Episode 304: Why We Grieve Past Versions of Ourselves

Host: Gemma Sbeg
Release Date: June 12, 2025
Podcast: The Psychology of Your 20s
Description: In this episode, Gemma Sbeg delves into the intricate emotions surrounding the grief we feel for our past selves during our 20s. She explores the psychological underpinnings of this phenomenon, its impact on personal growth, and practical strategies to navigate these feelings.

Introduction to the Topic

Gemma begins the episode by addressing a prevalent yet often overlooked aspect of personal development: grieving past versions of oneself. She posits that our 20s are a tumultuous decade marked by significant transitions, making the process of mourning who we once were both common and complex.

“Our 20s are the decade in which we are comparing ourselves to others... but what if the other person is actually someone that you once were?”
(02:15)

Understanding Grief for Past Selves

Gemma distinguishes grieving a past self from traditional grief associated with physical death. She introduces the concept of disenfranchised grief, where the loss isn't publicly acknowledged or socially sanctioned, making the mourning process more isolating and misunderstood.

“This brings us to a really crucial concept. It's called disenfranchised grief... it makes the grief feel less valid.”
(05:30)

She elaborates that while the past identity hasn't physically died, the specific circumstances and roles once played are no longer accessible, leading to a sense of loss without clear closure.

Nostalgia and Its Complex Role

Delving deeper, Gemma explores nostalgia, describing it as a double-edged sword that provides comfort yet can trap individuals in idealized memories of the past.

“Nostalgia is the most complex emotion that we experience as humans, because it is equally powerful and beautiful as it is despairing and uncomfortable.”
(12:45)

She references a 2020 study highlighting how excessive nostalgia can lead to increased feelings of loneliness and disconnection, emphasizing the importance of balancing fond memories with present realities.

Impact of Social Media

Gemma discusses the amplified effect of social media on grieving past selves. Digital footprints—such as old photos and posts—serve as constant reminders, making it challenging to move forward.

“Every single version of who you are now is probably immortalized online... it creates a perpetual comparison point.”
(18:20)

She warns against the "highlight reel effect," where curated online personas exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and longing for an idealized past.

Identity Shifts in the 20s

Highlighting the frequent identity shifts during the 20s, Gemma explains how leaving formal education, starting careers, and changing relationships contribute to the instability and subsequent grief for former selves.

“There are more revisions and versions of ourselves to grieve than in any other time of our life.”
(25:10)

She shares personal anecdotes, including a heartfelt story about revisiting her old college dorm, which underscored the realization that past hardships were integral to her current strength.

Practical Strategies to Cope

Gemma offers actionable advice to manage and overcome grief for past selves:

1. Acknowledge and Validate the Grief
   Recognizing that these feelings are legitimate is the first step.

   “These feelings are not silly or irrational. If you feel a pang of sadness... acknowledge it.”
   (35:00)

2. Journaling and Reflection
   Writing down thoughts can help externalize and process emotions.

   “One of the journal prompts that I find incredibly powerful is to write about what I loved about them, what I missed about them...”
   (38:45)

3. Self-Compassion
   Treating oneself with the same kindness extended to friends in similar situations fosters healing.

   “Think about how you treat a friend who was going through a really tough transition...”
   (41:30)

4. Engaging in New Projects
   Redirecting energy into future-oriented projects helps break the cycle of rumination.

   “Find a project of some kind... something that is future-oriented that can get you out of ruminating on the past.”
   (45:20)

5. Symbolic Rituals
   Creating personal rituals to mark the transition can provide closure.

   “Find memorabilia and photos from a past version of you... and do something like that that symbolically cuts a tie.”
   (49:00)

Listener Questions and Discussions

Gemma addresses several listener-submitted questions, providing nuanced insights:

1. Recognizing When to Move On
   Signs include inner restlessness, disconnection from old routines, and recognizing that maintaining past identities requires more effort than embracing new ones.

   “If it feels like it's taking more effort for you to keep returning to this old life, than it would to accept the future.”
   (55:10)

2. Forgiving Past Mistakes
   Emphasizes the universality of regrets and the importance of self-forgiveness as a path to growth.

   “You have to have some grace, have some kindness towards your past self.”
   (58:30)

3. Living with Family Who See You as Your Past Self
   Advocates for authenticity and allowing others to adjust naturally without forced explanations.

   “Spend less time trying to convince them because... you are vibrant in who you are now.”
   (60:45)

4. Regretting Abandoned Careers
   Encourages perseverance and viewing setbacks as integral to one's origin story.

   “It is never too late. You have all the time in the world to go back and try again.”
   (63:00)

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Gemma concludes by reinforcing that grieving past selves is a natural part of personal evolution. She urges listeners to embrace the discomfort as a sign of growth and to celebrate the continuous journey of becoming.

“The grief you might feel for your past self isn't a sign that something is wrong with you... It's actually a very profound indicator that you are growing.”
(68:10)

She encourages maintaining a balance between honoring past experiences and focusing on future aspirations, ensuring that grief serves as a bridge rather than a barrier to personal development.

Key Takeaways

• Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning aspects of oneself that society doesn't recognize.
• Nostalgia's Dual Nature: Provides comfort but can trap individuals in idealized memories.
• Social Media's Impact: Constant reminders of past selves complicate the grieving process.
• Identity Shifts: Frequent changes during the 20s lead to multiple versions of self to grieve.
• Coping Strategies: Acknowledge grief, practice self-compassion, engage in new projects, and create symbolic rituals.

Notable Quotes

• “Nostalgia is the most complex emotion that we experience as humans, because it is equally powerful and beautiful as it is despairing and uncomfortable.”
  (12:45)

• “If you didn't Grow, I wouldn't get to experience the world.”
  (55:20)

• “Every day you wake up is another little life is another. Another birth.”
  (62:30)

Final Encouragement

Gemma leaves listeners with a powerful message to embrace their evolving selves, understanding that each version—past, present, and future—is integral to their personal narrative.

“Embrace the pain. Embrace how messy it is. And remember that every version of you that fades does make space for a stronger, wiser, more real version of you.”
(69:50)

Connect with Gemma:

• Instagram: @thepsychologyofyour20s
• Shop Merchandise: The Psychology of Your 20s Store
• Other Podcast: Mantra

Note: Advertisements and non-content segments have been omitted to focus solely on the episode's primary discussions and insights.