Bert Kreischer "You got botox at the dentist?" | the really good podcast

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Not This Again with Bobbi Althoff

Episode: Bert Kreischer "You got botox at the dentist?"

Release Date: March 17, 2026
Host: Bobbi Althoff
Guest: Bert Kreischer
Producer: Studio71

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Overview

In this lively and honest episode, Bobbi Althoff sits down with comedian Bert Kreischer for a candid, meandering conversation filled with humor, vulnerability, awkwardness, and plenty of personal anecdotes. The two dive into topics ranging from celebrity culture and family life, to oversharing in comedy, parenting, relationships, body image, TikTok influencers, and even their feet (literally). The tone is casual, conversational, and often self-deprecating, making for an engaging listen that swings between the irreverent and the heartfelt.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Celebrity Status and Analogies

[01:27 – 05:00]

• Bert riffs on classifying celebrities as different "metals" and gems to describe fame (e.g., Kim Kardashian as "diamond," Kanye now a "ruby"), with analogies about public image and value.

• The duo debates if commercial endorsements diminish legendary status, specifically referencing Tom Brady’s Pizza Hut ads.

• Bert explains the concept of "viral couples" in Hollywood and orchestrated paparazzi moments to boost publicity for shows.

  Memorable Quote:

  • Bert: “Tom Brady is a diamond. No matter how many Pizza Hut commercials he does...” [06:06]

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Public Image and Relationships

[05:00 – 07:57]

• They discuss orchestrated relationships for the press, and whether the negative press is worth it.

• Bert notes he’s built much of his career talking about his family, especially his wife:

  • “I’ve painted myself in a corner with my wife. If I cheated on her, I would ruin my career.” [05:52]

• Discussion transitions into trust and fidelity, with both admitting to past mistakes but expressing commitment to their families.

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Long-Term Relationships, Parenting, and Change

[07:00 – 13:00]

• Bert and Bobbi share the challenges and joys of long-term relationships and raising children.

  • Bert opens up about a recent health scare (blood clots) and a moving realization about his wife:
    • “...this is gonna be the woman in the room with me when I’m dying. I thought I got the right one.” [07:54]

• Bert shares a “cheat code” for being a good husband—setting up automated flower deliveries for special dates and spontaneous moments [08:20].

• They talk openly about sex in long-term relationships, how priorities shift, and navigating intimacy after kids and as their children grow up.

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Life As Parents: Empty Nesting and Kid Energy

[13:13 – 17:43]

• Bert waxes nostalgic about being a “girl dad,” describing lively mornings serving breakfast to his daughters and their friends [14:40].
• Both reflect on the difference between raising girls vs. boys, sharing anecdotes on both and the specific “boy energy” that comes with sons (referencing Tom Segura's sons and comparisons to goth/teenage boys) [16:09].
• Nikki Glaser joins in, expressing thanks she’s a “girl mom” and poking fun at the trials of parenting boys.

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Being Known, Oversharing, and Privacy

[21:34 – 28:18]

• Bert discusses how his comedy has shifted from just stand-up to content that circulates widely online, sometimes turning personal stories about his daughters viral (e.g., the famous “period party” story from his act) [24:00].
• They contrast their approaches: Bert is an open book, while Bobbi is more private about her kids.
  • “I don’t share anything with my kids, like any...there’s not.” – Bobbi [27:11]
• Discussion about the double-edged sword of sharing family stories with the world—leads to funny moments but also affects their children’s privacy and relationship to their parents’ fame.

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Insecurity, Stand-Up, and the Comedy World

[28:18 – 32:30]

• Bobbi expresses her fears and insecurities around stand-up, despite being asked to try it for a Netflix live event.
• Bert reassures her: “My first time on stage is probably the funniest I’ve ever been.” [31:23]
• They talk about the shifting culture in comedy—it's now more accepting for newcomers and non-traditional comics to take the stage.

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Botox, Body Image & Feet Wars

[33:13 – 37:47]

• Hilarious and honest exchange about cosmetic procedures: Bobbi recounts a disastrous Botox experience at her dentist for jaw pain, resulting in a frozen smile [34:17].
• This morphs into a surprisingly involved debate and real-time competition over who has better-rated feet online (WikiFeet scores), culminating in a mock “hot feet” vote on Instagram Stories:
  • “I'm going to be very clear right now. Yeah, I have a little bit of a foot fetish. It started in seventh grade.” – Bert [36:14]
  • Bobbi: “I have a 10 out of 10 on feet finder. What do you have? I bet you’re not even on it.” [35:18]

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Dream Projects, Networking, and the Business

[41:31 – 45:01]

• Bert introduces the “White Whale” metaphor (from Moby Dick) and asks about Bobbi’s ultimate dream.
  • Bobbi’s “white whale” is landing an acting role in a major, dry comedy like a modern-day The Office or an Aubrey Plaza-style role [42:28].
  • The two strategize networking, development, and overcoming the inner critic to push toward bigger creative dreams.
• Bert offers to introduce Bobbi to a TV producer friend at his upcoming premiere and promises she won’t feel out of place.

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Navigating Social Situations & Anxiety

[45:01 – 47:13]

• Both admit social anxiety at industry events, and Bert shares his system for wearing name tags to make introductions easier.
• Bert: “Everyone knows I am the best introducer of people at a party.” [45:36]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

On family and love:

• “It’s hard to quantify how I feel about my wife in words to the public because it’s just going to sound like bullshit...I make fun of her on all my specials because I think that should be how you see how much I love her.” – Bert [07:20]

On confidence and comedy:

• “You know how men are, like, delusionally confident. I’m, like, the opposite of whatever that is, which is, like, I have no confidence in what I do.” – Bobbi [30:52]

On public perception and privacy:

• “You just experienced what it was, and I miss that so much.” – Bert, after Bobbi takes a call from her daughter during the show [19:41]

On the "period party" story going viral:

• “Then little girls started sharing that they saw that, that their dad showed them that. And now they’re not freaked out about their period. They’re excited for it...and then Isla named her period Jason because she got it on Friday the 13th.” – Bert [24:02]

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Notable/Laugh-Out-Loud Moments

• Bobbi’s deadpan “I have a 10 out of 10 on feet finder. What do you have?” [35:18]
• Bert proclaiming: “I have beautiful feet.” [36:02] and “I have a little bit of a foot fetish...” [36:14]
• The playful polling of whose feet would win a "smash or pass" online, both deeply invested in the outcome.

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Important Timestamps

• Celebrity Gems & Tom Brady Ad Debate: 01:27 – 05:00
• Viral Relationships & Publicity: 05:00 – 07:57
• Bert's "Cheat Code" Marriage Hack: 08:20 – 09:18
• Parenting, Empty Nesting & Sentimentality: 14:40 – 17:43
• Oversharing vs. Privacy in Comedy: 21:34 – 24:24
• The Iconic “Period Party” Story: 24:00 – 25:47
• Bobbi’s Stand-Up Ambivalence: 28:18 – 32:30
• Botox, Dentists, and the Smiling Fiasco: 33:13 – 34:46
• Foot Wars on WikiFeet: 35:18 – 37:47
• The 'White Whale' Discussion: 41:31 – 42:28
• Party Anxiety & Networking Tips: 45:01 – 46:10

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Episode Takeaways

• Authenticity and vulnerability shine: Bert and Bobbi’s openness about their lives, families, and insecurities makes for an episode that balances comedy with heart.
• Parenthood and partnership are messy and funny: Both wrestle with the changes that raising kids and growing older brings, and laugh through the ways they adapt.
• Comedy is evolving: The pair explore the shifting norms in the industry, from gatekeeping to greater accessibility and self-produced projects.
• Humor in the mundane: From feet ratings to botched Botox, the ability to poke fun at themselves is palpable and infectious.
• The search for more: Whether it’s acting ambitions or perfecting the art of being a good spouse or parent, both are still aiming for new “white whales.”

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Closing Note

This episode is a quintessential Bert Kreischer appearance: funny, off-the-cuff, a little rambly, but brimming with real life confessions and the occasional awkward silence. Bobbi matches his energy and candor, bringing her own insecurities and ambitions to the table. Expect laughter, a few “did they just say that?” moments, and some surprisingly touching insights about family, fame, and feet.

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Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Nikki Glaser]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know much about medals, but I think you'll get this celebrity. Is the diamond famous? Is like silver.

[Nikki Glaser]

What would you consider Kim Kardashian diamond phase?

[Bert Kreischer]

But for a long time she was cubic sarconia where it was like, it was like, not make it to you fake it. But like she was creating her own diamond.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what a lot of people.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's actually a brilliant analogy.

[Nikki Glaser]

It is.

[Bert Kreischer]

What like, like Kanye west said diamond and now he's like a ruby because you're like, I don't know. Should you know? Like, yeah, like I know it's still very valuable but like I don't know if I want to wear it on my ring every day.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that's, that's a good, good analogy.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a great fucking analogy. Give me a celebrity, I'll tell you what they are.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, Tom Brady.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh wow. Tom Brady. If he wasn't doing pizza commercials, does that, does that. I go, what the fuck? Are you doing a Pizza Hut commercial

[Nikki Glaser]

for like millions and millions of dollars?

[Bert Kreischer]

But he's got millions of millions of dollars.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like there's a. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Pizza Hut's a good company, is it not?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it is, but you're totally breaking it.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think that's. I think that's like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, let me do the Pizza Hut commercial.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're right. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let Gronk do the Pizza Hut commercial.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. I get confused between what name you just said and, like, Elon Musk's thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gronk and Elon Musk?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, he has, like, an AI. Isn't it called that, too? Or is it called some Gronk? Oh, I get so confused. I thought people were always talking about the. Is he a football player?

[Bert Kreischer]

Gronk.

[Nikki Glaser]

I thought they were talking about him until I realized, can you please have Gronk on? Gronk? Is his name short? Is it like, Gronkowski or something?

[Bert Kreischer]

Rob Gronkowski.

[Nikki Glaser]

And he is greatest, but he's like. You think he's below Tom Brady?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, everyone that plays football is below Tom Brady because Tom Brady's a goat. So, like. Yes. And Tom Brady is a diamond. No matter what. How many Pizza Hut commercials he does, he's a diamond, but, yeah, he's an absolute Tiger woods diamond. With Alex Earl. Who?

[Nikki Glaser]

Tom Brady and Alex Earl. Do you have thoughts on that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's Alex Earl?

[Nikki Glaser]

Really? You don't know who that is? You're on the Internet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Steve Earl's daughter.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's, like a. She's one of the biggest, if not the biggest influencer right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's got to be hot.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How old is she?

[Nikki Glaser]

25, maybe 23, 24. One of those. She just went viral for being at, like, a party with Tom Brady, and they were very touchy. She was, like, rubbing his back and stuff. None of you guys have heard of that? What is. You guys are all old. I don't know what to tell you. That's definitely very relevant right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I ever get a chance to see Tom Brady at a party again.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. You're gonna ask.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll get very handsy with him.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And just go get the pictures quick. It's gonna end quick. And be like this. And be like, oh, my God, I think Bert's fucking Tom Brady. Yeah, Alex Earl is out.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think that's so believable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, how much? Okay. Just out of curiosity.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm being for real.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just want the press. Right. My publicist reaches out to you and says, hey, Bert's got a premiere tomorrow night. I don't know if you're invited, but I'd love for you to come. Bert's premiere tomorrow night. Listen, for real, give us your price point. We just want some viral pictures of you and Bert getting handsy just to go viral, to promote the show. What's your price point? Not anything you're asking me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cause that used to happen. That happened. That used to happen in Hollywood. It was a big deal.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's a thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

They set up couples to promote a series or a show and go, hey, this will make you go viral. People start going, oh, what's this, Bay? Wow or ban wow or, you know,

[Nikki Glaser]

and then game them. That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

$10,000. All you have to do is.

[Nikki Glaser]

I wouldn't do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. We're gonna. Our number's going up.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All you have to do is one picture of you, two hands on his hips looking up at him, one picture of you, one hand on one hip, one hand on his chest. And then one picture, hand on his hip, hand touching his ear. Let's start the. No. Just $10,000. Just say yes or no.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

$20,000.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

$100,000.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

$150,000.

[Nikki Glaser]

No. Why are you, like, not going up as high anymore? Like, you start.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because. Because the price point's losing its value.

[Nikki Glaser]

I would. I would, like. I feel like that would be.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's counter.

[Nikki Glaser]

Negative press for me.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's negative press for me. It would ruin me.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's not gonna ruin you. That's gonna be great for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, you're gonna be all for myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've painted myself in a corner with my wife.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That if I cheated on her, I would ruin my career.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like your wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've talked about her on every special I talked about. Because I love her.

[Nikki Glaser]

So everybody knows. Yeah. Okay, so this is. Why would we do this then?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just. I'm. No, I'm just saying, like, because that was the thing back in the day.

[Nikki Glaser]

I was just like. I think, like, 150, and I fucked my pictures, and I don't. Yeah. And I'm going to be like, you

[Bert Kreischer]

can't, and you got to stay mom. That's the other thing is they'd be like, Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise are dating.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be. That was. I think that was actually really one.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they had to take pictures together. They had to do look lovely. Allegedly. I don't know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And then they. I just don't see what benefit that press back then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Press was hard to get you podcast. You didn't have social media.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, that makes sense. I. What could we say during this podcast to just get press in general? What could we talk about right now?

[Bert Kreischer]

Talk about Israel or.

[Nikki Glaser]

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I cheated on everyone else before your wife?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

What made you do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was my life. It was like, you're living your life.

[Nikki Glaser]

How much do you love, like, your wife? Are you. How long have you been together?

[Bert Kreischer]

We've been together 25 years total. I think we've been my whole.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's. That's crazy. I was three when you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Nikki Glaser]

Started dating.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. No, no. Between 22 in 2002.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

So I was like four. It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's hard to quantify how I feel about my wife in words to the public because it's just going to sound like bullshit. I think no one would ever, like. I just make fun of her all my specials because I think that should be how you see how much I love her. It's like, if. If you love your wife enough, you're going to shit on her and make fun of her and make fun of her accent and her family and. But like, yeah, like, I'll just tell you. Yesterday, and you know this, we were in the hospital for blood clots in my legs and my lungs and. And I realized at one moment that this is gonna be the woman in the room with me when I'm dying.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I thought I got the right one.

[Nikki Glaser]

Aww.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like. And that's. And that, you know, like. And she herself. Because if that was flipped around, I'd be like, can we watch tv? Like, what are we doing in here? This is driving me nuts. I'm gonna listen to myself.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. Are you a good husband?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you do sweet things for her?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have. I have workarounds. So I cheat code.

[Nikki Glaser]

So no.

[Bert Kreischer]

So listen, if you're a guy and listening to this, this is a cheat code. This is what I did. I walked down the street one day. I was walking to get coffee, and I saw a flower shop. I think it's called Diana's Flowers. It's on Laurel Canyon. I walked in, I introduced myself to this woman, Diana, and I said, here's the deal. I'm bad with. Remember, get flowers. So here's my credit card. These are the dates. I wrote down the dates. I said, I need you to send peach roses with white lilies on all these Dates from me. Here's my nickname to hear. This is what the cards would look like. I go. And though surprised me, I said, if you guys are low on money a month, throw a set of flowers in for me and just send them to my wife so I don't ever have to think about it. And I got flowers coming at least nine times a year. Know. Know that I'm good for nine surrounds. I'll tell you what, I'm good for 12 flower sets of flowers a year and make them look nice. But it's the biggest cheat code as a man. And so that's smart. Yeah. And so I don't date my wife enough, I think. I. We work together, and I wish.

[Nikki Glaser]

You work together how?

[Bert Kreischer]

She runs my production company.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, that's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is great. She's awesome. But it makes things complicated when you work together and we don't date enough. Like, we don't go out and our sex is probably better than it's ever been.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, I didn't ask about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It gets better when you get older.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, good to hear that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm happy for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, how important is sex in a relationship to you?

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know. I feel like I'm especially bad. Like, it's not important to me at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. But I think that I'm like, especially weird. I've been with my boyfriend now for, like, a little over a year. Yeah, it's like, if sex is like. I don't know. It's just not that high for me. It's never been, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's like, there. I'm like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think my wife was like that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughter's left for college.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm in such mom mode right now that it's like, sex is so. Like, I could have, like, once a year maybe if I wanted. Like, if I had it my way.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was my wife.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

That was my.

[Nikki Glaser]

Well, that's good to know. It gets better.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then all of a sudden, she got on testosterone because she was going through menopause, and really, she turned into a whore.

[Nikki Glaser]

And that's where you're currently at?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I mean, it is like, I'm gonna sneeze. Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Sorry. I sneezed so many times. Very annoying.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't notice.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, thank you. So, yeah, I. I used to like me and my ex. Thought a lot about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Nikki Glaser]

Probably mainly, like, one of the reasons we got a divorce. Kids were still. I could not. I'm like, I. When I. When my kids were just like, Babies. They're still. My youngest is three.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's where your head's at as much.

[Nikki Glaser]

All I do is like, I sleep with my kids in between them every night. Like, I. I don't know. I'm not. That's all you think about right now

[Bert Kreischer]

is just, you should meet my wife. My wife was identical to you. Really identical to you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I want to hang out with your wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's pretty awesome. And she. She was also. She's very proactive. So, like, when our kids left, both went to college, she canceled all my tour dates and was like, you're not going out on the road because if you go on the road, you're disappearing from the issue at hand, which is we're alone and we need to be alone together. And she got us into couples therapy. Oh. And she was like, we're gonna just not cause we had a problem, but more to like, yo, who are we? We just were alone for the first time.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's a crazy feeling. Where did your kids. They went to college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Both of them went to college. And it was just. I can't say the.

[Nikki Glaser]

In the state.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, so they left you state. That's terrifying. I'm so scared of my kids leaving me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bobby.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's the best thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the worst.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. I can't imagine it being good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know how kids get sleep anxiety?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. I get it too. When they're with their dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, oh. You get going home anxiety. Like when your kids aren't in the house. Your house right now, when you go home.

[Nikki Glaser]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's loud energy.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what. No, but I got divorced. I've had to, like, ease my way into that feeling. Imagine that three nights out of the week. I don't have my kids. It's been over.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would have just lied to the judge and said, he's not a fit father.

[Nikki Glaser]

I think about it all the time. If only he was a little less fit. Cause he's so fit. And then I cry every time they leave as if it's like the first day they left because my house is so empty. And I'm like, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what it's like being an empty nester.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know my brother, his kids just like his oldest just left for college. His next one is about to leave. And he's like, it's the weirdest. Cause you know when they're little, you're like, you can't get any time away from them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

And then you realize how much you value the time where they're under your roof and you can keep them safe. And I'm so afraid of the day that I can't keep them safe under like I want to just. But I think I'm gonna go to college with them. I think I'm gonna force them to stay in California. So good, so good, so good.

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Bert Kreischer]

I thought about that and they didn't agree. The greatest. The greatest. My greatest memory of having kids. High school. Sunday morning, both girls had gone out. All their friends are at our house. You got like six, seven girls all sleeping in the screening room. It's around 9:00 clock in the morning and you start making bacon and it wafts its way up to the screening room and they smell breakfast is getting made and slowly girls start trickling down and they make coffee and they're like, bert, what are you making for breakfast? I was like, what are you guys looking for? I just got fresh croissants. I got some donuts. I can make breakfast burritos. And everyone puts their order in. And you're a short order cook for, like, eight girls. And you're listening. And this is the beauty of being a girl, dad. You're listening to little girls bust balls like dudes, and they're making fun of each other about the night before. And you're just listening. You're just a fly on the wall and just turning over orders quickly. You guys want. You cool with American cheese? What's the difference between American and cheddar? Oh, American fought for its freedom. You know, just fun telling your dad jokes. Oh, it's. Yeah, it's.

[Nikki Glaser]

I love being a girl, mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, girls fucking rock.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. I actually. I'm so happy I don't have a son. I don't know why There's a thing about, like, girl like me. Boy moms, like, they're like, I want a boy. I want a boy. So many women are like, I want a boy. And I am so grateful.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to dinner with Tom. Tom Segura is my buddy. He's come into.

[Nikki Glaser]

He has boys.

[Bert Kreischer]

He has two boys. And I went to dinner with him, and the first thing his oldest son said to me, he goes, I could choke you out. I was like, oh, this should be a fun dinner. He's like, do you think I could choke you out? And I was like, can we not choke each other out of dinner? And he goes, I'm good in jiu jitsu. I bet I can choke you out. Dad, can I choke him out? And Tom's like, go for it, buddy. I'm like, what are we doing?

[Nikki Glaser]

That's what I find boys to be so obnoxious. They throw a lot. So much.

[Bert Kreischer]

And someone loved the boy energy of, like, punch him in the nuts, buddy. Like that. Like, you ever seen a boy come up and just go, crap? And you're like, what the fuck, dude? I will light you up. You are seven. I'm on testosterone. I bet. 325, I'll throw you through a fucking wall.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you know what I hate more than, like, an obnoxious young boy is an obnoxious teenage boy. I think they're the worst. I hate teenage boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean a confident teenage boy obnoxious. Give me. Give me a goth autistic loser.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I'll take them all the confident ones that are the problem.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get me a One day. I used to live over by the Starbucks on Laurel Canyon. And Riverside. And there's three boys in my front yard, and they're drinking. Remember when unicorn Frappuccinos were a thing?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're drinking unicorn Frappuccinos. And they're sitting on the curb in my grass. I go, yo, Georgia, you know these boys? And she goes, yeah, we go to my school. I go, you know them? Know them? She goes, I don't know. I don't speak to them. They're dicks. I went, why? They sit in my front yard? She goes, I don't know. I opened the door and I was like, hey, guys, keep it moving. And the smallest one with the thickest head of hair turned around and goes, evan, we're done.

[Nikki Glaser]

I hate. I hate him. My daughter is calling me. Should we answer?

[Bert Kreischer]

Please.

[Nikki Glaser]

Hello?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you driving?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I'm at work, remember? How many hours? Just a couple more. Like two more hours. Okay. Mommy's right here. Yeah, Tell me real quick. Yeah. Did you. Oh, that's good. Yes, baby, I want you, too. I'll be back in just a few. How about you get ice cream and then, mom, you'll be back right after you get ice cream. That's a good idea. Is that a good idea? Yeah. Tell me really quick. You made me a present, Mommy? Yes. Okay, I can't wait. I'll bring you a present, too. Okay. If you guys are so good. Mommy? Yes, baby. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mommy?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. You're eating sour candy. Okay, I love you guys. Mommy's going to finish working. Okay? Just tell me one last name.

[Bert Kreischer]

How are you calling me out loud?

[Nikki Glaser]

Because you called me and I wanted to answer because you'd never call me. I love you so much. Okay, I love you. I'm gonna hang up now, okay? Okay. Love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, too. Bye.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just experienced what it was, and I miss that so much.

[Nikki Glaser]

It makes me so sad that it's gonna happen before I know it. They're gonna not be little. Oh, wait, that's her when she was little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Let's call my Isla. What's up?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm with my friend Bobby. We're doing a podcast. Do you want to tell me how much you love me?

[Nikki Glaser]

I love you a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do? Do you want to get ice cream and get sour candies?

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I can't eat sour candies, but I can have ice cream.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I love you, Isla. Show her that. They don't call me dad. They call me fetus.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God. I'm still Mommy and Daddy and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I haven't Been dad in a while.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

What nicknames do I have? How old is your kid? 3. 3.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, so that makes sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. All right.

[Nikki Glaser]

What you say?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing. What other nicknames did I have than dad?

[Nikki Glaser]

Feet, fetus, Walrus. There. I don't remember all of them, but there's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, I love you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Bye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bye. This kid was a fucking lunatic. She never took a good picture in her life.

[Nikki Glaser]

It goes by fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

It goes by so fast.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Life goes by fast. I was 27 in LA, going like, this is where I want to live for the rest of my life. And now, all of a sudden, I'm like, 53. And I've been living here forever. And people go, where are you from? I go, tampa. And they're like, really? You don't seem like you're from Tampa. I go, I've lived in LA my entire life.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's crazy. It's turned sad really fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cause I hate it when they become teenagers. I'll make sure you meet Leanne. Cause Leanne is a really good, really good base of information on raising kids. And there's a book she read called I love you, I hate you Now. Will you pick me up?

[Nikki Glaser]

Aww.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's about when they get to a certain age, they know they need you, but they want to grow and be bigger than you and that. I went through that with my daughters, where they were not Isla. Isla and I were always tight. Always tight. Georgia and I had butted heads, like, really bad.

[Nikki Glaser]

You're close now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really close. Like, crazy close. Like, she called me as she was getting her oil changed and just talked to me for, like, 30 minutes on FaceTime. Like, really crazy close. I think they were embarrassed by my celebrity. They're embarrassed by.

[Nikki Glaser]

They were.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were embarrassed by.

[Nikki Glaser]

I get scared of that, for me,

[Bert Kreischer]

because I'm like, I said celebrity, by the way.

[Nikki Glaser]

You did. It's okay. I'll let you have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just bleep it out so it sounds like I said the N word.

[Nikki Glaser]

Definitely. We'll do that. I get scared of my kids because I'm like. I feel like it's a. Well, when you have kids, you're like, I want you to be proud of me. But then I'm like, they go to school in la and there's so many impressive parents. And I'm like, you're gonna think I'm the biggest loser. And it's just. I feel like it makes me have to work harder. Cause I'm like, I don't want you guys to be like, that's my mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Bobby.

[Nikki Glaser]

They're going to. They're going to do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I shared all my specials. I just shared stories about my families, and it was all making fun of my kids or dumb and these idiots and this and that. And, I mean, I shared. When Isla got her period, I shared it on Conan.

[Nikki Glaser]

I would. See, I don't even share my kids, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's smart. I didn't know. So, like, we were doing stand up back in the day when I murdered my dad, by the way, when it wasn't. You weren't doing it for the Internet. You weren't doing it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

You were just doing stand up. It was stand up was stand up. Then it wasn't what it is, where everyone's putting out clips every day. It was just, you went on the road, you did stand up, and if you had a funny story about your kid, you told it, and no one was ever going to see it. And then you get ready for your special, and your kid's only like six, and you're like, oh, it gives a shit that she told her. The lady. She told Kathy Fromkin she needed a coat hanger to break up a piece of shit in the toilet. Like, you don't. You just. Just stand up. And then she put her finger in the dog's. In her ass and put it in the dog's mouth like this. These funny stories that were like, I share. And then they get older and you don't realize that they're. You're. You're. You're leveraging their anonymity. And then Isla had her period. It's one of my more famous stories. Georgia got her period and was traumatized by it. She didn't want to grow up. And it just happened one day, and she was a little young for it, and it freaked her out. And I was like, that shit's not happening to me. I'm not. And so she got her period and she threw a period party and she celebrated it, got a red velvet cake. I remember this is like, yeah. Oh. And it. And it went viral.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then little girls started sharing that they saw that, that their dad showed them that. And now they're not freaked out about their period. They're excited for it. And they're going to throw a period party and eat spaghetti and drink red Kool Aid and all dress in red, and then name it and island named her period Jason because she got it on Friday the 13th.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that was a very popular movie back in the days.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so Heard of it, so. But when she. When I first shared it and she island knew Conan, they were watching it and Leanne and Isla. And I just was backstage, and Conan's like, how are the girls? I said, good, because how's Isla? Cause Isla's always my little lunatic. I go, she just got her period. And he was like, oh. I said, yeah, dude, she threw a period party. He goes, what the fuck's that? I go, I don't know. I've never heard of it before. But she's got a red velvet cake she named her period. Everyone dressed in red, and they invited two boys and didn't tell them why they were there. And he was like, can you talk about this on stage? And I was like, yeah, sure. And I shared it. And Isla watched it. She's with Leanne. I'm on a flight to go to perform at some club. And I was like. He goes, how's Isla? And Isla's like, oh. And she was like. I was like, oh, she just got her period. And she hit pause. She was in sixth grade, I think, or whatever. You get your period. And she goes, do a lot of people watch this? And Leanne's like, they do. She was like, am I gonna like this story? And she goes, I think you will. And Isla watched it and was, like, confused. Cause she was young and she didn't know. Am I making fun of her or not? And Leanne was like, you understand, it's not. It's not something people do is throw a period party. Like, it's kind of unique. That's why dad's sharing it. And the next morning, I got flooded with emails from dads and little girls going, thank you for letting your dad share that story. I got my period today, and my dad showed that to me, and I named my period Doug.

[Nikki Glaser]

And so I've never heard of. What year was this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I couldn't tell you.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, 2004 or five before.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. Probably 20. 15.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

15, 16.

[Nikki Glaser]

I wonder why I didn't hear of this. Maybe I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm almost. What? How old is your isla right now?

[Bert Kreischer]

19.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, she's 19.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. She's still young.

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Nikki Glaser]

I don't share anything with my kids, like any.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

There's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't share anything about yourself?

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so hang on. So that's interesting because we're the exact opposite. I've shared everything about myself from beginning to end, and you've shared nothing about yourself. And I look at you, envious. Cause I go, it must be nice. But at times, are there parts of you that you wish you were a little more open about?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Do you know what? I will tease things about myself here and there. But I think about it, I actually decided that I got asked to do just a random little 80 person thing for Netflix as a joke coming up in maybe. And I've never. It's never even crossed my mind to do standup. But I. And they weren't even asking me to do standup. They were asking me to do like a live podcast. But my head went, yeah, I'll do standup there. Never done standup in my life. Never had any desire to do standup. That's like so. But then I was like, but I want like, I want like a 400 person venue. That was my only request. And they were like, yeah, we can do that. But like you're doing standup. And I was like, yeah, no, I am. And they were like, do you have like anything prepared? I was like, no. Like, come the month before, I'll start to think about this a little bit more. But like, let's. I'm just gonna do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But there's so many people like you that I enjoy. It makes me very uncomfortable. Like, stuff like this makes me very uncomfortable because I don't know. Cause I'm an oversharer and I don't know how I am too with like, you. These are the three people that I've worked with that I'M always nervous about. And it always goes so well. Like, fun, you, Caleb Presley, and funny Marco.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or like. And Theo for. Yeah, Theo is. Except I know Theo very well. I know I know him very well. And so I'm. I.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's easier.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's easier. And there's a part of. And now talking to you, there's. It's. It's just a part of your personality. It's not. It's not like a character.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I. I tried. Yeah. And that's why it started. Like, my interview started off very, very dry, but it was only because, like, I was very nervous and I didn't know how to talk to people. And it's like, it has. And the reason I talk more, I guess, now is Cause, like, as I've been interviewing people now for years, I can talk a little more, but I'm so awkward and uncomfortable and, like, I can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's. You. Like, it's like. It's like Theo is. Theo may think people may see that as, like, an exaggerated version of himself, but it's actually not. A friend pass away.

[Nikki Glaser]

You and Theo?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, a mutual friend. And I had to call him and tell him, and he FaceTimed me back, and in sharing that our friend had passed away, he said the funniest thing on accident. And I was like, this is just. And I'm laughing hysterically going, this is. I remember. He was like, this is a long time ago. He goes, hey, man, will you come over to my house? And I'm gonna film a video. I was like, what? He goes, like an instructional video, cooking video. I'm gonna start slow, and then we'll build. And I was like, cool. So we go over, and I was like, what's the video? I'm gonna teach the Internet how to make a glass of water. Like, a good glass of water. And I filmed it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Did you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I wasn't in it.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, my God. You filmed the video?

[Bert Kreischer]

I filmed the video for him, me and Chris Fairbanks. And he made a glass of water. And he was like. He's like, I think I'm popping. I'm gonna go for, like, a sandwich. You guys think you got time for film me making, like, peanut butter and jelly sandwich? And he's like, fuck it, just peanut butter. I don't wanna make things complicated. And he wasn't joking. And that's what's the brilliance of his comedian. And I think sometimes with most comedians, it's when they're not joking is when they're the funniest. But yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

And they're just. I think it's fun. I think I could maybe do stand up. We'll see.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to. You want to come on the road with me?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I will get three days off.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then just take it. Let's get. We'll get the. Be the three days, like a weekend.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, it's in arenas.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Yeah. They would be so mad if I stood on stage. Like, people I. People hate. I feel, like, hated by everyone, but then, like, all I feel hated by. Literally. That's, like, my biggest, I think, flaw in life is, like, I am. You know how men are, like, delusionally confident. I'm, like, the opposite of whatever that is, which is, like, I have no confidence in what I do. But I always feel bad. Like, they asked me to do, like, just to prepare for this. They were like, you need to do some stand up to prepare for it. You can't just, like, go there and do it like, for your first time.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would argue exact opposite, really. My first time on stage is probably the funniest I've ever been.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really. I, I, I'm all about winging it. Like, I'm like, wing it. I can. But so I was like. They were like, you should do, like, the Comedy Store and stuff. And I was like, they would be so mad if, like, I ended up on the stage there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like, no, no, that's. That's old. That's old school comedy.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. And they don't want me to, like, be on the lineup.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, everyone be so excited because they go. They go, I saw your video with Santino. You're fucking hysterical. Oh, my God, I saw this. Hey, everyone be so excited. If you showed up at the store, there would be very few people that would be like, ugh, that's. That's old school mentality. Like, Steve O. Had to deal with that. When Steve O showed up the store, there were comics like, what's this guy doing here? This is our space. Comedy's not like that anymore.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. I think it's fun. You're doing arena tour. That's really cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Permission to party World tour. Go to burber.com. three would. Four would be ridiculous.

[Nikki Glaser]

Bur berbert.com I like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was from the movie Tora. Tora. Tora.

[Nikki Glaser]

Never heard of that either, but I imagine that's another old movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Am I wrong?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you're not. You're not. You're wrong at all.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, yeah, so I feel the need to clarify.

[Nikki Glaser]

By the way, the Reason my daughter called me, and she's only five years old, is I bought her for Christmas a watch.

[Bert Kreischer]

The watch?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, it's the gizmo. It's called.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they can make phone calls only

[Nikki Glaser]

to, like, me and my nephew.

[Bert Kreischer]

My nephew does that to my. My sister.

[Nikki Glaser]

How cute. Okay. It's honestly, like. And I. I haven't asked. I bought it because I was like, well, when you go to your dad's, you can take it and call me. But I understand why that would be annoying because she called me the whole time. I feel like. So I haven't asked him if he could keep it there, but she'll call him one. Because I'll be. Call your dad. Like, I. I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I like that it's a friendly divorce.

[Nikki Glaser]

Friendly. It's. It's. We're.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're.

[Nikki Glaser]

We're kind of friendly. We're friendly enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's funny that it's. What's weird when we talk about these, like, what are they called? Parasympathetic relationships.

[Nikki Glaser]

Parasocial.

[Bert Kreischer]

Parasocial relationships.

[Nikki Glaser]

That works.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember when you got divorced.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you? Yeah, that was a good, interesting day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't that crazy? Like, I remember that. And I was like, oh, shit. I didn't even know she was married. And then I was like, people's reaction. I remember when you got too much Botox.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, you do? Yeah, I still have. I did that again recently.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Nikki Glaser]

It makes news. For some reason, when I get bad Botox, I always think it's like a dumb video I'm posting and then it makes news.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you do an episode with my wife and get Botox with her?

[Nikki Glaser]

Would she get. You want her to get some. Oh, don't. That's mean. Why do you want to just be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. Just. The lights are out. Close.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why do you want her to get Botox?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's not going to do anything if she already has wrinkles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Nikki Glaser]

It's, like, preventative.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, just be like, she's like this little girl.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's going to look crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

How does it look?

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I can't smile right now because I got too much.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was your personality.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay? It is and it isn't. I can't smile. Do you want to see my smile? Do you want to see it? Open your eyes, then. Look. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not bad.

[Nikki Glaser]

It won't open all the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it looks.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's frozen. I'm frozen. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where did you get Botox at?

[Nikki Glaser]

I went to a dentist about my jaw problems.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, why would you get Botox at a dentist?

[Nikki Glaser]

No, that's exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why would I. I went there because I thought he was gonna be like, what? Like, give me a mouth guard or something. Cause my jaw was hurting, and he's like, 100 units of Botox. It'll help. And I was like, that feels excessive. It was like, $1,000. Got it in my jaw, and he put it in my temples. The next when it kicked in, I was like, oh, my God. When I first got it, I couldn't. I was like, all I could do, and I was like, oh, my God. I ruined my face. It's been months now, so we're getting better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? And it goes away, right?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, but it takes so long.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? That's not bad. You might as well load up.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do you like your toes?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love my toes.

[Nikki Glaser]

They're great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you? They're Florida State colors.

[Nikki Glaser]

They're one color. What's the other? What's the. Garnet Is that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then my skin's gold.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Garnet and gold.

[Nikki Glaser]

That looks like a single.

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta admit, these are beautiful feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

I have better feet than you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. I absolutely do not.

[Nikki Glaser]

I. 100.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not being critical, but your big toenail is kind of creepy without paint on it.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's not. It's beautiful.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I have.

[Nikki Glaser]

I have a 10 out of 10 on feet finder. What do you have? I bet you're not even on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guarantee you I am. I'm barefoot all the time. I'm barefoot all the time. What is it? I'm on feet guru. What's it.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm on. I have, like, a perfect score. My feet are scored perfectly. I will fight you, feet finder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Foot fucker.

[Nikki Glaser]

Burt. Let's see if you're even on there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have to be. I'm barefoot all the time.

[Nikki Glaser]

That doesn't mean you have to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that's. Yeah, but it's probably only girls I see. My daughters are on there.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, Wikifeet. Are you on WikiFeet?

[Bert Kreischer]

100% on WikiPede. I'm so glad I got this outfit on.

[Nikki Glaser]

Wait. I actually am so shocked right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm on Wikipedia.

[Nikki Glaser]

You are. And you have a good score. Now I'm like, is yours better than mine? I'm gonna be mad.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have beautiful feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, no, I. Mine are better than yours. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. No. So I have a. I Bet to a bicep. Mine is like a five. I have five stars. And mine's like, rated gorgeous feet. And, like, it has.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to be very clear right now. Yeah, I have a little bit of a foot fetish. It started in seventh grade.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's disgusting.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. Not like, I don't want feet to touch me. But a good foot makes a woman sexy. Let me just see your foot. Present it to me like I'm the prince who found the glass slipper.

[Nikki Glaser]

My toes aren't good right now because I haven't had a. Like, my nails are short. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But they're great if you grow them out. Let me see. Just present your foot like I'm presenting.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know how to present a foot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at my.

[Nikki Glaser]

Never presented a foot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at my feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't know. They're just.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

I have a. They're. They're. They're great.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're good.

[Nikki Glaser]

You have a 4.83, but I have a perfect five.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, because you're a woman. Realize how many fucking guys I turned. There's guys on there going, guys, you have.

[Nikki Glaser]

You have good guy feet, but your big toe. You think that's a good big toe?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a superior big toe.

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a great big toe.

[Nikki Glaser]

Why is your toenail so short? It looks like it's, like, barely on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I run marathons.

[Nikki Glaser]

Grow it out and then see, and. And then it'll be better. I think that's your only.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think your feet aren't bad. You have a good pinky toe. You're a little more like. You look like you ever seen Barbie's feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

The doll? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got, like, Barbie feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

Interesting. Is that bad?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like. It was. Just. Doesn't look like your toes do much. You look like you're probably a good swimmer.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm not. I'm like, the least strong swimmer that's ever. I would die if I got washed away by a wave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, Ready? Let's just do this. We'll put it online.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God. Mine are. What are you gonna say?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just gonna go.

[Nikki Glaser]

These are what if. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

They can't know who it is. They can't know who it is.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't tell you whose feet these are, but just tell me. Gentlemen. Anyone? Don't rate these feet. Hot feet. Don't.

[Nikki Glaser]

Don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hot feet. Are they sexy? Yeah. Present them.

[Nikki Glaser]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at those feet Smash. Or pass.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't tell you whose feet these are, but just tell me. Gentlemen. Anyone? Okay, hold on. Just tell me if this is a boomer. Raise these feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

Hot feet, Hot feet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pole these feet.

[Nikki Glaser]

He knows how to do a pole.

[Bert Kreischer]

Smash or pass.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm so afraid of this. People are evil.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't know who it is.

[Nikki Glaser]

They're gonna still. They're gonna give me a horrible. This is crazy. I've never had my. My feet so analyzed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you host the Golden Globes?

[Nikki Glaser]

Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you host a Golden Globes?

[Nikki Glaser]

What a dream. Would. Would I. Who wouldn't? Would you not?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, absolutely.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Why not?

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck it. It's too much peril. Like, I'm not a good. I'm not good at. Like, I'm a storyteller.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, I'm not good at that.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, I don't think I'd be good at it, but I would do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nikki's great at it.

[Nikki Glaser]

She's amazing at it. I would say she's, like, one of the best at it. Like, she's the only one who doesn't get any. Like, there's no negative. The people. Some people will host it, and they're like, that sucked.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you what she does really good is she's in. In real life. And I think people can sniff this out in real life. She's a fan. She loves that she's there. She loves the celebrity. She's not trying to be better or bigger than any of them. She's not competing for any of their jobs. She's celebrating them. And in celebrating, she takes a playful jab at them. I mean, the thing about Leo. Did you see the quote about Leo last night? She said no. She goes, leo something. Can you believe he did all of that before his girlfriend turned 30? And then she goes, leo, that's all we know about you. She goes. Would it be. Would it kill you to open up a little bit? The only reason we make this joke is because that's all we know about, which is such a great job, because the guy doesn't fucking share a thing. All right, let's see where you are in your poll.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God. Oh, God, I hate it. I hate it already. If I'm not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, it's uploading. Uh. Oh, I got this one guy that always just goes, fly to Dubai, bro.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And every time I post anything. What about Dubai, bro? Do you go to Dubai? Would you perform if. Okay. No, no. Ready?

[Nikki Glaser]

There's a few things I wouldn't do for me okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, perfect.

[Nikki Glaser]

Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

They just got a text. Vladimir Putin would love for you to do a podcast with him, make him a little more likable.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. How much am I getting paid? I'm not doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just get the numbers that you get on YouTube. Oh, no, but you're gonna be fucking crazy.

[Nikki Glaser]

I know. They would be. I wouldn't do that. No, I wouldn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, Kim Jong un.

[Nikki Glaser]

Definitely.

[Bert Kreischer]

Definitely 100%. You do Kim Kardashian.

[Nikki Glaser]

I do that for free. Yeah. What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Who?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Is it, like, censored? Is he gonna tell me what gets to be in it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think that's his gig.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, no, no. But I would do it if he wouldn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

If he said. He goes. If he's like.

[Nikki Glaser]

He said, whatever happens, happens. Like you. I am in charge of editing.

[Bert Kreischer]

If he was like. And I don't. I hate doing the accent. But he was like. All right, here's what we're gonna do. I'm bad at accent. That's my Korean sound.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like the turtle.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can do it. I'm bad at accents. Okay. The Prince of Saudi Arabia.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. I'm telling you. Am I getting paid? Okay. If I'm not getting paid, then I have to. It just can't be filtered.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so you do Putin, Saudi Arabia, Kim Jong Un, Bill Cosby.

[Nikki Glaser]

He's canceled, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. I think he's dead.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, God. Is he dead or canceled for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's blind. I know that.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's been canceled.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm gonna. No, I don't want somebody that's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, they just want to candy coat their image.

[Nikki Glaser]

No, no, no. But I'm not gonna. I don't wanna. I would interview Donald Trump.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right.

[Nikki Glaser]

I've publicly said I would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

I got a lot of people who are mad at me on both sides for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's your white whale?

[Nikki Glaser]

What does that mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a book called Moby Dick. When we were kids, we had to read it in school.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. I heard about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know it wasn't on your Kindle when you were growing up.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Moby Dick was a story about Captain Ahab, who was always trying to kill Moby Dick, this white whale. So that was his white. His goal was to kill this white whale. So we use that as an analogy to say, what is your white whale? My white whale was always to do a TV show about my family, and you did that, and I got my white whale.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, okay. So what's like, my. Can you rephrase it then. Like, what's your, like, dream?

[Bert Kreischer]

What's your dream?

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, okay, I like that. That's better. My dream in life. Hmm. Like, let me ask you, is it attainable or.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's your white whale. It's your white whale.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, not impossible.

[Bert Kreischer]

It may kill you because at the end. Spoiler alert.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, it kills him.

[Bert Kreischer]

He kills him.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. Did. Did you die after you got your TV show?

[Bert Kreischer]

It may kill me. I got blood clots all over me.

[Nikki Glaser]

That's probably why. Okay, so what's something that, like, is my dream?

[Bert Kreischer]

It may kill me.

[Nikki Glaser]

I want to act. That's like my actual dream for real, but, like, very. I have very, like, specific thing that I'd like to. I don't want to, like, just. I'm not trying to be like Rachel McAdams in the Notebook. I would like to, like, if I could get cast in like a modern day office, I would. That would be my dream.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

But like a popular. Not like, not something that fails. I want to be like, in a hit new TV show that's very dry or movie. But that's like, I want to be like an. Like, that would be. My dream is to have something like Aubrey Plaza. Either.

[Bert Kreischer]

Abby Plaza is so fucking talented.

[Nikki Glaser]

She is. I hope one day I can do that. Would be my dream.

[Bert Kreischer]

What can I tell you? You gotta. Yeah, you gotta get your own ship to get your white whale. You should just fight it yourself.

[Nikki Glaser]

I did. I have one that I'm working on that is like, I actually feel very like. But I need, like, to raise more money to film it. Honestly, like, it's not that much. I'm just really broke right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not broke.

[Nikki Glaser]

I am in like a. I'll set

[Bert Kreischer]

you up with a guy that'll do what, produce it.

[Nikki Glaser]

And hopefully. I have a really funny show that I've put. I have one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll set you up. I'll set you up with the guy. He's out here. If you can take a general meeting, I'll set you up with him.

[Nikki Glaser]

So I was working on it with Lionsgate at first, and then by the time we got to like, the actual drafting it to people, I hated the idea so bad and I knew that no one was gonna, like, take it. I was like, the idea that I had versus the idea we took to Netflix was like, so couldn't be at all what I. It was not what I wanted. We got there, I was like, they're not gonna take it. They didn't take it. Like, Netflix Hulu, all of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like you should play a therapist who every. At the end of every episode, one of your clients kills themselves.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. I feel like she's listening. I listen. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you do listen, but I feel like she was, like, didn't get my reference. Wait, I want.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'd be a great therapist.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet you would. I bet you would.

[Nikki Glaser]

But I think I actually. I'm great at therapy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you call it tough love therapy.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's very tough love.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to say I'm gonna set you up with a guy. Are you. Did you get an invite to the premiere tomorrow?

[Nikki Glaser]

Of course. Yours?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Well, if you can come.

[Nikki Glaser]

I actually did arrange my childcare around coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Nikki Glaser]

Like, my kids usually go Wednesday night to their dads. They're going Tuesday night.

[Bert Kreischer]

My best friend that I've grown up with, I've known forever, produced this TV show, and I'll introduce you to him, okay? His specialty is making really great things for cheap. Oh, and putting. And he's done everything you've ever liked. You remember a TV show called Broad

[Nikki Glaser]

City I've heard of. Do you know what? When I talk about my show, people say, watch Broad City. I've never watched it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's really good.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, I'll watch Broad City.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll love him.

[Nikki Glaser]

So can I tell you my fear of why I might not go tomorrow? Why I hate places where I don't know anybody? I don't know anybody, and I have a fear of that. I'll usually walk in and walk right

[Bert Kreischer]

out, so I do, too.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, how do you fix this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got name tags for everybody. Everyone wears it, and it says what they do.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay. And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you can go.

[Nikki Glaser]

No one can talk to me. I'm gonna sit in a corner by myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll fucking talk to you.

[Nikki Glaser]

I am sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nikki Glazer will be there. I'll introduce you to.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, and then they'll talk to her.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. I will. And by the way, you can ask anyone this on the Internet. Everyone knows I am the best introducer of.

[Nikki Glaser]

Are you okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm better than anyone. It's. My insecurity is I don't know anybody and I don't know anyone's name. And when I got to a place where I was the person people were talking to, I wanted to make sure no one had what I had.

[Nikki Glaser]

I like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I always introduce people and go, hey, I hope you know my friend. And they're like, of course I know him. And I go, great. This is Bobby. She's amazing. Nikki, you know Bobby, obviously. And she'll be like, oh, my God. And then once you know Nikki, Nikki introduces you to everyone.

[Nikki Glaser]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a lot. And Whitney will be there. There's gonna be. So this is not.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'll come.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll know half the people there, without a doubt. More importantly, anyone you don't know, I'll introduce you to.

[Nikki Glaser]

Are you gonna wear sandals?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm wearing compression socks with the toes cut out. Maybe. Oh, maybe I'll just wear compression socks to here.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah. Cause I feel like this was a waste of, like, a lot of money if you don't show them tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Question is, did you play in rubles? Because if it's in rubles, it's only $7.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, this is in USD.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Nikki Glaser]

Yeah, no, it's. I was like, should we do a manicure, too? I was like, no, that's gonna be like $10,000. So maybe we should just stop at the pedicure. And now look at our. Let's show our feet for our final.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, let's see what your.

[Nikki Glaser]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let's not see. I'm scared of that. Honestly, I'm so afraid of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert. Still uploading.

[Nikki Glaser]

Okay, Bert, maybe that's. That makes sense that it would still be uploading for you. You probably exited way too soon, because if you're still not on Instagram, it's not going to upload, just so you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean?

[Nikki Glaser]

You can't just, like, exit the app and then hope it somehow miraculously uploads?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, all right.

[Nikki Glaser]

You have to keep the app open the whole time.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did.

[Nikki Glaser]

You didn't know that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I can't.

[Nikki Glaser]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can't see anything.

[Nikki Glaser]

I'm excited for your premiere tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean like this?

[Nikki Glaser]

Yes. It says uploading, so wait till it says done. You keep exiting out of the app settings. Don't touch anything. Just open the app and stop touching stuff. No, don't see anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do I save the video saving story to camera reel?

[Nikki Glaser]

You don't have to do that. Cause you just. Wait a minute. It's almost there. Just give it a second. Stop watching it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It looks black.

[Nikki Glaser]

It's not going to be okay. I promise you don't. You did it again. Stop recording.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just gotta leave my phone open

[Nikki Glaser]

like this for a second. Let it finish. We're never gonna know how good my feet are now.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost uploading. Do we have WI Fi here?

[Nikki Glaser]

I don't think you need it? I don't think it's that bad. I have like. Do you have Verizon?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I hear a blow on it. It uploads faster.

[Nikki Glaser]

All right, guys, my episode with my grandpa is now completed. Let's get out of here. Your toes. Look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I take this out? Yeah.

[Nikki Glaser]

You should have taken that out a while ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what old women wear when they have bunions.

[Nikki Glaser]

Do they? I don't think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Nikki Glaser]

@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] There's a world where

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms. And there's magic around every corner.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It's a world known to many as Great Britain. You've seen the action on screen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now visit the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great Britain hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my how we do it gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow267's million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.