Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness
Episode: How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey
Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Matthew Hussey
Release Date: June 9, 2025

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes engages in an insightful conversation with Matthew Hussey, a renowned dating and relationship expert, New York Times best-selling author, and sought-after coach. The discussion delves deep into the patterns that hinder individuals from finding and maintaining meaningful relationships, offering listeners valuable strategies to overcome these obstacles.

The Challenge of Finding Love

Matthew Hussey opens the discussion by acknowledging the inherent difficulties in finding love. He states, "Finding love is not easy. It is hard and that's okay." (00:00). Emphasizing the importance of accepting the complexity of relationships, Hussey cautions against the misguided expectation that love should come effortlessly or simply by wishing for it.

Personal Journey: From Single to Married

Hussey shares a personal anecdote from his 2019 tour in New York, where he faced relentless questioning about his single status from the audience. "I was being just hounded on stage in front of a thousand people and not let off the hook for answering that question," he recounts (04:19). This experience highlighted his own vulnerabilities and fears regarding relationships.

Lewis Howes interjects with his own story of meeting his wife, Martha, unexpectedly at one of his events, illustrating how life can change dramatically in a short period. Hussey echoes this sentiment, reflecting on how much can evolve over a few years and the importance of being open to unexpected opportunities for love.

Vulnerability in Relationships

A significant portion of the conversation centers on the role of vulnerability in forming and sustaining relationships. Hussey explains, "The right person for you is not the person you trick into being with you by hustling, hiding... but the person who accepts the things you were terrified people wouldn't accept" (14:31). He underscores the necessity of being honest about one's insecurities and fears to build genuine connections.

He further elaborates on the concept of "bids for connection," referencing the Gottmans' idea that small gestures or shares are attempts to bond. Hussey reflects, "It's a bid for connection... like a child coming over and saying, I want to show you this," highlighting the importance of responding with empathy and openness (11:13).

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Patterns

Hussey discusses common self-sabotaging behaviors that individuals exhibit when faced with the possibility of a good relationship. He identifies patterns such as chasing the wrong things, feeling overwhelmed by expectations, and allowing past wounds to dictate present interactions. "We get into these patterns where we chase the wrong things... it left me feeling more anxious," Hussey explains (39:18).

He emphasizes the need to shift focus from chasing idealized notions of love to being present with the person in front of you. This involves retraining instincts that are often conditioned by past experiences and societal pressures.

Self-Love and Self-Compassion

A critical theme in the episode is the importance of self-love and self-compassion in fostering healthy relationships. Hussey distinguishes self-compassion from vague self-love by providing practical strategies. "One of the great ways to love yourself is to realize that because of your survival instincts... you have certain beliefs about what is possible," he notes (62:00).

He advocates for kindness towards oneself, recognizing that negative patterns are often survival mechanisms developed in response to past traumas. "What we're doing right now is normal for someone like us to do. We are not broken," Hussey reassures (56:42).

Practical Strategies for Building Healthy Relationships

Hussey offers actionable advice for listeners seeking to break free from limiting patterns:

• Acceptance of Difficulty: Embrace the inherent challenges in finding love rather than expecting a smooth journey.

• Emotional Transparency: Share vulnerabilities with partners to build deeper connections, even when it feels risky.

• Curiosity and Experimentation: Approach interactions with curiosity, experimenting with slightly different behaviors to create new, positive outcomes. "Curiosity is the gateway to new beliefs," Hussey advises (68:46).

• Boundary Setting and Personal Leadership: Maintain personal accountability and set clear boundaries to ensure mutual respect and support in relationships.

Insights on Healing and Growth

The conversation also touches upon the long-term process of healing and personal growth. Hussey discusses how unresolved wounds can perpetuate unhealthy relationship patterns and emphasizes the necessity of personal development to attract and sustain meaningful connections. He shares his experiences with therapy, which helped him keep his heart open despite past insecurities.

The Role of Self-Compassion in Breaking Patterns

Hussey elaborates on the interplay between self-compassion and breaking destructive patterns. "When we exhibit a pattern... the starting point for that is a kindness that we offer to a person," he states (63:50). By approaching oneself with compassion, individuals can begin to dismantle the automatic responses that sabotage their relationships.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

In wrapping up the episode, Hussey and Howes reinforce the importance of continuous self-improvement and the willingness to adapt. Hussey reflects on the significant influence of his wife, Audrey, in teaching him to love more bravely and authentically. "She has made me a more loving person... she has changed the way that I love by the way that she loves me," Hussey concludes (76:44).

Lewis Howes echoes these sentiments, encouraging listeners to implement even small changes inspired by role models to dramatically alter their life trajectories. "You can change the entire trajectory of your life by being 10% or 5% more like Lewis in that department," Howes affirms (74:27).

Key Takeaways

• Acceptance: Recognize that finding love involves challenges and uncertainties.

• Vulnerability: Embrace and express your insecurities to build genuine connections.

• Self-Compassion: Approach yourself with kindness to break free from self-sabotaging patterns.

• Continuous Growth: Commit to personal development and remain open to adapting your behaviors.

• Support Systems: Value and nurture relationships that foster mutual growth and understanding.

Notable Quotes

• "Finding love is not easy. It is hard and that's okay." – Matthew Hussey (00:00)

• "The right person for you is not the person you trick into being with you by hustling, hiding... but the person who accepts the things you were terrified people wouldn't accept." – Matthew Hussey (14:31)

• "Curiosity is the gateway to new beliefs." – Matthew Hussey (68:46)

• "She has made me a more loving person... she has changed the way that I love by the way that she loves me." – Matthew Hussey (76:44)

Note: This summary excludes advertisements, introductions, and outros to focus solely on the valuable content provided by Lewis Howes and Matthew Hussey during the episode.