← The Psychology of your 20s
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- [00:00]
Jemma Spaeg
This is an I heart podcast. Guaranteed human. I'm Jemma Spa, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Have you ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks any questions? That is why you need to listen to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast answers the questions you'd wished you'd asked, like which meds may not work well together, what what vaccines you might need before a holiday, and even some of the questions you're too embarrassed to say out loud. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [00:42]
Dr. Jesse Mills
This is Dr. Jesse Mills, host of the Mailroom podcast. Each January, men promise to get stronger, work harder, and fix what's broken. But what if the real work isn't physical at all? I sat down with psychologist Dr. Steve Poulter to unpack shame, anxiety and the emotional pain men were never taught how to name.
- [00:59]
Jemma Spaeg
Part of the way through the valley of despair is realizing this has happened.
- [01:03]
Dr. Jesse Mills
And you have to make a choice.
- [01:03]
Jemma Spaeg
Whether you're going to stay in it or move forward.
- [01:06]
Dr. Jesse Mills
Our two part conversation is available now. Listen to the mailroom on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.
- [01:14]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
What if mind control is real?
- [01:16]
Dr. Jesse Mills
If you could control the behavior of anybody around you, what kind of life would you have?
- [01:19]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Can you hypnotically persuade someone to buy a car?
- [01:22]
Jemma Spaeg
When you look at your car, you're gonna become overwhelmed with such good feelings.
- [01:27]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Can you hypnotize someone into sleeping with you?
- [01:29]
Dr. Jesse Mills
I gave her some to be sexually aroused.
- [01:33]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Can you get someone to join your cult? NLP was used on me to access my subconscious mind games. A new podcast exploring nlp, AKA Neuro linguistic programming. Is it a self help miracle, a shady hypnosis scam, or both? Listen to mind Games on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [01:54]
Jemma Spaeg
Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed. Hello everybody. I'm Gemma Spike and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Before we get into it, I want to let you guys know that this episode and the psychology of your twenties is now on Netflix. That is a wild thing to say, but it is true. If you want to watch the video version of this podcast and you are in the US or Canada, you can go to Netflix right now. Look up the psychology of your 20s and you will see my face and you will see our podcasts. It goes without saying, it is such an honor and I'm truly so grateful to you all that you have given me this opportunity. The entire feel, the vibe is incredible. I think it's so personal. It brings a whole new element to it. And if you want to feel like you are sitting in your living room, in my living room with me, having a chat, now is your opportunity. Go to Netflix. Look up the psychology of your 20s. I'd love to see you over there. But without further ado, let's get into the episode. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it's so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s. So this is something that I've been asked about so many times over the years that honestly, countless times I've lost count. I've asked it myself. When I was dating, the question that me and my friends would always talk about was like, how on the world are you meant to find dating enjoyable? When dating apps seem to be the only way to date. No one's meeting in person anymore. The meet cute is dead. People meeting through friends is like a faraway fantasy. How do you operate in that system when you're still a hopeless romantic? But the dating apps just feel so pointless when you want your love story. But it's like, I've been at this for a while. When is, when is it going to be me? How do we survive the dating apps? When again, it feels like the only option left, despite knowing deep down it's basically turned dating into a game. This is something, as I said, a lot of my friends are going through right now. Even our researcher Libby is dealing with this, like, pessimism. Even the phrase dealing with like, that's very indicative of the type of conversations we've been having. But she was in London the other day, we were having dinner and she raised this really crucial point. The dating apps don't want you to win, regardless of like the catchy taglines designed to be deleted, whatever it is. Like, they're a business. They want you swiping for as long as possible, the same way social media apps want you scrolling for as long as possible. Because of this, because of this system, they're set into a business system. I think I've noticed a lot more people experiencing what I call dating burnout because of how the apps are structured. Like, it's so exhausting that people are kind of giving up hope. I actually saw a really interesting article titled what I Wish I Knew before dating at 20 by this guy called Aiden. And in the article he talks about how what the apps base our choices off of who they show us, who they think we'll like is actually completely shallow. We put so much trust in these algorithms. But, you know, to be in a long term relationship, if that's what you're after, you have to be really open minded, you have to be curious, you have to be able to navigate conflict, you have to have similar values, you have to be kind, you have to be interested in aligning your life paths. But, you know, the things that get assessed on hinge, on Tinder, on Bumble are just completely opposite to any of that. They ask you, you know, what's your height, what's your star sign? Give me as many hot and interesting pictures or funny pictures of you as you can find. Then they overwhelm you with choice so that anyone who actually is good gets drowned out. If they don't immediately capture your attention through very shallow means. They also get overwhelmed back and so they never message you back that everybody's getting ghosted. Like, you know, those educational videos is gonna be so different to what I was just talking about. But you know those educational videos where like, the sperm is like getting to the egg and it's like this race of like, and it's meant to show you, like when you're in high school, how slim your chances were and how competitive it was and how lucky and rare it is to be alive. That is genuinely what I think it feels like being on the dating apps these days. It feels like your chances of meeting somebody is like you're in a race with these thousands of other potentials and you want to make the match. I know that sounds very doom and gloom and we're being very pessimistic about dating apps, but despite all that, like, I do still think they work. I met my partner on Hinge. A lot of my friends have met their partners on Hinge. They work if you have a strategy. And I think that they, my friends have found success for some very specific reasons that people can copy. There is a specific mindset you have to have when you enter the dating app realm that I think is going to ensure you success more than if you just go in there randomly. And that is exactly what I'm going to share with you today, those very tips for being successful in the dating apps. Without further ado, let's jump into them. Let's see how we're going to survive this kind of new dating system that we all operate in. Stay with us. Let's not waste any time here. Let's get right into tip number one. If you want to be better at surviving managing the dating apps, you need to, number one, understand the psychology. But behind why and how dating apps work and specifically how they make money. This will transform your relationship to the platform and by changing your relationship to the platform, this will change the relationships that you have on them. I said it before, I think dating apps aren't designed to be effective, they're designed to be addictive. They deliberately give this impression that the perfect relationship can be discovered rather than made and built. And they do this by providing us with all these matches and all this arbitrary information, essentially convincing you that like your job right now is to pick. You've just got to pick and you've got to make sure it's the best one. They're manufactured to sell you this narrative that you're kind of always one swipe away from someone better than the person before. You're always one swipe away from the one. And that keeps you picking up the phone again and again. Because love is like such a delicious promise. All of us want it and it means that we carry on the search despite sometimes matching with people that are like really nice and people that we really click with. But the possibility of more that is offered by this like endless kind of vacuum of people means that we don't always prioritize those people means that actually the level of choice ends up being suffocating. Actually there is this really interesting 2012 article from the researcher Eli Finkel and, and also their colleagues and they look at how online dating, because of how many choices they offer, actually reduces three dimensional people, four dimensional, five dimensional people. These, it reduces our robust personhood into a two dimensional display of information or a two dimensional character. This actually reduces how Good. We are at choosing who we'd click with. Dating apps promote this assessment oriented mindset where we kind of fall into the role of assessor and maybe unintentionally objectify potential partners. And if we start viewing someone as an object rather than as a real, living, breathing, feeling human, that is the danger. It actually reduces the likelihood that we want to commit to even getting to know that person. Because to us, we're seeing so many people constantly, they just lose all dimension. In studies, researchers have found that people often reject those on dating apps that in person they would psychologically be most compatible with. And they do that for really, really small things, like they had too many pictures with their friends. I didn't like his shirt. She had two selfies instead of one. And we do this, and we've all done this. We do this because we have so many choices on dating apps. We have to come up with these like silly, arbitrary, shallow little rules just so that we can process such a vast amount of information. We actually end up eliminating lots of really good matches because those rules, they don't make any sense. They're just us trying to figure out the system. All of this is gamifying the mechanics of dating, which makes it both unproductive to begin with because we don't even really make good choices, but also addictive because it is unproductive. A huge reason dating apps are addictive is because they provide intermittent, unpredictable reward, which is essentially the principle behind operant conditioning, which is the principle behind gambling. Your brain learns pretty fast when rewards aren't guaranteed versus when they are, which is why when it's unsure, it stays much longer. Its attention is much more hooked because of anticipation. We know that most swipes lead to nothing, but sometimes you get a match and occasionally you get a really good match with somebody you really, really like. That keeps you hooked. In the literature on operant conditioning, unpredictable rewards are exactly the kind that keep behavior going the longest, even longer than predictability, even longer than knowing when you're going to receive a reward for a certain behavior. So this is what's happening. You keep coming back time and time again just because there's a chance. There's a chance that you're going to find someone you actually like or who is attractive or who piques your interest. But dating apps as well, there's always this comparison to gambling. I feel like it's. We've talked about it so many times. They also add something that gambling doesn't, which is a layer of social evaluation. I think this is really critical. A match is great. It isn't just a reward though. It's not like money. It's also about the social element. It's the feeling of being wanted. Money is great. Being chosen is better. A 2016 study published in Mobile Media and Communication conducted a survey to look at the motives behind why people use Tinder specifically. And what they found was that a lot of the time, men reported using Tinder for sex, for hookups, for seeking relationships. Women, on the other hand, reported using it for friendship actually, but also for self validation. Friendship aspect. Little bit confused by kind of surprised me. Like I can't say I've ever made a friend from Tinder, much less somebody I've wanted to know for longer than an afternoon. But the self validation point, I think didn't surprise me at all. If the app becomes a place you know you can go to get validation when you're feeling bad about yourself or in need of reassurance, where it's a place you can go when you know you're going to get a swipe, you know you're going to get a match, you know it's going to make you feel better. That validation is one of the most, oh my God, intoxicating things ever. It can train you through like, through like pure biology to start compulsively checking. Be honest, dating apps weren't set up out of the good of someone's heart, right? They are businesses. They are businesses at the end of the day. And that doesn't automatically make them evil. Of course not. You know, businesses can create things that are genuinely helpful, but when you understand the incentives underneath the design, the choice overload, the emotional levers being pulled, the intermittent reinforcement, I think it helps us to maybe distance ourselves a little bit and go a little bit slower, maybe match with fewer people, maybe concentrate our time on being intentional about our method rather than just endlessly swiping. Understanding how the apps make money is just essential. This is a part that I haven't even spoken on yet. But most major dating apps run on what they call a freemium model. So a freemium model is basically where most people are going to, are going to use the basic free version. But then there are some people who are going to pay to upgrade and they're the ones holding the whole system together. Paying to upgrade means that the app isn't working well enough for you on the basic level. It means that you're not getting enough matches, you're not getting enough attention. And that means that there is an incentive financially for apps like Tinder hinge bumble to not give you a good service because otherwise they wouldn't be able to upgrade. And there are all these financial reports from Match.com who owns a lot of those that actually show a lot of their revenue comes from low dollar transactions. People who are choosing to upgrade for $3, $5 because they think it's worth it. When you feel like you're getting nowhere, when you're frustrated, you're gonna pay to make it easy for yourself. Again, reverse logic. If you know you make money when your users are frustrated because they'll need a premium service, why would you not design the app to be frustrating if your objective is money? And I know that sounds all very like oh my God, conspiracy theory, but the math, like the, the data is right there, that makes so much money off of this. Why would they design it to be amazing? Why would they design it for everybody to meet their soulmate within one swipe? Their business model would be kaput. I think though, when you know this and when you know that the apps are playing a game with our emotions, playing a game with our vulnerable moments, you can play them back. And that kind of brings me naturally into tip number two. These apps operate on a sense of lawlessness and just like ambiguity and uncertainty. That is why you have to have rules, very clear rules for yourself, for how to approach them. This, these rules that you determine will obviously depend on who you are and they will change from person to person. But I cannot stress enough firstly outlining what it is you actually want from the app before you start swiping. Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking for something casual? The moment that you start to kind of swing away from that goal or lose touch with that goal, I need you to take a, take a break. Especially if you're looking for a long term relationship and you're ending up in all these small relationships, it just shows that you're being overwhelmed such that you are not in touch with your true desire anymore. Design your interactions with the app to best suit your desired outcome. If you want a relationship, if you want something casual, if you're not sure how you approach it is going to determine what you get from the situation. When we get a bit fed up and fatigued with swiping or liking or getting nowhere, we definitely develop this scarcity mindset that pushes us into making pretty poor decisions. This has happened to me. I remember like the dating apps were so exhausting back in the day that I decided to lower my standards and accept lesser treatment or accept people in that, like, I had no future with and that's not. And that wasn't conducive to, like, the kind of relationship goals that I have. Dating apps are uniquely brilliant at creating what I'd call emotional loose threads. This is like half conversations, maybe plans, ghost chats, people who pop back up every three weeks like a freaking haunted Victorian child. And those loose threads add to a big cognitive load. Like, there is this vague stress following us around everywhere because we've, like poured a little bit of energy into all these people and we're kind of. We can't keep track of them. Where, where is that energy going? Like, we cannot sustain that forever. Each one of those almost, maybe in little things is taxing. So when you put your rules in place, you protect that energy from. From, I don't know, from the clutter. I think we all need better dating app hygiene. Like, do not leave your matches unattended or unanswered. Like dirty dishes or leftover food. If you're not going to touch it in the next 12 to 24 hours, you're not going to want it in two days or two months. Unmatch. Give them their time back. Give yourself your time back. Like, clean up after yourself. These are the specific rules. I know, I've kind of talked about this very abstractly. The specific rules that I think you should instigate, Take it or leave it. Rule number one, when you match with somebody, either of you have 24 hours to message. Otherwise, you unmatch simple. This shows, like, if somebody is interested, if you're interested enough, you will. You will reach out, you will make contact. If not, no hard feelings. Like, this is the, you know, that's that scene in like the Blind side where it's like, if you don't like it in the store, you're not going to like it at home. Same with the dating apps. If you don't like them at the first impression, you're not going to change your mind in two days. And if you do change your mind, it's going to be because you're bored. And that's not fair for anybody. 24 hours. Unmatch. Another rule similar to that one, if they have stopped replying, literally hit them up with like a hey, where did you go? Kind of message in like a kind funny way. If they don't respond to that message, unmatch 12 hours. 24 hours. Especially if you've been messaging pretty consistently up until that point. Again, we are at stage one of the dating process. There is no room for potential There is only room for facts, like if they can't come through right now. No, no, no. A similar version of this. One of my friends actually has this rule where if they haven't met up within a week, I think it is a week and a half or there isn't a concrete plan made to meet within that next week, then she unmatches. It turns out that a lot of the research into successful use of dating apps backs this method up. Studies suggest that modality switching, basically moving from online to offline interactions is really beneficial and it actually means that people are going to have more fun or enjoy their dating experience more. Whereas online chatting for extended periods of time actually increases a sense of idealization, it inflates expectations and it also increases the risk of disappointment because you've built up a whole fantasy without proof. So setting that timeline to talk within 24 hours, to expect replies within 24 hours, to meet within a week, or whatever your timeline is, protects you from creating this parasocial fantasy attachment to someone who at this stage is just a string of photos. It's just like all you know about them is their texting style and a few things that they've sent over message. Another rule that I personally think everyone should abide by is, is to actually limit your. Your swipes. I know like Hinge and Tinder already do this, but like to limit it to, to five a day. Five, like, yes, I like them kind of matches or to definitely not swipe on anybody. You think, hey, I might have to change that about them if I want to be with them long term or like, oh, I'm not quite sure, but maybe I'll give them a chance. No chances. If you would not date them as they are now, do not match them. Like, do not even consider it for potential. If someone says on their profile, and this is what I mean, it's not like, oh, I'm not sure because I don't like their shirt like we were talking about before. I mean like if someone says on their profile, like they're looking for short term and you're looking for long term, I'm sorry, they're off limits. If someone smokes and you hate smoking, they are off limits no matter how attractive you find them. Please know that this is not a challenge. It is a mismatch and it is a recipe for disappointment if you go for someone who you know isn't going to match what you want in a partner. Potential is a trap in these situations. It's the biggest trap we fall into because it creates pseudo investment before you've even met. It also keeps you in this low grade scarcity mindset thinking like, oh, maybe they have potential. Maybe this is the best I can do. The whole point of dating is a mutual fit. Not to be their life coach, not to mold somebody into who you want them to be. So to summarize, tip number two. Create digital and emotional boundaries around how you pursue or are pursued on dating apps and keep it really neat and tidy. Clean up after yourself. Keep it clutter free. Okay, we're going to take another short break here, but when we return, I have even more tips for you, plus a guide to how to meet people in person that I've seen be very successful with some of my friends. So stay with us. I'm Jemma Spaeg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Have you ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist asks you do you have any questions? And suddenly your mind goes blank? That is exactly why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jay Goodman, a board certified psychiatrist and health educator, this show takes you behind the counter to answer the questions you'd wish you'd asked. Like what medications might not mix well, what vaccines should you consider before a big trip and and even those questions you're a little bit too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you real trustworthy advice from the experts you see the most. Your neighborhood CVS pharmacist. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The end of 2025 has been chaotic to say the least. I moved to London. I've also been dealing with some huge work changes, calls, decision making and I want to be focused. You guys also know me and caffeine don't mix well, but Nature's Sunshine's Brain Edge has been my go to solution. It combines hand harvested yerba mate with powerful nootropics to support focus, memory and cognitive performance. Without that same crash, it's a clean plant powered drink you can enjoy hot or cold. So you have a shortcut to basically help your focus, your alertness, your memory, anytime you need. It's been really helpful for me during stressful periods like this one where it feels like my to do list is growing by the second and I want to be mentally sharper. I want to feel more cognitively capable and it's just a nice ritual to add to my daily routine. It enhances focus, it enhances clarity, supports memory learning, and delivers smooth, sustained energy. So don't fight through feeling foggy and lethargic. Ignite your mental performance with Brain Edge. Nature's Sunshine is offering 20 off your first order, plus free shipping. You can go to naturesunshine.com and use code Psych at checkout. That's code psych@naturesunshine.com what if mind control is real?
- [27:58]
Dr. Jesse Mills
If you could control the behavior of anybody around you, what kind of life would you have?
- [28:01]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Can you hypnotically persuade someone to buy a car?
- [28:04]
Jemma Spaeg
Car. When you look at your car, you're going to become overwhelmed with such good feelings.
- [28:08]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Can you hypnotize someone into sleeping with you?
- [28:11]
Dr. Jesse Mills
I gave her some suggestions to be sexually aroused.
- [28:15]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Can you get someone to join your cult? NLP was used on me to access my subconscious. Nlp, AKA Neuro Linguistic Programming, is a blend of hypnosis, linguistics, and psychology. Fans say it's like finally getting a ultimate user manual for your brain.
- [28:31]
Dr. Jesse Mills
It's about engineering consciousness.
- [28:33]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Mind Games is the story of nlp, its crazy cast of disciples, and the fake doctor who invented it at a New Age commune and sold it to guys in suits. He stood trial for murder and got acquitted. The biggest mind game of all, NLP might actually work.
- [28:51]
Jemma Spaeg
This is wild.
- [28:52]
Narrator for Mind Games Podcast
Listen to mind Games on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [28:58]
Jemma Spaeg
Hello, my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed okay, we are back. Tip number three talking about dating app guidelines, I'm always of the belief that you should make the first move. I don't care about rules. I don't care about what roles men or women or people should play or dynamics or whatever it is. I just think rule number six Less coy, more Forwardness. There's this really annoying thing that we see a lot in modern dating which is that, like, nobody wants to come off as being too keen, but actually being proactive and being the first one to move to make that move often restores a lot of agency and makes it feel less impossible that you're going to meet somebody. I think the worst thing that a dating app can do is make you feel passive, make you feel like you're waiting around for, like, someone to come across you and to select you, or for the algorithms to serve you up, somebody that you actually like. That powerlessness is not the attitude or the feeling we want to have. When you see someone you like, open the door for them. The key thing here is that making the first move does not mean doing all the emotional labor. Open the door, see if they follow your lead, see if they walk through it, but don't let it set the precedent that you're going to do everything. I just think it's like a really great first start if they don't match the intention and they don't ask you questions or ask you whether you want to meet up and about plans. And I just don't simply think they're worth it. If you've been the one to reach out, you know, you've made it as easy as possible for them to pick up on the momentum. And if they don't, the harsh truth is that they're simply just not that into you or just don't have the same capacity for conversation as you do for whatever reason. That's when you apply that other rule that we have unmatched. But rule number three, a quick one, I would say always reach out first. My fourth tip is to make your profile super clear and honest if you're gonna survive. The dating apps give as much information as possible. Overcome some of choice overload barriers that other people are experiencing, that they're experiencing when they're looking at your profile, somebody else's profile. Make yourself stand out in a really specific way. I actually had a bit of a formula back in the day for how my profile should be set up. I had this conversation with a dating coach, actually on the podcast, and she explained how she'd set up the profiles of her single clients on dating apps. So let's assume you're using Hinge. The photos she recommended you use were one close up, one full body, one with your friends, one doing a hobby or, like something you love, and one conversation starter. So, like your dog or like a meme or like a picture of like a broken foot. I don't know, like, this is the hook, this is the Picture that somebody can be like ah, I'm going to grab onto this. This is a conversation starter. And she said it should always be the last picture. So you kind of know like hey, if someone has responded to this picture, they've swiped all the way through. Like obviously they like what they see. They've made it to the end. For questions, for prompts, for info. Firstly, be like super clear about your intentions. I feel like that goes without saying. Just be as open and honest as you can be. Secondly, choose the most open ended prompts that you can. The God tier hinge prompt. And I believe it always has been. This is together we could together we could best hinge prompt, insert your answer. Something sincere that shows off your true intentions but is also funny. One of my friends had like together we could get matching tattoos. Your choice first like you choose which I love because she's like she's a little wild. She's looking for something long term. She's like very lovingly the most intense person you'll ever meet. She has a tattoo with her now boyfriend. And the responses that she would get were like amazing because it was such a fun conversation starter but it also showed intentions. The other good prompts are I geek out on and then add your response and then a little bit about you. And the easiest one is like you should leave a comment if open endedness in these situations is rewarded greatly. And on an app or a platform that is designed for first impressions and wants you to make instantaneous decisions, give people a reason to pause. Give people a reason to think a little bit more about about you. Now what I don't mean by saying this is like try and make your profile as appealing to absolutely everybody as possible. I want you to niche down. What you should do instead is make it representative but also make it very specific. Who are you as a person? How would people describe you? Like if I could tell like if I could maybe crack like your Social Security code or like your Social Security questions from your hinge profile or your Tinder profile. You've done a great job. Think of your profile not as a resume but as a filter for people applying for you. Even include some of your deal breakers on there if you'd like like that, leave a comment. One that's a great one to kind of like see if someone aligns on your values. Like leave a comment. If you prefer an alcohol free first date, leave a comment. If you have no desire to go camping, leave a comment. If your mom is the first person you're going to call after Our first date. I love that one. It's a filter again for them applying to you also. And I feel like this goes without saying, use better photos and if you want to be successful on the dating apps, get your friends to choose your photos for you and then get them to arrange them for you as well. Like get them to choose every single photo. Trust me, this is honestly one of the things I did and it's the tip that I give people the most frequently. I'm not an expert. Like meeting somebody you're dating app doesn't make me an expert obviously. But I will say my profile was always the most successful when I let my friends put it together and choose my pictures for me. Why? Because I think we often don't perceive ourselves in the most flattering or realistic way. And the photos we choose, I've often found this reflect countless unconscious reflections on insecurities that we've had for years. I remember one of my friends looking through my hinge once and being like, every single one of these photos, you're only showing the left side of your face and like you don't have a single body photo. These photos all look the same and they genuinely were like the exact same photo just in a different font. And I hadn't even realized this is called in psychology unconscious impression management. And it's the ways we try to control how we're perceived without even realizing it. Mainly due to our own self objectification and our own self monitoring. It's like the same principle behind why people body check or people always gravitate towards certain colors or types of clothes or they don't smile with all their teeth displayed. Weird things like that. We all do them by the way, we all do them. Dating apps. This is like one of the only times in life where we really get to get to choose how we're going to be perceived. That sounds like great news. But also at times it can mean projecting someone when not and actually projecting a version of us that is worse than who we actually are because we're trying to hide insecurities that other people don't even notice other people love about us. So get your friends to choose your dating app photos, get them to arrange them, even just give them like a selection of like 30 or 40 and you just see the difference. It's. It's insane. Okay, tip number five. Probably my favourite tip of them all. Don't stop meeting people in real life. Dating apps work as a tool for meeting people. They shouldn't be your own only solution for romantic interaction. I'VE noticed online a lot of discourse around how people are now leaving the dating apps in like droves for in person meetups, for speed dating nights, for dating trivia nights, simply because it's absolutely exhausting to do all that work and never actually meet people. In the UK specifically in the UK specifically, there was an online report that documented how there have been major declines in the usage of dating apps like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble compared to the previous year. There was also a 2025 study done by researchers in Germany who basically interviewed all these people and found really high signs of dating app fatigue, with a lot of participants feeling like they were really worn down by repetitive interactions, by unclear intentions, by how emotional it was to just have all these like, like these tiny mini connections with people that went nowhere. I honestly think a lot of people are mainly sick of like the transactional nature of it all. It's like all trends or all cultural phenomena. There's always a counterculture after a while, after things have kind of settled or been the norm for a bit. There's always going to be like this point where people are like, wait, that thing we had before was actually really, really good. Like that thing. The way that we were operating before, this wasn't all that bad. Let's go back there for a little bit. Everything in our lives has turned into something of convenience, efficiency. We can get literally every emotion at our fingertips. We can get humor, validation, anger, now supposedly love at our fingertips. And I think people are getting fed up with our dating lives turning into like another form of ubereats or another form of gambling. It's the same reason why I think there's been a resurgence, you know, platonically and like 80s and 90s club activities like run clubs, book clubs, cinema clubs, outdoor clubs. I'm sure we're going to be doing Tupperware clubs, any like in the next three months. I'm envisioning it as a trend on TikTok. Honestly, it's a great place to meet people if you're committed to meeting someone in real life. Choose one kind of like mixed gender social based activity and be there weekly. Or choose a night of the week where you're like, this is my dating night. I will be going out and I will be meeting people. Trivia nights are another good one. Supper nights. I actually have a really funny story about this. I've obviously just moved to London. I'm in a very happy relationship but I'm like looking for friends and so I was like looking up supper clubs and I found this random supper club. It was like, geese Supper Club or something. And I was like, oh, that seems really fun. Geese, you know, they go and they have these dinners. And I was like, I love to go out for dinner. So I bought me and my best friend was also in a relationship a ticket. And we, like, get this email and it's like, are you ready to meet your soulmate? And I was like, oh, this is a dating night. So we did end up going, but there's so many of those. Check these guys out. I think their next event might have two free seats because unfortunately, we can't make it. But another way to do this, supper clubs trivia. I've already said those, but start giving people your number. Do it. I'm serious. Take it as rejection therapy. If they reject you, you win because you realize it's not a big deal and you'll continue to thrive and be brave. If you know they do, say yes. Great, you've got a date. I was at the pub the other. The other night, and someone gave this girl his number. And me and my friend were watching this interaction and we were like his friends. It was kind of this weird sitting where we could see what was happening, but she couldn't see what was happening behind her. And his friends were, like, hyping him up. Like, they were, like, pushing him to do it. And then she was blushing, and it was just really. He was blushing. It was. That was just like romance right there. Get your number printed on some business cards. Give them out. You have nothing to lose. Also, ask your friends to set you up, especially your friends with boyfriends or girlfriends or partners. Because guess what? Guess what those partners have. They have single friends of their own. And let's be real, everyone has the dream of dating best friends, or at least close friends. They will be like. They will be on it like Vegemite on toast. Like, as soon as my single girlfriends are like, I want to meet somebody, Tom's friends are getting interrogated. I'm going through his recent texts, like, to remind myself who I am. Eligible bachelors are. A date is being planned. Mark my words. I've also seen success with, like, speed dating meetups as well. Or there is this one club in London that I love. The woman who runs it is so cool. And it's called Scouting for Sexies, where they go around London pubs and, like, hang out with the girls, but also chat up guys I think are cute for the fun of it, for the vibes and, like, with their friends. This is the energy we're bringing. These are the spaces we want to be in. When dating apps are exhausting. I think meeting people in person just gets rid of that first layer of bullshit, if I'm being honest. Like, it's one less layer of pretense. You get, like, a much richer sense of who someone is in person. You know, whether there's that warmth, that humor, just seeing what their energy is like. And you've also already cleared, like, the first three barriers that dating apps usually put up as well. You know, having to match, having to talk, having to make plans. You skip all that. You're already on stage four. And just that shared context as well can make closeness feel much more natural, much quicker, because there's less pressure to perform. If you're serious about surviving the dating apps, I think my message here is don't become dependent on them. Don't let their dominance limit how you think people meet and fall in love. Because there are still offline love stories. I promise you, yours could very easily be the next one. I'm sensing it. Okay, we're going to take one more short break, but when we return, I have two final tips for you, so stay with us. This is probably my least practical tip of all, but my most important tip number six, take absolutely nothing personally. Nothing. Commit to being as stoic as possible about the losses dating apps generate. Again, an extraordinary amount of ambiguous social feedback. It might be a match who never replies. And you assume that that says something about you or someone who's really enthusiastic. And then you go on one date, you never hear from them again, even though you thought it went really well. And this ambiguity is naturally very confusing for our minds that kind of doesn't know where to store that information. It doesn't know what that situation meant. So we fill in the blanks with the most egocentric answers possible. The one, the answer that puts our actions and our words at the center. I was boring. I said something wrong. I wasn't cool enough. It's very egotistical, like I said. And there's no wonder. You know, we've spoken about this on the podcast before, but we know from research that social rejection literally hurts us physically. But it will hurt you less when you focus on the reasons that have nothing to do with you at all. And you actually stop putting yourself at the centre here if you did get a reply. But then communication drops off. You know what? Yeah, they could be dating somebody else. They could also be overwhelmed. They could be dealing with personal stuff. They could realize they're not over their existence. They maybe are just thoughtless. Maybe they just wanted a bit of validation. Who cares? Who cares? There are so many explanations that have nothing to do with you. Learn to ignore everything but the positive experiences however you want to sell it to yourself. On the apps, the barrier to matching with somebody is so tiny, you could literally do it in a second. So you have to remember, like, the perceived cost of just disappearing is also really small. People don't think about it. People get very callous and they swipe when they're bored, when they're lonely, when you know they have nothing to do. I can admit I even did that. Everyone does it. Dating apps make you a kind of a mean person and a careless person. Don't take a match as a promise. It's not a sign of intention. A message is a sign of intention. A match is nothing. It's just a quick signal that they find you attractive, they like your vibe. But the sheer volume of people on the apps that we're exposed to means that again, our brains aren't actually equipped to deal with all that information. And that is why, when people don't always follow through, it's not reflective of anything about you. It's reflective of the design of the app, of how they are made to make money. Like we've spoken about, one of my friends actually has this beautiful way of saying it. Every time a couple finds each other on an app, there are five, 10, maybe 15 people they were talking to whose story ends there, who is left disappointed. But those stories have to end for that other story to work out. And when you finally find somebody that it works out with, there will be stories that prematurely end for others as well. In order for yours to begin, it's all an exchange. You're paying your dues, you're ticking off your numbers, you're paying your tax, however you want to see it. To remain neutral, the neutrality is important. I know that all sounds a little bit brutal, but stoicism, acceptance of that nature is freedom in anything, really. That brings me to our last tip. Tip number seven. If you want to survive the dating apps, periodically you need to delete the dating apps. Especially the moment they start to feel like a chore or you feel like it's been weeks since you wanted to go on a date with anyone. That is a great sign. You are at the tail end of a burnout. I think there is, and I know there is a pressure to be like dating at 100%. If you say you're dating and showing up day after day on the apps, out of fear that you're going to miss the love of your life and never have an opportunity to match with them again. Do you know how many times I match with the same people multiple times? Like, because I deleted and came back. You don't have to become permanently disenfranchised with dating because you keep thinking you need to push through the burnout that the apps bring. You want to be able to have a healthy relationship with this. I think deleting when you feel like you and the apps aren't clicking, taking two to three months off reduces the pessimism that you can have around all dating. But additionally, I think it will also reduce the chances of you settling for less just so that you can stop dating, just so that you can feel less frustrated. And it also stops you from getting too emotionally invested in people who don't respond or who don't get back to you because the sense of urgency is less intense. I will say when I met my partner Tom on Hinge, I had done a six month dating app, detox. And I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, but I redownloaded the app and he was the first person I matched with. And that's the thing, when you are feeling more high energy, you can come back and actually start having fun with it again. Like, I felt like there was nothing left for me and then it was like, oh, this great person had rejoined whilst I was gone. Then you can really organize loads of dates. You get to talk to people you're actually interested in. You just get to like enjoy it. One of my favorite creators called Rach, I think her name's like Rachrat or something. It's. I think it's Rach Rat, but she posts her dating diaries on TikTok and something she says is that the early stages of dating is only meant to be two things. Sexy and fun. Sexy and fun. And if they're not, what is the point? So if you feel like your options are dwindling, come back two, three, four months, six months. Also there's gonna like, the reserves are gonna be refreshed. Like it's gonna be a whole new set of people. People break up all the time. People suddenly heal from breakups and come back on the apps all the time, back on the market. The last thing dating apps should make you feel is like your options are limited or scarce because that is what they want you to feel and they, and they want to trap you into spending money and maybe even settling. So remember, fun and sexy is your objective. Dating burnout is so real and it's not sexy and it's not fun. So take a step back until you feel like you want to give it another try. There is no rush, I know. Especially as we kind of get into like our late 20s and 30s and even older. Like there's such an urgency to find somebody before opportunities and options and doors close. This is gonna maybe be advice you don't want to hear, but I think urgency and panic is the worst thing you can do because it's always gonna mean that you make a poorer decision, going steadier, slower. Having rules for yourself, having practices, rituals around dating, like treating dating apps like the game and the business model they are, is going to make you so much more effective in the long run. And I think the mindset that has united every single person who I've seen been successful in a dating app is just, I am here to not take this very seriously and I'm here with very low, if not no, expectations. And in that way I'm actually able to enjoy this. So I hope this advice has been helpful. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you as always to our researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to this episode. Our question for the day, if you have made it this far, thank you for listening. Thanks for being a loyal listener. What's your dream date? Leave a comment down below. Dream date. You get to choose four activities, three activities, whatever. What would it be? I think my dream date, I was thinking about this the other day, dream date would be go to the beach, then go home, like separately have a shower, meet again, a little bit sun kissed for like an early dinner, like a sunset dinner, have a few wines, have a few dinner, have a bit to eat and then like have a walk home and it's summertime and it's beautiful. And then like a little kiss before, before they leave. That's my dream date. Leave yours below and make sure you're following us on Instagram. Also, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, the psychology of your twenties is now on Netflix. So if you are based in the US please feel free to listen to watch over there. I'd love to see you there. It's like a crazy thing for the podcast. So yeah, any support on that would be very much appreciated. Also I think the quality is really cool. It just brings a whole new personal layer to the podcast that I really enjoy. So I'd love to see you over there. But until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. This is an I heart podcast, guaranteed human.