The Psychology of Your 20s
Episode 334: How to Fully Trust Yourself
Host: Jemma Sbeg
Release Date: September 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jemma Sbeg revisits her 2025 “theme for the year” – trusting yourself – and explores why self-trust is so challenging in our 20s. She delves into the psychological roots of self-doubt, how perfectionism and cultural factors undermine our instincts, and provides actionable strategies to rebuild self-trust and resilience. Jemma emphasizes self-trust as an anchor—more powerful than the illusion of certainty—and shares personal stories, psychological research, and practical experiments for cultivating this fundamental skill.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Importance and Challenge of Self-Trust in Your 20s

[03:03 – 08:30]

• Reflections on the 2025 Theme:
  Every year, Jemma sets an intention for her audience. This year, it was trusting yourself:

  "Trusting myself is something I’ve always struggled with. …I knew in hindsight what I wanted, but I just didn’t have that sense of trust that I actually was making the right decision.” – Jemma Sbeg [04:36]

• Opinion-Seeking and Indecision:
  Jemma observes a tendency in her own life to “opinion shop,” delaying or complicating choices by seeking approval or input from others.

  “Maybe you have been here too—that tug of war between your own instincts and the pressure of outside voices.” [05:07]

• Core Idea: Self-trust doesn’t guarantee perfect outcomes. Instead, it builds confidence that, whatever happens, you’ll be okay—a crucial skill during the turbulence and choices of your 20s.

2. Why Is Self-Trust So Hard?

[08:30 – 20:00]

• Emerging Adulthood and Self-Doubt:
  Borrowing from developmental psychology (“emerging adulthood” – Jeffrey Arnett), Jemma explains that the 20s are a uniquely tumultuous time. With shifting roles and unfamiliar life-defining decisions, self-trust is frequently undermined.

  “Meaning that you are sometimes going to make the wrong choices according to the future version of you. …That doesn’t mean you can’t trust yourself. It means you made the best decision at the time with what you knew.” [10:25]

• Fear of the Future / “What If” Thinking:
  Self-trust is often wounded by anxiety over the unknown:

  “Anxiety thrives in the gap between what we can’t control and what we think we can’t handle.” [13:23]

• Cognitive-Behavioral Trap of Anxiety:
  Anxious individuals overestimate threats and underestimate their own resilience, feeding into feelings of helplessness and indecision.

• Research Highlight:
  “A recent study … looked at what the most effective emotional antidote to anxiety was. …Self-trust…was the most influential thing measured in this study for improving anxiety.” [15:12]

• Self-Trust vs. Control:
  Many seek relief from anxiety through control, but this is an illusion; real relief comes from cultivating trust in one’s ability to respond, not in predicting outcomes.

  “Control becomes a red herring we are constantly chasing—not realizing it is an illusion … Trust, on the other hand, is real. It is actionable. It turns the focus away from external to internal.” [17:20]

3. Roots of Self-Doubt and How We Lose Trust in Ourselves

[20:00 – 32:00]

• Childhood Experiences:
  Drawing on Erik Erikson’s “trust vs. mistrust” stage, Jemma discusses how our early interactions shape our self-trust.

  “If you grew up … where you were shamed for your mistakes or your feelings were dismissed, you may have internalized the message that your instincts…can’t be trusted.” [21:47]

• Perfectionism and Hyper-Independence:
  Perfectionism masquerades as competence but undercuts self-trust by making every mistake feel catastrophic:

  “If we believe our self-worth is conditional on never failing, every single mistake becomes proof that you can’t trust yourself.” [24:05]

• Outsourcing Authority:
  “Algorithms these days tell us what to buy… career guides tell us what the best route is… Self help books give us the perfect formula – if you can just bring yourself to follow it. …Over time, the silence of that voice feels like its absence.” [27:45]

• Intuition:
  Modern life leaves little space for intuitive self-trust, as urgency and decision outsourcing become habitual. The “self-trust muscle” atrophies.

4. What Does Self-Trust Actually Feel Like?

[32:24 – 36:40]

• Practical Description:
  Self-trust shows up as following through on promises to yourself, showing yourself compassion, setting and holding boundaries, and aligning inner and outer selves (“congruence”—Carl Rogers).

  “The knowledge you can count on yourself…is this very deeply stable, calm feeling that…there is someone who has your back and that person is you.” [33:40]

• Compassion Over Criticism:

  “If you constantly punish yourself when things go wrong…why would you ever risk trying again?” [34:15]

• Freedom from Outcome Anxiety:
  Jemma emphasizes that self-trust enables risks without the need for guarantees:

  “The least that we can do for ourselves is to have our own backs. …Self-trust gives you the freedom, I think, to make choices without guaranteeing outcomes or demanding guarantees.” [34:57]

Memorable Listener Example

• Job Decision Paralysis:
  “[A listener] had two job offers…one is super safe and predictable, one is really risky, but it’s super exciting. …Out of fear that she would make the wrong choice … I told her: Not making a decision is the worst decision you can make.” [35:39]

  “Trust me, it’s actually harder to ruin your life than you think.” [36:10]

5. Resilience and ‘Ordinary Magic’

[36:40 – 39:40]

• Resilience as Ordinary Magic:

  “Resilience is kind of just having the ability to acknowledge a bad outcome… and say, ‘okay, is ruminating on this actually going to change anything?’ …The best way I can learn is to integrate what I’ve learned and keep trying.” [37:44]

• Self-Trust Feels Like Calm:

  "Self-trust is a sense of calm…It's a physical sensation of feeling like your feet are firmly planted, ...like you do have some kind of invisible armor—not against the bad things, but against being sunk by those bad things." [38:45]

Actionable Practices & Building Self-Trust

[39:40 – 46:20]

• Retrain Intuition:
  Pause before choices, acknowledge anxiety, and ask your gut what feels right. Make decisions (even small ones) before seeking outside advice; let consequences teach you.

• Start Small, Keep Promises:
  Build self-trust with simple, achievable commitments—e.g., exercising twice a week—and follow through:

  “Keep the promise. …Don’t let yourself feel less worthy of your time and energy than someone else.” [41:33]

• Life as Experiment, Not Recipe:
  Life isn’t linear nor about always getting things right. Approach choices as “experiments”—each outcome (even failure) is valuable data for growth.

  “Life is not a recipe…It's a series of experiments where you are the subject.” [42:06]

• Micro-Actions in the Expansion Zone:
  Take manageable risks; try new things alone; act on instinct in low-stakes situations to "gather evidence" of your capability.

  "Our expansion zone is where true learning and true self-trust happens. It's a space of discomfort..." [43:43]

• Stop Over-Explaining:
  Trust decisions that feel right intuitively. Resist urge to justify to others:

  “No one needs to know your reasons, especially since you’re the one who’s going to face the outcome anyway.” [44:46]

  Story: Jemma describes anxiety over moving to London and being questioned by a family friend, then realizing she owed no explanation beyond her genuine intent.

• Stretching Your Limits:
  Every time you trust yourself and face the unknown, you raise your threshold for future challenges:

  “I am grounded in my confidence. I am grounded in the fact that sometimes I don’t know how capable I am until there is a situation that stretches me to my limits. And then that’s my new threshold.” [45:32]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “The opposite of anxiety isn’t calm. It’s actually trust.” — Jemma Sbeg [07:12]
• “Anxiety thrives in the gap between what we can’t control and what we think we can’t handle.” [13:23]
• “Trust, unlike certainty, is real. It is the rainbow, it is practical, it is actionable, and it turns the focus away from external to internal.” [17:32]
• “Self-trust is not genetic—not a blessing you have or you don’t. It’s ordinary magic.” [39:10]
• “Not making a decision is the worst decision you can make.” [36:00]
• “Self-trust feels like calm in comparison. …It’s not about being protected from bad things, but about not being sunk by those bad things.” [38:52]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:03 — Episode Theme: Why Trusting Yourself Matters
• 07:12 — Defining Self-Trust vs. Control
• 10:25 — How Emerging Adulthood Disrupts Self-Trust
• 13:23 — Anxiety, Catastrophizing, and the Gap Between Control and Capability
• 15:12 — Psychological Research on Self-Trust and Anxiety
• 21:47 — Erikson’s “Trust vs. Mistrust” and Childhood Roots
• 24:05 — Perfectionism and Hyper-Independence
• 27:45 — Cultural Conditioning to Outsource Authority
• 32:24 — What Self-Trust Looks and Feels Like
• 34:57 — Self-Compassion vs. Criticism
• 36:00 — Listener Story: Job Paralysis and Decision-Making
• 37:44 — Resilience as “Ordinary Magic”
• 41:33 — Action Steps: Keeping Promises to Yourself
• 42:06 — Life as Experiment, Not Recipe
• 44:46 — Stop Explaining Yourself
• 45:32 — Growth, Limits, and “Leveling Up” Confidence

Final Thoughts

Jemma concludes by emphasizing that self-trust is both a skill and a gift we give ourselves. It is less about predicting the future and more about being anchored amidst uncertainty, bravely making choices without guarantees, and knowing you’ll have your own back whatever the outcome.

“You can’t have control and certainty, but you can have self-trust in the face of them.” [46:15]

For more summaries and resources, follow @thatpsychologypodcast on Instagram, and remember: “Stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself, trust yourself – and we will talk very, very soon.”