The Psychology of your 20s Episode 389: “How to Experience Healthy Love After Toxic Love”

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: February 26, 2026
Podcast: The Psychology of your 20s

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the complex terrain of relearning how to experience healthy love after enduring toxic relationships, particularly in our 20s. Host Jemma Sbeg explores how toxic love reshapes our nervous system, attachment patterns, expectations, and sense of self-worth, and discusses practical steps to recognize, embrace, and nurture healthy love again. Drawing on personal stories and psychological research, Jemma offers listeners both explanation and encouragement for healing and moving forward.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What is Toxic Love?

[04:03 – 09:15]

• Definition & Recognition:
  Toxic love isn’t always about ‘evil’ people or abuse; it often means persistent patterns of invalidation, jealousy, emotional inconsistency, emotional chaos, and insecurity.
• Why It’s Hard to Leave:
  These relationships often involve addictive highs and lows, making it hard to walk away, sometimes due to hope for change rather than fear.
• Overlap with Abuse:
  Toxic and abusive relationships can overlap, but while abuse is fundamentally about power and control, toxic love often features poor boundaries and conflict skills without overt domination.
• Impact:
  Toxic love “scrambles our blueprint” for love, making dysfunction feel normal and potentially rebranding chaos as “exciting”.

“When two stories are being told about love at the same time in the same relationship—one where you feel good and the second story where you feel terrible—they come into conflict, and your brain only wants one story to be true.” — Jemma, [09:00]

2. How Toxic Love Rewires Us

[09:20 – 17:02]

• Affect on the Nervous System:
  After trauma, especially relational, our system can become dysregulated—calm feels suspicious, and peace is perceived as dangerous.
• Polyvagal Theory & Neuroception:
  As explained via polyvagal theory, our brains become trained to constantly scan for threats, leaving us unable to “downregulate” fear, even in safe situations.
• Attachment Style:
  Toxic relationships can shift previously secure attachment to anxious or avoidant, even in adulthood.
• Self-Doubt:
  Past invalidation leads to mistrusting your own judgment, creating a “better safe than sorry” approach to relationships.

“It’s so twisted that you have to experience this and that this is what love feels like now. And I’m sorry — it’s really sucky.” — Jemma, [16:09]

3. Opening Up to Healthy Love

[17:10 – 24:55]

• Attachment is Malleable:
  Our attachment styles continue to evolve; a kind and safe partner can gradually help us shift back toward security.
• Healing Through Relationship:
  Healthy love can be healing: “Sometimes the wounds left by love can be treated by nothing else... love is very healing.”
• Challenge of Pessimism:
  Toxic relationships make hope feel reckless and vulnerability dangerous, yet embracing healthy love requires hope.

“The thing you fear the most—the reason you fear relationships the most—is the reason you should get back out there...” — Jemma, [22:21]

4. Recognizing Healthy Love

[33:15 – 45:45]

• Checklist for Healthy Love:

  • No second-guessing or constant guessing about intentions
  • Clear, direct communication
  • Conflict handled calmly, with respect and repair rather than punishment or withdrawal
  • Emotional safety and absence of a blame game
  • Love is unconditional and not based on you “behaving” correctly
  • True equality and mutual investment
  • Fun, comfort, and ability to be yourself

• Normalizing Calmness:
  After chaos, stability can feel odd—even boring or like something is missing, but often what’s missing is adrenaline and hypervigilance, not the “spark” we imagine.

• Attraction to Familiar Patterns:
  Your attraction system might default to what’s familiar, even if it was harmful.

“Was it really a spark, or was it just anxiety masquerading as excitement?” — Jemma, [40:15]

5. Practical Steps to Embrace Healthy Love

[46:20 – 57:15]

• Date Slowly:
  Space out the early dates, give yourself at least a week between meetings.

• Reality Checks:
  Ask yourself: Do I feel like myself around them? Am I grounded or frantic? Is my anxiety coming from them or my past?

• The “Six Month Rule”:
  Avoid big decisions (moving in, pets, finances) for the first six months.

• Directness, Not Games:
  Communicate your needs clearly. Being direct will scare off the wrong people—“If they are the one, they would want as much of me as they possibly could get.” [53:10]

• Don’t Shrink Yourself:
  Don’t make yourself smaller to fit into someone’s life; see if they fit into yours.

• Challenge Your Instincts:
  After toxic love, if you feel bored or restless, pause—your “gut” might be conditioned by your old chaos rather than true lack of compatibility.

“Give the easy and safe love a second chance. If your intuition is going wild with it, maybe question how your intuition has been shifted by emotional chaos.” — Jemma, [57:04]

• Affirmations for Listeners:

  • Healthy love is supposed to be big, inclusive of all your quirks and needs—if someone “cringes” at your fullness, they’re not compatible.
  • If you can’t think of anything wrong with a relationship except that it “feels too easy”, maybe just give it more time.

• Final Reflection:
  There are still good, safe people out there. Don’t let the past convince you otherwise.

“You are deserving of a love that is so full and complete, it is bursting at the seams. And if they can’t handle it, I just don’t think your lives are aligned.” — Jemma, [52:30]

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “After toxic love, having hope feels irresponsible because you had hope before and look where it got you.” [15:42]
• “Sometimes love can only be healed by love.” [22:07]
• “Stability isn’t boring—it just feels that way if chaos was your normal.” [43:33]
• “No one I’ve ever spoken to has regretted going slow at the beginning of a relationship.” [48:24]
• “You’re a very big soul. You’re expecting big love. Big.” [52:25]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Defining Toxic Love: [04:03 – 09:15]
• Neurobiological Impact & Attachment: [09:20 – 17:02]
• Pathway to Healthy Love & Relearning Trust: [17:10 – 24:55]
• How to Recognize Healthy Love: [33:15 – 45:45]
• Practical Steps & Affirmations: [46:20 – 57:15]
• Direct Communication & Final Thoughts: [52:00 – 59:00]

Closing Thoughts

Jemma’s compassionate and evidence-based discussion offers validation for those struggling to re-trust love after pain, encouragement for slow and conscious dating, and plenty of actionable advice for rebuilding healthy patterns. The episode’s tone is empathetic, candid, and empowering, reminding listeners that love can be both safe and thrilling—and that healing is possible at any age.

Listen to the full episode for more stories, research, and practical advice on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Netflix.