The Rachel Hollis Podcast, Episode 939

"Rach, how do I stop hating myself?" "Rach, I think my son has ADHD"
Date: March 5, 2026
Host: Rachel Hollis
Series: Ask Rach

Episode Overview

This episode is part of Rachel’s “Ask Rach” series, where listeners call in with personal questions about life, parenting, mental health, and self-growth. Today’s episode centers on two deeply resonant listener questions: supporting a child through ADHD and the journey from self-hatred to authentic self-love. Rachel candidly shares her own parenting experiences, concrete tactics, and inspiring wisdom about rediscovering identity after personal loss—all with her signature blend of vulnerability and humor.

Key Discussion Points

1. Navigating Childhood ADHD: Rachel’s Personal Journey with Her Daughter ([04:41–29:15])

Listener Question:
A parent of a 7-year-old boy, likely with ADHD, asks about Rachel’s process in supporting her daughter, Noah, with similar challenges—seeking advice on diagnosis, school strategies, nutrition, and resources.

Rachel’s Step-by-Step Breakdown

• Start with Observation and Documentation

  • Rachel recounts: “I became a bit of a detective as her mama. And that allowed me to be a better advocate for her.” ([07:37])
  • Document when and where the behaviors happen (e.g., always after PE, at recess, or in high-stimulation settings).
  • This insight helps anticipate challenges (like overstimulation at parties) and adjust environments accordingly.

• Consult Professionals (But Don’t Rush Labels or Medication)

  • First, consult a child psychologist—“Some stuff is kids just learning how to exist in the world, and some stuff is things that they can’t control.” ([06:30])
  • Only pursue deeper dives and potential diagnoses if the child cannot thrive at school due to behavioral hurdles.

• Becoming an Advocate at School

  • With large class sizes, recognize the limits of what teachers can handle, but don’t shy away from gentle advocacy.
  • Example: “I started to point out to the teacher, hey, have you noticed that this happens always at recess?...Is there anything we can do to set her up for those experiences in a better way?” ([10:22])

• Smaller Learning Environments and Specialized Support

  • Rachel found her daughter thrived better in private school with smaller class sizes and access to tutoring:
    “I do not think it is possible for Noah to thrive in a public school...I am absolutely willing to pay for private school because it means her classroom size is smaller and she can get support.” ([12:50])
  • Acknowledges not possible for every family, but explains the impact.

• The Power of Brain Scans (Amen Clinics)

  • Underwent brain scans for Noah to visualize her struggles:
    “They showed us Noah’s brain...and it was like you’re looking at a Christmas tree just lit up, just full of red, full of blue.” ([16:28])
  • The scan illustrated her “brain at rest is like screaming... trying to solve a math problem in LA traffic”—making the invisible struggle visible for the family ([16:57]).

• Supplements Over Meds—A Family Decision

  • Used recommended supplements (not prescription meds) to support Noah’s brain health, with transformative results:
    “Within a few weeks, she was calmer at school, she was calmer at home...It’s the best money I’ve ever spent. It is like the best thing that we’ve ever done.” ([20:48])
  • Supplements need consistency; skipping them results in noticeably different behavior.

• Other Practical Strategies

  • Nutritional interventions (e.g., trying gluten-free diets) didn’t make a big difference; managing sugar/stimulation did.
  • Strict limits on devices/social media for kids—especially those with ADHD:
    “The YouTube shorts is the worst, literally the worst thing for their brains…watch them when they’re done, and tell me they’re not the worst version of themselves.” ([25:57])
  • Labels: Avoid labeling kids with diagnoses they don't understand.
    “Why would I tell her that? She doesn’t know who she is yet. I’m not about to tell her who she is.” ([23:45])

• Parenting Mindset: Remove the Shame, Replace with Clarity

  • Realizing these behaviors aren't “badness” but neurological difference:
    “It was the first time I was like, you literally cannot control yourself...now we get her all the time.” ([28:14])
  • The process is ongoing; what works now may need adapting with age.

Notable Quotes

• “I think being able to see inside her brain was the first time that I understood that she wasn’t just being a jerk.” ([27:54])
• “Start documenting what’s going on. Start paying attention to what makes it work or what makes it better, and start setting up a schedule around those things.” ([29:11])

2. From Self-Hatred to Self-Love: Reclaiming Identity ([29:20–46:14])

Listener Question:
Sarah, 29, describes the collapse of her marriage, selling her house, moving home with her parents, quitting her career, and feeling a loss of identity—asking how she can rediscover herself and rebuild trust after once saying, “I hate myself.”

Rachel’s Insights and Advice

• Acknowledge the Courage in Speaking Up

  • “It takes an incredibly brave person to say the things that you just said and admit what you just admitted.” ([30:51])
  • Many others listening likely secretly resonate.

• Understanding Self-Hatred: It’s (Probably) About Misalignment

  • Rachel reflects on her own story:
    “The times in my life where I felt out of touch with myself...is always when I felt like I was living in misalignment with who I know I am at my core.” ([32:03])
  • Most people—regardless of apparent “success”—struggle to live authentically.

• The Law of Attraction in Relationships

  • “You attract on the level you think you deserve. And if you don’t like yourself, it is impossible for you to attract someone who’s going to like who you actually are.” ([34:45])

• The Phoenix Metaphor: Embrace the Ashes

  • Shared friend’s quote during divorce:
    “In order for something to rise out of the ashes, I guess it all has to burn.” ([36:24])
  • Reframe your low point: nothing left to lose, absolute freedom to become who you are.

• Identity After Loss—Start Small, Get Curious

  • “Who were you before you were theirs? Before you were his wife, before you were their daughter, before you started to care about the opinions of other people?” ([39:50])
  • Childhood hobbies and interests are clues to your core self.

• Stop Trying to Fit the Box—You Don’t Hate Yourself, You Hate the Box

  • “You don’t hate yourself. You hate the version of yourself that you’re trying to fit into.” ([41:05])
  • Real joy comes from “leaning into who you are.”

• Rebuilding Self-Trust

  • Rachel urges: start with gentle questions—what food do you like, your favorite things, small pleasures:
    “That’s the gold. That’s the magic. That’s the stardust. That’s what makes us who we are.” ([43:00])

Notable Quotes

• “My hunch is not that you hate yourself. My hunch is that you hate who you are pretending to be...you are afraid that they will not love you if you show up as her.” ([38:10])
• “The feeling that you have, it’s not hatred. It’s yearning for the version of yourself you long to be.” ([44:01])
• “If you build an entire life trying to fit into a box that other people prefer, everything you do is going to feel inauthentic. And so, of course, you’re not going to like yourself because you know it’s BS.” ([42:25])

Memorable Moments

• Rachel’s vivid comparison of her daughter trying to do math as “a kid sitting in traffic on the 405”—essentially impossible, giving a compassionate window into a child’s struggle ([16:57]).
• Sharing a birthday tradition: “On birthdays we go around and always say our favorite things about the person...what I told her was, I’m so inspired by you. I’m so inspired by how hard you work to get better, how hard you work on yourself. She’s nine and she works harder on herself than most adults...” ([22:54])
• Rachel affirming all listeners feeling lost: “You are set up better right now than you ever have been before because you don’t need to prove anything to anybody. Like, it’s burned. It’s all burned. Now you just get to be whoever the heck you want to be.” ([37:30])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:41] – Parenting a child with possible ADHD: Rachel’s story, advocacy, and practical tips
• [16:28] – The experience and impact of brain scans at Amen Clinics
• [20:48] – Life-changing results from supplements and holistic support
• [23:45] – On avoiding ADHD labels with young kids
• [25:57] – The dangers of fast-paced media for ADHD brains
• [29:20] – Listener Sarah asks about recovering from self-hatred and identity loss
• [32:03] – Rachel defines self-hatred vs. self-love as living (mis)aligned with your true self
• [36:24] – Phoenix metaphor: rebirth after burning it all down
• [39:50] – Practical steps for rediscovering identity and joy

Tone and Language

Rachel is warm, practical, and deeply compassionate, balancing tough love (“I will absolutely fight for that”) with gentle wisdom and encouragement. She never shames, always empowers (“You have nothing to lose...now you just get to be whoever the heck you want to be”).

Conclusion

Rachel affirms that both as parents and individuals, our best path forward is self-compassion, curiosity, and relentless authenticity. Her advice: “The real you is in there. She’s in there and she’s begging you to do anything...when you start leaning into that...everything is going to turn out right.” ([44:10])

If you’re seeking hope, tactical steps for parenting a neurodivergent child, or permission to rediscover who you are after loss, this episode is a must-listen.