690: The Pete and Sebastian Show - EP 690 - FRINGE OF SOCIETY

Summary

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The Pete and Sebastian Show — EP 690 "FRINGE OF SOCIETY" (Jan 20, 2026)

Podcast: The Pete and Sebastian Show

Hosts: Pete Correale & Sebastian Maniscalco
Theme: Two A-list comedians return after a holiday hiatus to riff on Christmas traditions, class divides, awkward social moments, and the perils of being on the "fringe" rather than at society's center.

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode, titled “FRINGE OF SOCIETY,” finds Pete and Sebastian emerging from their holiday break with fresh stories and comedic takes. They reflect on their less-mainstream place amidst Hollywood and societal “insiders,” using personal anecdotes from the holidays, encounters at high-end events, and relatable family chaos as comedic springboards. Topics range from absurd Christmas traditions to country club fashion, from getting snubbed (and snubbing others) at the Critics Choice Awards to the small indignities and compensations of a wine spill on a tuxedo.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Holiday Gift Recap & Family Traditions

• Gifts Exchanged: The duo recaps holiday gifts: Sebastian received a blowtorch-style candle lighter and “Boost” (THC tablets); Pete got a “work-of-art” glass Monopoly board, which gained ironic resonance because they’d recently discussed Pete's non-love of board games.
  • [03:10] Sebastian: "I go around and I light the candles with this blowtorch. I gotta tell you, bro, the time it saves...the efficiency is unbelievable."
  • [06:00] Pete stresses it’s a display Monopoly board, not for play: “You don’t even play with this shit. Just leave it out. Pretend you do.”
• Candle Culture: Pete laments they receive candles too nice to actually burn: [07:05] “The problem with candles you guys send is they’re unburnable. They’re too expensive to burn.”

Christmas with Young Kids: The Santa Dilemma

• Santa’s Wallet: Sebastian describes Lana ordering Santa’s wallet (complete with fake ID, North Pole cash) from Amazon, then “Santa” sending a postcard telling the kids to keep it.
  • [09:01] Pete: "How new is this? Bro, a couple years ago, I left Santa’s pipe with a note...You think Amazon lifted this from me?”
  • [10:33] Sebastian: “Santa’s got to keep his belongings together too, you know? He’s got a wallet...and it was left behind by the fireplace.”
• Kids’ Suspicions: The elaborate prop almost backfires as Seraphina, Sebastian’s daughter, grows skeptical.
  • [10:55] "I think that’s what Seraphina thought. She’s like, all right, this is getting fucking ridiculous."

Parental Fears: Kids Growing Up vs. Not Growing Up Fast Enough

• Disbelief in Santa: Pete vents at parents whose older kids still believe and theorizes kids pretend to believe for more gifts: [14:07] “I feel like they’re making excuses because they’re embarrassed that their kid still believes in Santa at this age.”
• Learning the Truth: Both agree it’s better for kids to “take their lumps” and learn from peers rather than have parents break the spell—just like adults get social reality checks.
  • [17:11] Pete: “That’s the hit your boy’s gotta take when he says, ‘I got Santa’s wallet,’ and one kid is going, ‘Santa’s wallet. Amazon, 1999.’”

Country Club Culture & High Society Awkwardness

• Fringe vs. Core: Sebastian recounts feeling like an outsider at a country club-tinged Mexico resort and the Critics Choice Awards.
  • [23:20] “Where I was, there was kind of a country club atmosphere. I'm not into people wearing clothing that's associated with the country club they belong to.”
  • [25:54] “My entire life, I have been on the perimeter of what’s happening inside… I was never with the popular group… Hollywood, I ain't piped in to the movers and shakers of the Hollywood machine.”
• Critics Choice Award: Sebastian presents an award with SNL’s Marcelo Hernandez. He notes backstage, they rework their bit for genuine laughs—unlike actors who robotically read teleprompters.
  • [30:55] “We’re working the script out prior...We're working this like it’s an SNL skit.”
• Leaving Early on Purpose: Pete asks why Sebastian didn’t stick around: [31:18] “Why didn't you hang out?”
  Sebastian: “For what?...I don't want to be in there. It's not like I'm dying to be in there, but I'm trying to figure out, is it the energy that I'm putting out there that's making me on the perimeter, or is this just who I am? I'm a perimeter guy.”
  • [32:58] The Fashion Joke: “A lot of fashion tonight. A lot of fashion, a lot of filler. Matter of fact, we just got word backstage. Los Angeles is completely out of filler. And I'm like, don't change your face. I like your face. You got a good face. Why would you do that?”

Wine Spill Disaster — How Should a Restaurant Compensate?

• Accident at Dinner: At a fancy restaurant, a 60-year-old busser accidentally dumps red wine on Sebastian’s tuxedo.
  • [35:17] Pete: “How do you deal with something getting spilled on you by somebody...who’s older than you? I mean...kick a dog when he’s down? Holy shit, I’m fucking busting tables at 60.”
• Damage Control: Manager offers to cover dry cleaning; Sebastian wonders if that’s enough for a tux. He asks Pete if the meal should be comped.
  • [42:26] Pete: "Yes. I mean, if you want a tip, which is. I know the guy. Accident. But other than what you want to tip, everything's comped."
• How Much Is Enough? Sebastian only asks for what was "lost": two glasses of wine and a salad. They also unexpectedly get a pasta dish with truffles as a peace offering.
  • [46:26] Pete: “Those are like cash. Jeez…That's like bringing a gold bar to the table and just shaving it on your pasta.”
• Reflection: They banter about class, customer expectations, and joke that “dessert is for a water spill; wine means you up the ante.”
  • [47:35] Pete: “We’re not talking a pair of Levi jeans here, man. We’re talking tuxedo.”

Comfort vs. Image: Ugg Boots, Slippers, and Fashion Fails

• Progressive Party Woes: Pete describes showing up for a progressive dinner party in caramel-colored Ugg boots, worried about being the only guy in socks if shoes come off.
  • [52:48] Sebastian: “Would Sinatra be wearing ugg boots?...I don’t know if that’s a manly boot, bro. It sounds like something that some woman is wearing in...”
  • [53:32] Pete admits: “They're caramel...they're not black. No, they're not black. Oh, no, they're tan.”
• Buying Regrets: Both reveal embarrassing online impulse buys—Sebastian’s “handmade” (read: painful) slipper clogs, Pete’s anti-pickpocket chest pouch.
  • [56:02] Sebastian: “I’m walking around the house in pain to prove a point.”
• Slippers as Fashion: Pete rails against kids wearing slippers to the mall, drawing a generational line and denouncing it as “white trash.”
  • [59:34] “You're not wearing your slippers. Come on...It’s white trash.”
  • [60:09] Both agree slippers should stay in the house.

Parenting Styles & the Apple Incident

• Food Rules: Sebastian tries to set boundaries against endless snacking and is quickly undermined by Lana, who gives Seraphina an apple after Sebastian said no.
  • [66:02] Sebastian: “At the end of the day...you eat this and that's it. There's no, like...could I have an apple? We're not going to bed on a full stomach.”
  • [66:22] “She said to Lana, 'I don't want to go against Daddy's rules, but I want an apple...' Lana says, 'I'll take care of Daddy. Have the apple.'”
• Reflection on Parenting: Sebastian laments the inevitability of children pitting parents against each other: [67:15] “The daughter's setting them on him as she goes down and asks the mother...'I'll take care of Daddy. Have the apple.'”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Sebastian on Social Outsiderness:
  [25:54] “My entire life I have been on the perimeter of what’s happening inside...I was on the fringe of society.”
• On Modern vs. Old-School Christmas:
  [17:25] "With the technology today...I'm surprised kids are getting past four years old believing in this guy."
• On Handling Mishaps:
  [35:41] “How do you deal with something getting spilled on you by somebody bussing the table who’s older than you?”
• On Fashion Conformity:
  [24:19] Pete: “This is the kind of talk that’s kept you out of the country clubs all this time.”
• On Impulse Purchases:
  [56:02] “I'm walking around the house in pain to prove a point.”
• On Parenting Negotiations:
  [66:22] “She says, I'll take care of Daddy. Have the apple.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:51] Show proper begins; post-holiday catch-up
• [03:09] The gift of the blowtorch candle lighter
• [06:00] The glass Monopoly Board story
• [07:46] Christmas with kids; trip to Mexico
• [08:35] Santa’s Wallet saga; doubts arising
• [13:43] Kids and the magic (or loss) of Christmas
• [14:07] Pete’s complaint about parents who let older kids believe in Santa
• [17:25] The technology era and kids’ magical thinking
• [23:13] Reflections on not fitting in with wealthy elites/country club types
• [25:54] Hollywood’s inner circle and the "fringe"
• [32:58] Notable Critics Choice Award fashion/filler joke
• [34:45] The wine spill incident; debate on what’s “enough” as compensation
• [46:26] Truffle pasta peace-offering
• [52:06] Pete’s Ugg boots dilemma at neighbor’s party
• [54:38] Sebastian’s failed luxury slippers
• [59:34] The “slippers at the mall” argument with Pete’s daughter
• [63:15] Sebastian’s snack-time boundaries, the apple controversy
• [67:27] Reflections on parenting consistency and kid “negotiations”
• [67:33] Wrap-up, teasing next week’s “fashion fail show-and-tell”

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Tone and Style

The duo maintain their classic mix of exasperated working-class bemusement, sharp observation of social norms (and their subtle pressures), and loving but honest parenting/relationship talk. The mood is casual, fast-paced, and built on good-natured “roasting” of each other and their own missteps.

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Summary

Episode 690 showcases Pete and Sebastian’s ability to mine everyday situations—from holiday gift confusion, to staged Santa magic, to elite award show posturing, to the humiliation of a wine-soaked tuxedo—for classic, relatable laughs. Always a bit on the “fringe” but happy there, they reaffirm for listeners that the real comedy is outside the velvet rope.

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Next Episode Tease

The hosts promise to return with a “show-and-tell” of their worst recent online fashion/accessory purchases: Pete’s bizarre chest strap bag, and Sebastian’s custom slippers.

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For full stories & punchlines, catch the episode wherever you listen to podcasts!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

This is the Pete and Sebastian show with Pete Corrielli and Sebastian Maniscalco.

[A]

All right, Pete and Sebastian Show. Welcome to our universe, our world, our sanctuary. We're coming off a big hiatus here. We haven't done this in a while, took the holidays off. A lot has happened between now and the last cast. I don't know. I just got to start by.

[D]

Got.

[A]

This as a Christmas gift, and I'll show you what it is in a second. But a lot of times you get like, a random gift. What am I gonna do to. I gotta tell you, and I don't know if you've ever seen it anything like this before. I mean, come on.

[D]

Is that the thing? That's a flashlight. It's like a lot of things. Or is it just that?

[A]

It's a torch, bro.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Now, wow. I don't light my candles in the house with a match or a lighter. What I have been doing is I have a blowtorch, like, similar to what you would Use to get a nice crisp on a creme brulee. You know those little propane torches?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I go around and I light the candles with this blowtorch. I gotta tell you, bro, the time. The time it saves and the efficiency is unbelievable. But now with this thing, this is my new. My new toy. By the way, speaking of Christmas. Speaking of Christmas gifts, I got Pete's gifts. I don't know if we'd shared this yet on the cast. I got this little gem in the mail for those of you who don't know what boost is. It's just a little dose of joy in a little tablet. I don't know. You wouldn't call them a gummy, though. This is like. No, I swallow these, by the way. Is that the correct way, or do you chew these?

[D]

No, I like to let it dissolve, too. I don't. I don't. I mean, quickly, though. I let it dissolve a little bit, and then I give it a swallow, like. Like an aspirin or something. You do it any way you want. It's not much to them.

[A]

Okay. So, yeah, it's a. It's a little. It's a little.

[D]

Pot.

[A]

Pot and a pill.

[D]

THC and a pill. It's. It's. The game is the milligram. Milligram is the game. So the form is irrelevant. I mean, they have. You know, the thing with, like, they have five milligram gummies, but, you know, Papa, you have a whole. Maybe you don't want a whole gummy in your mouth. Maybe you just want to. You know what I'm saying? That's just like. Let's get to what matters. Just a little. Little nothing.

[A]

Yeah, but that wasn't a gift. Well, whatever it was, it came in the mail. And I've tried it twice. And, you know, I kind of weaned off. I mean, I tried it maybe over the holidays once and then waited another three days, tried it again. It's not something that I'm going to do on a regular, but it's nice to know that there's a product in the house that, if need be, maybe today got a little stressful, come home that this is available to me. So thanks for that. And number two.

[D]

You got it. You got it.

[A]

I got a Monopoly board from you, but it's not just any Monopoly board. It's like a glass Monopoly board that has a stand, the pieces, the whole thing. Now, I was unaware that you and my sister were in communication in regards to the Monopoly board, all right? Because there was A podcast that we did where I had stated, I can't stand playing board games, specifically Monopoly. And while I was saying this, this gift was in transit.

[D]

It was in transit. And I normally. Something like that. I would text Lana and go, oh, my God, so funny. But the gift's for her, too. So I'm like, well, Jess is familiar with the cast. She'll get a kick out of this, man. And then. Yeah, and then. But I was trying to stress the assistant too, because she's like. She jokingly said, I guess my kids are getting a Monopoly board. And I'm like, dude, this is a fucking piece of. This is a work of art from the Corning Glass Museum. All right. You know, you don't even play with this shit. You just leave it out. Pretend you do. It's beautiful.

[A]

That's what I. It's a show. It's a showpiece. So thank you for that.

[D]

Can I say, too, then, thank you for all candles. I mean, we got. This is a problem on the Maniscalco. And you guys and your in laws did this a couple times too, but you did it with a whole box. We got. And it was. I don't know if this was Lana's idea or what, but I'm stealing it. A box of candles. And whoever wrote the note, I can't remember the exact wording, but it was a play off of, like, lighting up being a part of our lives. Something like, I hope these candles light up. Like, it was a follow through on the light metaphor. But the problem with the candles you guys send is, like, they're unburnable. They're too expensive to burn. We just keep them out. We keep them out for decoration. Then I burn a Walmart $10 fucking pineapple sentence. Yeah. So thank you for those, man.

[A]

Those are.

[D]

I think everybody had a good one. It was nice, long Christmas, though, Brad.

[A]

Was a long.

[D]

It was a long time to be home and doing shit. Nothing, you know?

[A]

Yeah, it gets a little. Listen, the kids got two weeks off. I don't know what Sadie had. What, she have two? Three.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Kids are home. There's a lot of, like, moving parts going on. However, we went to Mexico for one week of the vacation, which I'll get into, but that kind of broke it up for us. But, yeah, it was a. I think I have to say my holiday season was. It was nice. The kids got into it. Caruso specifically, loving Christmas. Seraphina, I think we're gonna have a problem next year. I don't know if I told you this But Santa dropped his wallet here at the house. Did I tell you this? No.

[D]

No.

[A]

Yeah. So Lana found Santa's wallet on Amazon. Now, it's got his ID in there, library card, picture of Mrs. Claus, some. Some North Pole cash. And on the wall it says Santa Claus. Embroidered Santa Claus. Right.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How.

[D]

How new is this? Because, bro, a couple years ago, I did the cast episode where I left Santa's pipe with a note. So at night, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna lay the pipe on the snow right by her bedroom window. So she's gonna be like, fucking Santa's pipe. Right? Remember that?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you think Amazon lifted this from me? Everybody steals my shit, bro. It's been going on in every aspect of my life creatively. What? Hold on. It's the go ahead. Go ahead.

[A]

No, you can't skip over creatively, bro. Did someone iced your joke?

[D]

Ice my joke, bro. Seinfeld comedians and. Cause it's. I mean, the list goes on and on. Tony killed. Tony does his thing. I used to do comedy covers. I mean, nobody stole from me. Nobody saw what I did and stole it. I'm just saying, I stopped doing my idea, and then somebody else does something similar. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't as anybody can steal it. But I will say this is fascinating. I haven't heard of Santa leaving something behind until I said it, and now this is out there. What's your take, though, on Santa having a wallet? I find it to be tacky. What's he get? Gonna get pulled over for speeding in the sled?

[A]

I hear you, bro, but Santa's got a keep his belongings together too, you know? I mean, he's not like he's looking. He's got a wallet, apparently, and Lana found it on Amazon, and it was left behind by the fireplace.

[D]

Now, if I was 10, this would make me not believe in Santa. I'd be like, all right, what the fuck? Now he's got a wallet then.

[A]

Well, I think that's what Serafina thought. She's like, all right, this is getting fucking ridiculous.

[D]

Sorry. I can see your kid thinking that. She's like, I was barely on board before. Now Santa's carrying a wad of cash in his wallet. What does he got? What did Lana put in this wallet? I bet it's so cool.

[A]

It comes with all of it. It comes with the library card. It comes with a credit card, comes with his driver's license picture, Mrs. Claus, money. What else is in there?

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I think there's an ATM card. I mean, so there's things in there that you would normally find in a wallet. So now they were like, how do we get the wallet back to Santa? You know, because they. Caruso is specifically concerned that Santa's walking around now with no wallet, no id, you know, how is he going to buy things?

[D]

Hilarious.

[A]

And this is. I didn't know this was coming. A postcard came in the mail.

[D]

And.

[A]

It was from Santa. And Santa said, I understand that I left my wallet at your house. Keep it. Keep the wallet and just be good boys and girls. Next year for next. So Lana found another thing on Amazon. Or if he sends a postcard saying to keep the wallet.

[D]

Which is great because now, you know, worry about your kids going, dad, we have to ship it. We gotta pack it. We gotta.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Nah, Santa said, keep it to us. Oh, that's phenomenal, man.

[A]

So my kids are in the living room divvying up Santa's belongings. You know, like, my kid, my son got the. The credit card, my daughter got the. The money. You know, they're divvying up Santa's belongings. So now I'm like, phenomenal. But yeah, I think Seraphina's on the fence with all this stuff, the wallet and the. The whole thing. I mean, it's. It's like, it's. It's. We're getting a little lazy too, with the wrapping of the gifts. Like, I saw Seraphina's face because, you know, give Caruso a gift. And on the bottom of the gift, my wife's got post it notes, you know, racing car, you know, so she knows what's in the box, but it's on the bottom. And Seraphina's. Look at it going, what Santa's doing post it notes. He's in the same post it notes Daddy's got on his gifts from mommy.

[D]

Right? Right. So, yeah, not to mention then they open up gifts and they're like, I literally saw this on shelf at Target two days ago. So, you know, you would think Santa's making unique one of a kind gifts, but not gifts that you can also. But they don't. They don't get any of it. It's great, man.

[A]

Yeah, it's the. The magic of Christmas is still alive, at least in Caruso's mind. But anyway, we. We did that.

[D]

I don't mean to interrupt you, but while we're on it, I'm having a problem. And all you parents out there, you know who you are. I'm having a problem with the Opposite. Okay. And I'm having a problem with. I'm coming across parents, three of them, this past year. Kids my daughter's age, maybe a year younger. I'll give you maybe 11. Ish. I still believe in still believing. Boy, Anna and a girl, you know, they go, I think he or she knows, but I feel like they're afraid to say it because if they say it, that then they won't get the gifts anymore. Right? We gotta take this out. I need too many parents like this. It's too offensive. There's like four of them. It's not offensive, okay?

[A]

And I'm like, I know, I know. Parents like this, too.

[D]

And I feel like they're making excuses because they're embarrassed that their kid still believes in Santa at this age. It's a bit much.

[A]

Yeah, I think they're making excuses, too. I think the kid is.

[D]

Dumb. Yeah, that's softer. That's softer. But do you think there's instances where. Oh, man, it must be a good SNL sketch or something. Wink, wink. I mean, what, are you getting a call if you haven't already? I mean, Jesus, they can't get enough of you, guy. But what about a parent having to sit down a child in the opposite direction and say, it's over? There's no saying, let's let this shit go. It's getting embarrassing. Right?

[A]

Well, would you rather have, as a parent, your kid find out through other kids at school like, this is my fear.

[D]

Same thing with sex. You know what I mean? All of it. Go find out about it out there. What's your fear about it, by the way?

[A]

Well, I mean, Caruso goes to school, right, with his friends on the playground. He goes, santa left his wallet at my house. Right? Now my fear is some kid goes, what? What are you stupid? And he's like, what are you talking about? I got his wallet at my house. Like, would you. Would you rather have on the playground dealing with that, or would you rather, you know, I come home and go, hey, listen, son, we've been playing Santa Claus the whole time here.

[D]

No, I think you got to take your lumps out there. You really do. You gotta. You gotta let. You gotta be embarrassed. You gotta bring it up and be embarrassed by bro. Even as an adult. I distinctly remember this comic, Danny Boy. I was on one of them Canadian, like, I met you one of them just for laughs. And we're in a van. He's from Scotland, by the way. And I go, so, bro, by the way, that whole Loch Ness monster thing. And he Goes, oh, dear God. What? And I go, forget it. And he goes, you were gonna ask me if it might be real. And I go, yeah, yeah, I was good. Yeah, I was good. You know what I mean? He was saying, oh, dear God. Like, oh, my God, this guy's gonna ask me if the monster's real.

[A]

Right?

[D]

So. And I was wildly embarrassed on this van in front of other people. That's the hit your boy's gotta take when he says, I got Santa's wallet. And one kid is going, Santa's wallet. Amazon, 1999.

[A]

Oh, my God. Well, with. With the. With the technology today and all the information out there, I'm surprised kids are getting past four years old believing in this guy. You know what I'm saying? It's like. It's like back then in the 80s, nobody knew nothing. Nobody was on the Internet. Nobody could figure out, oh, this ain't right. Because I saw that this is a, you know, Google. Your parents are looking at the phone and, you know, they're ordering you. I mean, listen, it used to be so secretive. The gifts, you know, used to go to the stores and have to buy the gifts, and then you had to bring them home and wait till nobody was around and sneak them into a car closet, wrap the shit, you know? Yeah, yeah. Now it's just. It comes wrapped Amazon already. It's under the. It's like. It's like. I don't know. It's. It's a. No, it's a lot different than it is growing up. And I'm surprised these kids are still believing deep into their early teens, if.

[D]

Yeah, but I think it's like a different kind of belief. It's like with all the bad in this world, you know, deep down, they know it's not real, but they just want to have happiness.

[C]

The Pete and Sebastian Show.

[E]

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[D]

All right.

[E]

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[D]

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[A]

We're coming out of that. I tell you, man, it's. I don't know how to get into this, but came to the realization that I'm not so much into the upper echelon of society, specifically people with money. It's just, you know, it's like, when you score a touchdown, act like you've been there before. You know what I'm saying? We don't gotta be showing off and.

[D]

Right. Well, don't you think that sometimes. I know what you're getting. I don't want to interrupt you.

[A]

Well, put it this way. I mean, where I was, there was a kind of a country club atmosphere. I'm not into people wearing clothing that's associated with the country club that they belong to. You know?

[D]

Why? Why? It's like, isn't that, like a loyal thing? Like, this is our place.

[A]

This is. It's just like everybody's dressed with the same thing. I mean, it's like, what are we, in the NFL? It's like, you know, say, like, yeah, why are we all dressed with the logo of the. Of the place on our head and the thing.

[D]

What are we doing that when we golf with Frank in jersey and he got us some sweatshirts? It's the same thing, man. He got him out of clubhouse. They all got the logo. I thought you'd be into. I thought you'd be into that because I. That's a golf thing. That's what you do. You wear usually the logo of the place if you're a member.

[A]

I'm into individuality. I'm into when I come golf. And I want to look like me, not everybody else on the course.

[D]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

All right. So I ain't wearing the fucking logo on my chest plate and the hat, on the gloves, the bag. How many shit. How much shit that you had to put the logo on.

[D]

This is the kind of talk that's kept you out of the out of the country clubs all this time. This is why you get a polite thank you for inquiring pass. Thank you for inquiring pass.

[A]

Yeah. And we had a conversation. Lana and I also, my sister and I had this conversation. Is my entire life I have been on the perimeter of what's happening inside. So, for example, high school, I was never with the popular group, the football, the cheerleaders, this, that, and the other. I was on the soccer team. People knew of me, but I wasn't at the hottest high school parties or the hottest high school football games. All right? I was on the fringe of society, right? Same thing here. Hollywood. I ain't piped in to the. The. The movers and shakers of the Hollywood machine. And I found that out again at the Critics Choice Awards, which we'll get into, right? I went to the Critics Choice Award because I presented with this guy, Marcelo Hernandez, who's on snl, who does this impersonation of me. So we.

[D]

Fantastic little moment up there. Fantastic. Smooth, classy, funny. It was great. It was how those should be.

[A]

Thank you. And I'll give you a little backstage tidbit of what was going on backstage. Okay? So I go to this award thing, right? And it's actors and actresses walking around. I'm sorry, bro. There's such a seriousness over there with these actors walking around. You know, there's a lot of, like. Like, fake. Like, fake. I don't know how you even say it. Like, fake unawareness, you know, like.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh. Like, it's like a lot of, like, head whips. Oh. You know, like, there's a lot of that. I've never been, like, that shocked in my life to, like, see somebody, you know, I don't know. It's.

[D]

Oh, my God. You know that move. I'm saying, I've seen it. You almost see them prepping for a dramatic turn.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay, now you pretend to see me in three, two, one.

[A]

Wow. Oh, man. It's like. Come on. So I'm on the black carpet. You know, it's not red anymore. Now it's black. So we're walking down, and I'm, you know, doing a couple interviews and whatnot. And then, you know, we get to our seats. I wanted to see where the seats were. So I get to the seats, and everybody's, like, talking to one another. There's, like, a lot of, like, camaraderie amongst these actors because they. Whatever. Worked on a project together. This and that. Again, I'm on the fringe. I'm on the outside I'm not in. Everybody talking this, that, and the other thing, me and Lana sitting there. And I tell a lot. I go, because Lana was in the popular group. I go, do you think my. My living on the fringe has taken you out of the popular group and on the fringe with me? Because it hasn't happened the opposite way. It's not like I'm. Go ahead. Let's.

[D]

Let's be honest. It's taken her maybe out of the popular group in her B group and put her on the fringe in the A group guy. All right. Let's not kid ourselves. You're a seat behind ldc. And by the way, I didn't see the photo of it, but Jackie said that Lana looked beautiful. Man, she looked really. She did. She looks stunning.

[A]

She looks stunning.

[D]

But aren't you, when you're at those things, supposed to bond with fellow comedians that are floating around the. Chris rocks, Kevin Hart. Are there. Were they there?

[A]

Didn't really see anybody there.

[D]

All right, all right.

[A]

The only one. I was seated with Marcelo. So we were talking.

[D]

So there you go.

[A]

We get the call to go backstage. Now all of this stuff is on a teleprompter. Yeah. Originally they wrote a script that Marcelo was gonna come out and jumping around like he kind of did on snl. And I was gonna be there kind of looking at him. And then we were gonna do the. We were going to do some silly back and forth physical movements and whatnot. But then he came up with the idea, let's go out there and do this face thing, this loser face thing. Okay, that sounds better. So we were writing it back and forth. What about this? What about that? So we hand it in, and I'm thinking, while I'm on the perimeter, I go, what else? There's something else here. Let's do something with. You know, when he. There was another line written for me when he said, there's a lot of people here. I go, yeah, there's a lot of people with tuxedos, and there's a lot of. Then there's a guy with a bubble outfit or whatever. It was like. I go, nah, let's. Let's do. There's a lot of fashion and a lot of filler. So I came up with that. And then he's like, yeah, okay, let's do that. So we're backstage. They give you a microphone backstage, like this, stationary. And then they give you the teleprompter. And on the other end of the teleprompter is the guy. So we go put it in edit mode because we might want to take some. So we're doing it. We're rehearsing it as if we are going to do it. And so I'm like. I'm doing the whole thing backstage, doing, like, that, you know, the whole movement. So he goes, you want to do it again? I said, yeah, let's do it again. So we're doing it again. He takes out a word. He goes, you know, I'd be Betty if I said this word. It would set you up for your next. Oh, yeah, let's do that. What we're doing is we're. We're working the script out prior now. These. These actors, they go up and they just. They're like. They read the telegraph. Then this, the next step, and they leave. There's no, like, there's no take your word out this. That. The other day, we're sitting there working this like it's an SNL skit.

[D]

Right?

[A]

Right. So. So we go out there, we do the thing, get off stage, and this is maybe why I'm not piped into Hollywood. Lana and I left after. Yeah, we went to dinner.

[D]

Why didn't you hang out?

[A]

For what?

[D]

Well, I mean, for the fun of it.

[A]

No.

[D]

Okay. All right. I mean, I respect that. But then it's like, I don't think you want to. You don't want to be in the core. You want to be wanted in the core, but you don't want to be in there. You know, you've had maybe, Right.

[A]

I don't want to be in there. It's not like I'm dying to be in there, but I'm trying to figure out, is it the energy that I'm putting out there that's making me on the perimeter, or is this just who I am? I'm a perimeter guy.

[D]

Well, I mean, you did a joke to the whole room that you guys all injected shit into your face. So, I mean, I don't know exactly who you think wants to grab a fucking martini with you after that. You forgot to add in that joke. Me included. Whether you do or don't, I don't know that you do, but, like, you're supposed to, like, or I know I'm soon or something like that. Or. Let me.

[A]

Why would I put myself.

[D]

I mean, Russell said you eat alone afterwards. You're the one complaining, and you're eating alone. Well, you're not even complaining. Let's be honest. You're not complaining, but.

[A]

Oh, God.

[D]

So, great joke, though, man. That was the Best joke of the thing is, you know, and filler. And then you do the head on. Matter of fact, I think they're out of filler. All right, I was great, dude. I was great. Thank you. But, you know, so let me.

[A]

Let me.

[D]

It's a Ricky Gervais type joke.

[A]

The fashion on the red carpet was on another level tonight. A lot of fashion tonight. A lot of fashion, a lot of filler. Matter of fact, we just got word backstage. Los Angeles is completely out of filler. And I'm like, don't change your face. I like your face. You got a good face. Why would you do that? So I go to dinner with Lana. Now we're all decked out. She's in the dress. I'm in the tuxedo. We go to this Italian joint, which we haven't been to in a while, but we're excited to go get a bottle of wine on the table. We're talking, we're laughing, goofing around. Busboy comes to the table. By the way, can we still call it a busboy? I don't know. Is that 20, 26? Politically correct. Bus boy.

[D]

The lie. It took me back a little. Took me back a little.

[A]

What are we calling bus boy? Could you see what the correct pronunciation now or correct terminology for a bus? Is it a bus man? Is it a servant? What's the sensitive term? Server? Most busboy is busser. It's a busser now, not a boy. We took the boy out of bus.

[D]

That's because, again, that was a boy's job, like mowing a lawn. And then a man came along. Man came along and said, I'm gonna landscape all these. Wiped out this. Wiped out the fucking lawn boy. Right off the map, you know?

[A]

So the busser comes by. Older gentleman. I'd say probably 60. Goes to clear the salad, knocks the bottle of wine on the salad and on my tuxedo. Okay, now, I think we covered this in a previous cast, but I want to bring this up again. There's a. There's a couple ways you could react to getting something spilled on you.

[D]

Right there also is. This is a new angle that I've never dealt with before. How do you deal with something getting spilled on you by somebody bussing the table who's older than you? I mean, you know, I mean, you fucking yell at this guy. He's like, hey, I kick a dog when he's down. Holy shit. I'm fucking busting tables and stuff. 60. Well, that.

[A]

Well, that. That's the whole. That's the whole thing. And I got to work on my. No, no, no, that's okay. Like, I have to work on my acting, okay? Because I thought the way I handled it was appropriate. However, I'm going to give it. I'm going to give you what I did. When I got the wine spilled, it spilled on my white shirt and on the tuxedo jacket and the pants. Now, this is wine, bro, on a tuxedo. And the tuxedo's not cheap, right?

[D]

Yeah. Okay. Jesus Christ. I can't believe you had to add that.

[A]

I'm giving you the full scope.

[D]

It's cheap to you.

[A]

It's not cheap to me.

[D]

I mean, overall, it's just. I'm just joking with you, but.

[A]

Hear me out. So, like, wine spills now. I'm assessing the damage, right? How much? Okay. And he's, like, fumbling around. He's like, let me get my manager. Let me get my manager. And he don't know what to do. He's. He's stunned, right? And I'm going like this. I. I'm stunned. I'm like.

[D]

That. That's. I got.

[A]

No, that's all right. Like, you know, it wasn't like, oh, don't worry about it. It was more like, sorry, sorry. And you got like a. Like a soda. Soda. So he brings the soda water back, and, you know, soda water. I don't know who determines soda water was going to get out. Fucking stains. It doesn't.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. I don't know what the science is behind soda water and stains on clothing, but. But someone determined that was gonna help didn't do shit.

[D]

Just something to calm the person down because they're so mad. You know, Let them think it's working. Just pat some soda. But yeah, okay.

[A]

Nothing. So I'm white.

[D]

This tuxedo's black, though.

[A]

Black.

[D]

Yeah, I saw it. Yeah, I saw it. Yeah, of course.

[A]

Okay. Okay. So he leaves. Manager comes to the table. I understand there was a spill here. I said, yeah, spill on the salad and the thing. Here's my card. You know, obviously, we'll take care of the dry cleaning, Right? And my thought was, what about the suit? You know, like, dry cleaning. Are we past dry cleaning? And by the way.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you get anything dry cleaned?

[D]

Yeah, sometimes I do. Yeah, for sure. Sweaters and stuff.

[A]

Do you know what happens at the dry cleaner? I just know it comes back in plastic, bro.

[D]

You gotta do a bit. You gotta do that bit. I don't know either. I've thought that, too. You know what's going on back there. Really? You know what I mean?

[A]

How does it get clean? Do you know the process?

[D]

Ah, sadly I do. I've seen it. They kind of hit it with like, air. They put it in something that kind of shoots hot air like through it. Sometimes they press it. Yeah, different things.

[A]

Hot air cleans a. A wine stain out of a white shirt. How does that happen?

[D]

Patrick's got to Google. I'm way out of my league here. But what I'm trying to say.

[A]

I don't know what happens at the dry cleaner. I just know shit's coming back and it's clean and it looks beautiful. It's pricey.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Dry cleaning process involves inspecting and tagging garments, pre treating stains, cleaning in a machine with a solvent, drying and then finishing with a pressing and steaming. Okay, now I went to go look at a house. Lana and I do this. We go look at houses periodically to see what's on the market at specific price points. And sometimes we're inspired by what we see and go, oh, we could do that at our house. You know, it's like a hobby we got, right? We went and we saw five houses yesterday. All right, I can't tell you the house that we went to. I'll tell you off air, can't tell you on air, but the gentleman who's selling the house in his home has a dry cleaner. Now, I didn't even know they sold this shit. There's a dry cleaning machine. Put this up. Five steps to dry cleaning. There's a, there's a machine that's actually, it's called a dry cleaner. You put it in and it cleans it. And step three is the, that's the machine that I saw yesterday at this guy's house. So I turn a line, I go, why don't we have this at the house? With the amount of money we're spending on dry cleaning, I'll get. I'll fucking bring a dry cleaner to the house.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll have that shit going around.

[A]

All that shit going around the kitchen, right?

[D]

So you imagine people staying in your place and they leave with warm clothes right out of the oven, folded. Oh my God. Dry clean.

[A]

Oh, God.

[D]

You can't beat that. You can't beat that.

[A]

I don't think you could beat that, bro. If you came to my house and you spilled something on your shirt and I go, I'll have it dry clean in about an hour. And you're like, what? An hour? What, they do it that quick? I go, no, I got One in the back.

[D]

Oh, my God. Jesus. You'll have a. You'll have it for dessert. That's unbelievable.

[A]

Hold on. She goes, take care of the dry cleaning. Now here's where it gets tricky. She asked me, and I know this move because I worked in the hospitality business. What would I. Like, like, what can I get you? She didn't say, because there's gotta be. Let me just ask you, is there an expectation when the restaurant spills something on you, what happens now? What do you expect as a customer to make it right?

[D]

Well, so far, what the guy's doing sounds good. Giving me the card, I'll pay for your dry cleaning. And it sounded like he was about to offer to pay for your dinner, which you should too. Okay.

[A]

You think the dinner should be comped if that happens?

[D]

Yes. I mean, if you want a tip, which is. I know the guy.

[A]

Accident.

[D]

It was an accident. But other than what you want to tip, everything's comped. I'm going to pay for your dry cleaning. Just send us the bill. Here's my card.

[A]

Okay. So she throws it on me. What could I get for you? Okay, if it me. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not the guy to go comp the meal. I'm not that guy. There's some guys who go, well, obviously I would like the. The whole entire meal. You know that guy.

[D]

So that's tacky to make. You have to say that. That's not cool, man.

[A]

Well, that's why they put it on the customer. Like, let's see what the customer is going to say. Because if the customer goes, I'll just have a tiramisu at the end. They're like, okay, then they'll give. Give these fucking people a dessert and get them out of here, right? So I go, well, you know, I don't know. The wine was spilled, so if we could get, you know, I don't know how much came out, whatever. Could you get a couple glasses of wine and a new salad? So I. That. That's what I. I'm just wanting what was lost replaced. Now there's a bottle of wine. Guy comes like, I'm gonna open up another bottle of the same wine and give you two glasses. In my head, I'm like, bro, just. Just leave the bottle on the table.

[D]

What are we doing? Are you kidding me? I thought you meant he was like, with two glasses to go with the bottle. You meant, I'll pull you two. One, two, and.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

That is. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.

[A]

This wine is not on the wine list by the glass. What are we gonna do with the extra wine? You know? Like, where are we selling this now you're taking it home. What, are you gonna have it at the end? What's going on with the wine? So. All right, fine. You know, too. Glasses brought out another salad. So I'm talking a lot. I go, what's your take on what? What. What should we get here? You think this is gonna be comped or whatnot? She's, like, able to still learn. Another salad. I said, okay.

[D]

So how bad was the spill? How bad was the spill? Like, are you. If there was more going on that night, would you be like, I can't go out. I'm wet and shit? Or, like, I mean, I would have.

[A]

To button the jacket to cover the wine. I could have got away with that. But just knowing I got wine on my. Just knowing it's there, I feel. I don't feel right.

[D]

There should be so many I'm sorrys being thrown at you that you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, guys. No, it was an accident. Like, you should have to do that. It's an accident. These things happen.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Because the sorrys are like. Even when you told me the manager comes over and he walks away, you don't walk away. You hover behind the manager going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know, get the. That's what you do. You apologize over. This is. I don't like this at all. Now they're putting it on you. Now I'm really annoyed with the wine because I feel like when they're walking away with that bottle of wine, they should just picture that bottle of wine being you walking away from the restaurant, because I'm. You walking away with that bottle is ensuring hopefully that I'm never coming back here again. Unless there's a better ending at this. Because so far, I'm very disappointed.

[A]

Well, I can't tell you. They brought out a pasta dish that we didn't order, and they made it snow with truffles.

[D]

Oh, wow. Those are like cash. Jeez.

[A]

That's like gold. It's like bringing a gold. It's like bringing a gold bar to the table and just shaving it out of your pasta.

[D]

The guy needed the rest of the bottle and chug it. Just to get over the shocker, giving away his truffles. He's like, oh, my God. I can't believe I'm giving those guys all the truffles? Yeah. No. Wow. All right. That's cool. That's a very happy ending I'm liking. I like to hear. Because it's at the end of the day, it's an accident.

[A]

No, I get it. Total accident. They made it right. Loved the restaurant. Definitely was a great experience. But I just thought it was an interesting topic. I asked a couple other people. It's like, what would you expect? And my sister said just like a dessert on the house. Dessert for a wine spill? A dessert is for water, I think. I think a water spill on the pants. Maybe you send out a piece of chocolate cake. We're talking wine. We're talking stains. You gotta up the ante.

[D]

Plus the outfit. We're not talking a pair of Levi jeans here, man. We're talking tuxedo. There's a lot of play that's very high stakes.

[A]

Yeah, high stakes. If I was just in jeans and a T shirt and wine. All right, I'll deal with it. Jeans or whatever. We're talking tuxedo. That doesn't come out once. You know, every once or two times a year, different thing.

[D]

So I'll tell you, we got to. And we'll talk about this on another episode about trying to turn over to the charming route. But I think the book end, because that's what I want to start doing is charm. Be more charming and less mean. But the bookend to this is, you know, you started the show saying you're on the outside looking in all the time and, like, you know, and it's just the irony of in that exact moment, man, when they're like, the guy spilling wine on your lap. Somebody. There's a party with, like, Seth Rogen in the middle playing acoustic guitar, singing funny lyrics and DiCaprio, and everybody's just singing around like. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like, maybe, though, you're right where you're supposed to be, man, with your wife in this restaurant getting shit spilled on your fucking tux, you know? Right. That's why your fans love you, man. That's why they love you.

[A]

That's why. That's why I am where I'm at. I'm on the perimeter, and it's maybe, you know, maybe the grass ain't greener. Believe me, I'd rather get wine spilled on me than doing a fucking Kumbaya in a circle somewhere at a party.

[D]

Right? Just you right next to Ben Affleck singing out loud, baby, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, that was my night over at the. At the Award show. I want to get to you now. And you had mentioned something to me over the phone that you went to a progressive dinner. Do you want to explain to the listeners what exactly this is?

[D]

Yeah, well, now it was. It's a progressive party, used to be a dinner, but it became too much. So, yeah, the neighbors invited us a while ago. We got. We had the RSVP by a certain time. I thought it was, like, when you think progressive, you think, like, highly liberal. I thought it was, like, some sort of Democrat. Didn't you think that I was saying to Jackie, oh, my God, did I get together and talk about Bernie Sanders and mom Donnie? And she's like, no, it's. You go. Basically, you go from one house. You'll start at one house for appetizers, and everyone. There's two blocks involved, and they're like, if you live on, let's say, oak tree, you bring desserts, and if you live on pine tree, you bring appetizers. So then you walk over to the house. What would you do here? And I know we've had a version of this conversation. Don't know these people getting together with all these neighbors. And, you know, I'm feeling a little definitely, like, glad Jackie's by my side. You know, those things. Like, we probably. You go to Craig's Choice, you love having your wife right there. You're like, I need somebody to be like, what the. Right. So there's a layer of snow on the ground. On. Even on the roads, we got so much snow that even the roads, you have a layer of snow. So I was saying to Jackie, I can't decide if I should wear, like, a nice boot, which I like a dress boot, which would be really slippery. And I go, plus, when I get there, what are the odds they're gonna let me wipe my feet and keep it on? And Jackie goes, I'm going for that. I think. I think there's a good chance they're gonna let us wipe our feet and keep our shoes on. And I'm like, I don't. I don't think that exists anymore. I don't think any house, they let you keep your shoes on anymore. I'm going, ugg boot. Knowing I have to take it off when I get there. And then Jackie goes, and I got these big ugg boots with a high, thick thing. And she goes, guy, if we get there and you're allowed to keep your shoe on, and you're gonna walk around. Ugg boots. I go, no. She goes, then you're gonna be the only one in socks at a party of men and shoes. I go, that's a risk I'll take because I don't think I'm gonna be able to keep my shoes on. And I don't wanna slip and slide on my ass walking with a fucking dessert to get there. So what would you do? What would you do? Would you assume you gotta go sock when you get there? What is going on? Did you think, did that happen in the 70s? I don't recall people taking their shoes off, so get, you know, automatically. Do you? Maybe it was happening. I just don't remember.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know if that was a big thing in the 70s. I'm still trying to get over the fact that you have ugg boots.

[D]

I know, bro. It's like glasses. I don't like to. I only wear them. Like, listen, I gotta. We got snow on the. Constantly.

[A]

I know, but, like, I go back to, would Sinatra be wearing ugg boots? I, I, I don't know if that's a. I don't know if that's a manly boot, bro. It sounds like something that some woman is wearing in.

[D]

Am I wearing Goldie Horn boots?

[A]

Are they black at least?

[D]

Holy Kurt Russell accidentally put them. Oh, what color are they?

[A]

Or are they. Are they caramel? Oh, no. Oh, no. They're not even black. I can just tell right now. You're stalling.

[D]

They're caramel. I'm trying to remember. They're like, they're black. They're like a. Oh, tan. They're not black. No, they're not black. Oh, no, they're tan.

[A]

Oh, God.

[D]

Bro. Bro. Oh, my God. If I got one. If I got one. You might not even do the cast with me anymore if I showed it to you. It's got a really thick stuff. I go, jackie, these keep my foot so warm. She goes, because it's got such a thick sole that your feet never touch the snow.

[A]

You know, they're made for women.

[D]

Oh, my God. Now. Oh, man. I'm walking around Wegmans with these things on. A couple people go, love the cast. Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're a walking billboard for these things.

[D]

God. Oh, my God. Oh, man.

[A]

Oh, God.

[D]

I'm telling you, listen, dude, Putin's got ugs. Putin's got uggs, bro.

[A]

Putin. Putin in the snow is barefoot, believe me.

[D]

Oh. Patrick, see if you can get me a photo of Putin in Uggs, bro. I'll give you a. Mail you a hundred bucks tomorrow, cash. If you can find a Photo. Oh, man. Bro, it's a popular boot.

[A]

Oh, God. Okay. I know it's a popular boot. Listen, I'm. I'm going full disclosure. I have Ugg slippers now.

[D]

I do, too.

[A]

I don't.

[D]

I don't like them.

[A]

I don't. I. I don't like them either, but they're the only slipper that kind of works for me. I. I try.

[D]

I'm gonna.

[A]

God, I wish I could. I wish I had this slipper. I bought a. Oh, God. I bought a slipper for myself for Christmas. Handmade slipper. I saw it and I'm not this guy. I'm not this guy. On Instagram, I found a slipper that looks like a nice slipper. It's handmade, right? Leather, fur inside, but the bottom is wood. It's kind of like a. You know, it's like a wooden thing, bro.

[D]

Sounds like a clog.

[A]

Yeah, it's one of these things I bought and I thought was going to be so cool. You ever buy something and then you show your wife and she goes, what the fuck is that? But you have to, like, make it sound. You almost have to, like, force yourself to like it because you feel like your decision at the time, like, it was off. It was off.

[D]

Totally.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. So I'm trying to make these work, of course.

[A]

Why?

[D]

They look terrible.

[A]

They don't look terrible. They're so uncomfortable, bro. This song.

[D]

So I'm walking around.

[A]

I'm walking around the house in pain to prove a point.

[D]

Mine was a few months back. I saw online this black bag that goes over your shoulder, and it's so thin to your body that you put your shirt over it and you put your essentials in there so nobody can pick your pocket. By the time it came and the place I got off, you ever ordered something, by the time it comes, you forgot about the shit. The is this. I just thought I got burned. And then I'm like, oh, right, Jack. Jackie goes, what the is that? I go, see, don't get pickpocketed. She goes, why you getting pickpocketed a lot, Pete? And I'm like, not with that. I won't. And the first time I'm flying, I. I got it on and I'm putting my. My hand pockets are. Are empty, but I'm putting in. I would normally just put in my. My wallet. I would normally have my back. It's ridiculous. I'm trying to make it seem like I need it. I get to the airport, took everything out. I threw the thing in a Bag. I got it down here. Oh, next show, show me your slippers. I'll show you my bag. Yeah, every once in a while, you, like, you lose your judgment. You pull out your credit card, you're like, sold wooden bottoms. I gotta get these fiddling clogs. Holy.

[A]

Oh, God.

[D]

Oh, God. I thought you were telling me that they take your foot measurements and it's a custom made slipper. Why aren't you doing it, bro? You should. All your should be custom made. Now, seriously, you know, you think Brad Pitt's like, buying like, you know, like off the shelf slippers?

[A]

I don't know, man.

[D]

I.

[A]

If Brad Pitt were going to buy a slipper, I think he would buy the ones I bought. But I don't know, the whole ugg thing. I just feel like I have them and I look at myself and I go, I. I have a different opinion of myself.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

When I see in the mirror, me and Uggs. Do you have slippers?

[D]

Oh, it's terrible, bro.

[A]

Hold on, hold on. Just, just, just the way you re. I asked Patrick if he had slippers. He looked at me like he just tasted. He had to think about it. Do you not have them?

[D]

I have, I have slippers. There's a neighborhood pool and I'll wear them down in the neighborhood pool in the summer. But I don't, like, wear slippers around the house.

[A]

Yeah, he only wear slippers, bro.

[D]

He's outside. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, he goes to the pool and his slippers, but he ain't. He ain't wearing slippers around.

[D]

I got it, I got it. I got in with Sadie big time the other day. She was going, we only live now about three miles from the mall, a really nice mall. And she was going to meet a friend. Parents are dropping them off. She wanted to wish get these new Gucci slippers. And I go, you're not wearing your slippers. Come on. And then Jackie was down here working out, and Jackie heard and comes up and goes, I already told her, she's not wearing your slippers. Now you're taking her. And she thinks she's gonna bring her, like. So we got a big fight, and I'm taking her and making her wear sneakers. And I said, I said to you, you know what? I go, you know what wearing slippers.

[A]

In the mall is?

[D]

I go, it's white trash. It's white trash. And she goes, everybody does it. And I go, it's white.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I go to when you're going to come home, you're going to Walk around the house with all the. From the mall on the bottom of your slippers. Disgusting.

[A]

I. I agree.

[D]

They belong in the house.

[A]

They do. They belong in the house. A lot of people are using a slipper now as like a. A fashion statement, which I'm totally against. And I'm not into this whole, like. Guy, I gotta tell you, an UG.

[D]

Is a slip boot is practically a slippery.

[A]

I don't know what's going on at the Coriali house.

[D]

What's up?

[A]

What's up? How old is Sadie? 13? 12.

[D]

12? Yeah.

[A]

Gucci slippers at 12.

[D]

Oh, Guy.

[A]

Guy. What guy?

[D]

What are you talking. They knock off. Like, they're not like Kardashian Gucci slippers. They're like, you know, 39 slippers, 49 slippers.

[A]

Well, so it's. It's with Gucci, with one of the C's missing?

[D]

I don't know. I don't think they're that expensive. Get a Google on the Gucci slippers. Come on, now you're getting crazy.

[A]

Gucci slippers, $40. Were you shot?

[D]

Maybe, Maybe Slippers. I think it's Gucci slipper. Like, I just got that, man.

[A]

Oh, man. Oh, bro.

[D]

What's the other one? What's the other one?

[A]

Gucci slippers up here. $1,000, 890.

[D]

No, no, no, no, no. I forget what these are. These are like. Are they. Yeah, I don't know. They're not.

[A]

Maybe they.

[D]

Guess slippers or something. No, they're like 50, 60 slips.

[A]

Okay. All right, I clear that out. All right, so.

[D]

Thank you. Thank you, man. Holy shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know.

[A]

You know, here's something I Would you say you and Jackie, when it comes to these types of things, are on the same page? Because, you know, Jackie hears and goes, I told her she can't. Now you're telling her she can't. Is there more of that in the relationship or is there more of you're not wearing your Gucci slippers? And then Jackie comes. I told her she could wear them. Shut the. What? What's it? More of you aligned or you. You disagreeing?

[D]

More aligned. I'd say more aligned, you know, but then, like, she's wearing them first day of school, she's taking her boots. Wearing a boots onto the bus, but she's got a slippers in a bag angle. What are you doing with the slippers now? And she's like, mom said I could wear them at school. And it's like, unbelievable. All her friends, they all, like, coordinated to wear them, so I'm like, all right. So I would. If I was a single dad, I'd.

[A]

Be like, you're not wearing them to school either.

[D]

You know, but luckily, there's a yin and a yang for a reason.

[A]

Well, but anyway, what's the difference between the mall and the school?

[D]

I guess I don't know. My mom knows better. But a compromise, I guess. You can't, like, you know, the whole.

[A]

Idea is, like, you don't wear slippers outside the house.

[D]

Oh, well, then I did say, yeah, you're not. You can't. Then when you come home, you got to spray them and clean them, or you don't wear them in the house at all when you get home. I know, Dad. I know. What's the difference? So I come home with my sneakers, and sometimes I don't take them off. I'm like, well, then you should. Guy. I don't. I don't need the lip, man. I don't need the lip. I've already done a few back of the heads driving, Man. Wait a left. Phone kicks in. Dude, I don't even. I can't wait to hear the conversations. What, you and you. You. When your daughter wants a phone and what you guys plan on doing and all that.

[A]

Well, I'll give you a little taste of what's going to happen. So over the holidays, there was a lot of junk food eating. I'm not really into junk food. Processed shit, sweets and whatnot. But a lot of candy, a lot of this, a lot of that. So Seraphina, I don't know what's going on with Seraphina, but she had, like, a tapeworm. She's constantly hungry. So the new year. I said, listen. I said, listen, you eat at breakfast, lunch. There's a lot of, like, can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Snack. A lot of that. Yeah. So I said, you eat at breakfast, lunch and dinner. You get a snack in between meals. And at the end of the day. I told her this. At the end of the day. We were. We were after gymnastic. She had a little salmon and rice. I said, this is it for the night, all right? You eat this and that's it. There's no, like, before you go to bed. Could I have a apple or. We ain't going to bed on a full stomach.

[D]

An apple isn't anytime thing. Like, anytime.

[A]

That's what I thought. But then it's like, all right, what are we gonna do? Have a full apple and the apples we gotta, like. I don't know where the they're grown. They're huge, right? So I said, no apple. You eat the meal, and if you want an apple after the meal, you have an apple after the meal, you don't have an apple after the shower, after you brush your teeth. You know what I'm saying? It's like you wean off the food, you know, we ain't going to bed with apple remnants on our head.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So I had to do comedy.

[D]

Fucking apple falls out of you. Apple's not rolling out of your hand to the floor as you sleep. So that's how you know your kids asleep. When you hear that the son of the apple hit the floor. Oh, Jeff. Kids love to snack, though. It's crazy. They snack out of boredom, too, man.

[A]

Boredom. Boredom, absolutely. So I left for comedy last night, and before I left, Seraphine looks at me.

[D]

Apple.

[A]

I go, no, I told you, no apple. Go to bed or have some water.

[D]

Sounds like dialogue out of a cabin in 1800s.

[A]

What?

[D]

Sounds like the dialogue coming out of a cabin in the 1800s. Can I have an apple? No apple.

[A]

Go to bed.

[D]

Fucking apple. Kids begging for an apple.

[A]

In Hollywood, it's more of a. I know. You give them the apple, then the chips at 2 o'.

[D]

Clock.

[A]

Forget it.

[D]

I let him know, an apple. An apple's always a green light. Apple, yes. Cookie, no apple.

[A]

Yes, yes, I know. I was on that. I go, you can have apples all you want. But now. Now I'm like. Like, let's put it in a specific time period. Anyway, I go do comedy. I come back, Lana goes, she asked me for an apple and I gave it to her.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But she said, delana, I don't want to go against Daddy's rules, but I want an apple. I'm really hungry. She goes, have an apple. She goes, but what about Daddy? He's going to get mad at me that I had an apple. She says, I'll take care of Daddy. Have the apple. All right? All I'm trying to do is establish some parameters with the food and the intake, all right? Because these kids will press you. Right, right, right. They'll keep pressing. First it's an apple, then, hey, can I go on spring break?

[D]

You know, it's so wild. It's kind of like if a narrator was doing this from a distance, you'll notice the father setting the parameters so he thinks, meanwhile, the daughter's setting them on him as she goes down and asks the mother pride if it like. Like it's like she's doing in her head she's like, all right, say no. Get in the car.

[A]

Goodbye. Yeah, let me go ask mommy. She'll, she'll do anything.

[D]

So. It's an apple, guy.

[A]

It's an apple. It's an apple. All right, listen, this is our show.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

I want, I want to tease the audience. The next show and I want you to do this is go and get the, go and get the, the thing you bought your chest strap. I'll get the slippers and we'll showcase that. All right, the next episode. We'll see you next week. And try.

[E]

The show has ended.

[A]

I think they're making excuses, too. I think the kid is dumb.

[D]

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