Mariska Hargitay on Uncovering The Real Story Behind Her Mother Jayne Mansfield

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Mariska Hargitay on Uncovering The Real Story Behind Her Mother Jayne Mansfield"

Release Date: July 1, 2025
Podcast: The Run-Through with Vogue
Host: Chloe Mel & Margo Ambuba
Guest: Mariska Hargitay

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of The Run-Through with Vogue, hosts Chloe Mel and Margo Ambuba engage in a heartfelt conversation with acclaimed actress and philanthropist Mariska Hargitay. Best known for her role as Detective Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU, Mariska delves deep into her personal journey of uncovering the true story of her mother, the iconic 1950s Hollywood star Jayne Mansfield. The discussion navigates through themes of family, legacy, trauma, and healing, offering listeners an intimate look into Mariska's life and her latest documentary project.

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The Documentary: "My Mom Jane"

Mariska shares her inspiration behind creating the documentary titled "My Mom Jane." The film serves as an exploration of her mother Jayne Mansfield's life beyond the public persona, revealing the multifaceted woman behind the Hollywood icon.

Chloe Mel notes the emotional weight of the documentary, saying, "I was sobbing. It's still amazing." (04:10) Mariska echoes this sentiment, describing the experience as "incredibly full and cathartic," emphasizing how the project has transformed her personally.

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Motivations and Emotional Journey

Mariska discusses the catalyst for her documentary, pointing to a pivotal moment during the pandemic when she stumbled upon a box of fan letters related to her mother. This discovery ignited a desire to connect with and understand Jayne Mansfield on a deeper level.

"Reading those fan stories felt like giving me a piece back of this person that I was longing for." – Mariska Hargitay (08:58)

She likens her investigative process to an "archeological dig," illuminating the painstaking effort it took to unearth genuine insights about her mother's life.

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Family Dynamics and Healing

A significant portion of the conversation centers around the impact of the documentary on Mariska's relationship with her siblings. Initially hesitant, her brothers and sisters eventually embraced the project, leading to moments of collective healing.

Mariska recounts a heartfelt family viewing of the rough cut:

"We all sat together and watched this film. And we were connected. 1 hour, 45 minutes holding each other." (24:39)

This shared experience not only strengthened familial bonds but also facilitated a mutual understanding of their collective past.

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Key Discoveries and Revelations

One of the most dramatic revelations discussed is the discovery of Mariska's biological father, Nelson Sardelli. This revelation serves as a critical plot climax in the documentary.

"Every cell in my body went, this isn't good. Like, I'm like, and here it comes also..." – Mariska Hargitay (30:27)

Mariska describes the intense emotional turmoil upon learning this truth, highlighting the complex emotions tied to uncovering long-buried family secrets.

Additionally, Mariska touches upon the personal trauma linked to her mother's public persona versus her true self, expressing a lifelong struggle with feelings of disconnection and longing for an authentic maternal relationship.

"She was so one-dimensional to me. And I didn't really know anything about her." – Mariska Hargitay (13:40)

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Jayne Mansfield's Legacy in Fashion and Feminism

Margo Ambuba brings attention to Jayne Mansfield's influence as a style icon, particularly her timeless leopard print and the bullet bra, which Mariska also acknowledges as a personal icon.

"She was always so sexy and feminine and all of herself and being a badass." – Mariska Hargitay (21:07)

Mariska reflects on how her mother's fashion choices were ahead of their time, merging femininity with strength—an ethos that resonates with modern third-wave feminism.

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The Role of Vulnerability and Healing

Mariska emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in her healing process and in the documentary itself. She articulates how embracing vulnerability has been crucial in reconciling with her past and integrating her experiences.

"Vulnerability is our superpower. ... That's part of me. And part of this film, too, has been about my own integration and my own making peace." – Mariska Hargitay (16:25)

She articulates that the documentary is not just a portrayal of her mother's life but also a journey of her own emotional and psychological healing.

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Building New Relationships

The episode delves into Mariska's efforts to connect with her half-sisters, a journey that has blossomed into a "glorious" relationship. Their shared humor and similar values have fostered an instant and deep connection, symbolizing a new chapter for the family.

"It has been since the minute we met because we felt like were very similar. ... It was one of the most extraordinary moments in my life." – Mariska Hargitay (35:00)

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Personal Reflections and Future Outlook

Mariska shares personal anecdotes that highlight her growth and resilience. From her experiences in high school drama to overcoming feelings of not belonging, she narrates a journey marked by self-discovery and empowerment.

She also touches upon balancing her public persona with her private self, striving to break free from the shadows of her mother's legacy while honoring it through her work.

"I do know she was treated, I was like, sweetheart, you're barking up the wrong tree here." – Mariska Hargitay (22:16)

Mariska concludes with a message of hope and transformation, expressing her desire to break generational trauma and inspire others to embrace their vulnerabilities.

"My hope is for it to help break generational trauma. ... So much beauty can come out of that." – Mariska Hargitay (43:23)

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Conclusion

This episode of The Run-Through with Vogue offers a deeply moving exploration of Mariska Hargitay's quest to understand and honor her mother's legacy. Through candid conversations and emotional revelations, listeners gain insight into the complexities of family dynamics, personal trauma, and the transformative power of storytelling. Mariska's journey serves as an inspiring testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring bonds of family.

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Notable Quotes:

• "Vulnerability is our superpower." – Mariska Hargitay (16:25)

• "We are four people with one heart." – Mariska Hargitay (24:39)

• "This is life imitating art." – Mariska Hargitay (42:19)

• "My hope is for it to help break generational trauma." – Mariska Hargitay (43:23)

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Attributions:

• Chloe Mel: Host of the podcast, engages with Mariska and Margo.

• Margo Ambuba: Co-host, Vogue's Senior Beauty and Wellness Editor, and longtime Jayne Mansfield fan.

• Mariska Hargitay: Guest, actress, philanthropist, and daughter of Jayne Mansfield.

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Produced by Chelsea Daniel, Alex DePalma, and Stephanie Kariuki. Engineered by Pran Bandy and mixed by Mike Kutchman. Chief of Global Audio: Chris Bannon. Content sourced from PRX.

Transcript

[Chloe Mel]

Summer is in full swing and my closet looks better than ever this season thanks to quints. I am a huge fan of Vogue shopping and get most of my shopping suggestions from them. But I also subscribe to the Strategist newsletter and Wirecutters newsletter and it was on one of those that I saw that an editor's favorite swimsuit affordable swimsuit was from Quince and I was influenced and I bought one and you know what? It's good. It's a good high waisted bottom. It stays in place when you're running around for toddlers. I'm very happy with it. That's my summer Quints addition. Give your summer closet an upgrade with quince. Go to quince.comrunthrough for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I N C E.com runthrough to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com runthrough this episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart Choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. This is the run through. I'm Chloe Mel and today I am joined by my colleague Margo Ambuba. Do you want to introduce yourself, madam?

[Margo Ambuba]

Sure. Hi everybody, I'm Margot. I'm Vogue's senior beauty and wellness editor.

[Chloe Mel]

And today we had the amazing pleasure of chatting with Mariska Hargitay, who you probably know as Detective Olivia Benson from Law and svu. She is also, in addition to being a mother of three, an incredible philanthropist and a wonderful woman. She is daughter of one of the most iconic women of 1950s Hollywood, Jayne Mansfield. And I didn't realize that Margot is a longtime Jayne Mansfield fan.

[Margo Ambuba]

Yes, she has been on my Pinterest board for as long as I've been Pinteresting. I think that she has really incredible style. I've always loved her. And leopard print. She has always had this beautiful like white, white blonde hair. And I love pinup style like with a twist which she's always been doing. And for those of you that did not read my story about the return of the bullet bra, she is one of my bullet bra icons.

[Chloe Mel]

She is a bullet bra, I guess. True.

[Margo Ambuba]

I'm really excited that Mariska made this film about her mother. It's really beautiful. I watched it First.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Oh, my God.

[Chloe Mel]

Margot is slacking me throughout watching it. I'm sobbing.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I'm sobbing.

[Margo Ambuba]

It's really. It's called My Mom Jane. And I think that for those of you who know who Jane is, you probably have some preconceived notions about your idea of her, and I think you're gonna learn a lot of surprising things about who she really was. And I think that Mariska learned a lot about who her mother was, which we get into a lot in our conversation. It's really beautiful.

[Chloe Mel]

I do love in a documentary when the filmmaker seems to be learning with the audience. And I feel like this film. You really felt like you were on that journey with Mariska.

[Margo Ambuba]

Yeah, it was really inspiring. I love to learn about my family and, like, the history, and I feel like this sort of, like, re Engaged with the idea that I wanted to get back into doing the family tree.

[Chloe Mel]

Oh, wow.

[Margo Ambuba]

Not that I have anything this, like, fabulous in my family tree, but I.

[Chloe Mel]

Just wanted to know Bullet bras in the Ambuba family tree.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Ugh.

[Margo Ambuba]

Definitely not.

[Chloe Mel]

We were so happy that we could meet with Mariska in the studio a day before her film was so set to release on hbo Max. And without further ado, here is our conversation. Mariska, we are so excited to have you here. We both watched your documentary this week. Margo was slacking.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Me.

[Chloe Mel]

I'm sobbing. I was like, all right. Too much.

[Margo Ambuba]

Many times, many cries.

[Chloe Mel]

But I've been hearing about your documentary for several months because my mom saw it a few months ago and then forgot she saw it and then called me when she went to the premiere and said, I saw Maruschka's documentary.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It's amazing.

[Chloe Mel]

I was like, it's still amazing.

[Mariska Hargitay]

That's actually. You can't get a better endorsement. Right? You can't get a better.

[Chloe Mel]

We are recording this the day before the film comes out. Are you worried about any sort of postpartum after this project's done?

[Mariska Hargitay]

That's a great question, and I'm absolutely not. I am so excited, and it's been such an incredibly full and cathartic experience for me and surpassed sort of my wildest dreams in every way and has changed me as a person. And so for me now, I feel like I have so much more internal space and more internal creative space that I got to tell this story.

[Margo Ambuba]

I'm curious. You come from a really big family. You have a lot of siblings. Have you always been the family historian? Are you always the one who. Cause you're also one of the youngest.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah. I wouldn't say I was the family. I mean, I would say I'm the family historian now.

[Margo Ambuba]

You are. You're the family expert.

[Mariska Hargitay]

But I wasn't. No, that was not at all my role in the family. I think that I've always been a deeply curious person and somebody who is a truth seeker and a digger. And I think some of my siblings before this documentary were like, okay, that happened, let's move on. And weren't very interested in reliving or doing a deep dive on the past. But it was really beautiful because when I flew to LA to talk to them and, you know, ask them to be a part of it and ask them really for their blessing, it was extraordinary because they all voiced their hesitance and their reticence and going, ah. And then by the end of our meeting, they said, we're on board and we trust you and we trust you with the story.

[Chloe Mel]

My 5 year old is very into as many 5 year olds are construction. And his favorite thing is an excavator. And when I watched this, I was like, you are. It's an excavation. It really is almost like a paleontology. You were really working that.

[Mariska Hargitay]

That's so beautiful. And the way I described it, I love that you're saying that because I was calling it for a long time an archeological dig.

[Chloe Mel]

Yes.

[Mariska Hargitay]

That'S what it felt like completely. Because I didn't know. And I said, okay, guys, we're doing this, let's open it up.

[Margo Ambuba]

Couldn't believe you were cracking open these boxes, like literally with a crowbar that you said I think hadn't been open since 1969.

[Chloe Mel]

Yeah, it's Olivia Benson's biggest case.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Truly truer words were never spoken.

[Margo Ambuba]

So you talked about how this was like a labor of love and longing. And you just told us about this emotional space that's really opened up for you. I'm curious how taking this on, both the starring in it and directing it, like you did everything really for this project, how did that help you emotionally, I guess, really take control of the story. And how did that. Cause I feel like you had to have a lot of trust in yourself probably also. Cause you go into this story talking about how for a long time you had sort of been like ashamed of.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah, I had a very, very complex relationship with my mother my entire childhood. And it brought me a lot of pain and shame, to be honest. And, you know, I just wanted a normal mom. I just wanted somebody who like baked cookies and made my lunches and, you know, wore normal clothes. And this idea of my mother running around in a bikini and heels was just more than I could handle. And not that I was ever there when she did that, but it was just too much. And so, first of all, thank you for that. But I also assembled an amazing team. This is my second documentary, and I did it with my producer, Trish Adlesik, that I knew from svu. So we had a long relationship and history there. Once you assemble a team like that, such incredibly soulful people, and it was a little bit like speed dating and then entering a marriage, because if you make something like this, which is such an excavation and such an unzip, it's like you're sharing a soul. It's so intimate. And, yes, it was a lot to take on, but I was ready.

[Chloe Mel]

What made this the moment you were ready? Was there a turning point where you decided, I can do this now?

[Mariska Hargitay]

There were several. You know, there were several moments I realized that have been leading up to this. But it was. It was during the pandemic when I had the time and space to start going through some things that I hadn't had a chance to before. And I started. I found this box of fan letters that were all related to my mom. And it was so emotional for me that I would just put it and go, I can't deal with this now. And I also thought reading something like that required time and space and energy to respond and write a letter. And so I put it in a box, and I was like, I can't deal with this because, you know, SVU is pretty rigorous. And I was in that marathon. But I had the time and space during the pandemic. And so as I started reading them, the beauty that came out of them, people sharing stories with me about my mom. And actually, it felt like giving me a piece back of this person that I was longing. So that was the impetus. And one of them was this incredible woman who said that she played the violin with my mom for so many years. Wow. And she used to go over to my mom's house in Dallas, Texas, and sit in her driveway and listen to her practice.

[Chloe Mel]

Wow.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And I was so moved by that. I was so moved by this, like, artistic connection, and then started looking at the photos of her playing the violin and seeing these private moments. You know, so much of my mom's life was this pose, this sex symbol, this thing playing into this role. And I was like, I'm not. I don't wanna. I'm not interested in that. I wanna know who's behind it. And so as I started seeing, like, snapshots or photos, I mean, obviously this happened in a beautiful way during the making of the film. And scouring the archival footage was, you know, the greatest gift. But everything started to change. And it's a funny story. You'll laugh. I'm a huge Hamilton. I'm obsessed with it. Hamilton file will say, I've seen it 27 times. And so I wanted to.

[Chloe Mel]

Wow.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

No, that's a lot.

[Chloe Mel]

I've never been 27.

[Mariska Hargitay]

No, no. I win.

[Margo Ambuba]

Happy 10th anniversary to you then.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Thank you. Thank you. Somebody surely will send me flowers. But anyway, I was at a party. Cause somebody wanted to introduce me to Ron Chernow. And I went there and he said, have you ever thought about doing a documentary about your mom? And I said, no, Ron, I couldn't. I mean, everyone's dead. And he looked at me and said, I could help you with that.

[Chloe Mel]

Oh, my God, that's an amazing story.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It's so great. It was so funny. I didn't realize who I was talking to unless you wrote it about, you know, dead presidents and Hamilton. So it was little moments over the years where there was a crack where I started going, ugh. And what seemed so impossible started to feel within my grasp. And so during the pandemic is when I called Nancy Abraham at HBO and I said, I think I'm ready.

[Chloe Mel]

Was that at the same time you threw your mom a birthday party?

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yes.

[Chloe Mel]

What did your kids think about that?

[Mariska Hargitay]

They thought it was the coolest thing. And it was so fun, and they loved it. I mean, they all wrote her cards. And we decorated the table with. You'll see it in the movie.

[Chloe Mel]

I did.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Oh, okay. So we decorated the table and the hearts. All the hearts and everything. So it was this really beautiful ceremony that we had that was so joyful, also celebrating and in remembrance of somebody. So even for them, it started to become a fun, beautiful thing.

[Chloe Mel]

Had they asked questions about her in the past? Are they curious about her?

[Mariska Hargitay]

Well, my littles were too young at the time. You saw how teeny they were. But my son a little bit. We would talk about it, but I would show him because he also looks so much like her. August looks exactly like her. It was just a very beautiful, kind of surprising, sacred moment.

[Margo Ambuba]

I think it's really nice. Also, as someone who has lost parents, sometimes we celebrate or like, we talk about their heavenly birthday or the day they died. And I think it's really beautiful that you celebrated her actual birthday. So it was really a day of true celebration. Not A lot of the time for people that have passed away, like, we talk about the day they died as like a momentous day, but you were taking like a true day of joy and making it simply that.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Absolutely. Thank you for saying that. Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

I'm curious about, through this process, if there was something that you learned about your mom that you were like, wow, I can't wait to tell my kids that.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I learned so much about her. And that was the gift for me is because I think that she was one dimensional to me. And I didn't really know anything about her. And I didn't like the fake voice, the high register, this role she was playing, this put on Persona that felt as a kid so inauthentic. And so it made me feel so disconnected from her. And, you know, that's. I remember as a kid going, I really struggle with people with high voices that are not on their voice because I was like, I can't, I can't trust you. Like, drop it down. Right. Cause we can all talk up here. But that's dissociating in a way.

[Chloe Mel]

It's armor. In a way.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It completely is armor. So it was very, as I say in the film, one of the things that was so meaningful to me was to hear her real voice, to hear those lower registers and go, ah, there you are, there you are. And that longing that I'd had for so long of wanting a mom, of wanting somebody to look like somebody, to be like somebody that I am from, all of a sudden I went, oh, I see you. And I started to see similarities between us. And that was so beautiful. But again, it was the moments of candor, it was the moments of a candid shot or between moments of performance and just her sitting there or her making a joke or laughing that I started to see this three dimensional person. So this, you know, the flat Stanley turned into this beautiful three dimensional woman that I was in awe of.

[Margo Ambuba]

For me, when my mom got sick. My mom died of stage four colon cancer when I was in college. But it took me dropping out of school and taking care of her to sort of have that similar relationship that you had, where I didn't really have a very good relationship with my mom until I dropped out and took care of her. And then seeing you grow into something that was sort of mirrored in my own experience was really helpful, actually. I feel like in my grief process, because grief can still be happening, even though it's been like 15 years since she passed away. So I appreciate you really sharing that and being so vulnerable about Sharing how this exploration really changed the way you felt about your mom. Because I. I think it's hard to admit when you don't feel positively about someone who passed away.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I struggled with it my whole life. I so get that.

[Margo Ambuba]

It can be kind of embarrassing. And I've always felt really bad about feeling that way. And then seeing you admit that felt really good, and it helped me a lot.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Well, thank you for saying that. And if I may, it's worse than embarrassing. It's internally painful, right? Especially with everything that is put on Mother. Mother. And when you feel like you don't have that, you also say, what kind of mother will I be? What kind of mirror will I be? And the other thing about this film is I have always sort of preached and learned very young, at a young age that I think that vulnerability is our superpower. And, you know, a lot of women are like, I don't wanna cry. And I'm like, I do. I'll cry right now. I don't give a shit. Because that's part of me. And part of this film, too, has been about my own integration and my own making peace and reckoning and integrating with all the different parts of ourselves. So my vulnerability is such a huge part of me. Like, I play this badass on TV and I am super strong, and I know it, but I'm a lot of things, and I'm not one thing. And so that's been the beauty is to say I recognize pain. I had so much trauma growing up. I was so at an identity crisis. I was so. I felt so alone, untethered, all those things. And I went through this movie and I had the tolerance to go, don't know what I'm gonna find super painful. And on the other side was glorious healing integration.

[Chloe Mel]

The run through will be back in just a moment. Hi, it's Cho Minardi. If you're not on the Vogue app yet, what the hell are you doing? You can follow along with me and other editors as we talk about everything happening in fashion. Think you're already a fashion expert? Well, find out how your Runway IQ stacks up against the Vogue community with an all new Runway genius leaderboard. So download the Vogue app today and you'll never miss a moment. This show is supported by Odoo. When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up and it gets complicated and confusing. Odoo solves this.

[Margo Ambuba]

It's a single company that sells a.

[Chloe Mel]

Suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odoo is all Connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on the features you need. Check out odoo at O D O o dot com. That's O D O o dot com. And we're back.

[Margo Ambuba]

I have always been a huge fan of your mother's because one, I. I knew about her for a long time because I really have long admired the way she dresses. I wear only vintage clothing, including a photo.

[Chloe Mel]

Marco just wrote a important piece about the return of the bullet bra.

[Margo Ambuba]

I've been wearing bullet bras for really about.

[Mariska Hargitay]

In the movie. This is fantastic.

[Margo Ambuba]

Yes. And she's so. She's been on so many of my mood boards. But also I knew about the fact that she played the violin. And for me, I come from third wave feminism. And she's always been sort of a third wave icon where you can have the way that you look and still be intelligent and be smart and be a mother and be all of these things. And it's the world that's the problem, not you. And I think that. So I've always really admired her. But I'm curious what it was like to hunt down her objects. Cause something that you talked about was that you guys didn't have a lot of her physical things.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

Like, what was it like to hunt down her clothing? I thought that beautiful jacket that you tried on.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I just got chills on my leg. Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

I mean, I love to wear a.

[Chloe Mel]

Girl who only wears vintage.

[Mariska Hargitay]

So I love that. That's beautiful.

[Margo Ambuba]

I love to imagine the people and the things they did and the clothing that I wore. And so for you, what's that look like?

[Mariska Hargitay]

It's also, if I may just tell. It's so meaningful to hear that about her, especially about her being a style icon. Because there were so many times, like in the 90s when I would see, you know, Madonna and go, that reminds me of my mom. Or, you know, recently, I think there was a Sabrina Carpenter Vogue cover. And I was like. And Miley Cyrus, who I met recently, who was so incredible and generous because she loved my mom, loved her, and went on and on and on about it. And it was that same thing that you said about being sexy and feminine and all of yourself and being a badass.

[Chloe Mel]

Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

Yeah.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And two things can be true at once. Right.

[Chloe Mel]

I mean, I did find that scene really shocking. When she's talking about her violin, he says, oh, honey, just kiss me instead.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Shut up and kiss me.

[Chloe Mel]

Shut up and kiss me.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Who cares? Just kiss me. So disgusting. And everyone, you know, when we had the premiere at Carnegie hall, the whole audience, wow. And I was so grateful for this sort of communal response, because I remember when I saw it first, and I was like, you can't believe that somebody would do that. And she. She was so gracious. Oh, my God. And so kind and so. And let it slide. And, you know, now imagine if somebody said that to one of us. We'd go like this. Are you okay? Did you not take your medication today? Seriously, I mean, whatever it is, it's so rude, and so it's really just deplorable and disgusting and condescending, and I could go on anyway.

[Chloe Mel]

Do you think that her career would be different today? Would she be able to do more of what she wanted to do?

[Mariska Hargitay]

I think she was ahead of her time.

[Margo Ambuba]

Yeah, I totally agree. I was actually thinking about how, like.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I really think she was ahead of her time.

[Margo Ambuba]

Society is the problem with a lot of the way that she was portrayed.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Certainly was back then.

[Chloe Mel]

Has it changed that much?

[Margo Ambuba]

It hasn't changed that much, but I do think.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And yet there's room now for a different woman's response. You know, I mean, I sort of made it my business in my career to say, you don't put me in the box. I decide, like, that was a cognizant thing that I did, but a risk. Yes. But, you know, Chloe, when I was in my 20s. And listen, your mom probably has a million stories, but I remember, like, walking into ABC to have a general. And the guy goes, oh, I was expecting a blonde. And I'm like, well, sorry to disappoint. And then he told me, he said, what's your real name? And I said, do you think I made that up? Mariska Hargitay? And then he goes, you need to change your name. And then he said, and also, you need to get a nose job. And you know what I said? You get a nose job. Because I think that was so ingrained in me already. From what I heard that she endured what I heard, the way I knew that she was treated, I was like, sweetheart, you're barking up the wrong tree here. So part of it is like, what is it? It's almost like redemption.

[Chloe Mel]

Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

You're doing it for her in a way, completely. I love that.

[Chloe Mel]

Your siblings were an amazing element of the documentary. I imagine that that was a complex process. Did that always feel easy? Were they reluctant to be participated?

[Mariska Hargitay]

When I asked them, they were hesitant, but once we started, it was. I'm so in awe of my siblings. I'm so in love with every single one of them. I'm so grateful for their trust in me, which is like, what else do we want out of our friends and family? Right. But their, like, openness and courage to say, like, okay, Marish, I'm in. And we were close before, but this is a new level. And after, when I flew to la, when I completed the film, it was a rough cut, like, a final rough cut. And I flew to LA to show them the film. And we all sat together and watched this film. And we were connected. 1 hour, 45 minutes holding each other. We started in four separate seats and ended up in two seats.

[Chloe Mel]

Wow.

[Mariska Hargitay]

My sister and I, Jay Marie and Mickey and Zoli in the other seat. And we had our arms around each other and just held each other for the entire movie, crying, obviously. And then after the movie was over, you know. Cause my sister, they were so proud of me, and they were so happy. And then my sister said, as we were doing a group hug, my sister said, I feel like we are four people with one heart. And that was everything to me. And I remember thinking to myself, if this film never sees the light of day, I've done my job. And I couldn't be happier about it. And that was the thing of saying. I think it was very organizing for the family to see the story in sequence. Yeah. It's just healing to tell your story.

[Chloe Mel]

Absolutely. Was there any memory that came from an interview with your siblings that was particularly surprising or healing or important, a discovery, or did you anticipate what most of.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I don't know. I think I was so. I don't know if it was a discovery. I just was so in awe. Oh, well. Mickey telling the story killed me. It still kills me. When he told the story about seeing the blonde woman.

[Chloe Mel]

Oh, my God.

[Mariska Hargitay]

That was. That wrecked me. That was very hard to hear. Especially as a mother. Yeah.

[Chloe Mel]

Oh, God.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I know. That was extraordinarily painful.

[Chloe Mel]

And just for listeners who haven't seen the film yet, there's a very powerful scene where Mariska's eldest brother is describing. After the car crash, a blonde woman is in the car. He wakes up, and the blonde woman turns her head around from the front seat, and he thinks it's his mother, but it's not.

[Mariska Hargitay]

But that was, again, the extraordinary candor, generosity. And that was the moment for me that kind of, you know, undid me. And, you know, seeing some of the footage was so brutal. The moment.

[Chloe Mel]

Had you seen all of that before?

[Mariska Hargitay]

No.

[Chloe Mel]

Wow.

[Mariska Hargitay]

No. That was the gift of the film. Chloe is That I hadn't. And the gift of the film as a filmmaker is to have access to that kind of archival. It was insane.

[Chloe Mel]

Amazing.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It was like, here I've been waiting. Make a movie. I got you.

[Margo Ambuba]

It was waiting there for you.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It was. It truly was. And also the fact that this story has never been told and that I got to tell it, that I got to tell my story is nothing short of a miracle.

[Margo Ambuba]

Well, Zoltan went on my baby list immediately. The moment that he came on the screen and I saw his name, I was like, I love that name. It's beautiful. And then the more that I got to know. I mean, all of your siblings seem incredible. The more I got to know him. And he's so sensitive.

[Mariska Hargitay]

He's the heart. I think he's the heart. I love it.

[Margo Ambuba]

It was moving up the list. It was moving higher. Okay, Sorry.

[Mariska Hargitay]

So gorgeous, though, in the movie. He was so raw and open and trusted me and trusted this process. And one of the most fulfilling things for me has been that he has said that this has been a very.

[Margo Ambuba]

Healing process for him, I'm sure, for everybody.

[Mariska Hargitay]

He said, you helped me deal with so much of my trauma. And I was like.

[Margo Ambuba]

In the documentary, you revealed that you were actually originally left at the scene of the crash. And when I heard that, I mean, I screamed out loud. I was so shocked. When did you first learn about that? And I'm curious what that felt like, because obviously, I'm assuming you don't remember that experience.

[Mariska Hargitay]

No, I don't remember that experience. Luckily, I knew that story. I had been told that.

[Chloe Mel]

From when you were young?

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah, I just knew that I knew that one, but I didn't know what to do with it or where to put it, and so I didn't. And so to hear my brother tell it to me as an adult was a very different experience. And again, I'm just staggered by his openness and candor and the beauty of his soul, tenderness and what he carries inside. And, you know, I think he was so open. And again, I mean, courageous doesn't even. It feels like an inaccurate word in a way, but what all of us carried from that experience was really hard.

[Chloe Mel]

Yeah.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And I've worked for so many years not to carry it anymore.

[Chloe Mel]

The run through will be back in a moment.

[Mariska Hargitay]

The.

[Chloe Mel]

One of the big reveals of the film is that Nelson Sardelli is your biological father, which, as a viewer, I mean, it's an extremely dramatic plot climax. But for you, is there a moment you can pinpoint besides your grandmother Sort of saying things that you knew something was up but you couldn't quite follow. When was the moment you found out that Nelson Sardelli was your biological father? Do you remember that?

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah. I found. When Sabin said, do you want to see a picture of Nelson?

[Chloe Mel]

Oh, right. And it's when you say, I felt.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Something in my cells, because the way he said the name, you know, especially, we know things. It's whether or not the body knows things.

[Margo Ambuba]

The body knows things.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And every cell in my body went, this isn't good. Like, I was like, and here it comes also, when your mother dies in a car crash and you're in it, you're already hyper alert and hyper afraid and already living in that sort of primal brain of fear and abandonment and pre programmed. And so when he. His reaction when I said, who's Nelson? As soon as he. I said that, the reaction in his face, the panic and the not knowing how to respond was very clear. So as I was walking around to the, you know, it was like a little other room that we walked to. I was just preparing myself for the worse. And as soon as I saw the photo of him, I was like, the.

[Chloe Mel]

Photos are wild that you show. I mean, the one of you sort of puckering your lips and then the one of him crooning, it's staggering.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It's staggering. And that was one of the things I was most proud of because I. I mean, in terms of filmmaking, I was really wanted to build that moment. It took me days to figure out the sound. The sound and the music there. But also to that feeling of, you know, like, before people die, how you see your whole life in front of you. That's what I was going for is. Cause that's what it felt like is a small death. And the loss of the second parent was more than I could handle at the time. And I remember afterwards as I, you know, I had to hold it inside my reaction, right? So I said, okay, well, thank you, and I'm gonna go now. And then I left there and I got in my car and I just rem like a full out of body. I mean, now I know because I study was just full ptsd, like disassociation out of my body. And I remember driving, going, I think I'm scared I'm gonna crash the car. Like, I don't think I can drive. I was driving, you know, ferociously furiously up to my house that. How about this one for an analogy that my father was building for me. I was driving to the house in the Hollywood Hills that my dad was building. And when I say building, I mean building physically.

[Chloe Mel]

Miroshka is making a hammering gesture.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yes, Miroshka is. Because he was literally building me a house. I mean, it's quite. How's that for metaphor? But I remember thinking, I don't know that I'm gonna make it there like I am. This is bad. And then, you know, listen, it was a rough few years after that.

[Margo Ambuba]

When did your siblings find out about. Cause you obviously you talk about this conversation that you have with your dad in the film, but I think that the sort of like reveal with your siblings.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah, I didn't really get into that. It was very interesting because afterwards when I found out, I asked my older sister and she sort of went, yeah, I just assumed, you know, I remember Nelson, wow. And I went, j. Marie, you're like, I was a baby, but nobody told me ever. The only thing was, is that moment you asked that question when my grandmother said, I'm all you have. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to feel. Have the felt sense of what's going on. Right. But there was a few moments like that. And then I asked my little brother Tony, who of course came after me, and he said, oh, yeah, I thought you knew. Everyone knows. He said, now I didn't grow up with him. Right. He went to live with his dad. So we didn't have that many experience, you know, opportunities rather to talk about it. But Mickey and Sully definitely did not know. Definitely did not know. I mean, we grew up like the little trio, Mickey, Zoli and I.

[Chloe Mel]

And what has it been like having a relationship with your half sisters? Because it seems like the three of you have a very nice rapport now.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It's better than nice rapport. It's glorious. And it has been since the minute we met because we felt like were very similar. Very similar sense of humor, very similar, energetically morals. Like my sister, one of them is a director and then the other one is like a producer. And it just was such an incredible study of DNA in a way for us because there are just so many similarities. There was instant simpatico, but also instantly familiarity. In weird ways, we were just so comfortable together. It was extraordinary. It was funny. When Giovanna and I first spoke on the phone, the most important thing we did, because once I met Nelson, all I cared about was the sisters. Cause. And when I met Nelson, I said, listen to me, I have a dad. Not interested. I don't want anything from you. I just wanted to know. But I want to meet my Sisters. And so when Jovanna and I met in New York City, she was living here. She says, first thing was, okay, what do we wear?

[Chloe Mel]

Aww.

[Mariska Hargitay]

We have to level the playing field. So I said, okay. Jeans, white button down. I think it was a sneaker and our hair straight, but it was down to the whole look. And I have the most beautiful picture of us walking down the street, and my arm was around her because imagine that moment of meeting your sister. We were, you know, the same height, same build. She has curly hair, obviously. But it was. It was one of the most extraordinary moments in my life. But I just loved that sister thing of like, what are you wearing?

[Chloe Mel]

I know.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It just. All of a sudden you go. It was like making up for 20 years of lost time. Wow, what are we gonna wear? White button down. Keep it clean and classic.

[Margo Ambuba]

Yeah.

[Mariska Hargitay]

501. All right. And it was just so. It was perfect, I think, maybe even down to, like, the color of the belt.

[Margo Ambuba]

That's so funny.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah.

[Margo Ambuba]

So if I had not known anything about your acting career and just gone into this film totally blind, I think I would have been sur you had ended up becoming an actor because of the way that you, like, sort of talked about your mom's career. I'm curious, like, why did you feel like sort of, you wanted to go into acting as a redemption? Sort of.

[Mariska Hargitay]

No.

[Margo Ambuba]

Or it was just truly like, this maybe is a genetic interest, and you loved it.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And it's a family, you know, it was very interesting. I went to high school, and I did sports. I was an athlete. I did swim team for four years, cross country. Even in middle school, I did sports and blah, blah, blah, blah. And so very interested in student government. And then I went to all girls private Catholic school. And at the end of my sophomore year, or it was maybe my junior year, my favorite teacher, who was named Sister Margaret, she was a nun. She is a nun. And she said to me, you know, Mariska Maria. Excuse me. I was Maria in high school. You are so extroverted code for you talk too much in class.

[Margo Ambuba]

I've never heard that before.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Right. And she said, I think you should try out for the play. And I was like, what? I said, well, when is it? Because I didn't want anything interrupt with my swimming. Right. I was very serious about the swim team. And she said, it works out. Don't worry about it. So I auditioned for the play junior year's, and it was a comedy, and it was so fun. I couldn't believe it. And I loved it. And I was like, wow, this is super fun. And then the following year it was a drama called Women's Work and it was about a 27 year old nurse who was facing getting an abortion at all girls private Catholic school. Yeah, very progressive, very progressive. And so I got the lead in that and the rest was history. And it was. So it came to me by doing, by doing it. And it was really, it felt really organic. I had wanted to be a French diplomat. That was. I loved specific because I loved languages. And we traveled a lot. My stepmother was a flight attendant, so we traveled, I mean, a lot as a kid. We spent our summers in Europe.

[Chloe Mel]

Oh, how interesting.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Except for the ones where they sent me to my grandmother.

[Margo Ambuba]

Oh yeah, the like two summers.

[Mariska Hargitay]

That was not great. That was also. You asked me like, were there moments? And I used to think, why would my parents send me away? And then I thought, do they just like the boys better? I couldn't. That was a really hard one. And that made me feel like not part of the family. So that this feeling of always feeling like other not belonging. There were just unconscious things that I went. I don't know how to reckon that there's three kids and only one of them goes to the grandmother. It was just so hurtful to me and made me feel again like I didn't belong. But we did travel a lot and so I thought, I love traveling, it's my hobby. And I love spending time in Europe, which we spent a lot of time in Europe and I was studying French in high school. And I kind of have a little bit of a knack for languages. And so I thought I would be good. I want to deal with people, I want to connect people. And I thought I'd be good.

[Chloe Mel]

I was very touched, and Margo was too, by the final scene of Peter giving you the piano. And it being. I mean, to me it's such a New York moment too. And it has to be craned into an apartment. What have you taken piano lessons? What has that experience been like of walking past it every day?

[Mariska Hargitay]

Better than taking piano lessons. My children are taking piano lessons and my children, to see them play on this piano, I have to say piano.

[Chloe Mel]

Which is your mother's piano. A big white grand piano.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Hopefully this is gonna air after the show airs. We don't wanna spoil everything.

[Chloe Mel]

Oh no, this is coming out after it's out.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Oh, good.

[Margo Ambuba]

But these people custom in the most beautiful way.

[Mariska Hargitay]

It's extraordinary.

[Margo Ambuba]

It's from the Pink Palace. I mean, if you know anything about that, you can imagine how incredible it is.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I might have to invite you over, both of you, to see it.

[Margo Ambuba]

I'm wearing. I wore my hot pink for you today.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I see that and I'm feeling you and I'm loving it.

[Chloe Mel]

So they're playing piano.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah. And that was. You know, this is life changing. It's so funny because at that moment in the film, people say to me, I loved your film, but I was so stressed out during the Great. It's such a thing, right? New Yorkers, we really understand. And then I read. Was it two days ago that Lady Gaga's piano got stuck?

[Chloe Mel]

No.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yes. It was all over the news.

[Margo Ambuba]

Oh, my God, I missed it.

[Mariska Hargitay]

And it was so funny because here, you know, I'm so sorry about my bracelets. I feel like they're jingle jangle jingling. But see, I'm a new podcaster. I should have known. But they. When I saw that, I went, oh, my gosh. This is life imitating art. Because it was so funny. Yeah. You have to Google it.

[Margo Ambuba]

Were you watching them bring it in from your house or the street?

[Chloe Mel]

But was okay.

[Margo Ambuba]

I was.

[Mariska Hargitay]

I went down to the street. You were super funny. Cause I was also directing, right?

[Margo Ambuba]

Yes.

[Mariska Hargitay]

So I look at me like, okay, we're gonna. I watched it originally, all the hooking up and securing it, and then had a camera down there, and then a camera from balcony looking down, but. And then ran back up. Because the moment of it coming over was so magical.

[Chloe Mel]

Wow.

[Mariska Hargitay]

So surreal and so magical, and it was so extraordinary.

[Margo Ambuba]

Probably also just took a breath, exhale.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Yeah. It was so many things at once. It was so many things at once. The movie has been, for me, the gift that keeps on giving.

[Chloe Mel]

Wow. Mariska, we loved having you. Thank you so much for coming to our offices.

[Margo Ambuba]

Thank you for your vulnerability in the filming. And today I really appreciate it.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Oh, thank you.

[Margo Ambuba]

I think this film is gonna entertain. Our documentary is gonna entertain, but also I think it's really gonna help people tap into their own emotions.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Thank you. You know, my hope is for it to help break generational trauma. Right. And also to invite people to look into, you know, lean a little bit into the rough edges, because so much beauty can come out of that. The things that were most afraid can provide us with the things that will transcend us.

[Chloe Mel]

Thank you.

[Mariska Hargitay]

Thank you.

[Chloe Mel]

That's it for the show.

[Margo Ambuba]

See you soon.

[Chloe Mel]

The Run through is produced by Chelsea Daniel, Alex DePalma and Stephanie Kariuki. It's engineered by Pran Bandy and mixed by Mike Kutchman. Chris Bannon is Conde Nast's. Head of Global Audio.

[Mariska Hargitay]

From prx.