Caller (32:31)

Hi, Adam. Since you're asking for callers to call in again, here I am. I have one more question for you. Actually more of a comment. So one of the qualities that you have that keep people coming back to your podcast is just your amazing sense of humor and the way that you can just describe these situations that happen to you in such a funny way. And you've had a few bizarre things happen to you, just between the coyote incident and the phone falling into the plane, just to name a couple. One of the funniest things I've ever read in print is when you describe at the end of your autobiography how you forgot to take your name off the list of competitive athletes for drug testing. And if you could tell that story to the listeners in your own words, I think it would be a gift into the podcast world. Thank you. Have a great day.

Adam Rippon (33:36)

To just start off, I want to say I'm honored, and I do love to just give a little extra flair to what might be a mundane story. Nothing's mundane in this life, believe me. When you're making sync art and you're finding spaces that maybe Mafioso used to try to put up a front of a massage business, right now that I'm thinking maybe it was like a. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'll find out. Maybe it's like, maybe I'm reading into it too much. Maybe it's just like, they didn't. Maybe they had to go, I don't know. I don't know. Okay. To the voicemail now. Now we're gonna have to turn the page a little bit. So let's talk about drugs. And that's how I'm gonna lead into being a part of the United States Anti Doping Agency. So if you are an elite athlete with Olympic potential or with some sort of world standing in any sport, that's like, in The Olympics, you as an athlete will be put onto the US Anti doping, like, athlete list. Okay. And what that means is that you are in like a testing pool and your, your name is like added to this list of people who can be tested at random anytime throughout the year. And so when you're a competitive athlete who's trying to qualify for the Olympics or who's like, internationally recognized, there's like some sort of like, status internationally that when you break through, you become part of this like, testing pool. And so what that means is this, you're going to submit your whereabouts every three months. And so what that means is I'm going to submit a calendar and I'm going to tell the US Anti Doping Agency where I'm going to be. My calendar specifically when I'll be home, when I'll be at the rink, when I'll be at the gym. And I need to give this like, detailed, like hour by hour account of where I'll be throughout the day for three months at a time. And if I stray from that schedule at all, I need to send an email and update my whereabouts that I will not be at this location tomorrow. I will be here instead and give the address. And so, like, anytime I'd go on a trip, I would send follow up emails as well. It'd be like, okay, let's say I'm going to St. Paul, Minnesota and I'm going to be staying at a hotel. So as soon as I know the dates of those trip, of those trip, as soon as I know the dates of the trip, I send that I'll be in Minnesota. I say the name of the hotel and I say like all of those dates. And then when I get to the hotel and I check in, I send another email and I write that I'm at this hotel and this is the room number. So it gets that specific. And so you just do this because part of like the, the rules of being like an athlete is that you need to be available 24 hours a day to take a drug test at random. And it's not unusual that you'll get tested maybe once a quarter, right? So you could be tested four times a year at most. It's not, sometimes you'll get tested once a year or twice a year or three times a year. But there are times where it's like you, you just seem to be tested like once every quarter. It's completely, like, it's completely random. And so that's how that works. And if you fail to like update your whereabouts properly and you are getting tested, and you're like, I never updated my whereabouts. Like, I'm not gonna be there. So they. So the. So if you're getting randomly tested, somebody from the agency will call you and be like, we're going to be here. And so if you're not exactly where you are, you have 60 minutes to, like, meet them at your location to, like, figure out your shit. Like, you have. And you got to be there before 60 minutes. It's pretty strict because sometimes, like, you know, things ha. You go to the grocery store, like, whatever. It's like, you don't need to be like, I'm going to the mall right now for five minutes. It's just. You need big chunks of time, but you need to stay in proximity to, like, where you said you were going to be. Because if somebody. If some doping agent calls you, it's like, okay, great. I have 30 to 60 minutes to get there. And, like, we can do this. And so that's what it means to be, like, in the. In. In the doping pool. And if you. Let's say, like, I went. Let's say I did that Minnesota trip and I never updated my whereabouts. And I get a call and they're like, where are you? And I say, I'm in Minnesota. I can't do the test. And they go, okay, that's one missed test. And then by the time you get three missed tests, it's considered a doping failure, and so that's considered, like, a failed test. Three missed tests is like, you get suspended and it's happened multiple times. Not to me. Believe I've never had a misstest. No. I'd rather crack another sink and try to fix it with fiberglass paint than have a missed test on my record. So now that you know how, like, that works, now I'll tell you, like, a little bit more. So when you are tested, they present you with. Basically, they come with, like. Like, they're like, little brown boxes that are, like, about. Like this. About. About the size of my head, right? Like a Game Boy controller. If you put, like, a Game Boy control, I don't know why I'm like, my head is the side. Like, I'm bragging about, like, the petite size of my head being the size of a Game Boy controller. It's just like. It's a small box that two bottles go into. Okay. And so what the doping agent will do is he'll pull out, like, five of these boxes, and they all have, like, random numbers on them, and you. He goes, pick one and so, you know, he. Because I'm a boy, and there's always going to be a male with the male athletes and a female with the female athletes. And I'll get to why that happens in a second. So they put maybe five boxes in front of you, and they say you pick one of the boxes. So you pick. They're all the same, right? But it's to show that, like, you had a choice of which one you were choosing. So you choose a box and you open the box up. Inside the box is a styrofoam box. So you take the styrofoam out and you open that. I'm like, have not thought about this in such a long time. You open the styrofoam box, and then in that are, like, two bottles, and one says A and one says B. And there's a lot on the A bottle. There's a line, like. And they're both the size of like. Like a garlic powder, like, little spice container. And so you have these two bottles, and they're identical except for A and B, and one is red, one is blue. And on the. On the A sample, it's like a line that's, like, more than halfway up. And then on the B sample, there's a line that's less than halfway. And so you take these two bottles out, and they ask you to check the numbers. So you make sure that the number on the A bottle, the bee bottle, and the box are all the same. All three numbers are the same. You say. Okay, yes. So then what you need to do is you need to pee into these bottles, and you need to pee, like, more into the A. That's the main one. And then you need to, like, there's less P that you need in the. In the B, because that's, like, if there's something wrong with the A sample or if they need to retest or something, like, they can always go to the B. And so when you do that, it's not as simple as, like, just going to the bathroom and be like, I'll be right back. No, no, no, no, no. Right, That's. That's not. That's not how it goes. There's a little rhyme I'm going to teach you, and hopefully it gets stuck into your brain. And the rhyme is, from nipple to knee, I've got to see. And what does that mean? Well, that means that the doping agent who is with you will come with you to the bathroom, and they need to clearly see your naked body from the nipple to the Knee. So you are standing in front of a doping agent like a toddler being potty trained with your shirt all the way up to your nipples and your pants all the way down to your fucking ankles. Like, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do a pee pee. Like, that's what you look like in front of the agent. And they need to do this so that they can see that you're, like, not putting a fake sample in to your, like, A and B, like, things. Okay? So you're standing there like a toddler who's gonna pee pee on the potty for the first time. And, you know, I'm shove the shirts. Like, I'm not like, the shirt I'm like, tucking underneath my armpit. I'm not taking the shirt. I'm not gonna stand there, like, in the nude, right? So it's like you're trying to be as demure as, like, possible. So the arms are, like, holding the shirt up and the, you know, your knees are like, buckling with the pants around the knees and slipping down to the ankle. What does it matter that, like, if it drops down to the ankles? But there's just something. So, like, to keep a little bit of decency, you try to keep the pants up by the knee, right? It feels crazy to have the pants go all the way down to the floor. It feels too intimate at that point. At least from nipple to knee, it feels like, official. But, like, if you're wearing no shirt with, like, pants around the ankles, that feels like, truly like, that feels insane. Don't ever do that. I never did that, by the way. So you do this, and then you have to pee into these, like, bottles. So you first pee into the A bottle, and then hopefully you have, like, enough pee and you can, like, continue to pee. It's not like they're like, you know, 32 ounce hydro flasks. They're not. They're like, they're the size, like I said, of like a garlic powder. I don't know why I'm going with garlic powder, but you get it. You get the reference. And so you pee into this and you, like, pee. And. And another thing, let's say that, like, you just peed and then they're like, we're at the door. Well, they're gonna stay with you until you have to pee again, and you're gonna drink a ton of water. But the thing about it is, is that if your sample's too diluted, like, if it comes out too clear, sometimes that's not a good sample and they have to stay even longer and watch you pee again. That's happened to me. It's. I've spent, like, hours and hours with a doping agent. And so the way that that works is, like, there's, like, employees who work for US Anti Doping Agency, and there's, like, a full list of. And they get a list, like, the day of. I think, like, this is just from my experience of, like, what I assume is they get a list or of. Of the. Of the. The week of. Of all the athletes they need to go through, like, within a week period or something. I'm. I. Whatever. I. I know that, like, if he. If he was finished with me early enough in the day, he'd go to another athlete, but if not, like, that athlete would just get pushed onto the next day. Whatever. And so I'm saying this is that because I, at this point, like, I knew the guy that was coming to my house. He was the same agent who, like, worked for US Anti doping in, like, my part of the country, in my part of Southern California. Like, he would always come to me. His name was Emilio. And so at a few years into, like, him always being the agent that came, I ended up saving his number in my phone because it's also this random number, and I don't want to miss the random number. So I saved Emilio's number on my phone. So I knew, like, oh, Emilio's calling. I'm getting drug tested. Okay? So I danced this dance with Emilio for years, right? And we do this, well, you know, nipple to knee. I pee in front of him. He needs to see the wee willy winky out, pointing at the bottle, you know, peeing into the bottles. And so. Okay, I'll show you. That's, like, how a good drug test is going to go, right? And so that means that then I take the bottles, and there's this lid that you put on, and you. You twist it until, like, it locks. And you have to twist it until you hear, like, the click, click, click. Three clicks. And you do that on both. And then after they do that, they, like, wipe off the bottle. They put it in, like, a, like, plastic bag. They seal the bag on one bottle, they seal the bag on the. On the other. They put it back in the Styrofoam container. They tape that up, and then they put it back into the box. And then you sign a paper that, like, what time they came, how long that they were there. I've had Emilio at my house for hours. Like, we've had coffee together. We've chatted because it, sometimes he's come and I've already peed. Like, okay. And there's nothing you can do. Like, you just have to wait. And that's the name of the game. That's Amelia and Emilio. And I knew the drill at this point. All right, I'm not ready to pee or like, I just. Peter. God. It's a diluted sample. We gotta wait again. It happens. And once they, like, if they're like, let's say they come at 3 o' clock in the afternoon and you gave, you just peed and then you drink a lot of water, you give a diluted sample and you pee again, like a few hours later. Not good. They have to wait. They'll be with you for like five hours. They can't leave your site. That's the other thing. Once they're with you, you're not allowed to like, like, leave their site. They have to follow you everywhere. And so, you know, that's what that looks like. Once you do all they, you know, close the box. Bye. Thank you. And you, like, fill out a full paperwork, your name, like, your everything, like any supplements you have been on, any, like, medications you might have taken, anything, everything. You write it down on this piece of paper, you sign it, they go. And then, you know, if you've not been taking any drugs, you never hear from anybody about it again. And so the way that these tests work and I'm going to get to the story, I promise, of like, what. I'm sure I find this interesting. Maybe. Hopefully you do. Okay, Give us five stars. Right? Helps people find the podcast. I start crying now. Oh, yes. Okay. They, they do all this. And so what happens is they send these bottles to the lab, right? And they get tested and if there's an issue, then they look up the number on the bottle and then they find out who to contact, that there's been an issue with the sample. So they never know whose sample or what sample they're testing. So it's all completely, like, completely random. So these bottles go to the lab just with numbers, not with like any sort of like identification of whose sample is in that. So that's, that's how that works. Now this all seems like pretty straightforward, right? And I was always very diligent about making sure I did the whereabouts properly and did like, everything right? Because I'm a good little student, right? Like, I'm a good, I'm, I, I, as an athlete, you know, I liked to say some, like, crazy things, but I was always gonna Play by the rules. Okay? So it seems pretty straightforward. Okay? You just gotta pee in front of, you know, this guy. Whatever. Okay, Whatever. So I. When you decide that you're gonna retire from competition, one of the first steps to retiring is to have yourself removed from the US Anti doping testing pool of athletes. And when you remove yourself from this, it's. You're basically saying, like, I'm not a competitive athlete anymore. I don't need to be randomly drug tested. I don't need to be in this, like, pool. And so after the Olympics, I was not even thinking about, like, the whereabouts or, like. Or anything, but you have to submit them for the beginning of the year. So the Olympics are February. I've already submitted, like, whereabouts into, like, March. And so I am home very luckily, because I was traveling, like, a ton, and I get a call from Emilio, and I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, my God. I forgot to remove myself from the, like, doping pool. But I was luckily, you know, like, 30 minutes from home, which is where I said I was going to be in my whereabouts. And so Emilio calls, and I said, hey, emilio. Like, I'm 30 minutes. I'm, like, in the car right now. I'm gonna be there in 30 minutes. He says, great. I'm also gonna be there in, like, 15 minutes. I in. You know, he knew the gate code to get into, like, the complex. He knew everything. So I'm realizing that, like, I had just gone to the bathroom, just peed. You're learning a lot about me and my, like, lot of bathroom heavy episode. I'll say that. So I realized, like, okay, I. I should start drinking some fluids now, because I want to make sure that, like, Emilio can get in and out of there. But I also am gonna tell him, like, this is the last time we're ever gonna, like, do a test together. It's, like, happy and sad at the. You know, at the same time. My favorite Casey Musgraves song. And it's about this. Actually, I'm lying. My. This. This test was, like, well into, like, the. The year, because I remember that I was, like, so excited to see Emilio. I was gonna show him my Olympic medal. I was gonna show him my Dancing with the Stars trophy. And, like, we were gonna have, like, a great, like, last nipple to knee experience together. And so what happened was I'm like, I need to start drinking fluids, right? That's quite important. So I decide, you know, what better way to drink fluids than with a Gatorade? So I pick up, like, a zero sugar frost flavored Gatorade. And I go, I think the electrolytes are really going to help pump this urine through this body. And so I down this frosted Gatorade quick. I go, I should get another bottle. I'm like, stopping at a grocery store and actually, no, wait, I did not stop at a grocery store. Why am I lying? This is crazy. I know what I. I was at the rink and one of my friends, if you watch skating, Nathan Chen, he had some sort of. Like, he had tons of Gatorade bottle. And I said, I need these two. I have to pee in front of Emilio one last time. And he's like. He's like, who's Amelia? He did not have the same agent. Okay, doesn't matter. So I say, thanks, Nathan, for the Gatorade. I down the one and I go, I gotta have another one. So I drink another one. And as I'm driving, I just feel like the frosted flavor of the Gatorade is, like, hitting my stomach in, like, a very odd way. Some weird. Ugh. Doesn't feel good. Whatever. I'm still trying to build a sample. I'll say wink and build the sample. You know what I mean? I'm being so coy now, right? So I'm still trying to, like, get a sample together mentally. So I go home. I don't need to pee. I see Emilio. I let him into the house. I show him the medal. We chat. He asked how the Olympics were. I talk about Dancing with the Stars. I show him the trophy. I tell him about how I loved Stephen Colbert. Right? Tie into the beginning of the episode. Always good. So we start chatting, and I can start to feel that, like, I need to pee. But I'm also feeling something sort of in the back door as well. I'm feeling like the Gatorade hit me in a real odd way. Yeah. What am I gonna. What am I going to do? And I. I have to have this, like, real heart to heart with myself. And there's some times. And you know, I'm going to be honest with you, and I'm going to be truly blunt. There are some time, and if you're not ready for it, you know what? You've made it 57 minutes. Love you to love you to death. You can tap out now if you're not into poo poo pee pee stories, but if you are, buckle up, here we go. So I can just feel that, like. And we all know it, right? Where there's just sometimes, you know, with this p. There is a poo that has to come with. There's no negotiating with the body at this point that you have to poo with this pee. And I'm just saying to myself, like, there's got to be another way. There's got to be another way. This doesn't have to be like this. I'm saying this to my body all internally, while in the meantime, I'm sitting, having a cup of coffee with Amelia. Oh, yeah, the Olympics are good. And I'm having this, like, internal battle with myself of, like. No, you just. Just pull it together. And I'm trying. I can feel the. And I'm gonna say it. Diarrhea. I can feel the diarrhea. Just getting ready to just. It's ready to go. The whole tank is full. Both tanks, whatever tank the diarrhea comes out of. Another tank for the urine. They're. I have two full tanks of. I'm sorry. Fluid. I'm really sorry, you guys. And I'm trying to, you know, visualization is so important. It's key to being an athlete. I'm trying to visualize sort of the dumping of the back fluid, of how is there a way I can make diarrhea pee? Like, I'm trying to visualize, like, I know that the pipes in the intestines of the inner of our bodies doesn't work like that, but I'm really hoping that, like, my mind can kind of just, like, from one bucket to another, just, like, move the diarrhea come out of my dick. Like, that's what I want to happen. Only this one time. Okay? Only this one time I want this to happen. Because if I need to do a diarrhea, that means that I'm gonna have to, because, like I said, Emilio can't leave. I can't leave his sight. I can't go. Hey, sorry, I've gotta poop, and then I'll call you in for the pee. We can do that one together like we always do. No. And so I am smiling ear to ear, talking with Emilio, and I think, you know, I. I have a moment where I go, there's no. Okay. There's nothing I can do. There is absolutely nothing I can do in this circumstance. And I go, okay, Emilio, I'm ready to pee. And I am walking sort of like how a pirate would walk a prisoner to the plank, because it's a death march. Because I go, I only have a few seconds left before I can be the first person to ever turn diarrhea into pee. And I haven't given up hope yet. And so God, it's such a terrible story to tell. And so I stand in front of the toilet with my butt cheeks clenched because I'm gonna pee into the toilet. Because I go, if I don't sit down, it won't come out. And I'll just cut to. I don't myself, okay? It doesn't ever go there. But I'm standing nipple to knee, pants around the knees, shirt under the armpits. And I know that. No, no, I know. I know that I need to say this secret word to let the pee come out. And I know the secret word is this. I need to turn to Emilio, and I need to go, emilio, I've never had to do this in front of you, but I have to poop. And I'm so sorry. And I was really making it a spectacle because he's laughing at me at this point, and he's like, this is definitely not the first time it's ever happened. I'm like, it's just. This is not the way that I want to end this relationship. Now, you might think, oh, my God, you have to poop in front of a meal, whatever, that. The. The. The real interesting part of the story comes now because I'm not gonna be poop and pee at the same time. Like, I have to let one go and then the other. And. And sometimes you don't think about it until you really have to think about it. It's a chain reaction. Poop comes out, pee starts. Right. I can't have that happen because I'm trying to keep some level of, like, decency and decorum in this, like, now completely lawless land that I'm living in. And so what I do, I decide, okay, I'm going to break this up into shifts, and I'm telling Emelia all about, like, my game plan. And my game plan is this. I'm gonna do this sad diarrhea in front of Amelia. He's gonna have to watch. And he did watch. He had to make sure. It's his job. But I had to. You know, I was doing double duty, because not only was I had to focus. I didn't have to just focus on taking a. In front of somebody and looking at them like, I'm truly a dog pooping on the boulevard, going, are you watching? Right. I'm doing that. But I'm also having to take my wiener, and I'm having to, like, fold it in half like an envelope to make sure. Like a garden hose, right? Like, if we. You know, when you, like, get a kink In a garden hose of water. Can't come. I'm doing that with the. With my wiener so that the pee can't come out because I. I'm not gonna then try to, like, take A and then juggle these, like, oh, these A and B sample bottles. Like, we've just got to do this one step at a time. And let's just get the most humiliating part of this out of the way. So I finished the. The back door business. I finished the diarrhea. Okay. I finished that. I clean up. I go, I'm so sorry. And I'm grab. I'm choking out. Like, if my dick could breathe, I would have knocked it out nowhere. So I do that, and then I go, you know, I'll just. For old time's sake, I'll do it like I'm supposed to. So I take my shit, I clean my ass, I flush the toilet, and I stand up, and then I release the beast. Two full A and B samples. And, yeah, that's the last drug test I ever took. And the last drug test I ever took. Yeah, I did do a diarrhea in front of my good old friend Emilio. And if Emilio, you're listening to this, I am sorry that we made eye when I did do that diarrhea, but I will let the US Anti Doping Agency know that there is no better agent on the block. And so, yeah, so have I taken a. In front of somebody? Have I locked eyes with a person who's on the clock while I've taken a. Yeah, not only that, I've taken a wet diarrhea in front of them. And on that note, what a really beautiful way to end this episode of Intrusive Thoughts. Please call in. Please call in. I'm gonna get a follow up on the medical spa of, like, what was that business that got kicked out? Okay, they got kicked. They got kicked out. I'm all. I'm good. I'm gonna have to. I'm, like, so nervous. I'm gonna have another Emilio diarrhea situation on my hands. I'll be fine. Now here's the deal. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of Intrusive Thoughts. Leave us five stars. It really helps people find the podcast. I'm just caught. I've been doing so many guest podcast appearances to promote the show, which I'm loving, by the way. I'm loving doing all of the podcasts. I'm having so much fun. But now I'm starting to, like, pick up l other people are using, and I really like that one. Leave us five stars. It really helps people find the podcast and they just say it's so natural. And now I'm like, I've picked it up. I'm a true podcaster now. Yeah, leave five stars. I said that. Now, please call in. Leave a voicemail. You can call or text. And that number is 310-909-9717. I know this episode is, like, so, so long, and we've never. We have a really great text that we're going to do next episode and so that we will get to the text messages. We haven't done any of them yet, but keep texting. Keep calling that numbers. 310-909-9717. I'll read one of them now. It says, hey, Adam, I never tried sending a text across the ocean, so sending love from Serbia. Elena. She's a triplet mom. Appreciating your friends with babies. Tick tock. Not tick tock, TED Talk. Good night, every. Sorry I'm so flustered from, like, the criminal hijinks and the, you know, bathroom escapades to our. We're huge in Serbia, by the way, everyone, which is really good to know. And Elena, thank you for the text. We have more texts to go through, more voicemails, but please keep them coming. 310-909-71117. I'll let you guys go. This is a long one. A real, real episode. A manic episode of intrusive thoughts. Leave us five stars. It really helps people find the podcast. I gotta go. So do you. Love you. And I'll see you next time here on Intrusive Thoughts. Bye, everybody. Sam.