← The Psychology of your 20s
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- [00:00]
Gemma Spake
Have you ever felt that uneasy anxiety when the 4pm hour strikes? Like the creeping meal related distress that happens when you don't quite feel prepared? You know, the dinner dread. Let's get rid of that unpleasant feeling forever with one word. Stouffers. No matter what happens, you'll have a dinner plan that everyone loves with Stouffer's, some chicken enchiladas, or a cheesy chicken and broccoli Pasta. Bake is always welcome, whether it's Plan A or Plan Delicious. When the clock strikes breakfast dinner, think Stouffers. Shop now for family favorites ChatGPT plus is free for college students now through May. That means you have no limits on how many ways you can prompt Chat GBT to help you through the worst parts of the school year. I remember when I was starting at university, I had a lecturer tell me the best way to prep for an exam was to explain the concept as if you were teaching it to yourself. And with Chat gbt you can upload your class notes and have Chat GBT quiz you yourself. Just like that. And honestly, it would have been a game changer for me when I was back at college. So chatgpt plus free for college students through May. Restrictions apply. We're leaving today and entering a world of Cinderella Castle, sightseeing, Tron Light cycling, Jungle Cruise, punning Pirate, swashbuckling Everest, climbing, Dapper Danning, Danning, Dunning, soaring, soaring, fireworks, show of I'm not crying. You're CR World of Favorites for whatever you love, infinite worlds await at the most magical place on Earth. Walt Disney World Resort.
- [01:45]
Dr. Laurie Santos
Every step, every mile, every course. At the Boston Marathon presented by bank of America, thousands of athletes are running to make an impact. Some are racing for a cure, others for their communities, but all are running for something more than time. Join bank of America in supporting athletes who are running for a cause. Find a runner, help a cause and give if you can, @bofa.com helpacause what would you like the power to do? Bank of America hello everybody.
- [02:20]
Gemma Spake
Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today's episode, though you may have already noticed, is a rerun. So over the next two weeks I am putting out some of my best episodes from the last four years of almost non stop podcasting as I just take some time away to launch my debut book Person in A Roadmap to the psychology of your twenties. Do not fret. I will be back on the 29th of April. But I just wanted to give my book a little bit of extra love these next two weeks because it's a big deal and I'm not going to talk about it too much. I'm sure you're just here to listen to the podcast and probably sick of me talking about it, but I just want to say thank you. I want to say a huge thank you for allowing me to write this book and put it out in the world. This is only possible because of you all, because of you guys, the listeners. Literally. That's it. That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And I've wanted to be an author since I was five, 20 years later. You guys made that happen for me. So just thank you. Thank you so much. I would obviously love it if you could pre order it, buy it, gift it to a friend. But you've already done so much and I just feel honored to have had this opportunity. Most of all, I'm just really pumped for you guys to read it. I hope that you learn something. I'm sure if you love the podcast you will love Person in Progress as well. But it's a really exciting time and the main feeling I have right now is one of gratitude. So thank you so much. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this rerun of one of my favourite all time episodes. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s. The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode. As we of course break down the psychology of our 20s today, I'm going to cut straight to it. Let's talk about self doubt. Let's talk about the negative beliefs that we all kind of have about ourselves, that we carry through life whether we are aware of it or not. Doubts about our worth, doubts about our talent, how deserving we are, our intelligence. Just a couple, just to name a few. All of which end up really restricting our potential. And they manifest in indecisiveness, in procrastination, self sabotage and disappointment. I think it's a really rude awakening when you realize that so often the person who secretly is holding us back from so many of our visions and our dreams about the future and about our lives is us. The person who is saying no is us. The person rejecting us without ever giving Us a chance is, you guessed it, ourselves. It's not always conscious, nor is it our fault. From a very early age, we get implanted with these false ideas of what makes us worthy and what we deserve, whether it's from our families, our childhood environment, our peers, myths that society tells us about who gets to be successful and praised versus who doesn't. Even some of the setbacks and failures that we experience pretty early on that really stay with us. And these experiences become those false beliefs within us that in turn create a core part of our self concept and our self worth. And it kind of sets up this weird cycle where in order to disperse those beliefs, we have to try harder, push ourselves harder, be something that we're not and that inevitably most of the time doesn't end up working. If we are never made aware of that, it can really end up putting a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting our compass, disrupting the trust that we have in ourselves. I know this from my own experience as a teenager and very much into my early 20s. I was so uncomfortable with who I was. I doubted about nearly every single thing that I did, from, you know, my academics, to my romantic life, to my like, creativity to my friendships. And so I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there. Before I'd even begun, I was already telling myself that I was going to fail. And it, you know, went right to the top in terms of big decisions, like not applying for jobs that I may have gotten, not applying for scholarships that I may have gotten, not taking risks, but also small decisions, decisions like what would I wear to class, who would I speak to? And I look back at that chapter with so much, I think, sadness, but also empathy for that version of me who was just crippled by self doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves, was so obsessed with being perfect, never believed that she would be. But in the last decade, I don't want to say that I've been on a journey because that sounds so mystical and religious, but in many ways I have this journey of realizing that life is short, the world is so big, people are so swept up in themselves that no one is making the rules. No one is saying you can't more than you. And when you realize that, when you realize that you're in your own way, is when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and reinvent your life and actually do things that take courage that you're genuinely proud of and actually listen to your intuition. So that is exactly what I want to talk about today when I want to hopefully teach you today how to silence yourself doubt out. We're going to discuss the origins of those negative false beliefs. How it shows up in, you know, very invisible ways, why it can create a self fulfilling prophecy, but above all else, how we can leverage the psychology, the science, our knowledge about how we motivate ourselves versus how we handicap ourselves to really push beyond our limiting beliefs. We have so much to discuss today. This episode has been on my mind for a long, long time, so I'm excited to share it and hopefully show you what has helped me help you learn from this as well. So without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why we doubt ourselves and how to silence those false beliefs. Everybody has been here. Traffic was a nightmare. You get home late and your dinner plans are out the window. When you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying I'm hungry. That's when dinner dread sets in. What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it doesn't have to be because a delicious, family pleasing meal from Stouffer's is only a ding away. So if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry. Just turn to a delicious solution from Stouffer's. A meal that will always leave everyone happy. Especially you. Maybe some chicken enchiladas? Spaghetti with meat sauce is obviously always a winner. Or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake? Yes please. When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. Shop now for family favorites. ChatGPT plus is free for college students now through May. That means you have no limits on how many ways you can prompt ChatGPT to help you through some of the worst parts of the school year. There are There are so many ways that you can use ChatGPT that are innovative and useful. Like asking ChatGPT to quiz you for an upcoming exam based on your notes, turning complicated terms and theories into simple dot points to help you remember them by even coming up with interview questions. If you are preparing to apply for some graduate roles or full time work, it could even help you create images to elevate your notes or just simply to have fun. Honestly, I wish I had had this back when I was studying. It would have been an absolute game changer for me. ChatGPT plus it's free for college students through May. Restrictions apply.
- [11:03]
Dr. Laurie Santos
This is Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab. Every Runner has a Reason, A Goal A story at the Boston Marathon presented by bank of America. There are thousands of athletes who are running for something more than time. This iconic race isn't just about 26.2 miles. It's about making a difference. Runners from all walks of life are pushing their limits on one of the world's most famous courses, and many are doing it to fundraise for causes close to their hearts. No matter how you're involved, whether you're running supporting from the sidelines or just inspired by the cause, your contributions are making a difference. The countdown to race day is on. Join bank of America in supporting the incredible runners, their causes and help them reach their fundraising goals. Together, we can make a real difference. Give if you can@bofa.com helpacause references to charitable organizations are not an endorsement by bank of America corporations. Copyright 2025 bring spring to your door.
- [12:04]
Target Advertiser
With Target Circle360 get all you need for Easter hosting spring get togethers and more with unlimited same day delivery Through Target Circle 360 from Easter Basket goodies to fresh florals, getting everything the same day is easy. Open the Target app and bring the magic of the season to your door with unlimited same day Delivery through Target Circle360. Visit target.com circle or the Target app for more details. Subscription required. Same day delivery is subject to terms applies to orders over $35 when we.
- [12:34]
Gemma Spake
Say that we are struggling with self doubt, that can mean a few things. Perhaps it's that you feel really unqualified at your job or at you doubt the position you're in. Maybe you're in a leadership role, maybe you're not. You feel insecure about your appearance. You doubt whether anyone will ever find you attractive. You doubt yourself when you speak up, when you contribute, when you interact with others. Maybe you compensate for that by seeking constant reassurance. When it comes to making a decision about your future, or even small everyday decisions, you might procrastinate not because you're lazy, not because you're indecisive, because you aren't confident in your ability to choose correctly. This list could go on. Basically, it's not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, hesitating to start something new because you might not be perfect from the get go imposter syndrome. We're going to get to that later. All of these individual experiences are what make up what we would call self doubt. What it all boils down to is a lack or a loss of trust in yourself and your own abilities. Each of us has this internal compass that not only guides us, but is guided by our deeply rooted beliefs about our value. And that value is what gives us Confidence to forge ahead. Confidence to believe in what we're doing. Confidence to hold ourselves highly. When we experience overwhelming self doubt, it indicates that that compass is broken. It's starting between north and south. And that's what doubt is. At the end of the day, indecision. You know, one moment I'm worthy, the next moment, no I'm not. I'm talented. No, I'm, I should choose a path. Or maybe I should choose path A. No, path B. I'm not sure. And this compass doesn't get broken on its own. No one is born doubting themselves. If you are around children, you will see as soon as they can start crawling, how they dart forward or they climb any surface and they never realize that they can fall. And they have this uncontrollable desire to be curious and to explore and to experiment. They never once question their instincts. As we gain greater self awareness, though, obviously, obviously sometimes our doubts are for our own good. But also external forces begin to intrude and they begin to cause us to question ourselves, starting with what always tends to be our main culprit, which is our parents and our childhood environment. I know it sounds really, really obvious to say, but our early childhood years are so formative. Our brain is like this big sponge, this big canvas that is taking in everything that is thrown at it, whether that is positive or not. And there are of course some experiences that are more significant, especially when they relate to the bond that we share with our primary caregiver because we are, you know, biologically and naturally attuned to pay closer attention to those in which we have a secure, maybe insecure attachment to. So excessive parental criticism for one can cause us to really doubt ourselves from quite an early age. If you have a parent, if you still have a parent who is overly critical of you, nothing is good enough. You disappoint them, you annoy them, you don't live up to their expectations. And they let you know that beyond just kind guidance through scolding, never giving you praise even, you know, even when you try your hardest to do what they want, you end up thinking, you know, if this person doesn't love me for what I'm trying to do, am I even worthy of love? Can I even trust myself? I want to please them so much, but I, I, I don't know how, even when I try. This causes us to really second guess everything because we become afraid of misstepping and we begin to internalize the lack of support or the words that they say and the seeds of self doubt. Are really kind of sewn at that moment. This can also emerge when we are compared to siblings, for example, and we again internalize a belief that compared to them, compared to this rivalry that is set up between we will never measure up, we will never be good enough for our parents. They will always have a favorite, and that favorite will never be us. And that again creates self doubt. The final example I'll give of this, which kind of underlines all of the previous examples, but it's basically when there are these high expectations that we can never meet. And it's not that when we don't meet them, we're still met with love. When we don't meet them, we are perhaps met with criticism, neglect, punishment, some kind of, I don't know, behavior or like, discipline that actually undermines who we are. And our sense of value does begin to weaken in response to that. In fact, according to research by the University of Nevada, a big factor that actually contributes to imposter syndrome later in life is hypercritical parents. Hypercritical parents who, no matter what you did, the accolades, the achievements, fawning, trying so hard to please them, it was never good enough. And so once again, your compass loses direction. That is one set of experiences that contributes to a very innate lack of belief in ourselves. But it's not just our parents, it's our peers that obviously also make up a big part of that early environment. And you know what? I don't think our peers get enough credit for some of the pain that they cause, if we can even call it credit. Next to our parents, our peers are like the biggest influence. And their influence is sometimes A, not positive, but B, just tends to increase the older we get when we get into our teen years, the people that we are mainly concerned with impressing are our friends. The way that I could go on about the impact of childhood bullying on adult self esteem, this episode would be hours long. Because it's not spoken about. We often tend to think of, you know, once we leave that environment, once we leave school behind, once we leave our bullies behind, oh my gosh, we can kind of wash our hands of this. We're done. We can move forward. All of those negative emotional reactions disappear. But if you went through that 10, 15 years ago, during that really, really vulnerable period that we all go through, you know, during that really formative period. It's not like those experiences of being bullied, of being excluded, of being, you know, socially, physically, verbally. I don't like the term abused, but yeah, bullied. Those experiences don't necessarily go away. And you know, 15 years on, you might still hear those voices in your head when you're trying something new or when you're going for a promotion at work, when you're trying to push beyond your own limits and extend because those voices were just so loud during a time when your self concept was being formed. You know, being bullied, whether that is physical or verbal or social or you know, exclusion that has been shown to quite literally change the brain due to an increased exposure to the stress hormone cortisol during that period during our adolescence where our neurons are wiring and rewiring quite rapidly. What that basically means is that the brain of someone who was bullied versus the brain of someone who wasn't are going to look very different. Specifically in the regions that process danger in our environment, specifically in our emotional brain circuits like the amygdala that processes fear and the areas of our brain that process a specific kind of pain called social pain. The pain that follows experiences of rejection, of loss of ostrac. When they looked at the long term consequences of this, people bullied as children showed heightened levels of social anxiety, heightened levels of perfectionism, and of course, self doubt during that time. I think we can all kind of remember this. We really, really care about what others think about us. We really care about whether we have enough friends. We really care about what the cool girl, the cool guy like, whether they think that we're also cool. Like it's just this constant social anxiety that is buzzing below the surface. And when people around you drill away at your confidence, whether that is teasing, whether that is, you know, criticizing you, whether that is sly comments about your grades, your clothes, you lose that innate trust you have in yourself and you lose that kind of innate trust you have in your value and you withdraw. You shelter yourself away from potentially being hurt again or being bruised again by these same people or same experiences. And the way that you shelter yourself is by no longer showing up, by no longer putting yourself out there. Because what this has taught you is that when you do that, you open yourself up to the potential to be hurt, to the potential to be excluded or isolated or criticized. And you don't want to, you don't want to endure that. It's painful. So the easiest way to not endure that is to not ever put yourself out there. This is because I think, think one aspect of self doubt we haven't spoken on yet is that it really is a form of self protection. It is a psychological defense mechanism because it shields us from potentially negative outcomes. Or emotional pain, by being extremely cautious, by asking us to double check, by asking us to play it safe and to keep ourselves in a place of comfort rather than discomfort. You know, kids are so cruel. And it's quite sad to think that despite all of us being so young at the time, we were capable of doing this semi long term damage to how we see ourselves and the world because of that childhood cruelty and the impact that this has on our self. Doubt is definitely heightened when you already have innate personality traits like perfectionism, or you're a sensitive soul, or you have a high baseline level for anxiety. If you are a sensitive kid. I'll go back to that example. Like I was like I'm sure many of us were. These things can be incredibly hard to forget. And also our memory is often more attuned to negative experiences. We have a negativity bias. So if you're still feeling like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or a teenage bully, I honestly think that that is quite a valid thing for you to be experiencing. I think that those experiences don't disappear as fast as most people would lead us to believe. Another thing that really causes us to get buried in self doubt, especially the older we get, especially when we are in our late teenage years, early 20s, are toxic or chaotic relationships when it comes to love. I know it sounds so obvious, but you know, that is where we are most vulnerable. And so when we trust somebody or when we really want them to return our attention and our affection and that turns around and becomes insults, or they reject us, or they treat us like we're too much, that we're second best, that does some real emotional damage. And we talked about this on last week's episode on Red Flags. There was a 2019 study that we referenced that showed how negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of our sense of self esteem. And our self esteem is a primary contributing factor to our sense of self doubt. This makes a lot of sense for anyone who has unfortunately had an experience with someone you cared about or who you liked, has been the same person. To break down your confidence, you really end up losing trust in yourself because you feel like, how could I have been so wrong about someone? Even though it's not your fault, it all comes back to wait, this was a choice for me. I chose someone who was going to maybe treat me like this, or what if what they're saying is true, If I really like them, there must be something good about them. They must know something about me that I don't so it's those early romantic relationships, even our recent romantic relationships, that can once again, really furrow into our brain and make us doubt almost everything that we choose to do. Beyond that, we also have experiences of failure and of setbacks. And, you know, our 20s are right for them because it is definitely one of the first times. It is the first time that we are truly independent, and we don't have the safety net of our parents or our teachers or of school to catch us. So our moves, our behaviors, they're all our own. And sometimes it just doesn't go our way, and that causes us to retreat and doubt the compass. There will be times in which we did our best. We did what we thought was right, and it did not go according to plan. We all have them. I remember a few instances like this one was when I went for this scholarship at my university. Thought I did great, didn't get it, got knocked back. And that was something that I ended up being really grateful for. But that's a story for another time. And another example I was thinking of was when I worked really hard on this assignment, and it was like one of my first assignments at uni, and I got a 55% then that is a small setback in the scheme of things. I could not tell you what the paper was about. I could not tell you the opening sentence. I could not tell you, like, anything to do with that paper. But I remember that I got that grade, and that grade made me question everything about who I thought I was. I thought that I was smart. I thought that, you know, that I was ambitious. I thought that I. I was adaptable. And this kind of proved me otherwise. And how could I trust my judgment now? It really didn't help that I was in this competitive atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be doing so well. Everyone was succeeding. It was just me who couldn't. Couldn't keep up. And I wanted to kind of prove that I deserve to be there. And obviously, in my mind, when I got that 55%, I proved the opposite. I proved to myself that I did not deserve to be there. In the months after that, I remember actually this really specific instance of writing this other essay and going back and forth and back and forth on the opening line, almost feeling like I was going to cry, feeling paralyzed by this paper, like, is this good? I think it is. I think this is good. But how can I tell? Because I thought that my last paper was good, and I was wrong. And this leads back to imposter syndrome. You want to know something really Ironic, but also quite, quite funny. I find it funny, at least my very first episode of this podcast was on imposter syndrome. That was over three years ago, and I don't think I have gotten any better at dealing with it, despite all the years of work that I've done. Imposter syndrome is rooted in a lot of that doubt that comes from a lot of those really core memories in core experiences. And no matter how much you prove to yourself that you deserve your successes, your achievements, no matter how far you push yourself, how much you do, how much you achieve, you are constantly followed by this fear that one day the people around you or the people that matter are going to realize that you are a fraud. You are waiting for this other shoe to drop, despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and really deserving. But because you don't trust your own assessments, you can have all the evidence in the world, all the praise, all the promotions, everything, and you will still feel like you tricked somebody. You will still feel like somebody made a mistake or you just got lucky. The problem with imposter syndrome is that the experience of doing well at something does not change your beliefs. That thought still nags in the back of your head. You know what gives me the right to be here? The more you accomplish, the more you actually feel like a fraud, the more you feel like you've tricked even more people. It's as though you can't internalize your experience of success. At the end of the day, it's self doubt. It's never feeling good enough. It's never feeling like you have the right to be where you are, are that Imposter syndrome can push us to one end of the spectrum where we are so focused on overachieving and pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burning out. We end up not being able to be achieve anything that we want to because we are so exhausted. And on the other hand, it can also push us to the other end of the spectrum where we self sabotage or we self handicap. There is this quote that perfectly summarizes this for me. People never rise above the opinions of themselves. That is so harsh, but it is so true. And it is exactly what I mean by self handicapping and self sabotaging. If your opinion is that you are undeserving, that you don't know what you're doing, that you are out of place, people know you're a fraud, you're not good enough. The list goes on. When the chance comes for you to prove otherwise and to step into a version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs are wrong. It is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of your beliefs that you self handicap. Self handicapping is a behavioral response to feeling uncertain about our abilities where we unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors that protect us from feeling inadequate. You know, if you're already going to fail, why not fail on your own terms to avoid the embarrassment of putting yourself out there? Why apply for that job you objectively are perfect for if you believe you're going to be rejected? Why post that photo or put yourself out there online if you know people are already going to laugh at it? Why ask that person on a date when you know they'll say no? Why not just save yourself the awkwardness? You know, it shows up in so many ways. Hopefully you get what I'm getting at. Self doubt, when uncontained, causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our potential by letting sometimes life changing opportunities pass us by and not acting because we can't possibly think that they'd be for somebody like us. The other way that this manifests is in indecisiveness, which some people would actually argue is a form of self sabotage or a form of self handicapping. An unconscious form of that, you know, indecisiveness involves very much overthinking and over analyzing our decisions before we make them, perhaps to the point that we never do. Obviously it's a good thing to think through your decisions. It's good to have some healthy level of skepticism and humility. Otherwise we do veer too far into the path of arrogance. But if we are actually just scared to fail, or if we are actually just scared of making the wrong decision because we don't trust our ability to meet the demands of this new chapter of this new opportunity, we are actually self abandoning before we even gave ourselves a chance. And it's devastating that we are the ones who said no through our indecisiveness before anybody else could. We were our kind of of biggest enemies in those moments without perhaps even realizing it. Because in our mind we were just trying to make the right decision. We were just trying to really weigh up all the pros and cons. But actually that analysis paralysis is a way of making sure that we never have to push past the discomfort of proving our self doubts wrong. It's interesting because people might call these kinds of individuals lazy, or we might might, you know, call them procrastinators, because at face value, maybe that's what it looks like, but underneath it all is this belief system that has become rotten by insecurity, that is invisible to everyone around us and is, you know, the voice of that is our inner critic. The voice of that is this very loud nagging sound in our head of like, you can't do that. You're not cool, good, you're not good enough. Imagine everything that could go wrong. Imagine when somebody, somebody important is going to realize that you've lied, that you're a fraud, that you can't perform. Knowing what this may be costing us, you know, our dream life, a rich life, love, friendship, money, opportunities. What do we do about it? How do we silence that voice, that inner critic, that self doubt. I have so many tips for you. So many tips coming up, including the power of a Persona, the power of an alter ego, why we need exposure to failure, and why we should be doubting our self doubts. All of that and more after this short break. Everybody has been here. Traffic was a nightmare. You get home late and your dinner plans are out the window. When you hear the inevitable tiny voice saying I'm hungry. That's when dinner dread sets in. What are you going to make tonight? How can such a simple question be so hard to answer? Well, it doesn't have to be because a delicious, family pleasing meal from Stouffer's is only a ding away. So if your dinner plans are derailed, don't worry. Just turn to a delicious solution from Stouffer's. A meal that will always leave everyone happy, especially you. Maybe some chicken enchiladas, Spaghetti with meat sauce. Sauce is obviously always a winner. Or how about some cheesy chicken and broccoli pasta bake? Yes please. When the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's shop now for family favorites. ChatGPT plus is free for college students now through May. That means you have no limits on how many ways you can prompt Chat GBT to help you through some of the worst parts of the school year. There are so many ways that you can use Chat GPT that are innovative and useful. Like asking ChatGPT to quiz you for an upcoming exam based on your notes. Turning complicated terms and theories into simple dot points to help you remember them by even coming up with interview questions. If you are preparing to apply for some graduate roles or full time work, it can even help you create images to elevate your notes or just simply to have fun. Honestly, I wish I had had this back when I was studying. It would have been an absolute, absolute game changer for me. ChatGPT plus it's free for college students through may restrictions apply.
- [35:45]
Dr. Laurie Santos
This is Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab. Every runner has a reason, a Goal, A story at the Boston Marathon presented by bank of America, there are thousands of athletes who are running for something more than time. This iconic race isn't just about 26.2 miles. It's about making a difference. Runners from all walks of life are pushing their limits on one of the world's most famous courses, and many are doing it to fundraise for causes close to their hearts. No matter how you're involved, whether you're running supporting from the sidelines or just inspired by the cause, your contributions are making a difference. The countdown to race day is on. Join bank of America in supporting the incredible runners, their causes and help them reach their fundraising goals. Goals Together we can make a real difference. Give if you can@bofa.com helpacause references to charitable organizations are not an endorsement by bank of America corporations. Copyright 2025.
- [36:45]
Target Advertiser
Bring Spring to your door with Target Circle 360. Get all you need for Easter hosting spring get togethers and more with unlimited same day Delivery through Target Circle360. From Easter basketball goodies to fresh florals, getting everything the same day is easy. Open the Target app and bring the magic of the season to your door with unlimited same day Delivery through Target Circle360. Visit target.com circle or the Target app for more details. Subscription required. Same day delivery is subject to terms applies to orders over $35.
- [37:16]
Gemma Spake
Knowing that we have negative doubts about ourselves is one thing. I think addressing them is a whole other beast. Because we are essentially now tasked with undoing a whole belief system, one which, you know, the evidence would tell us has been around for many, many years, probably longer than we have been aware of it. So let's break down how we can kind of regain control over your self doubt. Firstly, really go behind your negative thoughts and your negative self beliefs and ask what are you actually afraid of? What are your doubts supposedly warning you of? What are they protecting you from? What is this fear trying to tell you? Like we said before, you know, self doubt is a form of self protection. It's saying, you know, failure in this circumstance is scary, judgment is scary and we don't want to be exposed to that. So let's play it safe. And what I want you to do is almost like a pro con analysis of what it would mean to listen to those self doubts and live with the fear or to live in spite of it. Let me give you an example. Say you are thinking of Moving to a new city, but you've been going back and forth on it for the last six months. You're doubting yourself. You know, can I do this alone? Am I the kind of person who does these things? Will I have to return in six months and admit that I failed, that I couldn't find a job, that I couldn't adapt, that I couldn't make new friends? What are people going to think of me? Some days you think you can do it and other days you don't think you can. You experience that really awful drop in self confidence and so you hold off making the decision, but you feel like you're doing something because you're constantly analyzing and trying to essentially determine, do I believe in myself enough to do this? What you might actually be afraid of, what might be fueling this self doubt is actually more complex. You're not just scared of failing, but you are scared of what others think. You're scared of proving to yourself that you're not capable. You're scared of loneliness, you're scared of your ability to tolerate and uncertainty. But what is the worst thing that uncertainty or loneliness or change or transition can really do to you? Truly? You'll feel uncomfortable, yes, but you also won't grow. It might be hard, it will take courage. But in a year's time you'll look back and think, I'm so glad that I did this now. And those memories are going to last for a long time. When you actually go behind your self doubt behind why you question your ability to do something and you look at what fears are holding up that belief, you realize that what your self doubt is trying to protect you from is not as scary as what it is protecting you from not doing. If that makes sense. The same goes for things at work or uni, professionally in your career. What are you actually afraid of? What are your self doubts trying to protect you from? By not going for that promotion, by not applying for that job, by not, you know, starting your own business or creating something new or putting yourself out there? Is it embarrassment? Is it being seen and perceived by others? Is it failure? Is it proving to yourself what you always thought that you don't deserve it anyways? Again, firstly, those fears are probably 99% of the time not going to happen. You're not going to embarrass yourself, you're not going to be perceived by others in a negative way that it's going to harm you. But if they do, is it worse than never trying at all? Is the fear of the possibility of Something bad happening worth the opportunity of something really good happening. That can be hard to put into practice, by the way. I absolutely understand. But one of the ways that I do it is by personifying my self doubt and speaking directly to it with compassion and gratitude. I know this sounds really silly, but just try it. Say to yourself, doubt. Like, hey, I really appreciate you looking out for me. That is so nice of you. Thank you so much for anticipating those things. I really appreciate all the extra work that you're doing, but I've got it from here. I'm gonna do it anyways. And we can, we can revisit later on. We'll circle back. The thing to remember is that you are your self doubts, you own them, they come from you. And so you can say no to them as well. You can say, yeah, no, I actually don't believe that. Sorry. Actually, no, like that's probably not going to happen. So thank you for that thought. You're wrong. Moving on. The other thing that really helps me with this and helps me put things into perspective is to remind myself that other people, people that I admire pretty much have the same internal self skepticism and doubts as me. It's very easy to compare ourselves to the people around us, these incredibly successful people, and kind of believe that the only reason they have what we dream of is because they were always confident in their ability to do so, or that everything has worked out for them. That have none of these self doubts when actually so many of the greats, so many of the people we really admire have had setbacks, they have had crippling doubts that they have had to overcome to be who they are now. The person I always think of when it comes to this is Simone Biles. The Olympics are coming up. She's a great example. She's the most decorated gymnast, the most, one of the most accomplished Olympians in history. And a few years back she gave this interview saying that there had been so many times when she didn't think that she was good enough, when she was so hypercritical of her performance that in her words, she couldn't remember a day where she didn't cry. We each come to our dreams and our desires and our plans with doubts. Even those who you would never believe would falter or for one second think that they weren't great because they are the best. Imposter syndrome still strikes them down. It's like the natural equalizer. And when you realize that even these incredible athletes, incredible people have these feelings, you also begin to realize that maybe the only difference between them and maybe the people who aren't on that podium, maybe us, is that they didn't let that fear at the root of their self doubt overwhelm them. Here is the other reason why I think having these kinds of realistic idols and seeing these examples and hearing them speak about it is so helpful for soothing our self doubts. It really helps us ask the question, you know, why not me? Why can't I have that? Why can't I be her? Why can't I dream big? Or take the chances that they have? Because we have the same self doubts. They've just found a place for them. They've set the example, they have proven that it's possible. And now it's kind of your turn. Maybe you don't want to be an Olympic gymnast, but you know, whatever it is that you are striving towards, there is an example of somebody in that profession or in your career who has experienced the most crippling form of self doubt and pushed people beyond it. And I want us to just sit for a second and really ponder that question. Whatever it is that your self doubt is keeping you back from, why not you? And I want you to give me at least three reasons. Chances are you can't. Because your fear and your self doubt is not actually rational. It's just kind of betting on you listening to it blindly and, and obeying what it's telling you to do. Being indecisive. It's betting on you not taking risks. It's betting on you playing it safe. When actually when you really drill down into it, the reasons to not do something are often a lot less persuasive than the reasons to do something. Here's how we counteract that. Make a Persona for yourself. Create a version of you. Visualize a character that would do all the things that you believe that you can't. Base that Persona off of the people you admire, admire who did what you dreamed to do, even if they're fictional. Based that Persona off of your ideal vision of your future self or your idols or your wildest dreams, and give them a name. And when the question is between doubting yourself and doing the thing, whatever it is, ask yourself, okay, what would my Persona do? What would this version of me, who is everything I want to be, who is all the great parts of everybody else that I love and I admire, Would they take the risk? Risk, you know, they wouldn't think twice. Would they put themselves out there? Of course they would. Would they wear this weird outfit? Of course they would. And there you go. They are the justification for doing all the things that you maybe wouldn't do otherwise. Be like, you know, well, I wasn't going to take that solo trip, but Patricia, my alter ego, made me. She wanted me to go. So I guess I have to go. I wasn't going to apply for that promotion or ask that person out, but you know, Ronaldo would do it. And I've got to, you know, do it for Ronaldo. I've got to do it for this alter ego. I've got to be this version and vision of me that I believe in and that is possible. Become that Persona, become this alter ego. You know, make them responsible for the. For the things that you are scared to do. The benefits of this are amazing. Greater performance, greater confidence, more willpower, quicker decision making. In psychology it's called the Batman effect. And the reason it works is because it allows us to separate ourselves from all the negative beliefs, our past, our memories, whatever is holding us back. And it projects only the best parts of ourselves onto this. You know, I don't want to say false. This fantasy version of us, it kind of reigns in the undesirable feelings that are holding us back through this very effective form of self distancing. When I want to stop getting in my own way, I think about what Gemma with a G would do. She wouldn't think about others opinions before her own. Gemma with a G is totally confident, totally self aware. She wouldn't doubt herself before she expressed what she was feeling. She wouldn't stop herself saying yes to cool things or going places where she knew no one. That's what Gemma with a G would do. And I want to do right by her. So try this Persona alter ego tip for just a week. Apply it where necessary and see if it changes anything. Think it's almost like thinking from a place of your ideal self rather than your scared self rather than your doubting self. If your self doubt is especially linked to procrastination and indecisiveness, I would also say train yourself to not do things perfectly every time. Treat failure like an assignment almost. And just do go to the gym. Even if you don't end up working out right, you still went. You still made a decision to go. Wear an outfit. Even if you know it doesn't look great. Just for like a couple of hours. Put your hand up to host that event or to go to that run club or anything that means you'll show up. Even if you don't show up perfectly. Because what matters most is just being decisive and doing that is what we are trying to train ourselves into. You are allowed to make mistakes. You don't have to do it perfectly, that's okay. And you build up this tolerance for failure. And failure is often the thing that our self doubt is most scared of. It's like when you do cold water plunges, right? It feels so terrible at the beginning, but soon you begin to relax into it and realize that this actually isn't that scary. This actually isn't dangerous. My brain is just trying to convince me that it is to protect me. This also doesn't give us time to get stuck in the analysis loop of do I do it? Do I not? Am I deserving? Am I not? Because our assignment is to disregard those things and just do that. It's that simple. Make it that simple. Just do it. Oh my God. Hopefully I don't get sued by Nike for using their phrase that was completely, completely accidental. But again, ask the question, what are you truly afraid of? Get behind those fears and is there a chance that your doubts are incorrect? That is the final part of this. My final tip for this episode question. What your brain is trying to convince you is fact. And remember that if your doubts came from you, there is a possibility that they might be biased or maybe wrong. A lot of the time they are based on this incorrect or faulty evidence. You know, this faulty evidence from our past experiences that incorrectly made us assume that we weren't worthy, we weren't valuable, we weren't talented, we weren't intelligent. And because those doubts are actually originating from inside of you, they have an internal origin. Once again you can choose to say, yeah, you know, I don't think that's right. I'm just going to choose to not believe this today. I'm going to choose to not believe that I don't deserve of this. I'm going to believe that there wasn't a mistake, that I didn't just get lucky, that I'm here for a reason. Because that belief and my self doubt are both coming from me and they both have the capacity to be true. So I'm going to do it anyways. I'm going to be myself anyways. I'm going to show up anyways. Some final reminders because you know, I love to close my episodes out with a little pep talk to hype you guys up to get you to apply what I'm hoping you've learned. Please remember that most of us don't just explode right out the gate. Most of us do spend some time doubting our own abilities. In some capacity. The difference is whether you let that define your reality or you let it just be a thought. It can be hard when your inner critic is loud, but once again, your inner critic is your own voice. You and your inner critic are one and the same. So you are actually able to replace those beliefs with a better and more real understanding of who you are. Which is someone who is competent, confident, a risk taker, willing to bet on themselves. Someone who learns from setbacks and who, if you've made it this far, is obviously deeply committed to becoming your best self. So don't let yourself be to blame for, I guess, holding you back. Don't, you know, get to the end of your life and realize that nobody ever actually said no or turned you away, or turned you down. You did it before they even had the chance. So you never really, you know, put yourself in the running. I don't want that to be your reality. So I'm giving you a big hug through the microphone and a big you can fucking do it. Because you can. You absolutely can. Your self doubts do not control you. And as always, I just really hope that you enjoyed this episode. At the least, I hope that you learned something new about yourself, about your life or about your psychology. As always, if you feel like there is somebody in your life who could benefit from this, please feel free to share it with them. Make sure that you are following along for new episodes. I just gotta say we got some amazing ones coming out soon. I am so excited for next week's episode in particular. Maybe it's already out by the time you're listening to this, but listen to that one next if that is the case and if you could give us a five star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify that also really helps the show to grow and reach a new audience. If you enjoyed this episode, if you have feedback and more importantly if you have a topic suggestion, something about the psychology of your 20s that we have not yet covered, I would love to hear from you, make sure that you are following along at that psychology podcast. Or you can follow me at Gemma Spake. And until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself and we will talk soon.
- [53:03]
Dr. Laurie Santos
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