Bad Purchases and Zero Refunds — with Michelle Collins

Summary

Podcast Summary: Intrusive Thoughts with Adam Rippon

Episode: Bad Purchases and Zero Refunds — with Michelle Collins
Date: October 16, 2025
Host: Adam Rippon
Guest: Michelle Collins

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Episode Overview

Adam Rippon welcomes comedian, podcaster, and friend Michelle Collins for a rollicking, freewheeling conversation that covers everything from bad purchases and the perils of resale sites to international gigs, beauty treatments, social media trends, and the unique chemistry of their friendship. Expect plenty of wit, candid hot takes, personal anecdotes, and a shared obsession with sample sales and the RealReal grievances. The tone is playful, sarcastic, and deeply relatable, with both Adam and Michelle riffing on their lives in comedy, shopping regrets, and the absurdities of the modern world.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Friendship, Catch-Up, and On-Stage Chemistry

• Adam and Michelle reminisce about their first meeting at Sirius, recounting their instant rapport and over-the-top photo shoots together.
• Michelle jokes about preserving evidence of their friendship for future litigation, and both reflect on the rare magic of reconnecting after time apart.
• Quote: "You make me, like, funnier. You make me better. I start crying." (Adam, 02:13)

Michelle Collins in LA: Performing, Mish Heads, and Losing Her Purse

• Michelle recounts her recent LA show at Dynasty Typewriter, describing the unique venue vibes and nostalgic smell of popcorn.
• She hilariously details her frazzled attempt to remain calm after leaving her purse (with everything except her passport) in an Uber right before her gig.
• Quote: "Imagine being by yourself with new people and this is, like, professional setting and trying to play off the fact that, like, your car keys, your wallet, your phone, like, everything is away from you." (Michelle, 04:25)

The Riyadh Comedy Festival Controversy

• Adam prompts Michelle for her “hot take” on major comedians (Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, etc.) performing at a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia.
• Michelle criticizes established stars for chasing lucrative gigs in problematic locations, while sympathizing with lesser-known comics who may feel compelled by financial desperation.
• The conversation delves into the moral complexities of working in places with troubling human rights records and the collective societal tendency to "move on" after controversies.
• Quote: "I can assure you something that you are wearing, something you're using, something in your life has gone to support horrible, evil things. That is late stage capitalism, people. So none of us are clean." (Michelle, 10:03)
• Timestamps: Saudi/Comedy Festival chat begins ~06:25; North Korea gig analogy ~10:49

International Showbiz Oddities: North Korea Ice Skating Gigs

• Adam compares the Saudi festival to bizarre, high-paying international gigs, sharing the tale of a French friend skating in North Korea with strict censorship, awkward turtleneck costumes, and nondescript makeup.
• Michelle riffs on the censorship, mock-dreams of a “North Korean Love and Comedy Fest,” and jokes about her own price for such a show (“Two mil, that’s the golden number” – Michelle, 15:07).

Anti-Vax Barbecue in Italy: When in Rome...

• Michelle details stumbling into an anti-vax barbecue joint in Italy during COVID, where she decided to stay for “the story,” despite her discomfort and left hungry after a kitchen fire.
• Quote: "I can be like a Michael Moore or a Louis Theroux and sit here for the story and document." (Michelle, 17:17)
• This story serves as a metaphor for witnessing the “other side” and the value of discomfort for a broader perspective.

Finnish Rednecks and International Stereotypes

• Adam describes flying from Finland to Greece, surprised by the number of “American flag” shirts and “white-neck” travelers, which Michelle riffs on in classic deadpan style.
• The spontaneous reveal: both Adam and Michelle adore Mina Parikka, a Helsinki-based shoe designer, and realize they have direct, personal anecdotes and even own the same signature bunny-eared shoes.

The RealReal Resale Rant – Bad Purchases, Worse Refunds

• A central, extended segment (from ~26:40 onward) features both hosts venting about luxury resale platform The RealReal—its inconsistent grading, miniscule payouts, rejected consignments, and cartoonishly bad deals (Adam once made less than $5 on pristine Jimmy Choos).
• Michelle recalls The RealReal once selling her a counterfeit Narciso Rodriguez bag, and the logistical pain of orchestrating a reluctant return via her elderly parents.
• Both advise: as sellers, you end up with tiny returns, but as buyers, there are occasional pleasant surprises.
• Quote: "I have sold things there...and then they're like, 'Okay, $22.' ...that’s not even enough to buy me a regular turkey provolone at Jersey Mike’s.” (Michelle, 30:09)
• Quote: "Honestly, what do you mean you don’t carry this? I'm like, I bought it from you." (Adam, 29:13)

Sample Sale and Fashion Find Adventures

• Michelle shares her UK sample sale obsession, including clandestine tips about Arletti’s London Fendi sale and tales of snagging leggings, sports bras, and a comically small Fendi bag.
• Discussion of luxury shopping culture, what’s worth reselling (if anything), and the perpetual disappointment of bargain-hunting.
• Quote: "The hunt. It's—for me, it's the Olympics. That's my North Korean ice skating show." (Michelle, 37:26)

Love Is Blind & Beauty Culture

• The latter portion shifts to reality TV—specifically, Love Is Blind Season 6. Michelle dubs a contestant “Pretty Gizmo” (in a Gremlins-meets-Reese Witherspoon way) and the duo discuss the peculiar jobs and personalities of contestants.
• They also debate millennial/Gen-Z beauty trends: Botox, filler, “baby Botox,” and how celebrities often go overboard with procedures—plus, the pitfalls of fillers and the importance of moderation.
• Quote: "Baby Botox is a lie and a scam." (Michelle, 51:13)
• Timestamps: Love Is Blind talk ~48:00+; Beauty culture chat ~50:30+

Airlines, Elite Status, and Petty Injustices

• Adam and Michelle segue into travel woes and loyalty to airlines (Delta for Adam, United for Michelle), bemoaning unappetizing meals, lost upgrades, and slim compensation for inconveniences.
• They provide nerd-level tips for airport terminals, specific seat hacks, and sample-sale invitations for brands like Hermès.

Social Media: Threads, BlueSky, and Twitter

• The episode winds down with gripes about the humor vacuum on Meta’s Threads versus the wildness of Twitter (“the only funny place”). Michelle notes that complaining is the main theme on Threads, while Twitter remains her go-to for laughs.

How to Maintain Adult Friendships

• Adam and Michelle get meta about their texting habits: crafting needlessly long, apologetic messages between long silences, and vowing to embrace more casual communication, like sharing quick memes or DMs.
• Quote: "We need to get into, like, sending posts. Two lines. Two lines." (Michelle, 74:01)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "If you stop being excited by that [seeing your name on a marquee], quit showbiz." – Michelle (04:15)
• "You know what it made me think of? There used to be an ice show that would take place in North Korea." – Adam (10:49)
• "I would never go to that comedy festival. Now, what is the number—or seventh marriage could work for me. It would allow me to be on the road." – Michelle (09:29)
• "I have sold things there...and then they're like, 'Okay, $22.' ...that’s not even enough to buy me a regular turkey provolone at Jersey Mike’s.” – Michelle (30:09)
• "I'd rather you literally spit in my mouth." – Adam on The RealReal’s payouts (31:50)
• "Honestly, what do you mean you don’t carry this? I'm like, I bought it from you." – Adam (29:13)
• "We become so rich, honey. Next year it's us. Public beheading. I love it. Oh, my God. If I were to get beheaded, let it be at the Riyadh comedy festival for 2 million." – Michelle (30:48)
• "I have two choices here. I can get up and leave...or I can be like a Michael Moore or a Louis Theroux and sit here for the story and document." – Michelle on the anti-vax BBQ (17:17)
• "Friendship is about sending stupid posts and not Tolstoy-length apologies. Two lines. Two lines." – Michelle (74:01)
• "Twitter is the only place people can still be funny. Sorry, Riyadh." – Michelle (74:18)

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Important Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:14: Michelle’s LA show and leaving her purse in Uber
• 06:25: The Riyadh Comedy Festival debate (Saudi gig ethics)
• 10:49: North Korea ice skating story and censorship
• 26:40: The RealReal grievances and resale horror stories
• 37:26: Deep dive into London sample sales and fashion bargains
• 48:00: Reality TV / Love Is Blind Season 6 discussion
• 50:30: Botox, fillers, and beauty industry takes
• 59:00: Airline loyalty, status, and meal mishaps
• 73:41: On adult texting habits and friendship maintenance
• 74:18: The state of social media and Twitter’s continued appeal

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Conclusion & Tone

This episode is a masterclass in comedic banter, brimming with specific, hilarious takes on pop culture, shopping, international mishaps, and friendship foibles. Adam and Michelle keep the tone light, irreverent, and self-deprecating, with frequent callbacks to running gags (Riyadh Comedy Fest, The RealReal, the perils of being tall, and airline indignities). A standout for fans of both hosts and anyone who’s ever resented a bad resale deal or gotten sucked into an Instagram story for hours.

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For more Michelle Collins:

• Listen to her Patreon show (highly recommended by Adam).
• Follow both hosts for more unfiltered takes, TV recaps, and, inevitably, more meticulous tales of luxury bargains gone wrong.

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Note: Non-content (ad, intro, outro) sections omitted per instructions.

Transcript

[A]

I'm right about a lot of things.

[B]

That people have zero clue that they even know is going on.

[A]

Oh. Oh, okay.

[B]

HBO Max presents a new comedy series, the Chair Company.

[A]

You've been distracted, Ron. I feel like you're hiding something.

[B]

There's so much badness in this world. From the creators of I Think youk Should Leave People are Nuts out There. Starring Tim Robinson. Oh, my God, you're disgusting. These are my work clothes. The HBO original series the Chair Company premieres this Sunday at 10pm on HBO Max.

[A]

Foreign. Today is a huge day for the Intrusive Thoughts podcast. Because if you're a mish head, this is really important. Because today we have my favorite person, one of the funniest people I've ever met on planet Earth, Michelle Collins.

[B]

My love for you is so real and true that when we don't talk for a while, which happens. And we can unpack that.

[A]

I think we should unpack it. Yes.

[B]

And I think we need to have it on record so that we can refer back to it in a court of law when eventually we sue each other. Right. But I love you so much that when I see you, it's like we have so much to catch up on that I feel overwhelmed almost. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh. Cause you were one of the og. I'll say one nice thing about you.

[A]

Just. You're only allowed to say one. Yeah.

[B]

I remember when we first met, you came into stage serious. It was right when I first started working there, like, super early on.

[A]

Was that when you first started working there?

[B]

I believe so. It was my first year for sure.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I remember what I was wearing. It was a navy blue, funny enough turtleneck like I have, draped with a white stripe. Jack white down the sleeve. Okay. You came in.

[A]

I remember it now, obviously, well from.

[B]

The pictures we took. We hit it off immediately. We were in love. And then you agreed to take some of the most sexual photos. I mean, these pictures of us from that first time you came in are some of the hottest photos I've ever seen of myself and you.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Except you also looked a bit like my son. But we can unpack that at a later date. But. And we were just friends from that point forward. You were the best guest I had on that show. You were so funny and so immediate clique. And look at us now.

[A]

I mean, that's so sweet.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

But I remember meeting you for the first time, and it was right after the Olympics, and I was doing this, like, media tour Throughout New York. And I just remember that, like, I went in and I had the best time. And you. It's like you are the, like, funniest and quickest person I've ever met. I, like. I feel like you make me, like, funnier. You make me better. I start crying.

[B]

I'm like, wait, I cry. Let's do the photo shoot again on my lap. By the way, the next time you came to Sirius, I was like, let's recreate the magic. And I remember, I think I held you in my arms like a baby.

[A]

I think the first time it felt special. And the second time, it was like.

[B]

Second time, it looked like we were in the delivery room and something horrible happened and I gave birth. He was like. I was cradling you in my arms, like La Pieta at the Vatican. It was bad. We don't talk about those photos. Oh, my God. I almost knocked this over. Anyway, but how have you been? What's going on?

[A]

I've been great. But you're in LA because you were. Well, Michelle was here performing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

At Dynasty Typewriter.

[B]

I had a fabulous show Wednesday. It was so much fun. I'd never been to that theater before.

[A]

Isn't it cute?

[B]

So cute. It's an old movie theater, and when you walk in, it smelled like childhood. It smelled like Blockbuster Video full of popcorn. Everybody who works there was so nice. And I don't know if you heard the story on my channel, kill me, but I was. So. When the Uber drove up. Did you hear this?

[A]

I did hear this. Yeah.

[B]

Listener, the Uber drove up.

[A]

Wait, listener. The best $12 a month I ever spend is on Patreon, the Michelle Collins show.

[B]

Okay, that's so nice. Please.

[A]

No, it truly is. I. When my American Express, like, flips up on my phone, I go, good.

[B]

Wait, please sign up for it, because Mama hungry. Mama need rent money. Even if you don't listen to it, throw money my way. You're supporting the arts, and specifically me. And I'm Adam's friend. And by that alone, it's like a good deed, I feel. But anyway, no, so I see. I was in the back of this Uber, such a nice driver, and I saw my name in the marquee, and I was so enamored with my own name. This is when you know you've lost the plot altogether. But I was. It's exciting to see your name on a marquee. I'm sorry. If you stop being excited by that, like, quit showbiz.

[A]

Well, that's the plot. I think that is the Plot.

[B]

That's part of it, right?

[A]

Yeah, it's part of, like, the magic of performing.

[B]

Like, how cool is that? In Los Angeles. I did live here for many years. We don't have to talk about them. My big years. But anyway, the point is, I got out of the car and I grabbed some stuff from the trunk, like wardrobe, whatever. Left my purse in the car. By the time it hit me, he was long gone. Our attack. We love him, but I had to pretend to be chill. Imagine being by yourself with new people and this is, like, professional setting and trying to play off the fact that, like, your car keys, your wallet, your phone, like, everything is away from you. And I really think I did a good job. I would like them to come on your show and talk about how relaxed I was about losing it all. Cause I was like, whatever. I'll just go to budget tomorrow and.

[A]

Right. I mean, figure it out when you're, like, in the middle of that. I've had some, like, similar things happen where with passports of, like, thinking it's gone, and you're just like, oh, it's fine. It's all right. I can stay here for a few months.

[B]

Yeah, I'll live. I'll be the terminal. Tom Hanks in the terminal. I'm from Kazakhstan, and I'm living at jfk, and I love it. And I love it here. Well, that was the one thing. My passport was home. So if the passport had been in there, I would have actually felt physically sick. Because getting a new passport is. Especially in this day and age with everything going on, they would deport me. I'd be like, wait, I'm a citizen. They'd be like, we don't care, you big bitch. Get your ass out of here. And it would be over for me.

[A]

Have you ever lost your passport?

[B]

I don't even like to talk about things like this.

[A]

Okay, then don't I.

[B]

As far as I know, I don't believe I have. No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't. I also don't have a real id. So. When I fly now, you move out of the country. Adam, things happen.

[A]

Yeah. Things happen fast here.

[B]

Things happen so fast. I didn't even open my eyes when I said that. Nobody cares about this. Real ideas. So, like, get to the step. All right, talk to me. What's happening?

[A]

Okay. The first thing I want to ask you about. Yes. I have been really curious. I really want to know, what is your take? Well, because you're famous for the takes, I think.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

You always have amazing takes.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

What do you think of the comedy festival Riyadh? Yeah.

[B]

All right, here's the thing. I was talking about this with friends of mine who are in comedy, the.

[A]

Four envelopes in Saudi Arabia who also.

[B]

Are part of the crown prince's inner circle. Listen, I don't think it's a good look personally. And the thing is this, when you're. And I'll bring Bill Burr's name up because I do have like a personal vendetta against him. Cause he was very rude to me once. But when you're someone like Bill Burr who already makes a nice amount of money, I feel Bill Burr does fine. You know, he's, he's doing okay. Even if they offered him a million dollars, which is a lot of money, even if it was $2 million, he'll live without it. I can almost make excuses for some of the lesser known comedians who went, who were offered money that they'll never see again in their life. And for them to think, you know what, it's do or die time, literally in Saudi Arabia and we gonna do or we die, right?

[A]

They're like, you're gonna kill or sorry, be killed.

[B]

Yeah, I lost my head at the Rihan Comedy Festival. I'm just thinking, what? No, but the problem with the world we live in today is it's a very narrow visioned world where we kind of pick and choose the things we get upset about. There are so many atrocities happening and slave trade and all kinds of things going on in Saudi Ar Arabia that we just don't talk about because people don't feel comfortable. They're not educated enough knowing exactly what's going on. But it's not like a safe place to go joke around, especially thinking as a woman. And I think there were two women, Zarna and, and I, I said this on my show. Jessica Kirsten, who I love Jessica.

[A]

I think she Didn't Whitney go to Cummings.

[B]

Whitney Cummings. You're right, I forgot about Whitney. Yeah, Whitney's. And I like Whitney. Let me just put that out there. She's cool and super nice. So I'm not like coming for Whitney in any way. I also think Whitney politically has been veering a little. Right. It happened in a way. It almost. Frankly, it almost tracks for Whitney and Bill Burr. I mean, as far as, like who their fans are. I don't know. I don't know who their fans are. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm making things up on the spot. Personally, I wouldn't have gone. I personally would not have felt comfortable going. I also, no pun intended, would have bombed. And let me add that. Oh, I don't think the locals in Riyadh are chomping at the bit for the hot takes from six foot one Jewess, you know, who's like, loves Housewives. I don't know if they're into that. But listen, I'm sure it's also a beautiful place. I imagine that there are awesome things. And I guarantee you that the comics who went had a great time. I don't doubt that they came back and said they were shown the most beautiful parts. They were treated, for sure, like royalty there. There is so much money there. I mean, oh, my God, it's oil money.

[A]

What do you think that they're, like, getting paid, like, half a million dollars? Like, the lowest huge amounts, I believe.

[B]

Like, lowest would be three to 400. Don't forget, that is pennies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For the crown prince of Saudi Arabia. Call me wife number five, by the way. I'm like, I would never go to that comedy festival now.

[A]

What is the number?

[B]

Or seventh marriage could work for me. It would allow me to be on the road. It had to be a ton of money. And what I was saying to a friend of mine was. And we were discussing that a year from now, no one will remember this. A year from now, no one's gonna give a shit. Pete Davidson is fine. Whitney is fine. Bill is fine. Like, their fans are gonna keep coming back. They took the check. And like, everything. People are upset now. And a year from now will not remember.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Everything. Ha. It's like. I mean, everything really does happen so fast. Or people just. They forget or they don't or they care in the moment, and then they just.

[B]

And here's the truth.

[A]

I'd be too scared.

[B]

Here's the real truth. If you were to look at every single thing in your own life, like, even if you had those strongest political morals and you thought yourself to be, like, a clean living person when it came to supporting the things you trust and love, I can assure you something that you are wearing, something you're using, something in your life has gone to support horrible, evil things. That is late stage capitalism, people. So none of us are clean. Like, we all have shit. We can't help it. Now, this is more direct, obviously, but you don't think this phone. You don't think that my. I'm not wearing anything from fast Fashion at the moment. Actually, my bodysuit. You don't think that the children at Marks and Spencer who make my bodysuit are getting underpaid. Like, everything is upside down right now. So they got their check, and that's it. And we'll forget.

[A]

You know what it made me think of? What? I.

[B]

You're, like, when you. You, like, call me up, I'm like, oh, do tell. No, go on.

[A]

There used to be an ice show that would take place in North Korea.

[B]

I'm on the floor.

[A]

Yeah. And so obviously no Americans would ever get invited, but they would find, like, these random, usually European skaters. And I had a friend, she's French, and she got a visa to go to North Korea as a journalist. So she had to go, like, she. That's how she applied. She had to write an article about her trip to North Korea.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And. And so basically, it was an enormous amount of money. Like, that's what I'm assuming. It's like the same thing with this, like, with this comedy tour where it's like, okay, whatever, I'll deal with it when I get home.

[B]

A million dollars. It's like, hey, you can pay off your house.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You come perform for some blood letters, whatever.

[A]

I mean, I know that's.

[B]

I'm not excusing that, by the way. And as I kick over my essentia water bottle, where's my camera that I forgot I put there? But, yeah, I mean, I'm not excusing it. I just feel like they're right to get shit for it. And that was the price they paid. And that's what they got for it. That's. It worked out the way it should.

[A]

Right? Yeah. So when they go to North Korea.

[B]

Go on.

[A]

So they obviously, like, they confiscate everything. Cell phones, laptops. This is. She went. A long, long time ago. So it was like, you know. You know. Do you remember when, like, a cell phone wouldn't work when you'd, like, go over state lines?

[B]

I remember when my beeper wouldn't work when I was a medical professional and I couldn't get my beeper to work in high school. Yeah.

[A]

And. And it's a lot like North Korea is a lot like that. So she said they confiscate everything. And then when they are getting ready for the show, they need to perform. Like, they need to be in full, like, hair, makeup, costume, everything. And they need to perform for, like, state officials first.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And they do this all, like, in front of the state officials. And then they have, like, a, like, censorship people there who then go through the entire routine and are like, that's too much change.

[B]

That do this jerk off medley out. Get it out of there. Yeah, The Circle Jerk on Ice.

[A]

She's so famous. It's. Oh, my.

[B]

It's beautiful. Stravinsky. Circle jerk number three. Ha. Did, right?

[A]

Yeah. And so then, you know, they do all of that and then they go to the costume and they're like, actually, hold on one second. And they all. They did. They did this for everybody in the show. They said, how about this? And they come back with, like, a full, very thick turtleneck from, like, the Gap. And they're like, put this on underneath. So everybody's like, in their skating dress, but, like, in a white turtleneck underneath. My dream look amazing.

[B]

Why am I not in North Korea? That's what I'm going to do. The North Love and Comedy Fest. I'm like, you know what I love? Censorship. Am I right? All my jokes, people are like, is this gone and crazy?

[A]

Yes. And then they're like, okay, but we'll actually, like, we'll do your hair and makeup. Like, you don't worry about that.

[B]

Oi.

[A]

They all come back looking like, who's the mom from 18 and counting? Or like, 25 and counting. 17 kids and counting. Do you know who I'm talking about?

[B]

Like a Duggar.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They all come back with, like, hair like that and, like, just Vaseline on the lips and a pat on the lip.

[B]

Natural.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what? Skating could use a bit of that. What if I was, like, true conservative. Like, I think that's good for the sport. That's really interesting. But she came back okay, right? Like, nothing happened to her.

[A]

She did.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

North Korea.

[B]

That is now, like, it's not even.

[A]

Click that. North Korea.

[B]

We love it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they. And you know who else loves it? Essential water. I bring my water up. Oh, my God. That would scare me, though. I'm dying to go to South Korea because I want to get my scalp massaged and I want my whole face yoinked up.

[A]

Like, have you not.

[B]

I've never been to Korea. I want to look.

[A]

I'm just thinking about Emma Stone.

[B]

Emma Stone. Oh, my gosh.

[A]

I mean, Lindsay Lohan is.

[B]

She looks good. Lindsay looks good. Listen, someone had the gall to ask me this. Coffee's also going over. I gotta move it. Someone had the gall to be like, did you have a facelift? Someone asked me that. I'm like, are you high on drugs? What are you. First of all, I can't afford one. I haven't been to the Riyadh Comedy Fest. Nice try.

[A]

Or the North Korean skating show, where.

[B]

I would kill for the record.

[A]

Oh, my God. Are you kidding? What do you. What would your amount be to perform in North Korea?

[B]

Two mil. That's not very much. That was so fast. Two mil. I mean, yeah. And also for the story, you know, one time during COVID as a liberal super spreader. Because I did. I was in Italy at the time, and I'm a liberal, but I also super spread. I also super spread for the right price, which now we know.

[A]

Two million.

[B]

That's the solid. That's the golden number. But I ended up. Somehow I was in Lucca, which was this walled medieval city near Florence, and I ended up. I was looking for a place to get dinner. This was, I think, pre vaccination for sure. And everywhere was empty. I couldn't believe it. I was like, why is no one having dinner anywhere here? This is crazy. And I go to one place that was mobbed, hacked. And I. And it was called like, Dino's BBQ or something in Italy. And I thought, oh, I'm going. This place is poppin. I'm going in here. I walk inside. The guy's like, madama, welcome in. Okay, we have a seat here. Seats me at a communal table, folding chairs, card tables. I'm like, okay. I sit down and slowly, I'm looking around and I'm seeing maga T shirts. I'm seeing like all this very right wing coded material, which I was pro Vax, for what it's worth. Like, I was. I believed that Covid was a real thing. You know, I was scared of it. And at that point, I was seated and they were. And people were like chatting with me. And people had driven in Italians because, you know, it's also very right wing. Many look at who's running Maloney there, but they'd driven like two hours just to go. Because it was the one restaurant in Italy that did not ask you for, like a QR code to sit down because everything was very.

[A]

Very intense.

[B]

No, it was a real. It was like an anti vax barbecue joint.

[A]

Dinos.

[B]

They've closed. I looked it up to try to find reviews, and, well, they probably died. They died. No, the guy who owned it was like a conservative pundit on Italian radio.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Who had lived in America half the time. He spoke fluent English. But long story short, I remember sitting there thinking, I have two choices here. I can get up and leave and also feel uncomfortable because people will know why I'm leaving. It would have been obvious. Or I can be like a Michael Moore or a Louis Theroux and sit here for the story and sit here for the experience and document.

[A]

You're like my friend going to North Korea.

[B]

Well, that's my point. You're a journalist. I got paid nothing to do it. But I remember sitting there feeling so uncomfortable, but also like, this is a story. Like, I'm going to be able to walk out of here. And. Well, what ended up happening was after an hour where I got served a piece of bread that was like, yanked out of a pigeon beak and a glass of wine.

[A]

Pigeons famous anti vaxxers.

[B]

Pigeons hate vaccinations. They hate them. They are. I'll think of a big pun later. But he comes out of the kitchen and he's like, okay, everyone, there was a fire in the kitchen. No food, nothing. They. They sent us all home. No one got a bite of food and they did not charge me for my wine. The guy was actually, to his credit, nice about it. He was like, you know, you're good, you can go. But I'll add that I thought, isn't this a great representation of all of that? It was like the most kind of coded, like rnc. I don't, you know, I don't want to make this too political, which I already have, obviously. But it just, I thought, isn't that funny that after all that, I got Covid for nothing and luckily I didn't, thank God. But yeah, that was like one of those things that happened in my life, like going to North Korea where it was like, oh, this is the other side. I'm seeing something that I'll never see.

[A]

Again in my life and isn't. I mean, there was one time JP and I, we were going to, with his family from Finland to Greece, and he was like, just get ready. This is like a really popular trip for a lot of, like, rednecks.

[B]

This was a drive. You did it.

[A]

No, it was a flight.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he was like, just get ready. Like, there's going to be a lot of, like, rednecks on this. And I was like, okay, let me. I can't wait to see what like, a Finnish redneck is.

[B]

Whiteneck. Do they even have sun up there? No whitenecks. I'm like, you might be a white neck if you. No. Yes. Anyway, go on.

[A]

And we get on the flight and it was. It's so crazy that that, like, vibe of person, no matter where they are in the world, will come into any room in an old navy American flag T shirt.

[B]

They had that in Finland.

[A]

Yeah, it was all they're all. Everybody was like on this flight. It was maybe 75% of the people who were on this FL in like American flag garb.

[B]

Wow. Under armour.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I got you. Isn't that funny? It's listen to each their own. I believe in free speech. So you want to wear a thing? Go wear what you want. But it's interesting. I have a friend who lives in Helsinki. I think I told you about her. She's a shoe designer. Yes, Mina Parika. She's fabulous. And you can order her shoes.

[A]

I love her shoes.

[B]

Do you know her?

[A]

I've never met her.

[B]

You know her shoes?

[A]

I have the like sneakers with the bunny ears coming up.

[B]

You are actually joking.

[A]

No, I'm guessing. I had no idea.

[B]

Wait, you don't know how I know Mina Perika? No. This is one of my famed mish call stories.

[A]

You know Mina Perika?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't even think she has stores open anymore.

[B]

She. No, she does in Helsinki. She has one. Wait on the floor.

[A]

But because the shoes. Okay, wait, I can't. I can't. One as a mish head. Somebody who's been paying $12 a month for a few years now.

[B]

Keep promoting it. Yeah, go on.

[A]

I can't believe I don't. I don't know this.

[B]

You'll know it when I tell you that Mina Parika. I actually not to because I have a live show. They added one in New York October 22nd and she is part of my live show. Not physically, but one of the stories I tell. But I have.

[A]

She sells shoes at the show.

[B]

She sells shoes in the lobby at my show. No, I had bought a pair of her shoes years ago. Cause she makes. I'm a size 11. For those fetishists out there, we have a lot who. Listen, you gotta update my wiki feet that I'm an 1142 European and she makes that size. So I bought before I met her anything. Her shoes. I was in Warsaw, Poland to see Beyonce with my friend Lucas. And these people were everywhere we went. A girl and three guys. Adam. They were at her hotel. They were in our section at Beyonce. Which by the way, fantastic stadium in Warsaw. Genuinely wouldn't. I don't love the city, bad food, whatever. But just to go and get a cheap ticket to an artist you like, it is worth going. I think it was one of the best Beyonce shows I've ever seen. Long story short, um, when I got to the airport, they were in the lounge for like Wiz Air or whatever budget airline bullshit I was taking at the time. So, of course, at that point, I was like, I have to go up to them. You know, Wiz Air, That's a real airline. And their sponsor, Honey Essentia and Wiz. Yes, we are being Honey. The checks are flow. Who needs Riyadh? Is what I always say.

[A]

When you can fly Wiz. When you can fly, who needs ri.

[B]

I actually don't hate Wiz Air. In all seriousness, like, I will throw Ryanair under the bus. Never fly Ryanair. Whiz isn't bad. I'm putting it out there. And also, Trans Savia. Real airline. Yes. Okay, so listen. So I go into this lounge and they're there, and I go up to them and I'm like, I have to say hi because I've seen you all weekend. We introduce each other, and she goes, oh, I'm a shoe designer. I go, get out. It was Mina Perika.

[A]

This is crazy.

[B]

We become Instagram friends. And I realized when I met her, I go, mina, I own a pair. And she's not a known. You know, she should be. She's very talented, but, like, she's not like some big name like that. And I was like, nina, I have a pair of your shoes. This is crazy. And it excited me so much. And then she came to Amsterdam, and we had dinner when she came to Amsterdam. She is so much fun. Oh, you would. She's one of me. You know what I mean? Like, she was there with three fabulous gay guys, and then I actually saw her at Beyonce in London because lo and behold, fully coincidentally, they were at the Cowboy Carter show that I had tickets for. Can you believe that? Wow. It's a really small world. And Mina Parika. Yes. Was there.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Well, she would love you. We should all get together with her.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'll come to Finland. She's dying for me to come to Finland.

[A]

You have to come to. Well, I've been saying you need to come to Finland for. Wait, where are you living now?

[B]

I'm homeless. No, but listen, I don't want to talk about that. Honey, pop the couch, baby.

[A]

Beverly Hills, honey.

[B]

She's on Maple Drive, baby. She's got a studio. Literally. Okay, wait, no, I'm not living anywhere. But I would go to Finland in a minute.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Would I be invited to Justin's house? Yeah. Oh, I would love to see it. It's so beautif. Adam is the hottest husband in the world. Can I say that you can edit that?

[A]

No, you. Yes, you can.

[B]

Adam's husband is so hot that he's one of the few husbands that I almost can't be normal around. Like, he's so handsome. When Dave and I came over to your house, whatever, last year, whenever that was, when we walked out, we were like, I mean, you're gorgeous, too, and you're the most beautiful couple I know. But, like, when we walked out, we're like, Justin. Oh, my God. He is like, should I go to Finland to meet someone? Is my question, I think. Do they look like him there or. He's also hot in Finland, for sure.

[A]

Well, he's like a hotel guy, but. And I think the thing is, is that, like, when you're with me, it's like you have to, like, go look down to my level. But with jp, he's taller than you.

[B]

Are you out of your mind? I look down to everyone. First of all, I'm six foot one, so that's insane what you just said, but it is true. Something does change chemically, I believe. Like the. My defense genes roll to the back of my mind.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because when I meet a man who's taller than me, and I can assure you, they can be the ugliest man on the planet. Take it from me, I'm like, wow, this is crazy. Like, I can't believe. I have theories about this actually, with flirting and things where, you know, when very short women end up with very, very tall men. My theory is that men at that height are so used to looking down and women are so used to looking up that this is their. No, I'm. I'm onto the, like, the.

[A]

The, like, tilt.

[B]

The tilt. They're used to the tilt. And. Whereas for me, I'm used to looking this way or down. Like, how often am I looking up? So oftentimes when I look up, all my intelligence also rolls to the back of my skull and I become a different person.

[A]

Relieving on the neck.

[B]

It hurts. For me, I'm not used to. I'm like, well, I don't know what this is, but when I date a guy, like, let's say six, two, whatever, or smaller. This is younger.

[A]

Younger than. No, younger than 61.

[B]

Yeah, 62, actually. Yeah, it. That's my safe space. So there is something to that, actually.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But have you always dated taller men?

[A]

Kind of by accident, but when you're five, seven.

[B]

What a happy accident. Give me a break. Yeah, by accident. I know I've always did a tall, rich. But it's completely accidental.

[A]

It's not like a quality that. Or like a characteristic of somebody that I was ever like, looking for. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't.

[B]

Because you ended up dating them anyway, so either they were looking for you.

[A]

Well, when we, like, met and connected, it was always like, I didn't know how tall they were. I don't see height, Michelle.

[B]

Fucking liar. Listener. If you're listening to this, give me a break. Can we look at each other? This is the biggest hunk of bullshit I've ever heard in my life.

[A]

I am serious, though.

[B]

I mean, I believe you also, like, you are like a catch beyond. So it makes sense to me that you'd end up with the nicest, hottest Finnish man. Mina's single too. Mina was dating a guy last time I had dinner with her.

[A]

I can't believe you know her.

[B]

I love her. She's like, she's like my coolest friend. No offense.

[A]

None take it.

[B]

She's awesome. Like, you would really like her. Let's go to Helsinki. I would. Okay. She would be obsessed. The fact that we're even talking about her is going to make her day. Like, she's going to be so excited.

[A]

These shoes, by the way, are one. They're so nice. Yeah. And they're basically kind of unisex. Like they just come in a European size. There's. I don't even think there are men's shoes. I just got them in my European size.

[B]

Are we the same size?

[A]

I'm a 41. You're 42.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Anyway, you know how I remember you're a 42?

[B]

How?

[A]

Because there's one story you told about the real real, which I. They have robbed me.

[B]

Oh, should I spend the rest of the episode talking shit about the real real? I will go there right now. Okay, well, you have to be careful. I can't get banned. As much as I loathe them, I cannot get banned from the real.

[A]

I, I, at this point, I keep it, donate it.

[B]

Sometimes I'm like, you know, it was in.

[A]

Okay. I gave them a pair of nice sneakers. They were Jimmy Choo sneakers.

[B]

I'm listening.

[A]

And I. And they, they were basically in like brand new shape.

[B]

I'm already.

[A]

If I had to give the condition, I wouldn't do new. I'd do gently used.

[B]

Very good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's what they would say.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Very good.

[B]

I'll tell people. It's fair. Good. Very good. Excellent. Pristine. Look it up, look it up.

[A]

Go on me. Every morning I'm creating myself.

[B]

Excuse me. As is. The worst one is. As is. You don't. They don't even Accept as is. You know how I know? Because I am sorry to completely steamroll. We're going back to your jimmies. I'm so hyped to talk about the realreal. I could do this all day.

[A]

Oh, me too.

[B]

I gave them a pair of Gucci velvet shoes that I had that were stunning. The problem with Gucci shoes is that you wear them once and it looks like you went to Kabul in them for some reason. I don't know. When it's the Riyadh Comedy Festival when you wear the Gucci as a first wear.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Oh, my Gucci humor, honey. Gucci Gucci goo. They're going to be signed up. Genuinely, truly. I'm so sorry to anyone listening to this. This is not who I am. And they sent them back. They wouldn't even sell them as is. I'm like, folks, I wore these maybe two times and I know I have a heavy step.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

But like, and Gucci shoes they sent back. And then I was happy cause, oh, I gave them a new pair of Fendi pants.

[A]

Wait.

[B]

That I got at the sample sale before anyone says anything. And they were just ugly. And I gave it to them and they sent them back because one of the hems. New pants with tags. One of the hems had fallen and they were like, we can't sell these. Stop. No, they were new with the tags. I'm like, by the way, people listening are on their side. I'm not telling good stories. I have better ones. I bet.

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

Jimmy Choo sneakers.

[A]

Well, wait, now you're making. Now I'm like thinking, I bought a sweater from the realreal bought and it was like in a. In whatever condition. It wasn't like pristine. Okay. It wasn't as is maybe it was like very good. Okay. I buy the sweater. I wear it one time. I go, I don't really like it. So I decide I'm dizzy. I'm going to sell it back to them.

[B]

I've done that.

[A]

I send it to them and they go, we don't carry this.

[B]

Do you know they have done that shit to me?

[A]

Wait, honestly, what do you mean you don't carry this? I'm like, I bought it from you.

[B]

I honestly don't know if I can finish the episode. I'm getting so heated. I'm so mad about it.

[A]

It's.

[B]

There's. And they make the amount of money they clear they have to be a billion dollar business because people essentially, they spend nothing other than like their employees who are nice. Everyone. I'VE dealt with there is super friendly and they come to me.

[A]

I'd be nice too, if I was probably rob blind every fucking day I'd.

[B]

Kiss strange feet at the Mina Parika boutique in Helsinki. I was robbing people every day anyway, so they come, they get your stuff, you give them your expensive designer things that you called and curated. And they sell so much junk on that site. Let me just add, there's so much garbage on there. And then you give them your nice stuff, which oftentimes for me is like more than a handful if maybe three times. And then they're like, okay, $22. I have sold things there, like real, like Max Mara. Okay, not Louis Vuitton, but still. Maximair is expensive.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I sold a Maximair shirt that I bought at Harrods in London. It was new. I had never worn it. I got 11 for it. I'm like, why am I even putting. Why am I taking the energy? I'm not sneezing at a penny, by the way. But that's not even enough to buy me a regular turkey provolone at Jersey Mike's. It's not?

[A]

No. Well, because Jersey Mike's is very expensive, by the way.

[B]

Well, there's some hacks. We can talk about that after.

[A]

Okay, I have hacks for. Do you like kava?

[B]

I don't know kava. Well, it's Middle Eastern.

[A]

Yeah, it's very. First of all, it's a fucking disaster in there. They don't know how to like run it.

[B]

They're never working again. We're taking down the real world.

[A]

This is the last episode.

[B]

We're taking down Kaaba. The only people on our side are Essentia and Saudi Arabia. And Saudi Arabia. We become so. We become so rich, honey. Next year it's us. Public beheading. I love it. Oh, my God. If I were to get beheaded. Let it be at the Riyadh comedy festival for 2 million 2 mil, honey. That's the base pay.

[A]

Okay, Go on the Jimmy Choo sneakers. I bought them. Here we go on the RealReal. Okay. They were in brand new condition, pristine, as you mentioned. Yeah. And I wore them maybe two or three times. I sent them back to the RealReal and I like, got an email of like, your item is sold. And I go and I look at the item. You'll die at how much money I made from this $4 I have. I am actually like 80 cents. I less than $5.

[B]

I'm ready to pull up my sales right now on my phone. I got the app Folks, I'm ready to go there and tell you whatever. I don't get it. But they'll sell this stuff for like 100, and then they're like, here's four bucks. I mean, why don't you. I'd rather you literally spit in my mouth.

[A]

This is what they. And they will do that really great.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know that. When did you. Must be celeb treatment over there. I don't get that. Oh, my God.

[A]

I. There was one time where I. I went through. Well, okay. When I first started to, like, make money for the first time in my life, I really was like a label person.

[B]

Yeah, that's fine.

[A]

I think it's like a. It was a. It was totally a phase. Now I'm into like, I gotta. It's gotta be like a solid color or something.

[B]

You've never been less judged than your friend.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Sitting here going.

[A]

And so there was a point in time where it was like, I'm not gonna wear this stuff. Like, I. I'm just gonna sell it. And I had sold up to a point where it's like, you have to sell a certain amount of money within a period and then you'll, like, make some money. This is what they love to do. They love to, like, say that they're selling something at a certain price point, and then they're like, it sold. And then they go, Somebody used a 55% discount code on it. And they're like, it actually sold for $20. Sorry.

[B]

They're animals. And another thing they do.

[A]

Where are these people getting the codes, though?

[B]

I've never gotten a code in my. Well, you can do like real for 20 off, but then it's on like one out of every 5,000 things. Here's the thing. I will say one good thing about the realreal, which is that as a shopper.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As a buyer. Now, they did sell me a fake bag once. No. Yes, they sure did. And this is actually very funny. You will get this because you listen to my show. So you know a lot of the.

[A]

How weighted the background.

[B]

But my poor parents who live in Miami because they don't have a home address. Because I'm living without. Because I live in podcast one. They whenever, like I once in a bloom. My mom is like very anti stuff. My mom throws everything out. I have nothing from my childhood. She is like, true neat freak Nazi style. But every now and again, I want to buy something. It's the only address I have I can mail things to. So I'll mail Something to the house. So I see this bag. Years ago, I had a bag from Narciso Rodriguez. May he rest in peace. He may be alive. I don't know.

[A]

He listens, actually.

[B]

Huge fan.

[A]

Yeah. He'll love this.

[B]

Yeah. And. But I love this bag. And of course, like, everything I have, it's in storage in Hackensack. But because no one wants. Who the fuck is buying bags from him? They're dirt cheap on the real world. And, like, the most beautiful quality suede and leather, stunning. For, like, $99, you can get a gorgeous bag. And if you're a smart shopper, oftentimes their crazy system will work in your favor, where you'll buy a bag that says very good condition, and it's actually new. Like, you. You get it. And you're like, I don't think this has been worn. That's happened to me a couple times. So that's nice. Anyway, I see this Narciso bag that. It's like, $99 for this nice tote. And I'm looking for a laptop bag because apparently I have a job, okay? So I buy it, and I have it.

[A]

Pin in that.

[B]

Put a pin in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If any. Any people hive. Riyadh. I can't stop saying Riyadh. So I. Anyway, I buy it and I have it sent to the house. Well, I don't need to tell you. It shows up in a box the size of a Kia Rio. Okay? It's like. And my mom hates. It's a crate. And my mom, like, hates stuff. So this huge box, she already. I'm in trouble. Like, already she calls. What is this? I don't have any room. I'm like, mom, open the box. Have Daddy threw the box out. They're almost 80 years old. I'm like, have Daddy break down the box, put it in the garbage room. They're 80. And they literally. And I'm like, so anyway. So my mom does that. Okay. And then I'm like, well, how's the bag? Like, is it nice? She's like, michelle, it is the ugliest. My mom was like, this bag is so ugly that I can't even believe that you bought something like this. And I'm like, you're actually joking me. So she sends me photos. You're gonna die from this. And I admit, it looks horrible. It's like. She goes, it's not leather, which it said on the thing, leather. She goes, michelle, this is a plastic fake bag. It turns out Narcissa Rodriguez had a line with Kohl's. No, no. Yes. And so someone. They didn't do the research, sent that bag to the real real. Who then thought, okay, it's a Narcissa leather. Cause the only. The real one only works in leather. Right. And put it on there. And I. And in order to return something there, you can do it, but you genuinely have to hire, like, the ghost of Johnnie Cochran to come in and be.

[A]

Like, you need a lawyer.

[B]

You need a lawyer. But they did. We did send. My poor dad had to go to the post office. I'm like, in Amsterdam while this is happening. I'm like, dad, he's 80. Daddy, can you reassemble that box? You put the box back together. They wanted me dead. My parents. But anyway, that was. Yeah. So you have to be careful with them. I don't know if anyone listening cares about this. I could talk about this for the rest of the day.

[A]

No, the. The real, real, really, like, they have done me, really, like I said, in that one period of time when I sold a lot of stuff, I think I actually did, like, make some money from the stuff, but I had to get to a certain. You have to, like, make it through the trenches.

[B]

So there was a Fendi sample sale in London. I'm gonna tell you the tea. I think that I don't even know if I'm using words right.

[A]

I'm gonna tell you.

[B]

I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna spit out some tea right in your face, and you're gonna take it. Like in Riyadh, I never work again. I love sample sales. And I've noticed. And I know sometimes they have them here in la. I've never really been to one here, but I've noticed that in New York, they've really gone downhill, like the 260 World. And they're new. Like, we fashion. There are these new groups that put these sales on in New York, and they're awful. Like, they're. The stuff is just old. It's expensive. It's bad. For whatever reason, in London, they have the best sample sales. One of the reasons I love London anyway, like, favorite city in the world. But for someone who's addicted to bargains, like me, which, you know, I am the hunt. It's the. For me, it's the Olympics. That's my North Korean ice skating show.

[A]

That's your turtleneck underdress.

[B]

My. Also my style, literally what I'm wearing right now. So I. So I befriended, like, all the people who work the sample sales there just because. And usually it's not necessarily the owners. In one case it is the owner. And he is the nicest guy. I adore him and he has great sales. It's a place called the Box in Hackney. The owner's name is Paul. He's so sweet. I come in, he's English, obviously. We always have these catch ups. So I'm like, paul, what's happening? He's like, well he's an older guy, he's so sweet. But there's also a group called Arletti that does these designer sales right in the heart of London, like above Oxford Circus. They had a Fendi sample sale where everything was 80% off. Okay, okay, so now we're getting somewhere because I'm engaged. Oh, I was locked. I came in there and I don't need to tell you that it was maybe I'm trying to think flying to the Middle east maybe has more security than what went on at this Arletti Fendi sale. Obviously no phones, you could only go in one time once your QR code was scanned because you have to be a member of this thing. You could not go back a second time. It was like Fort Knox of sales.

[A]

Oh, so you just, you can only go in once. You, you do what you can.

[B]

It's over one and done. Okay, okay, so which is the shorter.

[A]

Way of saying what I just said?

[B]

Uh huh. Again, I have nowhere to be today. You take as long as you like. And again, I don't know if these stories matter, but to me, yes. This is all I ever want to talk about. I'm like, let's talk.

[A]

Go on.

[B]

I want to pitch a show about sample sales and bargains. This is my passion. Fuck comedy. I hate comedy. This is where I am happy. Anyway, so I got into the sale and you know, I don't need to tell you that. It was mayhem and everyone is grabbing stuff. And I'll add that the English are much more polite than Americans. So it's less cutthroat than, let's say a New York sale is, which I appreciate because I like order and simplicity and I grab a bunch of stuff, most of it. And I really got everything for me, like I didn't buy any of it with the intention of selling it on the realreal or what have you.

[A]

Oh, I didn't even. That's a good idea by the way. I never even thought of that.

[B]

This is where this is headed. So basically I bought all this stuff, including those pants with the fallen hem and all this like workout stuff.

[A]

The pants with the fallen hem well.

[B]

The workout stuff was so cheap. They had like, fendi leggings for $75. I'm like, Girl, that is cheaper than Lululemon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I didn't try any of it on. Cause I was like, these will fit extra large. You got it, girl. You're in those. Wait, sports bra from, like, when he did the Marc Jacobs collab with Fendi. All this stuff. And I got a little bag, which. Ugh, I. You don't know the story. When I got that huge beach bag. And then I had to go back the next day with my tail between my legs because it was broken. And they were like. They weren't letting anyone in for a second time. But because I genuinely came in eating a pile of dog shit out of my hands, I was like, please, please. It's broken, please. They were like. The woman was Italian. She's like, okay, okay, you can go in. You cannot look any other section. You go to the bags, pick the one you want, and you exchange. Which was nice. Everyone was shocked. They were like, wow, you. She must really like you to let you go back in. And I ended up exchanging it for this bag. It was the only one they had left. Adam, not kidding, you. Wait, my bag's outside that little wallet that I had.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The bag, which had a huge, long crossbody, was maybe the size of a credit card. Okay. Tiny. Tiny. I was like, I want this one, people. I am a big boned, large woman. Why would I want a bag that is genuinely the size of my areola on a long strap? Right? But I take it because it's like, at least it zips. It works. I'm like, perfect. I'm just happy that I got to exchange it.

[A]

At least It's. I mean, what were you planning to. Your business cards?

[B]

No. Well, this is the thing. No, it fit like, my phone and like a card and a lipstick. It was tiny, though. So I wear it out one day in London and I'm loving life because I love being there. And I lose my fucking credit card. Because when I put it in this mini satchel made for a toddler, it falls out. Someone goes to Tesco, spends like $300.

[A]

Oh, they. They found it.

[B]

They used it. Someone found it and used it. Which I was like, I'm going to. I hope this went to needy children. That's what I kept saying.

[A]

I used it and it was. My dinner was delicious.

[B]

Well, with what the realreal is paying you, you are needy. I hate Tesco. But I go. I go. Anyway, long story. The short the story's actually not going anywhere. Point is, is I ended up selling a lot of that on the RealReal because most of it, if not all of it, looked horrible on me. Everything I bought. The leggings. No, girl, you don't even know. See through. They. You know, they gave me the flat ass. I mean, it was one after another. That's why they were there, because they looked horrible on. Do you know those motherfuckers are still on sale there? I can pull it up. I should do, like, a celebrity auction, like, tell you guys what it is. So you know what? I had to carry back from London to New York to Miami and then.

[A]

Give it to the real real on the RealReal. Are there still. And this is how I know that you're a size 42. Because one time you talked about it on your show. Like, I said, $12 a month. I'll pay it for the rest of my life.

[B]

It means the world to me that you listen. I think that's why we don't talk a lot, though, because you.

[A]

It is. It's subliminal of, like, I feel like I am, like, catching up with you, which is not fair because I'm.

[B]

I want to catch up with you. Right, Exactly. And then I'm like, he hates me. And then you'll text me like, oh, I heard the show today. I'm like, you listen to my show.

[A]

I know, because that's how I. It's like I'm disassociating from reality.

[B]

That's fair. Go on.

[A]

So how I know you're a size 42 is one time on your show, you were talking about how you were looking for shoes and that there were these, like, Chanel flats that, like, you couldn't believe the price and everything about them looked fine until you started, scroll, scroll, scroll through the pictures. There's taps on them. Yes. Yes.

[B]

I was like, wait, we're.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Someone with my foot size.

[A]

And you said multiple shoes.

[B]

There were at least 10 pairs of shoes. This was only three or four months ago. I bet you they're still on sale. If anyone's interested, size 11's out there. In pursuing a new career, someone had put taps on all their Chanel flats. And I was like, that seems crazy.

[A]

It's.

[B]

Well, here's what I didn't understand. Is this a designer woman with big feet who just wants to take tap class. Because I doubt they make taps in my size. When I was little, I couldn't find tap shoes. That's a true story. It's very Painful for me to talk about, but. Or do they want everyone to know they're coming? Is this something that they're wearing out on the roads of New York? Like, tick. Like Gregory Hines when they send, like.

[A]

The horses, the police? Like what?

[B]

I don't understand what's going on there, but yes, I should try to find those, I guarantee you.

[A]

But that is such a funny thing to think about. Well, I wonder how is it hard to remove a tap?

[B]

I looked into it because they were being sold for like 200 Chanel flats. Like a thousand. I've never owned a pair in my life, but, you know, I've never owned anything Chanel in my life, and I feel fine about it.

[A]

I think it's fine.

[B]

I think after anything. Did you see the story of that girl? Okay. I could talk about designer goods all day. There's a couple big stories. One was the girl who about a year ago went to Harrods, which was aforementioned Harrods, and bought a Chanel bag. But the guy who worked at the store was kind of nasty to her. And, you know, they do this when you buy stuff there. They take it in the back to wrap it. And you would never think twice about that. I like to watch the things getting wrapped. Do you know where this is headed?

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

She gets into the car, whatever, goes back to her hotel, opens it up. They gave her a used Chanel bag covered in pen marks. It was like the. The leather stitching was coming out. Like it was just really banged up.

[A]

Where did Harrods even have a bag.

[B]

Like, this is what I'd like to know.

[A]

It's the real real. In the back.

[B]

Wait, actually, though, doing as is for sure.

[A]

They're sending all the as. Send it to Harrods, honey.

[B]

You know, the real real doesn't even exist in London, which is. Here's how you know that I'm truly broken inside. I get mad as. As. As much shit as we're talking about them here. There are times when I do have things there when I'm like, God, I just wish there was a realreal here because I got to get rid of this. And it is. I'll give them credit in one way. It is easy to get, like, give this stuff to them. They usually come pick it up. So it's like, that's nice.

[A]

I've had them come to my house.

[B]

Yeah, me too. Shout out to Kim if she's listening. She's a nice lady. No, I like my. My woman who I deal with there. She's Very sweet and friendly and everything else.

[A]

There's a turnover with who comes out to my direction.

[B]

Yeah, my girl's been there a minute.

[A]

Same number, different person. Hey, it's Brenda.

[B]

I'm your new consultant.

[A]

Yeah, I would like to know. I'm gonna be in your area. It's always. It's same number, though. And I have, like, that. I'm not answering that text every once in a while. Yeah. So same number. It's just always like, hey, it's like.

[B]

Brett passed that phone along.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't even know what the hell we were talking about. We talk about Harrods. Oh, yeah. But she ended up getting her money back because they kept the bag. She brought it back to Harris and they were like, we have to conduct an investigation, and they kept the bag. And I guess that was the wrong move. So when she called her bank because she paid with a debit card. Idiot. Where's the camera? Who does that?

[A]

Right? For something so expensive.

[B]

For a six thousand fucking dollar. Hideous, by the way.

[A]

Six thousand dollars? Oh, Chanel. I mean, Chanel is Chanel.

[B]

And I'm like, for what? Canal street for me.

[A]

Patent.

[B]

Canal Street.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let me tell you something. Get a Claire V. That's true. They just had a big sample sale.

[A]

They have a good one.

[B]

I'm. It looked intense to me.

[A]

I. I don't go. Because I. I'm not like, you can't.

[B]

You're too famous to go to that. Not me.

[A]

No, I. It's not even. It's not that. Believe. Believe me, it's. It's not that. I just. I'm not there to. I can't fight. I don't have the. I don't have, like, the will to fight when I go to something like that.

[B]

People are crazy. There was also what I was very jealous about. Hermes had a big sample sale in Vegas, like two or three weeks ago.

[A]

Really?

[B]

You need to get an invite. People fly in from all over the country.

[A]

I'm never getting that. Yeah.

[B]

Do you think I'm getting. I bought a lip gloss there once, and they spit at me. They were like, get out of ours. I was like, okay.

[A]

Szechuan. Is that.

[B]

That's the one that tasted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like Szechuan peppers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Disgusting. It was so bad. Remember when once I went in there and I tried boots on? This was in Amsterdam. My size 42s. And they were a little snug or whatever. And the one was like, madama, that is the biggest size we have. But, like, she was so Rude to me about it. And I'm like, bitch, I know that already. I don't need you to tell me. But they were so like, she was. It's tight. Okay. It's tight on you. Okay. It's biggest size. Like so nasty. I was shaking from that. She was so mean. People are fucked up. I don't even know.

[A]

Wait, that. That is. I. I remember you telling that story. That is a crazy story.

[B]

Getting bone shamed in Hermes. And then I'm not even getting an invite to the sale in Vegas. At least throw an invite my way to this. That sale did look fun. Now listen, the stuff is still expensive, but you say 50 off Hermes. I feel the buzz, I feel the burn. But it's still hundreds. I can't afford it. But it's like, well, unless you sign up for my PayPal.

[A]

But you're feeling something, right?

[B]

You're feeling it. And also their resale value is high. So with something like that, you could wear those shoes a bit and sell them and get most of your money back. Mm.

[A]

There's something else. Before like we wrap.

[B]

Wrap. I wanna be here all day.

[A]

Well, I'm planning to be here all day, but I wanna do another subject. I'm like, no, we can't. They lock the door.

[B]

We're stuck in here. No. Yeah, I love that. Go on.

[A]

I wanna talk to you about some TV stuff.

[B]

Yeah, anything.

[A]

I know that. Have you started watching Love is Blind?

[B]

I sure have.

[A]

Okay. Cause I've started to see some of the clips. I haven't like buckled down yet.

[B]

Oh, I'm about three episodes in. I'm behind a little bit.

[A]

Okay, so you know about.

[B]

I know all about. So I called her Ugly Gizmo on my show. Yes, she looks like Gizmo from the Gremlins. But oh no. Pretty Gizmo. Pretty Gizmo, not ugly. Excuse me? Pretty Gizmo. I called her pretty Gizmo because there's some women who I think look like Gizmo. Uh huh. I also said Reese Witherspoon is one of. Reese Witherspoon is the queen of the pretty gizmos. She's gorgeous. Please don't mistake what I'm saying. But she.

[A]

No, I. I know what you're saying.

[B]

She looks like Gizmo. There's something. Eyes, the little nose. I don't know what it is. It's adorable. I mean, she's cute as a button, but sparkle Megan is not nearly as pretty as Reese, but has a pretty gizmo quality to her. Yes, I. Okay.

[A]

I think that they kind of set her up to say Sparkle Megan. I feel. I feel like there had to have been other Megans. There weren't there?

[B]

There was one other Megan there, but I gotta say, I don't think that they did.

[A]

I love that you say Megan, because Sparkle Megan is better than Megan.

[B]

I don't like that girl. So I don't want to give Sparkle Megan any more credit than I do feel we're already giving her. But she's very full of herself and boring. She, to me, is like the epitome of just. I don't even know. I don't want to sound like anti woman in any way, but I just. Because I'm a feminist.

[A]

But this is an anti woman podcast.

[B]

Well, that I know.

[A]

No, but you can find us in Saudi Arabia next year when we open at the Riyadh.

[B]

At the RCF next year. Oh, my God, we're running the rcf. They don't even have to pay us. Who cares about money? I just want to be there. I just need some publicity. Honestly, I should have just said yes for the coverage. But anyway, long story short, she is a very unbearable kind of girl. She's just. I find her very mean. I think she looks mean. There's a. Somebody.

[A]

There is something mean about. You can always tell when somebody is rough mean.

[B]

I think she's also lying about her age. She says she's 33, Michelle.

[A]

That she's gonna, like, break the Mayan calendar. The Mayan calendar is what she's following.

[B]

Not Mayan calendar. Not Mayan calend. Not my impression.

[A]

Good night, everyone. I think you should really, really look around. And you'd be shocked at the way that some people in their 30s are looking.

[B]

I hear you.

[A]

I don't know what it is like, what's happening.

[B]

I don't know. Listen, we get injected.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I love it. The more I Botox only. Although we're delving a little bit. Listen, I'm 44. I don't know where my camera is, but I. I have been delving a little bit. Nothing lifts or anything like that. And I can't get enough of it. But when I meet a young girl who, like, when I went to the Houstons in Orange county the other day, which was terrible, but she was nice and the bartender was really sweet. And somehow age came up and I said how old I was. And she was, like, shocked. Where's the camera? And I said to her, how old are you?

[A]

She goes, they got it. Yeah.

[B]

She goes, I'm 30, but I'm thinking about doing Botox and I was like, please, to me. And I know you were gonna disagree with me on this. Okay. I think that baby Botox is a lie and a scam.

[A]

No, I'm 100. It doesn't. That's not a thing. That's a way to get people in the door to just to spend, like $300 for nothing.

[B]

Nothing. Playing into women's insecurities that we are born with from baby times.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I say 34.

[A]

The scariest times. The baby times.

[B]

The baby times. Girl, you don't have to tell me.

[A]

BT.

[B]

BT. That's my calendar. The BT calendar.

[A]

Well, and she's 33 on the BT calendar.

[B]

On the BT. No, but I say 34. 35. Okay. Then here and there. Start to do the forehead, this and that. That's when I started. But I think that the problem is these girls are getting it done at, like, 25. And what it's doing, it is changing their, their cellular buildup. I don't even know the word for it, but I just think it's. It's messing with them.

[A]

I. This is what I think.

[B]

Go on.

[A]

I think that with the Botox, that freezes, so that's, that's what that's doing. It's helping, like, prevent the. The onset, like, hard, deep lines.

[B]

Fine.

[A]

So I think that you're okay to get that in your late 20s if you have, like, some, like, deep wrinkles starting.

[B]

Fair enough.

[A]

But you've got to get in there to get, like, a real amount of units. There's no such thing as baby Botox. That's a scam.

[B]

That's not real money in the garbage. Yeah, It's.

[A]

It's, it's not going to do anything. So. But I think that, like, when people run into, like, an issue is when they start to do, like, the filler. You can't change the shape.

[B]

Well, listen, I don't mean to bring. I don't want to go down this road. A lot of people here. Why are we here?

[A]

Why are we here?

[B]

In fact, I'm not even going to say any names. There are a few celebrities recently who are going viral because they famously beautiful women who are ruining it with filler. And what I don't understand. Look, Kris Jenner to me is like the. And Martha Stewart. They're the poster children, I'll say, because they look like baby times for good work. The trick is facelift when you're ready. That's it. And Botox. And that's it. Filler will not make you prettier, I don't think. Maybe here and there. Because I know that it can't help with, like, little lip things, little nose stuff, jaw, whatever. It can help, but in moderation.

[A]

Well, and it's better on, like, as somebody gets older, because you've lost the volume so they can add.

[B]

You don't have to tell me about that. I know all about it. However, my whole thing is, when you are a famous, very, very wealthy celebrity, how are they effing you up? That's what I don't get. When you see someone famous who has been butchered, I'm going, someone hates you.

[A]

I think they're not being told no. Like, they're like, this is bothering me. That's how it has to be.

[B]

I don't know. Because this person I'm thinking of again, whose name I will not ment, who is famously very pretty and did not need anything, does look a little bit jacked.

[A]

I'm dying to know.

[B]

I'll tell you after. You'll know in a second. And I just feel like that had to be a doctor because I don't think that she's someone who would be like, I don't feel pretty because she's pretty. Like, it's not even a matter of debate. So I think someone said, well, you're promoting something right now. Wink, wink.

[A]

Yeah, wouldn't it look better if you had full cheeks?

[B]

Let's turn you into Jigsaw is what they said. And that's what happened.

[A]

Well, it's the crazy from the side when they get the chin done and it's like, whoa. That is really awesome.

[B]

Thank God I have a manjaw. That's the only good thing about my manjaw is, like, one place you will never see me get Phil or Bethenny Frankel is here and here. I will never. Them bones, Shakira. Them bones don't lie. These bones are locked and loaded for good.

[A]

There was something. I want to go back to Sparkle Megan for a second.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[A]

So her job. I wrote it down because I really wanted. Oh, look.

[B]

What? It's empty. Okay, guess what she does. She was an oil.

[A]

Okay, because she said.

[B]

And because I was like, Saudi Arabian coded this episode.

[A]

She hired everybody she was doing booking.

[B]

Sparkle Megan, huge Bill Burr fan.

[A]

So she was doing oil, she said.

[B]

Working at an oil company.

[A]

Medically driven, tech enabled health club.

[B]

That's her new job. I believe that she had a job that was oil related and it sold. And she must have had a stake in the Company or something. I don't know what real words are and I'm an idiot. But somehow when they sold it, she fell into a lot of money. So now she's delving into her passion. When she see it again, it's medically.

[A]

Driven tech enabled health club. I wanted to break it down with you because when I started thinking about it, I was like, she's just selling vitamins monthly. Well, okay. Medically driven pseudoscience. Okay, Tech enabled website.

[B]

Elizabeth Holmes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, there I knows. Okay, and then what's the last health club?

[B]

Yeah, but that's a club that sounds to me like a gym of some sort.

[A]

A club is something you just have to become a member of. I became a member of a United Airlines. I'm a member like you, just also United States. I'm Delta. I was. I knew it.

[B]

I knew it. I'm sorry, can I reference. I was on Jackie Schimmel's bitch Bible, a fellow podcast one who we love.

[A]

We love, by the way.

[B]

I'm obsessed with Jackie.

[A]

I'm like, don't say anything bad about Jackie.

[B]

Bad about Jackie made God strike me down. I fucking love Jackie. So let's not get this twisted. If anything, I'm going to boost Jackie and you and put myself down. What else is new? But when I did Jackie's podcast, I said, let me guess, Delta. Because there is a certain kind of person. Snobby.

[A]

You think?

[B]

Yes, Delta.

[A]

I'm like the Cheshire cat. Like, do you think?

[B]

Do you think as you're like, I saw Jimmy choo. I got $4. Okay. Yes, yes, I'm telling you.

[A]

But I'll tell you what happened. Because originally I was a United guy.

[B]

I mean, United isn't great. I. I'm on. I'm with them for life. But last time I up to Greek. I upgraded to business on my flight from Rome back to New York. I call it the Sopranos Express. And it was into New Jersey. And I upgraded and there was lettuce leaves in the. This is in business United, which is expensive. Even with the upgrade, it's still like money to upgrade lettuce and potato chips. And I scraped it with a napkin. Imagine, yeah, Jimmy John's whole fricking Quiznos there. And I scraped it and I showed the very nice flight attendant and she went, oh, my God, I'm so sorry about that. I'm waiting to get miles. I had to clean my seat with organic detritus. And they didn't even give me a thousand fakacta fucking miles onto my account. I'm like, what kind of airline is this? So then I wrote to them because I'm like, that's. And also the whole plane, the bathrooms were filthy. I'm like, this. And this is transatlantic flight. Come on. This is not like, to Fort Lauderdale.

[A]

I feel like when you're international, like, then the. The lines are a bit blurred, I think, because I think Polaris is fine.

[B]

I actually like the seats as a big person.

[A]

I say this as somebody who's fully only flown completely in the back of the plane for three years straight because I've lost all my status.

[B]

Oh, I know.

[A]

Polaris is nice. I'm saying that as somebody who's in 48H.

[B]

No, well, the real. I don't even want to say it because I know all the good United seats. Like, that's my Terminator, too.

[A]

Don't reveal it.

[B]

I can't, because then I won't be able to get them. So it's my secret and mine alone. I actually find the Polaris seats comfortable. Odd numbers only. That's a good tip. Just so you know, if you ever get the pleasure of flying it like before, after you scrape all the food out that the baby left there, wash it down. I mean, it was filthy dirty. That's crazy. I sent a thing being like, hey, I never complained. Like, truly, you know me. I'll leave a nice Google review. If so, if someone said does something nice for me. If someone throws a $5 coupon my way behind a register, first thing I do in the car. Five stars on Google. This is what I like to do. It makes me feel good, but I'll send a complaint when necessary. And I sent a thing, and they were like, we are so sorry. Anyway, have a great day. I mean, that was it. I'm going to. This flight was like, three grand. You can't throw me $100 credit.

[A]

That's wild work.

[B]

It pissed me off, and I spent a lot of money with them, so that bothered me.

[A]

Delta isn't much better when it comes to, like, stuff like that. There was one time I sat on the tarmac, it was like, for three hours.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And it was technically two hours and, like, 45 minutes. Three hours is like when they have to give you, like, $25 to spend at Shake Shack.

[B]

Okay. Lucky.

[A]

Okay. I was living large. And I was like, I. All I want right now is like, I need to get this 25. 25, like, coupon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And this was like Biden administration days. So I'm like, Pete Buttigieg. Yeah, Pete. He's he was working for us. So I'm going. I'm like, let's get in the line. I was traveling with a friend of mine. I was like, let's get in the line. We're getting $25. Yeah. Like, this is worth it to me. And the girl at the desk was like, sorry, it was three hours. I was like, you got to be kidding me. It's like, if we were on that plane for five more minutes, it's $25. And she goes, I'm so sorry. And I was like, oh, that's crazy to me. I walk away, we all get a text message. We are all getting $25.

[B]

Very nice. Okay, that's nice. So they did do the right thing.

[A]

I was just mad I didn't get it at the desk.

[B]

They did do the right thing. I'm like, wait, I'm eating old lettuce from.

[A]

That was your meal. They said, here's a napkin.

[B]

And I have to add that my meal also sucked. But I didn't complain about that. But it did.

[A]

It did.

[B]

Anyway. It is fine. It is what it is. You know what it's like. You land, you make it there safe. In this day and age, I'm just happy when we land. I'm like, baruch Hashem. We landed. We're happy. But, oh, my God.

[A]

Well, okay, so I was United for a very long time because they were a sponsor of Team usa. And then when Delta became. Well, then I stopped ski. Then I stopped flying. And then when I started to fly from, like, LA to New York pretty often, there was a time there's only, like, one direct flight from LAX to JFK, and it's on Delta.

[B]

I don't know. To JFK. Well, I don't deal with JFK. You will not see my ass in JFK. I'm the last.

[A]

Are you LaGuardia? Newark, new. Oh, sorry. I.

[B]

And. And for those who poo poo Newark, I will defend Newark to my dying days. When it comes strictly to the three New York options, In my opinion, LaGuardia is out of it because they don't fly International. So LaGuardia is like, whatever, but if it's JFK versus Newark, gun to head, even. And Terminal B at Newark, I Admit, is the 28 days later opening sequence. It is one of the most depressing, horrible terminals in the world. I will admit to that. Compared to jfk, any. Including even the drive back any day of the week, flying to Newark, that's the best tip I can give you. Wait, but terminal C and Terminal A for United are nice. A is new. It's really nice. They got a jersey. Mike's.

[A]

It's. I. I'll say this.

[B]

We gonna throw our first fight.

[A]

What?

[B]

What?

[A]

Tell me that Delta started building out these like Delta 1 lounges.

[B]

Those are nice.

[A]

And I've flown it once like through. Through lax where you. It's like a secret entrance.

[B]

I've seen that before. Yeah, but that's a rich. Listen, when you're rich listener, everything's nice.

[A]

But by the way, three years straight in the back, there's no way on Delta. I'm always on every flight I take, I'm paying full price for bags.

[B]

Do you have the credit card for the airline? Well, that's your first one.

[A]

Well, I have an amex. I have an mx.

[B]

It's not gonna do shit for you. I have the United card and I do get. Because you know, but when I travel, it's like the end of Fiddler. Like I have everything I have. And actually last year I hit platinum for this year, which is. Spoiler.

[A]

That's crazy to do. That's a. That's a huge feat.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. And they wouldn't give me money for the lettuce. This is my point. I was like, what is this?

[A]

That's not right.

[B]

No, platinum is eight. Well, because I was on tour last year, so I was flying all the time and I made sure I was like, we're only doing United because I want to get platinum. Because then you get three 70 pound spinners. Say less. I mean, say less to this mess.

[A]

You mean Jackie on tour, 375 pound.

[B]

Spinners, they're opening for me. The 70 pound spinners are opening for me. But. But yeah, no, all of it. Listen, the whole world is burning. I mean, we're so lucky. Like we're everything we're bitching about. It is like the height of luxury. I'm like. And then I bought my Jimmy choose. Anyway, what else? We haven't even. We didn't even talk tv. Love is blind is very good.

[A]

I heard.

[B]

Because I spoiled that one of the couples. It's just a very weird season. It's a very cursed season. And actually I like it because to.

[A]

Me they needed to go back to something cursed. Like I feel like these people are a little less in on it. They're in on it in a different. In a more damaged way.

[B]

Well, two people ghost the show. I've never seen that before. Where they don't at the very one guy ghosts and I thought, oh, he left the house for good. That makes sense. He's still dating other women. I'm like, and he should not be allowed to ghost. I'm sorry. If you are a guy or girl, whatever, in that house and you decide you don't want to date someone anymore.

[A]

You have to tell them.

[B]

You have to tell them, what is this? But I kind of liked it because as a single woman, that is the most realistic reflection of what the fuck is going on out there. So I was like, well, in a way, it's sort of. It tracks. But also he ghosted Sparkle. Megan, listen, I was never in a sorority. To me, she just feels like the girl at the sorority who would be mean to everyone, who'd be nice to your face and then awful.

[A]

Well, medically driven, tech enabled health club.

[B]

I'm joining.

[A]

That's a crazy amount of words.

[B]

I'm joining. It's like, that's where I'm. That's where I'm gonna live now. That's my new house.

[A]

I mean, you could describe anything. If you describe anything in enough words, it sounds like a good job.

[B]

I wouldn't know what that feels like. Well, come.

[A]

Okay, let's do. You're a comedian. Okay. Medically driven, it'd be like wellness oriented. Mm, tech. And tech enabled. You can buy tickets online.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Joy Club.

[B]

I wish I was in a Joy Club. I could never leave the Joy Club because every day, this whole episode, we've been bitching. How are we in a Joy Club? Joy Club, honey. The Joy no Luck Club. That's me. That's the name of the episode. The Joy no Luck Club. Have you ever seen that film?

[A]

No.

[B]

One of the best, most underrated films of the 1990s. The Joy Luck Club. You've never seen the scene where the daughter. Oh, any daughter. If you're a daughter.

[A]

Do you like daughters? Wait, daughters. Have you listened to any of the Taylor Swift album? No, I have not.

[B]

So anyway, when. No, I've heard things. My only De Niro. My only De Niro impression. I heard things. I heard things. It sounds great.

[A]

The sound of it. The sound is good when you listen to some of the lyrics. Some of them are.

[B]

Listen, I don't want to repeat some of the jokes I've read. I'm not here to hate on Taylor. I respect a hard working, hard wicking woman.

[A]

Hardworking woman. Barbara Walters. Uh huh. Hardworking woman.

[B]

You know what? When we started the show, by the way, both your producers quit. They just literally walked out the door. Goodbye. I want you to know when we started, it was so cold in this room that I had my little sweater around my shoulders.

[A]

B. I b. Like the.

[B]

It's so hot in here now. What happened?

[A]

We're not in charge of the. Are we in charge of the temperature here? No.

[B]

They're hotboxing us in here, and I don't like it.

[A]

Do you know, a few weeks ago, I was in here bragging, and it was maybe 50 degrees.

[B]

No, it was freezing. When I started, I had my turtleneck on and I felt like an Eileen Fisher model. I was like, could you imagine if.

[A]

You were wearing it?

[B]

You'd have to pull it all on camera.

[A]

My health.

[B]

What was I going to say? Look how good you look.

[A]

Here.

[B]

Look at this. Oh, thanks. Who took that photo? I did. Did you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Selfie.

[A]

Stop. Yeah, I took it with, like, a. Like, I have a nice camera problem.

[B]

Delta one, the elite, Right? Delta one, honey. Hidden entrance.

[A]

Yeah. And then I uploaded it to my computer. I wrote to my phone first.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Face tuned it. I had to just, like, freshen it up a little.

[B]

I love facetune. It's natural, though.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You know what this trick is? Face app, which I actually love.

[A]

Never use Face app. I use facetune one. And every time I open it, they're like, you would love Facetune 2.

[B]

Oh, they've sent me, like, Facetune 9. They're like, this bitch needs the real deal. I'm on, like, the new no Face app is good because it's okay when.

[A]

You go in the Anonymous for gasified, for animosity.

[B]

That's where I asked if I know that I did yassify that woman in Face app for anonymity. Yes. My quote, which has been stolen out a million times.

[A]

Oh, it's. I mean, it's part of the lexicon. Yeah. It's the lexicon.

[B]

Anyway, I do that. I get no credit. And that's why I need you to subscribe to my Patreon, because I don't have a house. Anyway, when you upload it, it will. Which I find very wrong. It will, like, assume your gender. And that's when I know that I'm truly looking like shit. Because sometimes it'll bring up the male filters for me.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's.

[B]

That has happened to me. And I'm like, I'm being transvestigated now by Face app, which I love. But you go in there and you. Do they have it for men or women? Silk. That's the filter name. Silk. And you hit silk and you Hit one. I'm telling you, it doesn't change your face. It doesn't make your lips bigger or anything. It just. It sweetens it. 8%. But that 8% is the deal maker. And also, if it's like a dark photo, it will kind of lighten your face a little bit just to make.

[A]

You sharp studio lighting.

[B]

It is Silk 1. That's on your Delta 1. I'm Silk 1, honey. Like, you know, just once when I.

[A]

First started recording this podcast. Yeah. I was recording it on, like, on a camera, as you do.

[B]

Look at you. Yeah.

[A]

I'm bragging again. And I remember I'd, like, upload the footage and be like, I look really good. And I had a lot of people, like, message me, and they're like, look amazing. And then one day I found out that I had, like, some sort of, like, medium beauty filter on.

[B]

Oh, on zoom.

[A]

On. Not on zoom. It was like on the camera.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And so then I truly, like, there was a huge, like, I went.

[B]

You took it off? Why?

[A]

I had to get real. I'm. I see.

[B]

I'm had to get Riyadh Comedy Fest next year.

[A]

Have you seen that one video of what's her name? Abby Lee Miller on the play?

[B]

Oh, my God. Well, you know, I'll. I would die for Abby Lee Miller.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

Abby Lee Miller. The.

[A]

I met her. I've been on her podcast. Have you, Michelle? It was one of the best days of my. Recently, I have maybe a year or two ago.

[B]

She was skinny at that point.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, you know, I would.

[A]

I demanded. I'm only getting interviewed. I am skinny Abby Lee.

[B]

Big fat shame. Which is. That's a joke, by the way. No, she got on that plane.

[A]

She's the funniest person.

[B]

She's genius.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's mean. She's another one. She's a terrible tiptoe around. It's like Sylvia the psychic. What's her name? What's her last name? I can't think of it now. Yeah.

[A]

Wait.

[B]

Sylvia Brown. Sylvia Brown.

[A]

Where?

[B]

She's like, the land. The land. No, these people. I mean, Tegan Ish, who's an Instagram account, posts all of Sylvia Brown's clips from Montel. I almost said Montel Jordan. Goodbye. Montel Williams, who I also love. Met him. Lovely guy. And someone will be like, my mom passed away when I was 2. Honey, she's not. She's not here. She's. She doesn't care about you. I mean, she's so mean. One woman. Did you see the one where she Was like, this is. She says, my mom passed away. This and that. And like, she. Oh. She goes. She said something on her deathbed to me, and I couldn't understand her because she. Did you see this one? Yes. Because she. She had, like, tubes in her mouth. And so I was just wondering. It always haunted me, what did she say? And she went, what did she say?

[A]

Your father's not your real.

[B]

That was what I was gonna say. I don't know what she said, but just so you know, your dad's not your real dad. Out of nowhere. And was like. And that was it.

[A]

She's stunned to the point, like, she can't move her lips. She goes, sorry, you don't want to meet him.

[B]

You don't want to meet him. And by the way, because I read in the comments, that woman did get DNA tested and it was her dad. I mean, she's crazy. This woman is just that. We need famous people like that again, though, we kind of have some, but they're not funny. The problem with. I don't wanna say who I'm thinking of. We do have a famous compulsive liar actress. I will not name names because I've.

[A]

Been to somebody after.

[B]

Yes. Write the initials down. Turn the camera off for this. Hold on. Don't write the initials down in the notes app. Wait, wait, wait. I think it's gonna be the same person. I'm excited for this. I already know. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Anyway, but the problem with that person is that she's not funny. So it's like. It'd be hilarious if you could, like, joke about it and, like, kind of make it campy, but they won't allow you to make it campy. Bitch. Lean into it. You're a liar.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I hate that it's so hot in here. I don't know what's going on. Is she controlling the therm. What is happening back here?

[A]

It really is crazy. It's hot out there.

[B]

She's freezing. She's in a Patagonia.

[A]

She's in Fendi.

[B]

She's in my Fendi sp. You know what, though? What I forgot to say is that some of it did sell, and I made profit on some of it.

[A]

The Fendi stuff.

[B]

I did. 60 bucks or something. I mean, nothing. It's better than nothing.

[A]

I mean, it's better than nothing.

[B]

I'll take it over $4. My point is, I think at the end of the day, it's sort of. If you're it, can I look at it as I break even? We can wrap. I want you to know I'm wearing a bodysuit. I have to share this. I'm a tall woman. I'm wearing a bodysuit meant for a normal, heightened woman. When I tell you that it is slicing me in half from the middle up.

[A]

Is it not? Like, do you. How do you.

[B]

Yeah, it snapped. That's the problem. Oh, right. I know where those snaps, honey, those snaps. I'm about to give birth to the littlest snaps in the world.

[A]

Baby time.

[B]

Baby snaps. Tiny guys, I am. The littlest bodysuit is about to be pulled out of me. You don't even know what I'm dealing with. I'm like, I am dying. So between the heat and the inevitable yeast infection I'm gonna get today. I've had the best time I have the time of my life. Oh my God, I would trade this for any other experience in the world.

[A]

I hope it was worth it. It was wor. Michelle, I love you so much.

[B]

Well, the problem with this is we could talk all day.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And also I feel like you. We could talk about anything.

[A]

Well then the next time you're in la, you have to come back.

[B]

Yes. And you've co hosted my show before. I know it's a big ask.

[A]

It's not. Wait, okay, this is what, this is like, Michelle and I, and I promise, like, we're done after this.

[B]

We will unpack this on air.

[A]

Yeah, we, and we should. And because I do deserve like a public shame.

[B]

I would do that to you.

[A]

I would do it to myself because I'll tell you, like, I, and I do this with everybody and it's not, it's like not a becoming thing of a young man to be doing this to people. And it is that like somebody will text me and it's somebody who I want to give my full, undivided attention to.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

And sometimes we're not in the same time zone or I'm in the middle of something and I don't want to say something that like, is. I want to give them the paragraph.

[B]

You don't want to throw it away. But then here's the issue with us. And I think that this is a good thing that we're doing.

[A]

It's not an us thing, it's a me thing.

[B]

Well, here's what I think with you. Uh huh. I think from now on, when we text, instead of it being these, if I were to pull our text messages up, they're the most from both of us. They're the most groveling tolstoy length.

[A]

You're following my energy.

[B]

Yes. They are the longest text, and it's like, I'm a piece of shit. I never. And. But then it happens every three months. Or one of us will be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Whatever. I think we need to establish when you're ready. A quickie, like, because we're real friends, like, you see something funny, just send it to me. Two lines. Two lines. Two lines.

[A]

We need to get into, like, enter. Yeah. We need to get into, like, sending posts.

[B]

Yes. Do you do that with people? I. No.

[A]

Well, listen, wait. I don't use. I don't, like, ever tweet anything. But I sent tweets. I'm on. I'm still on it, but I don't. I feel like.

[B]

Yeah, just a DM me.

[A]

I thought we gave it up. Okay.

[B]

I'm. No. I'm on Twitter all day. Are you kidding me? Twitter is still so funny. The only funny place. Sorry. Riyadh. Twitter is the only place people can still be funny.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, isn't that crazy? Never. I was. I was the day Reels. All right.

[B]

I like reels.

[A]

I know. Not reels. What? Threads.

[B]

Oh, threads.

[A]

The first day of Threads was amazing.

[B]

Oh, my thing with threads, and I do go to it.

[A]

United privilege.

[B]

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm. Let me just pull this lettuce leaf out of my crack. My thing with threads.

[A]

Pull the bodysuit aside, I go to. Yes.

[B]

A full salad. Honey, you don't know what I'm feeling right now. I am not in a good space physically at the moment. My issue with threads is that it's too serious, and everyone is like, what's happened to it? I mean, it's just everything. But it's where people go to complain about air travel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

People just are complaining. So I do like it sometimes because I like to know when things are going wrong for people. Like when people complain about makeup brands or whatever. I like to read people complaining, but certainly not funny. Threads is the most humorless. You know, the initials you brought up before. She's the queen of threads, honey. Because it's the most humorless place.

[A]

But the. Have. Did you ever. Blue Sky?

[B]

Never. No, I signed up for it.

[A]

I signed up for it because I was like, if. Maybe this is the thing. And then when I saw what the username was, I was like, your username? Is the. Your username Dot. Bluesky Dot something? I was like, no.

[B]

Do I look like I went to mit? I don't even know how to Use it. It's like, oh, you want to go to this group, that group, groups.

[A]

No.

[B]

Bring me one URL and let me just go and read all my slop in one place. Don't make me pick my slop for God. If I don't pull this bodysuit out in the next five minutes, there will be blood loss. I'm telling you right now. Paul Thomas Anderson, there will be blood.

[A]

We can't afford that on camera.

[B]

I don't think you understand what I'm feeling right now.

[A]

Okay, on that note, so much, Michelle, thank you so much. I love you so much, everybody. You have to. To subscribe to the.

[B]

We're holding hands. We are going to establish a new type of text and communication.

[A]

And I'll also, like, co host on your show literally anytime.

[B]

I don't think you understand. I do four episodes a week. I never have co hosts. Come do it. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's an hour of us fucking around.

[A]

I would. Let's just. Let's just put it in the calendar.

[B]

You tell me the show up. Make it work. And by the way, Adam has co hosted before, and I'm. I have the most fun with you in the world. I have. I'm very lucky, though. I really love all my co hosts. If the person is on my show, they are funny and smart and like, that's narcissism speaking. But also true. We have, I mean, some of the funniest co hosts it is.

[A]

I mean, it's a great rotating.

[B]

It's good. And I really adore everyone. So please come back.

[A]

Love you.

[B]

I adore you. Thank you for having me, and congratulations on your podcast. And you've never looked better. You have the hottest husband. We're going to Finland. We're gonna meet Mina Parika.

[A]

We're gonna get chews.

[B]

I'm excited. I actually would go. I'm not even kidding. Like, this winter, you name it, I'm there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

All right, let's figure it out.

[B]

Love you. Love you. Bye.

[A]

Bye. The questions start early, and then they start multiplying.

[B]

Do babies hold grudges? How do I know when he's full? Logging poops, comma, necessary.

[A]

Raising kids raises enough questions. That's why we make one formula that feels right right away. One made by pediatricians and parents like you, backed by breast milk science and built for babies, brains, bellies and beyond. You'll wonder about everything except this. The formula that answers. Learn [e-mail].