The Psychology of Your 20s: Episode 294 – The Psychology of the Talking Stage

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Release Date: May 9, 2025
Podcast: The Psychology of Your 20s
Platform: iHeartPodcasts

Introduction

In Episode 294 of The Psychology of Your 20s, host Jemma Sbeg delves deep into the enigmatic and often frustrating phase of modern dating known as the "talking stage." This episode unpacks the psychological underpinnings, societal influences, and personal experiences that make the talking stage both compelling and exhausting for individuals navigating their twenties.

Defining the Talking Stage

Timestamp: [02:33 - 04:00]

Jemma begins by defining the talking stage as a liminal period before officially dating. It's characterized by daily messaging, flirting, and sharing personal details without committing to in-person dates or establishing clear relationship intentions. This stage often leaves individuals uncertain about the trajectory of their budding relationships.

The Modern Dating Script and Emergence of the Talking Stage

Timestamp: [04:00 - 08:30]

The talking stage is framed within the context of the "modern dating script," a contemporary narrative influenced by societal norms, media, and the advent of digital communication. Unlike traditional dating where intentions and commitments were clearer, today's dating landscape incorporates the talking stage as a prolonged period of assessment and compatibility testing.

Jemma references a 2024 study highlighting that the talking stage is a relatively new construct, emerging prominently around 2010. This shift is largely attributed to dating apps, which have expanded the pool of potential partners and fostered a culture of keeping options open. The phenomenon aligns with the paradox of choice, where an abundance of options leads to hesitancy in commitment, often causing individuals to perpetuate the talking stage in search of the "perfect match."

Psychological Intensity of the Talking Stage

Timestamp: [15:00 - 20:00]

The episode explores why the talking stage is psychologically taxing. The inherent uncertainty requires constant self-monitoring: questioning how much to share, when to respond, and gauging the other person's interest. This ambiguity fuels emotional investment without the stability of a committed relationship, often leading to mind games and behaviors intended as self-protection.

Jemma emphasizes the destructive nature of these games, noting that they stem not from a desire to advance the relationship but from a fear of being hurt. She underscores the importance of authenticity, stating:

"You can never say the wrong thing to the right person. Please resist the urge to play games."
— Jemma Sbeg, [17:45]

Traits of Individuals Prolonging the Talking Stage

Timestamp: [20:00 - 30:00]

Delving into personality traits, Jemma identifies three key profiles of individuals who tend to extend the talking stage:

1. Low Commitment Readiness:
   These individuals are not prepared to enter a committed relationship. They may seek the excitement of the chase or the emotional dopamine from constant communication without the intention to solidify the relationship.

2. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Styles:
   Individuals with these attachment styles often fear closeness and emotional vulnerability. They maintain emotional distance to protect themselves from potential pain, resulting in prolonged talking stages without deeper commitment.

3. Novelty Seekers:
   Driven by a desire for new and exciting connections, novelty seekers thrive on the uncertainty and exploration that the talking stage offers. The unpredictability and emotional highs keep them engaged, but once the relationship progresses, their interest wanes.

Jemma advises listeners to recognize these traits as potential red flags, helping them make informed decisions about pursuing or disengaging from a talking stage.

Managing Attachment During the Talking Stage

Timestamp: [30:00 - 40:00]

Jemma addresses the challenge of emotional attachment during the talking stage. She outlines strategies to prevent premature attachment:

• One-Month Rule: Limit the talking stage to one month, beyond which a decision to date in person or move on should be made.

• Three-Day or Three-Encounter Rule: Engage with a person in at least three different contexts (e.g., sober settings, social gatherings, stressful situations) to gain a comprehensive understanding of their compatibility.

• Focus on Personal Growth: Maintain a vibrant and fulfilling life outside of dating to reduce the allure of constant communication and to uphold personal standards.

• Cognitive Strategies: Manage the default mode network by consciously shifting focus from idealized fantasies to concrete evidence of compatibility.

Jemma emphasizes the importance of authenticity and setting boundaries to ensure that the talking stage remains a healthy phase of relationship development rather than a source of emotional turmoil.

Green Flags in the Talking Stage

Timestamp: [43:21 - 50:00]

To help listeners identify promising interactions, Jemma outlines several green flags during the talking stage:

• Timely Responses:
  Someone who replies within a reasonable time frame (ideally under 12 hours) shows consistent interest and respect for your time.

• Progressive Interaction:
  Moves the conversation towards making concrete plans, signaling a desire to transition into a committed relationship.

• Balanced Sharing:
  Does not overshare personal details prematurely, preserving vulnerability for in-person interactions.

• Respectful Communication:
  Avoids making unsolicited comments about your body or sexual topics, indicating a focus on building a meaningful connection.

Addressing Listener Questions

Timestamp: [50:00 - 53:45]

Jemma engages with listener inquiries, addressing topics such as:

• Differences in the Talking Stage for Lesbians:
  She explores whether the talking stage differs across sexual orientations, referencing studies that debunk stereotypes like lesbians committing faster than heterosexual pairs. Ultimately, she concludes that the talking stage dynamics are largely similar across different groups, though individual differences may vary.

• Staying Interested on Dating Apps:
  Strategies include taking breaks (dating detox), being intentional with swipes and messages, and leveraging social networks for potential matches instead of relying solely on app interactions.

• The Taxi Cab Theory:
  Discussed as an oversimplified concept suggesting that individuals enter relationships as soon as they feel "ready," Jemma critiques its validity, emphasizing that relationship readiness is more nuanced and not confined to gender-specific behaviors.

Finding Closure When the Talking Stage Ends

Timestamp: [40:14 - 53:45]

When the talking stage doesn't progress, Jemma offers guidance on achieving closure:

• Direct Communication:
  Clearly express your desire to move forward or disengage, reducing ambiguity and fostering mutual understanding.

• Mental Roadblocks:
  Implement strategies like muting or moving conversations to unseen folders to minimize temptation and facilitate moving on.

• Personal Reflection:
  Use the experience to reassess personal relationship goals and reaffirm what you seek in a partner.

• Emotional Processing:
  Acknowledge the disenfranchised grief that comes with the loss of potential opportunities, validating feelings even if society doesn't recognize them.

• Redirecting Focus:
  Engage in activities that enrich your life independently of dating, such as volunteering, pursuing hobbies, or spending time with friends, to cultivate a fulfilling personal life.

Jemma reassures listeners that each ending is a lesson and that maintaining authenticity and high standards paves the way for healthier future relationships.

Conclusion

Jemma wraps up the episode by reinforcing the importance of authenticity and setting clear boundaries within the talking stage. She encourages listeners to prioritize their well-being, remain patient, and trust in the process of finding meaningful connections. The episode serves as both a roadmap and a support system for those navigating the complex emotional landscape of modern dating in their twenties.

Notable Quotes:

"You can never say the wrong thing to the right person. Please resist the urge to play games."
— Jemma Sbeg [17:45]

"The talking stage should only be about information gathering and honesty, nothing more."
— Jemma Sbeg [25:31]

"Showing up authentically and perhaps missing out, but knowing you missed out for the right reasons is better than dating someone and realizing that they have fallen for someone who is not you."
— Jemma Sbeg [50:30]

Final Thoughts:

Episode 294 offers a comprehensive exploration of the talking stage through the lens of psychology, equipping listeners with the knowledge and tools to navigate their relationships more effectively. By understanding the underlying motivations and behaviors, individuals can foster healthier connections and avoid the pitfalls of prolonged uncertainty.

For more insights and episodes, follow Jemma Sbeg on Instagram at @thepsychologypodcast and stay connected with the community navigating the intricate journey of their twenties.