← The Psychology of your 20s
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- [00:00]
Jessica
At David's Bridal, love is in every stitch. From the initial sketch to the final details. Each style is designed with exquisite craftsmanship. Turn those prom dreams into reality with David's Bridal. Every prom dress features handcrafted details filled with love. Create the perfect prom look in person with the help of their expert stylists and feel David's Bridal's commitment to making everyone feel special, no matter their budget. Sign up for diamond loyalty to save 15% on your first purchase. Earn points towards special rewards and more@davidsbridal.com.
- [00:32]
Emily
Hello psychology of your 20s listeners. If you're like me, you love feeling confident and empowered in your own skin. Or maybe I should say your own hair. Madison Reed is the hair color company that's changing the game. Madison Reed believes that your hair color should reflect the real you. Bold, beautiful and unapologetically authentic. Whether you're touching up your roots, going for a really bold new look or enhancing your natural shade, Madison Reed Reed has got you covered with their salon quality, easy to use products. They offer a range of options to fit your needs, from vibrant permanent hair color to customizable demi permanent shades that add shine and dimension. Plus they've got everything from root touch up kits to gloss treatments and more. And here's the best part. Their formulas are made with ingredients you can feel good about free of harsh chemicals like ammonia and parabens, which I personally love. Plus, Madison Reed stands behind their products with a money back guarantee so you can try it out with complete confidence. So I've got to ask, what are we waiting for? Take the guesswork out of hair color and find the perfect shade today. Visit madison-reid.com psych20 that's madison-reid.com Psych20 Please welcome aboard the Johnson family.
- [01:55]
Jessica
The whole fam's here for the Disney cruise. So you know we came to play. And listen, the adults are gonna have a ball. First we're chilling in the infinity pool, onto massages at Sense's spa, then gliding into Star wars hyperspace lounge for a toast. We're even gonna kick back with Mickey on Disney's private island. That's how we get down cause Disney cruise line is where we came to play.
- [02:21]
Ryan
Are you still quoting 30 year old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically Earn cash back. Welcome to the now it pays to Discover. Learn more@discover.com credit card based on the February 2024 Nielsen report where'd you get those shoes?
- [02:52]
Emily
Easy. They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. Like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker, and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or dsw.com hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. Welcome to our 2025 Valentine's Day episode. Every single year, I like to cover like a specific topic around love and dating and relationships for this special time of the year. And if you're listening to this after Valentine's Day, you know what? Let's just pretend it's Valentine's Day. Show yourself some self love today. Show someone that you love some love today just for no reason. Every day can be Valentine's Day. I will stop with the cliches right now so we can get into the episode. But yes, thank you so much for all the love you guys have shown me over the past year. I feel like this is about to be a crazy year with my book coming out in April, obviously with Mantra also out in the world, my new podcast. So hopefully this episode teaches you how to love yourself a little bit more, but also how to have healthy relationships with others and, you know, recognize compatibility and recognize how important that is. That is my segue into what we are talking about today, which is, yes, compatibility. What makes people just click? What really underlies those relationships that just work and seem so easy and calm and safe? And how can we make sure that we know compatibility when we feel it, especially in kind of a modern world that's very, very much about instant gratification and about passion and chemistry. How do we find those that love that really lasts? I want to talk about five deep signs of emotional and psychological compatibility between two people that you may not be looking for in a relationship or even in a platonic relationship. What are the signs that it's meant to be or unfortunately not meant to be? The reason I wanted to do this episode and cover this topic is because I have in the past been someone who has confused chemistry and compatibility. Now, chemistry, to me is all about attraction and emotional intensity and excitement and magnetism that pulls you together. It's definitely more physical than emotional. And also it's quite fast. It's quite rapid compared to compatibility, which often simmers below the surface and takes a little bit longer to reveal itself. It's why you hear these stories of people who are friends for years, and then suddenly you're like, wait, are you the one? For me, I think the moment that we realize a deep compatibility with someone, it's very hard to ignore. I also believe that we can have both. You do need the passion and the fire, you know, you do need to. To really feel like you are obsessed with them and that you love them. But if weeks and months go by and down the road, you realize you can't communicate, you don't actually understand each other, it's not as effortless as you think. It can be a really rude awakening, and you can feel very blindsided by the realization. And what you realize you've missed all along is, is the compatibility. You've thought that that's what the chemistry was, and it's not. And I think in our 20s in particular, or at any rate age, really, you know, I'm going to take that back. At any age, you don't want to waste your precious time in a relationship or even a friendship for that matter, where no matter how hard you try, the thing that would make you to click is just not there. You know, take it from me, I have been there, done that, got the souvenirs, and although I wouldn't take those choices back, you know, it was very important for my growth as a person. I do wish that there were some things that I'd learned to recognize earlier so I didn't have to learn the lesson twice. Luckily for me, I'm now with an amazing person with whom I have both compatibility and chemistry with. And I've realized there are some essential things that do define a good relationship, specifically a relationship that is secure. So consider this your checklist. Whether you are dating someone new, you are unsure about the relationship you're currently in, or you just want some sense of your standards. I want to talk through all the psychology, the studies, the research on what makes two people compatible. Without further ado, let's get into it. Some people really don't agree with me when I say that two people who aren't compatible just simply cannot be together. Like, if it's not there, it's not there. But I really do fully believe that there has to be some fundamental emotional similarity between two people before they even consider dating. And it cannot just be a physical impulse or just a sense of attraction. Like, you know, if you're attracted to somebody, you can tell pretty quickly if it's mutual. But compatibility, to me, although it does take more time, time is so worth it. And it's this instinct that without even knowing that, you know, this person could learn everything about you. This person, in some ways, already does see you very, very deeply. You know, there is some part of you reflected in them. A way of seeing the world, a way of handling emotions, a respect, a likeness. Like it's a depth that you share. And I know that sounds very, very intangible. We're going to talk about exactly what that looks like. But I think when you don't have that, you will never feel fulfilled by the other person. Like, they just simply don't meet your emotional needs. And it's very, very hard to ignore. Now, I will say, and I say this, like, to my friends quite a lot, actually. It's not uncommon to occasionally have doubts about your relationship. I really want to impress that. Like, at some stage, I think everyone will say to themselves, is person right for me? And I actually think that's a really good sign. It's really important to reevaluate at certain points in your relationship that this is working, that you actually want to be there, that you're not just, like, passively engaging in the relationship because it's the path of least resistance, because, you know, you've just gotten used to them. I really think that you can still have arguments in healthy, compatible relationships. You can still feel misunderstood. You still will have to compromise or disagree. And it doesn't mean that they are not right for you. But that cannot be the core experience of being in a relationship with someone. It cannot be constant fights, constant misunderstandings, the same fights which, you know, give such a beautiful sense of relief when they're done that you confuse it with love. Like, it cannot be feeling cold in the relationship or a sense of relief when you're not together. I watched this really amazing interview on YouTube the other day of this woman. Her name is Spirit. I don't know, I think she just goes by Spirit. And she explains what it feels like to be in an emotionally incompatible friendship or relationship. And the way she describes it is the circle and the square. So I want you to imagine like a big square. You can even jot it down like a big square. And inside is a circle. And the circle touches each side of the square. It feels supported. You know, every side is touched. But there are these gaps where the circle cannot touch the corners of the square because it's obviously not a square. And those gaps between the circles, edges and the corners of the square, those are our unmet needs. The circle in the square can never feel completely supported while they are with each other, because there is all this space that is miscommunication, all this space in which doubt flows in like you want to be with someone who it feels like you really, really fit. And I will, like leave a link to this YouTube video because it's really, really. And I feel like it's a very visual way of seeing it. But I think the first time I watched it I was like, oh, that totally makes sense. Like all of these relationships from my past, I've just been trying to be the circle to the square or the triangle to the square. It doesn't work. So let's talk about the five signs. Now, I've rambled on long enough. Let's talk about what they are. I think the first sign that you are compatible with someone is that you feel emotionally safe. And there is this sense of coming home to them. Some part of you can finally rest. And I think this is a big distinction between chemistry and compatibility. The butterflies aren't as overwhelming. They're still there. But above all else, you are feeling like everything is quite still. You know, there's a famous quote that we think butterflies mean we're in love, but they really just mean anxiety. And I tend to agree. It's why I always ask myself the question, is this excitement or is this nausea? Because they do tend to feel eerily similar and sometimes you can't always tell the difference. Or when you meet the right person, you honestly might confuse it with boredom. And I think it's because your body is used to feeling very alert and hyper vigilant around people. And now with this person, you can finally rest. And I know this is very difficult for people who are naturally anxious to be able to discern. I think if you are someone who is quite socially anxious or just has generalized anxiety, like any first date, anytime, meeting a new person, it can naturally and it will instinctually spike your anxiety. So you might be going through life being like, oh my gosh, Gemma told me that it should feel peaceful, but I never feel peaceful anyways. So how am I meant to tell? Same with, like relationship trauma. You can find dating to just honestly always be a very scary or fearful experience. But I want you to just take note of the times and who you are with when your body feels at ease, whether it is that, like, even just for a couple of minutes, you exit a stressed state. And you know, sometimes that can mean that you have to be friends with people first. And that's how you overcome the dating dating trauma or a sense of anxiety around meeting new people. I think that's a really great way to meet someone who you genuinely are compatible with and that you like. I experienced this with my boyfriend and we weren't friends to begin with, but at the time I met him, our first date. After our first date, I left the date and I was like, to my friends, I felt like almost a little bit bored. Like, it. I felt bored almost. And they were like, weren't you on a date for like four, five hours? And you went to like three different locations. Like, you went out for dinner, you went out for a drink, you went out for frozen yogurt. Like, you obviously weren't bored if you were still there. And I was like, oh, yeah, you're probably right. And I obviously went on another date with him and it was like wonderful, but it felt giddy and fun rather than stressful and tense. I was not confused by what that feeling was. Something that also was very, very apparent with him was again, this sense of, have I known you for a long time? I feel like I've met you before. We even were trying to do this backtracking math where I was like, I just feel like this is not the first time we have met. And I know for a scientific psychology podcast that sounds very woo woo, but I don't know, that's just how it really felt. And this really brings me kind of somewhat to my next sign of deep emotional compatibility. And it's probably the most obvious one. It feels like talking takes no effort. We have all had that experience of talking to someone, like at a party or at an event. And it genuinely feels like you are pulling out your eyelashes. Like each sentence, each question is a stretch. It's a struggle, and it's the worst. It's awful. But then on the flip side, sometimes you meet these people who you like immediately like you are on the same frequency, like platonic or romantic. The banter is perfect. There is a lovely balance between serious, serious and emotional, but also jovial and light. And the conversation almost feels like you've entered a flow state. Like you just feel like you don't want to leave. The hours are passing by. You kind of forget to look up. You forget about what's around you. Like you never run out of things to say. This is like, I think one of the most magical parts about being human and about falling in love or like finding yourself in a new connection or friendship. Like it's so magical. It's just like, wow, you get me. I get you. We're both here on this planet and here we are talking and it just feels so natural. And even if you're quite introverted, I do still think that this can happen. Even if you're quite shy. I think it just feels like if you share similar values and similar interests, you don't feel judged talking to that person, you don't feel like talking to them. It's going to put you at risk. It doesn't feel like your personalities are creating friction, like they're very, very harmon. This really brings me to another point and it's a very crucial ingredient for compatibility. I don't think you can have a fulfilling relationship with someone whose communication style and personality constantly clashes with yours. For example, the one upper someone who always has to come up with a better story, a better example. That might be great for people who are competitive and want to be challenged, but for the average person, you know you're probably not going to get along with this person. Same with people who are quite self centered and arrogant. In a conversation, it's pretty hard to feel like you're flowing with someone who is talking about their wealth or their accomplishments all the time, or someone who is always looking over your shoulder for someone better to talk to or who gives one word answers. I think how someone presents in a conversation is how they enter a relationship. So if they are present, if they connect with you, if they're focused and generous, I think that's a really, really good sign. So this brings me to my third sign. You acknowledge each other's independence but still value the same things. The most compatible people I know are not identical. They are actually very different and they insist on being their own people. They like each other, they love each other. Because each person puts time and energy into themselves and so the individual things that they have fallen in love with, they don't disappear when they become one, I guess. Also, I think independence shows that both people respect the other person's personhood. That's just like critical, critical, critical, critical. Let's talk about what we need to have in common though, despite our individual brilliance. So a question I get all the time is, can I be in a relationship with someone who has opposing political differences? To me, I especially got this after the US election when people were like, hey, my boyfriend or husband voted for Trump or my girlfriend voted independent. Like can this still work? Let's talk about a 2023 study conducted in Italy that will answer that question for us. Not completely answer gives us a good insight. So the authors of this paper, they recruited 274 Italian adults to take part in a short online survey. In the survey, they wanted participants to rank which of 153 characteristics from morals to humor to intelligence, were the ones they'd most like to share or have in common with a romantic partner. The most important compatibility characteristic for these people was having and sharing similar viewpoints on important issues like sexism, abortion, human rights, the death penalty and gender roles. But you know, more general political beliefs in like specific economic policies. Like that wasn't really that important. Like basically people wanted to share morals with their partner. And of course who you vote for does indicate your moral values or your moral perspective. A more recent study from last year, 2024, so very timely, examined the impact political dissimilarity on romantic relationships. The researchers studied more than 500 couples and they looked at whether people voted the same and how their relationship was impacted if they didn't. And they found that not agreeing on politics created more friction and less satisfaction. Again, this seemed most powerful when the political differences were about issues that had moral implications. And they also found that in general, more and more people do consider political alignment when it comes to their dating choices. So it's not about politics. So this is what I really want to express. It's not about politics, it's about values, other values that are important to share. As found by that original Italian study. People want to raise their kids in a similar way. If they want kids, they want to have similarities in terms of lifestyle, religion. About 76% of people said that that was important. And also how they express and perce emotions, which we are going to discuss next. But I think that all feels very self explanatory, right? Like the things you would fight with about your family and that you would disagree with about your friend's lifestyle. You don't want that to be reflected in your partner. Like it's going to make it so difficult because you're around them all the time. Like that just makes for so much more tension, a lot more unhappiness. Now for those of you who would say, well, you can approach these things with respect and agree to disrespect degree, I also think that's completely true. I do think that that is possible and shows great maturity. But for things as deeply personal as your opinions on human rights and, you know, women's freedom, it's hard to not then have a sense of resentment over that, especially with the person that you love the most. You know, if you are a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't think that you should have access to reproductive rights and you do, like, that's just not going to work. Like, I genuinely just don't think that's going to work. If you're a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't believe you should have access to reproductive rights and you also agree and you also think, you know, you're pro life or whatever, like that might work because you don't feel disrespected by that opinion. Very complicated, very nuanced. Hopefully that makes sense. Okay, we're going to take a short little break to recover from that intensity and when we get back, we are going to talk through the final two signs of deep sleep, emotional compatibility, and how to be honest with yourself around whether this person is really the one. Stay with us. Hello, psychology of your 20s listeners. If you're like me, you love feeling confident and empowered in your own skin. Or maybe I should say your own hair. Madison Reed is the hair color company that's changing the game. Madison Reed believes that your hair color should reflect the real you. Bold, bold, beautiful and unapologetically authentic. Whether you're touching up your roots, going for a really bold new look or enhancing your natural shade, Madison Reed has got you covered with their salon quality, easy to use products. They offer a range of options to fit your needs, from vibrant permanent hair color to customizable demi permanent shades that add shine and dimension. Plus, they've got everything from root touch up kits to gloss treatments and more. And here's the best part. Their formulas are made with ingredients you can feel good about out free of harsh chemicals like ammonia and parabens, which I personally love. Plus, Madison Reed stands behind their products with a money back guarantee so you can try it out with complete confidence. So I've got to ask, what are we waiting for? Take the guesswork out of hair color and find the perfect shade today. Visit madison-reid.com psych20 that's madison-re.com psych20 David's.
- [24:33]
Jessica
Bridal knows how important it is to find the perfect prom dress, no matter the occasion. Whether you're looking for something classic, modern or totally unique this prom season, they have you covered with a full range of prom accessories. Dresses and outfits. Everyone will look their best selves this prom season at David's Bridal. Love is in every stitch. From the initial sketch to the final details. Each style is designed with with exquisite craftsmanship. Turn those prom dreams into reality with David's Bridal. Every prom dress features handcrafted details filled with love. With a wide range of beautiful dresses at affordable prices. You don't have to break the bank to find your perfect prom look. Come see the magic in person and create your perfect prom with your dream dress. With the help of their expert stylists. And feel David's Bridal's commitment to making every prom special, no matter their budget or style. Book an appointment and sign up for diamond loyalty. To save 15% on your first purchase. Earn points towards special rewards and more@davidsbridal.com okay, ladies. When I said we came to play, didn't I mean it? This Disney cruise got me feeling like a queen. We can get massages at Sense of Spa. Have a meet and greet with Black Panther. Oh, I love him. And I can't wait to sunbathe on the private island. And the kids will be fine.
- [25:51]
Emily
Girl, they're good.
- [25:53]
Jessica
Exactly. While they hang in the kids club with with Mickey Mouse, we can do our thing and do it well all day. Disney Cruise line is where we came to play.
- [26:05]
Carl
People thought it was impossible to build a firm lifted booty and flatten and shrink your abs at the same time. But we've cracked the code. I'm Carl, the CEO of Bodi. That's body with an I. And if you want to lose weight while you firm and tighten even that lower pooch, you need the 80 day obsession fitness and eating program. It's 80 workouts. You'll make progress day by day. Crazy booty gains flat tight abs. We tested it and now it's your turn. There's no subscription needed. You can get this in home program for less than a dollar a workout and own permanent digital access. And if you buy 80 the Obsession this week, you'll get a second program of your choice free. And if you don't see results in your butt and abs in the first 30 days, you get your money back, no questions asked. So get 80 Day Obsession this week and get a second program of your choice free.
- [26:56]
Emily
Free.
- [26:57]
Carl
Go to 80Day Obsession.com. that's 80 Day Obsession.com. that's 80 Day Obsession. Com.
- [27:05]
Ryan
Are you still quoting 30 year old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Back. Welcome to the now it pays to Discover. Learn more@discover.com credit card based on the February 2024 Nielsen report we talked briefly.
- [27:35]
Emily
About conversational communication earlier, but let's also turn to emotional communication because whoa. Like they are very, very different. You can be completely in tune with someone when it comes to the fun, light hearted stuff and the hobbies and the interests and then discover like we about our emotions or approach them in the same way. So the fourth sign that you are deeply compatible is that you express and process emotions in a way that complements each other. Now note how I don't say in the same way because I don't think that's really necessary, but you should have some similarities in the, you know, in this essential part of your relationship, you should be able to see where the other person is coming from. There are largely four different communication styles that influence emotional communication. And this is really based on some original research from a psychologist called William Moulton. So he began researching this back in the 1920s, so almost 100 years ago. And it's obviously changed a bit from his first conceptualization. But there is still genuinely there still seems to be four categories of emotional communicators in society. These are passive, assertive, passive aggressive and aggressive. Some people also include manipulative here as well, but I think that's just passive aggressive. So I think it all kind of falls into four categories. Let's quickly talk about each one. I'm going to start with assertive because it's most commonly considered the best style. The assertive communicator is what we all should aspire to be. They have high self esteem. They are able to find a really important middle ground between being aggressive and submissive. They clearly communicate their needs without trying to hurt others and they're accountable. Like when they talk about their emotions with you, they aren't dismissive and it comes from a place of building trust. A to the assertive communicator like we really are aiming for that that then we have the passive emotional communicator. These communicators are the people pleasers and generally they prefer to go along with others suggestions. They may find that they typically don't express their feelings or needs. They ignore their own personal rights and allow others to also ignore what they would like. What that looks like is referring to others decisions to make sure. That there's no tension or conflict, you know, not saying anything in the moment, which can lead to a lot of built up anger or resentment. But I don't think we can blame them. Like, I think sometimes being a passive communicator is really the only option that some people have in the face of violence or in the face of emotional abuse. I heard from a psychiatrist actually who said the majority of his patients or clients who are passive communicators are those who have experienced trauma in childhood, bullying, neglect, abuse, or prior trauma or dismissiveness in adult romantic relationships. And so they have adopted this style to make themselves as small and as inoffensive as possible. Next up, we have passive aggressive. We have all encountered this. The individual who, you know, appears not to care, but under the surface is really acting out of anger, either through sarcasm or giving you the cold shoulder, or being very indirect and then kind of blaming you for misinterpreting their feelings. They're very prickly. And some would say they have limited consideration for others feelings. I actually say that it's a protective mechanism. It's like they're kind of coming out of their shell and they want you to know what they're feeling, but they don't know how to say it properly and say it with their chest. Finally, we have all out aggressive. The person who says what they want and what they need and they don't care if it makes you angry. And they are very forceful. There is no room for compromise with these people. They often lash out directly and they intend to hurt you. Like there is anger and there is dominance. And that's not to be confused with the self respect of the assertive communicator. I don't think many people benefit from being with an aggressive communicator unless you are also aggressive and you can kind of give it back. Like you can show them the love, the tough love that they are showing you. And I guess at that point they've kind of met their match. But if you're a passive communicator with an aggressive communicator, there is so much that will forever be left unresolved because your way of approaching your emotions is entirely opposite. You either need to be with another passive communicator so you can kind of see each other's perspective and understand that this is a protective mechanism. Or an assertive communicator who can be like, no, please tell me, I want to know. I want to get through this together. Same with the passive aggressive communicator. They need an assertive communicator to cut through some of the defenses and say, okay, we're going to work this out like adults, like, we're going to be big kids about this. And I really want to do a whole episode on how to become a healthy assertive communicator because you can shift how you interpret and express your emotions. It's a bit too much for this episode. But, you know, beyond communication, I do think you need a similar style of emotional processing. And this is kind of reflected in that emotional communication style. But it also comes down to, are you reactive or do you, like, are you reactive or are you someone who contemplates what you're going to do next? Do you need to talk through your emotions or feel them physically? Do you need space from your emotions or do you want to manage them straight away? I think if you feel your emotions in a way that complements each other, this is a really beautiful sign of compatibility. You know, one person may go silent, the other person gives reassurance, and you swap. Someone who wants to respond immediately is with someone who is okay with taking time. And you learn how to operate with those different styles together. I think you really don't realize how much this makes or breaks a relationship until you start to get more serious with someone. Especially, you know, we know that our partner's emotions impact our own, particularly, particularly their unmanaged ones. So you want compatibility, you know, you want balance and attunement when you work through vulnerable things. We're going to talk about the final sign of deep emotional compatibility between two people. And it is so simple. It's laughter. You know, the saying goes, couples who laugh together stay together, and the science and the psychology seemingly confirms it. It's a surprising sign of deep connection. But when you share the same sense of humor, I think it kind of gets you through a lot of things. Looks will fade, you will encounter challenges, you will move, you will change as people. But if you can keep being silly and keep that light, childlike wonder in your relationship, it seems that, like, your success is somewhat insured. Really fascinating study on this from 2024. It asked participants in a couple to keep a diary, and in it, they wanted them to report on how satisfied they felt with their relationship, how committed, and how much they were laughing each day. They found that the days when each couple reported more humor were the days when they also were a lot happier and they felt more stable in their relationship. And these results really support findings from decades ago. Like this has been known for a long time that when we laugh more in a relationship, that bond feels stronger for both parties. Laughter is also a natural mood booster. It relieves stress. It gives us a more optimistic view on life. Which is why I think so many of us use humor to get through tragedy and hard times. And if it's your partner who's making you laugh, well, that's even better. So those are our five biggest signs of emotional compatibility. Let's quickly do a little summary because this episode is almost half an hour long. The five signs are it feels like you're coming home to them. There's a sense of emotional safety. The conversation is effortless. You are independent, but you share values. Your emotional processing styles complement each other. And last but certainly not least, they make you laugh. Knowing this is one thing, but how can we use it to almost stress test our relationship? How do we use it as a litmus test when. When Perhaps we are a bit blinded by early feelings of passion and attraction. So I want to give you a little bit of a checklist here. These are questions that I would be asking myself if I was dating again. When I see them, do I feel anxious or at ease? Do our interactions, either in person or online or over text, leave me feeling uneasy or confused? Do I find myself having to think about things to discuss with them? Am I hyper aware of silences when we're together? Are there conversations that I'm avoiding because I know that we'll disagree? Do I feel like my entire life is now focused on this person? Or are there still things that I love to do separately? Do they help me with my emotions or make them worse? Would I bring up an issue with them and know that it's something we can work through? And finally, when was the last time they made me full on laugh out loud, roll on the floor laughter. However you answered, you know this isn't graded based on a yes or no answer. You know there really isn't any right or wrong answer, although there's one that's definitely preferable. I just think that these questions reveal some additional things for you to consider, especially when you're in the early days. And you can look past these things if you want. You can decide that it's not a deal breaker to be uncomfortable when you're silent around them. You can decide that it's not a deal breaker, that sometimes you feel a bit emotional, or that it's not a deal breaker that you can't bring up an issue with them. But I would ask why you think that is the case and is it just because you are compromising on what you really want and what's going to make relationship last in the long term, for the short term, spark and the short term assurance that this person really, really likes you. Now, there is not a single relationship out there that has not experienced doubts, that has not come across some very existential question of should we be together? But I think at the core, when I look at the relationships of, you know, my grandparents who have been together for however many years, and my parents and friends. Parents and people you see as relationship examples in the media I really like would say a lot of what I know comes down to these very important pillars of compatibility. So if you are with someone or you are dating right now and you are not sure and you're a bit like, ooh, they kind of don't meet all these criteria, please wait, please hold out for the other person. I know that especially in our 20s, dating can just feel so exhausting because there is this real stupid sense that like you need to have someone by 30 and that you need to be in love. And so I do understand the social pressure 100%. Absolutely. But I think it's better to be single for a few more years than to wake up at 32 and be like, oh, wow, this person really wasn't right for me and now I have to start over again. You don't know who is waiting for you to make the right choice in this relationship or this situation and leave this relationship so that you can find them. So please go searching for compatibility over chemistry. I hope that this episode really, really helped you. I hope that you can learn from some of my own experiences, but also some of the research. Let me know if it resonated with you. And if you've made it this far, please leave a little four leaf clover emoji in the comments and tell me what you thought or whether you think there are other signs of compatibility that I didn't cover and share them with everyone else. Because I think that's also a really important part of this community is that we expand on these ideas and I appreciate you listening to this episode if you have an episode idea that we haven't covered yet. I currently looking for some new topics for this next season of the show so you can DM me on Instagram at that psychology podcast if you don't already follow us over there. Make sure that you have left a five star review of this episode and that hopefully you are following along so you know when new episodes come out. And until next time, please stay safe, stay kind. Be gentle to yourself and we will talk very, very soon.
- [40:58]
Jessica
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Emily
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Ryan
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