← The Rachel Hollis Podcast
The Rachel Hollis Podcast
938 | Breaking the "Quit Cycle", How Story Creates Identity & the 3-Part Framework for Real Momentum - March's Deep Dive Episode is Here!
00:22:55
Sign up for Rachel’s weekly email: https://msrachelhollis.com/insider/ Call the podcast hotline and leave a voicemail! Call (737) 400-4626 Watch the podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/RachelHollisMotivation/videos Follow along on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/MsRachelHollis To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices.
Loading summary
Transcript2 lines
- [00:00]
A
Lysol is known for proven disinfection and today it also delivers a clean that smells great including lavender scent. Lysol Disinfection Wipes All Purpose Cleaner spray and Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner clean and kill 99% of viruses and bacteria. The all purpose cleaner can be used on hard non porous surfaces in the kitchen and the bathroom. Disinfecting wipes help clean everyday surfaces like remotes, tablets and smartphones and the Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner disinfecting both the toilet brush and the bowl for two in one disinfection. Don't just clean Lysol Clean welcome to your Peloton Pilates era. Built on precision, backed by results and trusted by over 2 million members. Experience instructors with true Pilates expertise, offering classes for every level from foundational to powerfully challenging. Choose from 10 to 45 minute sessions with little to no equipment, anytime, anywhere and with the cross training swivel screen you can move seamlessly from cardio to Matt Press Pilates Small moves, Big impact. Find out more@1peloton.com Pilates let me tell you something that might surprise you, or maybe you just really need to hear it today. You do not have a motivation problem. In fact, I don't think you have a discipline problem either. If you are someone who gets really excited about a goal and you find yourself starting super strong and you're empowered and excited, maybe you bought a little outfit and you're like feeling feeling yourself and you're doing so great and for whatever reason the motivation starts to fade. Have you ever started something or many somethings? If you're like me, where you remember back to the beginning and you're like, gosh, I felt so into this. What happened? Unfortunately, because we don't have a lot of framework for that experience, we tend to always blame ourselves and we think there's something wrong with us. And because we think there's something wrong with us, we think that there's something that we need to fix. We think that we need to look outside of ourselves and actually what's going on? What's stopping you from being the person that you want to be and achieving the things that you want to achieve and continuing on the path that you begin to walk. It is not something that's broken about you. It is a story or perhaps many stories that you have come to believe over time. So much so that you're not even conscious that that story is playing out in your head. And the story is what causes you to stop your your forward momentum. The story is the reason that you self sabotage. And self sabotage is something that every single person I know has experienced at least once in their life, if not over and over. So today I want to dive into what self sabotage is and how it shows up in our lives and how you can once and for all, stop quitting on yourself. So I want to take you back to the time period in my life before I understood how self belief works. It's basically all of my life before I was in my 30s, my childhood, from the time that I can remember, all of my teenage years, my 20s up until my 30s when I started to learn about personal development. I started to understand myself better and why I made the decisions that I made. But before that, I came from a family, and I think maybe a lot of you did too. And that had a lot of fixed mindset inside of it. Now, if you've never read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck, I really, really want to encourage you to check that book out. It is a complete game changer as a book. Like, if you're someone like me who just nerds out on nonfiction, but just as a concept. Let me explain this to you. There are essentially two types of people in this world. There are people who believe that you are born with whatever knowledge you're ever gonna have, whatever skill you're gon have, whatever talent, whatever creative ability. Like it's locked in from the time that you are born. And whatever you got, you got and you can't do anything to change it. And then there's another type of person who doesn't have that limitation. And it doesn't mean that they come from a family of privilege or wealth or anything like that. Just for whatever reason, they come into this world believing that they can figure things out, that they can learn more, that they can grow. And I absolutely had a certain amount of that my whole life. From the time I was little. And I truly do not know where this came from. I really just believed that I could learn anything, that I could grow and work really hard and become someone new and better. And I used to say this all the time. Like, I truly believe from the time that I was young that if I was willing to work for anything, whether that was becoming an astronaut or a Victoria's Secret model, then I was about to be the only 52 side size 12 Victoria's Secret model the world had ever known. Like, I genuinely believe if I truly want something in this life, I could figure out and do hard work and get myself there. But what I didn't understand was that also from the time I was little, the only examples I saw were people who had a fixed mindset. And I didn't have language for that at the time. But I come from a family of origin who just sort of believes like, whatever you got is what you got. You know, I absolutely heard so many stories and so much language from the adults in my life around this idea that like, we're just not wired that way. That was something I heard a lot where they would talk about other people, they would talk about other families who had things we didn't have, or who were healthy or athletic or whatever, or maybe like had more money than we did. And they would say, well, like that's their kind of people, not our kind of people. Our genes. My family's really big on genetics. And like your genetic predisposition. Well, we're predisposed to mental illness and we're predisposed to diabetes and we're predisposed to poor health. And it was this like self fulfilling prophecy. I don't know if you have anyone like that in your life where you're like, you are literally calling your shot. You are calling your shot about who you're going to become and the thing that you're choosing is awful. Like you have just decided this is the way that you are. I remember talking about this with a friend one time and it was one of those moments in life where you realize, like, wow, we really think so differently. Where I said, oh my gosh, I can just imagine when I'm like 80, like learning Spanish, like learning Greek, like just being such a nerd and like trying to figure out how I can, you know, use the remainder of my time to like, get all the knowledge that I hadn't gotten yet. And I remember he looked at me and he was like, what? I said, oh, you know, like when you're old, like think of all the things that you're going to be learning when you're old. And he was like, why would I want to learn when I'm old? Like at that point I'm just, we're done. Like, why would we want to learn more? And it was so confusing to me because I might. I'm like, well, because we only have this limited amount of time, so we want to soak up as much information as we can get. And he was like, no. And then I could sort of separate myself from the relationship for a minute and look at him and go, well, yeah, that tracks with everything this person does. You are the same guy. You were When I met you, you're a good person and you work hard at your job, but like, you haven't adapted in any ways, you haven't grown in any way. And I realized, my goodness, like, does this person even understand that he can, does he even know that he can change, that he can grow? So when I read mindset and I read about fixed mindset versus growth mindset, he was the person that popped up for me. I was like, oh my gosh, like, this is what it is. It's fixed mindset. There is such insane power in understanding that you can learn anything. You really, truly can. And in this day and age, it's all for free on the Internet. I can't express this to you enough. Like, especially with A.I. you guys, you don't have to be into A.I. but like, especially with that, literally anything you want to know how to do it exists on the Internet for free. And remember we talked about that idea, that concept class where I showed you that circle and we talked about the circle representing all of the knowledge that exists in the known universe. And like, you are this tiny speck inside of all the knowledge in the known universe. So is it possible that the knowledge you're looking for, the solution you're looking for, the truths that you're looking for, exist, you just haven't found them yet? That's a growth mindset. You understanding that everything is out there. And if you're willing, not everybody is. But if you're willing to try and learn and grow, amazing things can happen. But back when I was younger, I didn't understand that and I didn't understand how much I had been reinforced with those stories. So let me give you a common one. Let's think about money for a second. Let's think about money. Now, if that made you feel weird, like if you already had sort of like a, a nudge, like if we're going to talk about finances and you already have like a weird feeling that comes up for you, pay attention to that. Because anytime, energetically you think of a subject, your health, your nutrition, your finances, your faith, your relationship with your kids, whatever it is, anytime you think of a situation like that and your immediate feeling is an energy of stress or a sort of pang or a. You know what? I don't really want to talk about this. That is a major red flag. And I don't say that as a shame based thing. I mean, that is like your nervous system is waving a flag at you going, hey girl, hey boy. We need to pay attention to this. Something is going on here. Like, what's going on here? Why is this an issue? If you have a negative feeling that comes into your spirit when you think about any subject? Like, remember in January when we did that, the wheel of life, and we divided our lives into, like, these different sections. If any of those made you feel negative feelings, you've got to unpack that. Because I'm telling you right now, you are not going to experience abundance in any area that you immediately have negative stuff. Because the negative stuff, it's like what runs a computer, right? There's what I'm doing here on the surface, like, with my laptop. I'm trying to make it go to places and do things. And, you know, hanging out on ebay way too much because I just. I love a scroll through ebay. I'm not going to lie. Spent about two hours last night looking at rings. Never going to buy them. But I love a vintage ring that's neither here nor there. Me, I'm sort of on the top level, trying to get my computer to do things, hey, go to ebay and show me these vintage rings. But underneath that is the system that is running the computer. I have no control over that system. It's built into the motherboard of my computer. You have stories that are built into the motherboard of your computer, and you don't have a ton of control over them unless you really commit to, like, diving down and unpacking and figuring out what's going on. When you have a feeling like that come up, that is a tap on the shoulder. That is a nudge. That is something that you need to pay attention to. So we all have these stories. We all have these things that are kind of hidden beneath the surface that we don't really understand are there. And I think it can be especially dangerous if you're someone like me who thinks of yourself as growth, mindset, and like, you can figure things out and you can learn, but you're also simultaneously dealing with the tension of what's bubbling below your surface. So when we think about this idea of how do I get myself to stop quitting? What you really need to understand is what is going on beneath the surface that is making you quit. Because if it was just about getting motivated, if it was just about getting excited, you would continue on the path that you're currently on. Something causes you stop. And today I'd love for us to challenge ourselves to figure out what that thing is. Remember, we started this with money. I want you to think of money. Now I want you to Think of your feelings about money, about finances. Do you feel good about your money? Do you feel stressed about your money? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel nervous? Do you look at your money? Do you know how much is currently in your bank account? Or do you have no idea what is your current relationship with money? And if you want, you can in your workbook, grab one of the notebook pages and just kind of unpack your feelings feelings around money. Later you can go back and do this for any area of your life that you feel stress, you feel those weird feelings about. But I have found that this is a really easy one because most people have some sort of strong emotion associated with money. Take however long you need and just document how you feel about your finances. What are the feelings that come up? What are the things that you think? Just jot them down, take a couple of minutes and see what bubbles to the surface. Spirit. Healthy living is built on everyday habits. And one of my favorites that I have been harping on for about a decade is hydration. It's so stinking. Important, important you guys. And not just drinking enough water, but making sure the water you're drinking is safe. With Aquasana filters you get healthier, odor free water that tastes amazing. I told you guys that I brought the on the counter Aquasana filter out into my new office. We are out in the country now, so we're on well water, which is great, but I also just want to make sure that it's clean. Aquasana's advanced filtration removes harmful contaminants while preserving the beneficial minerals. So every sip supports better hydration. Hydration. Visit aquasana.com and use promo code RACH for up to 50 off select systems. That's a Q U A s A N A.com promo code R-A C H. Aquasana. Healthy living starts with healthy water. You know how you slice up an apple for the kids and then like 10 minutes later because they're little and they didn't eat it, the apple's now brown and now they won't eat it because they think there's something wrong with it. That is not the case with opal apples. These bright yellow beauties stay naturally crisp and non browning. No preservatives, no tricks, just nature doing its thing. They're also packed with the good stuff. Fiber, vitamin C, antioxidants, everything you'd want from a wholesome real fruit snack that fuels your day. Guys, they're sweet, they're crisp, they're juicy, they're refreshing. It's the perfect apple. And I'm a little bit partial. My grandma's name was Opal, so I feel like anything with her name on it is always going to be good for me. You can find Opal apples in the produce section of your favorite grocery store or on instacart.com. visit opalapples.com to learn more. So once you've written those things down, now here's the really crazy thing. I want you to go back and when you were a kid, I want you to think about what the relationship with money and finances was for the adults in your life, okay? I want you to think of mom and Daddy. If that's who raised you. I want you to think of Grandma, Grandpa. Who were the adults in your life and what were their feelings around finances? And more specifically, what were the things that you saw, what were the things that you learned, and what were the phrases that you heard over and over around money? Okay, so for me, that was things like, we can't afford it. Money doesn't grow on trees. That was a lot of conversations about rich people. So whenever I heard the adults in my life talk about rich people, it was always negative. Rich people were chasing the wrong thing. Rich people were evil. Rich people didn't care about the little guy. Rich people were crooks. They were thieves. Like so much negativity around rich people that now being a rich person and knowing rich people is absolute bs. There are such terrible people who have a lot of money. There's also terrible people who don't have a lot of money and vice versa. There are amazing people who have wealth. Amazing people, amazing philanthropists exist in the community that I know that has aspired to make a lot of money. And then there's also amazing people who don't have a lot of money. Having money has nothing to do with. With your character. But that's what I was taught. That's what I was taught. There's this, like, scripture that people get so twisted, everyone adopted it and said, money is the root of all evil. That's another common thing that I heard over and over. That's not the line. The line is not, money is the root of all evil. The line is, the love of money is the root of all evil. This conversation today is not about finances, but I want you to understand this. If you wrote down on your paper the things that you currently believe about finances and the things that you heard growing up, can you look at that page? Can you understand the correlation? Do you see any phrases that show up for you as a kid that are leading to the beliefs you currently have today. So many women that I have coached over the years have a real fear of success. They don't have a fear of failure. Some do, certainly. But there's this whole segment of the community who have a fear of success. And if you sort of dig down deep and you ask them to explain what were the things that mom and daddy believed, what were the things that you heard them say about people who are successful or gaining success in the way you're trying to get successful? They can often identify phrases that they heard. The adults, the. The voices of authority, their exemplars. Like they have all of these situations they can remember from childhood where the adults in their life had an opinion about what it was to be successful or had an opinion about what it was to make good money. I really want you to pay attention to that. And I hope that you were able to see a connection if you didn't see it through money. Try it with health, try it with business, Try it with faith. Try it with some area of your life where you feel like a kind of tug, like something feels wrong there. And then track it back to your childhood and ask yourself, what were the stories, stories that you were taught, even if they weren't speaking at you, right? In my family growing up, money was the source of so much stress. It was the thing that my parents always fought about. So I have a lot of feelings that I have had to work through around what money meant to us as a family, and that it was only ever going to be this source of anxiety in my life. And I'll tell you what, until you overcome the limiting beliefs that you have around that area, you will always self sabotage, because that belief is your identity. Self belief is who you believe yourself to be. Self belief is what you believe is true and real for you in this life. So even if you are not actively pursuing that as your truth, it's in there, man. It's buried down deep. I have the real blessing to have Bob Goff as a mentor. And I got to go on a retreat with him years ago, and he was teaching this class at the retreat, and he was talking about the really strained relationship he had with his father. You know, he's continued to work through his feelings about his dad. He said, you know, the adults in our life, you know, it's like hieroglyphics written on the cave walls. They write all of these things on the cave walls, meaning like the. In our. Inside our heart, our spirit, like they write all these things on the walls and it's in hieroglyphics, so we don't even really know what it says because it was in their language that made sense to them. But sometimes he says, you gotta go in and hold up a torch and see what's written on your cave walls. You need to understand why you're doing the things you're doing. Even if you can't immediately overcome why you're doing it, you at least need to understand why it is happening. It's time for some spring cleaning, guys. And even better, spring is the perfect time to reset your space. Good news. Wayfair has everything from outdoor furniture to patio decor to lighter bedding that instantly makes your home feel brighter. Plus, you can get a head start on spring cleaning with the closet system, storage solutions, and garage organization, all from Wayfair. Wayfair is my go to to upgrade my space with quality pieces that work within any budget. Plus, I'm all about their fast shipping and the easy assembly options. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home with Target Filling every basket with Easter magic has never been easier. That means fun and festive finds starting at just $3. From tasty favorite day treats to the softest Gigglescape plush toys, we've got everything you need to make their day. So find all the Easter basket goodies they'll love at Target. Let's dig into this idea for you and hopefully give you some clarity on what your stories are and how they are playing into the life that you're living today. Turn in your workbook to the page that looks like an iceberg. This concept has existed in psychology for a really long time, but essentially the idea is that we are an amalgamation, a combination, a special recipe of what everyone can see, right? So if we have the water line there and we've got our iceberg up above the top of the water line, this is what everyone can see. This is who we are. This is Rachel. This is Becky. This is Steve. This is, you know, Jasmine. This is all of us. Up above the waterline. We call that events. These are observable actions and behavior, the things other people can see, the things you can see about yourself. But then below the waterline, at the most basic level, at the closest support to behaviors and actions are patterns. What are the patterns that you repeat over and over and over that lead to the actions that people see and the behaviors that people see. So then below the patterns are structures. These are the existing structures that are in place right now that support the patterns that lead to the behaviors. And you can kind of understand that the lower and deeper we go, the less likely it is that anyone else will ever see what's going on below the surface. And even more so, the less likely it is that you know that that's what's going on below the surface. But each layer supports the layer above it. So patterns, then structures, and then the most important for today's purposes, the story, the mental models, the things that are in place that cause you to have that system, that cause the patterns that create the behaviors. So if you have enough wherewithal to lay out your North Star goal, to know where it is that you want to go and to create some kind of idea about how you're going to get there. But you keep stopping and you keep quitting. It's not about fixing the behavior that's so impossible to do, because we can't do that long term without more understanding. It's why. Last month we talked about systems. What are the systems that you can put in place that will cause your behaviors to occur? But for this month, we're diving one step deeper to understand. Wait, what are the stories that created the systems? I didn't even know were there? Because if you understand the stories around why you quit, that can be hugely, hugely impactful. So this year we are releasing a premium version of the podcast. This is for those members of our community who are really interested in personal development, who want community of other people who are into the same stuff. And the theme for this year is how do you reset? How do you become the next version of you? What are the actual steps that you take to get from here to there? So if that sounds interesting, on the premium version of the podcast we do a monthly deep Dive episode. You get a downloadable workbook. And lastly, all podcast episodes are ad free. So if that sounds groovy, head over to the link in the description and come join in on all the fun. How do you cash back with Chase Freedom Unlimited flights booked, Bags packed, kids packed Cash back on vacation mode. Earn 4.5percent cash back on Chase Travel with Chase Freedom Unlimited restrictions and limitations Apply Cards are issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank NA Member fdic.
- [27:34]
B
Real talent is defined by what people can do, not where they learn to do it. So by stopping at the education section of a resume, you might throw away the perfect hire skills. First, hiring helps you see talent others miss, like more than 70 million stars skilled through alternative routes, let their story unfold and gain a competitive advantage because hiring managers who start with skills are 60% more more likely to find his successful hire, hire skills first. Learn why at tearthepaperceiling. Org, brought to you by Opportunity at Work and the Ad Council.