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- [00:00]
A
Hey, guys. We are buying two more boutique hotels along the California coast here with Summers Capital. 45 rooms off Market in Catalina island and a second deal up in Bodega Bay, which will make a total of eight boutique hotels owned and operated. Our investors get passive income tax benefits. And the best part is, unlike investing on Wall street and a lot of these other asset classes, like multifamily, our investors get to go and stay and experience these boutique hotels firsthand to see how their money's working for them. And so if you want to learn to see if we can help you before this opportunity fills up, you can go to summerscapital.com invest to book a call with my team. Again@summerscapital.com invest to book a free call with my team. Now let's jump into the show.
- [00:37]
B
How do you actually show up in a society that's not really loving men right now? Be able to connect, be human, but then also be strong, be able to be the provider. Like, most guys are coming back to a home where that's the most unsafe place that they could be in the things that they're challenged in in business or their profession, that's the safe place for them because it's logical. But when they come home, they're so uncertain as to, like, how do I relate with her, the kids, or the dynamics here? Testosterone is the main driving thing for men to go and seek challenge something that's uncertain, to overcome it with direction and with clarity. When she feels like she has to be his mom, all the sexual energy goes out the window. There's always a different problem. It's not necessarily finding the right person. It's becoming the right person.
- [01:19]
A
All right, guys, today I got a men's respect coach in the building. He is the founder of Respect Gains. I got Tony Bova. What's up, Tony?
- [01:29]
B
Not much, man. Happy to be here. Very excited, dude.
- [01:32]
A
I know, man. I'm excited for this conversation, man. You and your girlfriend.
- [01:37]
B
Yes.
- [01:37]
A
You guys have this company where you guys are helping men. What are you guys helping men with?
- [01:42]
B
Very specifically around respect. So disrespect, rejection. A lot of guys today are feeling disrespected, rejected, manipulated. And how do you actually turn that around? How do you get respect? How do you actually show up in a society that's not really loving men right now and be able to connect, be human, but then also be strong, be able to be the provider, not just with, you know, financially or physically, but emotionally, spiritually, energetically. How. How do you do those things? And we've been doing this for about 12 months, getting great results for these guys, showing them like a few things that it's not so black and white. You don't have to be so stoic that you have to be impenetrable. But also how do you actually show up in a relationship that actually gets her attracted to you, desires you? And also how do you make more money? How do you, how do you actually show up in a way where you get respect no matter where you are and you don't have to be 5, 5 or 6ft tall. You can be 57 like me, and you can, your life can look like a wreck. But how do you actually rebuild out of that?
- [02:48]
A
Yeah, that's really good. I mean, shoot, like Jeff Bezos is like 5 foot 3 and that guy's got all the options in the, in the world, my man. So, you know, that's one of the benefits of being a guy is you could be 5 foot 3 and figure out a way to become Jeff Bezos and have all the high quality options that, that you could ever dream of. So you said a couple things here that I want to unpack. Very important. So you said society has made it uneasy for men in today's environment versus what it was 30 years ago, 60 years ago, et cetera. What do you mean when you say that?
- [03:21]
B
I think the general, you know, when, when we talk about toxic masculinity, for instance, or what masculinity actually looks like. The, over the last several decades there's been, there's, you know, and not, not to take away from victims of sexual abuse or anything like that. But the MeToo movement and, and the feminist movement has really brought down like good men being able to stand up. They, the men that actually want good things to happen have feel criticized for when they actually show things. And so through that they don't want to be shamed publicly or in. Through that process because they've seen all these other guys that have, you know, it's always like that 1% of, of men that, that shows up where it gives all men a bad name. It's like pretty much any industry I'm in law enforcement. If there's 1% of guys that, that show up in a way that, and they think all cops are that way and that there's no good cops out there. But so, you know, it's, it's not allowed men to actually start to confront the things that, that really make them men, where they get to be human and connect while also, you know, being strong or being Relentless, Wanting to be focused on a mission, being able to go after something strongly. And you know, even, even being cold, like, it's just, you have, being cold is, means you're not connected to your emotions and that's, that's not the reality of the situation.
- [04:43]
A
Yeah, I mean, if you look at our parents generation, our grandparents generation, I think more traditional relationships back then is very common for the man to go out, work, hunt, provide, be the provider financially and also bring the food to the table. Right. And the woman in a traditional role was to stay at home, raise the family, all that sort of stuff. And so, you know, you, my parents, even my parents, my, my mom was kind of like the stay at home, raised the kids, and then my dad went out and was the provider. And so you're seeing a lot less of that. Today we have technology education. I think a lot of women are going and getting college degrees, master's degrees are going on to become doctors, attorneys, and. Yeah, I mean, there's a movement out there where, you know, women don't necessarily need men the same way that they did back 20 years ago, 40 years ago, etc. And so I do feel like as a guy out there today, it's easy to feel less desired, if you would. And let's face it, there's a lot of distractions out there for men today. Video games, fantasy football, sports, like these are all distractions. And all those, all those things that I just mentioned don't necessarily appeal to a woman that's looking for a life partner in a man. Right. We're talking sports, we're talking fantasy football, we're talking video games. Like, those are all, generally speaking, a turnoff for most women. And so you're seeing an. A time where Michael Sartain, he's been on the podcast a few times, he says something like 32% of men in America go through an entire calendar year without having a sexual partner. That means that they don't have a, an option to have sex for an entire calendar year. 32% of men, and don't quote me on that number, but it's, it's a low 30s is what he says. Now. That's crazy, right? If you think about it, and there's another stat out there, I don't know what the number is, but it's a lot higher than you think. But like men under the age of 40 that are actually living at home with their parents playing video games, you know, working part time as a server, not really being a productive member of society and not really Getting after it, you're seeing a high percentage of men do that. And so why do you think that is?
- [07:05]
B
I think there's a bunch of different reasons. One thing that we don't really talk a ton about is the testosterone levels are at a all time low. And so testosterone levels, so like your, the biology of things. So there's, you know, a couple of the different things that we focus on. And we, we partner up with core medical group, they're, they're a hormone replacement therapy organization. And so a lot of guys are actually, they, they'll say normal range is around, is 200 to 900. And so about, I don't know, maybe 50, 60 years ago, a normal range for, for a man in 1950s was about 1500. And so if our range is, you know, you're telling me 200 is normal. And testosterone is the main driving thing for men to, to go and seek challenge, to go and seek something that's uncertain and to overcome it with direction and with clarity and being able to feel confident in what they're doing. And our testosterone levels are really low. And there's a lot like a bunch of different reasons why. I mean, you could, we could talk about plastics or we could talk about pornography. We could talk about how things have become so easy for men these days and it's not as challenging to have to actually like become a man. And you know, it was easier I think in the sense back in the day it was, you know, you protected and provided that gave you a foundation. And now because that's kind of been taken away, you have to show up differently as a man today where you're showing up in an emotional state or an energetic state, that's very different than protecting, providing. And so because women can go out and they can get, they can be like, we really hone in on safety. What makes a woman feel safe and that's what actually makes her feel connected to you. And if she doesn't need you for your money and she doesn't need you to protect her anymore, most guys are lost with that. How do you actually do that in a way where, because, you know, Sabrina and I's belief is that men are very much needed inside of a relationship. Women do need them. It's just, it looks a little bit different than it was fifty, sixty, a hundred, two hundred thousands of years ago where there's no bears coming into the, the camp where they're going to like, you know, you have to have that fight or flight situation. It's well, how do I show up for her so she can actually be grounded in her emotions. So she gets. Because we, we talk to a lot of women too, that, you know, they, they, they have been able to get their college education. They are able to financially provide for themselves, and they're still like, no, I really want this type of man that can show up for me and hold a frame for my, my emotions because they're, you know, they're running off estrogen and their emotions. You know, we, Sabrina, I talk about the 28 day cycle a ton where like every single week, you know, she just got out of her luteal phase. And her luteal phase is she's, she has a rough day, she's frustrated about things. How do I hold space for that? But then when she's ovulating, she's like the most incredible woman in the world. Like, she can handle anything. She's exciting, she's passionate, she's vibrant. And, you know, but then it comes with me being able to see, okay, she's different this week. And then the inconsistencies of her and how I change, how I see that. Instead of her being crazy, I'm like, oh, this is great, because it gives me an opportunity to be challenged by her and how that can kind of shift the momentum of the relational dynamics.
- [10:08]
A
Because, yeah, I think a lot of women, when they go out with men, some men can be intimidated by certain women. And those women that intimidate certain men, generally speaking, need to be with a guy that is a true alpha so they can truly be in their feminine state. I know a lot of successful females that have successful careers and they're a little bit more mature. Men take them out and, and they, the men will feel a little bit intimidated. And because of that, it's hard for them to, to find a partner that is aligned.
- [10:49]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [10:49]
A
You see what I'm saying?
- [10:50]
B
Yeah. No, 100%, because I think men are measuring what that woman actually wants based on what they think they want from them. So, like the protecting and the providing piece of. She already has that handle. What do I have to offer her? And that's not, that's not really our, our belief is that's not the core of what she actually wants. You know, when I first started dating Sabrina, I, I went, I had been through a divorce and multiple, like, toxic relationships. I was still living at home with my parents. I, My money wasn't dialed in. I have three kids from like two other relationships and she's dated millionaires before and she was like, no, this guy's different. And what made me different was like, she thought I was cocky in the beginning parts of it. I, it wasn't like, oh my goodness, I'm so, I can't believe I have the opportunity to be with her. It was like, you know, I, I said this one thing to her and it, she, she was like, you're, you're, you're such an asshole. You're so cocky. But I, I, I. When we first started dating and I didn't commit to her for like nine months, I was like, make it impossible for me not to choose you. And, and I, I told her that right from the very beginning. And that was this situation where I like, flipped the dynamic around. What she was used to being put on a pedestal and just. It didn't matter that I didn't have the money that she was used to dating. It didn't matter that I wasn't like 6ft tall. Didn't matter, like, all these different things. It was how I, how I knew myself and that being able to stand ground and who I was and what my standards were and what I wasn't, what I was willing to put up with and what I wasn't willing to put up with and that I didn't, you know, I didn't make it this black and white thing with her, but, but that I actually saw her and like, accepted her emotions and the uncertainty that came with her and actually praised it. And that was like this thing where she's like, I've never experienced this before. Yeah.
- [12:36]
A
What makes a woman feel safe?
- [12:38]
B
What makes a woman feel safe is, you know, at the very core of what it is, is a man knowing who he is. So that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Because when we look at the feminine energy that comes with women and, you know, I believe there's different classes of, like, how feminine a woman can be. She wants to know that this man is grounded. No matter what happens. It doesn't matter what actually is about to show up. It's, it's, how is he going to handle it in that process? Is he going to complain about it? Is he going to be, you know, scared about it and show that to her? Or is he going to be able to hold his, his frame and, you know, say she criticizes him for something? Is he going to call her out on it and be like, hey, that doesn't work for me, or is he gonna succumb to it and be like, oh, this is the best I'm gonna get, so I better be I better please her so that she stays with me. And then the long game of that is eventually that. That whole relationship deteriorates. And that's, like, what makes her feel safe. It's her. His ability. His ability to say no to her when it doesn't align with him or, I don't know, I'll have to figure that one out. And, like, being able to carry his own uncertainty, not relying upon her, like, he's. She's his mom. Like, when she feels like she has to be his mom, then all. All the sexual energy goes out the window. All the attraction, all the desire. Most guys don't realize how sexual women can actually be if they actually start to hold a frame in a way where they actually feel energetically and emotionally safe, where they can share these things so that they get to experience, like, feminine is supposed to be wild. It's supposed to be, like, uncertain and not predictable. Masculinity is predictable. I'm. I'm grounded. I'm clear. I have direction. We're going here. I have a mission. Whereas the feminine is. Is like, you know, when we look back, like, thousands of years ago, they. The. The way that they operated was primarily out of safety. And they always relied upon the men to make sure that. That things were, like, taken care of. And they could. They could just be themselves. They want to be able to be free. They want to be able to have that radiant energy where they get to experience their emotions. So men get to experience their emotions through them. It's kind of this unique relationship that not, you know, I haven't seen that many people get to experience it. And it's something that I want to. I want more men to experience it and more women to experience it, because there's going to be this ripple effect that kind of comes from it through that.
- [15:03]
A
What's the ripple effect?
- [15:05]
B
Well, the ripple effect is that, you know, when, you know, for me, very specifically, I saw it through a mentor, okay? And I didn't. I. I kind of had, you know, my dating life after divorce, and I started to experience, like, these women were seeing me different. Like, I. For whatever reason, they connected to me differently. And they would say how different I was, and I didn't really understand that. And I ended up, like, connecting with this mentor, and he started to explain, like, why they were experiencing me different. And being able to know that it's possible will create a ripple effect, because it doesn't matter how many guys are in my group or who I mentor, the guys that I mentor will mentor other guys. Just naturally and then that will change other guys around them and then it just kind of ripples out throughout society. So like it's, you know, it starts out small and then it builds up slowly over time. And then these guys start to see, oh man, this is possible. This is something I can actually get to experience not feeling shame in my relationship. I can feel like a man in my relationship, but not like I have to be a complete asshole with her. And we can actually build something that's like really beautiful together. Yeah.
- [16:07]
A
So what are your thoughts on my relationship? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts. So, been with my girlfriend for a couple of years now. We live together and she was working as a bartender. She had multiple jobs when I, when I met her, she was working as a bartender. She was working at David Yurman, and she was struggling to, to make ends meet. You know, here in San Diego, cost of living is not cheap. And she was hustling and like barely making it, you know. And so, you know, then we, we started living together and, and she's a stay at home girlfriend now.
- [16:40]
B
Yeah.
- [16:41]
A
Right. And you know, she doesn't work. I obviously give her the option to work or not work if she likes. She does some fitness content on the side and she does a little bit of like fitness, kind of like mentorship, Very, very little bit of it. But that's what makes her happy. And I give her the option to work or not work. She raises our, our puppy and it, I definitely want four kids. And like, dude, we're like best friends. We get along really great. She cooks, she cleans, she does laundry, she does all this stuff that allows me to, you know, kind of be truly in my, my, my masculine state, if you would. And so I'd be curious to hear like, what, what your thoughts are on something like that.
- [17:22]
B
I think it's great. I think, you know, I think a lot of the times we think about it in terms of, you know, does she cook, clean, like what just does these traditional things. It. I don't think that really matters necessarily inside the relationship. I think a woman can do both. Like, she can, she can have a mission she can have, but is, is, is her guy like supporting her in, in what she's doing in a way where she is always feeling safe. So like, money obviously is a huge thing for safety for women. That's why they focus on it. Because if they, they don't, they're so uncertain internally. They, they don't want to. Like when she was working and she was, you know, Doing the bar thing that it felt very uncertain for. She didn't want to have to, Women don't want to have to hustle because every week things could be different. Like with Sabrina, for instance, there's, there's weeks where she's like, I can't do content this week. She has to prepare for it and plan for it because she doesn't, she's not feeling for it and like, she's not feeling in her state. So, like, I think what really matters for you is like, do you guys get to talk about really difficult things and have uncomfortable conversations and do they get, do they, do they allow you to get closer together and that, that would be my question for you.
- [18:32]
A
Yeah. 100. So we do it. We do a Sunday check in every single Sunday and we talk like, everything from, hey, State of the Union. We do a check, a check in, you know, uninterrupted time. Oscar's over there smiling. You know, how we, how are you feeling, you know, emotionally, mentally, physically? You know, any bids for attention this week that you notice? How can we, you know, repair from those, any moments of conflict this week? How can we prepare for those? Any, anything that I can do to support you this week and vice versa and all that sort of stuff? Those are, those check ins are very good as an agenda. But the reason that she doesn't work or she has the option to work or not work is because, like, she's going out and hustling a lot of hours, right? And to make a few thousand dollars a month, I'm like, dude, that's, I used to value, when I was working full time as an air traffic controller, I used to value a woman that actually made a decent salary and income because I thought the dual income would be, would allow us to have more financial freedom and allow us to live a lifestyle. But now I value a woman that's available, that has the time because, you know, going and grinding and hustling to make a few thousand dollars a month, to me, that's not really worth it. You know what I'm saying?
- [19:50]
B
Yeah, no, I, I, I think that it's a great option. You know, I think, you know, Sabrina and I were running the business together, but I hold, I hold the responsibility of the business. Like, I don't, I don't put the responsibility of like, the hard decisions on her. I don't hold like, she, she's like, I don't want to do that. I'm like, no problem. You don't have to do that. Like, what do you want to do. And how. How are you going to show up that. Because my view is I want to make sure that, you know, I am providing for her as financially as much as possible, because I know that it's going to make her feel safe. She doesn't have to feel like she has to go out and hunt like we did as men, like, thousands of years ago. We had to go out and hunt. That wasn't the woman's job. And so hunting now is for men is like money. Like, my job is to hunt for money so that we can put food on the table and have. Have a freedom so we don't have to be. So we can really be us. You know, my view on money is, is that if I had the more money I have, then the less I have to. I don't have to take opinions that I don't appreciate or don't align with me or be around people that bring my energy down. It gives me freedom. It's not necessarily the lifestyle. It's. It's the ability to experience. I get to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and how that. Actually I get to, you know, hang around with people like you, rich, like, incredible. Like human beings that are up to something, want to do something, want to see change, want to see beautiful things happen. And, you know, for her, she. She's. She's kind of like there on the ride, and she wants to be able to, you know, like, I have three kids, and they're, you know, from two other relationships, man, She's. She does the same thing. She's like, well, she's with my son right now. Like, she's like, kind of stepped into that stepmom role. She. My kids love her. Uh, we do, like, great family things. The other. We talk about our own parenting together. She stepped into that role where she does. She. She cooks and she cleans and she does these things. But it's. For her, it's being able to feel connected and safe to me, which, you know, when she was like, we don't. As men, we don't really understand some of the things that our girls have been through. Like, when she was two months old, her dad died. She's from Morocco. He died in a car crash because she was in the hospital because she had some developmental thing, or not mental, some development like, thing after birth that happened. And he was coming to see her, and he passed away. And she told me this story almost immediately when we started dating. And I was like. I was like, whoa. Like that. That's Heavy. Like, what have you been doing to, like, heal? She's like, oh, it's not a big deal. Like, I didn't know him. I was like, no, that. That. That's something that. That's showing up for you, that needs to be handled and so that you can get to experience. Because she was kind of blocked in that area. And so she's been working on that for the last two years and, you know, starting to experience her emotions. I think most guys get afraid of their women's emotions, and that's the thing that actually. That connects you the most. It's the thing we actually want to experience. Like, the. The. That's where their softness and their. The. Their vibrance comes from, is from the uncertainty of their emotions. And I've kind of flipped. How my perspective was is like, I don't want to experience that. It's. No, I want to experience your emotions because it gives me life. Like, women are life force. And so how do we show up constantly in a way that, you know, the external things are great, but internally we show up strong, grounded, and then also, you know, how do they feel? Like they can. They can express themselves. Like they can. You know, one of my standards was Sabrina. I told her this on date number two was, yeah, I can handle anything, any of your emotions, all of it. Like, everything that comes. Like, whatever you've been through, whatever you've experienced, but don't ever make me the reason why you're experiencing that. And that was like, that's been my standard because I've. I've actually kicked her out before because of that. Like I said, you're making.
- [23:33]
A
Kicked her out?
- [23:33]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I kicked her out because she.
- [23:36]
A
What happened there.
- [23:37]
B
There was something that was. I was working on something on a project, and when I'm focused, I need to. I need to have my focus. Like, I can't have her interrupt me. And she kept interrupting me about something. And this is. It's funny because they're my kids, but there was something going on with the kids, and I. I was very direct. I said, honey, I. I need you to, like, I need to finish this project because I have adhd. I can't, like, come back to this. Like, I need to finish it, otherwise it won't get finished. And I already kind of told her, and she kept kind of pestering me about it, and I was like, please don't do that. I'm gonna handle this. And then she brought it up later. So it's like this thing that women, when they get they get scared or they get, like, anxious or something like that. They'll. They'll bring stuff up because it's. There's this energy that's being built up inside of them. And so she brought it up again, and I looked at her, said, what are you. Like, what are you doing right now? Like, we just talked about this. Like, I don't know. Like, this is something for you to handle. Like, you're dealing with something that you're worried about them in some capacity. And I think they're just. They're fine. And so. Well, I got really frustrated internally and was like, one of the first times I got frustrated, and I, like, ended up going to the basement. I came back, what am I doing right now? Why am I getting kicked out of my space when I was. Because we've had. We had agreements around this beforehand. I came up and I said, honey, I need you to leave. She's like, what? She's like, she's never been kicked out before. I said, I need you to leave right now. Like, I. We've. We've already talked about this. You crossed this boundary. And I, like, I can't have that. And she was pissed. I was like, oh, maybe the relationship's gonna end. She was thinking the same thing. She ended up leaving, driving around for a few hours. She comes back. She was even more pissed at me because I was just asleep, like, passed out. And when she was just mad at me for about three days, and I was, like, fine with it. I was like, I'm good with your feelings. On. On what this was. I know for me, I can't. Because I knew what the back end was with other relationships. The more I conceded to, like, what I didn't feel was, like, important to me. The relationship would deteriorate over time. And so three days afterwards, we ended up talking about it, and we had this, like, really uncomfortable conversation. Are we gonna, like, still be together? And she ended up thanking me. At the end of it. She's like, I appreciate the fact that you, like. She thanked me for kicking her out of the house, which was, like, another moment for me of, like, okay, the evidence is, like, clear. Like, this is important because it makes her feel safe, that she knows she can't move how I see something, even if I'm wrong. Like, and I'm not here. Like, men are perfect or we're perfect beings, but I need to be able to be grounded in order to show up for her. And so she thanked me for that because she knew I wasn't willing to Take what. How I saw the situation, just concede to her, her emotions to it, and then, you know, drew us closer together. And she's, like, respected me so much more because of it, which is such an incredible story. You know, I would have been a different story. I probably wouldn't share it if we, like, broke up and, like, it didn't work, but, like, the. The fact that it. That, you know, there's been multiple times in our relationship where she thanked me for something that most women would have been pissed about, and then the relationship might have cracked, but I was willing to risk it because I knew for me, it was more important for me to have the relationship I wanted than to concede to her emotions of how she thought I should be. And, like, that's just like, for me,
- [26:46]
A
it's like, what are your thoughts on, you know, space in a relationship or a break, if you would? Let's just say that, like, you know, there's a lot of ups and downs, a lot of stop and go, and things just aren't coming easy. They're not coming organically in a relationship, but you have really good fundamentals. Things at one point were really great, but they're just not coming easy. At this particular time, what are your thoughts on, you know, taking a extended break? Whether it be a week, a month, three months, and then if it's a fit, you guys get back together, or if it's not a fit, then you can split up at that time?
- [27:23]
B
I think we. We try to make things too black and white in terms of relationships. I think space is a good thing. I've heard a lot of people talk about how, you know, in the relationship, space, like, space isn't a good thing. And it's a. It's a mirror. It's a reflection. You should be able to handle conversations in the moment. It should be me that's like. That's. That's unconscious competence. Like, you have the ability to do that. Like, I can do that now, but it took me years of development to be able to in the moment, know, hey, like, that doesn't work for me. So I think space is a really good thing because what it does is it stops whatever energy is happening in between the two of them and allows you an opportunity to reset. And so depending on, you know what the agreement, like, I'll give you an example. In the beginning parts of when Sabrina and I were dating, and. Yeah. And we weren't committed at that point, something ended up happening. And I. I asked. I don't actually remember what Happened, but I just knew. I was like. I wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to the relationship. And I asked her for a couple of days of space or. No, I just asked her for space. And she told me, take as much time as you need. And so I took three days. And she was. I. I called her up, I said, I feel. I'm feeling good. I want to, like, figure out how we kind of can repair this. And she was pissed at me, and she, like, gave me this attitude, and I was like, what the heck is that? And so. So she ended up contacting me and was like, hey, can we talk about this? And I said, sure. And she ended up, like, just for a couple of hours, sharing all these feelings about what she was experiencing, how hurtful it was for her, like, what. What was going on. And I said, okay, no problem. Appreciate that. And she's like, well, do you. Do you want to, like, share your side of it? I said, well, I don't want to defend my side. Are you sure you want. Are you open to what I have to share about what happened? And she said, yeah. I said, okay, you told me to take as much time as I needed. I'm going to hold you accountable to your words. So if you told me I have as much time as I needed for me, like, don't tell me that, you know, I can take as much time and then come back to the conversation, be pissed at me, because that's not gonna work for me. And so she was like, oh, wow. Like, she. And she realized, like, afterwards. Cause I think we were. We were about to go to Spain for a week. It was like, one of our big first, big trips. And she was like, oh, okay. Like, I actually have to. What makes her feel safe is the fact that I hold her accountable to the fact that I'm not willing to, like, if. If we. You know, women, they often. They're always. They're always making decisions based off of emotion. Men are typically making decisions based off of logic. And so a lot of guys get really frustrated when a woman's. When her words and her actions don't align. But I already know that that's the thing, that our job is to hold them accountable, to make sure that, like, that it is aligning so that they actually feel safe in a way that doesn't make them feel less than.
- [30:14]
A
I feel like, whenever you start seeing a new girl, it's like, you know, you go up two, three, four months, and around that time, it's like, okay, then you've got to make a decision. Three or four months, and are you going to make it official or are you going to kind of, you know, kind of go separate ways? Right? And so we're like, you know, maybe six, seven weeks in. She's at my place at this time. And this is probably a week after I reached out to my. My ex just to see how things were going. And we're sitting on the couch watching TV together, and my ex, I see my. My phone ringing. It's my ex. She's calling me. And I kind of had a feeling I knew what that meant. But anyways, I ended up taking this girl to airport later. Afterwards, I called my ex back, and she's like, hey, like, if you want to run it back, she's like, I'm all in. And I was like, hey, give me. Give me 48 hours. Let me just make sure it's the right decision. And sure enough, two days later, I said, let's run it back. I had the tough conversation with this new girl I had been seeing. I said, hey, I got unfinished business with my ex. I thought I was in a place to where I could fully move on, and I really felt that, but, like, there's still something there. And I gotta go, like, seek that through. And it's a tough conversation, but next thing you know, X comes back out. And we. We ran it back, and this season has been so good. Like, it's. It's been phenomenal. I mean, we're best friends. We understand each other very well. That break was really good for us because she got to have her space, I got to have my space. I realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side, you know, seeing another girl that I think most guys would be very content with. And I was still thinking about her. We just get each other really well. We understand each other really well.
- [31:59]
B
We're.
- [32:00]
A
We're best friends. We do everything together, man. And my ex has been sober now. Shout out to her. She's been sober for over 570 days now. No alcohol. I've seen a lot of growth in her. And she used to be a bartender when we met, you know, which is cool. And, you know, her parents are freaking great. Our parents invest with me, and I just. I don't know, man. It just feels really aligned. And that break was so good for us. And so that's why my thoughts on, like, when people are going through, they're clashing and it's not coming easy. Now I'm kind of like, in favor of, like, hey, like, Just take a break. 30 days. But it has to be a true break where you're truly not talking to each other for 30 days plus and go on your separate ways. And I think that gives you a little bit of clarity.
- [32:42]
B
Well, I like what happened because. And then I'm not surprised by it. It makes a lot of sense because the moment you guys separated and she was like, actually, you know what? I don't want to do that. Like, six days later kind of shows how feminine she is, because there's this uncertainty around it. She's been thinking about you, and, you know, when you're.
- [32:59]
A
When.
- [32:59]
B
When you're in that conflict space, it's really hard to get clarity around, like, what's actually happening. And so it was good to hear that, like, after six days, she reached out to you, but it was even better to hear the fact that you held the frame of, like, actually, you know what? I want to do this. And what ended up happening is. Is like, you kind of reset with her. And that. That was. Like, there's. Because oftentimes people take breaks, but it's not a true break. Right. Like, they are still talking or there's just this, like, an uncertain space.
- [33:26]
A
Yeah.
- [33:27]
B
The cleanness of that is really helpful because then it resets the entire dynamic and allows you guys. Because, you know, if we're measuring things externally, guys are looking at, you know, how does a woman look? You know, how does she. Like, what are her nail. I don't know, like, all these different things about a woman that we think looks, like, feminine or looks like she's beautiful or looks like she'd be great in bed or something like that. Those aren't the things that we're actually looking for. We're working, looking for a woman that's actually. She. She'd be willing to live under a bridge with us because everything's going to shit. But she has so much faith in you, that she loves you so much that she's willing to walk through things. Like, you know, I think Alex Hormozi and Layla are a great example. Like, I love the story with Alex and how he was, like, telling Layla, you know, I need. You know, I think you should leave me because I'm not. I'm not making it. And she's. She told him I would live under a bridge with him, or that's what she said to him. And I was, yeah. That story, I think, speaks the essence of what most guys want, is that when. Because life. Life is difficult. There's always gonna be problems. It doesn't really matter what level you're at, there's always a different problem. And you know, we want to know that our women are there backing us because they're our support mechanism where, you know, when shit is going bad, like, I have, you know, I have this girl that it's not necessarily how pretty she is, it's. But she shows up in a way where I just feel alive. You know, I can go out into the world and be really uncomfortable because I know what I'm coming back to is not like most guys are coming back to a home where that's the most unsafe place that they could be in. You know, they're the things that they're challenged in, in business or their profession or whatever they're doing, that's the safe place for them because it's logical. They're meeting challenges, but when they come home, they're so uncertain as to like, oh, how do I relate with her, the kids or the dynamics here? How do, how do I lead the relationship when she has everything? She already, like, if she leaves me, then she takes half my shit. Like, how do I, how do I flip that dynamic so that when I come home, I feel welcomed where she's coming up to me and you know, it's not this immediate, like, I need you to do this, this, this and this. It's like she actually appreciates the fact that you're showing up and you come home to that kind of energy, like. Cause it's, that's the safe space and that's, you know, most guys don't get to experience that, which is unfortunate.
- [35:47]
A
Yeah, that's really good, dude. That's really good. Yeah, I think, I think when you meet that right life partner, it, everything changes, especially as a, as a man, it allows you to really focus on your true vision, your true passion. Go out in the marketplace, go out in business and really kill it. Because when you're single, man, and you're looking for a partner and you're dating, it's, it's a second full time job, man.
- [36:13]
B
Oh, 100.
- [36:14]
A
You know, you got dating apps, you got Instagram, you're setting up dates, going out on them. A lot of those dates involve drinking. So now you're going out drinking, then you're waking up the next day, you know, 50 of who you really are. And it's just, it's a lot of time and a lot of work following up, setting up the dates. And then that's why I say man, like, as a man, like, there's no better hack than to have a true life partner that really feels aligned with you and that you share the same vision with, that allows you to, you know, really, you know, level up in every aspect because you get all that time back. Like, it's, you know, my girl is, man, she's great. Like, she allows me to, like, work a lot, you know, and even when we're together at home, you know, I might be working or we're out in the boat, I'm working a lot. But, dude, she, like, supports me in that, dude. Like, she helps me, and she's like, all in on this dream and this vision together. But we needed to have that time apart in order for us both to really, really lock in and appreciate each other fully. And now the season has been incredible because of it, you know?
- [37:17]
B
Yeah.
- [37:18]
A
Yeah. So what's the number one mistake that, that you see guys make that, you know, maybe just got out of a big relationship? They haven't dated someone in a long time. Maybe they were married or in a relationship for five, six, seven years, and now all of a sudden they're single and they're like, damn, I don't know how to talk to a girl. This is new to me. What, what's your number one piece of advice for those folks?
- [37:38]
B
They don't realize how valuable they are. So I think most guys, you know, and I, I, this was for me too, because, like, I didn't date in my 20s. I grew up really religious. I didn't have sex with my first wife until we got married. And I had a really big misconception about women and dating and relationships and marriage. And so I didn't have that teaching like, when I came, when I first started dating again. And what we don't realize as guys is that, that we age like fine wine. And, and the, that the more, you know, you know, from, you know, what we talk about is it's not necessarily finding the right person. It's becoming the right person. And so you got to become the right person and start to recognize, especially as men, how valuable you are to the relationship. Because in a society that says men aren't valuable any longer and that you get to show up very differently. Because most guys don't understand this. Like, they don't understand what makes them valuable inside of a relationship. And it's like an open market where you, when you start to see your value differently and how you show up and how you hold your standards, then women won't come flocking to you. And, you know, I, I, that kind of happened for me. Naturally, where I, like, I didn't even realize it just because I had come out of so many rough situations, I wasn't willing to go into another one. I kind of held these frames naturally without, without realizing it, and then it drew them in. Or how I would talk about, like, all my downfalls and how I would take ownership of it. That the biggest thing for a guy is to not go into the failure of what happened previous and to figure out the silver lining out of it and be able to own that story from like, you know, I, we didn't really touch on this, but I left my ex wife for another woman, and that's how my son came. And I thought that was gonna, like, completely kill my dating life afterwards because I had, you know, had an affair and I had, I, I had all this messiness. I had two baby moms, but it didn't matter. Not one woman. I've not been shamed or scrutinized by any woman I went on a date with because of that situation, simply because of how I saw the situation, how I, How I approached the date, and how I saw myself. And, you know, you could very easily be like, no, all this stuff matters. How much is in the bank or this or. No, the value is who you show up as a man. And so they, they have the ability. When we're younger, as guys, like, we don't really, you know, we think it's, it's the fact that we have freedom and we think that we have all this time and, you know, you know, usually we're in better shape or whatever these pieces are. You. Like, I didn't get my first six pack until I was 38. Like, I, I, I was chunky most of my life.
- [40:23]
A
You look good, bro.
- [40:24]
B
You're.
- [40:24]
A
You're fit.
- [40:25]
B
I, And I'll be honest, Rich, I'm not at my peak right now because of surgery. A year, a month or a year ago. I, the thing look good, though. The sa. The thing that saved me is I don't drink. And I, My diet is dialed in. I haven't been pumping the weights as much as I would be, like, to be, you know, working out or whatever. But yeah, like, it's, it's, it's pretty. It's a, it's so simple that to just be 1% of guys out there in the dating market, that, and not just like, frame and just being able to date tens or whatever. It is how to actually have a long, committed relationship that you get to experience life with her and build something with, like, you Guys can rebuild very easily. Um, I think for women it's actually, it's more difficult to rebuild after failures. Like, there's a lot more, women are more content being single now because they can provide themselves and they can have, they have the safety and they're not looking. They're like, why would I, why would I go date another guy when I have all the things I already need? And they don't see the value because guys aren't showing up that way.
- [41:28]
A
Yeah. And I, I think a lot of women, it's not necessarily like, hey, I just don't want to date. I think a lot of women in today's age like that go out, they get an education, they get a career, they live on their own, they're self sufficient, they have a friend circle, they're happy, maybe they have a dog. I think a lot of those women, it's not necessarily that they don't want to date, it's that they don't want to settle. And so they're not going to jump into a relationship unless it's the perfect fit. And if they don't meet that guy that's the perfect fit, that kind of hits those boxes for them, that, that truly makes them happy, then they'd rather just be single. And that's, that's perfectly fine too. I, I get that like, like some of the, some girls that I'm friends with, I get that and they're holding out for that, that, that right guy. And I mean, shoot, like for me, man, I'm the same way. I'm not gonna just date some girl just, just to date some girl, you know, like, for me, like, it needs to check those boxes, it needs to be truly like a right fit in order for me to become the best version of myself in that relationship. Otherwise I'm not even showing up for that girl, which is not fair either. But I think if you're a guy out here listening to this podcast right now and you feel stuck, you don't feel like you're growing, you don't feel like you have options. Like, yes, like, realize the bar is really low. Like we just mentioned, 32% of men out there, you know, don't have sexual partners. A lot of men out there are living at home with their parents, playing video games, watching fantasy football. They're not going out there and leveling up and figuring out a way to like, become a better version of themselves. And so the bar is really fucking low. Like, I was an air traffic controller full time 11 years, not that long ago. You know, 11 year air traffic controller, living patient to paycheck. I was working six days a week, nights, weekends, holidays. I didn't have anything to provide a woman. And I didn't have a ton of options back then. And you know, fast forward to today like six, seven years later. Like I've been able to, you know, flip that for 1k. I had into, you know, bunch of real estate under management, eight figure net worth. I've, you know, have this team, this business, like all this stuff started happening for me. We're, we're generating 40 million views a month online right now. And we've been able to inspire, impact a lot of people. And as a function of that, I have a lot more to provide for a woman and I have a lot more options. Right. And I think the extreme example is look at Joe. Not Joe Rogan, but look at who is the guys. I'm drawing a blank. Amazon.
- [43:47]
B
Jeff.
- [43:47]
A
Jeff Bezos. Look at Jeff Bezos. The dude's five foot three, but he figured out a way to become Jeff Bezos. And the man has all the high quality options that, that you could ever ask for. And by the way, Jeff is looking pretty jacked these days too. But, and Mark Zuckerberg, all those guys are getting in pretty good shape these days.
- [44:04]
B
It's pretty jiu jitsu and everything, but,
- [44:06]
A
but dude, like that is the benefit of being a man in today's environment. It's like, yeah, like the bar is really low. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. I don't care how old you are. I'm 40 now.
- [44:18]
B
Right.
- [44:18]
A
And I feel like at 40, this is just the beginning. I'm just now hitting my stride. You, you said it earlier. Woman mature quicker than men. Like a, a woman reaches their peak physically in their mid-20s, young to mid-20s. Right. A guy doesn't really reach their peak until they're in their 40s. Right. And so again, if you're a guy listening to this, you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, and you feel stuck right now. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. The bar has never been this low before. And a lot can change if you apply yourself for 12 months. Just one year of focus on the next thing, focusing on getting 1% better every single day. A lot can change in one year.
- [45:02]
B
100%. Ladies, go to the gym, get your diet dialed in and you learn, learn your story and how to tell it. Everything can change overnight.
- [45:12]
A
Tony, before we get to this, this free disrespect assessment that you that you have in a customized game plan for the audience. Before we get to that, any last thoughts for the audience?
- [45:21]
B
Yeah, I think, you know, man or woman, you know, I, I think the quality of our relationships will really dictate the quality of your life. I heard Tony Robbins say that one time when I was going through my stuff and I went to one of his seminars and it changed my life. Like, guys, stop being victim to the circumstances, start to take responsibility on stuff, and then you have the option to actually live an extraordinary life.
- [45:47]
A
That's really good. That's really good. It's all starts with accountability. And when you take full accountability of your actions, even things that you can't control, it feels good to take full accountability for the things that you can't fully control because then it puts you in the driver's seat and it gives you the options to have direction over which path your life takes. Tony, this has been really great. Where can the folks get in touch with you if they want to learn more? More importantly, where can they get in touch with you to take advantage of this free disrespect assessment and customized game plan?
- [46:16]
B
Yeah. Awesome. I'm on all platforms. Tony Jbova. I also have my. My website's on tonyjbova.com and then for your guests, very specifically, I have a respect assessment. So basically 15 different questions that guys can kind of answer. It's very simple. Takes about three minutes. Kind of go through that, kind of hit the core pieces of if they're feeling disrespected or how much respect they have. It will give you a score at the end. And then based on that score, it's going to be a customized game plan that's sent directly to them.
- [46:47]
A
I want to take this man. Where can we find this?
- [46:49]
B
This is going to be@respect gains.com respect
- [46:50]
A
gains.com There it is. He is Tony Bova. Always looking fresh to death. I'm Rich Summers, listeners. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you guys on the next one. Peace.