← The Psychology of your 20s
Loading summary
Transcript57 lines
- [00:00]
A
This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human Ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks you any questions? That is why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, each episode features real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health expert you probably see the most breaking down the questions you wish you'd asked from which medications might not mix well to what vaccines do I need for my next big trip? They'll bust myths, decode trends, and share practical advice you can actually use. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And and this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed I'll be honest with you all. Life as someone who is self employed is unpredictable and having flexibility with my finances is key. The Klarna card is an upgraded debit card that lets you choose how to pay now or later, keeping you in control. The Klarna card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impact. To apply, sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn more@klarna.com US KlarnaCard Klarna Card Pay Later Plans issued by Webbank. Deposits in your balance account are held at Webbank Member FDIC anywhere Visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards, physical card only included with the paid Klarna membership plan.
- [02:05]
B
Before all the algorithm fed blah and the endless sea of dupes, shopping used to feel more fun. But here's a confession Dirty Rush listeners. You can find that fun feeling again on ebay. It's not mindless scrolling, it's a fashion pursuit. You all know I love a good find. I actually scored a vintage Saint Laurent blazer and a pair of Gucci heels that still had the dust bag. There is always more to discover. Ebay has millions of pre loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by ebay's authenticity guarantee. EBay Things people love Finding a therapist.
- [02:40]
A
Is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance. That is where most online therapy platforms fall short. But Ruler does things differently. They partner with over a hundred insurance plans, making the average copay just $15 per session. That is real therapy from licensed professionals at a price that actually makes sense. Thousands of people are already using Ruler to get affordable, high quality therapy that actually is covered by their insurance. Visit ruler.com gemma to get started. After you sign up, you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know we sent you. That's r u l a.com, you deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Spake and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology foreign. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today we welcome back one of our favorite, my favorite guests. She has been on the show so many times. She is one of the global experts on attachment style relationships, how to find healthy love. She's written two books, she has coached three thousands of people and has done more research on this than probably any other person. The other day I got an email from her about this new theory that she's been working on. It's called the six stages of a relationship and I just knew we had to talk about it because it is incredibly accurate. First of all, it is so accurate how it represents almost every relationship we find ourselves in. And I also think that learning about these six stages, especially in our 20s, what they represent, what they mean, could help us all be more realistic about love and also understand the highs and lows of dating and the highs and lows of devotion and being with somebody long term. Without further ado, here she is. Thais Gibson. Welcome to the psychology of your 20s again.
- [05:07]
B
Thank you for having me.
- [05:08]
A
I.
- [05:08]
B
You're one of my favorite people to to chat with and join podcasts with and just honestly catch up with. So. So it's really nice to be here.
- [05:15]
A
No, it's. It's so lovely. Every time you come on the show and you've been on a couple of times, you're like my go to attachment style expert. I love your in depth knowledge. I love how you Talk about these topics. I've kind of spoiled my next question, which is tell the listeners a little bit about yourself and what kind of work you do.
- [05:35]
B
Yeah, so I. To your point, I definitely work in the relationship space by trade. I am a counselor and coach and I've been in the space for quite a, quite a while now, more than a decade. And I tend to focus a lot in the attachment style space. And I think that comes from growing up with a fearful, avoidant attachment style myself and really pouring into trying to understand how to heal. And I put a huge emphasis and focus not just on like understanding things and intellectualizing things, but actually rewiring because the more we can really dig into the subconscious and rewire our patterns and leverage neuroplasticity, that's where you get to see the real healing and change and growth. And so that was something that helped me on my journey so much and something that I'm always really excited to talk about and share with other people.
- [06:19]
A
And you do like just the way you talk about it is incredible. And if you haven't listened to our other episodes, I think we did one on anxious attachment and avoidant very much recommend going and listening to those two of my favorite episodes that we've ever done, to be honest. But today we're going to talk about this, I guess, new theory that you've come up with, this new concept that you told me about. And I was like, how come no one has ever shared this or talked about this or come up with this before? It is the six stage theory of relationships. You know, I, I adore a theory. I adore like any kind of succinct explanation of like human phenomena. Can you just like quickly explain this one for me before we go into each stage individually?
- [07:07]
B
Yes. So the theory is essentially that every relationship has six stages. And I saw this through working with tens of thousands of clients that there's essentially a life cycle of every relationship. And it starts at a high level. We'll, we'll talk about them in detail for sure. But at a high level. The first stage is the dating stage. And the intention of this stage is to really vet and get to know somebody and like see if they're a good fit, fit for you and vice versa. And then when we make a commitment, we move into the honeymoon stage. And this is the stage where essentially we have our rose colored glasses on and we're all excited and everything feels great and it's easy and it's flowing, but we're usually showing ourselves still with a Good bit of conditions. We're on our best behavior. We're still people pleasing maybe a little bit more than we otherwise would. We're not as comfortable. And then we let down the mask and get comfortable. And that actually is what draws us into the power struggle stage. And the power struggle stage, you'll see, is where statistically most people break up. But the crazy part is that if you don't realize that in the long, grand scheme of an entire relationship, like, if you're going to marry somebody and be with them for decades, perhaps the dating, honeymoon, power struggle are such a small snapshot of a whole relationship, and we. If we don't ever have a relationship that makes beyond the power struggle, then people think that the whole relationship is like this high of infatuation, this low of fighting and more arguing, and it breaks up. And the reality is that the power struggle stage is actually something that presents this really unique and powerful opportunity to know each other more deeply, to work through conflict, to learn to hash things out, to learn each other, and to get into a rhythm. And if we do that, we then progress into future stages, which become the rhythm stage, the devotion stage, and eventually the everlasting stage, which is where we have this true and deep sense of lasting contentment in the relationship. And so we'll boil into all of the stages, of course, in a lot of detail. But. But the theory essentially is rooted in the fact that every relationship, point blank period, goes through this life cycle. And there are specific rites of passage that we need to move from one stage to the next. So in order to continuously progress, there's actually things we have to learn and get good at with each other. And if we don't learn those rites of passage, we'll actually get stuck in a certain stage. And the longer we're stuck in a stage without progressing, the more likely the relationship is to end. So what I find to be really meaningful is if people are struggling in relationships and they never really have a lasting relationship, it's always a year, two years, they break up, things like this, and they're looking for something longer lasting and more prominent for them. Or if somebody is in a stage now, listening, perhaps, and they're like, I feel like I'm stuck in one of these stages, and everything's rocky and we're not progressing, it's much less of the time that you have the wrong partner, and much more of the time that you instead have the wrong tools and the wrong behaviors and relationships that are actually keeping you stuck and not allowing you to progress. And I would make a really strong argument, having seen this firsthand, that so often people are like, oh, maybe I'm not compatible with somebody. Oh my gosh, what if it doesn't work out and they feel stuck? And actually, once they get the certain tools that they need to unlock the next stage, things move. Move forward much more effortlessly. So that's essentially the theory in a.
- [10:16]
A
Nutshell, which I love. And we were talking before I pressed record, and I was like, to get to be vulnerable and to be completely honest, like, I'm seeing my current relationship. Well, my. Not current, just my relationship reach it. Well, no, my current relationship, like, reach a new stage that I never have with other partners. And, like, we've just definitely passed through this, like, power struggle phase where, you know, we're moving and, like, we really have to, like, know each other deeper. And I've never passed through this stage before, and I feel like we're getting to the end of it. And this theory has, like, opened my eyes to all previous relationships that I have ever had. And every single one of them follows this. And obviously, like, they break up at different points, but never beyond the rhythm stage have I broken up with someone, which is interesting.
- [11:09]
B
And that is almost exactly how it goes for people. So once people, I find as a general ballpark, I don't have, like, really hard data on this. I'm just pulling from, like, tens of thousands of conversations and clients over the years. But, But I would say generally you're looking at, like, 80% chance of the relationship really lasting for the long, long haul if you make it to the rhythm stage. So at that point, it's because you've learned how to navigate. And, and we'll. As we dive into the power struggle and the rites of passage and all these things, you'll. You'll see and, and. And learn that if we can't get the important lessons right in that stage, that's what makes everything fall apart. But if we get them right in that stage, it' prepares us for everything to come so that we can thrive and stay connected and know how to weather hard times in the future if we ever go through them or, you know, be able to really build roots that are allowing a relationship to thrive and last for the long haul. And I almost think of, like, a relationship itself if there was a. A visual analogy. Every relationship's like a little tree, like a little sapling. And in the dating stage, we're like, oh, there's a little tree growing, and we're so excited. And then you. You Water it and it gets sunlight and it builds slightly deeper roots and we're like, wow, it's growing. And then the power struggle stage was like the first storm that happens for the tree. And it's like, you know, there's a thunderstorm and, and if we don't know how to navigate that stage, the tree can get ripped out of the ground. But you know, if it's really windy, perhaps. Right. But if we are, if we're able to really build deeper and deeper roots and nourish that tree across time, eventually the roots become so deep that even if there's like a hurricane, that tree's not gonna come outta the ground. And so that's really what this is all about. It's like, how do we build those deep roots with the right tools. And that's what allows people too, when they make it to the everlasting stage, to. People report in the everlasting stage not just having the longest lasting relationships, of course, but they actually report being the most fulfilled in their relationships. And what's sad and hard to see sometimes is that I think everybody's seen this where, you know, a couple in your life, or maybe you're that couple now, and, and where you can tell people are truly happy together. They've been together a long time, but they're truly fulfilled. And then there's other couples you see where, where they're together and maybe they're married for 30 years, but you can tell they're just not happy. Like they're just kind of sticking it out and they're just, you know, they're still fighting all the time and they're miserable and it's like, well, that's not success in a relationship. And what that is is it's actually they never left the power struggle stage. So people can say the dating and honeymoon have different time spans, but the power struggle people can actually stay in for the long haul if they don't actually learn how to move through it.
- [13:38]
A
Okay, we need to get into these stages because I feel like I'm gonna, I have so many questions, but I'm like, let's talk about the stages first because then I can go from there. But beginning with, with step one, which is you got to start talking to someone, you've got to start dating somebody. What are the key things to like, look out for during this period that may predict, like, future compatibility?
- [14:05]
B
Yeah, great question. So in the dating stage. The dating stage generally lasts about zero to six months. And it will be. People will try to speed it along a Little bit based on their attachment style. Like people who are a little more anxious, they'll want to go from dating into honeymoon quicker because the rite of passage into honeymoon is more about did we decide to commit to a relationship together? Are we just still seeing each other? People who are a little more avoidant leaning, they'll tend to be like, let's stay in the dating stage forever. They'll really drag it out and usually they're closer to the six month mark. But the really important things to go in prepared for in the dating stage are, are number one, you have to know what you're looking for. And, and truly I think people really underestimate this stage and how important it is. Because if you don't do the dating stage properly, it's like you try to plant a seed or a crop that you're trying to grow in the wrong soil, right? It's like you, you can, if you don't have soil conducive to growing the crop, you're going to have a hard time. And a lot of people that I would see in my practice is they would go in, they would date somebody, they would have very low standards for dating. It would be like, I just want to find somebody I'm attracted to and I have fun with. And then they get into the space of trying to win the person over when they start dating them, they're like, oh, I just want to get them to like me and want to commit to me. And they put their focus and attention there instead of on vetting. And the entire purpose of the dating stage is about vetting, which we'll come to in a second. So they don't vet and then because they're in this like people pleasing stage, trying to win the person over. By the time you then move through the honeymoon stage and get into the power struggle stage, you're not set up for success and you're going to see all of your incompatibilities are more glaring. There's going to be a lot of challenges. And so the first thing you want to start with to your question is like, you want to know what are my standards, what are my needs in a relationship and what are my non negotiables. And I always get people to start there and then really get clear about those things. And then the second question, and you would think people know to just look for this right out of the gates, but they don't. The second question is where should I be looking for this person? Because you'd be shocked at the amount of people who Will say things like, oh, I really want to find somebody who's emotionally available and who's working on themselves. And I'm like, oh, where have you been looking? And people will be like, oh, well, I guess I just kind of go out to the bar every Friday and Saturday and hope to meet somebody. And it's not that there's no emotionally available people at a bar. Of course there will be. It's just that you're minimizing your chances of finding the right people person. Like, if you're really looking for a healthy relationship and you're trying to master the dating stage of your life, we want to be looking, okay, emotionally available people, people working on themselves. I'm going to go to, like, a personal growth meet up in my area once a week or something.
- [16:42]
A
I'm going to get set up by people I respect.
- [16:44]
B
Yeah, exactly, exactly. So we want intent in that stage. And what that allows us to do is be mindful of our own time, not waste our own time and actually honor our boundaries and honor what it is that we're looking for, our standards essentially, in this stage. And once we meet somebody that we're interested in and we're looking in the right place and we have the intentions of what we're consciously looking for, the next big piece underneath that is, you want to go in and be like, okay, I need to start asking the questions that are going to get to the bottom of whether or not we're compatible. So if we're doing the dating stage right, it's about learning compatibility. It's about being intentional to see if there's actually a fitness. And so what I often say to people is, like, write out your standards, write out your needs, and then go on your first date. Just see if there's chemistry, see if you have a fun time, see if there's a connection. And after that, you want to intend to ask one hard question per date. So, you know, I know for me, as an example, like, obviously, I've been married with my husband for 10 years, but if I were going into a dating scenario, I would be like, you know, for me, one of the first things would be, I want to know that somebody can work through conflict. I don't want to. I don't like to sweep things under. Under the rug. I like to hash things out. That's extremely important to me. So, you know, I might go on the first date, have fun, and on a second date, I might say, how do you handle conflict? I'm so curious, like, what do you tend to do if there's conflict in your life, I might ask about like with friends or family. If I hear somebody say, oh, I just don't like conflict, I never have it. I just kind of ignore stuff and you know, park it away. I don't like to have conversations like that. I'm looking for things to be easy. I might be like, well, would you be willing to address that things if it was important to you and if they were like ah and all touchy, I probably wouldn't go on another date because that's a non negotiable for me. And so you get to get to the bottom of these hard questions and it also draws out interesting and meaningful conversation. And that's the whole point of the dating stage, is to get to know the person and see if they're actually going to fit into your life. And on the flip side, where a lot of people also tend to miss the mark, is that we also owe our own authenticity in the dating stage and we have to let ourselves get vetted too. So when we have these conversations, we also have to share ourselves truthfully and honestly with other people because we have to let them see if they're, you know, we're a good fit for them as well. And I think too many people, they kind of people please and try to say all the right things instead of the authentic things. And what you'll find is even though that might seem, seem easier and more gratifying in the short term, it's actually much worse for the long term relationship's chance of success. Because if we're people pleasing too much in the dating stage and pretending too much that we're okay with things, we aren't and we don't have boundaries that we actually do or we don't have needs that are actually really meaningful to us. By the time you get to the power struggle stage where naturally things start to come out of the woodworks and we show our truth there, you are so much less likely to make it through so to successfully the later stages. You set yourself up for success, you vet properly, you show up with your authentic self, you share yourself authentically. We know our standards and non negotiables going into the relationship and we try to look in the right places and those are like the big key rites.
- [19:57]
A
Of passage and you stop yourself from being hurt, you know what I mean? Like at this stage you are, you probably aren't deeply emotionally bonded to someone and or bonded at all. Like you know, you could get to the like the power struggle phase with somebody and really like them and love them because, like, you spent time with them, whereas they're still the same person that they were when you first met them. Like, if you were able to realize, like, we are never going to be compatible early on, like, you save yourself so much pain. I also want to ask you about this, which is something that I know so many people are going to be asking themselves right now. How do I not just get carried away with the idealized version of someone during this stage? The version that I convinced myself could happen, Especially, I think, around commitment. Someone says, oh, yeah, I just really want to take things slow. I'm not really looking for anything serious, but let's see where things go. And in your mind, you hear, oh, I just need to win them over, or they just need time, or you start hearing things that you want to hear. How do you deal with that maybe tendency within you during this stage?
- [21:12]
B
I love that question. That was a phenomenal question. Of course, you always ask great questions. The first thing I would say is that we want to set a goal and an intention to not date people's potential. And when I would have clients, you know, back in the day when I was running my practice, I would get them. People who I would say are, you know, predisposed to doing that. You know, the types of people who are a little more anxious, they. They see the best in people. It's such a charming quality, but much more likely to do that. I would actually get them to keep a dating journal. And I would get them to. And I would actually tell people it's a great exercise to do at home, is I would get them to. After a date, after spending time with somebody, I would ask them how I would get them to say, how is this person actually making me feel? Okay, because sometimes that question, when we're so into the fantasy and then we don't hear from them and we're anxious or they're. They're not great at communicating or the date's not going that well. Sometimes we cope by getting into the fantasy and we actually leave the reality. And when we leave reality and operate in the fantasy, we're out of our body. We're actually not in our body. We're slightly dissociated. We're up here in our mind, in our fantasy, and we forget to feel in our body what's actually happening. And so, hey, how is this person actually making me feel? Is a really good place to ground you, anchor you back in your body. The amount of times I would see people in very intermittent Relationships or relationships where people weren't showing up and they're chasing. And then you say, well, how is this person actually making you feel? And they're like, oh, I'm actually anxious all the time. I'm actually, like, having a hard time sleeping at night since dating this person. Oh, my God. You know, so it really anchors you. It's a really good question to ask yourself. And then I get people to rate. You know, you go in, you track your standards, you track your needs, and as you're vetting them, you're journaling about it. Are they actually showing up for this? And if you're seeing, oh, they could, or maybe they will in the future, as you're journaling these things out, we have to keep coming back to the reality. Are they. Are they doing these things now? Because when we, you know, whenever we're vetting somebody, we absolutely, unequivocally have to be vetting their behavior, not their words. And that is the trick to vetting properly. If we vet their behavior, it's what they're already doing. And it's interesting because your behavior is who you actually are. Your behavior is your subconscious, habituated patterns. And your subconscious makes up 95 plus percent of all of your beliefs and thoughts and emotions and actions. And so when you're moving from a place of behavior, oh, this person is being consistent in how they text. Good. This is how they're showing up. Oh, this person is emotionally available and really listening and being present on dates. Okay, great. This is how they're showing up versus in my desires or what I would hope to see in their words. They say, oh, yeah, I'll try to text you more often, no problem. But they don't. Right. Well, then that's in their desires or their words. It's not in their behavior. So when we're vetting, that's one of the best things to really keep us anchored in the truth and in the reality so we don't get carried away from the fantasy. And just the last thing I would say to that, too, is like, such a good question is if you find yourself being the person who has the tendency to get carried away and want to be chosen and want to win the person over, and you're prioritizing that. We also have to ask ourselves, what in me feels so safe and comfortable in that? Why do I keep leaving myself and chasing and wanting to be chosen and prioritizing the need to be chosen over how I'm actually feeling, how much my needs are actually met? And sometimes it's because we had a childhood where we felt like that sometimes it's because that's what's familiar and comfortable for us and thus safe. Or sometimes it's because, you know, we're just caught in this huge wound of fearing, not being good enough. And if we see those big things popping out, then it's a really good time to dig into those things, maybe do some rewiring or some healing around those core beliefs so that we can free ourselves from continuously enacting those patterns.
- [24:57]
A
Patterns. Honestly, amazing spot on advice. As someone who definitely used to have a tendency to be chosen and then change the way I approached those situations. It works. It definitely does. Okay, so we've, we've vetted well. We've done our job. We've been very good at getting people's references, getting people's character references, understanding people's like, core motivations and who they are. What does it take to move into the honeymoon stage and what does this stage feel like and how does it feel differently to the stages before and after?
- [25:33]
B
Yeah, great question. So coming out of the dating stage, and I think it's so important to vet really properly, I also want to say one thing too, because sometimes I notice people will be like, oh, it's like a job interview. You don't want dating to be a job interview. That's not the goal. So you want to make sure that you're. That's why I always say, like, ask one question per date. Because then you can have fun and be present and do your thing, but you're constantly getting, you're moving the needle. You're constantly learning a little bit of that important information. So generally we tend to, once we feel like we've got a really good grasp of that and once we feel like the other person you can tell has a grasp of you, what you'll start to see as you enter towards the honeymoon stage is it's marked by spending more time with somebody. Usually we're speaking to them quite consistently at this point, like almost every day or every day a lot of times as well. It's like you'll, you'll spend a couple of nights a week with them. You're, you're, you know, spending a lot of your time together and you can tell, you know, there's not really room for somebody to be doing this with multiple people in their lives or, you know, how would they hold down a job and date like this at the same time? You know, there's two. It's a lot of time commitment. And so once we see this progress towards that. Usually around the three to four month mark is sort of the healthy space where you've had the chance to collect enough information as soon as there is a commitment in a relationship. So hey, we're going to be together, we're going to be exclusive, it's just going to be us dating each other. Once there's a conversation that is the exact rite of passage that moves you into the honeymoon stage. So once there's an actual conversation, we've decided to commit to each other, we're going to be with each other, then there you are, you're in the honeymoon stage. Now. Some people do try to move there a little earlier, some people do move there a little later. But three to four months is usually the best zone for people. I find the most securely attached people actually move from that space and it's kind of the sweet spot. And the honeymoon stage then becomes, okay, you're officially in this relationship and we'll be a little more vulnerable with each other. We'll be a little more open with each other with our feelings specifically expressing love, care, excitement, making longer term plans, like maybe to go on a trip or a vacation. You know, there'll be this sort of increase in kind of. Exactly, exactly. You know, there's this increase of bringing this person into your life and introducing them to your friends. Friends, sharing more of your internal world with them. And it's a really beautiful phase. And in this phase specifically, what's really interesting is you can see that people, they have elevated oxytocin in this stage, which is the bonding neurochemical, they have elevated dopamine which is the motivation neurochemical. And what's interesting about this is have you ever noticed how people in the honeymoon stage, you're always motivated to go out with them and do things with them. Let's go to dinner, let's go here.
- [28:07]
A
And you always want to talk about them, constantly. You're always talking about them with your friends and family. I have a friend who's in this stage right now. Love it a bit. But she came up for dinner last night and I was like, I cannot, I can't hear about him anymore. I'm so sorry. But she's like so obsessed.
- [28:22]
B
Yeah, exactly. And so we have all of this like neurochemical cocktail of things. We even have the phenylalthylalamine neurochemical which is all about attraction. So we have all of this like bonding, attraction, motivation. And you'll see it in people's behavior. And it's a really beautiful stage. And after the zero to six months, so somewhere in that range of dating, we then move into about a year to a year and a half of honeymoon. And interestingly enough, this is often where a lot of people will get engaged, get married. You know, I've seen a lot.
- [28:52]
A
Yeah.
- [28:53]
B
And Gemma, the amount of people who I when I was back in the day, when I was running my practice, before I went into all the online space, I would have so many clients who would say, thais, I married my wife and then after two years was soon as after we got married, she turned into a monster or I married my husband. As soon as I got married, he turned into someone he never was. And people would get confused because honestly, a lot of people would think, I'd say roughly 10% of people would get married in the honeymoon stage, then move into the power struggle stage after marriage and think that their spouse tricked them into marrying them or pretended to be someone that they weren't and that they were truly the secret like monster behind closed doors. And when people, when I would explain to people, no, no, no, you just, it's too early. You never made into the power struggle stage. This is natural, this is normal. You just have to learn to navigate these things that are coming up. The amount of relief people would have of like, oh, it's a stage. It's not that I was tricked, you know. And a lot of people would feel almost a sense of betrayal when you move into the power struggle stage because, you know, you could date somebody, feel really good about them, get engaged at nine months or a year, get marri half a year later and you're still in your honeymoon. So at this point of time, this is usually that next year to year and a half and we'll actually, you know, it's a beautiful time, it's lots of fun, all these great things. But something else really important to note is that people are still moving from more conditionally based love because you haven't had to have the hard conversations, show and share a lot of your deep inner fears and flaws the way that you will, just more in the power struggle stage. And so you still have the mask on a little bit. You're still kind of a little on your best behavior, maybe kind of thinking about what you're going to really show or share with the person. And so once we start getting really comfortable and once we start letting down the mask and letting somebody in, when we get into that space of comfort, all of those neurochemicals actually reduce. Okay, so the phenylethylalamine and the oxytocin, the dopamine, we start getting more comfortable, we enter into the power struggle. And it's precisely this that actually triggers off the power struggle itself. Because we'll start saying, hey, actually that's not okay with me. Actually, that's a boundary for me, actually. I know I said I like this, but I don't. As soon as people start sharing more of their deep inner world, it's a crisis for people, but it's also an opportunity. It's like there's this challenge because now we're seeing all these in depth insights into somebody and we have to figure out how to mesh them. And that can be really hard at first, but you're also getting this deep opportunity to into somebody way more that you love and to let them into your world way more and to share your authenticity at a deeper level with them. So if we do the power struggle right, then things can, can be really beautiful and a lot of, you know, richness in the relationship can come out of that. But really, that marked rite of passage from the honeymoon to the power struggle is you start getting more comfortable. And as soon as you get more comfortable, the mask drops more and that will be what triggers off the power struggle stage.
- [31:56]
A
Okay, I'm so excited to ask you some follow up questions because I have them, of course, but we are going to take a short break here. When we come back, we're going to talk more about the power struggle stage. Rhythm stage, devotion stage. Stay with us. We'll be right back. Ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist has asked you, do you have any questions and your mind suddenly just goes blank? That's exactly why you need to listen to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast brings you real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health experts you probably see the most answering the questions you wish you'd asked sooner, like which medications might not mix well, what vaccines should you get before your big overseas trip. Even those questions you are sometimes a little bit too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you practical, trustworthy advice straight from the people behind the counter. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers, and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If anyone understands how chaotic life can get and how important flexibility with your finances, it's me. Especially as someone who was self employed. Some months are stacked, some months are not. That's why the Klarna card is such a smart tool for me. It's a debit card that lets you decide how to pay upfront like a normal debit card or plan ahead to pay later. Choose how you want to pay before you buy so you're spending with purpose and staying in control. The Klarna card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impassioned act. To apply. Sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn more@klarna.com US Klarna card Klarna Card Pay Later Plans issued by Webbank Deposits in your balance account are held at Webbank Member FDIC anywhere Visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply Some merchants do not accept virtual cards. Physical card only included with a paid Klarna membership plan hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed we all know at this stage finding a therapist is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance? That is where most online therapy platforms fall short. Ruler does things differently. They partner with over 100 insurance plans, making the average copay just $15 per session. That is real therapy from a licensed professional at a price that actually makes sense. And Ruler it isn't just affordable. The experience is tailored around you. Other online therapy platforms might match you with the first available provider, whether or not they are the right fit. Ruler considers your goals, considers your preferences, considers your background to make you a curated list of licensed in network therapists who are actually aligned with what you need. Thousands of people are already using Ruler to get affordable, high quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. Visit Ruler to get started and after you sign up you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know that we sent you. That's R u l a.com Gemma you deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. It's so hard to feel your best when your gut feels out of balance. You may know about chlorophyll. It's responsible for how plants harness the power of the sun. But now you can enjoy its power with with chlorophyll stick packs from Nature's sunshine. They're a convenient way to support your gut health and help your body feel full of energy. It's such a simple addition to my day that is backed by science, doesn't require a crazy cleanse or any gimmicks, which personally I love. Also, it tastes delicious. I especially love the apple flavor. It's so crisp and refreshing and I like bringing them with me when I'm traveling. I know my gut health isn't going to be at its best. But these chlorophyll stick packs aid digestion, they provide antioxidant support, they freshen from the inside out naturally neutralizing odors, and they promote cellular health, all whilst using natural ingredients. Support your gut health with chlorophyll stick packs. Nature Sunshine is offering 20% off your first order plus free shipping. Go to naturesunshine.com and use code Psych at checkout. That's code psych@naturesunshine.com so I kind of mentioned I me and my partner have been together for almost three years and we definitely hit the power struggle stage recently. Right. We are in the process of moving overseas together and all these big milestones happened and there was definitely a part of me when this friction started emerging where I was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Like this we've made, like, maybe this relationship isn't right or like maybe we don't, we're not compatible. Having like kind of now probably moved a little bit more over this hill. Why do you think this stage has to happen? And why do you think a lot of people break up in this stage, whether rightly or wrongly?
- [37:58]
B
So, yes, such a great question. So to your point, every single person pretty much across the boards, even securely attached people, they have moments of those thoughts in the power struggle stage. So I think that's one of the most important things to say is that like when you said, oh, is this right? Are we compatible? Is this working? Like that is so normal and that's every person's experience. And it's because we have this friction in this stage. And so obviously there's a difference. If somebody's like having these explosive arguments every day, all day, and they're miserable. And then they're asking those questions. But there is a natural. Just like when we go through stages of life, sometimes we question ourselves and different things. Oh, you know, maybe you start a new career. Wait, can I really do this? Am I on the right track? You know, there's these natural sort of insecurities that pop up when we have problems. And I find that to be one of the most relieving things for people to hear, because you know people, what happens, One of the biggest reasons people break up in that stage is they take those thoughts so seriously, and then they start catastrophizing and magnifying, and then they see everything through that lens, and they're like, see, oh, my gosh, we're not compatible. I knew it. And then they play into it more and more, and then the other person's doing the same thing. And then we have this vicious cycle that happens when in reality, I find that if people just knew that, hey, this stage is going to be a little bit confronting. You're going to have moments at times in the stage, especially when it starts off where there's doubts and you question the relationship. Just like if you start a new career and it's a learning curve, you're gonna be like, wait, am I good enough to do this? Like, we do that, and it's human and it's so normal. So that's a huge thing first. And then going into it, the stage is necessary because it is. I think it's such a beautiful stage. People don't like to hear that when they're in it, but it's such a beautiful stage because people get this opportunity to move the needle from more conditionally based love to more unconditional, unconditionally based love. And so often people would say to me, oh, thais, what if I want to stay in the honeymoon stage forever? And I'm like, do you want to just conditionally love your partner forever? Like, is that what you. Because even though it's scary, you know, you get to see into this person. You get to, like, really learn about their fears and their flaws and their needs more deeply. And you'll have to learn to move out of the stage and move through the stage effectively. How to navigate conflict, how to be vulnerable. One of the biggest reasons people break up to the second part of your question is that that you actually will not be able to make it out of the stage unless you learn vulnerability. And I remember when I joined you on an episode a while back and you shared on the episode, it was Such a touching way you shared it and you talked about being vulnerable and sharing something that was vulnerable for you and it going well and just having this sort of wow moment of receiving that. And you can think back, for anybody who's ever been through that, the moment before you're vulnerable for the first time with somebody in a pretty meaningful way. It's terrifying, it's so scary. But the moment when you had the conversation that goes well, it's a huge breakthrough. And once you do that once, and then twice and then a few more times and now you're both doing it with each other. You're literally building such deep roots for your tree. Like you're truly getting into a space where like the roots are building and they're growing and they're becoming, they're making the tree so much more unshakable. And so, you know, once you get into that space, it's yes, a crisis because there's hard things that will come up and it's marked by statistically people will argue more at the beginning. You'll see if you can almost graph relationships. You go dating, honeymoon, there's this peak of infatuation, power struggle. It's like all this fighting and then the conflict goes way down. And the whole point of the power struggle and there's really four major rites of passage. We have to get these four things right or we'll stay stuck in the power struggle forever or the relationship will end within it. Number one is vulnerability. Okay, so learning to actually share your inner world vulnerably. I'll tell a story here for a second. I had this client once and she was like this lovely, amazing, just beautiful human being, had all these great qualities, Put a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect in every way. Like so put together, so precise about everything, had a great job, everything on paper. And she never ever could make it out of the power struggle stage with people. And she just wanted a loving long term relationship. But when we looked into her childhood, what we found is that she had a father who was quite narcissistic and always made her feel like second guessing herself. And, and she had to be perfect to get love from him and all these things. So she never would let somebody see her in her imperfections. And when people would break up with her in relationships, the common theme is people would say, I feel like I still don't know who you are. And I feel like we're like not getting anywhere. Yeah. And it's truly no matter how quote unquote, perfect somebody is or how well they have their life together or how, you know, you name it. If we can't get vulnerable. Vulnerability is exactly what moves us from infatuation to real love. Yeah, and you could make a pretty strong argument that even though we can love in, in the dating and honeymoon stage, it's still kind of an infatuation based love. It's still rooted in infatuation. And, you know, when we move into like the power struggle and we really deeply let somebody in and really let ourselves be seen and, and really learn about what each other's sensitivities are and fears that vulnerability breeds much more unconditionally based love. And we get this opening into that. And so vulnerability is this huge rite of passage. And vulnerability then goes with us deeply learning how to meet each other's needs, number two. And number three is like really learning how to navigate conflict around each other's fears and needs together. And so as an example, you can think, think, let's say there's a couple, and let's say one person in the couple is somebody who needs a lot of presence. They want somebody to be attuned to them and be present with them. And they really value like, depth of emotional connection. And let's say we have another person in the couple who, you know, maybe that's a big need for the one person and maybe the other person, they really need gentle communication when they're getting feedback. Maybe they are a little sensitive to criticism and they, they don't take criticism or feedback that well. They kind of, you know, it wounds them a little bit and they're sensitive to it. So, you know, in this particular case, those could be issues where if one person's not that present and one person is a little more harsh or critical with their words, if somebody doesn't know there's a power struggle stage and know how to navigate it, then they could break up. But instead, if we have the ability to talk about these things and the person who's sensitive to feedback might say, hey, I want to try to hear feedback from you, but can you be a little more gentle in your delivery? Because, you know, it's a little hard for me sometimes and it takes a certain degree of vulnerability to say that. But then if the other person is willing to do that, work and meet them on that and practice that, and then if the person who, you know, say the, the other half of the couple is going, and okay, I'll work with my delivery, I'll be a little more gentle and considerate for sure. And also I Need you to be a little more present. Sometimes, you know, somebody being present and, you know, really listening is. Is really important to me and the other person's okay, and I'll work on that too. We're not going to be perfect at it all of a sudden, you know, it takes a little bit of time to practice and work these things through. But once they actually meet in this, in a middle ground, that's precisely when it's like, okay, now we're building really powerful roots. Now we know how to naturally take each other into consideration. Because. Because we were vulnerable about these things, we hurt each other. Each other's fears or flaws or sensitivities, we hurt each other's needs. And now that equips us to properly navigate conflict. And so when conflict comes up, if we can approach conflict with vulnerability, with openness, with acceptance, in this particular case, all of these things start feeding together into us building healthier collective patterns where we may have to make slight compromises on each. Each side. But what's so interesting here is a lot of people in the power struggle stage will say, yeah, I have to learn to navigate conflict a little bit more. In the power struggle stage. I have to. There's. Why do we have to hash everything out or talk about everything? It's only for a period of time. You'll have more conversations and more arguments because you're fusing your inner world. You have to talk about all these things that you don't know about each other yet. But once you naturally, okay, so let's pretend it's me and my husband, and let's say I'm the person who wants to more presence, and maybe he's the person who wants conflict, kinder criticism and better delivery. If we start doing those things and we practice them together and we get better at them, and I naturally am more mindful in my delivery. He naturally makes an effort to put his phone away and be more present. When we spend time together, then when we fuse into that together, it's exactly the fusing. And that's that fourth part that moves us out of the power struggle and into the rhythm. Because now we're in the rhythm. We're in the flow of doing these things. We worked on them together. We both made compromises. And by the way, usually the exact compromises that we'll make actually grow both of us and bring us closer together. And now in doing that, you get into this rhythm. You don't have to talk about all these things so much. You know, naturally how to. Let's Pretend it's me and my husband. I naturally know to be kind in my delivery with my husband. I naturally have practiced that. It gets wired in and now it's just something I do. And that's. That's exactly. And precisely when we start exiting the power struggle stage. It's the rite of passage of when we've hashed out the important things enough and we actually built in these new habits in the relationship where all of a sudden we consider each other without having to think it through or argue about it or talk about it. And then we feel more loved as we each need to feel loved in a relationship. And now we're in the rhythm of things and the. That's what takes us out of that stage and into the next one, which.
- [47:39]
A
All sounds honestly very positive to me. And something I will say is you will be surprised how every single long term couple relationship that you know has gone through this stage. Like, every single one. I've been talking to my friends so much about it and they're like, oh, yeah, like, of course we had that. Of course. Like, and the love that you start to feel for your partner is honestly bigger than the honeymoon stage will ever be. Like the honeymoon stage to me and how I imagine it is like eating a big bowl of candy and like sweets and like Maltesers and popcorn. It's like so delicious, right. And you just want to eat and eat and eat. And then like when you move. I'm guessing now we're going to go into the rhythm stage, into this stage. It's like having like an incredibly nourishing home cooked meal. Yeah. It might not like, taste as like, electric as a bowl of like, literal gummy bears, but like, it's so much better for you. And it does actually taste better as well. Let's talk about the rhythm stage. You've explained how we get to this stage by moving through conflict, being vulnerable, all those other rites of passage. What does it feel like in this moment? Effy?
- [48:56]
B
Yeah. I love your analogy so much. I've often said it's sort of like the pleasure seeking versus the fulfillment.
- [49:02]
A
Oh, I love that.
- [49:04]
B
Yeah, we get this like, ooh, exciting. But like, fulfillment can always outgrow pleasure seeking. You know, like fulfillment grows and grows and grows and there's a depth to it and, and pleasure always hits like a glass ceiling. Like, okay, cool, this is exciting, but you can only really get so far. But the, the depth of like, love and care that you can feel somebody for somebody when you know them so well and, and you've Talked things out and, and you let them see you so deeply and you feel seen and known and understood. Like it's just such a totally different experience. I love that analogy. The candy versus the home cooked meal, which is more nourishing and better for you. And yeah, that's fantastic. So once we get into the rhythm stage, I think you described it so beautifully. It's like you'll feel this depth of love and you'll feel nourished by the relationship in a really profound way and you'll know that there's a sense of comfort there, the sense of peace, the sense of being able to rely on this person. You'll feel like that person really knows you when you've let them in. And you know, so many people, they, they get stuck. And I know I mentioned this at a high level earlier, but like so many people get stuck in the power struggle stage and then they, they don't get the opportunity to think that relationships are more than just the highs and lows. And that's another really important thing, you know, for people to hear I find, is that, hey, just because you're going through a hard time doesn't mean that that's like the cap of, of the relationship. Once you can learn communication and vulnerability in these practices, all of a sudden the needle moves. Like all of a sudden things change and you get to enrich. It's almost like you level up in a really big way. And so in the rhythm stage, one of the first things that happens is like, you catch your breath. Quite honestly, like, there's a settling in, there's a fulfillment, there's a contentment because you're kind of coming from like high high of dating and honeymoon and then low, low of the power, power struggle by comparison. And then it's like, oh my gosh, we get to this middle ground, this harmonious space, this space where we're not having conflict. We almost preemptively avoid conflict by just looking out for each other. And this is the place too. And I think this is another really important thing. When I was a kid, and I don't know if you've had this experience, but when I was a kid, I remember being a teenager and dating somebody and maybe even being in a pretty serious relationship at like 18 and thinking, how could this possibly, like, how could this possibly last forever? Like, how do I possibly know I won't get bored in 10 years? Or they won't get bored. Like, sure, I like them now and like, we're all great now, but like, inevitably things have to fall apart. Like, how could you know you're not going to change your mind? And I remember really grappling with that a lot when I was younger and thinking, like, how would you know? But it's because I'd never been out of a power struggle stage or in anything beyond the power struggle. And one of the things that happens when you leave the power struggle and you get into the rhythm is it's like you've just nurtured something. You've just like cared so much for something. You've just cared for this relationship and you've been cared for and you've like developed something so deep and meaningful that now this idea that you could just get bored of it or that they could get bored of you, or these feel like superficial ideas, like, it feels silly to think that. And it's because you put the work in. And when we put the work into something and we devote to it and we show up and there's all of this, this growth and progress and depth, of course you don't want to sabotage it or just change your mind. The rhythm stage, interestingly enough, actually is quite short lived after the power struggle. So usually after the power struggle we have that, that, you know, the power struggle can last forever. People can actually stay married for decades. They'll just like live and die in the power struggle.
- [52:39]
A
That sounds awful. Yeah, do not let that find me.
- [52:44]
B
And then, and then if we do make it out though, the rhythm stages is short. Short. It's usually another six months or so, sometimes even three months before we move into the devotion stage. And the devotion stage is where we start to really move into long term commitments. We start thinking about like, okay, marriage and children, maybe even like building a business together, these really long, long term commitments. Because you can get to a space where it's like you have kids, it's a lifelong commitment for the rest of your life. So you have this space. And in the commitment stage you'll see that we feel that we're in this rhythm. We're coming out of the rhythm stage. We know how to navigate hard things. There's a trust in each other that we can move through hard things together. And there's a security in that that then allows people to start really getting excited to plan for the future and to make bigger moves. And that's where we're in that real devotion stage. Both people will be mutually devoted in this stage. That's where you get like reciprocity. Both people know they have this sort of sacred belief in the trust and Harmony together. And that's a space that now people are like, okay, we've got this. I know this is the right person. I can see myself building a whole life with this person for the long haul, and that's really the prerequisite. Then, of course, to the everlasting stage.
- [53:55]
A
Okay, before we talk about everlasting stage, a couple of things I want to ask you about. Stick around in this space for a bit. I find it so interesting what you said by people trying to move from the power struggle phase into the devotion stage without moving either through the power struggle stage or the rhythm stage. This is. I have seen this. People are, like, fighting, having terrible issues, and they're like, let's move in together. Let's have a baby. And I'm like, if you. If this is hard now, imagine how much harder it's going to be when you have fine, additional financial pressures when you have a living creature that you have to take care of, like a baby. I just feel like it just is so difficult to navigate with those, like, additional struggles. Speaking of partners, I'm just on a call. Wait, you can come in. Let me get back to what I was saying. Like, yeah, if you think that, if you think things are hard now, like, when you have additional financial pressure, when you see each other every single day and you haven't learned how to fight yet because you live together or have a baby together, like, it's going to get so much worse and so much harder.
- [55:10]
B
100%. And honestly, exactly what you said is like, one of the truest things. So, so many times I would see people stuck in the power struggle, don't know how to navigate it. They're a couple years in and they, they go, okay, let's have a baby. And. And honestly, it's almost like trying to put a. A sense of novelty on something that requires vulnerability. It's like, let's do a new big thing together. And I would see countless, countless times, quite honestly, couples who would come in and they had, you know, because I obviously ran a busy practice back in the day for, for quite a while. And people would come in and they'd say, thais, we're here to do counseling. We've broken up. We had a baby. And, you know, we are a couple years into clearly what was the power struggle. And they had a baby hoping it would be the save all. And instead it broke them down, right? And broke them up. And so you can repair those things at that point for sure by learning the tools and the power circle stage that you need to. But so often people a have no idea that there's different stages of relationships and b think that they're going to solve it by just adding new things to do instead of actually navigating the core problems. And so yeah, just absolutely could not agree more with that.
- [56:20]
A
Yeah. Okay, we're going to take one more short break before we talk about the final stage, the everlasting stage. So stay with us. We'll be right back. Ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist has asked you do you have any questions and your mind suddenly just goes blank? That's exactly why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast brings you real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health experts you probably see the most answering the questions you wish you'd asked sooner, like which medications might not mix well, what vaccines should you get before your big overseas trip? Even those questions you are sometimes a little bit too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you practical, trustworthy advice straight from the people behind the counter. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers, and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If anyone understands how chaotic life can get and how important flexibility with your finances is, it's me. Especially as someone who was self employed. Some months are stacked, some months are not. That's why the Klarna card is such a smart tool. For me, it's a debit card that lets you decide how to pay upfront like a normal debit card, or plan ahead to pay later. Choose how you want to pay before you buy so you're spending with purpose and staying in control. The Klarna card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impact. To apply, sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn more@klarna.com US KlarnaCard Klarna Card Pay Later Plans issued by Webbank Deposits in your balance account are held at Webbank member FDIC anywhere Visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards, physical card only included with a paid Klarna membership plan. Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed we all know at this stage, finding a therapist is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance? That is where most online therapy platforms fall short. Ruler does things differently. They partner with over 100 insurance plans, making the average copay just $15 per session. That is real therapy from a licensed professional at a price that actually makes sense. And Rula it isn't just affordable, the experience is tailored around you. Other online therapy platforms might match you with the first available provider, whether or not they are the right fit. Ruler considers your goals, considers your preferences, considers your background to make you a curated list of licensed in network therapists who are actually aligned with what you need. Thousands of people are already using Ruler to get affordable, high quality therapy that's actually covered by Insurance. Visit ruler.com gemma to get started and after you sign up you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know that we sent you you. That's r u l a.com Gemma. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. It's so hard to feel your best when your gut feels out of balance. You may know about chlorophyll. It's responsible for how plants harness the power of the sun. But now you can enjoy its power with chlorophyll stick packs from nature's sunshine. They're a convenient way to support your gut health health and help your body feel full of energy. It's such a simple addition to my day that is backed by science, doesn't require a crazy cleanse or any gimmicks, which personally I love. Also, it tastes delicious. I especially love the apple flavor. It's so crisp and refreshing and I like bringing them with me when I'm traveling. I know my gut health isn't going to be at its best, but these chlorophyll stick packs aid digestion, they provide antioxidant support, they freshen from the inside out naturally neutralizing odors and they promote cellular health all whilst using natural ingredients. Support your gut health with chlorophyll Stick packs. Nature Sunshine is offering 20 off your first order, plus free shipping. Go to naturesunshine.com and use code PSYCH at checkout. That's code psychatureaturesunshine.com okay, so you're at the devotion stage. You know, you're very happy, you're committed. Maybe you're engaged in it. You know you're engaged and you feel like this is the one forever. There is another stage, which is the everlasting stage. And my question for you is, does everyone from the devotion stage get to the everlasting stage, or why would people in the devotion stage still choose to break up or have a breakup occur to them before they get to everlasting?
- [62:01]
B
Such a good question. So I would say the only major reason that I've ever seen people break up once in the devotion stage is because of some sort of external event that's extremely painful that essentially causes an identity crisis in one or both people. And that's where everything they built sort of gets destroyed. So it sounds very dramatic and kind of harsh, but honestly, once you're at the devotion stage, almost every person ends up in the everlasting stage. They start actioning these things out. But let's say, for example, that one person. And I'll tell a story. There's some sad ones of people who I saw over the years who were in the devotion stage and then broke up. And in one particular case, this is one of the less sad ones. But in one particular case, one person lost both of their parents in a year. Both their parents.
- [62:50]
A
That's the less sad one.
- [62:52]
B
That's the less sad.
- [62:53]
A
Oh, my gosh.
- [62:54]
B
That's a tragic one. I know. Sorry. I should have said a trigger warning ahead of time because it's sad. But. But. But truly, like, you know, and. And what happened is that person then spiraled into this really deep depression, and then they ended up in a space where they weren't showing up for the relationship. They were kind of angry. They had a chip on their shoulder. They didn't know how to communicate what they needed from this place of depression. They knew how to communicate and navigate other things from earlier, but in this depth of what they were experiencing, they were like, what am I experiencing? What am I feeling? And so I actually ended up working with this. This client who came to me to heal from a breakup after that. And they didn't know about the life cycle of relationships. They didn't know about how to process grief or. There's sort of a lot in there, but Those types of situations where there's something really tragic and extreme that causes this person to not even know how to navigate their own lives, and then they can't show up for the relationship, and then we can backslide into, you know, back in the power struggle and then break up from there. If there's something really big, if there's not something really big. Generally once you're in the devotion stage, people move into the everlasting stage. It's just about, do we do the work necessary? Even people who have commitment fears and you think, okay, there's this big fear of commitment. Would that be something that causes people to backslide? Even people with big commitment fears, generally at the point where you've learned to navigate things, talk things out, hash things through really well. Those commitment fears essentially don't get a chance to see daylight over time because you're showing up with such a commitment to the relationship to get out of the power struggle stage that you're learning like, oh, commitment is scary because I'm scared of being trapped in some. In a relationship that doesn't meet my needs. And when you know how to navigate your needs and talk about them and then you're fulfilled in the relationship, people's commitment fear just happens to go away at the same time. Because commitment fears are rooted in the fear of actually being trapped. Trapped and not being able to get your needs met. So once we get into the devotion stage, you're extremely likely to move into the everlasting stage. It's sort of like the inevitable next step. And the rite of passage that moves you from there into the everlasting stage is all about in. In particular, acting out the things that you are devoted to. So the devotion devotion stage will sort of talk about them. I, you know, share ideas. We should have kids, we should move into this place, we should get married. We should do all these things. But what moves you into the everlasting stage is then that you're actually actioning them out. You have your first child, you have your wedding, you do all these things. And so now the everlasting stage is actually about building and creating a life together. And it's marked by things like merging your finances, having conversations about how you want to invest your money in the long run, or what things you want to spend your time doing or who's going to be taking care of the kids. What kind of parents do we want to be. It's marked by these types of conversations that are much more rooted in how do we build, what life are we co creating what does this look like? And really moving from that space in particular is where you see you're definitely in that everlasting stage specifically.
- [65:58]
A
I also feel like I'm thinking now about the snares, the things that grab people and stop them from getting to devotion and everlasting. And I feel like also that might be a requirement. I don't know if this is something that you found as well to get through something that shifts your identity or shifts you as people that you still are. Like, well, that's okay and we can grow through it. And I was like thinking about them. I was like, you know, maybe not being able to have kids would be like a really big one that you like have to decide like, can I do this? Or like, is this really. You know, that would be really difficult. Like having a bit of like a midlife crisis, I'm sure happens to a lot of people as well. Like losing like a career that like you were devoted to like a natural disaster. Like, I'm think thinking about all these things and I'm like, because they change you and, and maybe they put you back into that stage as well. And maybe that's why you see, I'm thinking about like kind of my parents friends now and like my like older friends and these situations where it's like we. Something terrible happened or something so large happened that we actually came out of it as a different person. But some of them still get back together and they go back through this entire thing. So it's like I'm thinking about like two instances in particular where I'm like, oh, this terrible. Like, or not even. It wasn't terrible, it was just earth shattering. Like it happened and then. But they ended up getting back together and it was so interesting. Like they went back through all these stages and they got married again. And like all these things, I'm like, wow, it's. It's so. It's so fascinating.
- [67:36]
B
So you just nailed it. So that's exactly what it is. So. So you can have these things and the, the root of what actually can cause because. Because nobody really breaks up in the devotion stage. But we can backslide back into the power struggle. And the things that would cause us to backslide back to the power struggle is if you think of the power struggle as being rooted in our ability to communicate our needs, share our fears, open up vulnerably about our feelings, learn each other through that space, learn to navigate those things collectively, then what happens is if there's something just like you said, a natural disaster or Somebody not being able to have kids, 100%, these things, it's actually rooted in one or both people having an identity crisis that then causes them. Even though you originally did the work, it changed who you were as a person, exactly like you said, because you had an identity crisis. And now you're relegated, just by nature, you're relegated back into the power struggle stage because now you have new fears, now you have new wounds, now you have new needs in the relationship because you became a new person. The situation or event changed you enough that the things you learned about the person in the power struggle stage in your relationship have dramatically changed. Because they have changed dramatically. And so now you have to go back through this relearning stage, relearning to navigate, talking about the new fears, the new flaws. And if you do that, you'll then move back through the stages and you progress again. But if we don't, and if we don't know how to navigate ourselves, Sort of like that client I mentioned who fell into that deep depression and came to me after they had already broken up with their actual ex. And they weren't looking to get back together at that point because it was quite a while after the fact, but they changed. They didn't know who they were in that depression, and so they then didn't know how to say what they needed. They didn't know how to be vulnerable about what they were feeling or how to express it or explain it. And so they ultimately had to do a lot of healing and work within themselves to then be able to come back and be functional for a new relationship as. As a new person.
- [69:27]
A
Yeah. This is so fascinating. I could talk about this all day. I want to ask you like two final questions, though. They've just kind of come up for me. I'm like listening to this. I'm like, oh, what would, what would the listeners want to know? Like, what are they thinking? The first thing I'm thinking is, can you skip any of the stages? Because there are people who seem to really get to devotion really quickly.
- [69:49]
B
Great question. So you can speed them up, but you don't skip. So, you know, you'll generally see, for example, securely attached people who have like a very secure upbringing or who earn, are insecure before getting into a relationship. They can move into the dating quite quickly. Move through the dating. They know what they want. They're a little more clear. They might move from dating into honeymoon quickly. And because securely attached people with healthy habits going into relationships, they naturally talk about their needs from the jump They're a little more vulnerable earlier on. They're quite intentional. They have healthy tools already that equip them to navigate conflict. Looked, you'll see a very short power struggle stage. Secure people still go through a power struggle stage. They just have a shorter version of it. And then if you're looking at, okay, let's say somebody made a commitment within two months. So they went from dating into honeymoon. Honeymoon lasted a period of time, like let's say a year after the fact and then power struggle maybe another three months. Then you're in the rhythm another couple months and you're in the devotion quite quickly. So you can see like a shortened time horizon for sure. And especially if we date, right, if we have really healthy habits for conflict early on, if we set ourselves up for success by having harder conversations more vulnerably earlier and setting the tone that way. And so you can see a shortened version, but people will still navigate each of the stages. And even people who get married and seem to be married from a secure base. So let's say somebody for religious reasons, I have a friend, for example, and he proposed to his wife, I think around six months. And you know, and they got married and they, they have a very healthy, loving relationship. But it was a quick, quick turnaround, right? Proposed in six months, got married quickly and, and even him. Any people in these types of situations, they got married early, they had health, like a really healthy foundation, but they still had their version of a power struggle stage at a point in time, right when they moved in together and got married, they had to like navigate it for a minute and have the harder conversations. So you'll still see each of the stages that we have. You can just see a smaller time horizon for different external reasons at times. And of course that means that part of like the hack and the trick is you want to get your, your, you know, your healing done right ahead of time, so you're ready to date in a more secure way because it just makes the, the entire life cycle of a relationship so much easier. And again, it's part of the reason that that statistically, like statistics show that roughly 50% of the population is securely attached, although that seems to sort of be on a downward trend. But when you see securely attached people, they also report being in the longest lasting relationships and being the most fulfilled and securely attached people. They tend to, when they get into relationships, they stay in them, right, because they're well prepared for these stages earlier on.
- [72:35]
A
And I think they also choose better life early on as well because they're like, I'm like, thinking about that and I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, because they're not just going after, like, the emotionally unavailable person. You know what I mean? They vet.
- [72:47]
B
Exactly.
- [72:48]
A
It all comes together and they.
- [72:51]
B
They date really well. Like, they date with intention and they won't put up with much bs, Right. If somebody's treating them in a bad way, they're like, sorry, no, I don't. I don't put up with this. And so because they do that, they set themselves up for so much success in the power struggle. So the power struggle isn't this big, drawn out, lasting thing. It's this sort of short little blip in the radar that's like a little tiny road bump and they keep it moving.
- [73:13]
A
Yeah. Okay. I have so many other questions that I want to ask you, but, like, we. We need to wrap up the episode. My final question is the one that we ask every single guest who comes on the show. I think I've actually asked you this before, but I'm going to ask it again, which is, what is the one piece of advice you wish you had in your 20s that has nothing to do with what we talked about today?
- [73:34]
B
Oh, my gosh, it's so funny, Gemma, because as soon as you said it, I was like, I remembered exactly what I would say, which was what you asked me the last time. And I said to be compassionate towards yourself. And I had this flashback moment. But you know what I would say in my 20s, and I'll actually just say what helped me the Most in my 20s is I was somebody who was like, I grew up in chaos and I was fearful, avoidant, and had all these, like, wounds and all of it. And I had a lot of what you would call injustices as a kid, like lots of hard things and lots of really pretty traumatic situations and things like that. And when I was until my very early twenties, I held onto that really tight. I was like, all these bad things happened to me. Nobody understands nobody. And it was my story of myself. And I went through a sort of personal rock bottom in my life where I was like, oh, my God, nobody's going to save me. I have to save me. I have to show up. And me holding on to all these hard things and then justifying that I should numb out or hide from things or be angry or carry my hurt around and have a chip on my shoulder. I'm only hurting me when I do that. And one of the most pivotal things that I did that I thank God for is I was like, oh, I have to realize that my personal responsibility for life is my freedom. And it's not my fault that things happen to me, but it is my responsibility ability to change them, and only I can do that. And I really poured into, like, learning and researching and doing the work. And obviously, like, everybody who's listening to this show is learning and researching and, you know, and setting the tone to do that. And I think pouring into really doing the work. If you come from, like a hard background of relationships or tough things, it doesn't have to be your story for the whole rest of your life. It can literally be like, okay, great, I'm choosing to take responsibility for my own conditioning, even though I didn't choose it it and work to rewire, work to recondition, work to heal. And I really think that that's like the greatest gift that people can give to themselves and it just opens up the world for, like, a future on your terms going forward.
- [75:37]
A
And it is freedom. The word.
- [75:39]
B
And it is freedom.
- [75:40]
A
And it's freedom. Well, thank you again for coming on. I'm going to make sure that we leave all your links to your school and your courses and you and your YouTube, like, every way and which way and which place you can find Thais. I will make sure that you can find her because. Because I love what you do and I love your work and how you explain things. So thank you again, as always. You can follow us on Instagram at that psychology podcast. Make sure that you are following along. It's the middle of December guest month and we have so many other fantastic guests that I cannot wait for you guys to hear from. So if you are not already following us, you don't want to miss listening to them and hearing from them as well. But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, and we will talk very, very soon. Ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks you any questions? That is why you need to listen to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jay Goodman, each episode features real conversations with CVS pharmacists. The health expert you probably see the most breaking down the questions you wish you'd asked. From which medications might not mix well to what vaccines do I need for my next big trip? They'll bust myths, decode trends, and share practical advice you can actually use. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, my lovely listeners. By now you know, the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed I'll be honest with you all. Life as someone who is self employed is unpredictable and having flexibility with my finances is key. The Klarna Card is an upgraded debit card that lets you choose how to pay now or later, keeping you in control. The Klarna Card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impact. To apply, sign up for the Klarna Card by downloading the Klarna App app or learn more@klarna.com US Klarna card Klarna Card Pay Later Plans issued by Web bank deposits in your balance account are held at webbank Member FDIC anywhere Visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards. Physical card only included with the paid Klarna membership plan Season 2 of unrivaled.
- [78:32]
B
Basketball is here and the talent is unreal. Paige Beckers, Nafiza Collier, Kelsey Plum, Brianna Stewart and more. More are back to redefine the game. Unrivaled basketball season two, sponsored by Samsung Galaxy tips off January 5th on TNT, TruTV and HBO. Max support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On Public, you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index. With AI. It all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year year, you can literally type any prompt and put.
- [79:11]
A
The AI to work.
- [79:12]
B
It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you back test it against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like EFTs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member Advisory Services by Public Advisors, llc. SEC Registered Advisor Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not investment recommendation or advice.
- [79:52]
A
Complete Disclosures available@public.com Disclosures this is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.