← The Rachel Hollis Podcast
The Rachel Hollis Podcast
939 | "Rach, how do I stop hating myself?" "Rach, I think my son has ADHD""
00:40:49
It’s an all new ASK RACH episode! First, she shares what she learned while advocating for her daughter after years of behavior struggles at school, including how brain scans, understanding overstimulation, and changing her approach as a parent transformed the way she supports her child. Then Rachel responds to a listener who says she “hates herself” after a divorce, career upheaval, and losing the life she thought she’d have. Rachel explains why self-hatred is often a sign of living out of alignment with who you truly are—and why moments when everything falls apart can actually become the starting point for rebuilding a life that fits you. If you’re feeling stuck, lost, or like you’ve lost trust in yourself, this episode is the reset you might need. Have a question for Rach? Call the podcast hotline and leave a voicemail! Call (737) 400-4626
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- [00:00]
A
With Target, filling every basket with Easter magic has never been easier. That means fun and festive finds starting at just $3. From tasty favorite day treats to the softest Gigglescape plush toys, we've got everything you need to make their day. So find all the Easter basket goodies they'll love at Target. Lysol is known for proven disinfection and today it also delivers a clean that smells great, including lavender scent. Lysol Disinfection Wipes All Purpose Cleaner spray and Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner clean and kill 99% of viruses and bacteria. The all purpose cleaner can be used on hard, non porous surfaces in the kitchen and the bathroom. Disinfecting wipes help clean everyday surfaces like remotes, tablets and smartphones. And the Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner disinfects both the toilet brush and the bowl for two in one disinfection. Don't just clean Lysol, clean Self Love versus Self Hatred and as always, I can only give you my perspective and my lived experience with this. But I will tell you that the times in my life where I felt out of touch with myself, out of step with myself, frustrated with myself, angry with myself, disliking of myself, hating where I was. Maybe hating who I was is always when I felt like I was living in misalignment with who I know I am at my core. And years ago I wouldn't have been able to put it that succinctly. Like I wouldn't have been able to identify that I was not being true to myself. But I wonder if you look at your life and you look at who you are and you look at the way you are living or what you are doing. I'd be curious to know if you feel like you are living authentically to who you are at your core. Okay guys, welcome to Ask Rach. This is one of my favorite traditions here on the podcast because I get to hear from you.
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B
Hey Rach. Hey Rach. Hi Rachel.
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A
Every single week you guys call the hotline, tell me what's going on in your life, and I give you real talk and tough love and the big sister energy you didn't know you always needed. So if you've got a question about life, love, work, parenting, how to find your purpose, honestly, anything, call me and spill it. 737-400-4626 and your question might just show up right here on the podcast. Let's see what the community is asking about today. Hi guys, it's Rach. Welcome to a new episode of the podcast And a brand new edition in our Ask Rach series. If you've never hung out with me in one of these episodes, I'll tell you what to expect. We have a podcast voicemail where people call in from all over the world to to ask questions. And in doing this for, oh my gosh, six years now, this Ask Rach series, we have gotten questions about anything. Relationships, business, creativity, parenting, friendship. I mean, you name it. If you got a question, I'm willing to answer it. And that's what we're gonna do today. You and I are gonna listen to these latest voicemails together. And I'll tell you that when you hear the question is when I hear the question, meaning I do not pre listen to these. So what I say in is just from my gut what I would say to you if we were having coffee together. And I like to remind people that if you get a good idea, go ahead and use it. And if you vehemently disagree with my advice, you can just ignore it. You do not have to take it in. I'm just a random girl, you know, from the Internet. Without further ado, let's just click on the first one here and see what they have to say.
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B
Hi, Spectrum here. Your 50 discount on monthly bill will be canceled in a few hours if.
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A
Well, my God, I feel like that's Jack messing with me. Don't even know. Okay, let's go ahead and listen to another voicemail. Let's try this one.
- [04:41]
B
Hi, Rach, I'm wondering if you can tell us more about the process of helping your daughter. Noah, at the beginning of 2025, you had mentioned that that was your big first quarter goal. I have a seven year old little boy and I'm at the end of my rope with trying to manage his behavior and help him with his mood swings. I'm pretty sure he has adhd, but we haven't sought a diagnosis as we weren't interested in putting him on beds. But we're getting to the point where we're going to have to do something. So what was the process of getting NOAA a diagnosis? Have you found any particular parenting strategies, nutrition strategies, books or social media accounts helpful? Just looking for some guidance on this. Any more information helps. Thanks, bye.
- [05:30]
A
Okay, I have all sorts of ideas for you on this one, but I'll start by giving a little backstory for anybody who's not familiar. I mentioned in a few different podcast episodes how at the beginning of 2025, rather than set a massive annual goal, which was something I had done for, you know, over a decade. That, that year I decided to set quarterly goals and really focus in on things that were challenging, but that would change the quality of my life or my family's life. And at the beginning of 25, my first quarter goal was to really figure out how to best help my daughter. She has always been our wild child. She's always been very strong willed, and she learns differently than her brothers do. And she has behavior stuff that's different than her brothers. I honestly was just kind of observing it for the early part of her life. It wasn't something I had experienced before, but my first step was I consulted with a child psychologist. So probably when she was in first grade, I had a consultation with a psychologist, and I told them all the things that we were seeing and asked his opinion of what he thought. And he gave really great advice, I think, which was he's like, some stuff is kids just learning how to exist in the world, and some stuff is things that they can't control. So he said, if it ever gets to the point where she cannot thrive in school, because that was like the biggest issue we were experiencing. If she ever can't thrive in school, if she's having a really hard time and the behaviors are starting to affect her ability to just be at school, that's when we need to talk about doing a deeper dive. So that was first grade, and then it kept going on. And so what that looked like for her was she had a very, very, very hard time sitting still. She would get overstimulated, she would act out and she would get in trouble. And what she was experiencing was literally every day of her life that she went to school, she would get in trouble. And it would always be around the same thing. Like, she would talk back, she would, you know, get into an argument with another kid, she would push another kid. I mean, she had three big brothers, so she was really physical. She would just like, you know, she'd start stuff and she'd finish stuff, and she got in trouble every day. And I think the big thing there or the big lesson for me in that experience is, you know, kids are always holding up a mirror for us, right? So when she was getting in trouble, I literally felt like I was getting in trouble. I was such a good girl, and I had a lot of fear in me in my childhood and in my adult life about being a bad girl or doing something wrong or getting in trouble. And then here I have this little girl who's getting in trouble literally every day. So I would experience A lot of emotional feelings about her getting in trouble. And I think for the first couple years, I was kind of like wrapped up in the emotion of that, and I couldn't really separate myself from it. And it was only when I was able to separate myself from it that I became a bit of a detective as her mama. And that allowed me to be a better advocate for her. So instead of just every day, you know, teachers like, oh, no, I did this today. And I'd be like, okay, I'll, you know, yeah, we'll talk to her. We talk to her every day. Like, we'll talk to her again. I really started to. Number one, I would ask for more information about when and how and the circumstances of what would happen. And I started to clue together that she always got in trouble at recess or pe Always in the classroom, she would be okay. But when she would go into experiences where a lot of kids, lots of energy running around was always when she would have a hard time settling back down. It was always when she'd, like, talk back to the teacher, whatever. So that just gave me a ton of info around my kid and. Okay, well, clearly when she gets into situations where she's overstimulated, it's gonna bring out behaviors in her that don't allow her to thrive. And that's, I think, so important as a parent to understand whatever your kid is showing. If, you know, for instance, wow, they really get overstimulated in these situations, it's going to help you. For instance, if her cousin's having a birthday party at Sky Zone and it's a trampoline park and there's going to be sugar and screaming and loud noises. It means, of course, like, she's still going to get to go to that. But I'm also then prepared as her parent to help her navigate that experience, knowing that she's going to get overstimulated inside of it. It also means that for her birthday party, we do really small, calm things because she can go into experiences where it will be too much. And then I know she's not gonna have the best time because it's just not setting her up for success. So, first step was start to be a detective of what is causing behaviors that are really challenging for them. That's number one. Number two, I definitely started to push back a bit. She was in public school at the time, and in second grade, I think there were 32 kids in her class for one teacher. And it just. I mean, that's just impossible for that teacher. 32, second graders not support. Like, that's so hard. So no shade to teachers who I think are living angels on this planet. But then if you have kids in that class who have different challenges, that makes it even harder. I did start to push back on things and started to point out to the teacher, hey, have you noticed that this happens always at recess? Have you noticed this happens always at PE Is there anything that we can do to set her up for those experiences in a better way so that she doesn't get put into something where she can't control herself? And then this is happening. So that was when I started advocating and I started pushing back. And I am. I want you to know, like, I am the mom who. I don't think that it's like, oh, well, you have to, you know, bend your whole teaching curriculum for my kid. I really don't think that I teach my kids that if you're in a teacher's classroom, you have to play by their rules. This is their environment. You have to be respectful, because that's important. That's how you're gonna learn to navigate the world. You might not always like your teacher, just like you might not always like your boss. That's reality. But at the same time, if there are things that we can do that make it so that my kid can be better set up, like, if it's not asking a lot, it's just sort of asking for compassion in this moment and maybe don't push her into stuff that's gonna go wrong. I will absolutely fight for that. So that was the first thing I did, the second thing that I did, and this is not an option for everybody, but I. This is just. You asked me, and so I'm gonna say I do not think it is possible for Noah to thrive in a public school. I just don't. I guess that there could be places in the country where the public school classrooms could have smaller classrooms, and in which case, I think then it would be awesome. But I haven't met that yet. I've been in Texas, I've been in California, and now we're in New York. I am absolutely willing to pay for private school because it means her classroom size is smaller and she can get support that she doesn't get in public school. So that was a big thing, too. Is taking her to private. And in private school, she has tutors, and she has all sorts of support that help her with reading and math and just different things that are important for her to do and for her to feel confident in. So those are Just scholastically, what was happening. And then the big one was we had her brain scans done. So I went and had brain scans years ago and learned all about sort of healthy brain and different types of brains. And so I knew that that was something that existed. We went to amen clinics and when I went, I saw that they had a ton of like a ton. Like they have a whole like wing of people who have adhd, add, any sort of like different way of thinking or being. They have like a whole division that's dedicated to that. And I was really curious what we would find. We took both Noah and her brother. I would honestly, I would have my teenagers do it as well. I think it was so freaking incredible. It's not cheap, but that is what we did. We took them and had brain scans done. And it wasn't an easy process. There's a lot of paperwork to fill out and a lot of, you know, doctor's appointments that you have with the doctor. And then the actual process of getting brain scans done involves needles, which like, I don't know a single little kid who likes that. And so that was just. It was like a whole thing. But the biggest takeaway, honestly for me was when I saw the scan of what a typical. I'm using air quotes because just every brain is different, but what a typical kid her age, like what their brain would look like and then what her brain looks like. And. And just so you know, what you're looking at is the activity in the brain. They test them two different days and one day is like where they're actually doing something. So they'll be like working on a computer or doing math and it's looking at what is happening in their brain. And then on the other day, it's the brain at rest, so they're just like hanging out. They could like fall asleep. It's just anything. It's just like your brain, when it's still healthy. Living is built on everyday habits. And one of my favorites that I have been harping on for about a decade is hydration. It's so stinking important, you guys. And not just drinking enough water, but making sure the water you're drinking is safe. With Aquasana filters, you get healthier, odor free water that tastes amazing. I told you guys that I brought the on the counter Aquasana filter out into my new office. We are out in the country now, so we're on well water, which is great, but I also just want to make sure that it's clean. Aquasana's advanced Filtration removes harmful contaminants while preserving the beneficial minerals. So every sip supports better hydration. Visit aquasana.com and use promo code RACH for up to 50% off. Select systems. That's a Q U A s a n a.com promo code r A C H. Aquasana. Healthy living starts with healthy water. You know how you slice up an apple for the kids and then like 10 minutes later because they're little and they didn't eat it? The apple's now brown and now they won't eat it because they think there's something wrong with it. That is not the case with opal apples. These bright yellow beauties stay naturally crisp and non browning. No preservatives, no tricks, just nature doing its thing. They're also packed with the good stuff. Fiber, vitamin C, antioxidants. Everything you'd want from a wholesome, real fruit snack that fuels your day. Guys, they're sweet, they're crisp, they're juicy, they're refreshing. It's the perfect apple. And I'm a little bit partial. My grandma's name was Opal, so I feel like anything with her name on it is always going to be good for me. You can find opal apples in the produce section of your favorite grocery store or on instacart.com. visit opalapples.com to learn more. Imagine like the energy in a brain. There's like you can see sort of all the neurons together. I'm making this up some, you know, neurologist is like, that's not what you're looking at, girl. But anyway, just imagine like what a brain looks like. And you're seeing all the kind of wiring. And they say if you see sort of the color white, that's like thought process. That's like the brain working. And if you see blue, that's a little bit of stress. And if you see red, that's extreme stress in the different areas of the brain. And in a typical brain, it looks like this. And then they showed us Noah's brain both at rest and when she's trying to work. And it was like, you know, you're looking at a Christmas tree just lit up, just full of red, full of blue. And what they explained to us that is like this forever changed the way instantly, forever changed the way I parent her is they. It was like this is what her brain has looked like when she's at rest. Meaning, like when she's at rest, her brain is like screaming like so much is going on in her head. And then it was like, here's what it looks like when she's trying to focus. And that was double the way the doctor described it to us was it's as if you're trying to do a math problem while sitting in Traffic on the 405. Like, you're not even in a car, just like a kid sitting on the road on the 405 in rush hour traffic. And like she's, you're asking her to do math and it's absolutely impossible. That was so helpful for me because now I can literally see her. You could see her start to work on a math problem, let's say, and you would literally see her brain start to get distracted. And then you could see her fight so hard to focus in. If you have a kid who struggles with this, like, oftentimes when they're trying to focus in on something, it's like they can't get their body to stop wiggling because it's like something's got to kind of be moving in order for them to focus in on the thing. But if you're in a classroom, like a typical classroom, what's the teacher going to say to you? Sit down, sit still. And like, you can't sit still, but then you're also trying to focus. It's just, it was so helpful, just that simple thing of understanding how our brain works. And then they prescribe different supplements, so different things that would support the parts of the brain that experience more stress. And none of them are medication. They're all over the counter, just different things. I think she takes like four things a day. And I am telling you that it was life changing, life changing for our family. I cannot express it enough. It's the best money I've ever spent. It is like the best thing that we've ever done. It was so helpful. And it wasn't like a light switch, but within a few weeks, she was calmer. She was calmer at school, she was calmer at home. And then once we were able to, to help her to like, be grounded and be calm, then we were able to get through to, you know, like, okay, now, now we can work on your math and now we can work on your reading. We now we can work on these things that she struggled with because it's almost like this wall was between her and education. And what's so wild to behold is the level that Noah was at at the beginning of 2025 to where she is right now at the beginning of 26 is astounding. You cannot fathom how fast she's learning, even six months ago, what her handwriting looked like versus what her handwriting looks like today. And I had never experienced this because my boys, they're different. Everyone's different, right? And so I never have had a kid who has had to work this hard on her education. And it is so inspiring. It was just her birthday. And on birthdays we go around and we always say our favorite things about the person and everyone in the family says something. And what I told her was, I'm so inspired by you. I'm so inspired by how hard you work to get better, how hard you work on yourself. She's nine and she works harder on herself than most adults you'll ever meet. It's so inspiring. So all of that to say that is what we did. We did hear, you know, like, gluten free diets are supposed to help kids with adhd. We tried that for a minute and honestly, like didn't see that big of a difference. I think anything that's stimulating we're really hyper aware of. So sugar is gonna overstimulate her being in environments that are like loud and overwhelming. She'll still kind of have a hard time. And if she doesn't take her supplements, I mean, you can see it if for some reason, like it's a Saturday and so maybe we're not quite as regimented as we are during weekdays. And I'll forget to tell her and it's like 2 o'. Clock, she'll be acting in a way and I'm like, did you take your supplements? And she was like, oh, shoot. You know, like we can tell if she hasn't got them in her system. So they're just so helpful. I highly recommend. So that is exactly what we did. And I think it's something we'll continue to work with as she gets older because, you know, hormones and like just everything's gonna change and adjust. But if I could go back and tell myself when she was like four, because that was really hard. She was such a wild child and really defiant and that was something too. When she was in school, they had labeled her. There's like that new popular term like defiance disorder or something. Like I saw it in her file and I got so pissed because I was like, she's five years old. Like, what do you, you know, like, I don't, I don't. I'm. I hate labels. I think it's so dangerous, especially for little kids, for someone to label you something. And by the way, it's worth saying Noah doesn't know that she has adhd. Like, why would I tell her that? She knows that she takes supplements and we explained it to her that like, they help her to be calmer so she can focus in school. She knows that she has a tutor. She knows all of these things. But I don't think it would be helpful to label her to her. She doesn't know who she is yet. I'm not about to tell her who she is. Yeah, we'll continue to work with her as she gets older. If any of my kids needed medication, we would go there. But I will do everything in my power to help them in every other way before that's necessary. Just because I really don't want to introduce anything into their bodies. They're so little, right? Like, you know, when I was little I would get sick all the time and my parents, because it was the 80s, right, they just give you antibiotics all day. And now we know how dangerous that is. Doctors are so careful with antibiotics now because of what it does to the gut and like, it's just not good for your system. But we didn't know that back then. And our bodies are made when we're little. Like we should have all the things that we need to grow strong and healthy. And so I want to help as much as possible by helping them to ingest as little as possible. But yeah, the big things were sort of stepping back, separating myself from what was going on, seeing if there were any, was there any similarities, like, does it happen at the same time of day? Does it happen in these situations? Does it get worse if they eat certain foods, if they don't get enough sleep, if they, you know, like my son who's 13, has his own stuff and much to the chagrin. I mean, he just thinks we're the worst ever. Tells us all the time we're the strictest parents he's ever met. He does not have a phone and he is not allowed to watch YouTube. He's not allowed to be on social media at all, at all. And he's going to be 14 this summer and believe me, we hear about that endlessly. But the thing was when he was younger he would watch YouTube and he just like watch, you know, video game and cooking recipes and he wasn't even watching anything crazy. But the stimulation of fast changing videos because he'd always end up in shorts. The YouTube shorts is the worst, literally the worst thing for their brains. If you have a kid who has any sort of adhd, ADD stuff and you put them on A device where the content is shifting quickly. You watch them when they're done, and tell me they're not the worst version of themselves. So we noticed that with him, like, it's actually overstimulating him to the place that it's becoming horrible. And so we just took it all away from him, which is. Oh, my word, the. The drama of that you can't even imagine. But he is a better version of himself if he doesn't consume that. And so I'll just fight them every. I'm telling you guys, every single time a new country passes a law, because, like, I don't know if, you know, either Australia or New Zealand passed a law that kids under the age of 16 are not allowed on social media. And another country just passed the law too, because it's just horrendous for children to be on social media every single time a new country passes law. I'm like, ford, guess what? New Zealand pass? And he's like, so all of that to say, just pay attention to what makes it worse, and then, you know, remove those things. Advocate as much as you can, but I think being able to see inside her brain was the first time that I understood that she wasn't just being a jerk. And I know that that sounds maybe ridiculous, but maybe some of you who are parents understand that you're just like, why are you, you know, there? Why are you acting like, why are you pushing back? It was the first time I was like, you literally cannot control yourself. You cannot control yourself. And this little girl is so loving, so kind, so funny, like, she is so freaking awesome. But we only got to see glimpses of her in, like, small doses. And now we get her all the time. I remember talking to Aunt Linda about this when I was going through it, and she was like, oh, girl, that is the best money you'll ever spend. That is the best money. Whatever it costs for your baby to be okay, you gotta do it. And I was like, yeah, I totally agree. So I know there's all sorts of different paths that you can take, and I know not everybody has financial resources to get brain scans done, but I think at the very least, start documenting what's going on. Start paying attention to what makes it work or what makes it better, and start setting up a schedule around those things as some of the first steps that you can do to really help yourself in the process. Okay, let's see. Next question.
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B
Hey, Rach. My name is Sarah. I am 29, a long time listener rise attendee. And I was an audience member for a life coaching session in December of 2019. During that session I remember saying I just hate myself and you looked at me and said you had more to say to me and asked me to circle back. For some reason I never did. I got married in 2019 and then divorced in 2022. I had to sell the house I bought, take my dog and move back home with my parents. I also quit the corporate job I worked out for five years that was sucking the life out of me. Since then I feel like I've been stuck grieving a future I'll never get to have. I feel like I lost my entire identity and I broke trust with myself since 2019. My relationship with myself has drastically changed since that I hate myself statements. But I still find that I struggle with self love. So I figured it was time to circle back. But my question now is how do I rediscover my identity and how can I build a future where I do trust myself? I can't tell you how grateful I am for your work and wisdom. Thank you so much. Love always.
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A
Oh my goodness. Did anyone else get chills that just gave me chills? I have so many thoughts for you, but I want to start with this. It takes an incredibly brave person to say the things that you just said and admit what you just admitted. And I think that there are so many people listening to this who you just took their breath away because they it's time for some spring cleaning guys. And even better, spring is the perfect time to reset your space. Good news. Wayfair has everything from outdoor furniture to patio decor to lighter bedding that instantly makes your home feel brighter. Plus, you can get a head start on spring cleaning with the closet system, storage solutions and garage organization. All from Wayfair. Wayfair is my go to to upgrade my space with quality pieces that work within any budget. Plus, I'm all about their fast shipping and the easy assembly options. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every Style Every Home this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you are lucky enough to have a woman in your life who has been an incredible mentor for you, you know the power of sisterhood. You know the power of someone who is wiser and further along giving you ideas and advice. And women deserve to be celebrated for our natural ability to do that for others. But I Think it's also important to recognize that women do gravitate to that extra, extra emotional weight. Right? We do mentor each other, we do show up for our friends in relationships and our families and in the roles that we play for other people. When you're navigating that in your life, whether it's like career or parenting or taking care of others, therapy can be one of the greatest resources there are to check in with yourself so that you can check in with everybody else. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform and they handle your initial therapist matching for for you. So you take a quick questionnaire and you share your needs, your preferences and then you get matched with a therapist really quickly. And the great thing is if that therapist doesn't work out, you can change really easily at any time. Listen, your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter inside of therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/rach. That's BetterHelp H lp.com Rach either feel like that right now or know what it feels like to hate themselves. So let me just unpack this in the order that it occurs to me and we'll see if we can't get you some things to try. Okay? So where I want to start with is this idea of self love versus self hatred. And as always, I can only give you my perspective and my lived experience with this. But I will tell you that the times in my life where I felt out of touch with myself, out of step with myself, frustrated with myself, angry with myself, disliking of myself, hating where I was, maybe hating who I was is always when I felt like I was living in misalignment with who I know I am at my core. And years ago I wouldn't have been able to put it that succinctly. Like I wouldn't have been able to identify that I was not being true to myself. But I wonder if you look at your life and you look at who you are and you look at the way you are living or what you are doing, I'd be curious to know if you feel like you are living authentically to who you are at your core. So I think what that looks like is first of all, knowing who you are, knowing who you actually are. Because if we are in touch with our true self, with our true heart's desire, and we are living in a way that is aligned with that purpose, with that spirit, with that energy, it truly doesn't matter what our family thinks of us, what Our friends think of us, what an ex thinks of us. Like it doesn't. It doesn't matter what the job is. It doesn't matter. All of these external circumstances in our life cannot touch us if we are living authentically. But the reality is that very, very few people actually are. I'm talking successful people, insecure people, confident people, people who are barely surviving, people who are totally crushing it from the outside. Very few people strive to live a life that is aligned with who they actually are. And I think that the closer you get to living as the person who actually has these hopes, these dreams, these desires, these needs, the closer you are to her, the more joy that you feel and the more you trust yourself. My instinct, and I don't know this for sure, because I do not know your story. I only have the context that you gave me. I say this with so much love. If you tell me that in 2019 you felt like you hated yourself and then in 2020 you got married, I would bet everything I had that you were going to tell me that that marriage ended in divorce. I'm unsurprised by that. And I do not say that in a mean way. I say that because there is no way that you can attract someone of integrity, someone of worth, someone who is aligned to you. If you hate yourself, you can only attract at the vibration of what you feel. And if what you feel is that you hate yourself, who do you think you're going to attract? Someone who either on a core level, hates you too, or someone who loves who you pretend to be but doesn't actually know who you are. Those are the only people that you are attracting. If you hate yourself. It is not like in the movies where someone can be a total mess, but they'll find this, like, perfect match who sees, you know, the goodness in them and helps them become. That is not how it works. You attract on the level you think you deserve. And if you don't like yourself, it is impossible for you to attract someone who's going to like who you actually are. I say that not to make you feel any kind of shame, but I hope to actually make you understand that that's what's going on in that situation. Now, about the time that I was getting divorced, I had a friend who was also getting divorced, and she had a really awful experience. I mean, we all had an awful experience, but in her situation, her partner had cheated on her and ended up, you know, trying to build a life with the girl. And it was a girl, a young woman that he had Cheated on her with. They had been married forever. And then, like, there was this. Whatever. It was like, just every sad, cheesy story you've ever heard, and it was awful. But simultaneously, the woman that she became on the other side of that, the phoenix, and I swear to God, I'm using the word phoenix, that she. She became on the other side of that experience was so much greater than the person she had been before. And I don't wish that kind of pain on anybody. But I remember this line she told me when she was going through it. She said, you know, in order to get something out of the ashes, I guess it all has to burn. In order for something to rise out of the ashes, I guess it all has to burn. It was so dramatic, but also, like, kind of badass, because if you're gonna have to walk through hell, you better come out the other side forged in fire. And what I would say to you right now, Sarah, is, what do you have to lose? You've been through it all, right? You just said, like, you left the job, you got a divorce. You're living back home with mom and Daddy. What do you have to lose if you decide to show up all the way as yourself? And maybe you don't even know who the heck that is. Maybe you can't even remember what you used to love, what you used to be into, who you used to be. But if you decide to go on that path, if you decide to go on the journey in the direction of figuring out who the heck that is, you have nothing to lose. Nothing to lose. You are in the best possible situation. I know you don't feel like that because the voice in the back of your mind is listing all of the things that you've done wrong. But the reality is actually that you are set up better right now than you ever have been before because you don't need to prove anything to anybody. Like, it's burned. It's all burned. Now you just get to be whoever the heck you want to be. And here's my hunch. My hunch is not that you hate yourself. My hunch is that you hate who you are pretending to be. That's my hunch. My intuition tells me that on a core level, you know who you are, but you are afraid that they will not love you if you show up as her. That's what I think. I think that we tend to live our lives grappling with who we believe will earn their love best. And you've just walked through this experience where you say you've lost trust in yourself. And what you've actually lost trust in is your confidence that if you show up authentically, you will be okay, even if they don't like you. I think that you believe this is like the depths of despair, that you're in this really hard place, but what you are actually in is this incredible possibility. The possibility to explore, the possibility to get curious. The possibility to see what you like and what you don't like. If you truly don't know who you actually are and what you are actually into. I'm going to ask you the question that I always ask women when they feel like they've lost themselves, which is, who were you before you were theirs? Before you were his wife, before you were their daughter, before you started to care about the opinions of other people? What were you into? What did you love? What was your favorite thing to do? We tend to think that these childhood hobbies or childhood interests don't matter. They're just like, oh, those are just little things I was in. No, man, that is who you are. That little girl version of you. She needs to go out for a play date. She needs to be allowed to breathe. She needs to be allowed to color outside the line. She needs to be allowed to be herself. You don't hate yourself. You hate the version of yourself that you're trying to fit into. You hate the box because you don't fit in that box. You never did. And you've spent your whole life trying to be someone that you are not. When you actually find the courage to just lean into who you are, the freedom of that experience is unheard of. It doesn't start by you trying to figure out how to get back on the path to this normal, plain, boring life. It starts by you trying to figure out your own unique interests, your own unique skills, the things that make you you. That's what's cool. That's what's going to light you up. That's where you're going to find other people who are like you and love you for who you are. I'll tell you what, guys. If you build an entire life trying to fit into a box that other people prefer, everything you do is going to feel inauthentic. And so, of course you're not going to like yourself because, you know, it's bs. The real you is in there. She's in there and she's begging you to do anything. It doesn't look like you overhaul your life and you go like, buy a crumbling Italian villa like that movie. It's not that. It's little things. It's remembering what you love. How do you like your eggs? What do you order on your pizza? What's your favorite kind of movie? Do you like to dance? Do you like to sing? Did you dream of doing theater? Did you dream of being a writer? Lean into that sleep stuff. That's the gold. That's the magic. That's the stardust. That's what makes us who we are. You do not hate yourself. You love yourself deeply, wholly and completely. And the feeling that you have, it's not hatred. It's yearning for the version of yourself you long to be. And when you start leaning into that, when you start investing in that relationship, the one with yourself, everything is going to turn out right. All right, guys, I hope that that was helpful for you today. I hope if you have a question, you will call and leave a voicemail for me on the hotline. The number is 737-400-4626. We will be back soon with more conversations. And until then, as always, I love you and I'm rooting for you. The rachel hollis podcast is produced by me, rachel hollis. It's edited by andrew weller and jack noble.
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