← The Rachel Hollis Podcast
The Rachel Hollis Podcast
967 | The REAL Reason You're Still Holding Yourself Back
01:04:59
Upgrade to the Ad Free Premium Podcast Experience - https://rachelhollis.supercast.com Get your copy of Rachel's Book Here: Audible, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Millon, Bookshop.org, or wherever books are sold! To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices In this episode, Rachel argues that the biggest obstacle keeping people from pursuing their dreams is not fear of failure itself, but fear of other people witnessing that failure. She explains that most unrealized potential comes from worrying about judgment, rejection, and the opinions of others— whether those opinions are real, imagined, or projected from our own self-criticism. Drawing on personal stories from her career, marriage, family relationships, and parenting, Rach emphasizes that success requires being willing to look foolish, face criticism, and fail publicly.
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Shop packages built for your business budget with tailored connectivity solutions. Plus Spectrum Business even offers 100% US based customer support 24. 7 Visit spectrum.combusiness to learn more restrictions apply. Services not available in all areas let's get into it okay, let's talk about the thing that you know you should be doing, but you're not doing it. And I'm not talking about stuff on your to do list. I'm not talking about the emails that you've been putting off sending. I'm not talking about like the conversation you haven't had. I'm talking about the real stuff. Those big ideas, those big hopes, those things that live in the back of your mind. The things you think about in the shower or that you daydream about, or that you imagine as you fall asleep at night. I am wondering, as your friend, as your buddy, as your big sister coach, why you keep talking yourself out of that thing that you want to do. Why have you spent so much time convincing yourself that you don't actually want the dream that will not leave your heart? And you know what I'm talking about too. As soon as I challenge people on this particular question, a look comes over their face. Because there's always something, I think, that each and every one of us has held onto that we would love to have, that we dream about, that we think about, but that we, at some point along the path, have convinced ourselves was not meant for us. And in order to understand why you have convinced yourself that that's not the thing you're supposed to be doing, let me ask a second question. Why aren't you doing it? Not what do you want to do, but why aren't you doing it? What are the stories that you tell yourself? If you're like most people, you come up with a whole list of answers, right? You think, you know, I'm not ready. I'm not qualified. The timing isn't right. I need to do more research. I don't know enough people. I'm still figuring it out. And maybe some of that is true. But I would love to challenge you today on the idea that all the reasons that you give yourself, all of the excuses that you line up for why you're not following the dreams of your heart underneath every single version of not yet or maybe someday there is something else going on. There is something else going on that we almost never see, say out loud because it makes us feel embarrassed. We are not afraid of failing. We are afraid of other people watching us fail. Think about it. Today we're going to talk about something that is at the root of more unrealized dreams, more unlived potential than almost anything else I can think of. We are gonna talk about other people's opinions. Why do we give them so much power? Why do we give them so much power? And what does giving that power away end up costing us? And more importantly than both of those things combine, how can we stop doing this now? Just to be upfront with today's conversation, this one is going to be less science backed and more truth telling. Like me just telling you what I have experienced in my life and my career and how I navigate around those things. I do try on the show to pull in some data or some research to back up what I'm saying. But I think that each and every one of us, in our gut, we know that we do this. And so I want to give you some gut answers for what I think will help you navigate around it. I have been writing and talking about the fear of failure for as long as I have been doing work in the personal development space. And I've been talking about fear of failure because it is one of the top 10 questions I got over and over and over. And because I got the question so much in so many different forms, it was something that I studied a lot and that I looked at in my own life and that I was able to come to some conclusions about having done this work with thousands of women for over a decade. So here's what I know to be true failure by itself, like private failure, the kind that nobody else sees, is manageable. I want you to Think about this for a second. Think about going and doing a workout. You go to a gym by yourself, or you go on a run by yourself. Just any workout you've ever done, and your mindset is right and your energy is right, and you go out there and you're giving it your effort. You're giving it your best effort. This is not one of those days where you're mailing in your workout. This is the day where you are, like, really trying to. And let's say you decide that you're going to go up in weight. Like, you're doing bicep curls with those eight pound weights, and you decide that you're going to go up to 10 and you're feeling good, and you do 10 and you get to the end of your sequence. You were planning to do 10 bicep curls using 10 pound weights, but you get to your six bicep curl and your arms literally can't do it. They're shaking. You know, you. You're, you're like, oh, God, your form is failing. Which is the sign that, okay, we've. We've done all we can do and you are unable to complete the 10 bicep curls that you planned on. In that scenario, you don't judge yourself. I don't know a single person who's actually understands how muscles are built and who is working on their body and doing the diligence and putting the effort in, and they go to level up, and then in that level up, the very first attempt that they have, they can't get through as many as they could at the lower weight level. I don't know a single person, a single healthy person who would judge themselves for that. Most people I know who are working on their fitness would be pumped because working out to failure is actually a good sign that you're doing things right. You're not supposed to go past the point where you can't hold your form anymore. But going to a place where your muscles are so fatigued that you can't lift the weight, that is a good thing. But that failure is private. It was a competition between who you are today versus who you were yesterday. And maybe nobody's looking at you and nobody cares because they're all doing their own workout. We don't tend to feel disappointed about those moments. You might be frustrated, right? You might wish that you already had the skill to do the thing you're trying to do. But if you sit with it for a minute, you figure out, okay, I can work up to this. And look at me. Like, I push myself. I'm. I'm curling more than I was yesterday. This is a huge deal. It might sting, but for most of us, we see that failure as a step in the right direction. We see it as a fail forward, right? We're. It's a positive failure, and we don't judge ourselves for that because we know that we're growing. But that's not the kind of failure that people fear. When everyone asks me about this fear of failure, how do I get over my fear of failure? How do I. They're not asking how they get over a fear of private failure. What they are saying is, Rach, I have gotten to the point in my journey where in order to level up to the next spot, this will no longer be a private battle. In order for me to grow my business, in order for me to start that podcast, in order for me to write the book, in order for me to do the thing, it's no longer going to be private. I'm going to have to put myself out there. And in putting myself out there, I'm going to have to put myself in front of strangers. Even scarier, I'm gonna have to put myself in front of people who know me. Maybe I'm gonna have to put something out on social media or I'll have to send out an email. People in my community will see it. Maybe my friends will see it. I'm gonna have to put myself out there in a bigger way. How can I get over this fear that I have of what other people are gonna think of me for that? My teenager started a car wash business this summer. We live in the middle of the country. There is not a car wash around. It's not even one of those, like drive thru ones at the gas station. There's not one of those for 40 miles. And so he's looking for a summer job. He's trying to earn money for repairs on his car. And he had been washing my car and washing Kez's car as a way to make money. And I was like, honestly, you do a really good job. I, I bet there's people around here who would have you come to their house and wash their car. I think people would be pumped that a teenager is, like, looking for honest work and that he's trying to earn money for repairs on his car. You know, I think that's great. And so he made a flyer, and he made this flyer like a week ago, but he has been so scared to send it out. You know, you got to send it to your teachers, to your friends and their parents. I was going to put it into the WhatsApp group for the parents that the kids school. I was so nervous to send it out. And it's not because he can't do a good job at the job he's been practicing for a month on our cars. I wouldn't let him go wash someone else's car if I didn't trust that he would do a great job. But he's just so scared because you're putting yourself out there. And what are people going to think? What are. Are people going to think, this is stupid? Are people gonna, you know, expect too much? Like, are people gonna judge you for it? Are. Is no one gonna respond? You know, what if no one responds? What if I put myself out there and nobody wants a car wash? Let me tell you something, for anybody who's circling around that kind of fear right now, and I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself, but let me just like, give you this nugget. If you dream of starting something new, if you dream of being an author, if you dream of being a content creator, if you dream like Sawyer being an entrepreneur, you want to start your own thing, and you're like, but what if nobody says yes? Can I tell you that you're. You would be in the exact same position that you're in right now. You are already at no. You are so scared that if you put yourself out there, people are going to say no. They're going to reject you. You're already there, guys. You are already at no. You already don't have business from your potential customers. You already aren't getting extra money. You already don't have anyone reading your books. You already don't have anyone listening to your podcast. This thing that you're so afraid of, you already are experiencing that it's no different than the life you are currently living. No is no different than the life you are currently living, except that now people know that you tried. So this is the distinction that I really want us to sit with today. Because understanding why we are so afraid of failure helps us to get past it. And here is the why. It is not about the failure. It is about your ego. Period, point blank. You do not have the ability to let your ego be wounded if other people see you fail, right? If the co workers see it, if your in laws see it, if the other kids at school see it, if your old friends see it. There's all these videos going around on social right now of people talking about how they started businesses or they started content creation or whatever. And none of their friends like their posts. Like, none of their friends like their post because they're like cringy, like, oh my God, how cringe they're trying to be a content creator. I get why you would be afraid to do the thing. The ultimate question that you get to ask yourself, is their perception of you worth the potential you feel like you have? Are you willing to trade your potential for their perception? And so we know, again, I'm getting way ahead of myself. I can already tell I'm going to get too fired up. I'm going to start yelling in this microphone. If you need a little kick in the butt today, this episode's for you. The craziest thing about that fear that you have is that you are afraid of the perception of people who are too scared to try. Think about it for a minute. If you had a friend, a co worker, a family member, a fellow classmate who had put themselves out there in the way you're trying to put yourself out there, they would not judge you for it. They could be jealous. They could be like, oh, who does Sarah think she is? Trying to do what only I can do? They might be that, but they would never judge you for wanting more in your life. It is only the people who have never done anything, who have never tried anything, who stay scared, who stay quiet, who stay mediocre. It is only those people who would judge you. And why do you care about their opinion anyway? The thing is, most people have spent years telling themselves a story about who they are. And that's the real crux of all of this, right? You have self perception which determines the way that you see yourself. Like, are you responsible? Are you reliable? Are you the one that's really good? Are you the one that takes care of the family? Are you the one that, you know people are watching because, like, oh, you had, you could do this, that and the other thing. So you need to keep excelling in the ways that people expect you to excel. And I'm not saying that people around you aren't keeping score, because that would be untrue. We know that sometimes in our life, people are watching, they're paying attention, they want to know what we're doing, they want to gossip, they want to tell other people. And maybe there are even people in our lives who want to see us fail. And maybe that is feeding something in you that you're like, oh, I can't give her the satisfaction of watching me fail at something, because then that would be evidence. Like right now, maybe you feel like, well, at least there's no evidence. But we don't want to give them all this ammunition. We have all these stories and all these narratives about ourselves and other people and what they think of us. And all that boils down to you don't try. You don't try. You don't choose something new. You don't try and become someone different. You don't aim at the dream. You think about it, you daydream, you talk about it, you make the Pinterest boards, but you don't actually do the work. And it's not because you don't want it. And it's not even because you don't think that you could do it. Not really. You don't pursue the thing because. Because you cannot stand the thought of them seeing you not get it Quick question for parents when was your child's last eye exam? Myopia, or nearsightedness is becoming more common in kids, and it's not just about needing stronger glasses. If myopia continues to progress untreated, it may increase the risk of more serious vision complications later in life. The good news? 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Lysol Disinfection Wipes All Purpose Cleaner Spray and Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner clean and kill 99% of viruses and bacteria. The All Purpose Cleaner can be used on hard, non porous surfaces in the kitchen and the bathroom. Disinfecting wipes help clean everyday surfaces like remotes, tablets and smartphones. And the Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner disinfects both the toilet brush and the bowl for two in one disinfection. Don't just clean Lysol clean. When I was younger, gosh, probably I mean, I didn't even have Ford yet. So this was quite a while ago, let's say 33, probably 30 years old. I was reached out to about auditioning for a TV show and it was to host a TV show about weddings. This was a very long time ago and it was a show for like cable tv and I lived in LA at the time, so it wasn't uncommon that a production company might reach out to you. But I thought, well, that'll be so cool. I was a wedding planner. I didn't have a lifestyle website. I didn't have social media. It was not like it is today. I just happened to be a local wedding planner and I had gotten a lot of press around the types of weddings that I designed and produced. So this production company reaches out to me and they say, hey, you know, will you come in for a conversation? We're looking for a host of the show. And I go in for a conversation and the meeting goes well. And I don't really have a good idea what the show's about. I just know it's wedding planning and they're looking for a host. Over the next several weeks, they keep calling me back. And how it works when you're casting something is that you cast a wide net and then that net gets smaller and smaller and smaller. I kept getting called back and I thought, well, this is so crazy, right? Okay, cool. Kept getting called back and finally it was time to go back. It was down to like 10 people or something. That night at dinner, I was sitting, my two oldest were little. I think we only had two kids at the time. And I was telling the man I was married to who would later become my ex husband. But when we were married, we told this story all the time because it's sort of like iconic lore in our marriage. But I said to him at dinner, I was like, wouldn't it be so crazy if I got this job? Like, this is so crazy. I can't believe I've been called back so many times. Like, wouldn't it be so crazy if I got this job? He was a very pragmatic person. And I don't believe that he said it to hurt my feelings, though it definitely did. But he said, the chances of you getting to host a TV show are one in a million. I mean, do not get your hopes up. It's one in a million. And I was gutted. I was so gutted because I was like, what? And then I said, one in a million. I've, I've, I've. I'VE been called back five times. It's down to 10 people. It can't be one in a million. And he said, okay, well, then the chances of you getting this, it's like you have, like, a 3% chance. And I didn't say anything to him, but I finished that dinner, and that night I was like, I will be damned. I didn't really care about getting that job until that moment. And then I really cared because there was this part, like, in my gut, I was like, how dare you? How dare you be so flippant to just be like, there's literally no way you can get this. I went to the final round, and I got a call a couple weeks later. They offered me the job. You know, I told him when he got home from work that day, I was like, craziest thing, you know, they offered me this job. And he was like, oh, cool. You know, whatever. That's awesome. I went on Etsy that night, and I found this woman who did custom bracelets. And I got this little gold disc on a chain, and on that gold disc, I had 3%. I put 3%. If you ever read any of my fiction books, you'll remember that my character in the second book, her name was Mat, she also wore a bracelet that said 3% for a different reason. But I wore that 3% bracelet for the next, oh, my 10 years. And I wore it because I wanted to remember that the person who was supposed to love me most and supposed to support me most, even they didn't believe that I could do a thing I thought I could believe. And if the person who's supposed to love me most and support me most, if they don't believe that I can do this thing, then I'm going to have to believe enough for everything. I need to keep going. And just so you know, my production company still to this day is called 3% chance because I love the reminder that whenever we chase something in our lives, we're going to have to believe bigger than anyone else around us. But at the same time, had I failed in pursuit of that goal, there would have been a smugness in that person. There would have been. He would have been like, see, I knew because people who have a limited vision, people who have a fixed mindset, it doesn't occur to them that more could happen than what they've already seen. So if they have no evidence of something happening, that's their world perception. They're not really looking for proof of anything else. You better believe for the rest of our marriage, anytime I was like, hey, I got an idea. Or, hey, I think I could do this thing. He was way more inclined to know what I was capable of, because I continue to put myself in situations that I had no business trying for, but then it would work out. I tell you that story because I can't imagine the life I would have lived had I let other people's fear control what I aimed at. If I had needed his support in order to start a podcast or write a book, y' all would not know my name. You would not know my name. After I had massive success as an author and massive success as a podcaster and doing conferences, all these people in my life were like, oh, we knew it. We're so excited. I've told you guys this before. That is some bs. And the same thing will happen for you people that never showed up, for you people who never believed. You achieve a certain level of success, you watch who comes crawling out of the woodwork. You watch what happens. But if you want that support, if you want people to be like, oh, wow, you're really doing. The only way that I know to get that support is to achieve the thing. But you will not achieve the thing by hoping that they'll support you in the process. I hope that each and every one of you have the most amazing support system in the world. I hope you have people around you who believe in you and they believe in your dreams and they show up and they're committed and that you return that effort, you return that vibration. You give them that energy as well. I hope that you have that in your life. But most people I know do not have that. So understand right now, there is no way around this. You are going to have to want it bad enough that you are willing to fail, even in front of the person who said, you're probably going to fail at that. And it's not easy to do, because here is the thing. The people with the opinions that you are most afraid of, they're people who have value in your life. Yes, plenty of us are afraid of strangers on the Internet. Let's not even lie. But even then, the strangers on the Internet represent something to us that we have experienced in our own life. And when that plays out on social media or in a comment section, it is reflecting something that we've had a fear about since we were little. So, yes, strangers on the Internet, they can say something that's so scary, it can make us feel all kinds of ways. We can be triggered six ways to Sunday. But most of the time, the fear that we have, it's because of the opinions of the people. They're authority figures in our lives. They are authority figures in our lives. And so we don't want them to judge us. We don't want them to think less of us. We do not want them to watch us fail. And in those situations, there are certainly times where, like me, the person you loved most straight up told you this is not going to be a thing like you have. I'm sure some of you experienced that, where someone said, you can't sing, where someone said, you know what? You're never going to be a writer, where someone absolutely told you this is not going to be a thing for you. And so you are working through your own fears. And also whatever cloak of negativity their comments laid across your back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. For some people, summer is their favorite season, right? There are grill outs and cookouts and maybe you go to the beach or you take a vacation. 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You don't have to say yes to everything this summer, find support in therapy, Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Rach that's betterhelp.com Rach hey everyone, it's Stavros Halakis, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast, Stavi's World. Each week we're joined by great guests like Josh Safdie, Eric Andre, Caleb Herron, and more. It's sort of an interview show, but really we're just messing around, making each other laugh and hopefully making you laugh while you're washing the dishes or grocery shopping or on a long drive. Plus, I take listener calls where we have honest conversations about dating Life and everything in between. Imagine if your therapist was a vulgar degenerate whose office was in a Greek diner. No scripts, no polish, and absolutely no holding back. Listen to Stavi's World wherever you get your podcasts. Can I challenge that? For every one person who has a real bully in their life, who told them that they could not do the thing, most of you have a bully that you made up in your mind. All right, let's. Let's just get real for one second. There are two kinds of opinions. There is real and there is the kind we make up in our own head. You know what I'm talking about. If you really think about it, you know what I'm talking about. I am talking about the stories that you make up about what other people think of you. That you have no justifiable evidence actually happened. You're pretty sure that your mother in law disapproves of you. And you are almost positive that your cousin Crystal would talk to her mom about you trying a new business out, right? You're pretty sure that she'd gossip about you. You're pretty sure that the girls you went to high school with would roll your eyes if they heard that you want to write romantasy books. You are almost a hundred percent positive that your co workers don't like you, right? The problem is that none of this has actually happened in front of you. Now wait, immediately people are like, no, no, but I know. I know how my family is. I know they're talking grub about me. Yeah, that might be true. But if it is not happening in front of your face, why are you taking that on as yours to carry? You have enough things to worry about. You have a limited amount of energy and resources to put against this dream in your heart. And you're going to use what little energy you have this week to work on your dream. Worrying about what cousin Crystal thinks of you. Are you serious? And if my experience in this life is anything to go by, I can tell you that most of the time, 99% of the time, cousin Crystal is not thinking about you. She's not talking about you. Cousin Crystal is too busy worrying what everyone's thinking about her. And if cousin Crystal has an opinion, even if that opinion is negative, listen to me for a second. That opinion says way more about her than it does about you. Look, there are two kinds of opinions that we get from people in this world. The first opinion is loving. Okay? Someone genuinely cares about you and they raise a real concern with you about something that you are doing they raise a real and genuine concern. What just popped in my head, this is so stupid. But I was like, oh, what's an example I could use of someone coming to me with a real concern, some accountability. And what popped into my head was probably four years ago, my husband came to me. And at that point, we had been together for maybe a year, and he came to me one day very seriously, and he said, I need to talk to you about something. And I was like, oh, my God. Okay. He's never that serious. So I was like, oh, my gosh, what is wrong? And he said, I need to talk to you about something that I'm concerned about that you're doing with the kids. And I'm like, oh, my word. This man who I've only known for a year is not only about to question something about me, but he is about to question something about my parenting. So I am swirling into depths of despair. You guys can imagine my dramatics so over the top. Oh, my gosh, what have I done? I'm so terrified. You know, swallow, ground myself. I'm like, okay, what do you need to tell me? And he's like, I'm really concerned with how much gum you guys are chewing. Say what now? He's like, you guys chew a lot of gum. And I feel like if you're going to chew gum and the kids are going to chew gum, we really have to make sure that we're chewing gum that doesn't have, like, the least amount of chemicals in it we can possibly find. He's like, it's bad for the muscles in your jaw. Is that he starts naming all of these reasons. Reasons why gum is not great. But also, if you're gonna chew it, can we at least chew this kind of gum so it's not as bad for you. I mean, I had, like, a full flop sweat of fear that he was about to tell me I'm a bad mom. And he's just like, I'm really worried about the gum chewing. I literally laughed. I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, yeah, I. I don't have an opinion on gum. I didn't know I should be concerned about gum. You buy the kind of gum you think we should be chewing as a family, and we will henceforth only chew this gum. Which happened. And that is the only kind of gum we chew. But in that instance, he was coming to me with something he was concerned about. But even though it was something that was, like, kind of frivolous, he was so careful about it. The last thing that he wanted to do was to hurt my feelings. He was really thoughtful in how he explained it to me. That is genuine consideration. Okay. There is a massive difference between having someone in your life who holds you accountable, having someone in your life who gives you good perspective and needing their approval. Sit with it for a second. There is a massive difference between getting someone's perspective and. And needing their approval. I love Kez to the bottom of my soul. I am so grateful every day that he is my partner in this life. And he has a lot of concerns about the exact right food we should be eating. If we're going to chew that gum, you know, what protein we should get all of these things. And when I first started dating him, because it was new and because I was unsure and because I haven'. Dated a lot. I've dated exactly two men in my life, and I married both of them. So, you know, haven't gotten around a lot. But because I had so much fear about his opinion when we first started to date, very similarly to my first marriage, I sort of, like, found myself falling into old patterns of, like, whatever he thought was best, right? I wanted his approval, and so I would take on things that weren't my belief. And with Kez, it was always stuff related to health. Doritos are bad. You're right. They're not good for us. But sometimes I want a Dorito, babe. But when I was first dating him, I didn't have the courage to say that. I'd be like, oh, you're right. Let's have kale chips. I don't want freaking kale chips, babe. I want some cool ranch Doritos with my turkey Sando. But I didn't have the courage to say that in the beginning. So I would go and do all of these things to get his approval, because I would think, well, what he's saying is probably better for me, right? What he's saying is better for me. That's better. But what it actually is is that's the path that I have identified that has the least amount of friction. Can I get a witness? Is it what's best for you? Or is that the one where you feel like there is the least amount of friction? Because let me tell you what, this thing that you're dreaming about, doing it is going to require so much friction. It is going to require you living outside your comfort zone. You know, you see all those quotes that are like, oh, to achieve a thing, you're gonna have to get outside your comfort zone. Don't get this twisted you are not stepping a toe outside your comfort zone. You are going to live uncomfortable for a while to achieve anything in this life that is worth having. My mentor, John Maxwell, used to always say, everything worth having is uphill. You are going to have to live in your discomfort zone. You are going to have to live with friction. And that friction is going to show up in the opinions of other people. If they, and I'm using air quotes. If they agree with your ideas, if they agree with the dream, if they agree with the vision, then we feel great, right? But if they don't, we end up spiraling. They hesitate. And then their hesitation becomes our hesitation. Their doubt becomes our doubt. Because P.S. when you ask people's opinion about the dream that you are trying to pursue, they have this magical ability to speak into the exact fear that you have about the thing that you want to do. So understand that even though there are people in our lives who are accountability buddies and they can give us good guidance, just because you have those people who does not mean that they are the ones you should be talking to about the dream that you want to pursue. But even in that situation, their opinion is one that is kind. It is grounded in a good place. Just because it's grounded in a good place doesn't mean you need to take it on board. But it's important to understand that there are opinions that do come from an aligned place. That being said, let's talk about the other kind of opinion. And that is the one that is unkind. That is the opinion that is there to tear you down. It's there to belittle you. It is there to help to erode your confidence in what it is you're trying to do. It is from someone who has made it their business to have opinions on your life. And maybe it's not just your life that this person has opinions on. Maybe this person just wants to have an opinion about everybody. P.S. the person who wants to have an opinion about everybody is trying to be distracted from having to hold a mirror up to themselves. But regardless of why they are doing what they are doing, you cannot allow that person to have a seat at your table. And I don't care if this person has been pulling these shenanigans for years. I don't care if they are a family member. I don't care if they are your spouse. You are not required to continue to accept crappy treatment just because you've been accepting it to this point. Okay, so there's kind opinions and there's unkind opinions. Nasty people, bullies. Those are not ours to hold. But there is also a type of opinion that is even more dangerous than these, and it's the most common. And it is the thing that robs more people of their potential than anything else, and that is the opinions that don't actually exist. These are opinions that you made up in your mind. Here's my one little bit of science data for us today. There is a concept in psychology called social projection. This is the human tendency to assume that other people share our critical internal voice. This, like, totally trips me out because I have such a strong inner monologue. As a side note, my son Sawyer and my husband Kez don't have an inner monologue. When I found this out, my. My brain exploded and then melted out of my. I was like, what are you talking about? The voice in my head never shuts off. They don't have a voice in their head. I was like, you mean to tell me you're just sitting here in this room and there's nothing in your head? And they were like, well, yeah, like, I see a bird over there. Or I'm like, oh, I want some water. But there's no voice. That's like, bird, pillow, lamp, water, bottle, dehydration. Maybe I should read a book. Oh, the sun is like, that's not. And they were like, what are you talking about? So just in case some of you don't have the inner monologue, congratulations. Some people just walk in the light. I am not one of those. I have that narrative all the time. And I've had to teach myself to control the narrative and to focus the narrative because our brains are wired for negativity. I actually just did a podcast about this last week, if you want to go listen in. It's episode 965, and it's how to train your brain for genuine positivity. It's how to focus those thoughts. So if you've got a really strong inner monologue, that episode is for you. Go listen to it after this one. But the point of bringing this up is, with social projection, we tend to think that our critical voice is the same as other people's critical voice. So if you are hard on yourself, or you can be hard on yourself, like I can be hard on myself, you automatically assume that others are judging you, too. Something I've noticed in the course of my life is that the people who are most judgmental are the ones who are most critical of themselves. I have people in my life who are super judgy, and I always Feel sorry for them. Because I'm like, oh, there is no way that you are commenting that much on what other women are wearing or how their hair is or what they look like if that voice isn't in your own mind. So the problem with this or where social projection shows up is if you are critical of yourself, you assume that everybody else is critical of you, too. What a bummer. What a bummer. So you assume that everyone is judging you or being critical of you, but it is not them. It is your own projection of self. Actually, just journaled about this in my morning pages today, that I had the realization that I thought someone was judging me. And then I was like, ooh, ooh, ding, ding, ding. My therapist says, never waste a good trigger. Which is like the greatest line in the world. Never waste a good trigger to me is like, okay, I got triggered. My brain said someone was judging me. I'm like, what does this mean? Let's unpack this. Why did this happen? So in this particular instance, they were judging me for something. I had, by the way, zero evidence to back this up. It was just something I felt, felt strongly in my own mind. And then I was like, do I have any patterns of judgment around this subject? And a hundred percent, I do. I judge myself for this thing I think they're judging me for. And I was like, these are people in my life, by the way, whose opinions I really care about. So it was like this double whammy. I wish that I could tell you guys I've been doing this work for over a decade. I've written all these books, I've done all these podcast episodes. I work on myself so much, all the therapy, all the things I wish I could tell you that at some point, just you're magically cured and it all goes away. I don't know, maybe when I'm in my 50s, I'll get to report that to you, but. But I don't have that to report. What I can tell you is that we can continue to work on ourselves, and we get better at it. We might get triggered, but we get over it faster. Right? I started having some anxiety last night, which I think is more about the time of my hormones. I have a few days in my cycle where I notice anxiety comes up, and so it showed up last night for the nerdiest reason. You guys are going to judge me so harshly when I tell you why I had anxiety. Kez and I are watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which we have both seen 40 times. Like, but we hadn't watched in a very long time. We've never watched it together. And so I was like, oh, my gosh, let's watch the trilogy. As any proper Lord of the Rings nerd could tell you, it gets progressively more stressful. Right? So last night we finished the Two Towers, the second one. And if, again, you don't know, you don't know. But if you do know, there's a lot of battles in that one. And even though I knew it was going to happen, I'm not going to spoil it for you. Just in case you want to, like, go on a ride and you haven't seen it. Even though I knew it was going to be okay, right? I knew who was going to show up at dawn on day three. Okay, we knew. If you know, you know, it was so. It made me so anxious. I was so anxious. Also, Frodo, like, just gets really intense. I. I am sorry to tell you. Can we. Side note, for the three of you who care about Lord of the Rings, I don't think that Sam gets enough credit. Sam is actually the hero of Lord of the Rings. Everyone talks about Frodo. It's not Frodo. It's Sam. There are a hundred times in that story where Frodo would be dead or would give up or would give the ring to someone on the back of a dragon if it wasn't for Sam. Thank you for allowing me my one moment of fantasy conversation. My point, my point is that I had anxiety last night. And there was a time 10 years ago where that anxiety would have meant a spiral for me. I would have thought, oh, it's coming back. I would have thought, oh, I need an adaptogen. I would have thought all these things. It happened last night. I was able to recognize it as I had watched this really intense thing. And my hormones are a little funky. I did some box breathing. Within four minutes, it was gone. All of that very long side quest to tell you that I believe as we get older, we will learn to manage these things better. I believe that if you've got that voice in the back of your mind, you will learn to manage it better as you continue to dive into it. But one of the things that helps me to understand is that I don't have evidence that anyone's judging me. I don't have evidence that that's their opinion. My brain's just really imaginative. And unfortunately, while my brain can think of the most incredible dreams for my life that help me lay out new North Star goals and figure out where I want to Go. And as I do all of that, that brain can also sabotage me. So if I can understand that the opinions of other people that I am making up in my own mind will only hurt me, I am more empowered to take on that way of thinking and stop accepting it as just part of my life. All of these things to say. There's a bunch of opinions. Sometimes they're real, sometimes we make them up. But whatever kind of opinion you currently battle against in your own life, can you sit with for just a minute what that opinion is costing you? The fear of that opinion, the fear of them seeing you try, the fear of them seeing you fail, what is that costing you? Because every single time you don't do a thing that you believe you should do, you don't pursue it, you don't try it, you go, you don't go up and talk to that guy at the bar, you don't put yourself out there. Every single time that you feel a nudge from your intuition to do something and you don't do it, there is a cost. It might not be dramatic, right? It might not be like, oh, you missed this big opportunity. But those choices, they stack one on top of another. It's almost like putting yourself into debt. So you have this opportunity. Imagine that if you go do the thing that your intuition nudges you to do. Imagine somebody gives you a dollar every single time, and whether it works out or doesn't work out, you get a dollar. Well, if you don't do the thing, you lose a dollar and that debt continues to rack up. You, you don't pitch the idea right? And then you don't try and write the book, you don't do the podcast, you don't start the thing. And a year passes and then five years passes and you're still thinking about it and you don't show up, right? You don't, you don't fully put yourself out there, you don't really try. And you always are wondering what would have happened, but you continue to hold yourself back. And what's so frustrating, can we just like call it, Let me be your little woo woo big sister for a second. That dream that you have, that book idea that you have, that podcast that you have, the business that you have, if you don't do it, you are going to watch someone else do it. Who's experienced that, who has seen a movie come out and you were like, I had the idea for that movie five years ago. Who has seen a book, you were like, I was going to write that book. There's a beautiful book by Liz Gilbert called Big Magic, and she talks about this idea that she has, which is a little out there, but I kind of love it. She's like, I believe that ideas are just like, rolling around in the ether, looking for a human to make them real. And if you get an idea and you don't do anything with it, the idea will leave you and go find someone else. And it sounds kind of wacky, but at the same time, it would make total sense. It would make total sense for some of the stuff I have seen in my life where I'm like, I had that idea and someone else did it. There is a cost. That idea, it's not just going to wait for you forever. That girl you have a crush on, she's not just going to wait for you forever. Life will continue to move forward, and life will pass you by. Right now, you are the youngest you're ever going to be for the rest of your life. Think about it. You keep telling yourself you're too old. You are the youngest you are ever going to be for the rest of your life. Right now, today, there is a cost. It will keep pass. It will leave you. It will move. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm trying to scare you. Because honestly, if you're not scared that you're going to miss your chance, there's nothing I can say to motivate you to go. You don't want it bad enough. Ooh, that ruffled some feathers. I can feel it. Someone just got pissed. I do want it. This is my dream. I. You don't know. Then do the work. You don't need more information. You didn't even need this podcast, except that hopefully something I said nudged you. You don't need another conference. You don't need to read another book. You need to do the work that's uncomfortable for you. You need to put yourself out there. You need to fail and then fail again, and then fail again, and then fail again. I've told you all before that for the longest time, I would use the word failure and I would get emails in and I would get comments on the podcast, and people are like, I don't like when you use the word failure. It's very triggering to me. And for years I was like, oh, my gosh, I don't want to trigger anybody. That's awful. And now I'm just not going to play that game. The problem is that you think failure is a bad thing. Failure is the only way to get to the good stuff, you are going to have to fail. Do you want the thing bad enough to fail while other people watch you fall? Here's a few things that you can do that can help you to get over worrying about other people's opinions. If you've ever read my book, girl, stop apologizing. There is an entire chapter on something I call opo, which is other people's opinions. If you want to take a deep dive in that. But here are just a few things that I know can really help. Number one, I know this is harsh, but you are going to have to accept that judgmental people will judge you no matter what you do. Judgmental people will judge you no matter what you do. I had family members that I used to try desperately to earn the love of. I tried everything. And mostly what I believed I had to be to earn their love was the perfect Christian woman, ultra conservative, wear a sweater set and matching pearls, very much who they wanted in a family member. And I desperately wanted love. I come from a pretty broken family, and so I thought, well, if I could just be enough. If I could just do the things they want me to do. And I twisted myself like a pretzel for years and years and years. And it took me a really long time to understand that no matter what I did, it was never enough. I was always judged. If I tried to be who they wanted me to be, I did it wrong. Or I didn't do it enough, or I remember just twisting myself and not. And doing it exactly how she wanted it done. Showing up exactly how she wanted me to show up. And afterwards her being livid because she said, well, I could tell you didn't like it. Yeah, you looked the part and you did the thing I asked you to do. But I could tell that you didn't really, in your heart of hearts, want to do that thing. And I, sadly, I was young, so I was like thinking like, oh, God, okay, I just gotta get better at acting. Like, I gotta get better at making sure she doesn't know that I don't. Like, now I look back and I'm like, you twisted, toxic, terrible person. It was never about me. It was about control. And it was never about getting to a certain place because it was never gonna be a good enough for her. That person, to this day still judges me more harshly than anybody on planet. There is not an Internet troll who judges me more than this person who is in my family. And I have had to make peace with that. Her judgment is about her. She has got her own problems and her own journey and her own road to walk. It has nothing to do with me. They are going to judge you either way. You can bend yourself backwards and do everything you're supposed to do, and it still might not be enough. And in doing that, by the way, you will waste every single bit of the energy that you have that you have tried to put. You could be putting it into this dream. Focus on that. Judgmental people are gonna judge. Doesn't matter what you do. So you may as well pursue the life that you want to live. Number two, you have got to get crystal clear about who deserves a seat at your table. Crystal clear. And here's something that you might not want to hear, but you may need to hear. There might be no one sitting at that table yet, babe. It might just be me and you. You're listening to my voice on this podcast, and I am vibrationally and virtually and energetically sitting at your table with you. But there might not be other real friends yet. There might not be other advisors yet. There might not be other collaborators yet. Very few people will take this to heart, but it is better to keep that dream, your work, your secret, your thing, your. Your effort in the dark that will eventually put you in the spotlight, I think, for as long as you can. You work on it, and you figure it out without getting the opinions of a bunch of other people, because the opinions start to shape it, start to stress it, start to do things to it. It's already hard enough. It's okay to sit at that table by yourself until you get to a place where you can meet more people who are at your level or further along than you, who are going to support you in this thing that you're trying to do. Okay, number three. And I have said this to y' all so many times lately, so I feel like it's. That's like I'm a broken record a little bit. Confidence comes from competence, and competence comes from doing something over and over. It doesn't mean that you do it perfectly, but you have to put yourself out there. You have to practice in the other direction. If you are afraid of other people's opinions and it's stopping you from doing this thing you want to do. The only way I know is like, okay, well, at some point, you're gonna have to jump into the deep end or you're gonna jump into the cold water, or you're gonna start to develop that thick skin by just doing the thing. You put yourself out there. You survive. You live to tell the tale. Their judgment didn't destroy you. You're still standing. You move on. The more evidence that you collect, the quieter your fear will become. It doesn't mean it goes away, but it does get quieter. And the quieter it gets, the faster you can move. And actually, if that's something that you're working on, like, if you want tools to go deeper, to get focused in on what you need to be doing. This month Premium Podcast episode was a deep dive on productivity. Not just like, here's how you organize your desk, but here is the mindset that you need to get laser focused and to be most productive. If you don't know about Premium Podcast, it is for my personal development nerds. It is for my girls who are like, we're leveling up this year. It is for my boys who are like, I want something deeper. If you liked this podcast episode, which is really lots of, like, talking and we're chatting and we're sharing stories. The Deep Dive is a video masterclass. One time a month. First Monday of every single month, I do a deep dive on a topic like productivity or goal setting that happens inside of a private community. So there's a really cool community of people who are working on themselves. There's commenting. I'm in there in the comments. But Premium podcast is $10 a month. And beyond that Deep Dive episode, you get every single episode of this podcast, over a thousand of them at this point, ad free. So if that tickles your fancy, if you want to support the work that we do here as a team, feel free to check out the link in the show description to find out more. All right, to land this plane, here's what I want to leave you with today. I did not mean to talk for over an hour, but I knew whenever I get fired up about a subject, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go on this for way too long. But. But hopefully you're still here, you're into it, and here's what I want you to take away. I went to see a therapist. Gosh, let's say 15 years ago. And in the session with this amazing therapist, I was talking to her about that toxic family member that I'm telling you about. And I was telling the story and I was crying. It was like one of the biggest stresses in my life, which is so crazy to me that I was letting a family member affect me as an adult. It was just. I was young. It doesn't matter. My point is that she said this line to me that I then wrote about in Girl Wash, your Face that I've talked about many times, which is other people's opinions are none of your business. She was like, rachel, she might not like you. Which I felt was so devastating because I'm like, this person is supposed to love me. She was like, she might not like you, she might hate you. It's none of your business either way. And I know it sounds like a slogan, like it's like a bumper sticker, or maybe it's too simple, but think about what that means and think about the power in letting go of other people's opinions. You are literally giving them your energy. You are giving them your motivation. You are giving them your dreams. Think about the person, your in laws, your co workers, the girls you went to middle school with, your cousins. Like you are giving them your dreams. It's not about you. What they think about you is not about you. It has nothing to do with you. And not only that, it is not your job to fix their opinions. It is not your job to manage it, to convince them otherwise, to anticipate it, to arrange your life around their opinion. It is your job to live your life fully. Specifically, you, uniquely you. It is your job to live your life on purpose. That is what is waiting for you on the other side of caring so much about what they think of you. You have been looking at your life and your dreams through their opinions. You're looking at your life through a filter of their opinions, most of which you made up in your own mind. You've been looking at your life through that filter so long, I'm willing to bet you forgot what it looks like when it's your opinion. So this week I would love to challenge you to do one thing that you want to do, even when the instinct is that someone's going to judge you for it. This is a moment in time. It can be something so small, wearing a certain outfit, saying the thing that you want to say, dancing like nobody's watching, trying something new, showing up in a room you're not sure if you should be in. When you do that, you are choosing yourself. And you have gotten out of the practice of choosing yourself. You are not here to live a tiny life and to fit inside the opinions of the people around you. You are here to be yourself. You are here to try things. You're here to mess up. You're here to fail. You're here to learn. You're here to grow. That's what you're here to do. And as long as you are existing inside the opinions of other people, you will never have that chance. What a waste that would be if today's episode gave you something. If you like something I said or you found it helpful, please consider sharing this with a friend. Text it to someone right now and like, hey girl, I think you'll love this too. If you are not already subscribed, please make sure that you are and come on back. We're here every Monday and Thursday bringing you ideas and information that I hope can be helpful. And until next time, as always, I'm Rachel Hollis. I'm so glad you're here. I love you and I'm rooting for you. The rachel hollis podcast is produced by me, rachel hollis. It's edited by andrew weller and jack noble. Hey everyone, it's me, Morgan Stewart, and I have a new podcast called the Morgan Stewart Show. Join me each week as I talk about pop culture, fashion, my personal life, and just a warning, I'm going to be giving my opinion on everything. I'll also have some really fun guests to join in on the fun. The Morgan Stewart show is out now. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts or watch full video on YouTube. You've never been one to settle, stand down or stand still. You're a lifelong learner, energized by excellence. There's a fire inside you you can't ignore. You've got competition to outrun, momentum to build on, and your own high standards to meet. Stop now. Not a chance. At Capella University, we help you catch what you're chasing because you've always had the drive. Now go earn the degree. Capella University. What can't you do? Visit Capella. Edu to learn more.