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You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary. Hello everyone and welcome back to Intrusive Thoughts. I'm your host, Adam Rippon. Now, yes, I am taking a more quiet tone because I'm recording at. Let me check the time. Yes, 11:23pm I just felt like right now was the best time. It's also the time where everyone in my house is sleeping. And so I decided, yes, it would be the best time that I just kind of talk non stop for the next, who knows, 30, 45 minutes, maybe even an hour. I don't really know and you don't really know. And since we both don't know, that's what's going to make this so special. Every episode is special, but this one is going to be the most recently special one. But yeah, everyone is asleep and I thought, well, if everyone's going to sleep, I should kind of turn on the brightest lights I have and I should talk. But I decided that I would talk quietly. So let's just kind of see how that goes. I'm not really sure how it'll go, but we will figure it out together. So let us begin. What have I been up to? Hmm, not too much. That is a lie. I've been really busy, But I'm great. Okay, I want to talk about Lena Dunham and her book. I've just started it. Actually, I started it today. It's something that I feel like everybody is talking about and for once in my goddamn life, I feel like I want to be a part of the conversation. I have this horrible habit of like, I will see something going on, a cultural event, a book, a movie, a television show, and I will. And this is so fun. I will wait until everybody's watched it and has stopped talking about it. And that's when I somehow decide that's the time that I should watch it. Because there's nothing like adding your two cents in after, you know, it's really hit or miss if anybody cares about your 2 cents. But it's really, you know, you can really tell if it's going to be hit or miss. It's going to be miss if you give your two cents months after the fact, maybe even years after the fact. One of the things I'm going to go back to Lena, so don't worry. But one of the things that I recently just watched for the very, very first time was Desperate Housewives. Now, this was. I'm not even sure if I ever mentioned this on the podcast, but this was something that my husband, he got started on Desperate Housewives, and he got started on it when I was away in Milan at the Olympics. And he really loves to find a television show. He listen, if I'm late to the game, he's the latest person to the game. I don't even know. Like, my husband has such an eclectic. I don't even know how to say this. He has such an eclectic taste for television programming. And when we're at home, we like to watch tv, like at night. Groundbreaking. And I usually kind of don't have a say in what we watch. Not because, you know, I'm just taking that role. It's because I just, you know, I want him to take the lead on this because I can sit through something I don't really like, and he does not have that gift. I don't know if it's a gift. It is a bit of a curse. But if it is a gift, I have it where I can just kind of sit mindlessly through something that I have zero interest in just for the sake of, you know, wasting my own time, which I love to do. I really do love to do that. In a way, I'm addicted to wasting my own time. But my husband cannot do that. JP cannot waste his time. I love that for him. It's just not for me, you know, as a time waster, professional time waster. So if he doesn't like it, he, like, he just can't watch it. It's got to be turned off. You know, I'm willing to give television shows sometimes the benefit of the doubt. I'm willing to let the characters grease their gears, get themselves in order, get their storylines straight. You know, I'm willing to do that. He is not, you know, he is a tough critic. So if it's not going well, sort of immediately, we're not going to be watching it together. That's going to be something I have to do solo. Do I have an example of that. No, because, again, if it's just something that we're not watching together, I'm probably not watching. But if it's something like a big cultural event, everybody's talking about it, then that is when I will kind of take the television into my own hands and I'll go, it doesn't matter what you think. I've got to watch this. And I'll probably do that by myself. Okay. Anyway, desperate housewives. When JP started watching this, he goes, I found this TV show. Found. Okay. From 2005, I found this TV show, desperate housewives. I think it's still on. I did, in fact, have to break the unfortunate news that Susan Delfino and Lynette Scavo and Gabby Solis, you know, all of them and Bri Vanderkamp, that they're no longer working in television as characters. You know, a lot of them are still working in television as actresses, but as those characters, they haven't really set foot on Wisteria Lane. They haven't really set foot there in about 15 solid years. So that was sort of. That was a tough break for him. But it didn't stop me from watching because I had never seen it before. And it is one of those, like, amazing, addicting shows where the, you know, the best part about it is that, like, the craziest thing can happen. And then two episodes later, they never reference it again. Like, for instance, there, Lynette Scavo and. God, what is her husband's name? I can't remember, but he has, like. He's like a guy. Mike, maybe? Mike Scavo? No, Mike Delfino. That's Susan Delfino's husband. God, what is Scavo? I can't remember. Anyway, so what I mean is that they'll, like. They'll say something, and they just, like, let it go. Like, it's a huge plot point, right? For, like, five episodes. And then they just, like, never mention it again. So Lynette has a husband, and he had a step. Like, they have a stepchild. Like it's his child or something. I don't really know. But anyway, she's evil, and she's a little girl. And it gets to the point where Lynette hits her in the middle of a mall. It's a bit jarring, but it happens. But it's only because this stepchild is, like I mentioned before, pure evil. Like, she'll trick her step siblings into kind of hurting themselves or, like, doing dangerous things. It's amazing. But basically, what happens is that, like, when they resolve her character, what happens is that, like, they just send her to live with her grandparents. And this was in an earlier season, I can tell you, because now I've watched the entire thing from, like, front to back. Once she gets in that taxi. No, no, no, it's not a taxi. Once her grandparents pick her up, we never hear about her ever again. Okay, just to recap, there's a stepmother who hits her stepdaughter in a mall. They send her off to live with her grandparents, and then we never hear of that character ever again. And that's the beauty of Desperate Housewives. It's the absolute beauty of it. And so that is an example of, you know, being a bit late to the game. 15 years late to the game. Some might even say, back to Lena Dunham, as promised. So I. Okay, that's not a sigh for Lena. That's a sigh for. For me. Before we get started, before you go. Oh, no. What has he got to say about Len Dunham? I don't have anything to say about her yet. I'm gonna get there. The sigh was really for the television show Girls. Now, this is a show that Lena Dunham directed and starred in on hbo, critically acclaimed. A cultural phenomenon, you might say. Now, the thing about Girls is that I wanted to be a part of this conversation. And I remember this conversation we were having in, like, 2010, right? Am I. I feel like I'm right. And the reason is. The reason. The. The. The reason I remember that is because I remember taking out my netbook. Like, this is, like, a mini laptop. Like, this is way before the days of, like, iPad. I think this might even be before the days of, like, iPhone, because I can close my eyes and I can exactly see where in time I am. I'm, like, holding my BlackBerry Pearl and I have my netbook. I feel like iPhone existed. But it was. It was a point in time where you could take a hard stance and go, I missed. I don't want. I want to have a keyboard. Like, that was the hard stance. You could have a be. I don't touch a screen. It just felt so ugh, you know? Just felt ugh. I want the keyboard. Because we were hot off of, like, the sidekick, too. You know, we all needed a QWERTY keyboard on our cell phones. It was mandatory. This was straight off of T9. If you don't know what T9 is, that is when you might know that on a telephone, Right? Telephone, that each number has, like, letters assigned to it, right? Like, the number 2 has A, B and C. The number 3 has defined the number 4, GHI and T9 was the advanced AI. Now this was AI. Come on. If you really think about it, this was the beginning of AI, this AI technology where if you wanted to spell the word like call, okay, because if you wanted to spell the word call before T9, what you needed to do to text that was you needed to press the number two three times because you needed to do A, B, C. And then you needed to wait one second to allow the phone to go, okay, C and now what? So you needed to wait that second. So you were going 1, 2, 3. And then you waited a second and then you press the 2 again to get the A, right? And then you would press the 5 three times because you needed J, K, L. And then you had to wait a second. J, K, L. Okay? That's how you had to spell the word call before the AI technology. I'm really sorry. The AI technology of T9, texting, right? Everything changed when we had T9. T9 was incredible. This summer, don't squeeze in. Spread out. Find homes big enough for your whole guest list of on vrbo. 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Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this message reflects one person's experience. But then we evolved to like this sidekick to the BlackBerry. Right? Where the BlackBerry was really for people who just needed to just like answer a lot of emails on the go all the time. And obviously me at 19, 20 years old, getting three emails a week, needed a BlackBerry. I remember I saved up for this, really needed a BlackBerry Pearl. So I was. And you had. And you want. You wanted to also add your friends on bbm. What's your bbm? And everybody had like a little code that you could enter in and basically it like didn't charge you for text. Another thing there was like you would get charged like an amount of money to send one text message. It was that. That was like a real time period. I also saw this video again. I'll get back to Lena Dunham. Like, I'll, I'll get there and this is all going to make sense in a minute. But I remember that I. Not. I remember I had just seen this video on social media and it was like phones from the past. Ooh. And so I was watching it and they were like, what phone did you have? And so I was watching the video and I remembered exactly the phone that I had when I was like, younger. I feel like when I was really young and I got my first cell phone, I was like 13 when I got my first cell phone. And this was sort of at a time where it was like 13 year olds didn't have cell phones. 13 year olds didn't need cell phones. Like, we were doing AOL instant Messenger. I had a cell phone because I was taking the Greyhound bus pretty consistently from Scranton, Pennsylvania to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and my mom felt that I should have a phone in case of an emergency. Smart move, mom. And so I had a phone when I was 13 because I was like taking a bus. Okay. Those. There were like, limited options. It was like, do you want this one or do you want that one? And that's kind of it. It was like this one or that one. There was no, like, choosing a phone. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm saying? If you don't know, then you must be very confused. But that's neither here nor there. I remember when you could start choosing a phone, right? I remember the first phone that I had where I was like, I chose this phone. It was a Sony Ericsson phone. I loved it. It was black and it was orange. Like, the body was black and all of like, the detailing was orange. It was stunning. And then I was pretty hooked on the Sony Ericsson for a while. There was just, you know, the thing is, is that, like, if you didn't grow up when cell phones were new out on, like some pretty important core memories of Getting a new phone. When you get a new phone now, all you have to do is just, like, put in your, like, login information or whatever. Everything just shows up. Like, there's no mystery in that. Like, it's just. It's. It. Basically, it's a new phone, but everything is just coming from your old phone, right? And you might be thinking, well, yeah, duh, that's okay. What are you talking about? In the past, okay, in the past, when you would get a new phone, you would have to do everything from scratch. Okay. When you got a new phone in the year 2004, you were like, nara Smith, I'm gonna make this phone from scratch. You had to individually go through your contacts one by one and write them all back in to your phone's phone book individually. There were no apps on these phones. Right. There was maybe, like, two games. And you could really, like, burn a ton of cash buying ringtones, which I did, and I got in huge trouble for it. The worst thing you could do on a phone in the early 2000s was go on the Internet. Nothing would guarantee your family to either disown you, or, I don't know, they would disown you. I think that was, like, their only option because it was, like, the most financially, like, it was the best financial decision to disown you. Because if you opened the Internet browser on your phone, that was going to cost you about $500. The World Wide Web was not accessible on a phone. It was, but you should not ever go on it. And I remember on an old phone, going on the Internet was like, why? It. It was. Oh, God, it was horrible. You couldn't do anything on that. But there was. Oh, God. But it was so tempting to just see what. What will. What will work on this phone. But, yeah, you just. Like, that was not allowed. And that is something that we miss. Like, could you imagine now? I could not imagine now. I mean, there's very few numbers that I. I think I really, really, honest to God, need in my phone. And if, you know, push came to shove, I could probably just like, put the ones that I need individually into my phone. But I'm sure I have, like, 500. I can look it up right now. I wonder if it'll tell me if I hit contacts. Let's see. Hmm. Will it tell me? No, it's not gonna. I bet I just have so many, and I'm just scrolling right off the bat. I see three people who. I have no idea who they are. I'm seeing. So far, I've seen. One person in this contact list is dead. So far, so. So far, so good. There's one person I went on one date with. I don't need that one anymore. You know, I don't know who this person is. I definitely don't need these three numbers in a row, but, yeah, you just. I could trim the fat is what I'm saying, but, you know, never will. What if I need that number, right? What if I need it? I won't. But what if I do? I'd be kicking myself if I deleted the number of somebody who I haven't talked to in 20 years, who probably doesn't even have that same phone number, you know? But what if I need it? What if I need it? So I can't do it. But, yeah, I could not imagine going through one by fucking one, all right? Blah, blah, blah. And we'd have to do that. Remember again, before the days of, like, T9, you'd be going in, pushing all those numbers a million times. It would take days. It would take days. Now, the reason that I brought all of this up is because when I think of the show Girls, I close my eyes, I see my netbook, I see my BlackBerry Pearl, and I can almost see the apartment that I was living in in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Yeah, I used to live in Canada. Jealous. Justin Trudeau much? Also crazy that him and Katy Perry are actually dating. You know, it felt like a joke to me. I'm sure to them it felt very serious. But to me, it felt like a joke. It felt like something that was a complete lie on Twitter. And then all of a sudden, it was the truth. It was the God's honest truth, and it still is the truth. She's living in her truth. So is he. And they're together and they're going to Coachella. I don't know if that's true. I think it is. Anyway. I close my eyes, I'm in the apartment. I see the netbook, something. I'm trying to get onto the netbook. Now, there were two shows that I was really avidly trying to watch. The first, Jersey Shore, and you could watch this on MTV.com. i think that was what it was. I was basically, you know, we're also fresh off the tails of downloading things illegally. So for all I know, this was a pirated website of which you could see old MTV television shows. But I remember that this netbook air, I would spend. Oh, God, hours upon hours watching Jersey Shore. I loved it. There was nothing better. The other thing that I really tried to watch was the show Girls. You know, I had a lot of friends who were watching it. I had a lot of friends that were talking about it. And again, like, I wanted to be a part of their world. I wanted to be a part of the conversation. And to be a part of that conversation meant you needed to have hbo. Okay, There was no HBO Go. There was no streaming login. Okay, you needed to have hbo, the cable network. There was no way around it. Sorry, nobody could help you, not even Lena Dunham. You needed to have hbo, the network. Now, up until this point in my life, I only associated HBO with the channel that we only got for about two hours as a preview where I think they would talk. Basically. All I know is that sometimes if I got onto the HBO channel at night, they would preview about 30 minutes of some that I can't remember, but you would see a grown woman's naked breasts. And that was really exciting for me, you know, just to see breasts on television. And so that's the only way I associated with hbo. Because we didn't have it. That's just, you know, the way it was. That's the way the cookie crumbled for me and my family. We didn't have hbo, but I had a friend who had a friend, and she was like, you can use my friend's HBO credentials. I don't really know. I don't know. Basically, I was logging into a friend of a friend's HBO cable account online, and it only worked once or twice before I did get kicked off. And then I never had the opportunity to watch Girls until probably, you know, a few years ago when there was an HBO Go. HBO Max. A Max, you know, the ever transitioning name of the HBO streaming service. And I. I do need to kind of sit down and I do need to give it a good watch because I really. I remember the first episode really vividly. And I remember going, oh, I really like this show. It's really fun. I don't know if that's a great way of explaining it. I also feel like I was a little young for it when it was coming out, but I do feel like now as an adult, I would really appreciate it. Had to clear my throat a bit. So, yeah, I do think I would appreciate it. And obviously, just like Lena Dunham is in the, like, Geist always. And I just feel like I never had the opportunity to be really sitting down and watching Girls, but I have the opportunity to listen to her book while everybody is talking about it, while she's on every talk Show. She's on Good Morning America. She's on the Today Show. She's talking with Diane Sawyer. Swear, Diane Sawyer. She's talking to anybody and everybody. And she's number one on the New York Times bestseller list. So it's like, okay, Adam, it's time to listen and read. And by read, I mean listen to the book on an audio version, because you know me, I love a good audiobook. So I started listening today, and so far, I think I'm in about chapter four or five. That's a lot, actually. I know for a fact I'm in chapter four, and it's very interesting so far. I'm really liking it. I think she's an amazing writer. And my number one takeaway from the book in this moment is Adam Driver seems like the weirdest person you'd ever want to meet, as expected. You know, I would be shocked if somebody was like, no, he's not weird. He's pretty normal. Like, he does not look like a normal guy. He did not act like a normal guy. He does not act like a normal guy now. So to hear from Lena Dunham's perspective of that, he was completely erratic from the get go. Absolutely pans out. And so that's my number one takeaway. Is that Adam Driver a funny duck? I'm very curious to see how the rest of the book will go. And believe me, I will keep you tuned in and ready and rearing. Now, there's another thing that I really do need to talk about, and that is Goop Kitchen. I recently watched this video that the Vanity Fair Instagram account posted, and it was this woman who I would describe as a reputable journalist, okay, A grown woman. And they were talking about Goop Kitchen had come to the east coast and they had ordered a bunch of Goop Kitchen. Whatever. They had ordered a bunch of salads from Goop Kitchen to the Vanity Fair office. And the clip starts like this. I need to paint the entire picture for you. The. The clip starts like this. She takes a bite of the salad and she goes, oh, my God, it's so good. And then the person from behind the camera goes, oh, my God, are you crying? You know, crying because the salad is so good. So this had just piqued my interest, you know, it had just piqued my interest. Absolutely piqued it. This was the last straw. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. This was the moment I went, I need to try Goop Kitchen. Because before this Vanity Fair Instagram video, I had saw. I Had. Saw. Good night, everybody. Oh, God. Before this Vanity Fair Instagram video, I saw this TikTok of a girl going, unpopular opinion. But Goop Kitchen is my favorite restaurant in. In la. And that just struck a chord with me, and I went, oh, my God, what the hell is this Goop Kitchen? What are they putting in those salads? I need to have a goop salad or I might just have to kill myself. Okay? It was that serious to me. I needed a goop salad. A woman from Vanity Fair cried over a Chinese chicken salad, okay? And there's some random girl going on TikTok saying, Goop Kitchen is her favorite restaurant in Los Angeles, California, That I. That was just that. So finally, it was this Vanity Fair video that pushed me over the edge. And, you know, there's been other times in my life where Goop Kitchen has come in, and I've thought, oh, God, it's a sign right? Now. The first time I saw the TikTok of the girl going, this is my favorite instrument in la. Like, the first time I saw that was months ago. And the first sign that I got from, I don't know, let's just say Gwyneth Paltrow, the essence of her. Okay, I don't want you to think that, like, she reached out to you. She didn't, and after this, she won't. Not that she really was gonna, but here we go. So the first sign I got was I started to think about, all right, where is Goop Kitchen? In Los Angeles, California? Where is it? And upon my very first Google search, I found out that it's in the same building as Podcast one. So when I first started doing this podcast with Podcast one, I was going and guesting on a lot of different podcasts to, like, promote this one, and I was like, oh, my God, there's a Goop Kitchen here. Like, this is a sign. This is a sign for you to eat at that random woman's favorite restaurant in la. And if you've never had Goop Kitchen, like, we're on the same page at this point in history. We're just going like, oh, my God, Goop Kitchen. Like, oh, my God, I need it. And so I remember one time I, like, walked downstairs because, like, the podcast office, like, when you record at the studio, Podcast one, it's, like, on the second or third floor, and it's, like, on the ground level, there's, like, a little cafe area, and there are different, like, coffee shops, like, whatever. And there's this one place where it looked like a Goop Kitchen was there. And I was like, I'll just go in and order. And I walked in, kind of looked up and down and was like, there's nobody here. Okay? That's weird. There's, like, nobody in this space, but people are, like, picking up bags. Okay? This is when I found out that Goop Kitchen, the restaurant, is a ghost kitchen, okay? So it's important to note, as I mentioned before, Goop Kitchen is not a restaurant, as I found out, because, you know, we're going to back up a bit. I finally said, enough is enough. And recently maybe, I think this week, I said, okay, where are the Goop Kitchens on the east side of la? Because I live on the east side. And I looked And I live 10 minutes from a goop kitchen. Okay? 10 minutes. And I went, okay, this is it. The Vanity Fair video is going to get me to go to Goop Kitchen finally. And it did. So what do I do? I say, you know what? I'm going to order it online and I'll go pick it up. Little did I know that there was no other option, right? Because this is how I find out Goop Kitchen is a ghost kitchen. Now, what is a ghost kitchen? I don't know exactly. But if I had to kind of explain it to somebody who didn't know what it is, I know what it is. Can I explain it? Absolutely not. Basically, a ghost kitchen is where people go into, like, it's five to 10 to 15 different restaurants. I say in quotes in the back, right? Basically, they're like chopping celery. Celery, celery. Chopping carrot. Carrot. Carrot, carrot. Shredding all this. Shredding all that. And they're like, oh, Goop Kitchen needs carrots. Here's a little there. Goo. You know, this restaurant needs chicken. There's a little there. Oh, Goop Kitchen needs chicken. We throw some there. So a ghost kitchen is just like, it's all prepared in one shared kitchen space area, okay? Not a restaurant. Okay? A ghost kitchen is not a restaurant. So I decide that I'm gonna order because I don't know when this feeling will strike me again. And if everything is as good as I'm assuming it will be at Goop Kitchen, I'm gonna wanna try everything. So I make a big ol f fatty boy order. Okay? I get three salads. No, I get two salads in a bowl, okay? Because I'm going, we gotta go big or we gotta go home. And we're gonna go home, but we've gotta go home with our big Order. This order is roughly. Please sit down. $70, okay? I'm like, it's a splurge. These salads are amazing. Okay? These salads are amazing. Some reputable journalist from Vanity Fair's Instagram account was crying over this Chinese chicken salad, weeping. And so I said, I must be a part of this. I must be a part of the goop nation rising. And so I order those salads, I pick them up, and again, I'm walking in and it's like, you put your. I flashed my receipt up to a robot and a locker went click. It, like, opened up and I take out a bag and I'm going, okay, well, strike one on the girl. That's not how they give you food at a restaurant. Okay? So I'm already looking a bit sideways. I go home and my mouth is watering. Oh, God, my mouth is watering thinking about these salads. These two salads in one bowl. It's watering. Saliva is dripping. It's like, onto my Adam's apple, going down my shirt. It's just like I'm like a rabid dog looking at a food bowl, waiting for his owner to say, okay, that's how I feel right now. So I don't open the bag because I want to be surprised when I go home, right? Like, I want to be shocked. I want to go, oh, my God, this is the goop kitchen that I've been waiting for. I open the bag into my surprise. What's in it is what looks like you would order and receive at a hospital. It looks like something you would get on an airplane, okay? It's prepackaged. It's a pre packaged salad. That's all it fucking is, okay? It's a prepackaged salad. This is where I'm getting furious and I'm going, no, sorry. There's something going fucking on at Vanity fucking Fair. Fuck you, Vanity Fair. You gotta be fucking me right now. There is some grown woman and this is. No, because I'm sure if somebody put a camera on me in the Vanity Fair office and I started eating this Chinese chicken salad, I would cry, too, Okay? I just. I know it. I'm an emotional person. Sue me. But I'm looking at this thing and I'm going, this is a prepared salad. This is what you could get at a Kroger, okay? You could get this exact salad at a Kroger for$2.75, not $25. Gwyneth Paltrow is scamming you guys. She scammed me. She scammed. I didn't. I Didn't even get to the part of eating it yet. Gwyneth Paltrow is a money hungry capitalist woman because. And she's a damn good businesswoman. Gwyneth Paltrow is damn good at her job and I fucking love her, okay? I just want you to know that that's the side of history I'm on. I'm going, I'm here for the insanity. I'm here for the craziness. I'm here for the goop articles of someone saying, do wired bras lead to cancer? Which, God, it's just, it's insanity. I've seen her put sunscreen on and she puts like two dots like that's. It's insane. It's insane the way that she maneuvers through the world. And that insanity comes out in the way that, you know, I think people think Gwyneth Paltrow and they go, the salad must be amazing. It must be incredible. But I'm coming at it from the point of view where it's like, I've seen this salad before in a hospital. Like I've seen somebody receive this same salad, go, hey, how you doing today? And it's like they give it them a cup of jello and a pre packaged salad that looks just like this. And so I'm still, listen, I'm a glass half full guy. So I'm going to it, it just lick, hold out, hold out hope. Adam Rapon. Hold out hope again. A woman cried over this. And I'm going, this, you gotta give this a chance. And I'm gonna give it a chance. I open the salad. And if you've ever opened, if you've ever opened a prepackaged salad, you know that you have to pull the side like a grenade. So you hear that, okay? Locked and loaded. You pull that, the grenade. It's not what you would do at a restaurant. You, if you ordered food at Apple fucking Bees, they wouldn't give it to you in this container, okay? If you ordered food at Lawn John Silver, Long John would not give you the food in a container that's sealed shut to protect it from air, okay? I just want that to be known. So that's my first bone to pick. My second. Now I'm thinking like my favorite restaurant. Like, girl, if Goop Kitchen is your favorite restaurant, I'm going to need you to do the following things. I'm going to need you to sit down, you're going to need to take your shoes off, you're going to need to take your socks off. I need you to walk outside into the grass, stand in the grass with your bare feet, and ground. Okay? I need you to ground with the earth. Then I'm gonna need you to take your hands, put them near your feet and touch grass. Cause you've got to be kidding me. This is your favorite restaurant? God. Horrible. This is your favorite restaurant? You're opening that thing like a damn grenade mid war. Please. Okay? I haven't even gotten to like me eating it yet, okay? So I take it. The dressing. I take a. I take my. When I've never had a dressing before, and believe me, like, I love a dressing, I dip my little pinky in, I lick it, and I go, mmm, good. And the dressing's good. I'll give Gwyneth that. The dressing's good. I put the dressing in the salad. I'm gonna mix, mix, mix. Now, because it's prepackaged. Like, everything's, like, in the box, right? So as I'm taking things out, like the cup of dressing, there's, like, less and less salad here because it's as you would imagine, a fucking prepared salad. Okay? The dressing, the dressing is good. I put it in, I mix it up. I mix it, mix it, mix it. Now the. The. I want to paint the entire picture. The carrots are shredded, the kale is shred. Everything in here in this salad is shredded. It's chopped. The pieces are small. That's the key to an excellent salad, right? Small pieces give you more. There's more cracks and crevices for the dressing to get into, right? So a more finely chopped salad is just a better vessel to get dressing into your body, okay? That's why a finely chopped salad is the top tier of all salads. For the sake of getting more dressing in every bite. Okay? That's a good thing. So I put the dressing in, I mix it all up. Mix, mix, mix, mix, mix. There's about. If I had like a. Like a Oliver Twist. I have two hands together. Please, sir, may I have some more? Like, that's how much salad is in there. And then there's like a piece of chicken, okay? Slapped in there. I'm taking a bite. I'm going. It's good. All right. It tastes good. It does taste good. And I'm eating it. I'm eating it. My eyes are closed. I'm trying to imagine. It's like, I've tasted this before. I've tasted maybe not this, but something incredibly similar before. Eat, eat, eat. It hits me. I've gotten this salad at Trader Joe's at Trader Joe's. A prepackaged salad is 3.99. Okay? The only difference between my favorite prepackaged, again, you tear that, you tear off that, that, that plastic slider off the side. Because it's pre packaged. My favorite restaurant in la, girl, if you went to Red Robin, they would at least give you your food in a box. The food would be hot in a box, okay? If you went to anywhere, old country buffet, Prepackaged, it's pre packaged. So. And this is no hate to listen, I'm telling you that I love one of my favorite. Like I love, I look forward to it is like this one. It has, like the. It has the orange dressing. I don't like. This is how you know, I'm not like, high class because I'm like, what flavor was the dressing? Orange. But I'm not telling you it's like an. Like a citrus. I'm telling you like, it's the color orange and it's just so good. The only difference between that Trader Joe's salad and the goop kitchen Chinese chicken salad is that there are cranberries in the Trader Joe's one. And it comes with, like, nuts. Nuts, I don't know. It comes with like, some sort of nut thing, all right? Some salty crunch. That's the only difference. It's the same boiled chicken, okay? It's the same lab meat, because that is lab chicken. I don't care what Gwen is telling you. I'm telling you the truth. That is some. Like, that is not some curated organic chicken. That's from a lab. Bill Nye the Science guy is behind that one, okay? That's the same chicken from Trader Joe's. And that salad, I would even say is expensive. 399, 499. I don't know. I don't know how much it is. It's within that range. It's not 25 fucking dollars, okay? I then go, okay, it was good. I enjoyed it. I did like the salad. I liked it. But it's like everything about this is like the principle of it. So I take a bite of the next one. What is it? I don't. Who gives a fuck about what it is? It doesn't matter because the. The recipe for it is exactly the same. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Like everything is. Again, everything in this salad is just shredded to hell, which is a good thing. As I mentioned, that's how you get the best salad. It needs to be shredded to hell. Everything in it needs to be a sliver. The carrots need to Be shredded. The kale needs to be thin. It needs to look like. Like the grass that goes inside an Easter basket. It needs to look like confetti. That's how finely chopped a salad needs to be. That's every. The best salads I've ever had. It's basically salad confetti. It needs to be confetti sized because, as I mentioned before, it's the. It's the most surefire way to make sure that the dressing gets on every bite and you get the most amount of dressing. It's the easiest to mix. So. But. But again, like, the leaves and the. Whatever. You know, the kale, the carrot, the broccoli, okay? They're paying no attention to, like, is this the nicest carrot we can put in? When you're shredding something, you could put in the ugliest carrot and just, like, shreds right through it looks the same. It's a shredded carrot. So they're just throwing scraps in a plastic, prepackaged box, okay? It's so. It's infuriating. The thing is that if the dressing is good, right? If the dressing is good on a salad, the salad is good. So all you need is good dressing. Because I'm telling you, when. When the salad is all the shape of confetti, when everything is confetti, when the carrots are shredded, when the broccoli is shredded, to smither fucking Reens, okay? To smithereens. It needs to look like it exploded. It doesn't matter what the dressing is on top of. You'll eat it. If you put your own sneakers in a food processor, just shredded the hell out of your sneakers, and then you put a nice dollop of ranch on it, nine out of ten people would eat it without a problem, and the tenth person would go, mmm, just a little chewy. You would eat your own damn sneakers if they were just chopped and shredded finely. But the dressing was good. You wouldn't ask any goddamn questions. You would sit back and you'd be grateful, and you'd be thanking God that you could just find a way to get this dressing into your body. It doesn't matter what's in the salad, as long as the dressing is good and the dressing is good. But I'll tell you, she's also skimping on that. How much dressing are you getting in a goop salad? Well, let me tell you, if you've ever had a little Dixie cup and you kind of wadded up as much spit as you can get. Oh, I actually did spit I didn't mean to do that. If you got a little Dixie cup and you were wadding up as much spit and just kind of like dribbled it out and then you go, here you go. That's how much dressing you're getting. A little bit more than that. Throw a little water in it. It's criminal. I am the victim of a crime at this Goop Kitchen. Now, I saw a little bit more of the van because I'll tell you, with the Vanity Fair Instagram video, I watched it and I went like, I made it through the first half of it and was like, enough is enough. I need to go to Goop Kitchen. And I only saw a little clip of this, but like they had like a pepperoni pizza where the crust is gluten free, of course, and crust is gluten free. And the woman is saying, well, the lore of this pizza is that they tried 20 different nitrate free pepperonis before they found this specific one that's perfect for this pizza. Give me a break. Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow was sitting down at a tasting of 20 different brands and kinds of, of nitrate free pepperonis? Sit with it for a second. Do you think that Gwyneth Paltrow ate 20 different pepperonis? I don't think so. And I think if you really thought long and hard about it, you also wouldn't think so, because there's no way in hell that Gwyneth Paltrow is taking fork to knife to plate and going, well, that's not the right pepperoni. There's no chance that she's even had 20 slices of pepperoni in her life, let alone tasting 20 different nitrate free slices for her gluten free pepperoni pizza at Goop Kitchen. You've been duped. You've been absolutely fucking duplicated. Duped. If you eat at Goop Kitchen and one, it hasn't hit you like, wait, why am I spending $200 on prepared fucking frozen food? That's frozen fucking food. Prepared food. Go to Trader Joe's if the price hasn't made you want to rip your hair out of your head. Oh, God, it's making me furious to think about. It's making me want to flip a table to think that we were. We got got. I fell for it. I fucking fell for it. I took my last bite of that salad and I went, she got me. Gwyneth Paltrow fucking got me. Something happened to all of Us. And I never. It was never more clear to me thinking back on this Vanity Fair Instagram video where something got to us. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's, you know, the. I think I. I truly believe the pandemic did a number on us. Because if you're going around and you're going, Goop Kitchen is my favorite restaurant. I don't know what it. You have long Covid. I don't know. Like, I don't know what it is. There's some neurological damage to the girl who said, Goop Kitchen is my favorite restaurant in la. I have a few restaurants for you to try. Have you ever tried Chipotle? I'm being dead serious. Go to Chipotle. Go get the new cilantro lime sauce. It's an extra dollar. Send me your Venmo. I'll cover the dollar. I'll even get you the guac. I'm begging you. Try Chipotle. Try it. If Goop Kitchen is your favorite restaurant, okay? If it's your favorite restaurant, if you don't want to, try Chipotle. Have you ever been to Jersey Mike's? Okay, look up at that board. Choose one of the things, and before they start making that sandwich, you go up to the little deli counter and you look at your. At your server, your sandwich artist in the eye, and you go, I want it Mike's way. Okay? You ask for it Mike's way. All right, now that's a restaurant. Jersey Mike's. Now that's a restaurant. Nothing is there. Nothing is there. Nothing there is prepackaged. That's fresh. The meats are cut in front of you. Not always, but they could cut them if they wanted to. The bread is toasted in front of your eyes. They're not doing that at the Goop Kitchen. You know what they're doing at the Goop Kitchen? They're preparing those days in advance, throwing them in a refrigerator, and then some sorry son of a bitch is throwing them in a fucking bag in a locker for you to recover. And if not in a locker, they're putting it in some robot named Coco to go rolling down the street. Okay? That's your favorite restaurant. My favorite restaurant in la. Please try anything else. Kava. I love kava. I. You know what? I'll save this story for another episode. I also have a huge bone to pick with Kava. It's the most poorly organized place I've ever been in my life. Okay? It's. And there it's out of order. We can talk about that another time because we need to focus on Goop Kitchen. So that's what I've been up to this week. And you know, I didn't know that I could stretch. Kind of me going to Goop Kitchen and getting two salads and in reality going, yeah, they were okay, into a 30 minute story. But I did, and I meant every word that I said. I would say it under oath. That being said, if you have any intrusive thoughts of your own that you'd like to share with me and our listeners, please go ahead. You can call the Podcast hotline or text the podcast hotline at 310-909-7117. Again, that number is 310-909-9717. We're going to have to do another voicemails and text message episode soon. We have a lot of voicemails and text messages to go through, but I really needed to get that off of my chest today. Well, tonight and closing out the episode just a little after midnight. And it feels good. The whole house is asleep and I finally can rest easy. And with that, my name is Adam Rippon and these have been my intrusive thoughts. Good day and good night, everybody. I'll see you next week.