← The Rachel Hollis Podcast
The Rachel Hollis Podcast
941 | Stop Wasting Your Life: How to Leave When You Know It’s Not Right (Sunk Cost Explained)
00:50:00
Is there something in your life you already know isn’t working—but you keep trying to make it work anyway? In this episode, Rachel dives into the psychology behind why we stay stuck in relationships, careers, and situations long after we know they’re wrong. It’s called the sunk cost fallacy, the belief that we should keep investing in something simply because of how much we’ve already put into it. If you’ve ever struggled to walk away from something that no longer serves you, this honest, tough-love conversation will help you rethink what it really means to let go and why your future might depend on it.
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Anyone in any relationship right now, Friendship, romantic, anything. I need you to think of who they are on their worst day and ask yourself if who they are on their worst day is someone you should be with. If you are judging who they are on their best day. If that's the only. Yeah, you know, three times a year he shows up as the best version of himself when we're on vacation and everything's going great and then I feel like I'm in love with him again. That's not legit. Who are they on their worst day? That's what you need to be honest with yourself about. Hey guys, I'm Rachel Hollis, and this is the show where we talk about life, real life around here. We cover everything from habits and motivation to relationships, parenting, and what it looks like to build a life that you love. If you're trying to grow, heal, or just feel a little bit more like yourself, you're in the right place. Okay, guys, I want to ask you something and I want you to sit with this for a minute before you just kind of rush by it. Is there something in your life right now, whether it's a relationship or a job or a business that you started, just any kind of path that you're currently on that you know isn't working. Now, I'm not talking about like a hunch or a bad feeling that you had or, you know, you're just having a bad week. I am talking about that deep knowing that you have had for a While. That you keep talking yourself out of and that you have explained away so many times, you've lost count. Okay, so now here's the deal. If you can think of something in your life that springs to mind when I ask that question, here's my next one. When did you know? Because I bet it wasn't recently. I bet that you have known that this wasn't right for way longer than you're comfortable admitting to yourself. And I'll bet that the reason that you are still there, that. That you're still pushing, that you're still trying to make it work, is not because things are getting better. Hello? Ask me how I know. Like, I am speaking from experience. We stay in these situations way too long because of everything we've already put into it. The years of time, the money, the energy, the younger version of yourself, the person that you've built this thing around. There is a name for what is keeping you stuck. And today I want to talk about what that is. Because if you can name it, you can make a different choice. All right, this is week two of my podcast. I do. If I wasn't afraid of hurting your feelings, I didn't tell you that that was the trajectory that we were on last week, but I'm just gonna call it now. If you didn't listen to last week's episode, it was lies that we tell ourselves and the places that we stay inside of because we're not being truthful. And I'm just gonna keep on trucking. Like, I want to just keep having real conversations with you. After more than a decade of doing this personal development work and coaching women, whether that's one on one or in my coaching community, after writing all these books and doing all these episodes and listening to literally hundreds upon hundreds of voicemails from you guys, I know women pretty well, and I know the stuff that you struggle with because it's kind of the same 25 things. And because I've been in this game for a really long time, I feel like I have a unique perspective on what's going on. But there are certain things I don't always say, because obviously, like, I want you to feel love and encouragement and all sorts of good feelings, but every once in a while, we need a little tough love and we need some challenge. And if you don't feel like you can handle tough love, like, if you resonated with the question I asked at the top of this, but, like, the idea of unpacking it is too much for you. Girl, turn this off. Go Listen to some Amy Grant. Go back to the 80s, like, go have a day. You do not have to challenge yourself. But if you want to challenge yourself, or if you're willing to let me challenge you, let's get into it. So last week's episode was all around this idea of why we stay stuck, and it ties back to self deception and the stories that we tell ourselves that we, like, sort of believe are true, but really are not. And if part one of this series was about honesty, I guess part two is about letting go. Specifically, I think it's the trap of continuing to do something that you know is not working because of what you've already put into it. So years ago, I got to play in an amateur poker tournament. I know that's so random, but it was like a bunch of people at this party. And it started by a professional poker player teaching us how to play hold'. Em. And then throughout the night, we all competed in this tournament. It was like, I don't know, 40 people or something until it came down to the very end. And if you won, you won a gift certificate at a restaurant in la. And not to brag, but I did win the amateur poker tournament. I mention it because there is this thing that happens inside of poker that's called being pot committed. So the pot is what you put your money in in a poker game, like when you're betting on something. And there's this psychology that happens with some people who believe that they've already put so much money in the pot that they're unwilling to walk away. So essentially, they'll keep playing out the poker game, adding more and more money to stay inside. Because if you want to stay inside a game of poker, you have to keep betting into the potentially. And there are people who will do that because they already have spent so much of their money, they figure they need to keep investing just to see if perhaps it plays out in a positive way. But professional poker players will tell you that you have to be willing to walk away at any time. In fact, the professional poker player who taught us was like, you can't be pot committed if you're, if you're pot committed. If you get to a place where your mindset says you've already spent too much money, you've kind of lost the game. In this instance, I bring it up because so many people do this with relationships, so many people do this with crappy jobs. So many people do this with the neighborhood they live in or the town they live in. They stay inside things that are not working because of how much effort they've already put into it. So psychology has a name for this. I'm using my poker analogy, but in psychology, it's called the sunk cost fallacy. And I am telling you, when you understand this concept, you are going to see this show up in so many places in your life. It will show up in your relationships, your career, in decisions that you have been circling in the analysis, paralysis that you hold on to. And most importantly, you're going to see this playing out in yourself. Okay, let's start with what the research actually says. I love a little bit of research before I come in and talk to you guys, because, you know, I have strong opinions. But I want you to know this is not just my theories. This is backed up by a ton of research and a ton of data. So let's start with this study that I found because it's really good, and I think it's going to make you laugh at yourself a little bit. And I mean that in the best possible way. Back in 1985, two researchers at Ohio University ran an experiment at the campus theater. They sold season tickets at three different prices. Full price, a small discount, and a big discount. And once the season started, they tracked how often each group actually showed up to the place. Here's what they found. People who paid full price attended significantly more performances than people who got the deal. And it's not because the plays were better for them, and it's not because they like theater more. It is because they had paid more and their brain would not let them waste the money. Think about it for a second. Lots of different people, same shows, same seat. They are having completely different experiences because of obligation. The amount of money they spent on the ticket pre determined whether or not they showed up. The researchers called this the sunk cost effect, meaning that you continue to invest in something because of what you've already put into it, even when the future case for continuing is weak or gone entirely. And here's the part that has stayed with me. The psychological justification for this behavior is the desire to not appear wasteful. Okay? It wasn't because the theater was great. It wasn't the desire to succeed. It wasn't the desire to be happy. It was the desire not to waste time. Money. Here's like a smaller version of this that I see all the time. Have you ever met those people who, if they buy a book and they start it, they have to finish it, even if they hate the book or I get so many side eyes because I will leave a Movie theater. So I can't even tell you how many times I've got up and walked out of a movie theater because the movie is terrible and people are like, what, you paid the money? And yeah, bro, but life is short. And if this is garbage, I'm not going to sit here. If the book is terrible, close it and move on to the next. You get such a finite amount of extra energy, why would you waste it on something that you're not enjoying? But I'm getting ahead of myself. Okay, I just want you to think of this in terms of your own life. Like, have you ever met those couples? They're like older couples. Let's say they're 60 plus. And if you're in your 60s. I'm sorry I just said older. But just bear with me for a second. They have been together from decades, let's say, and they're in their 60s and they cannot stand each other. Do you know anyone in your family? Any friends? Do you. Have you ever met a couple like this? They literally cannot stand each other. They are in their 60s, but they're like, but we've been together for 40 years. But we've been together for so long. Literally make each other miserable, cannot stand each other, nothing in common other than being married or maybe they had kids, who, by the way, are fully adults now and they are staying with each other because they've been together for so long. What an absolutely ridiculous way to go through life. How in I. It's just insane. And like, someone's like, oh, the sanctity of marriage and no, bro, no, you are not meant to pay for the rest of your life for a decision you made when you were 20 years old. You're. You're telling me you gave this a 40 year try? You tried for 40 years to find some commonality? What, you're just betting that, what, in your 70s, that's when you're going to like each other again? God, you still have time to try. Not like, I'm not saying go out and try and find new love, though if you do, that's amazing. You're in your 60s, you have not been able to stand your husband for 30 years. Girl, go join a nunnery. Go live. I don't even know you got a little retirement save. Like, go, what, live in a tiny home? Move to the desert? Get a tattoo? I don't know, it's just. Life is so short. I cannot handle the idea that you would waste this precious thing that you have when you have given it every single bit of Your you tried so hard and neither one of you are happy, but you're just. You're just trucking right along miserable. What are you doing? Which brings us to. Sorry, went off on a little tangent there, Rach, but it brings us to what this looks like in real life. Okay, so I wrote down the three ways that I see this show up constantly. I just gave you a little preview. But here's how I see the sunk cost fallacy show up all over the place. And when I talk about these three versions, they're slightly different from each other. But you being able to identify which one you might be taking on is a big first step and you understanding that something needs to change. So the first one is the relationship that you have outgrown, but you can't leave. You don't feel like you can leave because of the history. So this is, you know, that couple, they're in their 60s, they don't like each other, they're still together. This is also the friend from high school that you have literally nothing in common with each other, you know, and you still meet up once a year and it's just weird. Or it's the friend from high school that you feel like really drags you down to a lower level, but you're like, yeah, but, you know, I've known Kara since middle school and I just feel so bad. This is friendships, this is business partnerships. This is family dynamics that you've been trying to fix for decades. The thing that they all have in common is the length of your investment, the years, the effort, the hope that maybe this time, maybe this year it's going to be better, has become the main reason to keep going even when the relationship itself has been telling you for a long time it's not working. And can I add a little caveat here? Beware the good time trap. Healthy living is built on everyday habits. And one of my favorites that I have been harping on for about a decade is hydration. It's so stinking important, you guys, and not just drinking enough water, but making sure the water you're drinking is safe. With Aquasana filters, you get healthier, odor free water that tastes amazing. I told you guys that I brought the on the counter Aquasana filter out into my new office. We are out in the country now, so we're on well water, which is great, but I also just want to make sure that it's clean. 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My grandma's name was Opal, so I feel like anything with her name on it is always going to be good for me. You can find opal apples in the produce section of your favorite grocery store or on instacart.com. visit opalapples.com to learn more. So I have a friend of a friend that I was speaking to at some point in the last year. She's not a close friend and I don't believe she listens to this podcast. So I don't think she's gonna know that I said it or that I even am talking about her. But we were chatting about her relationship and she's been with this guy for like, maybe even close to 10 years now. And it's like, I don't know if you have anyone like this in your life, but like, she is amazing and the guy is like, mediocre. It's mediocre Matt. Okay? His name's not Matt. It's Mediocre Matt. He's just okay. And sometimes, like, he drinks too much and he acts like an absolute jackass and nobody really likes him. Like all of her friends, she's really close friends. Nobody really likes this guy. And he's just, he's so beneath her. But to be honest, I think she doesn't want to be alone. And so she stays with someone who is absolutely beneath her because at least she has company. And by the way, that is completely her choice. She's a human. She gets to choose her path in this life. But it's also a scarcity mindset. Right. Like, she's afraid that she can't do any better than this guy, and so she stays with him. And it had been pretty bad. Like, I'm gonna say, like, for the last two, three years. Like, it had been in a place where even her normal kind of conversations, the normal stories she would tell people weren't really cutting it. Oh, yeah, but he's this. Oh, you know, that's what people always do, right. When you're like, well, how's it going with Mediocre Matt? And they're like, yeah, I know he is mediocre Matt. But also he's like, la, la, la. Right? You have all these fill in the blanks. But even those weren't really there. And so we kind of thought, again, I'm not in this close inner circle, but, like, from the outer circle, we sort of thought, oh, my gosh, maybe she's finally about to let go of this, you know, loser Larry. And then they went on vacation. And this is what I call the. The good time trap is that you go to a situation. You go on vacation, you go to your cousin's wedding, you go into the situation where it is an elevated experience and you have a really good time together. Because, by the way, you don't have any stresses of regular life. People are cleaning your hotel room, you can go get a glass of champagne. You're feeling really good, and it makes you feel like, oh, but we're still in love. We're like the people that we used to be. Can I tell you something? Anyone in any relationship right now. Friendship, romantic, anything. I need you to think of who they are on their worst day and ask yourself if who they are on their worst day is someone you should be with. If you are judging who they are on their best day. If that's the only. Yeah. You know, three times a year, he shows up as the best version of himself when we're on vacation and everything's going great, and then I feel like I'm in love with him again. That's not legit. Who are they on their worst day? That's what you need to be honest with yourself about. So they went on vacation. Then all of a sudden it was like, oh, no. Like, I'm so in love. Like, everything's great. And that lasted for about a month. And then it was like, oh, yeah, but they're going on another. It's almost like people subliminally understand this. I think the other thing that people do. Sorry, let's just, like, get into it. I'm Just letting it all hang out today. The other thing that people do, if we're being honest, it's like the vacation thing or. Plenty of us know couples who decide to have another baby, right? Well, I'll have another baby. Like, things aren't going great, but, like, the baby will bring joy and love, and the baby will also take your focus away from the fact that the relationship isn't working anymore. And the baby will also distract you from how frustrated you feel by your partner's lack of support. And it's so crazy, because any of us who are parents know that having a baby just added 1000 times more stress onto the relationship that was already suffering in the first place. I just think, like, if we're not conscious, we will do this in so many areas of our life, and it is so detrimental. And, girl, believe me, I know that any kind of relationship we have, whether it's business, friendship, romantic, like, it comes with all of these extra layers. Making the decision to remove yourself from a relationship you've been in for a really long time to comes with a significant amount of stress. It's not an easy thing to do, but at the very least, are you aware that you're doing it? Are you aware that you are wasting your precious energy and your precious life in this thing that does not serve you anymore? Okay, the second way that people do this is with their careers. Or if you are a business owner and you have sunk years of your life into something that is clearly not for you and you know that it's not for you. But my goodness, you keep trying, you keep pushing, you keep doing everything you can do to make it work, and it just doesn't. Or maybe it is successful, but you are so deeply unhappy inside of it that even if it's successful, it's like golden handcuffs. It's not something that you know in your heart you should stay in. This is also for anybody who spent eight years getting a degree doing something they don't actually want to do. Or you built a business up and you've genuinely grown out of the business that you started. Or maybe you're climbing a ladder and you've been climbing that ladder for so long that you don't even know if the ladder is leaning against the right wall. The sunk cost trap in this instance is brutal because the investment is so visible and so public, right? Like, if you got the degree, everyone in your family, they know you got the degree. Maybe you even took out loans to get that degree. It's on your LinkedIn profile and you Have a whole identity built around what you do. But walking away from it, it's not just a personal loss. It feels like an announcement to anybody who watched you build that thing that somehow it was a mistake, right? Like, oh my gosh, it was a. No, it is not a mistake. Like if you decide to pivot, if you decide to change and do a different career or adjust your business and go in a different direction, you only have that knowledge because the path you were on led you somewhere. If I have said this to y' all once, I've said it a thousand times. If you feel like you are stuck and you're not sure what to do next, do anything, go anywhere, move in any direction. Because just the movement will make you understand where you should be moving. We moved from LA to the Hudson Valley in New York less than a year after we bought the house. We thought it was our dream house that we were going to stay in forever. We spent every ounce of our blood, sweat and tears remodeling this hundred year old Spanish style house. Absolutely destroyed us. The remodel is stunning. It was so beautiful. And when we literally, we finished and we were like, we're not supposed to be in la. And so many people would absolutely say, but I've already, you know, but the sunk cost. But you spent so much time, you spent so much money. And it's like just for clarity in that particular story, like, we won't make a profit on that house. You're not profiting on a house that you've had for a year. It's not 2007. If you didn't understand my real estate joke, then you didn't laugh, but some of you did. Yeah, we won't make a profit on that. So making the decision to leave was making the decision that we might very well lose money and losing money after having gone through one of the most difficult years of our life trying to like do this crazy remodel, that's a bummer. And that could very easily hold a lot of people in place. I'm sure there's people listening to this right now. And you're in a house you don't want to be in, but you think you can't leave because, well, but you know, everyone watched us buy it and everyone watched us move here and we moved across the country and we don't really like it, but it feels ridiculous to move. But no. My gosh, guys, one chance you get at this. One chance. The movie version of this is like Legally Blonde. Elle decides to go to Harvard and It's, like, hard. And the whole thing is that she's going because she's trying to get her boyfriend back, but in the end, it actually is exactly where she's supposed to be. She ends up going on to become a lawyer, right? And as Legally Blonde, too, portrays, she really crushes it. So I truly don't believe that we would be here in New York. Just absolutely. So grateful, so happy, so calm, Stress just reduced to like. I can't even explain how grateful we are to be here. And I don't know that we would be here if we hadn't bought that house and we hadn't gone through the remodel and we hadn't had that experience to show us that that wasn't the path we were meant to keep walking. It's time for some spring cleaning, guys. And even better, spring is the perfect time to reset your space. Good news. Wayfair has everything from outdoor furniture to patio decor to lighter bedding that instantly makes your home feel brighter. Plus, you can get a head start on spring cleaning with the closet system, storage solutions, and garage organization, all from Wayfair. Wayfair is my go to to upgrade my space with quality pieces that work within any budget. Plus, I'm all about their fast shipping and the easy assembly options, fine furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style, style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home.
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The third version of sunk cost is kind of the most heartbreaking because this one is ultimately about your ego, not about any actual perceived threat. And this is the woman who has been trying to make something work. Like, really trying. Genuinely. You have given it everything you've got and it's just not working. And instead of reading that information that she is on the wrong path, she reads it as information about herself. Okay? So she's like, well, I'm not trying hard enough or I'm not good enough. If I just push harder, if I just sacrifice more, if I just want it badly enough. And so she does, right? She pushes harder and she sacrifices more and she doubles down. Because quitting feels like proof that she's the problem. But here's what I need you to hear. Sometimes the thing not working is not evidence that you are broken. Sometimes it is simply evidence that this particular thing, in its particular format, at this particular moment is not for you. That is not a failure. That is information. And the bravest, smartest thing that you can do with that information is use it. Use the information that you are receiving. You can still want the dream, you can still aim at the goal. But if you are doing everything under the sun to try and get you there and it's just not flowing, something is off and you pushing harder is not going to be the thing that helps you break through. What helps you break through is identifying all the parts and pieces and seeing what you need to tweak to actually get some momentum. Here's the reason I want to have this conversation, other than hoping that you see some of yourself in this is I want you to understand what this costs you. The first thing that this costs you, and honestly, like so freaking important, is future time. Every single day that you spend doing something that has already told you it is not working is a day you are not building something that could let me say it again because someone needs to hear it again. Every day that you spend with something, somebody, some job, some place that is telling you with its actions, with your results, that this is not for you is a day that is wasted because you could be spending your energy building something that does work for you. Now I know that sounds brutal and I know that the thing that you've invested in feels so precious and so irreplaceable. But time is the one resource that you truly cannot get back. And spending more of your precious time trying to rescue an investment that is gone does not make the original investment worth more. It just means that you are losing twice. The second thing that this costs you. And I want you to hear me right now. If you are someone who struggles with confidence, if you are someone who feels insecure, if you really have a hard time holding on to self belief, I want you to hear me. The second thing that this costs you is self trust. This sneaks up on you, okay? But when you stay inside of something that your gut is screaming at you to leave, when you override your inner knowing, when you do not listen again and again and you choose in favor of not wanting to waste what you've already put in, you teach yourself that Your instincts can't be trusted. So if you have. What if you were the answer? It's the book I wrote last year. If you have that book, that is the entire conversation of this book is how to trust your intuition. And one of the chapters I talk about this idea that if you had this friend in your life that gave the absolute best advice 100% of the time, she told you the truth, she was always loving, she knew what was up, she could predict the future. But every single time she gave you advice, you ignored her, or you told her to shut up, or you told her to be quiet. How long would she continue to try and steer you in the right direction? Her voice would get smaller and smaller and she'd stop trying completely. That is your intuition. When you ignore yourself for whatever reason, you teach yourself that your inner voice is not a reliable guide. And the erosion, the breakage of that self trust, it compounds over time in ways that are way bigger than than the original decision you made. So just think on this for a second. If you are someone who feels like you struggle with self confidence, can you identify any relationships in your life where you knew they were wrong but you stayed in them way too long? Or maybe you're in one of those right now. You cannot ignore your inner wisdom and believe in yourself simultaneously because the inner wisdom is your confidence. I have watched women ignoring their own voices for years. I know what this feels like. I have done this so many times in my life. I have experienced my body literally shutting down, like literally breaking down, not functioning because I'm just ignoring, ignoring all of these signs that I don't want to see. I know what this feels like and I know what it costs to make the decision to walk away from something that is unhealthy for you. It's not miraculous. Rainbows and sunshines and everybody celebrates. Usually nobody can understand it. People judge it. People outright make decisions about who you are when you choose to self care over public perception. But I can also tell you on the other side of doing that those are the single greatest decisions I've ever made because I trust myself to take care of myself. Women will ignore their own inner wisdom over and over to the point where they can't make decisions about anything. Are you someone who gets overwhelmed by making even the smallest decisions? Okay, again, look at your life and tell me how often you have stayed inside of things you knew you shouldn't be in. We get to this place not because we are indecisive. Women get to this place because they stopped listening to Themselves so long ago that they no longer know what they actually think. That's why it's hard for you to make any kind of decision. You don't know what you actually think. That is a real cost, babe. The money you spent, the time you spent, the energy you spent, it's already gone. You're not getting it back. You stay here in this thing because you're like, oh, but so much time, it's gone. That time, like, it's gone. And it's not for nothing. I don't care what the relationship was, what the experience was, what the job was like. I believe that we can glean wisdom, that we are changed in bad ways and good ways. Like all of it. It's all for us. But just because you've invested so much time does not mean that you're supposed to stay in this. The third thing that this costs you is identity. Okay? And this is a big deal. When you've been in something long enough, you don't just have an investment in the thing. Listen to me. You don't just have an investment in the thing. You are invested in the version of yourself that chose the thing. Who's at church. You are not just invested in the thing. You are invested in the version of yourself that chose the thing. This is for the man or woman who has been in the marriage for 20 years. This is for the man or woman who built the company, the woman who got the degree. Leaving isn't just leaving the thing. It's leaving the version of yourself that chose it. And that man that. That there's some grief there. The grief is real and it's valid and it deserves to be honored. But you have to understand, you are not the decision that you made a decade ago. Okay, you might still feel like her in a lot of ways, but you are not her. You are not on the path that you chose at 22 or 30 or 40. You are not what you've already done, what you are. And this is the part that is really freaking exciting if you let yourself feel it. You are everything you haven't done yet. You are everything you haven't done yet. But if you don't let go of this thing that is holding you hostage, you're never going to get to meet that version of yourself. Okay? So let's. Let's just do real quick some things, some three. Three steps, three things that you can do to get yourself through this. You're going to ask yourself the blank slate question. Researchers and therapists found that this question was the most Effective way to get people to break their grip with sunk cost thinking. But since we're talking about intuition and the last book, there's actually a question in that book that I think works perfectly for this, and it looks like this. If you knew everything about this situation that you know today, would you hire them again? Okay, so this is a question that I heard in relation to being a business owner, and it was talking about having employees on your team that, you know should not be there anymore. You know, they should not have the job anymore. But you're like, yeah, but they've been with us forever, and, like, we love them. They're like family. And, yeah, they're kind of a slacker. And, like, yeah, they always come in late. But, you know, we love Brenda. Like, she's. Yeah, okay, great. If you had all the information about Brenda today, but it's like, day one, you're interviewing her for the job, and you know everything about her, would you hire her again today? If the answer is no, then you need to let Brenda go immediately. Okay, so that's the. That's the framework for a business owner. But I think that this works for relationships, for jobs, for businesses. Knowing everything that you know about the situation today, would you choose it again? And for those who are like, yeah, but we have kids. And, like, yeah, you're not. You. You don't. You literally don't get to erase the. I'm asking, would you choose it again? And if you wouldn't choose it again, then it begs the question of why would you choose it now? There was this major red flag in my first marriage that I did not see, like, so many things that I did not see. But there was this, like, joke, and it was. I do think that we both thought it was a joke, but, like, I never realized until later, after I'd gotten divorced, how serious it was. We used to joke that if we had met each other, like, then, which at this point was like 15 years in 16 years, 17 years. We were together a really long time. We used to joke that if we had met, like, today and we went on a first date, we'd never go on a second date. We were like, yeah, it's so crazy. Like, we sort of have nothing in common now because, like, we're so different than the people who first met. We both had changed so much that that was, like, our joke. Like, yeah, it's crazy. Like, we'd never go on a second date. Both of us said that. And it wasn't until years later that I was like, God, that was, like, such a red flag, and I didn't see it. Asking yourself that question is really, really powerful. Okay. The second thing that you can do is to be really honest and name what this is actually costing you. We're really good at naming what leaving would cost us. All the money you've invested and, like, your identity and the appearance of, like, quote, unquote, being a failure. We have way less experience naming what staying costs us. So this is a great opportunity. Grab your journal and get specific. So nothing vague and emotional. Like, specifically, what is staying in this thing costing you in time per week, in money you're investing in sleep that you're losing in. Let's just, like, track anxiety costs. Okay? How about tracking how little time you have to spend on the version of yourself you could be building? And if your energy wasn't invested in this thing, that is a waste of your time. I heard this story once about a therapist who was working with a client, and the client just could not bring herself to leave a relationship. And it was like, the guy was the worst. He'd been making her miserable. Like, did she just, like, all the things? Right? So they do this exercise, and by the time they're done, the client had calculated that the relationship was costing her around three hours of sleep every night. Okay. It was costing her hundreds of dollars a month in her anxiety meds, plus therapy. It was costing her 40% of her emotional bandwidth because she spent so much time thinking over and obsessing it and trying to fix it. And when she actually saw it writt out like that, it changed her entire perspective. Right? Because you're seeing, like, my God, this is really taking so much from me. But I never put it in those terms. And if this was a bank account that you keep deducting from, there's literally no way that you're ever going to be able to repay that debt to yourself. So that reframe could really help you. Okay? Last thing that you can do is find a way in your mind to separate the investment that you've made from the decision that you're about to make. This is like a really deliberate mental model, but it's a super important shift. Like I said earlier, like, you've already spent the money, you've already spent the time. Whether you stay or whether you go, you don't get that back. And that is not a tragedy. That is just, like, the nature of time and energy and money. They only move in one direction. All right? So any decision that you make right now, whether you decide to Stay or go or push harder or change course cannot be about honoring what you've already done. That chapter is closed. And the only question that is truly available to you now is given where you are right now, what is the next best step? That's like clear cut. That question is forward facing. It's not about guilt. It's not about fear. It's not about what other people think. It is about what is best for, for you right now. I want to also just add in that you are always making the best decision that you are capable of making. I understand that it's easy to look on our past and feel frustrated with ourselves. We're like, we should have known better. We should have done this. We should have seen that. I truly believe that every human makes the best decision that they can at the moment. And every single human has different resources, different information. Their brains work in different ways. They different levels of mental development, different levels of emotional development. Like, so many factors are at play that even when someone does really crappy, right? Like, even when you're dating some guy from a dating app and he ends up being like, total crap and he ghosts you and whatever and yeah, he's a jerk. But I do think the jerk was making the best choice that he could with where he was in his life. And that doesn't mean that he's excused from the pain that he caused. But I do think that in our lives, like, we're doing our best and you are no different. You did your best. There are a million things that I wish I could go back in time and adjust, but then I can also, like, go forward and realize I wouldn't be where I am if that hadn't happened. There are so many parts. You guys have heard me talk about this, but, like, there's so many parts of my first marriage that were really very deeply unhealthy. And I will spend, I don't want to say the rest of my life because that feels like a super bummer, but I am six years removed from that and I still have to work through that in therapy. There's so much pain that I feel about, like, how could I not have seen this? How did I not know? And if I had listened to my intuition when it first told me something was wrong, that happened like 15 years ago, probably. It was a really long time ago. And I had two little boys and I first started. Now I can look back and go, oh, that's when it started. And I didn't understand what I was experiencing and I was completely disconnected from Myself, and I didn't know. And I think of how much pain happened as a result of that, right? So, like, I can in my head go, my gosh, like, I lost so much time and, like, all of these things happen and this, this and this. But then I wouldn't have Ford and Noah. If you don't know my family, Ford is my son. He's 13, and his little sister will be nine this weekend. And my kids are my life. And I, yeah, I probably would have escaped a lot of pain, and I maybe would have escaped some pain for my two older boys, but it would have come at the loss of their younger siblings. So this is why I say I think you can't beat yourself up, because it all just, in some ways, like, it's working out for you. If you choose to see life that way, and I do, and you feeling sad that you should have done something sooner or seen something sooner, like, it's a waste of your energy. If you built a thing, you can build it again, right? If you were in love, like, you can fall in love again if that's what you want, you could try again, you could go again, you could do a thing again. Like, your life is just getting started unless you stay here and you keep investing in this person, this place, this thing, this job that you know you shouldn't be at, and then you really will waste it. You really will. People do this all the time, and I don't want you to be one of them. Walking away from something that you've invested in is not the same as saying the investment was wrong. And it's not the same as saying that you were foolish or that you were naive or you wasted your time. You believed you had hope, you walked in faith. That's more than most people will ever try and do. When you choose to have the wisdom and discernment to walk away from something that you know you're not supposed to be in. You're someone who learns and who grows and who is evolving. That's not weakness. And don't you let anybody convince you that it is. I think it's one of the most mature, courageous things that a person can do. Because it is so much easier to stay. It is so much easier to double down and to push harder and to tell yourself that, you know, if you only tried harder, maybe we could go on vacation or leaving, like, actually deciding your own path. It just. It takes a kind of bravery that most people will never find. And if you need that kind of bravery, I hope that this conversation today gave you a little bit of it. Guys, I will be back with another conversation soon. But until then, as always, I love you and I'm rooting for you. The rachel hollis podcast is produced by me, rachel hollis. It's edited by andrew weller and jack noble.
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