← The Rachel Hollis Podcast
The Rachel Hollis Podcast
943 | "Rach, he left me 2 years ago and I still cant get over him!" "Am I too old to become a nurse?"
00:32:42
This episode features Rach answering listener voicemails about relationships, pursuing ideas, and chasing dreams later in life. Her advice focuses on self-respect, realistic thinking, and taking action without overcomplicating things.
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- [00:00]
Rachel Hollis
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- [00:40]
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
If I wanted to stay obsessed with someone who left me, I would make it about winning. I would fantasize about the day that he realizes what he lost, right? I would obsess over closure because it would prove something to me. I would obsess over him regretting it. Sometimes it's not about being attached, even to the person. It's about restoring our pride. Like on some level, this is a mystery that you want to solve because you're like, he picked this fight and it was about something little and then he left. Your brain wants to solve that mystery. You get to have closure on this situation the second that you choose to, not the second that he gives you closure.
- [02:14]
Rachel Hollis
Okay, guys, welcome to Ask Rach. This is one of my favorite traditions here on the podcast because I get to hear from from you.
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Caller Sarah
Hey Rach.
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Caller Leah
Hey, Rach. Hi, Rachel.
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Rachel Hollis
Every single week, you guys call the
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
hotline, tell me what's going on in
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Rachel Hollis
your life, and I give you real talk and tough love and the big sister energy you didn't know you always needed. So if you've got a question about
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
life, love, work, parenting, how to find
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Rachel Hollis
your purpose, honestly, anything, call me and spill it. 737-400-4626. And your question might just show up right here on the podcast. Let's see what the community is asking about today.
- [03:04]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Hi guys, it's Rach. Welcome to a new episode of the show and a new addition in our Ask Rach series. If you're new around here, Ask Rach is a long standing thing that we do on the show where people call in and leave me a voicemail. In the voicemail, they ask me questions
- [03:24]
Rachel Hollis
about anything and everything.
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Relationships and body image and whether they should move jobs, move companies, move boyfriends. We've talked about professions and writing books and whether they should start a podcast. I mean, literally, you name it. People have asked me in the last six years of doing this series and, and today is no exception. We're gonna dive into some voicemails here together. And I like to remind people always that I'm just a chick, you know, on the Internet. So if I say something you think is awesome, try it out, see if it works for you. And if I give advice you think is stupid, you just go ahead and ignore it.
- [04:00]
Rachel Hollis
No one's forcing you to believe anything.
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
And on that note, let's jump in
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Rachel Hollis
and see what the kids are asking today.
- [04:08]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Always. I don't know what the voicemail's about, but this one says feelings for her ex, which sounds like we should get into it. Let's see what's going on.
- [04:20]
Caller Sarah
Hey, Rach, it's Sarah. Thank you so much for giving me the space to ask this question. So I had what you'd call a situationship. I reconnected with an ex boyfriend after decades apart. It was brief, but honestly, it felt amazing. Then, out of nowhere, he picked up, picked a silly fight, and then ghosted me. That was over two and a half years ago. I've only run into him once since, and it's obvious there are still feelings on both sides. I know I still long for him to reach out, to show up, to choose me. But I also know deep down that he's either unwilling or incapable of giving me what I need. Of course I went through the whole spiral. What's wrong with me? Was I too much? Not attractive enough, all of that? Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be longing for someone who disappears when things get real. But the hope is still there, and I can't seem to shake it. I've been in therapy the entire two and a half years, tried everything, and I still can't seem to fully let him go. I want to. I want to release this attachment because I don't think he's ever coming back. And even if he did, I doubt he'd show up as an emotionally mature adult. I even tell myself that if I met him today, without our history, I probably wouldn't be interested at all I just don't know how to let this go for good. Please help.
- [06:05]
Rachel Hollis
Okay, Sarah, I think we all felt that one with you. I think we all felt that heart ache.
- [06:12]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
And I know that this is a really tender topic, and I want to start by saying that I understand that. But also, you know me. And I think that you probably are asking me this question because you know that I do love you and I will be tender with you. But in this instance, I want to give you ideas that I think will be helpful and not just a continuation
- [06:41]
Rachel Hollis
of what you're already in.
- [06:43]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Okay. We have to start with the understanding that if this was an explosive breakup, like, if it was something big and
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Rachel Hollis
dramatic, it probably would be easier for you.
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
I think one of the things that feels hardest about this situation is that it seems like it ended over something kind of dumb. And, you know, from your story, it doesn't sound like there was cheating and there wasn't betrayal. There was no, like, smoking gun that you can point to. It was just him deciding that he was done. And that's the truth of it. When someone walks away like that, it messes with our head. That's human. That's real. But that also doesn't help you to get over him. So what I actually thought of in this instance was playing off the inverse. So, meaning you've done everything that you can think of for the past two and a half years, and it hasn't worked. So we need to try something different. And in business, sometimes when you're trying to get to a goal, the fastest way to get to the goal is to reverse engineer. It's so you think of the inverse. So let's ask a different question. Let's ask the opposite of what you want to happen. Let's ask if you wanted to be obsessed with a man who does not want to be in a relationship with you, that has nothing to do with him. He is an idiot. You're awesome, you're wonderful, you're beautiful, you're hot. You're all of those things. If he doesn't want you, he. He's an idiot. But you do have to realize that that is what he is showing you. If he wanted to, he would. And girl, he. He isn't. So if I wanted to be obsessed with a man who does not want to be in a relationship with me, who is not emotionally available, who isn't a good guy, who any of those things, let's build a playbook for how to be obsessed with someone who does not want us. And this sounds harsh, but we have to look at the reality of what is actually going on. So if I wanted to be obsessed with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with me, the first thing that I'm going to do is romanticize the past. All right? And now I'm taking you through these because what I'm hoping is that you hear me saying them, and you're like, omg, I'm totally doing that. The first thing that I would do is I'd romanticize the past. So if I wanted to obsess over an ex, I would replay the highlight reel. I wouldn't look at the whole story. I wouldn't look at all the. I would replay the best moments, and I would replay what I felt in the best moments. Maybe not even what was really going on in reality, but what I felt. I would focus on who I hoped he was. Sit with that for a second. I would obsess and focus over who I hoped he was. I can tell you all about that. I got a lot of practice being focused on who I hoped he was. And then I would ignore all of the red flags that were always there and always evident over the fact that. That he was going to, quote, walk away over something small. That's what you said. You were like. It was like this. He picked a fight. It was something small. And then that was that. But don't you have evidence in however long you were together that he was always going to be that flaky, that he was always going to be that guy, that he was always going to pick a fight and walk away. I would tell myself that he was just scared. I would tell myself that the timing was wrong. I would come up with every single possible scenario for why he couldn't do it then. Because if I can obsess over why he couldn't do it, then I hold on to a kernel of hope that maybe he can do it some way. I would romanticize the past and rewrite the story to make the relationship feel bigger than it was. I would not examine the truth. I would not sit with the reality of a man who loves you, doesn't leave you over, quote, something silly. And I know that that is harsh, but the uncomfortable truth is emotionally available people don't walk away from the love of their life over a minor fight which says either he is emotionally unavailable or this isn't the love of your life. Okay? That's the first thing I do. I'd romanticize the past. The second thing I do, if I want to keep holding on to Something that is not meant for me. I. I would keep the wound open. I wouldn't let it heal. I wouldn't let it scab over. I would stay obsessed. And I have a strong instinct that you are obsessed with this man, and that is why you can't let go. I would check his social media. Have you checked his social media at any time in the last two and a half years? If he doesn't have social media, have you checked on him in some other way? Have you asked mutual friends about him? Have you reread old emails or old text messages? Have you ever revisited a place that you guys went on a date? Have you looked at pictures in your phone? Have you left the door open just in case? I would keep the wound open because I would keep that little lie to myself that it might happen someday, just in case, you know, if I just keep. Keep it open. I would keep touching the bruise over and over and then wonder why it won't heal. You cannot heal from something that you keep going back to. Okay, so the third thing I would do is that I would make him the exception to what I believe is true. Meaning I would make him somehow different. He's different than the other guys. He's special, right? There was something wrong, you know, But I know his past and I know his relationship with his mom, and I know he had a hard childhood. I would make up all of these excuses for why he treated me badly. And he did. He did. He doesn't want to be with you. And you said, like, he picked a fight over something small and then he walked away, which says to me he doesn't actually have the courage to be real. It might have been easier for you if he had. If he had just said, you know what? You're great, but this isn't for me. That might have felt better to you, but in this instance, it gets to stay open in this, like, ether of, well, maybe. And you compare every new person to him and maybe even reject perfectly good partners because they aren't him. Because you are making up this story in your head about who he is. In this scenario, by the way, you're never going to actually give anyone else a chance because on some level you are still open energetically to this thing in your past. You are staying attached to someone who is unavailable because it is safer than risking rejection again. It is safer for you to keep obsessing over this guy, Sarah, than it is to potentially go find someone new, be attracted to someone new, fall in love with someone new, and then he hurts you because you are inside of a hurt that you know how to manage. The fourth thing that I would do, the fourth thing that I would do is I would protect the story that I've told myself at all costs. And this is the thing that no one's going to want to admit to. If I wanted to stay obsessed with someone who left me, I would make it about winning. I would fantasize about the day that he realizes what he lost. Right? I would obsess over closure because it would prove something to me. I would obsess over him regretting it. Sometimes it's not about being attached, even to the person. It's about restoring our pride. Like, on some level, this is a mystery that you want to solve because you're like, he picked this fight and it was about something little and then he left. Your brain wants to solve that mystery. You get to have closure on this situation the second that you choose to, not the second that he gives you closure.
- [16:18]
Rachel Hollis
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
I told you guys that I brought
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Rachel Hollis
the on the counter Aquasana filter out into my new office. We are out in the country now, so we're on well water, which is
- [16:47]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
great, but I also just want to
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Rachel Hollis
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- [17:18]
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- [17:51]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Guys, they're sweet.
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Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
The other thing that happens, I think, and it's worth mentioning, is that we confuse chemistry with compatibility. You said you ran into him once and, like, the feeling still there on both part. Yeah, you're feeling chemistry. You have an energetic chemistry. That doesn't mean that you're meant to be partners. Lots of people feel something intense and think that it's love. Lots of people feel anxious and think that it's passion. Lots of people feel, you know, the unpredictability of a situation and, like, oh, that's spark. Or lots of people, oh, my gosh, so many women meet guys who are emotionally unavailable and think that they have depth. Oh, they're so deep. They're so deep. They're so cerebral. You know, they're in their own head. No, he's not. He's playing video games with the boys. Like, he's not in his head. He's emotionally unavailable. I think, Sarah, you are making up a lot of stories about this guy that are not based in reality. If you were being real about who he is and what actually went down, it would solve your problem immediately. The real question in this is not why are you still obsessed with this guy? The real question is, why, on some level, do you feel like you need to be? So here's another perspective. Are you grieving this relationship, or are you grieving who you felt like you were when you were inside of it? Sometimes we cling to the ex because you feel like someone when you're with them. Maybe you felt hopeful or you felt desirable or you felt beautiful. You felt chosen, you felt connected. But you do not need some random douchebag to feel those things. I don't know this guy. I just. You're my friend in this situation, so I'm assuming he's a douchebag because he doesn't want to be with you, but you don't need that guy to feel those things. You can find those things in yourself. You know Miley Cyrus, she's like, I can buy my own flowers, right? You can touch your own butt. You can tell yourself you're beautiful. You don't need some guy to do that. The fact that you're still here, two plus years later. I need you to hear me, Sarah. This isn't about love anymore. You do not love this man. You are attached to the identity, to the fantasy, or to the unfinished story that you have about this guy. And the fastest way to stop obsessing over someone who does not want you is. Is to decide that you don't want someone who doesn't want you. You do not want this guy. You don't. You said it yourself. You, like, know all the things you just can't stop thinking. I think the bigger issue here is that you are hoping he's going to choose you. And you need to choose yourself. No drama, no making him the villain, no, you know, you gotta go get a revenge body. Just you choosing yourself. You are not stuck because this guy is meant for you, because there's a future, because your soulmates. You are stuck because your brain has not accepted the reality. And I know that that is harsh and I know that that is hard. But that is the key to your freedom. You cannot be deeply loved by someone that you have to convince to do it. And the version of yourself that you become when you settle, when you settle for crumbs is not the version of yourself that lives happily ever after. You have to choose yourself. And I love you. And I know that that's hard. But you deserve better than this guy and you deserve better than this half life that you have been living. All right, if you like that kind of tough love, call the hotline, 737-400-4626. Let me know what you're thinking. And I will always give you my best advice, whether you like it or not.
- [23:03]
Rachel Hollis
All right, let's see our next question.
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Caller Leah
Hi, Rachel, this is Leah and I'm calling to ask about this idea that I've had for the past few years. It's kind of a seasonal holiday idea. It comes to me every time this time of year and I kind of forget about it until I'm here. And in the past it's kind of felt a little silly, but this year I just kind of offhandedly asked a few of my co workers who happen to be moms, who would be the target audience. So kind of like crowdsourcing some, some information and I just kind of asked them, I'm like, would you be interested in this? Is this something that you would purchase? And they completely hyped me up. They were the best. They had so many, like fun brainstorming ideas. They were like, yes, this perfect this is what I need in my life. And it's kind of a first time. It felt like it could be real the first time. It didn't feel silly, it felt doable, it felt exciting. But I'm a little nervous because I've had big ideas in the past and honestly I get kind of bored with them. I lose excitement, I get into the weeds of it and it's no longer exciting to me anymore. How do I keep the excitement? How do I keep pushing through? How do I keep myself from talking myself out of it, from going back to thinking, oh, this is silly, Nobody's
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Caller Sarah
gonna want, want this.
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Caller Leah
It's not going to turn out the
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Caller Sarah
way I want to.
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Caller Leah
How do I stop like the negative self talk and keep pushing through to just do something, do something fun? Maybe it doesn't turn into a big business like I thought, but it. Something just. I guess that's my question. How do I, how do I push through the negative self talk and do something that. That's really on my heart? Thank you so much for everything that you do. I've been listening to you forever. Really appreciate you. Thanks.
- [25:12]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Okay, Leah, I have lots of ideas because it felt a little bit like you were maybe asking a few different questions. So I'll just give you all sorts of thoughts. The first thing that I'm going to say is I think it's so freaking important that we as humans, but most especially if you are a human being that is helping other human beings live, meaning you are a caretaker of any kind, that you have a creative outlet for yourself. So that is where I would start. It is so important that you have something that feels inspiring and exciting to you that you can try and you can lean into. I think where we run into trouble is that we hear that and we see all these things on social media. We see all these people with like cool businesses and they're doing this thing and they make this really great reel or this really cool TikTok and we're like, I'm gonna start a business. I'm gonna turn my idea into a business. A business is a beast. A business is more than any kid you will ever have. It is so freaking hard to run a business. Even if that's a Etsy business. It is a lot of work and you really gotta love it. So from the very beginning, deciding that your idea needs to be a quote business, I think is too much pressure on the thing that you're interested in. So what I would start with is like the minimum viable product, whatever it was that you told the other moms, I think you said it was something seasonal. So maybe it's like around the holidays. Well, you got nine months. Spend the next nine months ideating on what that would be, what would it look like? That way you can take a ton of time, you can lean all the way into the nerdy parts of it that you're interested in, and then when the time comes, make 10 of the product. Don't make 10,000. Don't do that dumb thing people do where they're like, yeah, but if I order 20,000 pieces, then the widget costs a dollar instead of $5. That is so crazy. Don't do that. The minimum viable product. Order 10 of the thing and see if you could sell 10, then. Then if 10 works, order more and sell 20. And that's how you know if you actually have a product. Guys, there is a massive difference between an idea that you tell your girlfriends at book club that they get really hyped for and really interested in and give you ideas because they're being supportive. Big difference between that and an actual business. Now, the cool thing is you could have this rad hobby that pays for itself. You could make a product, you could sell the thing, and then selling the thing pays for the experience for you. And you could do it small in your local community, at your local farmer's market. Like, just enough that it's a fun thing for you. Not so much that it puts your family into debt and not so much that it becomes this big in the weeds production. That would be huge. That would feel so good. That would be awesome. It doesn't have to be some big crazy thing.
- [28:29]
Rachel Hollis
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- [28:31]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
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- [28:35]
Rachel Hollis
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- [29:27]
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- [30:01]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
The other advice I'm going to give you is probably pretty different than what someone else might say. Not all people are wired to do the same thing over and over forever. There are all sorts of different types of brains and different types of thinking patterns and plenty of people get bored. Artists in particular get bored with a certain style of doing something. So they're constantly reinventing themselves because the thing that they used to do bores them. Now if you invested all your family's money into the 10,000 widgets, then the thing that you were interested in becomes an anchor around your neck. Now you can't get away from it because you took this massive bet and you can't walk away. But if you keep it small, if you keep it groovy, if you keep it fun, if you keep it, you know, just this thing you like to do, you can iterate, you can change, you can do something different or you could leave the thing entirely. It does not have to be the rest of your life. It could just be something you're interested in. The next 18 months. The only time it becomes this like must be great, must produce something big is when you've put too much money into it. So if I were you, I would lean in, I would see if there's anything there, but I would keep it light and easy breezy and not invest too much money and just allow yourself to flow with it instead of try and force it.
- [31:38]
Rachel Hollis
All right, let's see what our next question is.
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Caller Leah
Hi Rachel.
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Caller Tammy
I have been in the dental field my entire career. I am 50 years old and halfway through a nursing school to become an rn. It is something I've wanted to do forever. When my kids were younger, I wanted to be able to provide more for them as a single mom.
- [32:02]
Caller Leah
They are now grown out of the
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Caller Tammy
house, even have children of their own and starting their own families. But just a year ago I was accepted into the nursing program thinking I was too old to go through it.
- [32:17]
Caller Leah
But once I got accepted, I was so excited that I just knew I had to do it for one, to
- [32:25]
Caller Tammy
show my children that I completed the degree that I wanted to do forever, and two, just to fulfill my dreams and goals. But of course, in the middle of it, I still keep questioning if I'm really doing the right thing. Am I too old for this? All of the insecurities within myself. But you have always been inspiring to me. I have followed you and your family for years, love watching your kids grow up, and would just love to hear your input. You are always an inspiration to me.
- [33:03]
Caller Leah
Thank you, Tammy.
- [33:06]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
Girl, what are you talking about?
- [33:07]
Opal Apples Advertiser
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- [33:11]
Rachel Hollis (Advice Segment)
What I feel. I thought that we all had established by now that at 50, you're just starting, but I feel like I'm gonna have to give this speech. So let's buckle up and go again. In today's age, maybe not in 1932, but right now, in 2026, if everything goes according to plan, and I mean, you're in nursing school, so you know how to take care of yourself. But if everything goes according to plan, let's say you live to be 90. Let's say you live to be a hundred. Life expectancy is getting, you know, later and later. So let's say that you literally have the amount of time that you've already lived still left to go, meaning you are halfway through your life. And not only are you halfway through your life, but you are in the best phase because now those kids are grown, you're not changing diapers. You don't have to make sure that anyone, you know, makes it home safe from the party. Like, you just get to focus on you for the first time in a really long time. Plus, this is a dream going way back. In what world are you too old for this? Here's a fun question for everybody who tells themselves that they have a dream, this thing that they want to do, you know, But I'm already X age, and it's going to take five years or it's going to take 10 years. Oh, I want to learn to play the guitar, but to be good at the guitar, it's going to take me, you know. You know how old I'll be when I finish nursing school. Do you know how old I'll be when I finish learning to play the guitar? Yeah, babe, you'll be as old as you would be if you didn't go to nursing school. You'd be as old as you would be if you didn't learn to play guitar. You're going to be older no matter what. So the real question is, do you want to be Older. Living out this life that you dreamed about for a really long time. Do you want to be older with this new skill set? Do you want to be older as an RN? You want to be a badass RN in your 50s? Yeah, you do. And those dreams that you had about the kids when they were young, like, oh, I want to have this better life for them. That's what you get to do for your grandbabies. That's what you get to do now that the kids are adults, which, by the way, is way more fun to take on vacation than when they're little. Life's just starting. You are just getting going too old. If you call me and you say, Rach, I'm 83, I want to be a registered nurse, you know, I'm a little worried about energetically, how you're keeping up with the rounds and, you know, working a 12 hour shift. But like, you do you. But 50, in what world is 52 old? I. No. Tam, Tam, Tam. You're just getting started. This is about to be incredible. Your 50s are about to be the greatest decade of your life. You're about to know more, do more, earn more, give more than you ever have in the previous 50 years. You are just getting started. This is incredible. When that voice starts to talk to you and tell you that you're too old, I literally want you to laugh at it. You're not even gonna be kind. You're not gonna tell to shut up. You're just gonna laugh because it's so dumb that it's. It doesn't have any bearing here. You are just getting started, and the next decade is about to be the best one you've ever had. So keep going and hit me up when you graduate nursing school so I can celebrate the heck out of you. All right, guys, that's all we've got for this week. If you have a question to ask me here on the show, you can call the podcast hotline. The number is 737-400-4626. We'll be back soon with more conversation. Until then, as always, I love you and I'm rooting for you.
- [37:03]
Rachel Hollis
The rachel hollis podcast is produced by me, rachel hollis. It's edited by andrew weller and jack noble.
- [37:12]
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