407. Loving yourself, will make you more attractive

Summary

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Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: The Psychology of Your 20s
Host: Jemma Sbeg
Episode: 407 - Loving Yourself Will Make You More Attractive
Date: April 16, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, Jemma Sbeg explores the relationship between self-love, the power of thoughts, and physical attractiveness. Challenging the notion that beauty is only skin deep, Jemma dives into the science of how our psychological state and internal dialogue tangibly shape not just how others perceive us, but our actual biological and physical self. She cites contemporary research, shares personal anecdotes, and offers concrete strategies for developing a magnetic presence rooted in self-acceptance and self-respect.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Inner Narrative and Physical Beauty

• Start of Main Content: [03:04]

• Jemma introduces the Roald Dahl quote:

  “A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly because those thoughts will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look beautiful.” — Roald Dahl, cited by Jemma ([03:26])

• Asserts that “your thoughts contribute as deeply to your appearance as objective physical features and characteristics.”

• Jemma reflects on her own experiences of not fitting into conventional beauty standards and noticing how “kindness shines out of some people and makes them attractive.” ([04:15])

2. The Science: Mind-Body Link and Attractiveness

• Reference to the work of Alia Crum and the Stanford Mind and Body Lab regarding the “mind-body link”—the concept that the mind doesn’t just perceive reality, it actively shapes it ([05:11]).
• Cites an NYU study (Feb 2026) finding that women fearful of aging/decline actually age faster biologically—even when other factors are accounted for ([06:14]).
• Discusses the “skin-brain axis”:
  • The skin and nervous system originate from the same layer (ectoderm).
  • Chronic stress and negative self-talk can cause inflammation, poor skin health, and a host of unattractive physical outcomes ([07:45]).

3. Self-Love Changes Behavior and Perception

• Positive self-perception leads to higher confidence, openness, and approachability, which in turn draws others in ([09:02]).
• Jemma challenges the “placebo effect” critique by arguing that, mechanism aside, the impact is real:

  “It doesn’t really matter, whatever the mechanism. The effect is obvious, especially when it comes to how others view us...” ([09:27])

4. The Social Psychology of Attraction—Confidence as a Superpower

• Cites studies showing that self-perceived attractiveness (not objective beauty) correlates strongly with romantic confidence and social ease ([10:50]).
• Social contagion: Confidence and positive self-perception are rapidly and often unconsciously mirrored by others due to mechanisms like mirror neurons and emotional contagion ([11:54]).

Memorable Quotes:

• “People like confident people because it’s easy to be confident around them.” ([12:23])
• “You can buy into what somebody’s trying to sell you about themselves when they really believe it.” ([12:45])

5. Confidence, First Impressions, and Over-Confidence

• Study cited: Overconfident people—even with no photos or obvious cues—are rated as more attractive by strangers reading their dating profiles ([20:27]).
• Explains confidence as a “mental shortcut”: we often infer that someone’s self-assuredness reflects competence and positive qualities ([20:50]).

6. Physical Changes vs. Internal Work

• Jemma explores whether changing external features (via cosmetic surgery) is as effective for lasting attractiveness as working on the internal narrative.
• Study of 1,500 women over 13 years: Cosmetic surgery did not meaningfully reduce self-focused anxiety or depression ([24:42]).
• Contrasted with research on cognitive behavioral therapy for body dysmorphia, which yields deep, lasting changes in confidence and self-esteem ([27:00]).

7. Four Practical Methods to Cultivate Inner Beauty ([32:45])

a) Visualization Rituals

• Example: The Golden Orb Exercise—visualizing a “golden bright orb” in your chest that radiates positive self-perception outward ([33:30]).
• “This is your secret armor. That mental visualization... brings a glow that makes people attracted to you...” ([34:02])

b) Cognitive Priming Before Social Situations

• Give yourself three compliments before entering a room or social encounter to prime your mindset for confidence ([35:05]).
• “You have primed your mind to feel beautiful. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.” ([35:30])

c) Transforming Self-Care into Ritual

• Make daily self-care activities acts of devotion and appreciation for yourself, treating your body as worthy and special ([36:25]).

d) The Importance of Embodied Movement

• Any kind of movement (exercise, dancing, art, etc.) is valuable for fostering gratitude and respect for the body, shifting focus from critique to appreciation ([38:20]).
• “When you are obsessed with your physical appearance... you are immediately less attractive because you are distracted... you are not connecting with them.” ([39:40])

8. Being Interested and Interesting—The Ultimate Attractiveness

• “If you cannot be objectively attractive, be confident. If you cannot be confident, be a great conversationalist.” ([41:58])
• Discusses the power of being authentically engaged, curious, and good at conversation ([42:40]):

  “The most alluring quality you can have: interesting people are fascinating, and people who show a deep desire to know others... those people have game.”

• Good conversation skills and genuine interest in others make you memorable and draw people in ([43:30]).

9. Beauty is Largely Subjective

• Jemma reiterates that beauty standards shift and authenticity plus self-acceptance remain the most “magnetic” qualities ([45:00]).
• “To love yourself so deeply that it becomes a feature of how people see you... is one of the longest lasting gifts you can give yourself.” ([45:35])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Roald Dahl’s quote, cited by Jemma:

  “A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly because those thoughts will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look beautiful.” ([03:26])

• On confidence and attraction:

  “People like confident people because it’s easy to be confident around them…” ([12:23]) “It's a magic spell... if you cast that on yourself, it's intoxicating.” ([30:27])

• On movement and embodiment:

  “If you cannot love your body as it is... at least respect it for what it allows you to see, enjoy, witness, move through movement.” ([38:35])

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Practical Advice & Takeaways

Jemma’s Four Steps to Attractiveness through Self-Love:

1. Visualization Rituals: The Golden Orb exercise (imagine a source of light and confidence in your chest, radiating outwards). ([33:30])
2. Priming with Compliments: Give yourself three compliments before any social activity. ([35:05])
3. Transform Self-Care into Sacred Ritual: Treat your body with reverence and care, imagining looking after your childhood self. ([36:25])
4. Engage in Embodied Movement: Participate in enjoyable, expressive movement to appreciate and reconnect with your body. ([38:20])
5. Be Interested and Interesting: Develop conversation skills and nurture authentic curiosity about others. ([41:58])

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Final Reflections

• Beauty isn’t about achieving an external ideal—lasting attractiveness springs from within.
• Genuine self-love isn’t just “nice,” it’s biologically and psychologically transformative:

  “Hating myself has never made my life better, has never made me more attractive, and has never attracted the love I want.” ([30:20])

• Loving yourself isn’t just a gift to you, it transforms your presence, relationships, opportunities, and the way the world responds to you.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:23] — Introduction & Main Topic: Self-love and attraction
• [04:15] — Personal reflection and Roald Dahl quote
• [05:11] — The mind-body link: science and studies
• [07:45] — Skin-brain axis and physical impacts of negative thoughts
• [09:02] — Confidence’s effect on behavior & perception
• [10:50] — Psychological studies on self-perception
• [20:27] — Confidence and over-confidence in first impressions
• [24:42] — Cosmetic surgery vs. cognitive/psychological work
• [32:45] — Four practices for cultivating inner (and outer) beauty
• [38:20] — The importance of embodiment and enjoyment of the present
• [41:58] — The power of being interested and conversational
• [45:00] — Final thoughts: Beauty as subjective and magnetic

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Closing

Jemma wraps up by urging listeners to “reprogram yourself out of self hatred and into self love,” affirming that this shift is more transformative than any physical change. The episode is rich with evidence, science, and practical wisdom—perfect for anyone seeking to redefine their relationship with self-image and attraction.

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Emoji for Loyal Listeners: 🌞 (Inspired by the “golden orb” visualization, [47:30])

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Researcher Acknowledgement: Thanks to Lucy Davidson for research contributions.

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Transcript

[Host of the main podcast episode]

This is an I Heart podcast. Guaranteed human.

[Jemma Spa]

I'm Jemma Spa, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Have you ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks any questions?

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That is why you need to listen

[Jemma Spa]

to beyond the script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast answers the questions you'd wished you'd asked, like which meds may not work well together, what what vaccines you might need before a holiday, and even some of the questions you're too embarrassed to say out loud. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we talk a lot about how important it is to get help on this podcast. I know it's so easy to talk ourselves out of therapy for so many reasons. It's too expensive, it's too difficult. We don't know if we will find the right person. But this is what Ruler was made to fix. Ruler Ruler makes accessing quality mental health care affordable. With sessions costing an average of 15. With insurance, you can sign up and find a great therapist in as little as five minutes and have an appointment as early as the next day. So turn off the talk track that's keeping you from progress and head to rula.com that's r u l a.com to find a therapist the easy way.

[Robert Smigel]

Another podcast from some SNL late night comedy guy not quite on Humor Me with Robert Smigel and friends. Me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk. Today, David Letterman help make you funnier. This week. My guests SNL's Mikey Day and head writer Streeter Seidel help an acapella band with their between songs banter.

[Guest on Humor Me podcast]

Where does your group perform?

[Host of the main podcast episode]

We do some retirement homes.

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Those people are starving for banter. Listen to Humor Me with Robert Smigel and friends on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Dr. Maya Shankar]

Hey, I'm Dr. Maya Shankar, a cognitive scientist and host of the podcast A Slight Change of Plans, a show about who we are and who we become when life makes other plans.

[Guest on Humor Me podcast]

I wish that I hadn't resisted for so long. The need to change.

[Debbie Brown]

We have to be willing to live with a kind of uncertainty that none of us likes.

[Host of the main podcast episode]

You can have opinions, you can have like a strong stance. And then there's your body having its own program.

[Dr. Maya Shankar]

Listen to A Slight Change of plans on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Host of the main podcast episode]

The story I've told myself can then shape my behavior and that can lead me to sabotage the possibility of connection

[Debbie Brown]

this mental health Awareness month. Tune into the podcast Deeply well with Debbie Brown. If you've been searching for a soft place to land while doing the work to become whole, this podcast is for you. To hear more, listen to Deeply well with Debbie Brown from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Jemma Spa]

Hello everybody. I'm Gemma Spike, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

[Host of the main podcast episode]

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today we are talking about beauty. We're talking about attraction. Not in the way you may think. Mainly we are talking about the theory that your thoughts contribute as deeply to your appearance as objective physical features and characteristics. Is that true? Do your thoughts change your attractiveness? And how exactly does that happen? How does loving ourselves actually have a biological, physical impact? Can I begin in a slightly different way? This week? I want to tell you guys about this quote, my favorite quote ever, just ever, full stop. I feel like I share a lot of quotes on this podcast. This one, like, takes the cake. And I feel like it's the reason I wanted to do this episode because I've been thinking about it so often over the years. And finally I was like, there must be some science to this. It's from Roald Dahl. He wrote Charlie the Chocolate Factory bfg. This quote came from the Twits. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly because those thoughts will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look beautiful. Since I was a kid, this quote has resonated with me. I was an ugly kid. Let's be real. I was an ugly kid. And as an adult, I started to realize. And as a teenager, I was like, okay, cards that I was dealt. If I control my thoughts, I really can not just change my appearance to other people, but how I feel internally. And that will change how I act. There have been people that I have met who are objectively beautiful, who are stunning, who have all the structural features of a very attractive person, but they have had such nasty thoughts towards others and towards themselves and towards the world. And you can almost see it reflected in their faces. Like there is a cruelty that comes with thinking mean things about other people in Contrast some of the most beautiful people I've ever met. They will probably maybe not ever model for like, Prada or Vogue. You know, they may not be on the COVID of magazines, but there is this kindness that shines out of them. That means people are instantly attracted to them. People are drawn to them like a magnet. Why does this happen? Because I think that we've all experienced this. Somebody who is objectively beautiful, we are kind of like we feel weird about, but somebody who is like, maybe not that, that has that draw. Today, we are going to investigate that phenomena and the deep scientific evidence as to how our thoughts shape the reality of our physicality and why. Focusing on self love and kindness will make you an enigmatic person. It will pull people in, in any room. So without further ado, let's talk about how loving yourself will scientifically, physically, psychologically make you more attractive. All right, let's leave no mystery to even. To even begin here. Let's just jump straight into it. Yes, it is true. The way you think will have a significant impact on your physical appearance. There is evidence of this, and I'm gonna. I just have to give you guys that conclusion. The answer to the question before the explanation. It's true. Physical beauty isn't everything. Your thoughts and your mentality have a much larger slice of the pie than you may think. Aliyah Crumb, she is a psychology professor, director of the Stanford Mind and Body Lab. She has conducted extensive research on something that we call the mind body link. The mind body link is this bi directional, intimate communication between mental states, between our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and our physical health and our physical form and reality. She basically says our minds are not passive observers. They do not simply perceive our reality as it is. Our minds change our reality. Even on a biological level. There are so many instances where our mental beliefs affect our physical appearance or just not. Not just our appearance, but our physical reality. For example, there was an NYU study published this year, like two months ago, in February, that talks about how women who are scared of aging, of becoming less attractive, of their physical health declining, actually age faster biologically when holding all else stable. These researchers, they basically concluded these women, their thoughts about the state of their body were powerful enough to influence the actual biological age of their body. This also applies to attractiveness. The more positively you feel about yourself, the more powerfully people perceive you. And of course, we have heaps of evidence for this as well. How you think about your level of attractiveness, it influences. Yes. Firstly, how you present and your confidence levels, which have a emotional Impact, but there's evidence that it also impacts you on a more cellular level. Here is exactly how. Both Our skin tissues and nervous system originate from the ectoderm, the outermost layer of cells on our body that go on to form our nervous system, our skin, our hair, our nails, our sensory organs. The skin and the brain communicate through a network known as the skin brain Axis. A simple like very easy way of thinking about how our thoughts can influence our bodies is to consider this axis and is to consider how chronic stress, chronic negative thoughts, chronic hatred about ourselves, heighten our stress response, heighten our nervous system response, heighten our central nervous system response, therefore disturbing all these other communications to the ectoderm, to our skin cells, to our, to our organs. Many studies have shown that while short term stress is important for survival, chronic stress, such as the stress that comes from hating yourself, the stress that comes from putting yourself down, can trigger a whole wide spectrum of just so many things that again, I hate to say like attractive, unattractive, but that maybe aren't as healthy as, as our body could feel like and could look like. And it just goes to show the disturbances that self hating thoughts can have on our appearance, likewise, you know, feelings of shame as well, feelings of anger towards ourselves, feelings of anxiety can also literally cause inflammation and can compromise your immunity in ways that show up physically, I should say. There is such a focus online at the moment, I'm sure you guys have noticed this. Such a focus on like inflammation being this terrible bad thing, like I'm so inflamed, I have so much inflammation. If nobody has told you this inflammation is actually some inflammation is good for you, it's a really good sign that your body is basically taking care of business. So you don't want to reduce all inflammation, but you know, prolonged stress, anger, anxiety towards your, like anxiety about your life, about your appearance, environmental stresses, pain amongst so many other things can cause acute or chronic inflammation, which is brutal for so many reasons. It can affect body composition, skin, hair, you know, which is important when we're talking about attraction. It also impacts mood and personality and health, which is much more important on a deeper level. If we work towards loving ourselves, if we work towards speaking kindly to ourselves, we give our brains and our nervous system the best chance at keeping us healthy and that health is converted into physical attractiveness. It's so interesting to me that these days there's like so many quick fixes for like beauty. Like everywhere you go there are like advertisements for botox, lip fillers, surgery, and that seems to be like the first avenue that some people target. When you should be targeting this baseline. First of like, how do I think about myself? Do I love myself? Do I care about myself? Some people may say this is just a placebo effect. It's not your thoughts that are changing your actual appearance, it's that your thoughts are changing your behaviors. Doesn't really matter, whatever the mechanism. Like the effect is obvious, especially when it comes to how others view us, which feels so shallow. But again, that's what the episode is about. There have been some really interesting theories recently which say confidence specifically dominates objective attractiveness when it comes to other people's assessments of beauty. Let's look into that for a second. Let's look at the evidence. Studies show that those who view themselves as attractive have higher romantic self confidence and self esteem, which therefore influences how they behave in social and dating situations. And it really doesn't matter how objectively attractive they actually are. The subjective assessment of their attractiveness is what influences this above everything else. Having that kind of attractiveness changes everything from our body language to our ability or willingness to initiate conversation, to our openness to strangers, which can make someone appear more open and reliable and trustworthy because they are receptive, because they have this magnetic energy that says come and talk to me. Like let's come and interact with me. This is called social contagion. It is a rapid, often unconscious spread of emotions, behaviors, beliefs through a group of people, through a social network because of mirror neurons, because of behavior mimicking and emotional contagion as well. On top of social contagion. It explains, we've talked about this recently actually when it comes to trends, it explains how trends form, why panic driven behaviors happen and it explains social perception and how your perception of yourself can travel to the people around you. This process, it's driven by automatic built in cognitive mechanisms rather than by conscious thought. But we can subconsciously influence that. We can subconsciously reprogram how we feel about ourselves through the repetition of positive self affirmation, through the repetition of practices that prioritize self love that feeds into confidence. That confidence is what impacts other people's assessment of us. One particularly famous study about this asked to like 300 young adult, 300 around that young adults to rate their self perceived attractiveness as well as self reported confidence in their appearance, romantic relationships and body esteem. The study found a strong correlation between having high self perceived attractiveness, again regardless of actual attractiveness, high body esteem, high self confidence with overall self esteem and with overall romantic attraction to those people. It's just, it's this weird thing. People like confident people because it's easy to be confident around them and it's easy to buy into what somebody's trying to sell you about themselves when they really believe it. A study from 1981 found that this may actually come down to not just that, but down to emotional expressiveness. So people who display as well, who are confident display a lot of non verbal cues for emotion. They're really able to infer affect the emotions and the mood of other people's in the room without saying anything, regardless of objective attractiveness. They're also able to appear more friendly, more likable. I think what we need to understand, again, I've kind of briefly explained this mechanism. But why, right? Like why is it so infectious? Why is confidence like the superpower? I'm going to take a short break and then I'm going to lay it all out for you guys. So stay with us.

[Jemma Spa]

It is hard to admit when you need help. A few years ago, I was definitely

[Host of the main podcast episode]

in that boat and I had a lot of excuses. You know, therapy is too expensive.

[Jemma Spa]

It is so hard to find the right person. I don't know if I have the

[Host of the main podcast episode]

time or the space for this right

[Jemma Spa]

now, but putting it off will never solve the problem. That is why Ruler is a lifesaver. They make it really easy to find a therapist who is qualified and more importantly, who takes your insurance. So you are not left kind of guessing after an appointment, how much is

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[Jemma Spa]

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[Host of the main podcast episode]

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[Jemma Spa]

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[Kier Gaines]

Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way, with me, your host and your favorite therapist, Kier Gaines. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people, scoreboard wise. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns. Dustin Ross. Cause you find it important to be a good person while you're here on earth? Or are you a good person because you're afraid? Cause that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kier Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way. Open your free iHeartRadio app search learn the hard way and listen now.

[Emily Abadi]

Life throws hurdles big and small. The question is, how do you conquer them? On Hurdle with Emily Abadi, we sit down with the most inspiring women in sports and wellness, professional athletes, coaches, and Olympic champions to talk about the challenges that shaped them and the mindset that keeps them going. From the WNBA standout Kate Martin and rising hockey star Layla Edwards.

[Guest on Humor Me podcast]

If a boy can do it, I don't see why a girl can't. Like, I've never understood that. Like, it didn't make sense in my brain. It's hard to be in spaces that no one looks like you, but don't ever feel like you don't belong. Don't let that be the reason you don't do it.

[Emily Abadi]

And Olympic champs Gabby Thomas and Katie Lynn Ledecky.

[Guest on Humor Me podcast]

The ability to show a gold medal to someone and have their face light up and smile, that means the world to me. And that's what motivates me to win more gold medals at our level, at

[Host of the main podcast episode]

this scale, like being able to fail in front of the entire world, like, I can do anything. I can.

[Dr. Maya Shankar]

Like I can do anything.

[Emily Abadi]

Because resilience isn't just about winning. It's about showing up, even when it's hard. Listen to Hurdle with Emily Abbadi on the Ice, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.

[Michelle McPhee]

Jacob Kingston grew up in an isolated polygamous sect.

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We were God's chosen kingdom on earth.

[Michelle McPhee]

He felt destined for greatness. So when a swaggering Armenian businessman catapults Jacob into an extraordinary world, he doesn't look back.

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Ferraris and lamp, Lamborghini's private jets. Meeting the president of Turkey.

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I'm Michelle McPhee, and this is one of the most shocking criminal conspiracies I've ever come across.

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When Jacob met Lavon, this went to a billion dollar fraud.

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But with two kings from entirely different worlds, just how long can their empire survive?

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The largest Tax investigation in American history. You need to tell me what you know. Is somebody coming after me?

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Jacob told Lavon, you're ruining my life.

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Listen to Kingdom of Fraud on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Imagine an Olympics where doping is not only legal, but encouraged. It's the enhanced games. Some call it grotesque, others say it's unleashing human potential. Either way, the podcast Superhuman documented it all, embedded in the games and with the athletes for a full year.

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Within probably 10 days, I put on 10 pounds. I was having trouble stopping the muscle growth.

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Listen to Superhuman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Host of the main podcast episode]

Okay, so again, how we think about ourselves impacts how people see us. That much we know. Why. I've given some explanations about, like, openness and about like, people who feel good about themselves make others feel good. But part and the biggest part of the science behind why confidence is so infectious and why it makes people like us is that many of us seek out traits in a partner or in a friend that are difficult to observe directly. You know, we want somebody who is kind, who is competent, driven, liked by others and so on, and just meeting them for the first time or even a second time. Like, we have to make guesses, but someone being very confident when we meet them, that's a quality that we can measure. Like, we can quickly be like, oh yeah, this person likes themselves. And that acts as an indication of all these other worthy traits because part of us trusts that people know themselves well, or at least they know themselves better than us. Therefore, we subconsciously assume that their confidence or their lack thereof reflects their value as a partner or a friend based on an accurate self assessment. Whether that is true or not, it's something that we believe. To test this again, there was another study in 2015. It looked at how people, like, viewed and perceived potential romantic partners who were overconfident in themselves and who had a bit too much to say about themselves. Were they going to be put off by that arrogance? In this study, they specifically focused on a group of people who claimed to have knowledge of information that simply didn't exist. People who were cocky. Basically, the study had the overconfident people write up dating apps and then they had the a separate group of people, all opposite sex. Participants read those dating profiles and rate the authors. Basically, do you think this person would be attractive, the overconfident group, even though they didn't have pictures of them, even though they didn't have you Know any visual indicators? A lot of these people were like, yeah, I think that this person would be attractive. I think that this person would be, yeah, would be beautiful because of how it impacted their perceptions. Why would somebody, you know, behave this way? They weren't beautiful. You know, why would they have all this confidence if they didn't have something to back it up? That's basically the formula or basically the mechanism that some researchers and psychologists use to explain why confidence is so alluring. Basically because a confidence is a mental shortcut for assessing, for assessing how well somebody knows themselves and believing that somebody knows that they are a good person and that they are an attractive person, they are a kind person, because otherwise why would they feel this way? Obviously it kind of doesn't account for arrogance, which is why sometimes, you know, we'll find somebody really attractive until we realize, oh, wait, you really think that you're amazing. But the first, in terms of first impressions, it is very, very powerful. We can go even further with this and talk about how, talk about mirror neurons and talk about facial expressions and how basically as well, confidence is one thing. Having positive thoughts, loving yourself means that you are better able to be conscious of what other people are doing around you because you are not so critical of yourself. Essentially, you're better able to reciprocate other people's behavior because you're not self conscious. A University of Wisconsin study showed that people simulate the facial expressions of people around them. And in that, that creates emotional responsiveness in those people. Essentially, if you are less in your head, more in the present, you are more likely to reciprocate how other people are acting. And that creates a ripple effect of positive emotion in those around you. Or if you're the one who originated the smile as well, it, it signals responsiveness. It signals that you are approachable and that you are ultimately attractive because you've opened this emotional door for other people to enter. Basically, there is a connection there that says, I'm engaged, I believe in myself, I believe in you. That makes people want to. That makes people like you basically. To do a mini summary of all this, because I feel like I'm going, I'm going in circles. We like people who know themselves. We like people who think of themselves as worthwhile. We like those who are emotionally and socially reciprocal. All of those things we can change regardless of actual physical appearance, because it comes down to charisma, to getting out of our own head, and to emotional intelligence. That is really the power here. Being present, being confident, being calm. So how does this Compare to making physical changes to your appearance. Because don't get me wrong, this mental reprogramming of like, I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am hot, I look great. It takes time. Like, it takes a lot of time. And some people may prefer to just fix the insecurity that's really standing in their way. Like, normally they can be like, I feel really great about everything else, but, you know, I don't really like my nose, I don't really like my boobs, I don't really like my cheeks. They can get those surgeries. Do interventions like that that remove the initial insecurity work long term? I'm not saying do they make somebody more attractive, because they probably do it like it's something that they really want. And I'm not here to tell you what you can and can't do with your body. There's enough of that in the world. You really can do whatever you want. And I will support everybody's decision. But what I do think is important is like when we are talking about the secret sauce to confidence and the secret sauce to being attractive, is it all physical? Does surgery remove the internal insecurity? There was a study in NOI of like 1500 girls over and women, I guess, because it was over a 13 year period and it measured appearance, satisfaction, mental health, all that kind of thing at different points. And then also how many of these girls and then women got surgery? So basically time one, they were children, they were like, how insecure are you? Time to. How insecure you. And have you gotten surgery? 5% of them reported having cosmetic surgery at some point between those years. What's interesting is that those who reported high levels of depression and anxiety and insecurity were more likely to get cosmetic surgery in the first place. Afterwards, though, their levels of anxiety, their levels of depression, especially around how they looked, did not decrease. It did not go away. Having cosmetic surgery didn't help alleviate the emotional wounds for them that for a lot of them, they said had caused this pain. Being bullied, being criticized by parents. Now not all of them did this out of insecurity. I'm not saying that. But if we are driven to surgery to fix insecurity and fix anxiety, it doesn't seem to be the fix that we think it is. Another study followed 98 women and two men for two years across the US and these patients answered questions about their satisfaction, like body satisfaction, body image, self esteem, symptoms of depression as well. Before cosmetic surgery and then again afterwards or between then and when they got the surgery and Then a couple years later, each subject during the time of the study had at least 15 very popular procedures. So breast augmentations, rhinoplasties, BBLS, that sort of thing. The patients reported being satisfied with the outcome of their plastic surgery. They didn't report any increase in happiness though whatsoever. For those who did, it was very minor. It was a temporary boost. Basically, I think these studies are asking us to consider our desires for cosmetic procedures and ask ourselves if it's confidence and attractiveness I'm after. Will this actually solve my problem if I don't work on my internal sense of self love, or will my mind just keep searching for what's wrong next? Again, I'm going to say this, there's no judgment in this. I've considered cosmetic procedures myself. I will probably get one at some stage, maybe I can't say, but I probably think I will because my friends have cosmetic surgeries. I think they look fantastic and I think it was the right decision for them. It's just about addressing the root cause. Because in contrast, a study that looked at over 700 patients with body dysmorphia who were treated with cognitive behavioral therapy found that every single single one of them responded well to that treatment. And every single one of them had an improved quality of life, felt better about themselves, felt long lasting changes, not just to their well being, but to things like their confidence levels as well. That was the comparison surgery versus doing the deep inner work. Maybe doing both at the same time would be ridiculously powerful. What these studies are really saying is that there are a few layers to attractiveness. Just to summarize, there is an internal layer, there is an external layer. Being attractive is not just about performing for others or fitting within a very narrow idea of what beautiful looks like. It is also about self acceptance. That final ingredient, you can do everything you want to your body. That final ingredient brings a magnetism and that is deeply powerful and cannot be replicated. And yes, like surgeries, makeup, clothes, like contribute to that. But you also have to rewire the ways that society has taught you to hate yourself. That is a superpower. When you realize like hating myself has never made my life better, has never, never got me out of a problem, has never made me more attractive, and has never attracted the love I want. To me, it is a magic spell. That's what my aunt used to always say, like put on your magic spell, like put on your self love spell. If you cast that on yourself, it's intoxicating. When people see somebody that is truly in love with themselves and thinks they're great. That person is the most beautiful person you've ever met. Think about it. Like, what's the most beautiful person you've ever seen? Sure, they were beautiful. There was something else though, wasn't there? Like, you remember the feeling of being around them. You remember the feeling of like seeing how they walked, seeing how they spoke, seeing how they acted. Like that was the ingredient that really like made the pie. With that in mind, let's get to the advice giving part of this episode. Let's talk about four ways to rewire your self perception and therefore your physical appearance, your beauty, using your thoughts. First up, and this is one of the most powerful mechanisms for so many things. Develop a visualization ritual that transports you into a confident state by conjuring like an internal vision of how you want to be perceived. Make it magical, make it wonderful. I'm going to give you some examples. This is going to explain this better. The best one out there is the golden orb exercise. I've spoken about this before, but if you want to feel more confident, imagine a golden bright orb sitting right in your heart, emanating from your chest. And with each breath, it goes a few inches wider, a few inches wider until it starts to engulf people. Bring people into the fold, make them feel just pulled towards you. Some people also think about it like a force field, as like a magnet. Like, this is your secret armor, that mental visualization of like, I'm go, I'm going to project my mind outwards to bring people inwards. That brings a glow that makes people attracted to you because of how you are thinking about yourself in the context of them. These visualization rituals leverage something that we call embodied cognition. So when you imagine, when you visualize energy radiating from your body or protecting you like an armor, your brain treats that as the truth. That filters into your conscious thoughts, that filters into your deliberate behavior. Meaning you shift your posture, meaning you shift your breathing. Meaning that your attention really begins to be more finely tuned. Meaning you pay attention to things about yourself that you like. It also, just on a physical level, like changes muscle tension, changes heart rate. This all feeds back into the emotional experience of making you feel more powerful, therefore changing how you physically present as powerful and confident. Another thing I've done in the past is that before I've walked into a date, before I've walked into a room, a meeting, a party, I give myself three compliments. I am smart. I have great hair. I don't know, I have great eyes, things like that. I force myself to give myself those compliments and then walk in because that's grounding. That is a very powerful form of cognitive priming. You enter a room now looking for evidence that people are responding to you in a positive way because you have primed your mind to be receiving of that. You have primed your mind to feel beautiful. I generally find that just reminding myself of my positive qualities also becomes quite a self fulfilling prophecy. I can go into a situation reminded of my good sense of humor, reminded of my ability to listen to and it gives me a little mental nudge to be more present, to be like, to be trusting of this unconscious or subconscious part of me that's going to take over and mean that I will be okay. Because in the past I've always been okay. And even if I haven't, I have. I now have new skills. Next, it can be useful to turn your self care routine into a kind of ritual or ceremony that's less on fixating about how the world thinks you look or how you present and more about 60 spending time with yourself. Having a quiet moment whilst you're doing a face mask, whilst you're brushing your teeth, whilst you're doing brushing your hair. Whatever this is practices of self love. With each movement, think of that action as. As a token of appreciation, as a form of love. Imagine you are brushing your hair. It's the hair of your childhood self. Imagine it's little you sitting in front of you and you're brushing your hair out of love. Imagine cooking a nourishing meal for the most gentlest parts of yourself. Making your bed nice and comfy or neat. As a deep act of devotion to yourself. You are worthy of being treated nicely. You are worthy of being adored. You are a creature of softness and beauty. Treat yourself as such. Literally act towards yourself with the most purest form of endearment and kindness and love and devotion and loyalty so that your brain begins to internalize. We are worthy of this behavior. We are worthy of being treated this way. Because we are a beautiful, magical, wonderful person. Okay, I have a couple final tips. We're going to take one more short break before we get into them. Stay with us. Let's talk about the role of exercise in making you more attractive. And not in the way you think, not in like the excessive cardio way, in the mental way. Exercise and movement make you more attractive because of the appreciation they create for our bodies and the neutrality and the gratitude we develop towards our physical form and what it is capable of instead of what it could do better and how it could look better. And how it fails us in, in terms of beauty. If you cannot love your body as it is, as you want it to be, at least respect it for what it allows you to see, enjoy, witness, move through movement. And exercise connects you with that deeper appreciation that translates into good habits, translates into confidence, translates into health. This doesn't have to be exercise. This could be something you do with your hands, like pottery, something you do with your legs. Hiking, carrying heavy grocery bags, climbing, life drawing, being a nude model, like something more embodied, like dancing. Anything at all that challenges the idea that your body only exists to carry around your brain or to be looked at or to be critiqued is so important. And having a healthy relationship with movement is something that really fuels your soul, makes you feel alive, brings energy back into your body, is incredibly, biologically powerful as well as psychologically powerful. Even just connecting with your body on a sensory level, disconnecting from it is something that needs to be witnessed and something that needs to be experienced, is just so powerful because you really. Yeah, it's that gratitude thing. But you stop being in this mindset of feeling, constantly monitored. And again, I think I've really nailed this a few times now, this home, but I'm going to do it one more time. Like, when you are obsessed with your physical appearance, when you are obsessed with how you look, you are immediately less attractive because you are distracted, right? You are distracted because you are constantly monitoring how other people are seeing you. You're not connecting with them, you're not making eye contact, you're not thinking or you're not interested or interesting. Like, you are just internalized. Like, you are just. You're shutting down into like, really rapid and harsh self assessment. In contrast, like, genuinely being like, my form is just the vessel through which I live my life. It is just how I do things and how I go about experiencing things. That is what builds attractiveness, because you are able to be more present and therefore more confident and more engaged with other people. Sorry to go on a rant with that, but finally, my final thing, instead of focusing on how to look, smacks what needs to be tweaked, what needs to be changed, what weight needs to be gained or lost. Like, similar to what I just said, work on making yourself more interesting, more interesting to yourself, more interested in others. This is the most alluring quality you can have. Interesting people are fascinating and people who show a deep desire to know others and who make eye contact and who remember people's names and remember the trips they just went on. And remember the fun facts that they told them who are interested in their stories. Those people have game. Like people want to be around people like that. How many times have you met someone who you didn't immediately think was attractive? Then you like saw them talk about something they really cared about, or you saw them like make everybody laugh and you were like, oh my God, like hey, okay, like hello. Like that person is. That person looks and feels good. If you want to be more attractive, have something you care about, have something you can rant about. Have a cause that you dedicate time to. The most attractive thing somebody can be is interested and interesting. Like have the hobby. Have some, have a deep dive, have a Wikipedia page you know everything about. Like it's a grounding part of your identity. What it really is is that people look at you and they're like, oh, they know themselves so well. They cannot be disturbed by anything I have to say. Like that person isn't even worth trying to make feel bad. They know themselves. I also think, like being a great conversationalist also comes into this as well. People we've seen love people who reciprocate. They also love people who make them feel seen. Like it's. It goes beyond confident. If you can't be confident, be intrigued. Leave pauses in conversation. Remember that every great conversationalist you have met has learned that skill. It is a skill. It is a skill of non verbal communication. It is a skill of appreciating silence. It is a skill of the two to one question ratio of never forgetting a name, never forgetting a detail, concentrating on one person at a time. If you cannot be objectively attractive, be confident. If you cannot be confident, be a great conversationalist. There is a science to having great conversations. There's a system, I should say. And you can then learn, you can learn to embody that. You can learn to engage and talk to anybody in any single room. And that immediately, I think makes you more beautiful and more of a pure, enlightened, fabulous person to be around. Because you make people feel human and feel seen, which is all we ever really want. Finally, finally. I know I said finally like six times now, but definitely finally. I just need you to remember as much as we think that beauty is objective, there is large, like a large part of it is subjective. Just because you look different from the current beauty standard, just because you will never have that nose, never have that physique, never have whatever that person has, those muscles, doesn't mean that like you are not a beautiful person. I really do think the world is moving towards uniqueness rather than like straight up and down cookie cutter beauty. Like that is the biggest asset you have. That you are a little bit different, that you are somebody who is enigmatic in that they know themselves. Like that is one of the longest lasting gifts you can give yourself. To love yourself so deeply that it becomes a feature of how people see you. And it becomes and it is represented physically in like the sun that shines out of your face. It is represented physically in how your skin feels, how your hair looks, how your nervous system is regulated. The more you tend to your inner life, the bigger the world around you becomes. And it's not just about romantic interest. It's not just about whether people find you attractive. It's about the spaces that you put yourself in. It's about the opportunities and luck that come your way. Again, we can worry as much, we can worry till the cows come home about whether that person finds us hot, about whether you know, wherever going to be that size, look that way. And at the end of the day it's important. But it really doesn't matter all that much because are you having fun? Are you enjoying yourself? Do you feel lucky to be alive? Do you really engage? Are you interested and interesting to other people? That's going to get you so much further than just having good looks. Honestly. If the, if the evidence hasn't proven it enough, hopefully you can. You get evidence through experience and you see how life changing that is like how life changing it is to reprogram yourself out of self hatred and into self love. So thank you for listening to this episode. I know I went on a lot of little rants. I know that I covered so many things. So if you're still here, thank you for being a loyal listener. Leave a little emoji down below. What's our emoji gonna be of the day? Oh, surely a golden orb, surely a little sun emoji, surely a little star emoji to represent our golden orb exercise. Make sure that you, if you are listen, have perhaps checked us out on Netflix. Yes, we are on Netflix now. We have so many episodes over there. If you are in the mood to catch up on a little bit of video podcasting, you can also follow us on Instagram. Make sure you are following wherever you are listening right now so you get new episodes directly to your feed. You guys know the deal. It's all in the description. There's so many links down there at this stage that you could get lost. But yeah, go and check it out. And thank you as always, to our researcher, Lucy Davidson, for her help and contributions and research with this episode. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. This is an I Heart podcast, guaranteed human.