcare settings, as opposed to preschool, sometimes did also show better early academic skills. But their social and emotional abilities totally depended on their interactions with their caregivers. And it didn't matter if that was at home with their parents or in the classroom. All that mattered was how involved attentive and caring the adult in their life was. In other words, relationships with adults matter far more than location. So if you have a loving, caring daycare provider, that is fantastic. There is no mom guilt about going to work and dropping off your toddler when someone out there is giving them attention and love. The research doesn't tell us that every child needs preschool at a certain age. What it tells us is that high quality early experiences are helpful whether those happen in preschool or at home. So my next question is, when is the right age to start? And this is where we need to talk about development, because it depends on your child. As you know, around age 2 or 3, kids will do what we call parallel play. They play alongside other kids, they copy them, they do the same thing at the same time, but they don't really interact with each other. Okay, so this is age 2 or 3. They don't, like, take turns. These kids are totally connected to their parents. And so for most kids, preschool at this age is optional. However, there are some really social, really busy kids who need and want to spend time in a group setting. Other kids might find it overwhelming. Everybody's different. I mean, adults are no different. You know, you know, your party people and your hermits. One of the things I love for kids that do go to preschool is that they get to try things that you might not expose them to at home. Maybe it's going to be the first time they ever play a drum and that becomes their lifelong passion. Or they ride a tricycle and they decide they want to grow up to be, I don't know, a clown. I mean, we're the parents that forgot to teach our son to ride a bike. And school might have helped us with that. Okay, so by age 3 and into 4, your child's gonna change a lot. They are gonna learn a lot of new words and their language is going to expand very quickly. I mean, you don't want to teach kids potty words, but they probably should learn them somewhere, right? So maybe school's the right place. Plus, three and four year old kids start to want to engage with each other. There's no more parallel play. So it's probably time for preschool. They start cooperating with others. So watch for that. They learn how to wait and they figure out how to deal with social stuff. So watch them on the playground. At this age, like age 3 to 4, if your kid is all about, like, pulling together a group of kids to play a game, it's probably time for them to start preschool. All right. As children get older, closer to 5, we start to see them use their frontal lobe. They're better at following directions, they can handle transitions, and they are more capable of taking part in a structured program. So this lines up with what researchers have seen in studies of pre kindergarten, which shows that kids who go to preschool before kindergarten are more ready for kindergarten, especially in terms of attention, their early literacy skills, and their ability to regulate their own self. These are the kids who know how to line up, pick the best chair in the classroom, and they know how to sit crisscross applesauce like a pro. So how does this help you decide when to start preschool? In my experience, preschool works best when a child is starting to want more interaction, when they seem bored at home, if they're curious about other kids and they can adapt to new environments without a lot of stress. On the other hand, you should wait. If your child is one of those slow to warm kids, as we call them, if separation is, like always stressful for them, maybe just wait. And if your home environment is already rich with conversation and play and singing and activities, just keep her at home. The truth is, there's no developmental deadline that says a kid has to start preschool at 2 or even 3. There is pressure in parenting culture that can make families feel like they're falling behind if their child isn't in preschool. But a loving, engaged home, it's a superpower. In fact, one of the studies that I mentioned earlier found that the quality of parenting, things like your responsiveness to your child, talking to your child a lot, and emotional support, those were the strongest predictors of a child's development and success in school, even more than whether they were in preschool. We know that children who are at home often do get more one on one interaction. They have more flexibility in their day, which is like, really important. They we know from studies that they get more sleep and they have more opportunities for real life learning by talking with you and playing with you. Things like cooking together, jumping in a pile of leaves together, going to the grocery store and seeing all the fun things there, Great language skills, emotional security and curiosity, all of those things can be made outside of the classroom. Now, what if you decide you do want to explore preschool? What if your kid's ready? What should you look for? The most important factor is to focus on quality. When you walk into the classroom, pay attention to how the teachers are interacting with the kids. Are they warm and responsive? Are they actually getting down to the child's level, like on their knees and engaging in conversation rather than just giving them instructions? This Relational piece matters more than almost anything else. So look for a program that allows lots of free play, especially for the younger kids. And you want an environment that's calm and organized, not chaotic and overstimulating. Also, ask some of the practical questions, like how do they handle separation anxiety? What does a typical day look like? How do the teachers approach social challenges between kids? Because those are going to happen. What do the teachers do if a kid bites another kid? Also going to happen. How do they respond to developmental events like kids peeing their pants? It's the big deal. Then there are the logistical pieces. These actually matter more than you'd expect. So how far away is the school from your home? That makes a big difference. Long commutes can turn preschool into a really stressful time for everybody. Also, some schools expect you to be involved, while others don't need the parents there. I mean, how much time do you have to participate in preschool? That's kind of the whole point of preschool is to drop them off anyway. There's the structure of the day to ask about, too. Is it a half day or a full day? That can have a big impact, depending on your child's temperament and their energy level. So do they nap at school? Do they need to? A lot of kids do still need a nap until age 5. So make sure that you know your child's needs are going to be met in terms of sleep. Okay, where does this leave us? There's no one right age to start preschool. There's only the right time for your child and for your family, and only you know, your child. So choose the path that fits your child best. And now you know what questions to ask. After this quick break, we're going to speed ahead to the elementary school years and talk about a girl who's not sure if she should repeat a grade or if it would be better for her to stay back a year. That's next. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. 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- [15:48]
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- [16:21]
Dr. Wendy Hunter
Okay, I have a text I'm going to read you. I got this, I don't know, two or three weeks ago. It was from a dear friend of mine and she said, here it is. Sometimes my daughter comes home crying, feeling like she's failed because she can't read as well as her peers. She's in first grade, but I originally had this thought in kindergarten that maybe she should repeat the year. She also has a speech delay so she's not meeting the requirements for reading and language arts. But the school was saying how they have the no student left behind and they couldn't hold her back. So I was debating that if holding her back would be beneficial for her because I don't want her to feel like she's behind and put herself down. There's a lot more pressure with kids to keep up and it's great for the kids that exceed and meet those standards, but what about the kids who don't? During her standardized testing in the beginning of the school year, she did not have a high score and all I got was an email stating exactly that, but no solution or support was offered. I brought this up with her teacher and she is doing a great job meeting my daughter where she is, but I don't feel the school as a whole does a good job. What do I do? Ask them to let her repeat the year? Yeah, it actually was a pretty long text. She sent it in three sections, so don't worry, it wasn't that crazy. Anyway, this is perhaps the hardest thing to see as a parent when your child starts comparing themselves and feeling like they're not measuring up. It is so painful. So first, I just want to say you are not alone in this, mama. This is very common in early elementary school especially and in kindergarten, first grade we see it all the time. When kids enter school, there is a very large range in a kid's ability to read. Some kids are already recognizing sight words and even Reading simple books while other kids are still learning their letter sounds. And research shows that by first grade, children can be years apart in their early reading skills. And that gap often has more to do with the differences in developmental timing and learning style more than intelligence or potential. So listen. Reading is one of the very most complex things we ask kids to do. Besides learning to use the potty, which is also really hard, Being able to read requires a lot of skills like memory, attention, and something called phonological awareness, being able to hear and manipulate sounds within words. So if a child has a speech delay like your daughter, that can make learning to read even harder because those sound skills are still developing. So what you're seeing this gap and this frustration, it doesn't mean she's failing. It means that she's learning a really complicated skill in a classroom when everyone is moving at different speeds. So, yeah, she's different. And that is going to make her want to compare herself to the other kids. I mean, it's hard. If you're any kind of normal mom, you're going to want to make her feel better. So here is what you say. You might say something like, learning to read is really hard and everyone learns at a different pace and you're still learning. And then just remind her of something that she can do well so that her identity isn't tied to reading. There's lots of other things I know she can do. Keep it simple and reassuring. Just say, my job is to help you get what you need to learn this, and we're going to figure it out together. Kids love to know you're on their side, and they need to hear that. And then just give her a hug or a high five. I know how tempting it is to be in this situation and think, like, maybe she's in the wrong grade. Maybe if we give her more time, she's going to catch up. And that is a very natural instinct. As a parent. You're trying to protect her from feeling like she's behind. So is repeating a grade the right answer? I know that giving her extra time another year feels like you're giving her time to catch up, to feel more confident. And in the short term, that can be true. Kids who repeat a grade do feel more capable at first, but not for very long. They've just seen the material, they're being taught again, and they're a little older. However, there are large reviews of education research, including summaries from groups like the American Academy of Pediatrics that have found that repeating a grade does not help it's kind of the opposite. Some studies have actually shown that children who are held back are at higher risk for lower self esteem, more negative feelings about school, and even higher school dropout rates. That's why experts agree that repeating a grade should be very rarely done. And it's not that your child needs more time. What the truth is is that she needs the right help. So this isn't a grade placement problem. It's a support issue. And I think that you, as a smart mom, I think you know this because you've already talked to the teacher. So the question that is going to help is to ask, is my child getting the right support? And you mentioned that the school said they couldn't hold her back because of the no Child Left Behind. And what they're actually talking about is an education policy. It's changed names. It's now called the Every Student Succeeds Act. And it encourages schools to move children forward with their peers. And I know that can be a little scary, like the system is just pushing kids along without helping them.
- [21:27]
Caller/Parent
But.
- [21:27]
Dr. Wendy Hunter
But also, most schools do follow something called a tiered system of support. And it usually starts with what the classroom teacher can provide. So extra help, small group instruction, targeted reading practice. And if your child continues to have trouble, they might move into a more structured intervention through what's called Response to Intervention, or rti. And you may want to ask about that if that's still not enough. This is where you as a parent have real power. You can formally request an evaluation for additional support services. And this is where things like an IEP or Individualized Education Program or a 504 plan come in. I did a full episode on this back in February. The title of the episode was the Real Reason to Care about Special Education. And here's the key point that a lot of parents don't realize. You don't have to wait for the school to offer this. You can ask for it. Put your request in writing, and ask for a full evaluation of your child's reading and language skills. Once that request is made, the school is required to respond and go through a formal process to determine if your daughter qualifies for services. So instead of focusing on whether your child should repeat a grade, this is where I would put your energy. Ask very directly, what support is my child receiving to learn how to read right now? How often is she getting it and how are we measuring progress? Because you really need to know that the system has pathways to help your child, but you have to be the one who activates them. Oftentimes all this being said, there are a few situations where repeating a grade might make sense. So consider this. It helps if a child is really young for their grade and showing delays across multiple areas. Not just academics, but other things like emotional maturity, attention and social skills. Holding her back might also be a good option if your child has had a major disruption like a prolonged illness, the death of a parent, something that has made it that she just hasn't had the chance to learn the material. In this case, the most important thing is that I can hear how much you care about your daughter. The fact that you're noticing this, that you're listening to her and you're asking these questions. That matters more than anything. Your daughter is learning something really hard in a system that doesn't always slow down when kids need it. And what she needs right now is not to be moved back. It's just to feel supported, understood, and reminded that she is capable. The words you say to her in these moments really do matter because this is when kids start to decide who they are. So let her know she's not the kid who can't read. She's the kid who's learning to read. And she's not alone. If this episode helped you, or if you know a parent who's watching their child struggle and wondering what to do, please share this with them. Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer each other is the reminder that we're not alone in this. Thank you both for these great questions. And if you have a question about your child's health, please send it to me. I will answer it thoughtfully. For more from the Pediatrician next door, find me on the web@ pediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com if you've got a question about the weird things kids do, send an email to hellopediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com for a chance to hear your voice on the show. I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the Pediatrician next Door. This show is produced by Red Rock Music. Make sure to subscribe and and leave a review wherever it is you're listening. I'll be back next time with more.
- [25:17]
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