The Psychology of Your 20s (Episode 332)

"The Triangular Theory of Love"

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: September 14, 2025
Duration: ~15 minutes (content)

Overview

In this shorter, "Psychology Bites" bonus episode, host Jemma Sbeg explores Robert Sternberg's influential Triangular Theory of Love. Sbeg breaks down the three core components at the heart of Sternberg’s model—intimacy, passion, and commitment—explaining how their combinations form different kinds of love. The episode also covers the theory’s strengths, its real-life applications (especially in your 20s), its limitations, and how newer models like the Quadruple Theory of Love add nuance to our understanding of relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to Psychology Bites & Episode Theme

[02:47]

• Sbeg introduces "Psychology Bites" as a new series for shorter, focused coverage of psychological principles.
• The inaugural theme: Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love—exploring the psychology of love in all its forms.

Quote:
"For our inaugural Psychology Bites bonus episode, I wanted to talk about one of my favorite favorite theories... we are talking about the triangular theory of love."
— Jemma Sbeg [03:38]

2. Background and Competing Theories

[03:57 - 05:55]

• Sternberg’s theory aims to explain how love forms, lasts, and changes.
• It applies not just to romance, but to platonic and familial relationships too.
• Brief mention of related concepts:
  • Attachment Theory: How childhood experiences affect love
  • Reward Theory of Attraction: We're drawn to those who fulfill our needs or desires
  • Lee's Color Wheel Theory of Love: Different “flavors” and categories of love (e.g., pragma, ludos)

3. The Triangular Theory of Love: Core Components

[06:39 - 09:50]
Identifies and explains Sternberg’s "three ingredients" for love:

• Intimacy: Emotional closeness, familiarity, shared values (the "shared hobbies cake")
• Passion: Deep desire, attraction, physical longing (“swept off our feet")
• Commitment: Staying power, loyalty, shared goals, trust

Memorable Metaphor:
"I like to explain this theory as a theory that likes us to think of love like a recipe for a cake. Depending on how much of each of these ingredients you put into the cake, you're going to get a different flavor..."
— Jemma Sbeg [07:34]

4. Types of Love: Combining the Ingredients

[07:56 - 11:50]

Describes how different combos of intimacy, passion, and commitment create distinct relationship types:

• Infatuation: Passion only (one-sided, fleeting attraction)
• Empty Love: Commitment only (staying together after romance fades, e.g., for the kids)
• Friendship: Intimacy only (closeness, but no romance or lasting commitment)

Combinations:

• Romantic Love: Intimacy + Passion (the dating/early-stage relationship)
• Companionate Love: Intimacy + Commitment (e.g., lifelong friendships, elder couples without sexual attraction)
• Fatuous Love: Passion + Commitment (whirlwind courtships, rare due to lack of true intimacy)
• Consummate Love: All three components—the “ideal” or “complete” love

On Consummate Love:
"Having it for a certain period doesn't mean you're entitled to it forever... maintaining consummate love may be harder than just achieving it."
— Jemma Sbeg [11:35]

• Even with all three components, relationships require ongoing action—love is a verb, not just a passive state.

5. Real-World Application: Stages and Types of Relationships

[16:09 - 18:55]

• Sternberg’s model matches many real-world relationship phases; relationships move through stages (passion, then intimacy, then commitment).
• The Triangle helps analyze different situations—situationships, affairs, friends, “just for the kids” marriages, brief encounters.
• Supported by a 2020 multi-country study: The triangle holds up across many cultures and types of relationships.

Quote:
"This is a great way of kind of analyzing our relationship and saying, okay, but do we have intimacy? Do we have passion? Do we have commitment?... The thing is, you probably do have some kind of love, but is it the kind of love that you expect and that you want?"
— Jemma Sbeg [18:25]

6. Critiques & Limitations of the Theory

[18:56 - 22:32]

• Missing context: Ignores cultural, religious, practical, or circumstantial factors that shape relationships.
• Not polyamory-friendly: Doesn’t account for multiple overlapping consummate loves.
• Asymmetry not addressed: Doesn’t answer if both partners must have identical feelings (one could have consummate love, the other only passion).
• Emotional complexity: Real relationships are more multidimensional than the 2D triangle suggests.
• Everyday doubts: The model doesn’t clarify where anxieties, doubts, or practical impossibilities fit.

Quote:
"What kind of love is occurring then? Do both people have to be experiencing the same combination for the love to be that thing? Or could you have consummate love on one end, fatuous love on the other, and does that still count as a kind of love?"
— Jemma Sbeg [21:45]

7. The Quadruple Theory of Love: An Update

[22:33 - 24:13]

• A newer model (2020): Love is built on four factors—attraction, connection/resonance, trust, and respect.
• Quadruple theory aims to address some original theory gaps; it recognizes more diverse relationship types and emphasizes resonance and trust over mere commitment.

Quote:
"This model, I think, describes how love develops over time much better. It also allows for more types of love to be analyzed, since it has that fourth factor."
— Jemma Sbeg [23:08]

• The host suggests blending both theories may offer a fuller picture, but also asks if love can truly ever be “fully explained” by theories and models.

8. Reflections and Takeaways

[24:14 - 26:30]

• Theories can only ever be simplifications of the nuanced reality of love.
• Sbeg finds the triangle useful for “giving words to a feeling,” and for evaluating relationships' strengths and weaknesses, especially in our 20s when so many relationships feel uncertain or “half-baked.”
• Invites listeners to reflect: Should love be studied and modeled, or is it ultimately “just to be experienced”?
• Teases future Psychology Bites topics (personality tests, narcissism, sociopathy) and invites listener feedback.

Quote:
"I also know that when I was in my previous relationships, this model did help me understand what was missing. So it does really help in those ways, and it does give words to a feeling."
— Jemma Sbeg [25:15]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Love is a verb. This is something that we act on... You have to work for it." [11:38]
• "This theory is very one dimensional, right? It is literally a 2D triangle... But the feelings we feel towards someone at any given moment are multidirectional and they are 4D, 5D, 6D and they are complex." [21:22]
• "Are researchers and psychologists just trying too hard to categorize something that can't be categorized?" [24:20]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Purpose – [02:47]
• Theory Overview & Competing Models – [03:57 – 06:39]
• Core Ingredients Explained – [06:39 – 07:56]
• Types of Love by Combination – [07:56 – 11:50]
• Applying the Theory / Relationship Stages – [16:09 – 18:55]
• Critiques & Limitations – [18:56 – 22:32]
• The Quadruple Theory of Love – [22:33 – 24:13]
• Reflections and Listener Qs – [24:14 – 26:30]

Episode Tone & Style

Warm, conversational, and educational. Sbeg uses metaphors and real-world examples to make theory relatable, speaking directly to 20-somethings navigating the often confusing terrain of modern relationships.

Summary Takeaway

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love remains a valuable lens for understanding the components of love—intimacy, passion, and commitment—and their myriad combinations. While the theory is not exhaustive and doesn’t account for all modern relationship complexities, it offers a useful framework for self-reflection and growth, particularly in one’s 20s. Newer models like the Quadruple Theory push the conversation further, but as Sbeg notes, love’s full mystery may never be captured in a single triangle or diagram.

For feedback or topic suggestions, listeners are invited to comment or connect via Instagram (@thatpsychologypodcast).