Podcast Summary: The Psychology of your 20s

Episode 355: Why don't I enjoy sex that much?
Host: Gemma Sbeg
Date: November 18, 2025

Episode Overview

In this candid and empathetic episode, Gemma Sbeg explores the complexities behind low libido and diminished sexual enjoyment in your 20s. Challenging common narratives about sexual peak during this decade, she examines the mental, physical, hormonal, emotional, and societal factors that influence desire. Gemma uses research, personal experience, and practical advice to destigmatize a nuanced subject that affects many but is rarely discussed openly.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Breaking the “Sexual Peak” Myth

• Many believe your 20s should be marked by "peak sexual desire," but the reality is far more complex.
• Gemma shares her own experiences with fluctuating libido due to stress and health issues, emphasizing that this is common.
• Quote:

  "With sex, you know, it's so easy to assume that everyone else is having more sex and better sex than you are... shame just acts as a barrier for any meaningful conversation around this." — Gemma (04:45)

2. How Libido Fluctuates and Why

• Libido is not static; it changes with life seasons, mental state, and environment.
• Feeling apathetic about sex doesn’t mean you don’t care for your partner; it's often unrelated to attraction or affection.
• Quote:

  "Low libido doesn't necessarily mean the absence of wanting sex. Sometimes it just feels more like an underlying apathy." — Gemma (07:10)

3. What the Research Says

• Survey data from the Kinsey Institute: 11% of married people born after 1997 reported problems with sexual desire in the past year, rising to over 25% in older groups.
• French study: 24% of women aged 15-24 reported lack of sexual desire compared to only 10% of men.
• Contrary to popular belief, sexual peaks occur later: women’s desire often peaks from ages 30-45 (not in their 20s); men’s desire may peak mid-20s.
• Quote:

  "We absolutely need to get rid of this narrative that your 20s are the best—best in anything, really—but like sex, especially for this episode." — Gemma (10:48)

4. Hormones and Birth Control

• Hormones play a role as “messengers,” but don’t directly create desire.
• Hormonal birth control can lower testosterone (important for sexual motivation in all genders), with varying effects—some feel steadier, others experience a dampened “spark.”
• Safety and emotional steadiness may increase or decrease libido depending on individual response to contraception.
• Quote:

  "Testosterone is really, really important... and this may make it harder to feel in the mood, especially if you've just gone on birth control." — Gemma (13:35)

5. Sex is Mental, Not Just Physical

• Desire is primarily mental: emotions, stress, environment, and connection play bigger roles than biology alone.
• Dual control theory: Excitatory (“accelerator”) and inhibitory (“brake”) systems together regulate sexual response. Most people with low desire are simply pressing the brakes too hard, usually due to stress, anxiety, or feeling unsafe.
• Quote:

  "Most of the time, low desire, low libido... it's not that the accelerator isn't working. It's because the brake is being pressed too hard." — Gemma (16:10)

6. The Role of Stress and Trauma

• Chronic stress and unresolved trauma can keep the nervous system in a state that suppresses desire.
• Libido is "a reflection of how safe we feel in a particular moment" (19:36).
• If intimacy was previously linked with confusion, shame, pain, or unpredictability, the body may react with survival responses rather than pleasure.
• Quote:

  "Our nervous systems have one role which is to keep us alive... when it detects threat, whether that's physical or emotional, it redirects energy away from pleasure." — Gemma (19:45)

7. Shame and Self-Criticism as Barriers

• Socially inherited shame around sex, performance pressures, and self-criticism heighten stress and diminish enjoyment.
• Forcing yourself to “fix” libido can backfire due to emotional pain.
• Quote:

  "Shame activates a lot of the same brain regions that respond to physical pain... This is often why the harder we try to force libido to return, the more difficult it is to access it." — Gemma (22:05)

8. Mental Health, Medication, and Sex

• Anxiety can make presence in intimate moments impossible; depression dulls motivation and sensation.
• Antidepressant side effects (SSRIs like Lexapro) may blunt desire—open conversations and deliberate adjustments are needed.
• Quote:

  "When I went on Lexapro... I had no desire for months. I will say it was worth it, for sure, 100%... It just made it really hard to connect what was happening physically with an emotional and cognitive reaction." — Gemma (25:55)

Practical Strategies and Advice

1. Normalize Fluctuations and Remove Shame

• Understanding low libido is common can reduce self-blame and relationship tension.
• Opening up to friends and partners helps break the stigma and often brings relief.

2. Manage Stress and Reconnect with Sensation

• Slow down. Prioritize nervous system calmness rather than “forcing” libido.
• Rediscover small non-sexual pleasures: a hot shower, a delicious snack, soft textures, the sensation of sunlight or your pet.
• Quote:

  "Let the world romance you for a little bit... if intimacy feels overwhelming right now, especially with somebody else, you can begin here." — Gemma (30:25)

3. Prioritize Rest and Physical Health

• Sleep more: one extra hour can potentially increase libido by 14% (citing a study).
• Consider reducing alcohol and checking for physical factors (low iron, hormonal imbalances, PCOS).

4. Consult a Medical Professional When Needed

• Don’t hesitate to ask your doctor about libido—mental, physical, emotional, and sexual health are all interconnected.

5. Communication with Partners

• Reframe intimacy: express your desire for special, meaningful experiences, not more frequent or “obligatory” sex.
• Suggest activities like taking sex off the table for a while to rekindle anticipation (e.g., “kissing week”).
• Have open, non-defensive dialogue about differing libidos.

6. Broaden Conversations Beyond the Bedroom

• Share honestly with friends; realize it’s more common than you think.
• Seek support, tips, and stories from peers for normalization and reassurance.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Stress and Arousal:

  "The body's stress response and the body's capacity for desire are two ends of the same spectrum. One cannot be fully on whilst the other is activated. They both take up too much energy." (20:30)

• On Shifting the Narrative:

  "Any shame you feel is not your shame, it's society's shame for never really allowing you to talk about it." (23:42)

• On Sleep and Libido:

  "One extra hour of sleep per night can increase libido by 14% on average... I think it's worth a try." (33:20)

• On Communication in Relationships:

  "I don't want to have sex unless it's amazing. Like, I want to have amazing sex with you. I don't want to have cheap, not good, random sex." (36:55)

• On Opening Up with Friends:

  "One of the best conversations I've had recently was with my friends about this very thing. And guess what? It made me realize how common this is." (39:45)

Key Timestamps

• 02:51 — Main episode begins: Introduction and topic overview
• 04:45 — Challenging the myth of sexual perfection in your 20s
• 09:55 — Survey data and research findings
• 13:35 — Hormones, birth control, and libido
• 16:10 — The dual control model of sexual response
• 19:36 — Stress, trauma, and nervous system explanations
• 22:05 — The impact of shame and self-criticism
• 25:55 — Mental health, antidepressants, and sex
• 30:25 — Slowing down and reconnecting with sensation
• 33:20 — Sleep, alcohol, and checking physical health
• 36:55 — Communicating with partners, reframing intimacy
• 39:45 — Group conversations with friends
• 41:24 — Main content concludes

Tone & Style

The conversation is open, supportive, and relatable, balancing research, science, and humor. Gemma’s empathetic tone invites the audience to set aside shame, normalize their experience, and seek connection with themselves and others.

Takeaways

• Low libido in your 20s is not abnormal—sexual desire is dynamic, not a competition or a measure of worth.
• Influences are multifaceted: biological, psychological, relational, and societal.
• Normalize ups and downs; speak openly with partners and friends.
• Prioritize slowing down, self-care, and communication over forcing results or feeling shame.

"You're not cursed. This isn't the end, especially if you are in your 20s. Like, the best is yet to come." — Gemma (40:55)

For more, check out the related guest episode: [Sex is Mental, Not Just Physical] (link in episode description).