Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (108:58)
I don't know. If my dad was alive now, I'd love to know, but that was my dad's life for 30 years, right? So dad had all these plans for retirement that, you know, when I retire, I'm going to see the world with your mum. I'm going to go and set up a street clinic for kids in Calcutta, which is where my family are from, in India. But he got sick at 57. He had to retire with ill health. At 57 he got the autoimmune disease lupus. He lost the sight in one of his eyes. He was on kidney dialysis for 15 years. One of the reasons I moved back from Edinburgh, where I finished medical school and was working. I moved back to the north west of England, where I live today is to help my mum and my brother look after my dad, which we did for 15 years. Okay? Highly, highly stressful time. But that experience has had such a big impact on my life. My dad's death in 2013 was probably the most traumatic thing that had ever happened to me at that time in my life. Right? I never felt that death really applied to me until that happened. And I would see my dad every day. I live five minutes away. So it was a huge hole in my life. And my dad's death was such a big turning point, like it is for many people when a parent dies. But it forced me for the first time, to stop looking out there for answers and to go inwards. And I started to ask myself these questions. You know, whose life am I leading? Is it my life or is it someone else's life? And I really feel that dad's. You know, the way I feel today is I feel that dad's death was a gift, actually. Like, I love my dad to bits, and I feel him around me more now than ever before, even though it's, what, almost 12 years since he died. A few months, it'll be 12 years, which it's nuts to say, but we get to shape our own story about anything in life. And I've chosen to see my dad's death as a gift now because the most powerful lessons I've learned in my life have come from my dad's death about myself. They've helped me become my own man and find out what is my journey, what is my story, and even what we're talking about, these regrets of the dying that we think doesn't apply to us, it's in the future. And this is why I worked so hard to create these practical exercises to bring it into the present for people. You know, I take four to six weeks off rich every single summer, right? I've done it for three years now. Now I want to acknowledge my privilege in being able to do that, right? My dad certainly, I don't think could have done that. Many families cannot do that. I accept that. But a few years ago, I realized, well, I don't have a boss anymore. It's kind of up to me when I work. And I realized through the lens of my dad's life, dad was always working. We didn't see him that much growing up, right? Because he was trying to provide for us and he provided amazingly for us. He gave me and my brother Estelle first class education. But I'm like, he went through those sacrifices and mum, for that matter. The tragedy would be, is if I don't learn from them, if I repeat the same behavior, and I have had tendencies of overworking, for sure. So this whole process that I write about in this book that I'm so passionate about is once you start going inwards and start understanding your inner world, you will start to make positive changes by asking Myself each day. What is the most important thing I have to do each day by regularly doing that write your own happy ending exercise. And reminding myself that people on their deathbed say, I wish I'd spent more time with my friends and family. I wish I'd work less. I recognize my privilege. At the same time, rich, many people who can do what I do don't. I've come to the belief that the biggest disease in society is not the disease that I can diagnose, use in my clinic. It's the disease of more. More money, more downloads, more followers, more holiday, whatever it might be, that that's somehow going to fix the hole that exists inside us. It isn't. I've tried that game. Many people try that game. So I know that these exercises helped me make that big decision. I didn't just suddenly wake up and go, I'm going to take four weeks off this summer. No, I had to do these exercises. I had to remind myself, small changes. And then it got to a point where I thought, why not? I could just stop the podcast for six weeks. I can stop and I delete all my social media apps and I see the world with my wife and kids. And I tell you, it is the most incredible experience of the year. We connect, we bond, we go on adventures together. It would never have happened if I just. I didn't wake up one day. I had to take small steps and reorientate myself about what's important. And the rich, you might resonate with this. I'd love to know your view on this. Someone in the podcast world, I can't remember who it was now, said, ranga, listen, this is a bad move for your show. I said, tell me more. And they said, listen, you've got a slot in your listener's weekly routine. I release on Wednesdays every week. Right. People go on walks on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening, and you're the soundtrack to their walks. If you stop releasing for six weeks, you're allowing a different podcast to take that slot, right? I don't know if you've heard this advice before, but that's certainly what someone in the industry told me. And I thought about it. I thought, I actually don't care because what I'm going to gain is so much more than what I will potentially lose. And when Bronnie Ware, this nurse, came on my show two years ago, we had this beautiful conversation. This came up. I remember saying to Bronnie, I never really said this publicly before, but I said to her, bronnie, I'VE had to really think about this. If it's really true that I do this podcast to help people and it's not about my ego, then why does it matter? If people find a better show for them in the summer, isn't that a good thing? If they find a host that they prefer to me and a show that they prefer to me, it doesn't actually matter now, genuinely, that's how I feel. I've changed the way that I view the world. I understand that life is a set of experiences, and it's the story we put onto each of those experiences that determine the quality of our lives. My conversation with the Auschwitz survivor Edith Eager really taught me that on such a profound level that it's never, ever left me, that I get to shape the narrative on every single event in my life. This idea that you've spoken about before, that I've spoken about before, that most events in life are neutral. It's the perspective that we choose, and I use those words intentionally, that we choose to take on them, that ultimately determine their outcome. And I think one of the reasons that we can't make change that lasts is because we're not aware of our inner worlds. We don't understand that we're constantly generating emotional stress by the way we interact with the world, right? So, for example, I've experienced the infamous LA traffic this week that I've heard you talk about so many times on this show, right? And you see people reacting and getting het up in their cars around this traffic. Now, I don't live here, right? So I get it must be frustrating. But the reality is, if you're driving and you're running late and someone cuts you up and you decide to go on a mental and a verbal outburst on them in your car, stupid driver. They shouldn't have a license. What are they doing? You know, someone should give them an eye check, you know, whatever it might be. I've been that person before, right? So I'm not judging. But people don't realize that they don't have to react like that. That is a learned behavior. And when you react like that, it's a reliance on an externality. And the problem is, and this is one of the key secrets to behavior change for people, the emotional stress that you generate by the way you interact with that driver is the reason you're consuming too much sugar and alcohol. Because that emotional stress that you have just generated, it's not neutral. You will have to neutralize it in some way. You might go to the gym, you might Go for a run, or more commonly, you'll get to the office, you'll moan to your colleagues about that stupid driver, you'll go to the vending machine, you'll have some sugar, you'll have chocolate, you'll need an extra glass of wine when you get home from work without realizing that you generated that emotional stress by the way you interacted with that situation. And there's lots of tools in the book on helping people understand that you can change the way you interact with that situation. You absolutely can. And if you think that you can't, let me share this with you as we record this. Rich, I'm coming up to the 500th episode of my show, right? And people like I'm sure they do to you, ask you, well, what is the most impactful conversation you've ever had? And the truth is, I don't know, right? Many of them have impacted me and transformed the way I view the world. But if I had to choose, the one conversation that never leaves me is the conversation I had with a 93 year old lady called Edith Eager. When she was 16 years old growing up in Eastern Europe. She was in her house with a sister and her two parents. She had a date with her boyfriend that night and she was thinking about, what dress am I going to wear? Her family suddenly get a knock on the door. Her whole family get put on a train and get taken to Auschwitz concentration camp. When she gets there, within two hours, both of her parents are murdered. The same day, maybe one or two hours later, the senior prison guards ask her to dance for them. The senior male prison guards, because she's a 16 year old dancer, she has to dance for them after her parents have been murdered. There are things from that conversation that have never left me. Rich. The first thing she said to me that I always think about is this. She said, rongan, I never ever forgot the last thing my mother said to me, which was, edith, nobody can ever take from you the contents that you put inside your own mind. So she says to me, rich, when I was dancing in Auschwitz, I wasn't dancing in Auschwitz. In my mind I was in Budapest Opera House. I had a beautiful dress on, there was an orchestra playing, there was a full house. It was amazing. I thought, okay, this is pretty incredible. You're in hell. Literally, you're in hell and you've reframed your experience. Then she tells me, whilst I was in Auschwitz, I started to see the prison guards as the prisoners. They weren't free in their mind. In my mind, I was Free. They weren't living their lives, which is pretty remarkable given what she was seeing and experiencing day to day. And then her final words to me, Rich, which I honestly feel have become tattooed into my soul. And they have. Probably one of the reasons why I feel so happy these days is she said to me, rongen, I have lived in Auschwitz, and I can tell you the greatest prison you will ever live inside is the prison you create inside your own mind. And it just landed. It just landed in my head. I thought, oh, wow, that's what we all do each day. We're creating these stories inside our mind about the way the world is, about what people are doing to us. And then we generate this emotional tension inside us that we then need to soothe with our behaviors. We don't realize that we have the power to change those stories. And so I did a practice for years, which, frankly, I no longer need to do. Like a lot of these changes, you need to do them intentionally and consciously initially, and then they become automatic in your default behavior. So while we do this practice again, I hope by sharing it, someone's going to take me up on this and do this to improve their own life. Every evening, once my children were in bed, I'd sit down and think about, when did I get emotionally triggered in the day? Because it's easy to think when we get emotionally triggered, that it's down to that other thing, that comment we got, the way that person spoke to me, the driver who cut me, of course I'm entitled to feel, like, stressed and wound up because that person shouldn't have done that. Hey, listen, you can choose to live your life in whichever way you want. Just know that there's a consequence to having that sort of relationship with the world. I would reframe these incidents and go, oh, why has that comment bothered me so much? Why has that action by my colleague bothered me so much? Why has that email triggered me so much? What is it within me that has been triggered? It's about taking responsibility that our feelings and our emotions, they're coming from us. Nothing out there is inherently offensive. If that thing was offensive, all of us would feel offended to the same thing. But we don't, because we are being triggered by something in that comment. And once you understand that, once you've built that gap between stimulus and response, once you even know, like with that 3F exercise, oh, there is a space between stimulus and response, then you can start to change it. So over the years, I would reframe and go, oh, oh, that's because My mum used to say that to me. Oh, that's because I'm actually quite insecure. Like, one thing I've realized with having a large social media presence like you, Rich, over the years, no matter how much good we're doing in the world, we'll always have naysayers or people not liking our style or what we do. And so you'll get critical comments and people. You say, oh, you need to grow a thick skin. If you're a public figure, I don't agree. I don't think it's a thick skin you need to grow. You need to understand your relationship with criticism. But I think you can move to a point where actually you have quite a healthy relationship with it in the sense that I've now come to the conclusion that criticism only bothers us to the extent we believe it about ourselves.