← The Rachel Hollis Podcast
The Rachel Hollis Podcast
942 | 7 Surprising Ways to Make Friends as an Adult (Even If You Feel Awkward)
00:54:27
This episode focuses on how adults can intentionally build meaningful friendships, especially when making friends feels harder than it did in childhood. Rachel argues that friendships in adulthood rarely happen by accident and that they require authenticity, initiative, and intentional effort.
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I had friendships built around books. I wanted to be a writer, so I went to writers conferences. I met so many amazing writers there. I love to read, so I would go to conferences and then I would meet other readers who are into the same genre of books that I was into. I have made friends with people who are way older than me, way younger than me, all around this idea of books. When my husband and I were walking the Camino de Santiago, we did that for a couple summers in a row. We would meet other people on the trail who were into, you know, challenging themselves physically and traveling to other countries. Like, I have made such good friends based on hobbies, not based on, you know, oh, we're the same age or we're neighbors. The proximity is not enough. At least not for me. Hey guys, I'm Rachel Hollis and this is the show where we talk about life, real life around here. We cover everything from habits and motivation to relationships, parenting, and what it looks like to build a life that you love. If you're trying to grow, heal, or just feel a little bit more like yourself, you're in the right place. There are a handful of topics that I have received over and over and over in the course of doing this show for almost a decade. And one of the biggest of those is is friendship. How on earth are you supposed to make friends when you are a grown up? Like, what does that look like? How does it work? Because when we Were little. You know, when you were little, you made friends based on proximity. If Becky lived next door to you, Becky was going to be your buddy or whoever was in your second grade class that those were going to be. Those were your homies. Like, that is who you were hanging out with. But now you're 30, you're 35, you're 40. Maybe you're in your 60s, and making friends at this stage in life sometimes feels harder than ever. Or you can connect with other people, but it doesn't necessarily equal friendship. And then you sort of get into these, like, symbiotic relationships with other. Maybe it's like moms at school or other people that you work with, but it's not that, like, community. Feeling of belonging, a place where you can let your freak flag fly like, it is one of the most common questions I've gotten over the years. And so today I'm gonna dive into the topic not just from a perspective of working with women a lot over the last couple of decades, but as someone who has recently moved to an entire new state and has already made so many friends, I feel like I have more ideas than ever. They are tried and tested material that I think can be really help to you guys if you are looking for some new friends. If this is the year where you really want to connect with people on a deeper level and have more fun and have more joy and get into the real life, get off your screen and into a very real life. I got some ideas. In fact, I've got seven ideas that are maybe a little different than what you've considered before, but I think potentially are going to help you find. Find your new besties. So let's jump in. Okay. My very first idea, and honestly, the entire impetus for today's episode is how you dress. Okay. What? This doesn't make. You thought I was going to tell you to, like. No, actually, this is huge. And I cannot stress it to you enough. If you want to make great new friends that feel aligned with who you are and who you want to be, you have to think about how you're dressing. Allow me to explain. Okay. In order for me to land this point, let me just, like, back up a little bit and tell you guys about. I'm not going to call it an existential crisis, but it's something along those lines. And I don't know if those of you who are in perimenopause, like, if you feel like this too, but one of the things that I have thought about, talked about to my husband, he's really tired of this conversation, bless his heart. Something I've thought about over and over in the last five years is what does the grown up version of me dress like? All right, I don't know if any of you are doing this. Like, if you are, please let me know. But there was something about hitting my 40s that really made me start to question kind of why I do anything, why I do everything, why I believe what I believe. This was a chapter in the last book was why do we believe what we believe? Because if we don't start to question those things, we can accidentally just live out a bunch of limiting beliefs that don't really apply to who we are now. But I have thought a lot about the clothes that I wear. And if you'll allow me an even deeper therapy session with you for a second, I will say that I found myself in, in an industry of personal development where nobody really looks like me. And what I mean is, if you ran into me at the grocery store, you would find me in a very different look than anything I ever wore on stage or pretty typically, anything I wore in podcast interviews. I was really aware that personal development people, I'm using air quotes and you can't see me, had a certain style. And that style, often equated to professional business, was a really common thing. And I am an entrepreneur. So I was like, well, I'm a professional woman. Let me show you my blazers. Let me rock, you know, a jacket. And I was pretty proud of the fact that I did stop wearing high heels very early on in my career. I stopped wearing dresses because that's just not my vibe. And I went to, like, jeans and a graphic tee and blazer and some sneaks. And that is what you are most likely to see me on stage. And I know I'm sort of getting off track here because we are going to talk about friends, but I think that this will translate to whatever your career is, whatever your life is, even if you're like, stay at home, mama. Just keep trucking down this road with me. So in my industry, people dress a certain way. And I got it in my head a very long time ago that I couldn't really show up fully as myself. Because, number one, I don't think when I started my career, I even totally knew who I was in terms of style. But also because I didn't see anybody who looked like me, which is a lot more hippie vibes. It's a lot more. My hair tends to be, like, big and kind of messy, and I Love a vintage concert tee. And I love jeans and I love rock rings. And I actually saw someone comment recently. I was sharing an old keynote of mine, and I'm on stage and I'm wearing a blazer, and I got this, like, tons of makeup, really shiny, perfect blowout. And someone was like, whoa, it's such a trip to see Rachel in this style. Like, I love her style so much more now. And I was so grateful for that person because I was like, thank you for reminding me that it's okay to show up as myself. But I find it really funny how easy it is for us to get taken in by a certain way of dressing. Like, if we don't know how we think we look great, then we tend to emulate other people's style. Or we emulate the style of our office place. We emulate the style of the other moms at school. Drop off, we dress like other people. That's really common in a community because you want to belong, but actually beyond how good it is for your soul and your spirit and all of these things, actually, one of the fastest ways that you can find your people is to dress in a way you think is cool. Okay. So I did this when we moved from LA to the Hudson Valley in New York. If you're not familiar with this area, it's like two hours north of Manhattan out in the country. Okay. And I knew for a fact that I was going to go into environments where the other moms are a lot more preppy, a lot more WASPy, a lot more like, it's not my style. I love it for them. It's not for me. And I knew when I was moving from la, where you can dress however you want, to this very specific area in New York, that the women I was most likely to run into around here were other moms at school and that they would be dressed a certain way. And I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I didn't think about. I could very easily adopt the style so that I could be more like those moms at the same time, I feel like I did that my whole life with other moms at school. Like, I tried to dress like the other moms because I felt insecure that I was so different than the other moms. I've always been a working mom. I've always been. I wasn't able to come and volunteer in the class, and I wasn't able to do these things. And I always felt very, like, a certain amount of shame around that when I would Interact with the other PTA moms. And so one of the ways that you can sort of make yourself feel like you fit in is to, like, look like everybody else. So when I came here and I saw the style, I was like, oh, dang, okay. I am so different than these moms. Like, I'm talking you guys. Like, I wish I had a movie example of how they dress. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Think, like, yuppie East Coast. I don't know. Their great, great, great grandfather founded a town. Like, this is, like, this is old money, okay? And your. Your girl does not. You know, I. I'm rocking my Metallica T shirt. Like, it just doesn't fit. But I had this thought when I first moved here. I'm like, sister, you are 43 years old. And I'll tell you what, trying to fit in and be like the other moms never really worked. So what if you just show up in this space as yourself? Like, what if you just wear what you think is cool and whatever happens, happens? You know what it's like to have an entire life never bonding with the other moms at school? And if you don't bond with other moms at school, at least you didn't show up as some fake version of yourself and felt uncomfortable and still didn't make friends. From the very beginning, I really went out of my way to. Every day I put on an outfit that I feel like makes me feel really great and that if I go out into the world, you're like, oh, that's okay. That's what she dresses like. I have stopped completely trying to dress in a certain way. In fact, like, the last moment for me, because I know some of you guys are in coaching with me, the last moment was I wore this beautiful green blazer for my very first coaching session of the year. And I was like, this is amazing. It's Veronica Beard. It looks so good. I did this green on green thing. I loved it. And then I was watching the video later, and I was like, this is such a trip. This is not me. And what happens is when you show up, even if you're being like yourself, your personality, authentically, your packaging, the outfit you're wearing is telling the world who you are. When you think about a brand, like a brand that's out in the world, like Coca Cola or, you know, a pop star or something, brand is who people think you are that don't know you. And when you're trying to make friends, when you're actually trying to authentically connect with other people, everyone's going to have a perception of you based on the packaging. So for me, I was like, well, I'm looking at this video of me and coaching. I'm like, I look really pretty. I'm, you know, the outfit's great, but it's just not me. And I would rather at this point in my life, show up as myself, be authentically myself and have people be really clear about whether or not, like, you're either gonna get it, you're gonna catch the vibe, you're gonna want the vibe, you're gonna wanna be my friend, or you're gonna see it and be like, that's not for me. So I just gave myself this little gift coming into this year that I was gonna dress as myself. New place, new energy. And the craziest thing happened. I have made more friends, more connections coming here than I have in the last decade. And that is the honest to God truth. And there's a bunch of things that I've done that I think help with that process, which is what I'm making my list from today. But the biggest one is this. When you dress in a way that you think is cool, immediately people who are like you are like, there she is, there she is. I see her and, and that's whatever you dig. So if you love a matching set from Lulu and you show up at school, drop off and you see other moms who are also like straight from Pilates, and that's something you're aspiring for. Amazing. Like, you found your people. If you are a professional and you love like a crisp, fabulous suit, you better show up in that suit because somewhere else in the crowd is someone like you who's like, oh my gosh, there she is. Healthy living is built on everyday habits. And one of my favorites that I have been harping on for about a decade is hydration. It's so stinking important, you guys. And not just drinking enough water, but making sure the water you're drinking is safe. With Aquasana filters, you get healthier odor free water that tastes amazing. I told you guys that I brought the on the counter Aquasana filter out into my new office. We are out in the country now, so we're on well water, which is great, but I also just want to make sure that it's clean. Aquasana's advanced filtration removes harmful contaminants while preserving the beneficial minerals. So every sip supports better hydration. Visit aquasana.com and use promo code rape for up to 50% off select systems that's A Q U A S A N A.com promo code R A C H Aquasana. Healthy living starts with healthy water. You know how you slice up an apple for the kids and then like 10 minutes later because they're little and they didn't eat it. The apple's now brown and now they won't eat it because they think there's something wrong with it. That is not the case with Opal apples. These bright yellow beauties stay naturally crisp and non browning. No preservatives, no tricks, just nature doing its thing. They're also packed with the good stuff. Fiber, vitamin C, antioxidants, everything you'd want from a wholesome, real fruit snack that fuels your day. Guys, they're sweet, they're crisp, they're juicy, they're refreshing. It's the perfect apple. And I'm a little bit partial. My grandma's name was Opal, so I feel like anything with her name on it is always going to be good for me. You can find Opal apples in the produce section of your favorite grocery store or on instacart.com. visit opalapples.com to learn more. So a couple weekends ago I got invited to a dinner party. And the dinner party is like 10 moms from my kids school. And first of all, that's so exciting because I feel like that's something that doesn't happen in la or if it does, nobody invited me. And I had this moment where I was like, oh my gosh, what do people wear to dinner parties here? It was a new friend that I wasn't super familiar with, so I hadn't really hung out with them in any setting. And she was inviting me to a dinner party with all the moms in her friend group and I had no idea what to expect. But when I was getting ready, I was like, okay, you can show up in an outfit that is like guaranteed to make you feel like you're everybody else, right? You can wear like a beautiful, I had just gotten like this beautiful vent sweater and I could wear a great pair of slacks and I could like, I knew the outfit that would for sure fit right in. Or you can wear what's going to make you feel the absolute best going into this situation as much as I was wearing my shirt was styled and my jeans were paint splattered, but they're still a really nice brand. And I wore Doc Martens and I wore my jewelry and I felt great going to this party because I felt like myself and I wasn't sort of like, trying to be anybody but me. And I walk in, the woman who invites me, she opens the front door, and she's wearing this beautiful blouse and beautiful slacks and beautiful pair of flats, and everything's very perfect. And she looked gorgeous. And immediately in my brain, I'm like, oh, gosh, I am underdressed. I wasn't underdressed because I had, like, put all the thought into my outfit, and I looked really good, and I felt really good, but based on what she was wearing, I'm not in the right fit. And then I walk in like there's another mom who's wearing, like, a beautiful skirt and a sweater. And I'm like, oh, the dinner party here means something fancier than I was expecting, right? And it's just like, one by one, I see all these moms, and I'm like, oh, okay. I sort of, like, did this wrong, my outfit. And then across the room, I see another moment who's wearing bluntstone boots and a T shirt. And. And it was like, oh, there you are. And the reality is, I got along with everybody. I had so much fun. I talked to everyone because I felt really great. I felt confident in myself. And so I was just like, hey, what's up? Like, what's your vibe? But I loved that I immediately saw this other mom, and I was like, we're gonna vibe because we're the people who wore Doc Martens to the dinner party. But if you do that, you're immediately gonna find your person, whether it's the dinner party or the party. I have a girlfriend who was going to her first red tie event, and she sent me a voicemail when she's like, you know, I was so excited about my outfit. I like, it's sort of like streetwear, and it. Like, I was really pumped about it, but I just got the invitation, and the invitation says cocktail attire, and she's not a girly girl at all. And she's masculine energy, and she's, like, got this street vibe, and she's got really cool style, but she's like, I don't know what to. I don't even know what that means. Like, I feel like I should go get something different. What should I do? And I sent her back a note. I was like, I promise you, you will make such a better impression if you show up in this space in an outfit that you feel confident in than when you are trying to dress like what you think people want you to dress like. So this is the silliest piece of advice. You're gonna Be like, no, this is not. I am telling you that every single community has a uniform. They have their version of a uniform. Pilates girls love a matching set. Okay, if you're, like, creative, you know, maybe it's like the oversized linen button down and, like, really funky jewelry. If you're corporate vibes, then it's blazers and your hair is blown out. If it's, I don't know, you're into gardening, it's burks and a floppy sun hat and oversized overalls. I am telling you, every community has a uniform. And the easiest way to find people in the community you want to be inside of is to dress like who you want to be friends with. Think of, like, high school cafeteria energy, right? We were sorted socially by, like, visual cues. The cheerleaders had their cheerleading outfits and they had the bows in their hair. And, you know, the goth community was, like, all in black and they were rocking their docks. And us theater kids, we were the freaks and geeks. We wore everything you can possibly imagine. But you knew kind of who belonged where based on their outfit. And the same is true for you. Not only is it going to help you find your people, but I think it's also going to help you feel more confident in who you are. This is not about faking energy. This is about signaling to yourself and others what you're interested in. And I think this one is especially important for anybody who's working on becoming the future version of themselves to consider, like, what do you think is cool? Okay, One kind of funny way to think about this is I want you to imagine how you dress now and whether or not you feel, like, so freaking pumped about your personal style and how you present yourself to the world. Like, if you feel so confident in your personal style, if you don't, okay, I want you to imagine a celebrity that you admire who has your personal style that you currently have. And then I want you to think of a celebrity that has a personal style you would love to have, and then ask yourself which one you would rather be friends with. Okay, so here's my example. I think that when I have tried to find a way to kind of leave the personal development blazer behind, I did it in such a manner that, like, I kind of dipped my toe in the water. And, like, in real life, I'm just, like, full hippie vibes. And if I ever make a story for Instagram or something, you'll see me in my actual vibes. But then when I would go to tape a podcast interview or if I was Making a video, I would kind of, like, meet halfway in between. And my version of halfway in between was, like, a button down, popped collar jewelry. But it still is a lot more fun formal than I would get pumped about. And when I asked myself this question, I was like, what celebrity dresses like this? And what celebrity has style that you love? And which one would you rather be friends with? This is where my brain went. The celebrity that has the style that I'm most likely to be seen in over the last couple years on camera would be, like, maybe Gwyneth Paltrow. Like, the button down thing still kind of natural, but, like, still wearing a Ralph Lauren button down. But then the style of the people, like, who popped in my head immediately. And I don't even know if you're gonna know who this is. There's a stylist named Melody Asani. Her partner is Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And if you don't know this couple, I need you to just go look at anything they do or where they're so creative. They. They're so cool. And I was like, would you rather be friends? You get to choose. You get to be best friends with Gwyneth Paltrow or Melody Asani and Flea, y'. All. It's not even a choice. And Gwyneth seems awesome. Yeah, I'd love for her to make me lunch from her garden. But given the choice, all day long, I want to be friends with Melody and Flea. His name is Flea. It's not even an option. And maybe that sounds like your nightmare. Maybe you're like, I would rather die. Great. Who is your version of that? And then are you showing up as that person? Because it's the fastest, easiest way for you to be able to find someone like you. And it also is so inspiring and helpful to your confidence in yourself when you have the courage to show up as the person you actually are. All right, that first one was, like, there were 20 layers to that. Let's go into the rest of the list. I promise they're not all gonna be that deep, but I need you to start dressing as yourself. And if you don't know who you actually are, you don't know the style that you aspire to. Start paying attention. Start looking at people. Start seeing what you admire, and then trying it on and seeing if you feel better in that outfit or worse. It's time for some spring cleaning, guys. And even better, spring is the perfect time to reset your space. Good news. 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the second thing that you can do to make new, great, fabulous friends is advice I've given you before, but I'm just going to keep saying it forever. You need to sign up for a class. Okay? And when I say sign up for a class, I mean the more niche class you can sign up for, the better. So I love a gym membership. I love that you're getting out there. I love that you're moving your body. I love that you got a place to go and you're surrounded by other people and cool energy. But if you're at the gym, you're like smiling at the people you see all the time. You're like hey, are you done with this machine? That's not necessarily an opportunity to make a deep and lasting friendship. But if you are in a hyper specific workshop for something you are really into, it is a great opportunity to bond because only other people who are really into that thing would sign up for this class. So like a sourdough class or women's trail running or the Cold Plunge Club. Or you're going to sign up for a creative writing circle that specifically focuses on vampire love stories. Or maybe you're going to volunteer in the community garden because you really want to grow marigolds. Like it doesn't matter what it is, but signing up for a class is a great way to find someone who is interested in what you are interested in I will beat on this drum forever that we actually make great friends when we have things in common that we're interested in. And I am sorry, I know this makes me a bad mommy, but I do not think that having kids the same age is a hall pass for friendship. If you have found the most amazing mom friends because they were the girls in your kids class, great, that's awesome. But I don't think that that's an automatic signal that you're gonna be buddies with someone. That's just proximity, right? We're both gonna be at the class picnic. We're both gonna be at eighth grade graduation. But that doesn't necessarily bond us. And I do think younger me felt really disconnected because I was like, I don't. I am not finding anything in common with these other moms. And then that made me feel really other and really weird. The cool thing was I had friendships built around books. I wanted to be a writer, so I went to writers conferences. I met so many amazing writers there. I love to read, so I would go to conferences and then I would meet other readers who are into the same genre of books that I was into. I have made friends with people who are way older than me, way younger than me, all around this idea of books. When my husband and I were walking the Camino de Santiago, we did that for a couple summers in a row. We would meet other people on the trail who were into, you know, challenging themselves physically and traveling to other countries. Like, I have made such good friends based on hobbies, not based on, you know, oh, we're the same age or we're neighbors. It's the proximity is not enough. At least not for me. The other cool thing about a class is that, you know that that person is the kind of person who commits and shows up to something. I hear a lot of people talk about flaky friends. Like they're trying to make friends, and the people they're trying to make friends with are flaky. If someone signed up for a 9am sourdough workshop for the next eight Saturdays, you better believe that they're gonna show up to coffee with you. Like, that's someone who is looking for energy. They're looking for vibe. They're looking for input in their life. And that's way funner than just like, oh, we both go to the same church. Like, yeah, that's enough to have an acquaintance. But I don't know if, at least not for me, that's not enough to actually have something deeper run. Clubs are exploding right now. That's such a fun thing. And you don't have to be some aggressive runner. You could just show up and meet other people in your cities. Book talk is a big one. They're doing meetups over certain books that everybody loved. There are adults summer camps now, or maybe you go on a yoga retreat. Just start with something you are interested in and look to see if there are workshops or classes that you can join to find other people who are into it, too. And I just want to say you do not have to be perfect at the thing. You just have to be curious and interested in the thing. In fact, if you're doing a beginner's workshop or a beginner's class, you are going to bond over that shared discomfort, which is going to accelerate the intimacy in your relationship because you've been through something that other people haven't been through. Okay, the third thing that I want you to start doing and like girls, boys, friends. If you actually want more community, not just say it, but actually want it, you have to start saying yes to almost everything, literally anything you get invited to. If it is an invitation, I want you to think of like Jim Carrey in the movie. Yes, man, you're saying yes. Do you want to come to lunch? Yes. Do you want to go to this dinner party with a bunch of women you don't know? Yes. Do you want to volunteer? Yep, I sure do. Just go to things if you want a better chance. This is. This is true for success in life or opportunity in life. If you want a better chance of being successful at anything, you have to make your target bigger. Meaning, like, imagine that you being friends with you is like the bullseye in a dartboard. You're the bullseye. Being friends with you is the bullseye. But right now, you only go to your work and to home and to church on Sunday. Okay? Those are three spots that you go. So you are only ever going to meet friends because your bullseye is only inclusive of work, home, and church on Sunday. So if you want the chance to have more success, more, meet more people, maybe experience more opportunities, see more things, you've got to make the bullseye in your dartboard bigger. That means expanding. That means going to a different coffee shop. That means signing up for another class. That means saying yes to everything that you get offered, even if you're like, well, I have never done this before. I got to have lunch last week with Seth Godin, which is a pretty phenomenal thing to get to do. And originally I was gonna go drive to his office and we were gonna meet for lunch, and then at the last minute, started snowing a bunch here in New York State. And I got an email from him that said that he always does this skiing thing when it's snowing. When it snows over a certain amount, he has a rule, and then he goes skiing. So he's like, you know, I'm gonna do this thing. Would you wanna meet me after skiing and we'll go to this spot and I'll make a picnic? And I was like, yes, of course. That is what I want to do. It was so different than anything anyone has ever thought of for a lunch before that. Also, I was like, I. I mean, don't we all? I want to be more like Seth. I want to be more intentional with, like, let's not just have a work lunch. Let's, like, go to this lodge, and then I'm going to make a picnic lunch, and we're going to sit there and. And, like, it was so cool, and it was so different. And it just makes your brain and your heart expand in different ways. And if I. And he gave me an out, he was like, if this is a little too weird, like, just come to the office still, like, we'll. We'll change it to a different day. And I was like, no. Oh, my gosh, this sounds so fun. Say yes to everything. Because now I have this experience. And even the place that we went to, I'm like, oh, I want to take my kids there. Like, this is so cool. I wouldn't know that place existed if I hadn't said yes to something that I was unfamiliar with. I mention that because I do think that sometimes we want more friends. Or maybe you're looking for love. Maybe you want a romantic relationship. But then we want those things to fit into a box that we feel safe with. We want to control all the variables. Like, well, I want a friend, but I want that friend to only want to hang out during certain weeks of my cycle. And I want them to be okay if I cancel last minute. And I want it to only happen over lunch on Tuesdays. And stop. It's like you have some kind of block in between what you say you want and what you are willing to trade in order to get it. And I'm telling you right now, if you want the reality of a great new friendship, you're going to have to do things differently than you currently do them. And that might mean being a little uncomfortable for a while. And that's okay, because that's only gonna serve you and make you a more well rounded person. Cause you're willing to push yourself outside your comfort zone. Okay. The fourth thing that I think you could do to make more friends. I hope you're noticing that a lot of the things on this list are about working on yourself and then working on yourself. You attract a higher vibe person. But I digress. Number four is go on artists dates. If you've ever read the Artist's Way by Julie Cameron, you know this one already and hopefully you are engaging in it already. If you haven't ever done the Artist's Way, this is your nudge, your reminder, your push to do it. That book has got to be at least 30 years old at this point and is an absolutely incredible resource to getting more in touch with your creative side. Even if you are someone who doesn't think you are creative. I vehemently disagree. I think every human on this planet is creative. And I think the reason so many people are angry and bitter is because they are out of touch with their creative side. And it would make your heart feel so good to just lean into a more creative life if you want to go on that journey. The book is called the Artist way. It's a 12 week process. It's like a workbook that you go through and you do all these activities. But there are two things that the Artist's Way that are just like sacrosanct in that process. One is morning pages and the second is artist dates. And essentially it is the idea that one time a week, it's like an hour long, you take yourself on a date by yourself, nobody else is allowed to go. And the date is meant to be something that you find interesting or curious or fantastic, fun or joy. It's supposed to allow you to get in touch with your childhood self. Like you go to a toy store or candy shop or I go to museums a lot. I took myself into the city, I will go do something by myself. Just go to a new coffee shop, go on a walk in the park. It does not have to cost you any money. The idea is that you are being very intentional in choosing something that's like a new experience to fill your spirit. So think bookstore, flower show. You know, maybe you see a cool lecture at the college near your house or you go to an open house at a pottery studio. I think that you feeding your creative spirit will only serve to make you a more interesting person, a more curious person, and therefore more receptive to new friendships. If you think of every interesting person you've ever met, guy or Girl, just in the course of your life, you think of someone interesting that you've interacted with, they do interesting things. That's why we think people are interesting. They're doing interesting things. If there's someone in your life who just does the same monotonous routine over and over and over, if you maybe are the person, if you're being honest with yourself, that you're like, yeah, I do the same eight things over and over and over. And just time is passing and there's nothing interesting. Magnetism like people being interested in you as a person romantically or for friendships. Like, that's a feeling, and that feeling is energy. It's vitality. It's coming off of you, and it's something that you have to generate in yourself. When you are lit up, when you are excited, when you have your cup full, you are way easier to connect with, and you are way more interested in connecting with other people. And by the way, you have stuff to talk about when you go to the, like, the dinner party or you're at the church function, or you're, like, meeting other people at work, and they're like, oh, what? You know, what are you doing this summer? And you're like, you know, I. I think my family's going to rent a pontoon. I mean, that'd be amazing. I love a pontoon moment. But, like, if you don't have anything to bring to the conversation, I think it's embarrassing for you. And I've been that person where I'm like, well, I don't know. I've been raising these kids. That's what I'm doing. What a bummer. There's nothing to add to that. Like, there's nothing. There's no life there. I think we've all experienced seasons where for whatever reason, like, you're in a routine, or maybe you're just trying to keep your head above water, or maybe it's you coming out the other side of a hard season and you don't have a lot to give, and so you don't have anything to report on. Right. What does it look like when you are excited about something, when you have done a really cool thing, when you got something going on that's huge. That is so huge. And other people feel that. So the artist date, it's literally one hour a week that you go do something fun by yourself for yourself. It does not have to cost you a lot of money. It doesn't have to cost you any money at all. Are you willing to set aside time to Feed your spirit and to feed your joy and to give yourself new experiences just to be a more fulfilled person. Okay, Number five in how you're gonna make new friends, great friends, better friends, a friend. Be the one who follows up. Be the one who follows up. This is where so many people drop the ball. Like, you meet someone, you have a good conversation. You're both like, oh, we should do this again, and then nothing happens. Everyone's sort of waiting for the other person to be the one who says, like, oh, let's do. I am the per. If you say to me, this literally just happened. A mom in the. In the group that I went to dinner with a couple weekends ago sent me a text, and I really like her. Remember matching outfits? Okay, so everything about her, like, we're vibing. I feel like we're similar. I definitely want to be better friends with her. She sent me a text today and was like, oh, my gosh. We should get together. And I immediately was like, yes, 100%. Do y' all want to come over for dinner? Should we do this? Should we do that? Like, I immediately sent out options and dates because, like, I'm gonna close this deal. I'm gonna make this thing happen. Everybody's busy. And when someone doesn't reach out to you, how often do you take it personally? You're like, oh, well, I thought we had a thing. But, like, then she didn't want to. What if she's over there thinking the same thing you are? By the way, this is, like, such an incredible filter for you to filter out the flakes. If someone says, that was awesome. We should do it again, and you're like, oh, cool. How about we do it again in a month? Here's three dates that work for me, and that person doesn't close the loop. That's signaling something to you. And we don't have time for flakes. We're uninterested in that. Flakes might be great and entertaining at, you know, the holiday party, but they're not who we're trying to build a deeper relationship with. So be the one who follows up. Throw out dates. Tell them ideas. What if we do this, this, and this? Like, friendship favors the brave. It favors the person that's willing to ask for the thing that they want. And if you do that and that person doesn't respond, that is your signal. That is all you need. You don't have to make up some whole, like, story. And. Oh, my gosh. I knew it. I said such a weird thing. I. Oh, my gosh you guys, I did say such a weird thing. I have to tell you the other night. I just don't think it's possible that this person would listen to this podcast. And if they do. Oh my gosh. Okay, let me tell you this story. Full disclosure. Noah's birthday was this last weekend. We had a party here with some of her friends from school. And I am not gonna lie, it's a personal nightmare. Okay. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I know you're not supposed to say that. I get really stressed out by other people's children. Specifically if it's kids. I don't know if it's like my nieces and nephews or my friends kids, I love them. Be over here. Do the thing. Do you guys feel like this? Like they're now at an age where the parents drop them off, they don't stay. So I just have such fear. What if they get hurt? What if something happened? I don't know. I just like, I just have the responsibility of these other people's children and it just feels very stressful to me. And the whole time, like, they had a great time. We made pasta together. Cause that's Noah's favorite food. And then we made pavlovas. It was like a whole kitchen theme thing. And like we did. They had a great time. Noah lived her best life. All of that to say when it was done, I was so happy. I was so freaking happy that it was over. I am so sorry. This is literally nothing. They were the sweetest little girls ever. Nothing against them. It's just like a feeling in me. I was so happy it was done. Okay, fast forward. I'm happy it's done. It's five o' clock. And now we're going to make dinner for Noah's birthday. Dinner, Family dinner. And it's lasagna. And so I'm gonna have a little champagne. Okay. I survived the war. And by war, I mean I made it through a bunch of little eight year old girls and doing a whole day of cooking with them and I'm just like so happy that it's done. And now we're on to like family dinner and I have some champagne and I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a pretty bad lightweight. I don't. I can't. I'm not a strong drinker. I can't hold a lot. So I had, had champagne. I hadn't eaten very much. I'd had a single glass of champagne. So like I'm half In the back. Not really. But, like, I'm not. It's fine. I'm at home. I'm not doing, like, it's. Except that Sawyer was bringing his girlfriend over for dinner. Okay? She's coming over for dinner. She's bringing her little brother, and she's bringing her little brother because Ford is friends with little brother. So, like, this is fine. We got these kids coming over. It's fine. But in my brain, I did not know I was gonna meet their mom. All right? I thought, it's a. They're teenagers. They're coming over. I just. It didn't click in my brain. So there I am, you know, Kez is cooking. I'm sipping on my little glass of champagne, and Sawyer comes in, and he's like, her mom's here. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. Great. I'm like, okay, I'm going to go out and meet the mom. Wasn't expecting that. Cool. I'm fine. I've literally interviewed Arnold Schwarzenegger. I've sat down with a president before. This is not a big deal. I'm just going to shake a hand and whatever. But it was this weird. I still. I blacked out. I don't even know. It was one of those things. Have you ever experienced a moment where I was talking and then, like, nobody else would talk? Because I realize now, like, both of the kids were pretty shy. Obviously, this girl's coming to her boyfriend's house. That's scary. She's meeting his mom. That's scary. And then the mom was, like, very sweet, but not as yappy as me. And so I'm, like, trying to talk, but then no one would respond. It was so weird. So then I'm just like, keep talking. Like, just keep going, Rach. Is what my. So I'm like, I'm. I'm trying every. I'm, like, making jokes. I'm like, whatever. I don't know if I was out in my foyer talking to them for three minutes or 30. I really. It was one of the most mortifying. I've replayed it in my mind 150 times. Like, I don't know. I kept trying. Like, I said to the mom, I was like, oh, do you want to. Would you like to come in and have champagne? Have a glass of champagne? Because I thought, well, let's get to know each other. And she was like, no, thank you. But then I panicked, and I was like, does she think that I want her to have champagne and then drive? And so then I, like, made A bad joke. I was like, you know, or have a cocktail. Drive yourself home. It just. It was the. It was like a stand up routine where no one is laughing and no one's responding to me. And it was a car wreck. I couldn't stop word vomiting. And we laughed about this, you guys. Like, after they let. We laughed about this. Like, Sawyer followed me into the kitchen, and he was like, what just happened? And I was like, why did you talk? Like, why did you. No one was talking. And he was like, I was nervous. It was her mom. And I'm like, I know, but you left me. I walked the plank. And then I just stood there. It was you guys. It was so mortifying. Okay. I came back in the kitchen. Kez was like, what just happened? Why were you gone so long? I can't. I don't know. I really don't know what happened. But I was so embarrassed because I just knew whatever that mom thinks of me, that I just didn't stop talking for a while. And then eventually they, you know, she went on with her night or whatever, and I was so embarrassed. I'm like, I'm pretty good with people. I don't normally have a situation where I just, you know, someone thinks I jabber jaws. I don't know. And then I was like, if this was me 10 years ago, I'd replay that moment for the next decade and be like, rumor that time that you talked too much. And, like, clearly the other person wasn't vibing it and you just kept going. And now I'm sort of like, well, what? I mean, my heart was pure. Like, I was just trying to kind of. And if you. If for whatever reason, she. She thinks I'm a weirdo who talks too much, that's okay. I probably am a little bit of a weirdo who talks too much. And if that doesn't resonate with her, then cool. Well, we weren't supposed to be, you know, besties anyway. And that's okay. Making friends. It requires some vulnerability on your part. And it requires that sometimes you're gonna put yourself out there and someone's not gonna, you know, hit the ball back across the net. And that's okay. Cause this is part of the process. And I'd rather keep trying to show up as myself and see if I can, you know, find anyone who digs the mom who talks too much than someone who always says the right thing and wears the perfect matching sweater set. Okay, two more in my list of ideas. I hope that you will take one of these into Your week and test it out and see how it goes. Number six is become a regular. Become a regular anywhere. Go to the same coffee shop every Thursday, or visit the same stall at the farmer's market on the weekend, or take the same class at the gym every single week, or take your dog to the dog park at the same time. When you become a regular, you will see other regulars. And if you think of, like, you know, the crew at in the show Cheers, if you're old enough to remember the show Cheers, or everybody hanging out at Central Perk, on Friends, they were regulars in a certain space, and the repetition builds familiarity. So you see people and then it's not weird to be like, oh, what was your name again? You know, I do that all the time. When I go to a coffee shop over and over and I see the same cashier or the same barista, I always ask their name. So then the next time you come in, you're like, oh, thanks. Thanks, Rick. That, you know, the oat milk cortata was delicious. Whatever. It just creates a sense of community. And inside of that community is a comfort level that will allow you to make conversation or allow other people to make conversation with you. So becoming a regular is this thing that you can do to start to push yourself out there. And it doesn't mean that you have to start, like, trying to make friends immediately. But if you have heard some of my ideas and they make you feel a little nervous, this is kind of a gentle one to push you in the direction of creating community within your community. Remember, consistency is going to reduce the social friction because you're going to be in a space more and more and more, and it's going to feel more comfortable for you to be yourself. All right, my last piece of advice in making friends is be honest about the fact that you're trying to make friends. Just tell people, instead of pretending that you're really cool and that you have all sorts of stuff going on, just say it like, oh, yeah, this is, you know, one of my goals this year is to make new friends. Or one of my goals is to make friends who are into things that are different than what I've been into so that I can, like, learn more about xyz. Because I think that you being honest will accelerate the connection and also make it so that if there's someone else in that group who is also looking for friendship, they immediately, oh, my gosh, me too. You know, the fastest way that you're gonna make a friend is that you connect with someone who Wants a friend. Not everybody does. That has nothing to do with you. Some people are busy. Some people are stressed. Some people are just, like, not capable of it. That has nothing to do with you. But chances are there are other people in your community right now who also want friends, and you have to be open to what that friendship looks like. This kind of goes back to this idea of trying to control a situation when you think that your friend needs to be. They need to look like you. Be the same age, be into exactly the same stuff, come from the same background work at the same industry. I just feel like you're lost. You're already lost because you are closing yourself off to so many cool people that are gonna bring so much vibrancy and life to your life because they're different than you. Remember. We're looking for, like, some shared hobbies and some shared interest. Not an exactly perfect twin of yourself. Admit that you're trying to make friends. I just think that it accelerates the process so much faster. Yeah, it's not an easy thing. Right? It's not an easy thing to put yourself out there at any age. But I think especially when we're older, because we think we should have this figured out. And you see people online, like, I saw this post the other day. Sarah Blakely always takes, like, her childhood best friends on a vacation every year, and she has, like, 20 of them. And they all, like, go on a plane and they go to all these cool places once a year. And I'm like, that is this image that I have in my mind that all these other women are rolling with, like, 20 best friends. And it's really easy to see that stuff and then make yourself feel bad because you're like, well, I don't even have one best friend, you know, or like, my husband's my best friend. Like, what is that? What does that mean? But just the act of being open to it, opening your heart to the possibility of some new friendships this year and being willing to put yourself out there and not attaching your ego to how it goes. And whether or not you feel like they're responding, whether or not it feels like they're liking you. Just practice showing up as yourself and seeing if you can find some other people who are interested in who you really are, not who you think you're supposed to be. Like anything else, friendship is not something that you're going to just stumble on at this age. Like, if it is amazing, and that's incredible for you, But I think at this age, with the kind of friendships that we want to have. It really looks like you building something on purpose. I know we went all over the board today you guys, but I hope that some of these ideas were helpful. You got some insights and I hope you start wearing cool outfits and feeling like you're. Like you're showing up as your whole self. Whoever that is. We will be back soon with more conversation. Until then, as always guys, I love you and I'm rooting for you. The rachel hollis podcast is produced by me, rachel hollis. It's edited by andrew weller and jack noble.
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